BJ's Angels: A "Righteous Gemstones" Spin-Off

 

Announcer: And now another episode of BJ's Angels.

Intro (BJ narrates off-camera): Once there were three little muscle boys who went to work on another show called The Righteous Gemstones, two in Kelvin Gemstone's God Squad, and the other as Eli Gemstone's driver. (Sarcastic) And they were each assigned very sexy duties. (Shots of Liam falling from a human pyramid, Titus being lowered into a tiger cage, and Gideon driving in a car chase).

But I took them away from all that, and now they work for me. My name is BJ. 

Montage:  Joel Rush as Titus (winning a bodybuilding contest)

Peter Kaasa as Liam (in his underwear, pulling a gun from his crotch)

Skyler Gisondon as Gideon (in a suit, clicking wine glasses with an unidentified person)

Tony Cavalero as Mr. Keefe (trying to answer six telephones at once).

Guest star Adam DeVine as Kelvin (giving Keefe a bag lunch as he rushes out the door, like a 1960s sitcom housewife). 

And special guest star Tim Baltz as BJ (a mysterious hand on a computer keyboard)

Scene 1: The Angels in their dressing room. Gideon, fully clothed, is tying his tie, but Titus and Liam are still in their underwear.

Titus: Hey, this t-shirt is just extra-extra-large. Liam, I think you got mine by mistake.

Liam: (Checks.) Oh, right, this one is extra-extra-extra large. Sorry, Titus, I'll take it off. Of course, the only way I can do that is by taking off my jockey, too (Rips off his t-shirt, then lowers his jockey, displaying his bare butt.) That's one, by the way.

Gideon: (Glancing over) One what?

Liam: We're contractually obligated to display our butts twice per episode.

Scene 2: Keefe enters, wearing a suit, carrying a laptop.

Liam and Titus: Good morning, Mr. Keefe.

Gideon: Good morning, Uncle Keefe.

Keefe (to Gideon): Hey, don't tell anyone that we're related, or else the fans won't ship us, and we won't get a lot of play on fan boards. Those fan boards can make or break our characters! So just pretend that you're my very good friend.  What couple name do you like, Gideefe or Keefeon?

Gideon: That's gross! No way I'm going to queerbait with my Uncle Kelvin's boyfriend!

(Everyone gasps).

Keefe: You can't say the b- word on television!  The proper term is 'my Uncle Kelvin's...um..."

Titus: I'll queerbait with you, Mr. Keefe.

Keefe: You definitely will, in Episode 12, when we go undercover as the son of a famous televangelist and his boy toy. I'm the boy toy. Anyway, I have BJ on Zoom.

Scene 3: He opens the Zoom screen. A tropical setting. BJ lies on his stomach on a lounge chair. His face is not visible.

BJ: Good morning, Angels. Your assignment this week is to go undercover at a Speedo contest, to see who is...um, trying to sabotage...well, whatever, it's a Speedo contest.

Gideon: Didn't we go undercover at an underwear contest two weeks ago?

BJ: Do you know how hard it is to come up with scenarios that get you guys out of your clothes for extended periods? Lifeguard, surfing instructor, stripper, underwear tester, and that's about it.

Titus: What will you be doing while we're risking our lives and our virginity?

BJ: Oh, I'll be very busy...gathering intel....(two musclemen walk past)....taking measurements (a muscleman brings him a drink)...interrogating suspects under the covers...um, I mean undercover. (He ends the Zoom meeting.)

Liam: Wait, I thought BJ was straight. He's married to Judy.

Keefe: Of course he's straight.  He was just talking about detective work.  Everyone on this show is straight except me and my...um...  But there's no word in the English language to describe our sexual identity.  

Liam: Oh, please, you and Kelvin are..."

Keefe (cutting him off): NO WORD in the English language.

More words after the break

Scene 4: The Angels are trying on their costumes. Gideon looks at his with dismay.

Gideon (to Keefe): About this Speedo contest, I have a problem. I can't wear a Speedo on screen.

Keefe: Too small? Don't worry, we can pad you. We did it with Kelvin all the time. Take it from someone who's down there a lot.

Gideon: Gross! That's my uncle, dude!

Liam: I've been down there, too.

Titus: Me, too. What do you think the God Squad was about?

Keefe (looks worried): Well...um...that was before we were in a committed relationship. Kelvin is faithful to me now.

(Liam and Titus glance at each other.)

Titus: Oh, of course.

Scene 5: The Angels continue to try on Speedos.

Gideon: Could we get back to my problem? I can't wear a Speedo. I'm too big. I'd never make it past the network censors. It would be like Burt Ward, when he was playing Robin in the 1960s.

Titus: Who?

Gideon: Burt Ward, Robin on the old Batman and Robin show. He was the keynote speaker at last year's WHA conference.

Titus: Let me guess: Well Hung Actors

Gideon: No, actors who are Woke Hunks, Also. 

Liam: We're all woke hunks, dude.  Why do you think we're so supportive of your Uncle Kelvin and his...um...?

Kelvin (off camera): Did somebody say Uncle Kelvin?   (Enters with a bag lunch and fist-bumps Gideon.) Where's my...um....?  He forgot his lunch."

Liam: I think he's in the supply room, checking on the kilts we'll be wearing in next week's episode.  We go undercover at a Scottish festival in Chicago, the Windy City.

Kelvin: I'll go surprise him.  They only paid me for a cameo.  (Exits). 

Titus: I wish they'd get married. You can say 'husband' on TV.

Liam: Don't worry, Gideon, you won't have to take anything off. I'm the face, in charge of seductions, love interests, and generally being beautiful. Titus is the muscle; mostly he chases people in his underwear. You're the brains, in charge of computer hacking, calculations, and anything involving reading.

Titus: Hey, I can read. I read a book just last week.

Gideon: Great! What was it? The Grapes of Wrath? The Sun Also Rises? The Color Purple?

Titus: 30 Days to Killer Abs.

Scenes 6-11: Something about the plot. Gideon performs calculations, hacks a computer, and reads.  Liam seduces two of the contestants. Titus chases some people in his underwear.

Scene 12: The Angels are talking to BJ via Zoom. BJ is still lying on his stomach, his face invisible.

Gideon: So that's how we discovered that the villain trying to sabotage the Speedo contest was last year's winner, who was angry because he wasn't qualified to compete this year.

Titus: Typical. Vanity leads to soaking the Speedos in itching powder.

Liam: You know the word 'vanity'? I'm impressed.

BJ: He's just quoting the moral of tonight's episode.

Gideon: Our episodes have morals?

BJ: Of course. We need a moral because the plot is so thin. Most viewers leave the sound off anyway, and just watch the guys' junk bouncing around.

Gideon: Who are our viewers, anyway? Gay fratboys?

BJ: Now there's an idea. I'll do an in-depth investigation of our viewing audience. (Gay fratboy sits next to him and offers him a drink.) Using all of the..ahem...tools at my disposal. Tell Judy I'll be working late tonight.  Good night, Angels. (Fade out).