Pizza Movie: A surreal update of the teen nerd genre, with no heterosexism or homophobia, lots of butts, and Daniel Radcliffe as a butterfly

 

Pizza Movie (2026), on Hulu, stars Sean Giambrone of The Goldbergs and Gaten Matarazzo of Stranger Things as college boys who accidentally get stoned on a weird drug.  I haven't seen a teen nerd movie for awhile; I wonder if they're still about the nerd winning the Girl of His Dreams with the help of his flamboyantly feminine best friend, while everyone throws homophobic slurs about.  It appears on a list of "The Top LGBTQ Movies to Watch This Spring," so maybe not. 

Scene 1: Room check in a college dorm.  A student stashes her drugs in a tin in the ceiling tiles. 

 Ten years later,  Montgomery (Sean) is frantically running across campus with a laundry basket.  He reaches the laundromat just in time to take all the quarters in the change machine.  When the Girl of His Dreams (Peyton Elizabeth Lee) arrives, he's  reading a book on How to Lower Your Testosterone, so he can impress her with his studliness when she asks for quarters.  Or you could just say hello.

"We're always here at the same time," she notes.  

"Well, nobody has dirtier underwear than me.  But not from poop...or piss, or cum.  I'm not weird."  I'm just wondering what else could soil your underwear.

Scene 2: Montage of two guys chugging beer (outside, in the daytime); a girl thinking that a guy is sketchng her, but he's actuallly sketchng himself; and Jack (Gaten) being chased and bullied because he ruined the football team.  He tries to apologize, but they tape him to the clock tower and pelt him with water balloons full of piss (his suggestion).

Scene 3: The guys return to their dorm. Montgomery wants to "drown their sorrows" in a good night's sleep, while Jack wants to get drunk.  They're a superego/id  pair, got it.  I'm going to keep calling them Sean and Gaten, to make identification easier.

The housing requests for next year are due tonight.  They can choose from Orrick Tower, Stonewell Courts, or..ugh...the scary, crumbling Gralk Hall. 

Suddenly Sean is distracted by the Girl of His Dreams. "Just ask her out!" Gaten exclaims, no doubt for the 300th time.

"No way!  Hot girls only date Alpha guys, so I can't ask her out until I trick her into thinking that I'm an ALpha."  I'll bet she really likes the quiet, shy geeky types.

"But you don't know her.  How do you know that you have compatible interests?"

"Who cares?  She makes me feel like I'm floating on a cloud of lavender, being sung to by lollipop pixies."   Ugh.

Up to their room.  No posters of nekkid ladies.  They're just getting ready to drink, when  six bullies burst in, three girls and three guys, including Kevin Matthew Reyes (left).

 "What's up, dildos?", the leader, Logan, announces.  A creative slur.  Not homophobic, which is a good sign.  

They come in every week to hold the guys down and fart in their faces in retaliation for the football incident.  In the struggle the drug tin from the ceiling falls down.

While sitting on the guys' faces waiting to fart, they discuss the "pajama party tonight."  They have beer and weed, and Lizzy (Lulu Wilson) is bringing Wizard's Oath, a Dungeon's and Dragons-style board game.  The others dismiss this idea.

As they leave, Lizzy looks back, sympathetic. 

 I like the way that the guys have no problem with physical contact, even with Gaten's face two inches from Sean's cock, a welcome relief from the usual: "We accidentally touched hands!!!!  I'm going to be sick!!!!!"

Scene 4: The guys discuss how they are failures at college.  They should be popular, going to keggers and pajama parties, but everybody hates them.  Sean tries to make things better by ordering a pizza.  

Suddenly Gaten sees the tin that fell from the ceiling: it says "Mints," with a green, toothy smile.  Inside, tablets with a starburst image.  An internet search gets one hit, a youtube video with a "psychedelic adventurer" tell us about Mind Igniting Neural Tuning Stimulants (MINTS, get it?).  Sean is hesitant, but then she uses his "cloud of lavender" fantasy, and he's in.

Scene 5: The evil Head RA (Jack Martin) tells his subordinates about the "debauchery" infesting their school.  Is this RAs for the whole campus?  There are like 30 of them, all wearing black berets.

Meanwhile, in the dorm room, the bullies discuss how much the guys blow.  Hey, the men and women aren't divided into couples!   Sympathetic Lizzy tries to defend them, and is un-invited to the pajama party-- until she offers to provide a party bus. Then she rules.

There are too many plot twists to continue the scene by scene.  Here's the gist:

Turns out that Lizzy used to be the guys' friend.  They played Wizard's Oath every day at lunch.   Then she joined the cool kids and dropped them.  But she took the drug, thinking that it was a mint, now they're in it together.

Everyone hates Gaten because as team mascot, he was leading the football team on their traditional naked run, and decided to prank a professor that he hated.  They chased the guy out of the stadium and onto the street. past the police department on a "bring your daughter to work day."  They all had to register as sex offenders. Wait -- why didn't the guys just stop at the stadium exit?

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.6: Kelvin screams, Corey lies, and Cobb get his cobb bit off. With Jace Norman and nude Mongolian dudes

 

Title: "Interlude IV."  The Interlude is usually Episode 5, but this season started with a stand-alone, so it's Episode 6.  We're halfway through the action in the present day, with Kelvin's meltdown, Judy's jealousy over the monkey, and Eli and Lori dealing with violence.

The New Parking Lot: 2002.  Eli is standing before the County Zoning Board, discussing his plan to build a 10-acre parking lot at the Salvation Center, which would involve buying and demolishing neighboring houses.   He claims that it will  bring thousands of people to town, who will spend money, so it's a "win-win" situation.  Aimee-Leigh points out that they're also bringing in jobs.  The townsfolk growl and complain.  So am I.  Zoning restrictions?  How boring can you get? 

 The council president yells: "You may be able to buy out desperate people, Dr. Gemstone, but that doesn't make it right!"   She notes that the county board usually rubber-stamps their crazy plans, but not this time: "The crowd of people behind you is voiceless, and someone has to be their voice!"  

The plan is rejected, and the couple leaves in defeat. Aimee-Leigh wonders why they're even doing this ministry stuff.

Eli: "For the lake house."  That is, for the money. Um...serving God?  Spreading the Gospel? Helping people?

They walk out into a huge demonstration.  Someone shoves pies in their faces.

Writers: This sequence has no connection to the plot.  In Season 3, the Y2K scandal caused Peter's meltdown and enmity toward the Gemstones, but Cobb's enmity has nothing to do with the new parking lot.

Corey Defends Daddy: At the lake house, Lori's husband Cobb (Michael Rooker) is trying to water-ski, but Eli drives too fast, and he capsizes. His manhood challenged, he splutters and swears. 

Meanwhile, on a raft-slide, Young Judy and Jesse laugh at Cobb, which upsets his son, Young Corey.

Young Kelvin defends him, pointing out that at least Cobb is trying, whereas Jesse spends all his time "being bad, having sex."  This has resulted in Amber getting pregnant.  The enraged Jesse tries to attack, but Corey stops him.

A New Album: While Lori and Aimee-Leigh watch their husband in the water, posturing to see who will become the Silverback, they advise the very pregnant Amber that she should go inside and take a nap.  She refuses, so they discuss how much they dislike their kids until Amber gets tired of it and leaves.

Then they discuss recording a new album; they haven't recorded together in years, so it will be nostalgic.

Cut to the studio, where they are making up song lyrics while Judy listens.  Kelvin eavesdrops from outside the door.  Notice that his t-shirt says The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius,  reflecting his belief that he is a "boy genius."  The tv show premiered on July 20, 2002, so this must be a few months later, maybe in September 2002.

Kelvin Sneaks Teen Idols:  Seeing that Judy is occupied, Kelvin sneaks into her room, says "Hello" to a photo of Hayden Christiansen (Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones, which premiered in May 2002),, and retrieves a box from under the bed.  He draws out a Tiger Beat magazine with Ricky Martin (below) on the cover. "Wow!" Kelvin is afraid to let anyone know about his interest in teen idols, although he had no problem with a muscle magazine cover taped to his bedroom wall in 1993. 

He exclaims "Oh, my God!" at photos of Ryan Gosling, Brendan Fraser, Hayden Christiansen, and Josh Hartnet, and then stops at the Gossip Page.  This is important, as an interest in gossip makes Kelvin a real-life jerk.

Next  he finds Judy's diary, with an entry on a crush on her economics professor, Dr. Carmichael (in Season 1, she admits to sexually assaulting him, then kidnapping his son).

Suddenly Judy is in the room!  She chases Kelvin out of the house and to his treehouse (much closer than it was in an earlier episode).  He pulls up the ladder -- safe! -- gives her the finger as she storms off, frustrated. You're in the wrong, Kelv Baby -- that's your sister's property.

Recording:  Aimee-Leigh and Lori recording the song that Lori will sing at the telethon in 2024:

I feel so lonely, all on my own/ Running from the darkness, since you've been gone.

They take a break, and Lori reveals that things with her husband Cobb are bad.  The marriage is over.  

Cobb's Pecker:  At dinner, Corey is telling about the time a gator took a piece of his Dad's pecker off, and all he said was "Boy, go get me a napkin."  Lori claims that it was an improvement, because it doesn't work anymore.  In earlier seasons, there were frequent symbolic castrations.  This is the first for Season 4.

Husband Cobb arrives, drunk, and orders Lori to come home.  She points out that she's busy working on an album, but he doesn't care.  He tries to pull her into the truck, but Eli intervenes and punches him. 

"Ok, then, don't come home ever!"

Corey says he's going to drive his dad home, but he'll right back.  Wait -- if the Milsaps live close by, why haven't they been visiting all along?

That night, Jesse, Amber, and Judy overhear their parents discussing what they are going to do about Lori and Cobb. Jesse (J. Gaven Wilde) in his underwear displays an impressive dong. 

A day or two later, Eli arrives at the Milsap Gator Farm to ask how he can help.  Cobb: "Your wife is making it easy for her to act like me and her's life together don't even exist."  He notes that he's rich, but not into fancy things, and Lori likes fancy.

"Would you like to pray?"  

"No, I'd rather jump into the water with them gators. I don't ever want to see your face again."

Another song: Lori and Aimee-Leigh recording: 

I was lost in a dream, floating away.
 I'm lucky to sing with you.  
When we're older, I guess, we'll say
These were the best of times in our lives. 

The best times of my life were in West Hollywood:  Saturday night Mama's Family, Golden Girls, cruising at Mugi, then, if I didn't meet anyone, stopping at the all night comic book store; the gym that was half gay men, half B-list celebrities; Sunday service at the Metropolitan Community Church on Fairfax; the beer bust at the Fault Line, then tangerine chicken; buying every new gay book that came out at the Different Light; Hamburger Habit, the Greenery, Mickey's, the Unicorn....

Isn't that what The Righteous Gemstones is about?  How our lives today are affected by the memories of the past?

Cobb's Gator Farm: Close-up of alligaators and scary snakes, then the gift shop (Cobb sells "Gemstone necklaces," har har).  

Corey (Sean Ryan Fox, in bed with his Henry Danger co-star Jace Norman) is helping close up for the evening.  Daddy Cobb asks if he wants to stay for dinner -- he could cook some hot dogs --  but Corey has to go to the mansion and hang out with the Gemstone kids while the parents are out.

Mansion or hot dogs?  Gee, what a difficult decision.

"That rich bitch Aimee-Leigh done poisoned your mama's brain!" Cobb sneers.

"It's ok -- I won't even be with her, just with the kids."  He begs his Sad Dad to not force him to choose between his parents.

Cut to the Eli, Aimee-Leigh, and Lori getting ready to go out for the evening, while the kids are playing Monopoly. Presumably they've already had dinner.  Jesse is in charge.  "Just promise that you won't burn the house down."

Wait -- Corey is 26 or 27 years old, well into adulthood.  Shouldn't he be in charge?

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

The Testament of Ann Lee: The origin of the Shakers, with a female Christ, energetic dancing, gay guys, and a lot of male nudity

In high school I read Escape to Utopia by Everett Webber, about Icaria, New Harmony, and the many other attempts to create a perfect society that sprang up in 19th century America. They were usually founded by a reincarnated Jesus Christ, or God himself (or herself).  Most were communal, sexually adventurous, and, at least according to Webber, wacky.

The Koreshans believed that "we live inside," on the concave surface of the cosmic egg, even after the Messiah Cyrus Teed failed to come back to life three days after his death.

Thomas Lake Harris and the Brotherhood of the New Life worshipped Lady Pink Ears, queen of the rabbit fairies.

The Shakers practiced a radical separation of the sexes (men and women could never touch each other) and regulated everything (climb out of bed on the left side, with your right foot hitting the floor first).  Their energetic dance-worship drew the attention of many ghosts, iincluding Founding Fathers George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, who chatted with them and recited poetry.

Could we go back to the "never touch a woman" rule?  

I read more about the Shakers later, and visited one of the restored Shaker Villages, Sabbathday Lake in Maine.  And last night I saw The Testament of Ann Lee (2025), a sort of musical biopic about the founder of the Shakers.

Yes, it has gay interest.

Ann Lee was born in Manchester, England in 1735, and went to work in the cotton factory when she was five years old.  She had seven siblings, but she was only close to her younger brother William, who followed her everywhere.

She longed to be close to God, but didn't know how.  The rituals in the Anglican Church were meaningless.  Women were not permitted to learn to read, so she couldn't consult the Bible.  All she knew was that a barrier of some sort kept her broken, unable to experience Divine Love.

One night Ann saw her father (Willem van der Vegt, left) having carnal relations with her mother.Points for showing all of Dad's body and none of the wife's.  

 It was a sordid, bestial act; she imagined the Serpent tempting Adam in the Garden of Eden.  The next morning, when Ann called him out on his sin, he beat her.  

Years passed, and  the young adult Ann took a job as a cook in an infirmary, where she was overwhelmed by human suffering.  But she also heard about the Shaking Quakers or Shakers, a radical group that believed that God was male and female,so men and women had equal access to the Divine. 

One night she and her brother William attended a meeting.  The Shakers trembled uncontrollably as they confessed their sins to the group, and then as they were overwhelmed by the joy of God's forgiveness.  They also performed energetic, intricately-choreographed dances.  I imagine that these were not historically accurate, but they are worth the price of admission.

Ann and William had found a home.

  

More after the break

Nathaniel Bacon: Canadian muscleman plays classic gay characters, but is he gay in real life? With three cock shots, Christmas, and Charlie Brown

 

My "Profiles to Do" collection has a folder entitled "Nathaniel Bacon," compiled on December 25th of last year: a day that I generally devote to celebrating the end of the dark melancholic Holiday Season and those depressing Holiday songs, especially Judy Garland's "Haaaaaaave youuuuurself..."  

Nathaniel Bacon must have been special to warrant starting a folder on that auspicious day, but it contains only six photos: three nude, two muscle, and one indicating that he's a fan of The Golden Girls (and Friday the 13th).

I'll check his Instagram for more photos before committing to a profile.

And maybe some that I can post on the G-rated, censor-happy site.

Not much luck in that department: Nathaniel is wearing underwear that shows everything in almost all of his Instagram photos.  Maybe he can't help it.  Even extra-large is too small for him.

I found one where he's displaying his butt, not his bulge.  Does that count?

Finally, a G-rate photo.  He's with a lady, but that can't be helped.  When he's not bulging, he's hugging, frolicking with, or dining with a lady (or two or three). I'm going to peg Bacon Boy as straight.  

His tagline tells us that he's a tv/stage/film actor and singer, Broadway World Toronto Award Winner, and ACTRA Award Nominee, so let's check out his plays.  Maybe some have gay content.

Cabaret: A muscle guy.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Rocky, of course.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch: um...he played Hedwig? 

Fade to Black:  The "young, gay fan" of a movie legend.

Wait....

Mike and Aaron Write a Musical:  Mike, in an "enchanting gay love story."

That's a lot of gay content, Bacon Boy.  Are you sure that you're straight?  Maybe you're hugging, dining with, and cuddling in hot tubs with platonic pals, or your sister? 

Nathaniel's on screen work and more of his cock after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Gemstones Episode 4.5: The dirt on Vance, Big Dick Mitch, and Lori, with a nude Teenjus and Joey Stefano

 

Title: "You Shall Remember," from Deuteronomy 8.18: "You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you the power to get wealth."  The Gemstones have forgotten that God made them rich so they can help people.  Tonight they'll get their comeuppance.  

The Dirt on Vance: Vance Simkins (Stephen Dorff) examines his burnt-out church and glares at the Gemstone satellite church across the street.  Cut to a Simpkins Commercial with him and his siblings, Craig and Shay, saying: "Grace.. .Praise... Rejoice..Salvation."

Vance calls his siblings to his office, but Shay won't come ("she wants nothing to do with you") and Craig (Gogo Lomo David) is just there for his money: their parents' estate put Vance in charge, so he has to depend on hand-outs.  Vance gives him $10,000, and tells him to make it last.

Craig criticizes Vance for running the church into the ground, destroying their parents' legacy.  He keeps trying to open new churches when they're broke, just to compete with the Gemstones: "You can't admit you're beat, can you?"  

Vance protests that he's going to win the Top Christ Following Man Award. 

"You're a straight white man," Craig digs. "Your kind don't get awards anymore. Wait -- are you straight?  Never had a girlfriend, sweetie-pie."  Enraged by the implication, Vance slaps Craig and throws him onto the desk.

Uh-oh, a church deacon saw the attack.  Vance is violent, like Uncle Peter in Season 3 and Lyle Lissons in Season 2....he's the Big Bad of the season!

Vance had some queer codes back in Season 3, when he swished around with that tiny dog.  It would make sense for him to be gay and closeted.

Gogo Lomo-David is gay in real life, but there's no evidence that his character is gay.

Baby Billy and Kelvin in Decline:  Baby Billy finishes his screenplay about a teenage Jesus and his friends, changes the title from "Teen Jesus" to "Teenjus," and snorts some cocaine.  That's the Belly of the Beast in the Gemstone universe, buddy.

Cut to Kelvin and Keefe rushing through the crowd of queer well-wishers to a party to celebrate his Top Christ Following Man nomination.  Jesse, Amber, and Judy look angry; Eli, Lori, and Gideon look happy.  Abraham looks intrigued; Pontius sneers.  Abraham is the last of Jesse's kids to get a queer code.  I wrote a fan story where he comes out.

They begin partying.  Kelvin joins his siblings to gloat at the big turnout.  Judy sneers: "You're their little gay avatar."  Jesse: "You need to stop smelling your farts."  Translation: He's getting way too conceited about this award thing.

Lori drops by.  They criticize her for having sex with their father.  She promises to lock the door next time, and asks if they can start over and be friends again.  After all, she's known them all their lives.  Nope, "We reject this union."  

Lori: "All y'all little cocksuckers better put on your big boy pants and get the fuck over it."  Hey, that's homophobic, and at a LGBTQ event!  My estimation of Lori dropped 20 points. 

She continues: "I wanted to be y'all's friend, but if you want a wicked stepmother, I can do that, too."  

The siblings interpret "stepmother" to mean that Lori and Eli got married.  They are disgusted. 

BJ's Injury. BJ tries to make it from the toilet to his wheelchair, but fails and falls into the bathtub. Judy rushes in to help.  He complains that he can't even pee on his own. "I'm broken. I'm half a man."

Judy points out that the doctors say he will have a full recovery, but he refuses believe it. When she tries to help him out of the bathtub, he angrily yells at her to go.  

Amber arrives to see how they are doing -- they're both miserable -- and to give Judy a service monkey named Dr. Watson.  She works with a charity that trains service monkeys for disabled veterans (first I'm hearing of it)

Rebuilding the Tree House: Cut to Keefe using his carpentry skill to rebuild the tree house that got destroyed in the storm (he actually has a crew, visible in the background).  He swings like Tarzan from one building to another.  Easter Egg: The blueprints are dated 4/24/24. 

Kelvin exclaims that "it's all coming together.  A project like this tree house is exactly what I needed."

Next up in the Top Christ Following Man of the Year contest is a tv roundtable discussion: "A great chance to drop some dank soundbits and establish myself as a clear fave."

The Yellow Kerchief: Jesse at the Cape & Pistol headquarters, drinking and glaring at Eli as he talks to his friends. Vance stops by to heckle him for Eli dating Lori, and to blame him for bombing the Simkins church.  He threatens to "drop a yellow kerchief," challenging Jesse to a duel.  Jesse smirks and pretends not to know who Vance is, angering him even more. 

BJ and Watson:  Judy introduces BJ to his new service monkey.  She demonstrates, asking him to bring a Black Cherry White Claw (a hard seltzer beverage) -- and he does!  Actually, it's Citrus Yuzu Smash, another flavor of White Claw.  Close enough.  Capuchin monkeys can learn up to 200 words and understand complex sentences. 

The Dirt on Big Dick: The Gemstone Leadership Team, aka Jesse's Goon Squad, has been researching Miss Lori's socials, and found lots of photos of her with different men, especially Big Dick Mick, her ex boyfriend (although Matthew doesn't think it's very big -- you can't see the outline through his pants.  This will become important later).  

A newspaper article reveals that Big Dick Mick went missing on May 11, 2024.  Plus several of Lori's other boyfriends have gone missing, and some are just dead: drowning, car accident, suicide.  Uh-oh, she's a "Black Widow."  

Wait -- Lori started dating Eli last September, during the Aimee-Leight telethon.  These guys are dying eight months or more after she ended the relationship.  Why would she kill them?  Corey must be the culprit.

The siblings need more information.  Time to ask someone who knows Miss Lori well.

Teenjus Again: Baby Billy pitches his television show, Teenjus, to the siblings.  They don't like the name.  He promises to give them some dirt on Miss Lori, if they greenlight the project, so they agree.

The dirt: Miss Lori begged him to let her sing at the telethon, saying that she was broke and needed the gig.  Don't performers volunteer their time at those things?  And she immediately starts dating Eli.  Suspicious?  That's it?  I expected something juicier.

The Dirt on Miss Lori:  The siblings wait for Eli, discussing who gets to "crush him" first with their revelation. 

When he arrives -- wearing a ridiculous outfit --  they reveal that many of Lori's ex-boyfriends have ended up missing or dead.  Also "she's in debt up to her eyeballs."  Eli thinks they're just making stuff up, and yells at them that "Mama ain't coming back!"

"Us or her?" the siblings demand.  "Pick a side."

He picks the one that lets him have s*x, of course.  

Later, as they fume, Kelvin struts his stuff, bragging about his achievements.  Jesse thinks that his nomination for Top Christ Following is a sham, just tokenism.  Got to nominate the gay guy to prove that we're into diversity, but no way will he win. I remember when I was applying for jobs, I would often get interviews as a diversity token.  

Kelvin counters that Jesse is a loser.  Even his kids don't respect him.  And Judy, married to "a pole-dancing cripple."  Dang, Kelvin, you're a super jerk today.   They both get hurt feelings from these savage jabs.  "I hope you feel good about yourself," Jesse says. 

Kelvin turns his back -- no, he doesn't feel good about himself at all.  

Filming Teenjus: Teenage Jesus (Matthew Garbacz) complains to his sidekick Johnny B, aka John the Baptist (Pilot Bunch) that the kids in the village will never give him a shot.  Maybe if he wins the big dance contest, they'll believe that he's the Chosen One.  A centurion (Dan Auerbach of the band Black Keys) criticizes him for being a trouble-maker: "You're late to class."

Baby Billy cuts the action and asks Jesus for more "smolder."  

Matthew Garbacz began his career at age eight.  At age 16 he began touring as John Deacon in a Kings of Queen tribute band.  He has performed in Oliver!, Gypsy, Billy Elliot, and Les Miserables.

I assume that he is gay because appeared in Trust in Love (2024), about a record producer who comes out to his wife and son

And because of the way he celebrates Valentine's Day: "Tag the one you love."

And because he played a Queen.  Not the gay one, but still....

And because of his....

.  

Lori's Edibles: Lori and Eli want to give the siblings "some space," so they move to her house. Wait -- I thought she was living in Pigeon Forge.  If she's been living in Charleston the whole time, why hasn't she visited the Gemstones for years?

Corey meets them at the door: he dropped by to bring dinner, "Kung Pao Dynasty." Also, he left her edibles by the microwave.   Eli doesn't know what edibles are, so Miss Lori explains. Apparently he's ok with drug use now; he wasn't in earlier seasons.

Corey shakes Eli's hand and says "Have fun, you two," but as he walks away, he grimaces.  He's been killing the ex-boyfriends.

Meanwhile, Kelvin in a flamboyant costume is being photographed with the conservatively-dressed nominees for Top Christian Man. And it's time for the Live TV Roundtable.  

The full cast list is not in the episode credits or the IMDB, but I think the conservative minister being hugged by Kelvin is Chad Darnell, who is gay in real life.  He works primarily in casting, but he has 21 screen credits, and a lot of theater work, including the gay-themed Love! Valour! Compassion!, Forced, and Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

Plus some gay-themed screenplays and two novels.

More after the break

Khemjira: A Thai shaman and his students find boyfriends, with a "Power Ranger" demon, muscular ghosts, magic bees, a play, and penises

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Chad Allen: The Dr. Quinn hunk is outed, but still plays heterosexual romantic leads and a gay detective. With his cock and 1990s San Francisco

I finally cleaned out my "Profiles to Do" file,  eliminating Tyler Posey (extremely ugly), Ethan Cutkosky (only four photos), and Raphael Luce (already profiled him). Twelve guys are left: Nicholas Bechtel, Nathaniel Bacon, Ben Patrick Johnson...wait, Chad Allen.  The name brings back a flood of memories.

In 1995, my partner Lane and I moved to San Francisco, because why wouldn't you?  It was Gay Heaven.  It was also very difficult, cold, crowded, dirty, and dangerous.  Lane lasted for about six months before dumping me and high-tailing it back to the comfort of West Hollywood.  I stuck it out for two years.

The main problem: We felt obligated to serve as stand-ins for the thousands of gay men who dreamed of living in Gay Heaven.  Every moment had to count.  Every night was a mad rush of beer busts, bear parties, AIDS benefits, book signings, art openings, film premieres, and hookups, until, by Saturday night we were exhausted, and more often than not just wanted to get Chinese take-out and chill in front of the tube.  So we watched Married..with Children, Lois & Clark, Leaving L.A. (because we had left L.A.), and Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman (1993-98)

Jane Seymour played the titular doctor, also known as Doctor Mike, who moved out West in 1867 to deal with gamblers, grifters, bureaucrats, cowboys, Indians, and a lot of sick and dying people.  No gay characters, but come on, she was named Mike, she disguised herself as a man on many occasions, and she had a lesbian-subtext romance with her midwife, Charlotte.  After The Girl died, Doctor Mike adopted her three children and started a romance with a cowboy (Joe Lando).  You have to move on.

Chad Allen played Matthew Cooper, Dr. Mike's adopted son.  His plotlines involved trying to father his younger siblings after Mom's death (by rattlesnake bite), getting a girlfriend (who dies of rabies), being trapped in a cave-in, getting a new girlfriend, getting a gambling addiction, chasing cattle rustlers, and having various accidents.  Sure, it was ridiculous, but in the 1990s everything on tv was ridiculous.  Remember Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210?

Joe Lando appeared in Playgirl, but didn't show his dangly bits.

But Chad did.  At least, some leaked photos purportedly of a young adult Chad made the rounds of nude celebrity websites in the early 2000s.

Chad had been appearing heart-warmers and tear-jerkers since he was seven years old: Hotel, Webster, Highway to Heaven, Punky Brewster, and The Wonder Years (that's Fred Savage beside him).

His most iconic role was Tommy Westphal, the autistic son of Dr. Westphal in 17 episodes of the homophobic medical drama St. Elsewhere (1983-88).  We only watched one episode, and it was homophobic.

The season finale of St. Elsewhere revealed that the entire series was imagined by Tommy as he gazed at a snow globe.   It was all a dream. This enraged fans, but isn't all fiction someone's dream?

Chad also played more conventional roles, like the 12-year old David Witherspoon in 46 episodes of the dramedy Our House (1986-88).  The then-famous curmudgeon Wilford Brimley starred as the grandpa to three cute kids.

And Zach Nichols, who competes with Giovanni Ribisi for the attention of The Girl in 26 episodes of the comedy (sort of) My Two Dads (1987-1990).

In 1996,  Chad was outed when the tabloid The Globe published a leaked photo of him kissing a guy!  

Usually in the 1990s, coming out or being outed meant an instant end to your career, but Jane Seymour was a strong LGBT ally, and insisted that Chad continue appearing as Matthew in every episode of Dr. Quinn.  The writers did manage to avoid giving him a new girlfriend.

More after the break

Drake Bell: A lot has happened since "Drake and Josh," including some gay videos

  

You probably remember Drake Bell from Drake and Josh (2004-2007), the Nickelodeon teencom about mismatched stepbrothers, with Drake the schemer ("let's break into the school and stack all the desks upside down) and Josh (Josh Peck) the stick-in-the-mud ("but we have to study for our math test").   It was loaded down with gay subtexts, including an nearly-out gay couple, Craig and Eric.  (Dudes even hold hands during a crisis).

You may have gone to his first post-Drake movie, College (2008), where he and his three friends head for a "college weekend" (a weekend of fun activities to convince high schoolers to apply).  Theirs involves nonstop shenanigans, all intensely heteronormative. At least Drake is taped to a statue of the founder with his backside exposed to the world. I think it's supposed to be humiliating.

You may have watched A Fairly Odd Movie: Grow Up, Timmy Turner (2011), to see how Nickelodeon would handle the gay-subtext classic.  They flubbed it.  Timmy is absurdly heteros*xual. 

And then you probably relegated Drake to nostalgic memories, not paying a lot of attention to what he's been doing for the last few years.

I checked.  Brace yourself.  It's a lot.

More Fairly Oddparents movies.

A lot of stuff with former coster Josh Peck 

A lot of voice work, especially Spider-Man in various cartoons, even Phineas and Ferb, and a video game.

An Elf named Snowflake

Ben the Wizard in Bad Students of Crestview Academy

The reality series Splash, where celebrities dive for charity.

The paranormal series Silverwood

Damian in American Satan

A career in music, with six studio albums, eighteen singles, twelve music videos, and sold-out concerts.  Some songs in Spanish that top the Mexican charts. 

Drake's personal life after the break.  Warning: it gets rocky. 

"Mike and Nick and so on": Time traveling gangsters, a cannibal assassin, a gay party, Jimmy Tatro, and Arturo's d*ck

    

Hulu recommended a movie with a title so stylized that I couldn't decipher it, but the icon featured two guys, and I don't have enough movie reviews here, so I clicked on "play."  It's Mike & Nick & Nick & Alice (2026).

Scene 1: A Wacky Scientist (Ben Schwartz) working in a room full of old-fashioned desktop computers and dot-matrix printers.  The quantum stabilizers are engaged, so he wolf-howls with joy and sings a rap song about being the greatest person on Earth (but really, aren't all rap songs saying that?).   Continuing his song, he heads to the chalkboard and finishes his equation.  

Uh-oh, the portal starts to glow, and a figure appears.  Wacky Scientist pulls a gun to defend himself, and accidentally shoots himself, and sets the lab on fire.  Must be him from the future.

Scene 2: A lot of people yelling "Welcome back, Jimmy (Keith David)!" at a party celebrating his release from prison after 6 years.  

Wait -- Jimmy, played by Jimmy Tatro, is standing off to the side.  Everyone is cheering his Crime Lord Dad.  Director: why have the guest of honor off to the side, while everyone cheers his father? Do you have any idea how confusing that is?

Jimmy takes center stage and yells "Get loose, biatch!", whereupon everyone applauds, and a cute Short Guy yells "Awright!"  They must be responding to his catch phrase?

Crime boss Dad notes that someone in this room is responsible for Jimmy going to prison, and he'll be dealt with tonight.  But for now, have fun.

Scene 3:  A Sleazoid, standing at the bar, gets flirted with by a lady, while a Posh Guy glares at him; three ladies smooze; the Short Guy flirts with a sleeveless Muscle Hunk, then walks off with him.  A hookup!

I checked the cast list:

Slezoid: Mike (James Marsden)

Posh Guy: Nick (Vince Vaughn)

Short Guy: Dumbass Tony (Arturo Castro, left) 

Muscle Hunk: Roid Rage Ryan (Lewis Tan, top photo.).

Posh Guy is glaring because the lady flirting with the Sleazoid happens to be his wife, Alice.  She asks if he's going to the after-after-after party.  He's not, because he hates her, so she turns her attention back to the Sleazoid.

Scene 4:  Sleazoid, with flowers and wine, walks through dim blue-lit hallways.  It looks like a gay club, but it's actually a regular hallway in this hotel (crazy!), leading to a regular (albeit extremely dim) suite.  He calls Posh Guy's Wife to tell her that he left a key at the front desk for their hookup.  

There's a knock on the door.  "Holy shit!" Sleazoid exclaims.  It's Posh Guy -- did he catch on that Sleazoid is cheating with his wife?  "I know you're in there!!! Open up!!!"

Sleazoid texts the Wife.  "Don't let him in!  If he knows about us, he'll kill you!"  

Turns out that Sleazoid is an enforcer, breaking legs and murdering people, and Posh Guy has a job for him: "it might get heavy and weird."   

"But I wanted to go to Jimmy's after-after-after party."

"Nope, this is too important."

"I'm planning to leave the business, so no killing. But I'll beat someone up for you."

Scene 5: They drive to Posh Guy's house.  He tells Sleazoid to take some chloroform and knock out the person who answers the door, no matter who it is.  

Left: Arturo Castro's backside  I didn't have enough to make a full profile, but you're going to get his d*ck before this review ends.

The door is answered by: Posh Guy himself!  Wearing another outfit.

The chloroform doesn't work. They fight.  There's fireplace pokers, photos of wives, aquariums, and a trophy, and finally Posh Guy is killed.  

Scene 6: Our Posh Guy arrives, and is not happy to find the house destroyed and the Other Posh Guy dead.  Plus  "The Crime Boss will be here soon, and he can't see you."   

They clean up just in time for Sleazoid to hide.

Crime Boss arrives, and tells Posh Guy that he knows who ratted out his son Jimmy to "those pig c*ks*ckers."  Homophobic slur, in 2026!  I am disgusted.  You get one more before I'm outta here.

More after the break.