My Boyfriend and My Satanist Ex-Boyfriend at Thanksgiving Dinner: A Kelvin/Keefe/Daedalus Story

 

"Thanks again for inviting me to Thanksgiving dinner with your family," Kelvin, son of world-famous megachurch pastor Eli Gemstone and youth pastor at the Salvation Center,  told his boyfriend Keefe as the "Welcome to Richmond Hill" sign appeared.  It was an elegant suburb of Savannah, new-looking, with trendy shops and cool-sounding restaurants like the Himalayan Curry Cafe.

"Well, you invited me to dinner with the Gemstones last year,"  Keefe, a reformed Satanist turned assistant youth pastor, said.  "So it's only fair to make you endure my family's craziness.  Have you been studying the family tree?"

"I have it memorized.  Your Mama, Beth.  Don't ask about your Daddy.  Your sister Liz, age 45, and her husband Henry.  She's a child psychologist, and he's a dentist. Henry's son from his first marriage, Austin, who teaches high school English, and his wife...um..."

"Becky."

"Right, Becky.  Liz and Henry have another son, Jimmy, age 8.  Boy, I hope our heart-healthy green bean casserole will be enough."

"It will be fine.  No one in my family eats heart-healthy anyway."

"Ok, who else...Your uncle might be coming.  He's gay, but you only found out a couple of years ago.  He was closeted when you were growing up."  He paused.  "You don't mind letting them think that you're just the assistant youth pastor? I'm not ashamed of us or anything...it's just...well, I'm a Gemstone."  

"I don't mind," Keefe said, lying a little.  It took the family years to accept him -- his sister still didn't like to talk about it much -- and now he had to hide?  Pretend that the love of his life was a buddy?  It felt wrong.  

But Kelvin was always skittish.  He didn't even realize that he was gay until he was over 30. Everyone else knew the moment they saw him in one of his flamboyant outfits.  Keefe suspected that he would prefer to identify as a masculine-presenting demiboy, but they could save the gender-identity conversation for later.  Much, much later.

They drove through a neighborhood that Keefe though dismal and repressive growing up.  A grey house, grey with black shutters, where as a teenager he listened to heavy metal music and wrote poety about suicide, where his Daddy complained that everything he said or did was "faggy."

As they drove up to the house, Mama and his little nephew Jimmy came out onto the porch to meet them.   Hugs all around.

After a "Nice to meet you," Jimmy disappeared with their overnight bags, but Mama kept her hands firmly attached to Kelvin's arm.   "Reverend Gemstone, it's such a pleasure to have you in my home! I wanted to thank you in person for all you've done for my boy. But, you know, I've never seen him sing on the 'Praise Be to He' hour.  He has a wonderful voice, you know."

"That's not really my decision, Ma'am," Kelvin said, although actually it was.

"Mama!" Keefe exclaimed.  "You're embarrassing me."

"No, I'm not.  But listen to me rattling on.  You must be tired after your trip.  The men are watching football in the study.  You can join them, if you like.  Or would you like to go up to your room and relax until dinner?"  She pulled them into the foyer, said "Let me just take this ice chest to the kitchen," and vanished.

Keefe had no interest in sports, but he figured that the game would be the safest, and steered Kelvin to the study.  His brother-in-law Henry on the recliner.  His nephew Austin on the couch...and sitting next to him...what the heck was he doing here?

"Keefe, baby, I've been waiting for you!"  His ex-boyfriend leapt to his feet and hugged him.  He looked very different from when they were dating, much more conservative, not at all like the boy who flew too close to the sun (that was actually Icarus, not Daedalus, but they were really high when they came up with their nicknames). 

 His arms around Keefe, his tight, hard body pressing against him, brought back memories of a thousand nights with the band, performing, getting cruised by fanboys,  dreaming of stardom...and a thousand nights in the bedroom after, Daedalus gently stroking his hair while Keefe went down on him.  Kelvin was not at all gentle -- he was a roaring lion in bed, laying waste to his body with a passion so intense that it was a little frightening.

"Um..hi...Daedalus..." Keefe said, reddening as he began to get aroused.  "I haven't seen you since..."

"The night you broke my heart?"  He broke away and laughed.  "Just kidding."  He turned to Kelvin and held out his hand.  "And this must be your happily-ever-after guy."

"What?" Kelvin pretended to be surprised.  No, I'm Kelvin Gemstone, the youth pastor at the Salvation Center, Keefe's boss....and housemate.  Church staff has to live on the estate, you see, and I had a spare room...."  Stop lying! Keefe thought savagely.  You're sounding more and more ridiculous.

Daedalus looked more closely.  "Oh, right, I remember you from the night you broke up Baby Queef's performance at Club Sinister. You should have seen him, Henry -- we had Keefe in this isolation tank that symbolized the womb, right, and Indiana Jones here comes splashing in, tearing off the tubes that brought him oxygen, hugging him, kissing him -- the guy's mouth was full of amniotic fluid, mind you -- and whispering 'I love you. I love you.'...do you do that for all of your 'housemates,' Kelv Baby?"

"It was part of the act.  We arranged it in advance," Kelvin said, lying again to save face -- and to avoid admitting that it was the moment when he realized that he was in love with Keefe.  An important moment!  One you should want to share.

"Sounds exciting," Henry said. "You should have taped it."

"Um...excuse me.  I need to give Mama directions on how to prepare our casserole."  He ran into the kitchen.  "Mama!  Why on Earth did you invite my ex-boyfriend to Thanksgiving Dinner?"

She frowned.  "Well, why not?  Daedalus came to every Thanksgiving and Christmas for five years.  And your nephew Austin's piano recitals. Jimmy called him 'Uncle Daedus.'" He's part of the family.  Just because you broke up for some crazy reason doesn't mean we have to break up with him, too."

"I found God, Mama! Isn't that what you wanted for me?"

"All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.  And you were happy with Daedalus.  A lot happier than you seem now, when every word I say makes you uncomfortable or angry, and the wonderful Reverend Gemstone treats you like his personal servant.  Now, does this casserole get onion rings on top, or not?"

More after the break

BJ's Angels: A "Charlie's Angels" parody starring Joel Rush and Skyler Gisondo. With a guest appearance by Adam Devine

For this parody, you need to know that Kelvin and Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones could never call themselves "boyfriends" or use the word "gay."

Announcer: And now another episode of BJ's Angels.

Introduction

(BJ narrates off-camera): Once there were three little muscle boys who went to work on another show called The Righteous Gemstones, two in Kelvin Gemstone's God Squad, and the other as Eli Gemstone's driver. 

(Sarcastic) And they were each assigned very sexy duties. (Shots of Liam falling from a human pyramid, Sky being lowered into a tiger cage, and Gideon driving in a car chase).

But I took them away from all that, and now they work for me. My name is BJ. 

Montage

 Joel Rush as Sky (in his underwear, pulling a gun from his crotch)

Peter Kaasa as Liam (winning a bodybuilding contest)

Skyler Gisondon as Gideon (hacking into a computer)

Tony Cavalero as Mr. Keefe (trying to answer six telephones at once).

Guest star Adam DeVine as Kelvin (giving Keefe a bag lunch as he rushes out the door, like a 1960s sitcom housewife). 

And special guest star Tim Baltz as BJ (a mysterious hand on a computer keyboard)

Scene 1

The Angels in their dressing room. Gideon, fully clothed, is tying his tie, but Sky and Liam are still in their underwear.

Sky: Hey, this t-shirt is just extra-extra-large. Liam, I think you got mine by mistake.

Liam: (Checks.) Oh, right, this one is extra-extra-extra large. Sorry, Sky, I'll take it off. Of course, the only way I can do that is by taking off my jockey, too (Rips off his t-shirt, then lowers his jockey, displaying his bare butt.) That's one, by the way.

Gideon: (Glancing over) One what?

Liam: We're contractually obligated to display our butts twice per episode.

Scene 2

Keefe enters, wearing a suit, carrying a laptop.

Liam and Sky: Good morning, Mr. Keefe.

Gideon: Good morning, Uncle Keefe.

Keefe (to Gideon): Hey, don't tell anyone that we're related, or else the fans won't ship us, and we won't get a lot of play on fan boards. Those fan boards can make or break our characters! So just pretend that you're my very good friend.  What couple name do you like, Gideefe or Keefeon?

Gideon: That's gross! No way I'm going to queerbait with my Uncle Kelvin's boyfriend!

(Everyone gasps).

Keefe: You can't say the b- word on television!  The proper term is 'my Uncle Kelvin's...um..."

Sky: I'll queerbait with you, Mr. Keefe.  We've already been intimate, remember?

Keefe: The glory hole in the tiger cage?  How could I forget?  Wait until Episode 12, when we go undercover as the son of a famous televangelist and his boy toy. I'm the boy toy. Anyway, I have BJ on Zoom.

Scene 3

He opens the Zoom screen. A tropical setting. BJ lies on his stomach on a lounge chair. His face is not visible.

BJ: Good morning, Angels. Your assignment this week is to go undercover at a Speedo contest, to see who is...um, trying to sabotage...well, whatever, it's a Speedo contest.

Gideon: Didn't we go undercover at an underwear contest two weeks ago?

BJ: Do you know how hard it is to come up with scenarios that get you guys out of your clothes for extended periods? Lifeguard, surfing instructor, stripper, underwear tester, and that's about it.

Sky: What will you be doing while we're risking our lives and our virginity?

BJ: Oh, I'll be very busy...gathering intel....(two musclemen walk past)....taking measurements (a muscleman brings him a drink)...interrogating suspects under the covers...um, I mean undercover. (He ends the Zoom meeting.)

Liam: Wait, I thought BJ was straight. He's married to Judy.

Keefe: Of course he's straight.  He was just talking about detective work.  Everyone on this show is straight except me and my...um...  But there's no word in the English language to describe our sexual identity.  

Liam: Oh, please, you and Kelvin are g---

Keefe (cutting him off): NO WORD in the English language.

More words after the break. Warning: Explicit

Is There Sex After Death?: A Gideon and Scotty story, with heartwarming scenes and oral sex

This story takes place after Righteous Gemstones Episode 1.8, when Scotty Steele dies.

April 21, 2019. Easter Sunday.

Light. Intense, golden light, surrounding him. Not bright, like sunlight, just warm, comfortable, loving -- how can light be loving? -- like sitting on your mother's lap when you are a kid. Scotty wonders if he is a kid. Maybe he has gone back to the womb?

No, there are others around him, some that he once knew, and loved or hated, some who are strangers. Except they aren't strangers now -- he sees the most important moments of their lives, and they, in turn, see Scotty's. At random, not in chronological or thematic order:

1. Going out to dinner at the Shem Creek Restaurant in Mount Pleasant -- pizza and beer -- and Scotty calls Gideon "Little Lord Fauntleroy." They smile and joke, and hold hands under the table, and the song on the radio, or in his mind, is "You Knock Me Out.” :

The way you talk when you say what you see

Your smile breaking my words – you knock me out.

The way you shake it, baby, the way you get when you get down -- you knock me out 

The memory of the song, of his smile, fills Scotty with so much joy that he he feels like he will burst. He looks around -- or the equivalent when you don't have a body -- and feels the others sharing his joy.

2. The Old Man, Jesse Gemstone,  takes them all out on his yacht, and in the glittering of the waves, while the kids sit in the wading pool -- a pool on a yacht? -- Jesse offers to become his Daddy, and they hug.  

He eases into the hug, actually considering the crazy idea for a moment.  They could just walk away from the scheme to steal the Easter offering from the Salvation Center, $3,000,000, and settle into lives as a good Christian Gemstone and his boyfriend.  

Then he laughs to himself.  No way will the Old Man ever admit Scotty to the family, knowing that his cock  has been down his son's throat or up his ass...sorry, Mom....the fact that Scotty has been intimate with his son every night. Evangelicals hate gay sex even more than they hate thinking for yourself. The Easter Offering plan is the only way they can walk side by side into the future.

3. Driving from California to South Carolina so they can blackmail his father, the world-famous Jesse Gemstone, with a video of his sex-and-drugs party, get even for a childhood of neglect and abuse, and fund their happily-ever-after life in Thailand. They spend the night in a Motel 6 somewhere in New Mexico. Lucy is snoring.  Scotty opens his eyes and sees Gideon, propped up in the other bed, playing on his cell phone, his face illuminated, as if he is already in the plane of endless light.  He must be an angel -- nothing in this shithole world -- sorry, Mom -- could be so beautiful.

He knows that he's going to do it, he's known since the moment they met, but still, Scotty is terrified as he climbs out of his own bed and slides in next to Gideon.  He doesn't look surprised -- maybe he has always known, too.  He puts his cell phone away and scoots down so Scotty can hold him in his arms and kiss him.  

Suddenly the world changes.  Scotty has never been kissed before, not like this. Minutes pass, hours, months, a lifetime. He doesn't even think about doing something more intimate -- is there anything more intimate? -- but eventually Gideon takes the lead rolls him over onto his back, and moves down....he moves down...

To give him the blow job of his life. Well, until later that night.  And the next. With Gideon, his orgasms are so intense that his yells wake half the county, and he has to lie there, panting, exhaused, not sure where he is or who he is, knowing only that they are together.

Cause you and me were meant to be. One heart, one soul, one mind, two of a kind. 

Whoever said that love is blind?  We're partners in crime.

Scotty retreats into himself, embarrassed, but the others draw him back. There's nothing to be embarrassed about now. They've seen the moments of his life, and he's seen theirs.

One of the others has taken on form -- not really a corporeal form, more like a recognizable presence: a young woman with 1980s helmet hair and circular glasses, a little girl in pigtails standing on a country road, a middle-aged woman holding baby Gideon on her lap. She is singing, or music is playing:

We've come so very far, just look at where we are -- What once was a dream is now a sweet memory.

I'll see you again with the valley's warm wind, I'll see you some way, but it's toodles today

Scotty knows who she is -- Aimee-Leigh Gemstone, the Gospel singer that his mom liked so much. Eli Gemstone's wife, Jesse's mother, Gideon's grandmother!

More memories emerge, and with them the joy turns to pain.  Scotty never hit Gideon, except for two fights where he got worse than he gave, and the sex was always consensual -- he was forced, by his cousin, by his tenth grade teacher, by a crazy chick in a dive bar. so he always made sure that the cocksucker -- sorry, gay guy -- was into it.  But he wasn't always loving.  He belittled Gideon, called him names, yelled, even threatened.  He thought that the only way to keep someone with him was by making them feel small and scared.

Creeper got mad and angry eyes – one look from him can paralyze.

Upon his lips the taste of pain, venom kiss of love insane

He got a rod beneath his coat – he gonna ram it right down your throat.

Make you grovel on the floor, spit up and scream and beg for more

Scotty retreats into himself, hating himself for hurting so many people, fearful that Gideon's grandmother has come to judge him. But all he feels from Aimee-Leigh is love.  She nods -- or its equivalent -- and the memory continues.

 On Easter morning, Gideon comes down the elevator alone and says "It's over." He chose the ritzy Gemstone world over the dream of Thailand, the Old Man over the love of his life. The smiles, holding hands under the table, the kissing, the orgasms that burst across the universe -- all ignored.  But Gideon isn't the one who ignored it -- Scotty could have said "It's ok, I don't want the money, all I need is to be by your side."  He didn't.  

After that Scotty sees nothing but red rage.  He retrieves his van, beats up Granddad Eli, forces Gideon and Jesse to open the vault, ties them up. He yells "You made your choice, and you broke my heart!" Then he zooms away from the estate, not sure where he is going, nowhere, anywhere, into the abyss. He doesn't care; his life is over already.

Aimee-Leigh waits patiently for his despair to wash through the others.  Then she asks "Are you ready to go, darlin?  We've got work to do."

Calling him "darlin'," as if she is really his grandmother! Wait -- of course she is.  There are no lies in the endless light. "But how?  He must hate me.  There's no coming back from what I've done to him."

"He's already forgiven you.  But you need to forgive him."

More after the break

Bondage doesn't solve everything: a Kelvin/Keefe romance

The scene was especially intense tonight.  Kelvin, Keefe's boyfriend -- and for tonight, Master -- had him chained to a St. Andrew's cross, wearing a gigantic slave collar, the biggest in his collection, making it hard to breathe.  The nastiest alligator-clamps on his nipples.  And he was using a rider's crop on him!  

"Ow!" Keefe had subbed in a lot of BDSM scenes, back in the old days when he was Baby Queef, a performance artist at the Club Sinister, but he had never been into the pain part.   How about something fun, Babe, like edging me, or forcing me to do oral?   

"Ow!"  But Kelvin was new to BDSM, and not really good at reading his signals.  He wasn't even experienced in vanilla sex.  What do you expect from someone who grew up as the youngest child of world-famous megachurch pastor and televangelist Eli Gemstone, a role model (and teen idol) for millions of Christian kids?  That's a lot of pressure!  No wonder he was too guilt-ridden or worried about his image to do much sexual experimentation.

Kelvin unhooked his slave collar and pushed him down to his knees.  Oh boy, forced oral coming up!  Keefe thought.  But instead he got his horse whip and started on Keefe's chest. 

"Ow!"   Remember, he told himself, this is Kelvin, the love of your life.  You would do anything for him.  Keefe had been in love with him since Day 1, when Kelvin dragged him off-stage during a Baby Queef performance and moved him into his house.  But the preacher's son was deeply closeted: it took him over a year to say "I love you," and another before he would allow them to become intimate.  He still refused anal, either as the top or the bottom.  But that was fine...oral was all that Keefe needed. And kissing -- a lot of kissing. Maybe getting tied up and "forced" now and then, to spice things up.  

Is that really all I need? He asked himself.  Do I really want to spend my life on my knees, looking up at Kelvin?  Do I want a Master?

"This will teach you your place, Slave," Master was saying.  "You'll think twice before disobeying my orders again."

Huh?  What orders?  This was a scene -- a game.  Outside the dungeon, they were equal partners.  Weren't they?

"Wait -- Kelvin, are you punishing me for starting a teen group without your permission?"

"You will address me as Sir."

"I will address you as Kelvin.  Answer the question: Are you punishing me for starting a teen group without your permission? "  

"Ow!"  The whip came down on his back, hard.  He roared with pain and rage.  "Get me out of here, jackass!  Now!"

"The safe word is 'green.'"

"Green, green, green!"

Kelvin put down the whip.  "Ok, ok, hang on."  He started untying the ropes.  "What's wrong, Keefe?  I thought you liked this.  You're aroused"

"Kelvin, you're standing in front of me naked.  Of course I'm aroused"  His hands free, he removed the nipple clamps and sat down on a leather bench. 

"You know that love you," he began.  He had said it a hundred times before, but here, now, it felt different.  "But it's not like any other love I've ever felt.  It's white-hot, fierce, so intense that I lose myself.  Everything I want, everything I need falls away.  All I want is to look into your eyes forever."

"That's a good thing, right?" Kelvin said.  "You're everything I need, too."

"And you want it to happen," Keefe continued.  "I don't really have a job, with duties and a salary -- I do what you tell me to do.  If I make a suggestion, you dismiss me.  If I disagree with anything, you pout." 

"You apologized for starting that teen group without my permission," Kelvin said, "And I forgave you.  Why are you still harping on it?"

"Everything I own is either a gift from you or something I bought with your money. "  

"I didn't know you felt this way," Kelvin said, sarcastic.  "I'm sorry that I buy you things."

"I'm one of your accessories, someone to parade around so everybody thinks you're cool."  Suddenly the tears started up. "I want to share my life with you; I don't want you to be my life.  I want us to walk side by side, as partners.."

"But Keefe, you are my partner," Kelvin said, paling as he realized what was happening.

"No, I'm not.  I'm your boy toy."  The tears started.  He struggled to talk.   "I have to go.  Right now."  

"No, don't...I love you..." and as Keefe headed to the door.  "You can't go out like that.  At least let me take off the slave collar."

But he couldn't wait.  Kelvin followed for  a few steps.  "Wait..." he called, his voice cracking.  He was starting to cry, too.  "I love..."

Keefe ran up the stairs, across the foyer, and out of the house.  Should he go back inside to change clothes and pick up some car keys? No way -- if he turned back, he would collapse into Kelvin's arms. He took one of the golf carts and drove it, tears burning in his eyes, across the estate to Judy and BJ's house.  

Judy, Kelvin's older sister, answered the door. "Keefe, darlin', you're crying.  What's wrong?  Did that jackass Kelvin do something?  Did he hit you?"

"Not like that," he managed to stammer.  "I...I....think I left him." 

She led him to the couch in the parlor, and sat with her arm around his shoulders.  Soon BJ appeared, and sat on other side.  It took a moment for him to speak. "I need somewhere else to stay tonight.  And maybe...."  He broke down again.

"Of course you can stay here until you get things sorted out,"  Judy told him.  "And even if you don't.  You're part of the family, with or without Kelvin.  You'll always have a home here.  I'm sure Daddy will be happy to give you his father's house, since Gideon doesn't want it."

"It's too early for plans like that," BJ told her sternly.  "Right now we just need to get Keefe through the night.  Could you go into the kitchen and make us some tea?"

"I don't know how to make tea!" Judy protested. "Emilia always makes it."

"Oh -- just microwave some water and put a Lipton's teabag in it."

"Water will be fine, Judy," Keefe said.

She vanished into the kitchen.  BJ kept his arm around Keefe.  "Buddy, it's hard being the partner of a celebrity.  You're in their shadow so much that it feels like you're losing yourself.  I know from experience."

Keefe stared.  That was exactly what he said, half an hour ago.

"But you don't just let it end.  You have to fight.  Find some way to be your own man.  Find a life that doesn't revolve around him.  If he loves you, he'll accept that."

"Maybe I'll fight tomorrow," Keefe told him.  "Right now I'm too tired to think,"

"Oh, of course.  Stupid of me.  We'll get that collar off and find some pajamas for you to wear.  Will you be ok by yourself in the guest suite?  I could bed down on the couch in there. "

"No, that's ok.  I just want to sleep."

In the morning,  the housekeeper Emilia made turkey sausage, 12-grain toast, and a fruit parfait just for Keefe, but he couldn't eat more than a few bites.  At least he wasn't crying anymore, but...he had been with Kelvin almost every moment for the last three years.  Even having breakfast without him seemed strange.

"Morning, Brother."  Kelvin was there, right in the doorway!  Judy stood quickly to block his entry. 

"Can't I just talk to him?"  

She looked at Keefe for validation. He shook his head.

"You heard the man.  Get out!"

"Judy, I came to pick you up for the Salvation Center.  We have a board meeting in half an hour."

"That's a lie and you know it!  We always take separate cars..."  She glanced back at Keefe again.  "Oh, sorry, I forgot that I asked you to pick me up this morning."  She returned to the table, kissed BJ on the cheek, and hugged Keefe.  "Bye, y'all.  I wish I could come along on all the fun things BJ has planned for you today!"

Then they were gone.  Keefe watched for a long time, hoping that they would return for something, and he could see Kelvin again.  "What fun things do you have planned for us today?" he asked.

"Oh, Judy was just trying to make Kelvin mad.  In a few minutes I'll pop over to your house and get some of your stuff.  Then I'm free all day , if you want to do something -- go to the beach or Splash Mountain, or to a movie. Or we can just hang out here and play video games."

Keefe frowned.  "Don't go to any trouble on my account.  If you have somewhere to be..."

More after the break

Kelvin sees a ghost: A Kelvin/Keefe romance

  

This story takes place shortly after the "blink and you miss it" sex scene in The Righteous Gemstones Episode 2.6.  

Kelvin didn't understand what was happening to him.  He was the son of world-famous mega-church pastor Eli Gemstone.  He appeared before 13,000 people at the Salvation Center every week, plus the millions watching him on tv.  He was a role model for thousands of Christian youth.  And hadn't he always stressed the importance of keeping your body pure?  You work out, you eat right, and you stay away from sexual temptation.  Why else would he surround himself with a God Squad of muscular men? 

And Keefe, his best friend, housemate, and assistant youth pastor for the last year?  Of course they loved each, as Christians; they called each other "Brother."  But this was so much different from the love he felt for his real brother and sister.  What did it mean?

His hands were injured and in bandages, so Keefe had to feed him, bathe him, dress him, even hold his penis while he peed.  This morning he was standing naked in his dressing room, and Keefe knelt in front of him to help him pull up his underwear...and it just happened, with no forethought, instinctively, as if it was an ordinary part of their day.  He had never in his life had an orgasm so intense.

Afterwards Keefe was unphased: he continued helping Kelvin dress, said "Nice!" (referring to the act?), and booped him on the nose.  Kelvin wanted to kiss him, he desperately wanted to kiss him, but instead he moved away and acted like nothing had happened at all.  Did that hurt Keefe's feelings?  

He knew that Keefe had a lot of gay sex in his old life, but he thought it just went with being a Satanist.  Was he actually gay?  Was he leading Keefe on, making him think that they could be a couple....but these feelings, love that was nothing like the love of a brother.  Desire?  He wanted to touch Keefe. Remembering what they did earlier, he became aroused again.  Maybe they were a couple already.

Kelvin Gemstone openly living with his boyfriend on his father's estate: The tabloids would love it!  The congregation, not so much.  Daddy Eli preached about tolerance and "welcoming everyone," but this was different.  He might reject Kelvin.  The house and cars were in his name; he had the legal right to call security and have them both escorted off the estate.

They were busy with God Squad stuff all day, a pleasant routine that kept his mind off Keefe and onto...other muscular guys? 

That night, while Keefe was cooking dinner, Kelvin wandered into his study.  (Daddy set it up for him, but he wasn't the scholarly type and rarely went in there.)  He tried to pull a Bible off the shelf, but of course with bandaged hands he couldn't quite manage.

"Need any help, Kelvin?"

It was a light feminine voice.  But the only women who had ever been in the house were his sister and his mother....

He turned: it was his mother, Aimee Leigh, sitting big as life in his leather chair!  Aimee Leigh, the famous Gospel singer -- who died last year!  

You're supposed to be scared when you see a ghost.  Why did he feel so warm and comfortable, immersed in a love so deep he could scarcely understand it?

"Mama, it's good to see you again," he said casually, as if she had been away on a trip.  Suddenly he wondered if he was dead, and she had come to lead him to Heaven.  No, after this morning, he was probably headed to the other place. "Are you really here?"

"I'm always here, Baby.  You know that.  I watch over everybody that I love, all the time, but I don't usually intervene.  You got to figure out things for yourself."

"Wait -- you're always watching?"  He flushed red.  "Then you saw me and Keefe this morning?"

She laughed.  "Baby, I'm not Santy Claus.  All I can see is what's in your heart.  But yeah, I can recognize that kind of joy a mile away.  I felt it often enough when I was with your Daddy."

Ugh, an image flashed fore him of Mama kneeling in front of Daddy Eli!  "Too  much information!"

More after the break

Kelvin and Keefe, Matchmakers: A Cousin Karl Story

As Kelvin waited for Percy at one of the little blue tables outside the Lost Dog Cafe, he couldn't help flashing back to the first time they met, when Jesse hired him to design the church's executive board room.  Kelvin wasn't out to anyone yet, not even to himself, really, and seeing the flashy, unapologetic, loud-and-proud interior designer was a revelation. Percy became his best friend, and his go-to guy for anything about gay history and culture, from the Stonewall Riots to GLAAD Awards.  But today Kelvin had a different kind of request.  He wasn't sure that a guy who came out at age ten could understand.

They chatted about ordinary things, rated a few bulges, and then Kelvin got down to business. "Percy, I had an ulterior motive in inviting you to lunch today.  Remember my Cousin Karl?  You met him at the wedding reception."

"Big guy, black beard, baby face, smile that lights up the whole state?  Sure, he's hard to miss."

"He came out to Keefe and I last night."  

"Wait -- out as gay? Isn't he over 30?"

"36.  But don't look so surprised.  I was 34 when I figured it out, remember, and Karl has been even more sheltered than me.  He's known for a long time, but he thought it was just him.  He didn't know that 'gay' was a thing until he saw Keefe and I kissing one night."

"He's got a lot of catching up to do."

"Karl wants a boyfriend, but he's so soft and sweet, a little kid, really, that we don't trust him on Grindr, or Gay Christian Mingle .  And you're like the gay expert of South Carolina. You belong to every club, you know everybody, and so..."

"So you want me to play matchmaker?  Sure, glad to do it.  Off the top of my head, I can think of four or five candidates.  Let's start with Brett.  He goes to my gym -- built like a bodybuilder, chest for days! He'll be able to appreciate Karl's muscles."

First Date: The Bodybuilder

 Keefe and Kelvin were sitting on the couch in the parlor, kissing, when Percy and Karl’s date knocked on the door.  The Bodybuilder shook their hands (Kelvin forgot his name almost immediately), and Percy tried to hug them both while balancing a large white box.  "I brought tiramisu for dessert. I hope it fits with the menu.  What are we having?"

"We don't know.  Cousin Karl is cooking, and he won't let anyone in the kitchen."

"Tiramisu fits with anything, though," Keefe said.  "I'll bring it in to him." He took the box from Percy's hands and headed back into the house.

More after the break

Kelvin and Keefe Under the Christmas Tree: A Kelvin/Keefe Romance

This story takes place after Season 1.

It was Christmas Day in South Carolina, 85 degrees, so Kelvin and Keefe were sweating in their Santa hats and scarves as they knocked on the door of Daddy Eli's mansion. Kelvin was his youngest son, the youth director at his sprawling megachurch and worldwide television ministry.  Keefe was Kelvin's best friend, an ex-Satanist whom he brought to God two years ago.  And incredibly cute, Kelvin thought.  He could hardly take his eyes off him.  It's a wonder some girl hasn't snatched him away!

 Keefe could barely see over the pile of presents in his arms: they had a big family. Daddy Eli,  his children, Jesse and Judy, who helped in his ministry (along with Kelvin); Jesse's wife and three kids; and Judy's husband.  Even with the couples getting presents together, that's still an armload.

Jesse's wife Amber, answered the door.  "My favorite brother-in law!" she exclaimed, hugging Kelvin.  "And my other favorite brother in law,"  kissing...Keefe's cheek?

"Hey!" Judy's husband BJ yelled from the parlor.

Other favorite brother in law?  "We're not...um...we're not..." Kelvin stammered, but Keefe and Amber were already heading toward the Christmas tree to deposit the presents.  

He checked the seating arrangements: two places on one of the sofas, but they would have to sit very close together.  Gulp!  Maybe someone would get up to go to the bathroom, and he could take their place.  He stopped at the pastry cart in the alcove.  He usually didn't eat sugar, but this was an emergency!

"No time for feeding your face, Brother," Jesse called.  "These presents won't unwrap themselves."

Keefe was already sitting on the white sofa, resting his arm across the back...across Kelvin's spot.  There was no choice!  He trudged across the room, slowly, like a condemned man on the way to the gallows, and squeezed in between Keefe and his nephew Gideon. He relaxed a bit, feeling the familiar hardness of Keefe's chest, his arm against his head, their legs pressed together -- no choice.  

Then Keefe used the "yawn and stretch" maneuver that you saw in movies to wrap his arm around his shoulders. "He's just trying to get comfortable -- it's a tight squeeze," Kelvin thought.  "Just bros being bros."

Time for presents.  Abraham, Jesse and Amber's youngest, was in charge of passing out.  He handed Kelvin a package marked "To Kelvin and Keefe, from Judy and BJ."  Wait -- the rule was, one gift per couple, but he and Keefe weren't a couple.  They should get separate gifts.  Cheapskates!

It was a toaster!  "Your husband can't make you breakfast in bed without a toaster," Judy said with a giggle.

Grr -- they had $26 million in trust, a monthy deposit of $20,000 into the joint checking account, three cars, and a house on the estate.  They could afford their own toaster!  Wait -- your husband?  "We're not...um...", he stuttered, but Keefe said "Thank you, Judy and BJ," and they moved on.

More presents after the break

Gideon moves out of the friend zone: A Gideon x Keefe romance

I revised the sex scene to make it parallel Kelvin's date with Percy.

"This is it," Gideon Gemstone told himself as he stood at the entrance of Woodpecker's Carpentry, watching the workers inside, and trying not to be noticed.  "Enough stalling.  You make your move now, or forget about it."

Suddenly a burly middle-aged man in a blue worker's suit appeared. "Hello.  I'm Bishop, the owner.  Can I help you with something?"

"I was just admiring the wood carvings.  I like that Grinch in a Santa Claus suit, and the bobble-head Trump...."  Thinking fast, he added. "But I was really looking for a birthday present for my Granddad.  Eli Gemstone -- you probably heard of him."

"The pastor at the Salvation Center? Sure, half my crew goes there, or watches the Praise Be to He hour on Sunday mornings. He's retired, isn't he? Who's the preacher now?"

"Jesse Gemstone.  I'm his son, Gideon."

He chuckled.  "How about that!   We're having a run on Gemstones today.  Your Uncle Kelvin was in earlier, probably shopping for the same thing.  He was talkin' up a storm with our new guy, Keefe."

Uncle Kelvin!  Gulp -- maybe it was too late.

For two years, Uncle Kelvin had been bringing Keefe to family dinners, barbecues, Christmas parties, everything: the hottest guy Gideon had ever seen. with shoulder-length blond hair, a short beard, an incredibly muscular chest inscribed faintly with a 666.  That remnant of his former Satanism made him even hotter.  

Were Kelvin and Keefe boyfriends?  The evangelical "don't ask, don't tell" policy meant that they would pretend to be just good buddies, regardless.  Even their social media pages were ambiguous.  But what if they were?  Being screwed by a guy who had screwed his uncle!  Forbidden romance, with a hint of incest -- could he get much hotter?  Gideon began fantasizing about Keefe -- a lot.

Then Keefe announced on his Instagram that he was moving out of the Gemstone compound. Two days later, that he was no longer working as assistant youth pastor: he had returned to his old job as a carpenter.  Obviously they had broken up -- if they were ever boyfriends in the first place. A perfect time for Gideon to move in!

Suddenly Gideon realized that Bishop was staring at him, expecting him to say something.  "Sure, I know Keefe.  He used to be the assistant youth pastor at the Salvation Center.  I'll bet Uncle Kelvin wanted to commission a gift for Granddad.  Hey, maybe we could go in on a gift together.  Could I talk to him?"

"I'll go get him." Burly retreated to the work floor.  A moment later, Keefe appeared -- incredibly hot in a work shirt that left his arms and shoulders bare.  He smiled...a good sign, right?  "Hi, Gideon.  How's the family doing?"

No, don't bring up the family! Especially don't bring up Kelvin!  You want to get him alone.  "Fine, I think.  I haven't talked to anyone but my Mom and Dad for awhile."  

They stared at each other.  Was Keefe attracted to him?  Gideon couldn't tell.  "So...the boss says you want a commission?"

"Maybe.  I was thinking of something for...no...I mean, I'd like you to do a commission, sure, but I really came here to ask..."

"Ask what?"  

Why was this so hard?  He had asked guys for dates before.  And girls.  "Um...water-skiing....have you ever been?"

"No.  Kelvin wasn't really into the beach much."

Wasn't? So they were boyfriends?   "Well, I am.  Would you like to give it a try?  On Saturday."

"We always held Gemstone Teen Time on Saturday afternoon," Keefe said with a frown.

Ulp.  "Isn't it great that you're free now, and have time to have fun on the weekends?"

He thought for a moment.  "Sure, I guess.  I mean, why not?  Let me give you my new number."

More after the break

"How do I know if I'm g...."?: A Young Gideon Story

“Hey, Bro,” Pontius called, rushing up to Gideon’s locker at the Riverpointe Christian Academy in Charleston. 

“Hey, yourself.”  Gideon was a bit suspicious: his younger brother rarely talked to him at school.  Sometimes he didn’t even accept a ride home, preferring to call one of the Gemstone drivers to avoid being seen with a “glee club nerd.”  An odd insult, since Gideon didn’t belong to Glee Club.

“Are you staying after for gymnastics?”

“No, that’s on Tuesday and Thursday. Why, what do you need?”

“Well, a ride home.”

“Why – the drivers are both busy, and your pogo stick’s in the shop?”

Pontius smiled, either not noticing the dig at his age, or too invested in whatever he wanted to care.  “And  can we stop for pizza on the way?”

This was really suspicious -- Pontius never invited him to go anywhere.  Maybe the age difference was too great for them to really be friends – Gideon was in eleventh grade, with a girlfriend and college plans, while Pontius in eighth grade still played with toys.  Maybe they didn’t have much in common – Gideon was into gymnastics and acrobatics (he loved tumbling with Uncle Kelvin at the Gemstone Teen Center), while Pontius was into…well, hanging out with his buds and telling dirty jokes.  Or maybe they just didn’t like each other.  He must want a big favor, Gideon thought.

 They climbed into the Lexus that Granddad Eli gave him for his sixteenth birthday and drove down to Famulari’s, the go-to pizza place for all of the Gemstones, probably because the delivery guys didn’t mind driving ten miles out to the Compound.  The moment they sat down, Pontius said, "Ok, here’s the thing. I want to have a sleepover Friday night, and you have to come."

"No way, José! 16-year olds do not go to slumber parties.”

“You used to like them.”

“Sure, and I used to like Battlebots, too. I grew up.”

From his 10th birthday until last year, when he graduated to the high school building at the Academy, Gideon and Pontius hosted sleepovers at least once a month. They each invited two or three boys, plus their younger brother Abraham by default. They spent the night playing video games, watching tv, eating snacks, and bragging about how late they were staying up.  Then they bedded down in the Kid Guest Room, Pontius and Abraham on the top bunk, Gideon and another boy “on the bottom,” and the rest in sleeping bags.   Gideon always took awhile to choose his bed partner: not necessarily his best friend.  Maybe even one of Pontius’s friends, if he was cute. 

How did I know which boys were cute?  Gideon thought, surprised by the memory.  Why did I care?

"We haven't had one for a long time!" Pontus protested.  "And Mom says I can't have one by myself – you have to be there, too."

The waiter came – a rather chunky, sandy-haired guy from Gideon’s Biblical History class – and they ordered their usual bacon-cheeseburger pizza (sometimes Mom and Dad called for something “healthy,” and they had to scour the menu for healthy toppings.  What kind of pizza topping was healthy?).

“What will my friends say if they find out I went to a sleepover with a bunch of eighth grade dorks?  What will my girlfriend say?”  He and Katie had only been dating for three weeks, but Gideon mentioned her every chance he got. “Katie likes lima beans. Katie’s aunt lives in Belgium.  Katie’s favorite Harry Potter character is…”  

"They won't all be dorks," Pontius said.  "How about if you can invite some of your friends. Whoever you want.”

"As if!  My friends are way too cool for sleepovers!”

"Well, maybe not one of your friends, just guys that you like.  You know, want to spend time with, like the guys that Uncle Kelvin hangs out with”

Gideon felt the anger rising.  “I do not want to spend time with guys like that, Jackass!  Uncle Kelvin is gay, and I have a girlfriend!”

Pontius laughed.  “You dummy, no way is Uncle Kelvin a homo!”

“How do you know?”

“Number One, he’s got muscles.  Number Two: he works with kids…”

“You’re an idiot. Gay guys have muscles sometimes, and they can work with kids like anybody else.”

Pontius sneered. “Number Three, he never brings a little fruity friend to the family dinner….”

“Maybe he’s afraid to bring a boyfriend around. Granddad Eli might kick him out of the church.”

“Number Four: He doesn’t live in California,”  Pontius said with a flourish, as if that was a definitive argument.  “Why do you want Uncle Kelvin to be gay so much?  Are you in love with him?  Do you want to, like, hug and kiss?” 

“Dude, that’s my uncle!” Gideon said, disgusted.

“Ok, so if he wasn’t your uncle, you’d be all into him.”  He made pucker sounds. “Oh, Thweetie, your muscles are so big! Kiss me again!”

“You’d better stop talking trash about me if you want me to come to your darn sleepover.” 

“Ok, ok, sorry…Thweetie.”  He giggled. “Now pick two guys that you want to invite. Somebody you want to spend time with.”

More after the break

A Perfect Southern Gentleman: A Cousin Karl and Percy Romance. Chapter 2: The KOKK House

 

This is the second chapter of  A Perfect Southern Gentleman: A Cousin Karl and Percy Romance

Karl and Percy sat on the love seat in the master bedroom, drinking sparkling grape juice from wine glasses and kissing. Karl was fully aroused, an enormous tent in his pants. Percy resisted the urge to get on his knees -- not yet. He wanted this night to last.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yessir. I think I been ready since the first time I saw you."

They stood and faced each other. Karl started to undress. "No, let me do that," Percy whispered. He carefully unbuttoned his own shirt, revealing his slight but firm chest and belly, Then Karl's shirt. Massive pecs, enormous arms, a mountain-man's belly. 

More after the break

A Perfect Southern Gentleman: A Cousin Karl and Percy Romance. Chapter 1: Keefe's Secret

 

Percy really wasn't paying attention to the movie. Not only had he seen Victor/Victoria like six times, he was too conscious of Karl Montgomery sitting beside him, his massive arm pressed against him, his hand occasionally reaching across Percy's lap to grab some popcorn. It was incredibly exciting, but also comforting. It felt like home.

They only met three weeks ago, when his bff Kelvin Gemstone told him that Cousin Karl had just come out -- at age 43 -- and wanted Percy to play matchmaker. He found three "perfect" matches -- a bodybuilder to match Karl's Strong Man awards, a musician to match the Kentucky bluegrass that he played at the Pour House every Friday night, and a carpenter to match his job in landscaping, But Karl didn't want any of them -- he wanted Percy!

Kelvin sat on his other side, next to his partner Keefe. That was amazing, too -- back when they first met, when Percy was hired to design the new executive board room at the Gemstone Salvation Center,  the poor guy couldn't even acknowledge that he was gay. He pretended that his boyfriend was "just a good buddy"; God forbid that they ever appear together in public. Now, three years later, he was happy to be seen on a double date!

When the movie ended, they strolled through Charleston's French Quarter, past the Lowcountry Art Gallery, The Bakehouse, Sweetgrass Baskets, little gay-owned boutiques and quirky restaurants,  toward their cars in the Queen Street Lot. Heads turned to look at Kelvin, and one guy asked for a selfie-- he was famous, after all, one of the few out gay evangelical ministers in the country.  But maybe they were looking at Karl -- 6'7", 375 pounds, with a long black beard framing a baby face and a smile that could light up the whole state, a macho woodsman holding hands with a skinny, femme interior designer.

"Hey, y'all want to stop at Magnolia's for some pecan pie?" Percy called ahead.

Kelvin turned back. "There's dessert back at the house, if you're up for it. Our housekeeper Martiza made an Albanian walnut-honey cake. What did she call it, Keefe?"

"Shendetlie, I think."

"You know I have a sweet tooth," Percy said. "I'm up for it if Karl is."

"Sounds cool," Karl said. "But...um...Cousin Keefe, can I talk to you?" He rushed ahead and took Keefe's arm. Kelvin hung back.

"How are things going with Karl?" he asked. "What date is this? Your sixth or seventh?"

"If you count ice cream the first night, church twice, the bluegrass concert, game night at your place, and dinner with his Mama, seven.  But I also helped him with Fun Day at the Gemstone Amusement Park, and we've hung out at my apartment -- well, we've been together almost every day."

"But you haven't been intimate yet?"

"Does that surprise you, Kelvin?  Didn't you and Keefe wait like two years?"

"But I didn't even know that I was gay yet. You've been out since age 10."

Percy took Kelvin's arm. "That's part of his charm.  He's a perfect Southern gentleman.  He brings me flowers, and holds the door open for me, and treats me..."

"Like a lady?"

"Well, he doesn't have any role models for gay relationships, except for you guys, and that's exactly how you treat Keefe."

Kelvin laughed.  "Really?  I never noticed." 

"Don't get me wrong --  I would love to see Karl naked. But for some reason I'm not in a hurry. Just sitting on the couch with his arm around me -- I've never felt so warm and safe, and...well, loved."

"I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way about Keefe. The sex is great, but it's seeing him smile that makes my day." He paused. "I thought it would be weird for you and Karl. You're so different."

More after the break.

Kelvin's Rebound Date with Percy

 

This story takes place shortly after Righteous Gemstones Episode 3.4, the Kelvin/Keefe breakup.

Kelvin sat in his bathrobe, with Jesse on one side and Judy on the other.  Usually his siblings insulted and criticized him, but not today.  At least, not very much.

"You can't sit here feeling sorry for yourself for the rest of your life," Jesse told him.  "You have obligations to the church.  We need you."

"I can't go back to leading the youth ministry," Kelvin said softly.  "It will remind me of Keefe."

"It isn't just being reminded, Dummy," Judy said.  "Once you get admitted to this family, you don't get un-admitted.  Keefe will still be around.  You'll see him at church, at Sunday dinner, everywhere, so get used to it."

Kelvin hadn't thought of that.  "How could I ever see him without crying?"  

 "Just man up and deal with it," Jesse told him.  "You're not the first guy to get dumped by his boyfriend."

"He wasn't my boyfriend,"  Kelvin protested.  "He was my...he was my life.  He was my world."  

Judy scoffed.  "Well, maybe what you need is a good old-fashioned boyfriend.  Not the beginnig and end of your world, just someone to go out and have fun with.  You know, dating.  If  it turns into true love, fine; if not, at least you got your dick sucked."

"Judy!"  

"I'm not an expert on what gay guys like," Jesse said, "But if you want an outside opinion, I think you've got it all.  You're handsome, you're muscular, you have a gay wardrobe, and  you're famous.  I'll bet half the gay boys in the country used to jerk off to your Kelvin's Chastity Club posters."

"I always wondered about that," Judy said.  "You and Zac Efron in swimsuits, holding hands.  How does that promote chastity?"

"There were no girls in the poster.  Just two guys having fun...um...together."  Kelvin caught himself. Were those posters homoerotic?  How would he know?  At age 15, he didn't even know what "gay" meant.  "Anyway, I didn't design it.  Blame the church's pr department."

"Send in $5, and get an autographed picture of Kelvin with a bulge in his jeans,"  Judy continued.  "$10 if you want him to whip it out."

"I did not have a bulge," Kelvin protested.  "Well, just my natural body contours. I can't help my size."  He found himself smiling for the first time in days.  It felt good to be the subject of his siblings' teasing.  Maybe his life wasn't over.  Maybe he had a future after all. 

Maybe he should go out on a date.

But who to ask?  He couldn't just walk into a gay bar -- the tabloids would love it!  Someone from the church?  Was there a dating app for gay Christians?  Wait -- Percy, the designer who worked on the executive board room.  He seemed nice, and he was kind of cute. Not obviously buffed, but he probably worked out -- all gay guys did.

He was soft-spoken, maybe a little femme, but was he actually gay?  The name Percy, an interior designer -- weren't those stereotypes?  Kelvin didn't remember seeing a wedding ring.  

One way to find out: he put on his most bulging, muscle-displaying outfit and drove out to the design studio in Charleston.  Percy was at his desk, talking to two clients.  Kelvin waved, and he waved back.

A good sign, right?

Kelvin sat on one of the design couches and played with his cell phone to calm his nerves. Gay dating apps -- what was Grindr about?

"Hey, Kelvin."  Percy sat down beside him, almost but not quite seeing his Gridr profile, and put a hand on his shoulder.  His hand on my shoulder, Kelvin thought.  That's a gay thing, right?   "How's your board room working out."

"Oh, it's great.  We love the frescos with Jesse as a Christian warrior and me holding a little child."  

"I was going for a Father, Son, and Holy Ghost motif."

Percy was looking directly into his eyes!  His heart was pounding.  "So..."

"So...." Percy repeated, an eyebrow raised.

"So I was wondering....um...if you are free Friday night, would you like to come over to the house for dinner?"

Percy looked surprised.  "You mean, with the family?" 

"No...um...just me.  Just me and you, I mean."

"Oh...oh.  Sure, I'd be happy to."  

"Great!"  

They stared at each other.  The little bell on the door rang: another client!  But Kelvin still couldn't speak.

Percy giggled and touched his hand. "Here's where you tell me what time to come, Kelvin."

"Oh...oh, right.  Come at 8:00."  8:00 seemed a little late for dinner, but when people went out on dates in movies, they always said "I'll pick you up at 8:00."

"Ok.  Gotta run.  Can't wait until Friday!"  He squeezed Kelvin's hand and rushed off to greet his clients.

Gulp.  Kelvin spend the next three days watching every romcom in BJ's collection, and taking notes. Darn, he and Percy never had a meet-cute.  But the first date was standardized.  It always involved three steps.

More after the break

"Where you go, I will go": A Kelvin/Keefe romance

 

Kelvin stood in the South Corridor, facing Keefe, holding both his hands. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to," he said. "If it's too much, nobody will care. It can just be Judy and BJ."

"No, Brother," Keefe told him. "I want to." Still calling me Brother! Kelvin noted with a smile.

He heard Judy and BJ giggling on the other side of the hall. Everything was so easy for straight people! You go on a date, you kiss, you go upstairs and have sex. Easy.  You walk hand in hand without worrying about being attacked. You announce your engagement, and no one yells that you're destroying society. When you are gay, and Christian, and a Gemstone, everything is hard. It took a life-or-death crisis to say "I love you." The first time they held hands was an emotional triumph. And this might not necessarily be a joyous occasion. 

"I want to do this, too," Kelvin said, so loud that the security guard at the south entrance stared. "I don't think I've wanted anything more."

"Showtime!" Jesse exclaimed, pointing toward the sanctuary. One last kiss, and Kelvin took his place just behind Jesse, on his right side. Judy walked on his left side. The partners followed a few steps behind. Ushers would guide them to their marks, stage left and stage right.

They walked onto the main stage, smiling, waving, as if they were about to perform a song. The congregation rose and applauded. If they looked at their program, they would see "Commitment Ceremony," but nothing else. Would they think he was marrying his sister?

He looked around. Quadruple security. Photographers at the ready. Dang it, did Jesse call the press? No picketers in the back, no one snarling, ready to pull out a gun. He glanced at stage right, hoping to see Keefe, if only for an instant, but the lights were too bright.

Jesse raised his hands to quiet the audience, and Kelvin and Judy took their places at center left and right, facing away from him. "Partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives," he began.  "Spouses, soul mates, better halves.  Whatever you want to call them. They are the first person we see in the morning, the last person we see at night. They will be the last person we see before we go to meet Jesus."

Gulp! Hopefully he wouldn't be meeting Jesus today!

More after the jump break

The Kiss Heard 'Round the World: A Kelvin/Keefe Adventure

10:20 am: BJ

BJ watched Judy primping at her dressing room vanity. He grinned: it was so ordinary, but he wanted ordinary. After their marital problems, Judy and Kelvin both quitting the church, the kidnapping, and the rescue, it was nice to be just plain dressing for the morning service again.

Judy led him out into the south corridor and kissed him. He saw that Jesse and Amber were also kissing goodbye. But Kelvin and Keefe just pressed their foreheads together. Ugh! That was ordinary, too. How many times had Keefe complained about Kelvin's fear of being open in public? Well, he didn't really complain -- he was so devoted that anything Kelvin did was fine with him. But BJ could tell that he was suffering over being treated as a good buddy. "The kidnapping and rescue didn't change anything!" he thought."If that doesn't do it, what will?"

Jesse signaled "show time!" Judy took her place at his left side, and Kelvin at his right, and they walked toward the stage entrance. BJ saw that Amber was already halfway to the sanctuary entrance, waiting for the other partners to join her so they could walk to their assigned seats together. But Keefe was just standing there, watching his "good buddy" Kelvin walk away. Poor guy!

Suddenly Kelvin backed up, turned around, and walked back toward his dressing room. Did he forget something? No, he looked terrified. He took Keefe in his arms and kissed him -- twice! Jesse and Judy were shocked -- BJ could hear them gasp from 20 feet away! But Kelvin strutted back, proud of himself, on top of the world. Jesse gave him a "My baby brother got balls!" grin, and they continued on to the stage entrance.

BJ rushed over to Keefe and hugged him. "He finally did it, Buddy! Congratulations!" He kept his arm around Keefe's waist and led him down the hallway to where Amber was waiting. "How did you convince him to overcome his fear?"

"I don't know, really." Keefe was still smiling his angelic smile.

"Did you have a conversation about it?"

"Kelvin talk about it? Not in this lifetime!" He laughed. "Yesterday we went to Abraham's soccer game -- his parents couldn't make it. Then we got Thai take-out, watched a movie on Netflix, and went to bed. That's the only difference I can think of...he was more..."

They had caught up to Amber. She wasn't smiling. Keefe looked down at his shoes. "Uh...tell you later, Buddy."

10:25 am: Amber

Amber stared at Chief walking toward her, as if she had never seen him before. And, in a way, she hadn't. She should have known that he and Kelvin were...lovers, but honestly, it never occurred to her that they were more than just good friends. This changed everything. He was a nice guy, certainly, but was he an appropriate wife...um, husband? Spouse? ...for a Christian minister? Not just because he was a man, because he was so weird. He gestured more than he talked, and when he talked, it made no sense.

But twenty years of being gracious to the oddest types took control, and she smiled serenely at Chief and took his arm, and they walked down the sanctuary corridor. "You know, Chief," she began...

"His name is Keefe," BJ said.

"That's what I said, Keith. It occured to me that we know very little about you. Who your people are, what your Daddy does...so I was thinking, would you and Kelvin like..."

Suddenly Abraham met them, coming down from his Sunday school class.

"Your game yesterday was lit, Dude," Keith told him. "You were on fire!"

Abraham fist-bumped him. "Thanks for taking us out for ice cream and wieners afterwards." Wait -- Queef went to Abraham's soccer game? Alone, or with Kelvin?

"Hey, I'll take any excuse to eat some wieners." Eat some wieners? Was he deliberately using a dirty double-entendre in front of her 14-year old son? Or did he not notice that it was dirty?

Amber calmed herself. "Anyway, Heath, would you and Kelvin like to..." But they were taking their seats -- she was separated from Heath by Abraham and BJ -- and the music was starting. She would have to invite them over for dinner later.

10:35 am: Gideon.

It felt strange sitting next to his Granddad in the congregation, after so many years seeing him on-stage, and Granddad seemed a little uncomfortable, too. "I've never been down here during church before. But I'm retired. I'm a member of the congregation, not a preacher, and this is where I belong."

"And I'm your driver, so this is where I belong," Gideon said, although he felt a little wistful to see his Mom two rows up, sitting with Abraham, BJ, and Keefe. The whole family together. Well, except for Pontius, who skipped church more often than not. "Are we going to Jake's after?"

"Of course, Gideon. I may be retired, but I still have to eat."

Suddenly his phone started vibrating in his pocket. Of course, he had no choice but to check. A text from his friend Jackie, who worked in security. "You'll never guess who I saw kissing in the south corridor!"

"Mom and Dad?" Gideon answered. "They always kiss before Dad comes on stage.

"Close, but no homo. It was your Uncle Kelvin and his butt buddy!"

Darn South Carolina homophobes! "So what?" Gideon typed. "Mom and Dad kiss, why can't Kelvin and Keefe? Are you heterosexist?"

"No, dude, of course not. It was just weird." Another text "Not that they're gay, or anything."

Another buzz -- an email from the Courier, requesting an interview? Why would they want to interview him? But before he could read the email, the music started, Granddad glared at him, and he put his phone away.

12:05 pm: Judy:

Judy knocked on Kelvin's dressing room door. "We're leaving for Jake's, Dummy. You boys about ready?" They didn't answer, so she let herself in.

Yep, they were kissing, so tightly wrapped that you couldn't quite tell where Kelvin ended and Keefe began.

She thumped Kelvin on the shoulder. "Will you give it a rest before you sprain your tongue? Geez, it's like you never kissed anyone before."

Kelvin broke away. "Sorry. But I don't think we can make it to Jake's today. We've got some things to do this afternoon." Keefe smiled that annoying angel-smile. It was more than obvious what "things to do" meant.

"Nope, nope, your lovemaking session can wait. Going to Jake's as a family is as important as the church service. Your fans will be expecting you. Yours too, Bicep Boy."

"I have fans?" Keefe asked.

"Don't tell me your boyfriend confiscates your fan mail? Half the comments on the church website are about you. Maybe one in twenty asks about Kelvin. You're the Golden Boy of the church."

"Then why did you demote me?"

He was talking about removing him as assistant teen minister. What a crazy thing to be hung up about! "You mean, moving you from a part-time job that barely pays minimum wage into a job with three times the salary and five times the responsibility? The only downside that I could see was not being able to spend every minute of every day at Kelvin's side. Or is that a benefit?"

"We like being together," Kelvin said.

"Yeah, that's obvious. But like it or not, sometimes you and your true love have to spend a few minutes apart. Or hours." She grabbed Keefe's arm and led him out of the dressing room. "I'm taking this one to Jake's for dinner. You coming, Dummy?"

More after the break