Jason Marsden: Second hottest of the Short Guy Brigade, Steve Smith, Max Goof, and Robin. With Marsden dicks
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"Human Discoveries" Episode 1.1: Paleolithic hunks invent underwear. With nude Zac Efron and Milo Ventimiglia
Human Discoveries (2019) is an animated series (available on Facebook) about a group of Paleolithic humans who discover things like fire, relationships, and underwear. Zac Efron stars as Gary, a loveable nebbish looking for love, community, and a way to avoid getting his butt bitten. Adam Devine appears in Episode 1 as the leader of an elk community. I reviewed the first episode, to check for gay characters or subtexts.
Scene 1: Ugg (Paul Scheer), a bare-chested caveman, comes running out of some bushes. I'm a fan already.
He and several other muscle guys run through the jungle, chased by a giant sabre-toothed tiger. They reach a cliff, and have to jungle-vine over it. Bart, doesn't make it; the tiger starts eating him. The guys make excuses to not save him.
Scene 2: Jane complains about the gender-inequality of their society: the women have to weave baskets and gather fruit, while the men get to fight the tiger that's been preying on them.
At a community meeting, Ugh admits that the tiger is still out there. Jane raises her concerns about gender equality; Gary (Zac Efron) agrees -- why not have everyone do the job they're best at? His roommate Trog (Lamorne Morris, left) thinks that he just wants to impress Jane.
Meanwhile, the elk are discussing their predicament as prey to the humans. Leader Elk (Adam Devine) complains: "Why are they cared of the tiger but not us? We weigh a thousand pounds, and have spears growing out of our heads."
Scene 3: Night. Gary and Jane flirt, and almost kiss, but they are interrupted by the camp guard being eaten ("Why is it starting with my feet?).
Back in the cave, Gary disapproves of the skirts they wear while hunting -- too easy for his dick to be injured -- so he sews in some nuderwear (nice butt shot) Trog disapproves: how can they poop with that thing on?
I know this isn't supposed to be historically accurate, but I can't help pointing out that no one in the Paleolithic Era actually lived in caves. They lived in tents, and in some regions huts made of mammoth bones.
Scene 4: The men go off to fight the tiger, and the women are assigned to weave baskets. Jane starts a rebellion: they're going to fight, too. But who's going to weave the baskets? Jane appoints an old guy who is a closet basket-weaver. "No more hiding!" he exclaims, displaying the baskets he has hiding in "the closet."
In the wild, Gary brags about the comfort and support his new genital hammock offers. Two of the hunters, Tristain and Bog (James Adomian, Sam Richardson) are a canonical couple: later, when the group discovers "relationships," they point out that they've been together for years. But here they just display some enthusiasm for each other's accomplishments.
Scene 5: The women dig holes and build scarecrows with spikes in the head, hoping that the tiger will attack and impale itself. But when the tiger arrives, chasing the men, it is not impaled. It approaches Gary -- who poops his pants, distracting the tiger long enough for Ugg-- to spear it.
Unfortunately, the women were so busy building the scarecrows and digging holes that they forgot to gather any fruit to eat. So Ugg decrees that the gender-polarized work assignments will remain.
More after the break
"Christmas on Cherry Lane": Three families, including a gay couple, with a big plot twist that you won't see coming
Christmas on Cherry Lane (2023) stars Vincent Rodriguez III, the muscular, bulging actor who specializes in family-friendly gay guys. I figured I would watch in the background while doing other things on my laptop, but no, it requires you to pay attention. There's a major plot twist. I'm giving only the character names, not the actors' names.
There are three families on Cherry Lane on Christmas Eve
Family 1: John and Lizzie, who is due in two weeks, just moved into the house, and are planning a quiet Christmas alone. They put up the tree and sing "Oh Come, All Ye Faithful," with a Hallmark Tree Trimmer ornament. This will become important later.
Suddenly Lizzie's Mom and Dad arrive, and announce that they invited her brother and his family! But Johnand Lizzie haven't even unpacked. Where will they put all those people?
Left: Dad Frank
Family 2: Regina and her friend Daisy, not shown, unpack Christmas decorations. Her back story: she's a widow with adult children, and a boyfriend named Nelson.
The adult kids, Winnie and Conrad, arrive in a horrible car. Why does he keep it, now that he's making a ton of money? Because his Uncle Ham gave it to him after Dad died. This will be important later.
Sister Winnie doesn't have a job, except singing at open-mike nights for tips, but she'll be a famous singer one day, she says. Mom wants her to try business school.
Mom announces that she's getting married to her Boyfriend, and she's selling the house and moving to Florida. The adult children do not like this at all, and plot to break them up.
Family #3: Zian, left, and Mike, who works as a chef at a restaurant called Repair. They just moved into their house, too, and they're planning a Christmas Eve party tonight with twelve people. Except contractor Quinn and his crew haven't finished remodeling the kitchen yet. He brings them a plate of Christmas cookies, complements them on what a cute couple they are, and asks if "that famous singer" is coming to the party. This will be important later.
Mike is freaking out. Maybe they could move the party to the restaurant? No, this is the first Christmas in their new house, where they're going to raise their family, so it's important to hold it here. They walk outside and sit on lawn chairs in the cold and sing "Silent Night." All of it.
Speaking of starting a family, the lady from the adoption agency tells them that the foster family they were placing a girl with backed out, so they're getting a child tonight -- on Christmas Eve. With twelve people coming for a party. Hopefully a family-friendly party. How are they going to get a bedroom ready?
More plot complications after the break. Spoiler alert: it's a big plot twist.
Gemstones Episode 1.3: Kelvin outs himself, Baby Billy gets naked, and Scotty shoves his wiener into Gideon's face.. With some bonus wieners.
In Episode 2, we saw problems in the developing Kelvin/Keefe and Judy/BJ relationships: Kelvin is too hesitant, and BJ too eager. But the main takeaway was Gideon: Jesse's estranged son is one of the blackmailers! Episode 3 will develop the Gideon/Scotty plot arc further, postponing Kelvin/Keefe to their centric episode, "Wicked Lips." But first we need Kelvin to out himself a few times.
Title: "They are weak, but He is strong." From "Jesus Loves Me," a hymn by Anna Bartlett Warner published in 1862, but based on 2 Corinthians 12:10, NIV: "When I am weak, then I am strong." You can't get much weaker than these guys.
Baby Billy's Cock: The childhood home of Eli's late wife, famous Gospel singer Aimee-Leigh. A poster advertises the "Sing for Joy" concert tour, featuring the Freeman's Gap duo, Aimee-Leigh and Baby Billy. Two children on the cover of a single album, "Misbehavin'." They must have been a brother-sister act as children, before Aimee-Leigh became a serious gospel singer. A young woman yells that Baby Billy's hot milk is ready; she brings it to him as he bathes outside.
He stands -- a huge cock fills the screen! Objectively it's not very big, but we've never seen a close-up of a cock in any tv show before, and rarely anything at all, so it is startling and highly erotic, underscoring that Baby Billy is a creature of prodigious sexual appetite.
Eyes on the Prize: Gideon meditates on the Tao te Ching as the family prepares for church: "Eyes on the prize. To the still mind, the entire universe surrenders." He's actually quoting the Tao te Ching wrong.
Baby Billy's Cock: The childhood home of Eli's late wife, famous Gospel singer Aimee-Leigh. A poster advertises the "Sing for Joy" concert tour, featuring the Freeman's Gap duo, Aimee-Leigh and Baby Billy. Two children on the cover of a single album, "Misbehavin'." They must have been a brother-sister act as children, before Aimee-Leigh became a serious gospel singer. A young woman yells that Baby Billy's hot milk is ready; she brings it to him as he bathes outside.
We see the back of his head -- now white-haired -- as he describes the satellite church his brother-in-law Eli is giving him -- "in the middle of everything -- fun chain restaurants, name-brand clothing stores." We see his face -- fans of Danny McBride's work will recognize him as Walton Goggins of Vice Principals in old-age makeup.
He stands -- a huge cock fills the screen! Objectively it's not very big, but we've never seen a close-up of a cock in any tv show before, and rarely anything at all, so it is startling and highly erotic, underscoring that Baby Billy is a creature of prodigious sexual appetite.
Although Walton Goggins has been nude on camera before, in this case they hired a stunt cock belonging to an unidentified 80-year old man from town,
Trivia note: Baby Billy is actually 66 or 67 in this scene, and Walton Goggins is 51.
Baby Billy promises Tiffany, his new wife -- Number Four, plus a number of boyfriends -- a world of "riches and glamour" with the Gemstones.
Eyes on the Prize: Gideon meditates on the Tao te Ching as the family prepares for church: "Eyes on the prize. To the still mind, the entire universe surrenders." He's actually quoting the Tao te Ching wrong.
On the way to the Salvation Center, his brothers ask about the celebrities he met in Hollywood. Well, Vin Diesel (left). Jesse tries to one-up him by claiming to have met Telly Savalas, star of Kojak (1973-78). Jesse was not born until 1981, so he couldn't have watched in real time.
The Satellite Church: Judy, BJ, and Kelvin are scoping out the dying shopping mall where they opened the satellite church: "All around America, capitalism is dying," Kelvin points out. "That's when we step in." He will never display this insightful knowledge of economics, or anything other than muscles, again.
Queer code: First Kelvin does a little femme flutter and hand-on-waist. Then a hot girl walks past: an opportunity for him to demonstrate that he is heterosexual with a double-take? No,he looks the other way.
Baby Billy is greeting the congregants in front of gigantic photos of himself and Kelvin. Why Kelvin, in particular? Maybe to indicate that they're both outsiders, struggling to be taken seriously by the family. Or because they both have huge cocks.
As Baby Billy begins the service, the siblings watch from offstage. Gideon tunes up his guitar. Judy comments that he's "looking tasty. Staying in shape." Kelvin agrees; "He is. That's showbiz, right? You to to keep a tight physique." You just outed yourself to your sister, Kelv Baby.
Jesse disagrees: lots of people who work behind the scenes are "fat as fuck,." But, Kelvin insists, if you want to be a star, you have to be a "specimen...a straight unit." According to the Urban Dictionary, a "straight unit" is a guy who is tall, strong, muscular, and well-hung. How much farther out can Kelvin get?
Afterwards the siblings meet Tiffany. They disapprove of her countrified lack of refinement, her teeth, and her insistance that they call her Aunt Tiffany, even though she is younger than
More wieners after the break
Dominik Togyela: Hungarian photographer, fitness model, and gay porn star from Barcelona or Vietnam
You're probably wondering why Dominik Togyela appeared in the Kelton Dumont's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 3 collection. He popped up in a search for Kelton photos, so I figured that the two knew each other or had appeared in a movie together. But Dominik is not listed on the IMDB or Broadway database.
According to his Facebook page, Dominik lives in Barcelona and attended the Grisart Ecola Internacional de Fotografia.
Or he may live in Nyíregyháza, Hungary, where he attended the Bánki Donát Műszaki Technikum és Kollégium
How about the gyógymasszőr, therapeutic massage therapist, from Budapest?
Enough with Facebook. I tried Instagram, and found a Dominik with two accounts, private with 97,000 followers and professional with 836 followers.
He modeled Pump Underwear, appeared in Boylicious and Adonis Male, and got a Playgirl spread in September 2023.
30 videos on Youtube, with 279 subscribers. They are mostly humorous POVs. Here he's saying "When the priest says Mass and stabs you"?
An OnlyFans page where he shows his dick.
More after the break
Kelton Dumont's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 3: Birthday biceps, bare bums, rugger dicks, and brothers for life
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"The Whale": Chub and fundy debate whether God hates gays. Plus chub and fundy dick
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I accidentally clicked on The Whale on Netflix, forgetting that when you click, you don't get more information, it starts. And I was eating a bagel, so I kept watching.
Scene 1: A bus drives through a wilderness of fields, with mountains in the background. It stops to let someone out -- with no houses or buildings for miles around?
Cut to someone teaching "persuasive writing" in a Zoom room. The students wonder why his camera isn't on. No icon, either, just a black square that gets bigger and bigger. Maybe he's a ghost.
Scene 2: The teacher, Charlie, at home. He's a super-chub plus who needs a walker to get around, now masturbating to gay porn! Wheezing, clutching at his left arm, he begins grading a paper on Moby Dick. I thought he was having a heart attack.
A stranger played by Ty Simpkins, top photo, walks in, says "Oh my God," and asks if he need an ambulance. No, still wheezing and clutching, he wants the stranger to read the Moby Dick essay to him.
Many people don't know that there is a gay couple in Moby Dick: Ishmael and Queequeg. And a whale, ergo the title of the movie.
Reading it calms Charlie down. He asks the stranger -- there to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ -- to retrieve his cell phone from beneath the couch. Oh no, he's going to bash the guy to death.
Nope. Just asks him to stick around while he calls his friend Liz, a nurse.
Scene 3: Liz shows up, checks Charlie out, and complains that he should have gone to the hospital. He has congestive heart failure. His blood pressure is 238/134. Is that even possible?
While he's in the bathroom, Liz talks to the God guy, Thomas. He's from New Life; her father is on the church board. She went when she was young, but she "fucking hated" the end-of-the-world bull*. I get it; I grew up terrified that the Rapture would come at any moment, and I'd be left behind.
By the way, Charlie hates New Life, too, because it killed his boyfriend -- her brother. No doubt a suicide due to being indoctrinated into "God hates fags" ideology. So he doesn't need Thomas quoting the Book of Leviticus when he is about to die.
They kick Thomas out. Darn, I thought he would be a major character, and we'd get some people combating religious homophobia. Maybe Charlie would help him come out.
Scene 4: They argue about going to the hospital some more. Charlie still refuses. They watch tv: The Idaho GOP presidential primary is tomorrow, with Ted Cruz leading, so this is March 7, 2016.
So, is there going to be any paranormal here at all? Or at least a murder?
I'm fast-forwarding.
Very limited setting -- everything takes place in Charlie's house, and there are only two more characters -- Charlie's estranged daughter, and the pizza delivery guy.
Wait -- Thomas returns at minute 41. Charlie is in the bathroom. The Estranged Daughter answers the door.
He says that Charlie wanted to hear about the New Life Church -- he kicked you out, dummy -- and brought some literature.
"Oh, the end time cult thing. All religion is bullshit. By the way, have some juice, and please come back again tomorrow." Huh? Does she like him? Well, I guess he won't be coming out.
Daughter leaves, and Thomas starts badgering Charlie about the End Times. Hey, maybe it will happen in the movie. A Left Behind kind of thing.
"There are a lot of clues in Scripture that suggest Christ is returning soon. I can't wait. Everything bad in the world will be wiped clean." Like the gay people, right?
Then: "God brought me here for a reason. He wants me to save your soul." Being saved means not being gay anymore, of course.
"There's something you can do for me," Charlie says. Thomas thinks he means sex, and starts stuttering "I'm not...I mean..." At least he doesn't start screaming.
Charlie explains that he is not interested in that. He likes big guys.
Liz comes in. "What the f*ck is he doing here?" Getting a blow job, of course.
This is too problematic. I'm getting triggered by evangelical homophobia. I'll check wikipedia to see if Ty ends up coming out.
The answer, and Ty's dick, after the break. Caution: Explicit.
"Bad Ideas with Adam Devine": When you need to f*k the Sadness in a hurry. With bonus buddy bulges and butts
But you don't have time for a whole movie, or an episode of Workaholicsor The Righteous Gemstones. What do you do?
1. Compete in the World's Hottest Pepper Eating Contest, in the Bahamas. With Thomas Middleditch from Solar Opposites
2. Compete in a demolition derby, the Night of Destruction, at Perris Auto Speedway, near Riverside, California. With Blake Anderson from Workaholics
Blake bulging as a cop-stripper
3. Become stunt performers in a Western movie (after seven minutes of training). With Rebel Wilson from Pitch Perfect
4. Drive an ice cream truck up highway P3 in Peru, called "the Death Road" for its hairpin turns and 1000 foot drops. With Anders Holm from Workaholics
More after the break
"TIme Cut": Girl travels into the past to stop a murder, with Griffin Gluck's boyfriend and Zane Phillips' dick
Netflix recommended Time Cut, 2024. I'm a sucker for time travel/time paradox science fiction stories, so why not a movie?
Scene 1: 2003. Sweetly, Minnesota, har har. Summer Fling -- her real name, har har! -- goes to a barn dance-themed party. Quinn (Griffin Gluck), the nerd with the unrequited crush on her, didn't think she would come, due to the serial killer targeting teens in the area. He tries to give her a card confessing his love, but before he has a chance, Ethan (Samuel Braun, below), the obnoxious jock whom she is dating, drags her off.
Cut to the dance. Jock Ethan suggests that they raise their cups in memorial to the three dead teens, while a Michael Myers-masked killer stalks outside, and a police car zooms over the bridge.
Uh-oh, Summer fling spills something, and goes to the empy bathroom to clean up. The state police arrive to break up the party, but Summer doesn't hear them. The killer arrives, chases her around, and finally grim-reaps her to death. So he was going to wait until the party emptied out except for one person?
Scene 2: April 18, 2024. Lucy awakens in her bed, goes out to a porch swing to mourn her dead sister, who she couldn't possibly have known -- and checks on the status of her application to a 3-month internship with NASA -- she got in!
She scooters through town , which is in decay -- graffiti everywhere, town clock smashed, stores closed. 20 years ago the Slasher killed four teens, and the town went into its downward spiral. Turn the slasher barn into a tourist attraction, like Lizzie Borden's house.
In school, she tells her science teacher that she got in. He's ecstatic. But she can't tell her parents because this is the anniversary of their daughter's murder.
Out in the hallway, the students are all talking about the murders -- the biggest event in the town's history. Two were killed in the mall. "What the heck is a mall?", someone asks. Another at the Marine Museum, and the fourth at the big dance.
Scene 4: At home, Lucy visits her sister's old room, kept up as a shrine. Overwhelmingly pink, a Buffy the Vampire Slayer poster, a landline phone, a creaking floorboard...wait, there's something under there -- notes. "Summer, now I'll be free, but you'll never be. You'll regret this." Girlfriend had lots of secrets.
Scene 5: Dinner at the Olive Garden The server brings the "Field Family Special," and announces "You look so much like her." Come on, it's been 20 years. How does a casual acquaintance even remember?
Mom and Dad (Michael Shanks, left) are walking shells, immersed in their grief like Miss Haversham moaning over that 30-year old wedding cake in Great Expectations. They had Lucy as a substitute, but they ignore her individuality and accomplishments and just treat her as a reminder of her dead sister.
Lucy comes clean about her internship offer. "WHAT? Go to DC for 3 months? It's full of serial killers! You can get a job at the tech company like me." My Dad assumed that I would be going to work in the factory. He only agreed to college when I got a full scholarship -- he figured I would go to work in the factory afterwards.
Next stop: The abandoned barn where Summer was murdered. They've built a shrine full of photos, ceramic horses, Barbie dolls, and teddy bears. Way more than 20. They must come here every week.
This week's offering: a pair of flip-flops that Mom carefully engraved. Your living daughter is standing right there, idjit..
Uh-oh, Lucy forgot the offering she was going to leave. As she fetches it, she hears a machine beeping and thrumming from inside the barn! It's a weird techno-thing with a "start" button. Do not push "start" on a strange machine girl! She pushes it. Two lasers pop out and start thrumming, and zap! Her parents aren't around, and the barn is brand new. No bars on her cell phone -- no network! It's 2003!
Who put a time machine in the barn? This makes no sense.
More after the break. Caution: Explicit.
Gemstones Episode 1.2, Continued: Eli catches a snake, Christian poses nude, and Kelvin sees the Devil's Testicle
Previous: Episode 1.2: Thai ladyboys, Italian shoes, Palestinian dicks, and the devil's kiss.
Although this episode was mostly about establishing the toxic Scotty-Gideon relationship, we saw Kelvin recoiling from a butt-slap from Matthew, then touching Keefe's arm with a look of passion that's impossible to mistake. In the last scenes, we find out more about the nature of his desire.
Confronting the Blackmailers: The siblings go to the hotel where the blackmailers are staying. When they pass a breastfeeding mother, Judy gazes hungrily at the baby, a maternal desire that is not referenced again. The desk clerk tells them that the blackmailers checked out today. Dead end.
The desk clerk asks if "the little boy" is Jesse and Judy's son. Kelvin counters that he's "fully grown..an adult man." His belief that everyone treats him like a kid will be central in Season 2.
He begins to pray, interspliced with shots of Amber playing the piano and Keefe spotting Kelvin on the bench press. Suddenly Keefe's testicle pops out of his gym shorts!
Kelvin finishes a rep, his eyes closed from the exertion, then looks up and notices. Keefe moves away.
Kelvin sits up, breathing heavily. The camera moves in for a close-up of his face. He is shocked and confused.
This is not the expression of someone embarrassed from seeing his buddy's testicle. He is terrified. Something is stirring that he doesn't understand, or maybe he understands but doesn't want to. He is experiencing homoerotic desire. He got harder? He can no longer interpret his feelings for Keefe as mere buddy-bonding.
Harder: Notice the motto on the wall: "Harder..better... faster. .stronger...saved." This may be a reflection of the song "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger," although I wonder how Kelvin is familiar with an album by the Australian electro band Daft Punk, released in 2001, when he was 11 or 12 years old.
Other suggestions: The Olympic motto, "Faster, Higher, Stronger," and Bigger, Stronger, Faster, a 2008 documentary about steroid abuse among bodybuilders. It included interviews with practically every pro bodybuillder of the present and past, from Arnold Schwarzenegger, top photo, to Mike Bell.
More nude bodybuilders after the break
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