"Dad Can't Know That I'm Gay": An Abraham Gemstone Adventure, with Ash, some twink d*cks, and a special appearance by Pontius and Stacy
"My Three Gay Sons and...ugh...Vance Simkins": A Jesse Gemstone Adventure, with Guest Star Karl Montgomery
October 18, 2025:
“Hey, cool off," he called down. "Give your tongues a rest. Is that all you ever do?”
Pontius raised his head. “Of course not," he said with an evil grin. "We do a lot of stuff. Wanna watch?”
It was Vance Simkins, the megachurch pastor whose homophobic rants almost pushed Kelvin back into the closet, before he rallied, came out on national television, and won the Top Christ Following Man of the Year Award.
“The security station was letting everybody through, if they said they were coming for the party. What party?"
“Kelvin and Keefe's Game Night," Jesse said, omitting the "queer."
But Vance caught on anyhow. "Good thing I dropped by. Is this one of them decadent parties with little holes in the wall, so you can stick your dick through and anybody who wants can suck it? And guys hanging in leather stirrups, so anybody who wants can screw them?”
“It’s just board games,” Stacy said.
"But the party you're planning sounds fun, too," Pontius added. "Can Stace and I get an invitation?"
Vance grinned. "Well, if it’s
perfectly innocent, you won’t mind if I come along.”
“It’s for queer youth and their allies under age 25," Jesse said. "Now, you’re obviously queer, but you haven't been 25 since...The Battle of Fort Sumter?”
"Besides," Stacy added, "A lot of the kids are traumatized by growing up in homophobic churches. Some are closeted, worried that their parents will reject them, even kick them out of the house. It's supposed to a safe space -- no homophobes allowed."
“I am not a homophobe, young lady, or fella, or whatever you think you are. I just want to see the kinds of games homo...um, queer youth play. Or should I call the police and tell them about the underaged homosexual sodomy going on in Kelvin's little den of iniquity?"
Jesse sighed. He was probably bluffing, but... "Ok, Vance, you talked me into it. We'll go over and check it out. Boys, you go on ahead. We'll be there in a bit."
There were only two ways to get into the party: they had to either turn 21 again, or bring food. Jesse dragged Vance to the kitchen, and they loaded up the two trays of lemon bars that Amber was planning to bring to the Marital Problem Group tomorrow -- he would drop by the all-night bakery and replace them later.
They had to park on the lawn at Kelvin's house. There were about a dozen cars parked outside, plus two church vans. Assuming that they carpooled, Jesse estimated that there were about fifty teenagers and young adults at the party. Hopefully none of them were kissing!
Kelvin's boyfriend Keefe answered the door with his fists raised. "Pontius and Stacy told us you would be trying to get in. But we don't allow homophobes."
"Down, boy!" Vance said with a laugh. "I promise to be on my best behavior."
"We're just dropping off some snacks for the group. Two dozen lemon bars -- Amber and our housekeeper Tanya made them."
Keefe looked suspicious, but he dropped his fists. "Well, I do love a good lemon bar. Come on in."
They carried the trays from the foyer into the formal parlor, where about twenty people were sitting in small groups. Kelvin, leading what sounded like a Gay Trivia game, nodded at them.
"Hey, Buddy," Vance said, "Isn't that your son Geraldine? The one who wants to be a preacher?"
It was definitely Gideon and his friend Clay, the Classics major -- really, who majored in Latin? -- sitting with their backs to them, playing a "How well do you know your partner" game with two girls, one with pink hair.
"They must be here as allies. See, they're with their girlfriends." Why hadn't Gideon mentioned having a girlfriend?
More after the break. Caution: Explicit
Gemstones Episode 2.6 Deep Reading: a frame-by-frame analysis of the sex scene
In case you're new here, The Righteous Gemstones is a HBO Max sitcom about the famous, ultra-rich televangelist Eli Gemstone and his three children, who live in separate mansions on his compound and get into constant squabbles and scrapes. But of course they love each other deep-down. Kelvin (Adam Devine) is the youngest son, 29-34 years old during the four seasons, a muscle enthusiast who usually works in the low-prestige teen ministry, and has to constantly prove himself. Keefe (Tony Cavalero), a former Satanist whom he saved, is his boyfriend.
Kelvin has a standard fiction coming-out process, one that we've seen a hundred times in movies and tv-shows.
Season 1: Falling in love with his best friend, sexual experiences, feeling guilty, denial, then recognizing that he is gay.
Season 2: Becoming obsessed with the erotic, refusisng to admit that he and Keefe are romantic partners, eventually coming around and coming out to the family.
Season 3: Trying hard to stay in the closet, refusing to call Keefe his boyfriend, leading to their breakup and reconciliation, and a kiss.
The problem is, up to the Season 3 kiss and even after, many viewers insisted that the two were straight buddies. The queer codes were all misdirections or misreadings.
Which brings us to Season 2, Episode 6: Kelvin is standing naked in front of the mirror; distraught: he has lost the respect of the God Squad, his cadre of muscle men; his father hates him; he is worthless, nothing, no better than a beast. Keefe suggests that he will feel better if he gets dressed for the day. His hands are broken, so Keefe will have to dress him.
What happens next is about as explicit as a sex scene can get on television, yet some viewers insisted, that Keefe is just helping Kelvin on with his underwear. Even after Season 4, when they two are out as boyfriends and eventually get married, viewers insist that they were not sexually active until the after the wedding.
Maybe a frame-by-frame analysis will convince them.
3: A sharp breath, and then Kelvin cries out in pleasure. Adam is obviously simulating having an orgasm. Notice that Keefe's head is no longer visible, as he's going way down, but Kelvin is still guiding his actions. You would steady yourself for putting on underwear by grabbing your friend's shoulders, not his head.
Pontius Gemstone and the Boy Named Stacy
Note: In this story, Stacy and Pontius are both 19.
"You're not here to tell me how lucky I am, are you? Another inch, and the bullet would have hit my aorta, and I would have bled out before the paramedics arrived? God was watching over me?"
"Hell, no." Stacy recognized the voice...but...the guy slid his chair over to the bed with a loud screech. Pontius Gemstone, his friend from the Salvation Center. Well, not really a friend: he saw Pontius at church and at the skate park, but they had only spoken two or three times. "I'm here to tell you to get well, so I can get back to watching you wipe out your ass on the tail slides."
"Har-har, big joke. Dude, you know you're a wannabe mobber. Just wait til I get back to that skatepark." He hadn't realized how much he missed skating, and jamming about skating.
Pontius grabbed Stacy's free hand and pressed it against his own. "I brought you some chocolate Turtles, 'cause you know, you're into lizards, but they accidentally got eaten in the car on the way over."
"Jackass!"
He laughed. Stacy felt surprisingly happy to see him. His brash, no-nonsense attitude was the perfect remedy to a week of "God had his hand on you!"
"I wanna know what it was like to work for Jeffrey Dahmer. Did Cobb like, give you body parts to feed to the gators?"
"It was weird. I liked working at the Gator Farm. Cobb was so nice to me, always asking about my classes and the Salvation Center, and all the time he was killing people, and he kept that guy Big Dick as a sex slave, like five feet from where I was mopping the floor."
"Yeah, dude, if you knew, you could have splattered the mother-f*cker!"
"Hey, do you think he was asking so many questions because he was keeping tabs on your Grandad?"
"Probably. Seems like every year, some guy pops up with a grudge against my Grandad, the World Famous Eli Gemstone or whatever." He reached up and squeezed Stacy's left shoulder. "Does this hurt?'
"No. I was shot in my right..."
"How about this?" He moved his hand down to Stacy's crotch and squeezed.
"Hey, knock it off!"
"Just checking to see if your junk still works. Scoot over." Pontius slid onto the bed next to him, so their thighs and legs were touching, and grabbed the tv remote. "You get any porn on this thing?"
"I don't think you're supposed to do that."
"So call a nurse and complain."
Stacy had never sat pressed against someone before, except maybe his brother when they were little. He dated a couple of girls, back before he figured out that he was gay, but they never did any hugging, just handshakes and goodnight pecks. He had been with two guys, but they were just hookups, unzip, suck, and don't say hello in the hallway the next day. Was this what having a boyfriend felt like? Were they cuddling?
Wait -- wasn't Pontius straight?
Pontius was casually clicking on the remote as if the closeness didn't bother him at all. Flustered, Stacy tried to think of something simple to talk about. "Did you know that your Grandad visits me every day? Your brother Gideon has been by, and Kelvin..."
Uh-oh, Pontius took that as an accusation. "I would have come before, but I've been busy. Gideon is starting a new Christian-themed skatepark. I'm going to be the manager." He stopped on Spongebob Squarepants, then put down the remote and took Stacy's hand. Their fingers interlocked.
They watched in silence for a few minutes.
"This is nice," Stacy said.
Pontius started to blush, a reddening in his neck and face. "Yeah, well, touching a dude is good for healing, or some New Age bullshit."
He had a thin, tight frame, small hard biceps, some cool tattoos, and the most beautiful hands. Why had Stacy never thought of asking him out?
Reason #1: Stacy was a straight-A student at the College of Charleston, a biology major, planning to become a herpetologist. And Pontius was kind of a screw-up. Fun to hang out with, but no goals, no future. Wait -- managing a Christian-themed skate park?
Reason #2: Wasn't he straight?
"I've seen this episode," Pontius complained. Let's find some chicks, or some dicks." He clicked until he found a soap opera with a shirtless hunk sitting on a couch. "Awright! Check out those pecs! Man, I'd love to be working on those."
"I thought you were...you know...you like girls."
Pontius laughed, then lay his head on Stacy's shoulder. "Dude, you are adorable. I like pussy, but who's gonna say no to a cock? I went down on half the cadets at the Citadel, and the other half went down on me. Sometimes they wanted me to screw them while they screwed their girls, or the other way around."
Casually outing himself as bi? No long, angst-ridden conversation? Stacy was astonished, but strangely, not at ease. Reason #3: Pontius was a player. Whatever was going on here, it wasn't real.
"I'm gay...."
"Well, duh. That's obvious, Stace. Everybody knows. My grandmother knows, and she's not even alive."
"So...if you knew, and you like guys, why haven't you ever asked me out?"
More after the break. Caution: Explicit
Kelton in his birthday suit, plus birthday waffles, a costume party, nude at the pool, and Dad's dick
This is a collection of photos from some of Kelton Dumont's birthdays, in backwards chronological order. The nude dudes are all over 18.
What has Jak Kristowski, last seen at the Citadel with Kelton Dumont, been up to lately? Hopefully n*de modeling and meeting German guys
Jak Kristowski is an actor and producer who spent a day at the Citadel, South Carolina's military college, playing a cadet against Kelton Dumont's Pontius in Righteous Gemstones Episode 3.9. His scene was cut, but he liked the military life so much that after high school he enlisted.
I didn't have enough n*de photos for a full profile, so I posted this in one of Kelton Dumont's photo collections.
Jak is still a producer, the CEO of Barn Door Productions, with Spider Man: The Dark Age (2023), which I reviewed, plus two upcoming projects:
A Letter to Let Go: "Lola is living a two-faced life," but a letter from her sister "becomes a beacon of light." I'm going to guess that the two-faced life does not mean that Lola is a lesbian, and the letter will help her find God.
Banner: To Seek Refuge, a fan retelling of the Incredible Hulk mythos. On the run from a federal agent obsessed with his capture, David Banner (Cal Nguyen) meets a fellow refugee. The IMDB entry doesn't say who it is. The third person listed in the cast is Vin Massi, "bad actor, bad model, part time bodybuilder," so maybe David meets a guy for a gay-subtext buddy-bond.
But Jak's main job now is the army. He trained in the exclusive K-9 unit.
He is currently stationed in Germany, where he goes to all the theme parks and takes pictures of the statues of naked men.
Gemstones Episode 4.9: Corey moonwalks, Pontius hugs, and BJ greases his pole. Plus there are two hunkoids on crosses, one with a d*ck
Previous: Episode 4.8, Continued: We finally see Big Dick Mitch, the boy named Stacy, a serial killer, and a lot of tied-up dudes.
Title: "That the Man of God May Be Complete." 1 Timothy 3:17, ESV: All Scripture is inspired by God, so "that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work." Sounds like the Golden Bible will play a role.
Left: Pontius spends nearly the entire episode hugging Gideon. It looks like Abraham squeezed between them. I can't tell which leg belongs to who.
The Duel: The Cape and Pistol Society. Vance bursts in, drinking, and everyone laughs at him. He points out that Kelvin has defeated him, but not Jesse, and throws down the yellow handkerchief, challenging him to a duel. Vance will have Pastor Brad as his second, and Jesse will get Eli.
They immediately adjourn to the front lawn. Jesse is nervous, since he's a terrible shot. Eli suggests that he back out, but nope: "He insulted Kelvin and built mini-malls in our territory." You know, duelling is illegal lin South Carolina.
Vance's shot goes way over the trees. Jesse aims at him, but he runs zigzag. Then he stops and begs for his life. Jesse deliberately aims away from him: "You don't need a secret society to be an impressive man. It's what you do that makes you impressive. So I quit." Thus ends Jesse's plot arc: he's going to stop being jealous of others' success.
The Proposal: Kelvin and Keefe examine the newly-completed treehouse, praising how nicely it all came together. "Great job, Keefey." You've never once called him that, Bro.
Keefe points out that a storm is brewing, and "the devil's piss causes you terror." Nope, not anymore. In fact, a lot of things don't scare him anymore: spiders in toilets, the old lady puppet from Mr. Rogers (well, she was scary).... and marriage.
Remember, in Episode 4.2, Keefe suggests getting married, and he completely tears down the idea. He approaches: "Keefe Chambers, will you marry me?", with a box with an engagement ring. They hug and kiss.
This is the end of Kelvin's plot arc: he is no longer paralyzed by fear. We still need a wedding -- hopefully.
BJ Greases His Pole: BJ is unscrewing his pole: "I thought I needed this to prove how manly I was, riding this long, sleek pole up, only to drop down, my thighs squeezing it." Um...BJ, it's getting hot in here.
Now that the pole has come, they discuss the Monkey. BJ misses him, and wants him back.
Cut to Judy taking him for a joyful reunion. I'm fast forwarding past that part. Presumably this is the end of her plot arc.
Lori and Eli: Lori notes that the kids like her again, now that she and Eli aren't dating. In other news, Corey is taking the crisis "real rough." He hardly leaves the house, and his wife Jana has moved in with her sister.
Lori found some mementos that Eli might enjoy: A flier from one of her shows, a letter that Aimee-Leigh wrote her soon after the divorce. Hey, the Gold Bible isn't there. They say goodbye and hug. Doesn't she live nearby? Can't they continue to be friends?
Later, Eli retrieves the letter from the box, but can't bring himself to open it.
Hunkoids on Crosses: Baby Billy goes back to work after his ordeal at the Gator Park Massacre. Everyone applauds. He notes that he is happy to be alive, and God gave him the physical prowess of a teen boy to help vanquish Cobb.
Left: Ash (Michael Sayfou) tied to a cross.
"Ok, back to work. Work, work, work." He doesn't seem happy as they set up the crucifixion scene. He recalls his argument with Tiffany: "Is that all that matters to you?", and flashes back to spending time with his family.
More after the break
The "Righteous Gemstones" Season 4 Timeline, with the Gemstone Brothers Stories and Clay, Ash, and Cousin Karl's cock
I'm not quite finished with The Righteous Gemstones yet. This is a timeline, mostly head canon (that is, my invention) of the events of Episodes 4.7-4.9, the summer and fall of 2025, incorporating the Gemstone Brothers stories.
May 7: “The Return of Scotty Steele”: 21-year old Clay Chang meets 23-year old Gideon at Gideon’s Prayer Time, hears his terribly inept sermon (Episode 4.7), and invites him out to lunch.
May 14: Gideon demonstrates his skateboarding skill and reconciles with his brother Pontius.
May 21: The Top Christ Following Man of the Year contest. Kelvin wins. Vance Simkins has a breakdown.
June 12: Lori and Eli break up.
July 1: Corey's birthday party. The Gator Park Massacre (Episode 4.8) Cobb is killed. 18-year old Stacy, a recent high school graduate working at the Gator Park for the summer, is shot. Canonical: around July 4th.
July 7: “Pontius Gemstone and the Boy Named Stacy”: 20-year old Pontius visits Stacy in the hospital. They act on their attraction, but Stacy isn’t sure if it’s “real.” Then Pontius introduces him to his father as "my boyfriend."
Gemstones Episode 4.4, Continued: Keefe in drag, Pontius with four dicks, Jasper with one, and Casper the Friendly Ghost
Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Jesse jealous, and Kelvin scared. Plus a Big Dick and a play within a play
And this one of BJ, Amber, and the nephews hanging out, with the cute attendant in the background (still can't find him on the IMDB). Abraham is shirtless, but not old enough to be a hunk. Maybe a hunkoid.
Judy's Breakup Plan: Jesse and Kelvin have failed in their attempts to break up Eli and Lori, so Judy decides to use her "super power": the ability to incite the erotic interest of anyone who sees her. She goes to Lori's room and tries to seduce her. Lori just stands there, glaring.
Keefe decides on the next best thing: dress-up. He puts on one of Aimee-Leigh's dresses, her wig, her glasses, and some makeup (wait -- where did he get makeup?), goes to Eli's room, and tries to haunt him: "I'm the ghost of your dead wife. Break up with Lori." Eli doesn't respond, so Keefe crawls on top of him and starts singing Aimee-Leigh's signature song, "Misbehavin'"
Suddenly Eli and Lori awaken; everyone screams. Keefe rushes out and falls down the staircase into the parlor whereupon the Nanny, thinking that he is an intruder, pulverizes him.
"Who are you?" she shouts.
First he consorted with Hot Stuff, the Little Devil, and now he's Casper the Friendly Ghost.
More after the break