"What You Wish For": Nick Stahl plays a chef who discovers what's on the menu. With two n*de Ecuadorian dudes

  


What You Wish For (2023) just dropped on Hulu.  It stars Nick Stahl, who played a lot of conflicted queer teenagers back in the day, so I'm in.

Scene 1: A very craggy Nick Stahl arrives in an unspecified South American country (very near the equator, so maybe Ecuador).  He tries to get a cab, but he doesn't speak Spanish, and the taxi drivers don't speak English...then he sees that his host sent a driver!

Through the jungle to a beautiful ultra-modern house.  The host left a note: he won't be back until late, but make yourself at home.  So Nick cooks himself an omelette.

Uh-oh, a text from Rabbit: he wants the $50,000 right away.  Leaving the country won't help: "I'll track you down."  Gambling debts?




Scene 2
: Jack (Brian Groh) arrives.  Back story: they were roommates in culinary school 12 years ago, and haven't seen each other since. So, whose idea was this reunion?   Nick is a failure, reduced to cooking in a hotel kitchen ("a lot of roast chicken"), while Jack travels to exotic locations all over the world: he spends a week in the ritzy house, vetting ingredients, prepping, and cooking a meal for rich people.  He's paid extraordinarily well for this.  "But it's not as exciting as it sounds.  My bosses are assholes, and...well..."

Scene 3: They drive into town.  Jack complains about cooking for the super-rich among the most impoverished people you've ever met.  When they stop for lunch, Jack asks "So, do you have a wife or girlfriend back home?"  No.  You forgot to ask about a boyfriend or husband, buddy.

Not to worry, a tourist named Alice, having a "spontaneous adventure," joins them, and asks if they're together.  "No, we haven't seen each other in twelve years."  That doesn't tell her if you are gay.

They invite her back to the house to see which is the best chef (she prefers Nick's risotto).  Then they go swimming, and Alice and Jack head off to bed. Hetero identity established at Minute 15. Interesting that there's no question about who Alice will hook up with. Is Nick not into ladies?

Scene 4: In the morning, Jack drives Alice back to her hotel, and returns to hang out with Nick again.  

"Why do you need a whole week to source the ingredients for just one meal?"

"It's complicated.  My bosses are...well, people are just the worst, selfish a-holes.  And they're destroying the planet.  We'll all be dead in ten years, so what's the point."

Scene 5: The next morning, Nick wakes up to discover that Jack has hanged himself!  This came as a shock.

He doesn't grieve much, because he didn't really know the guy.  Suddenly Rabbit texts: "I need that $50,000 or your mum gets it!"  

Nick gets the bright idea of stealing Jack's identity, raiding his bank account to pay his gambling debts, and taking his place in the cushy chef job.  He talks his way into changing the password on Jack's bank account, then rushes out and buys a fake id.

Later that day, director Imogine and her assistant Maurice (Juan Carlos Messier) arrive, and are horrified that he's been there for a week,b ut hasn't vetted out the meat yet.  "No problem: it's just one meal.  I'll buy it tomorrow." 

"Buy it?  Are you daft?"  Uh-oh.

Director Imogene rushes him to a convenience store in town; maybe someone there is healthy.  Nope, they'll have to try again tomorrow.   Healthy?  Finally Nick realizes that he's supposed to cook people! 

Scene 6: Nick tries to leave during the night and change back to his Nick identity, but they are both up.  They sense that he's trying to leave, and explain: they serve 50 meals a year, but often choose two people, in case one is "rotten."  That's about 75 deaths per year, far fewer than workers in the oil industry, or cab drivers. Plus they channel 10% off their profits back into the community they harvest from, so it's a win-win.

But they're counting on Nick.  If he refuses to cook, or prepares a bad meal, he's dead.


Scene 7:
 In the morning, Maurice takes him into the village, where Sunday Mass is just letting out.  They set their sights on a teenage girl, but she's with an old lady, who would be no good.  An  auto mechanic named Jose (Felipe Solano) looks ok.  Maurice flirts with him, finds out about his interest in sports and healthy eating habits, and shoots him. 

Uh-oh, the two ladies have contacted the police, who interrogate Maurice.  He claims that they're scoping out sites for a possible hotel.  Nick is the architect.


Scene 8
: Back at the house, Nick has the job of prepping the body.

Left: Jose, N*de Dude #1










Want to see his frontside?

Afterwards Nick tries to run away again, but accidentally hits a member of the grounds crew (and crashes the car).  

Maurice tells him that only one chef has ever been allowed to quit: she cooked so well that the Agency was impressed, but instead of payment she asked to be released, and they agreed.  So maybe Nick could cook an exceptional meal, and get ou that way?

Scene 9: He announces four courses: Carpaccio with pozole soup; turnip spaghetti carbonara with sage beurre noisette; thigh Bourdelaise and beets;  and tongue sashimi for dessert (requested by one of the guests).  You don't generally think of beets and turnips as South American, but they grow specialized tropical varieties in Ecuador.


More after the break.  

"The Naked Brothers Band," the most heterosexist teencom on Nickelodeon. Plus the grown-up brothers' cocks, butts, and gay-vague characters.


Around 2008, I researched queer codes on children's tv for what turned out to be three scholarly articles.  I gave high scores to Drake and Josh,  Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide,  The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, The Wizards of Waverly Place, and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.  Phil of the Future, Ed Edd and Eddy, and Zoey 101 got low scores, and the lowest: The Naked Brothers Band.

It was a mockumentary about the misadventures of a fictional band led by preteen brothers, Alex and Nat Wolff.  They never explained the embarrassingly salacious name, but I assume that it meant that you would be seeing their real life, uncurated and unmediated. 

Of course, it was curated and mediated.  Alex and Nat did have a band, and some of their real-life bandmates (like Dan Levi, left) were in the cast, but most of the characters and situations were purely fictional.  They were not at all famous.  Yet.   

In 2004, actress Polly Draper had the idea of making a mockumentary about her sons' band, sort a preteen Spinal Tap or A Hard Day's Night.  She got her wealthy (or wealthier) brother to finance The Naked Brothers Band, filmed it in mid-town Manhattan, and entered it the 2005 Hamptons International Film Festival.  Nickelodeon bought it, and suggested a teencom spin-off, competition to the upstart Myley Cyrus in Hannah Montana. 


 Nat Wolff was only twelve years old, and Alex was nine,  a little young to handle a teencom by themselves, so Polly added adults to the cast to pull some of the weight.  Mostly her relatives: husband Michael Wolff as the boys' widowed dad; niece Jesse as their babysitter; brother Tim as the school principal. Plus a steady stream of celebrity friends, including Ryan Seacrest, Tony Hawk, and Whoopi Goldberg, popped by to play themselves.

The result was three seasons of intense nepotism and aggressive "girls! girls! girls!' hetero-horniness (2007-09).

I only watched one episode for my research project (there were over 30 programs in my dataset), so to be fair, I just watched another:  "Three is Enough" (February 8, 2008)

In the teaser, Alex wants to practice putting his arm around his "true love" in the movies.  Nat is skeptical -- he has a new "true love" every week.  But he agrees to play the girl.  Then Alex plays the girl so Nat can practice.  The gender-play is a queer code, but it's drowned out by the endless discussion of how many girls they like.


Next: they have writen a new song, "Three is Enough."  Babysitter Jesse agrees: three is the perfect amount of everything, from donuts to boys. For instance, she can't choose between the three "adorable Timmerman Brothers" (played by Polly's excessively rich nephews).  She implies that she is dating all of them, and perhaps not one at a time. Maybe they are involved in a queer four-way romance.




Then the Handsome Foreigner next door (Michael W. Barry)  asks her to the big horror movie.  The Timmermans get jealous and decide to spy on them.

At the studio, famous cartoonist Jules Feiffer, playing himself, is drawing cartoons to project over the band's new song.  Alex asks to be portrayed as cooler and more teenager-ish, and for the girl he is in love with to look more like his real-life true love.  

The main plot: their manager, 12-year old Cooper (Cooper Pillot) accidentally asks a girl for a date.  The band suggests various ways to get out of it, but he doesn't want to get out of it. He just wants Nat to come along for moral support.  But Nat needs a date, and he can't ask his on-off girlfriend Rosalie while they're "on a break."  Can he?  This section can't be easily queered; it's boys and girls all the way down.

Verdict: A few gender-bending moments , but no gay subtexts.

I couldn't even find any gay actors in the cast, except for Andre Keenan-Bolger, who played the snippy director Christophe in four episodes.

After the break: Have the Naked Brothers continued their heteronormative erasure as adults?  Have they gotten naked?

Austin Lindsay: The casually naked roommate on "Overcompensating" has a BFA and a lot of depressing shorts. With bonus nude fratboys

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Jordan Buhat: The Grown-ish hunk solves murders, is murdered, spends Christmas on Cherry Lane, shows his cock in a 30 minute j/o video

 


A celebrity named Jordan Buhat posts 30-minute long videos where he dances nude in front of the camera, teasing that he's goiing to show his cock minute after minute after minute.  Then at the very end, he finally gets around to about 30 seconds of j/o  (after the break).

Ok, it's impressive, but there are lots of guys out willing to go farther, and faster.  I don't have all day.








He shows his rather impressive butt also, so I'm going to conclude that he's gay and a bottom.  But why the endless teases that most guys are just going to just fast-foward through?

Jordan graduated from the University of Alberta in 2018.  He had taken a few small roles, on Letterkenny, Summer of 84, and Blurt, but planned on a career as a secondary school drama and gym teacher.  Then he was cast in Grown-ish, and "everything changed." 

 Grown-ish (2018-24), the sequel to Black-ish, sends Zoey Johnson, the teenage daughter of the family, to college.  Like A Different World, but with more angst. 







Bad news: Vivek (Jordan) and Doug (Diggy Simmons, right) are not a gay couple.  During the first three seasons, Vivek Shaw is an engineering major who deals drugs to finance his extravagant fashion tastes.  He pursues a lot of girls, but fails to seal the deal.  This leads his friends to conclude that he is gay, and deliberately trying to avoid bedroom activity.  So he tries a three-way with a dude.  Nope, he is only into girls. Eventually he gets two girlfriends.

According to the fan wiki, there are two bisexual girls, but no lesbians or gay men on campus.




Although Vivek is usually the "har har, he can't get laid" comic relief, he has some angst plotlines.  He is beat up when a drug deal goes wrong, and ends up in the hospital; he is kicked out of his residence hall, and has to couch-surf; he is arrested for drug possession, expelled from the college, and disowned by his father, who dies of  a heart attack before they can reconcile. 

Jordan has six other acting credits during or after Grown-ish:





Margaux (2022): Six college friends, three girls and three boys (Jordan, Jedidiah Goodacre, Lochlun Munro) rent a house for a weekend of partying, only to find that they are being stalked by a murderous AI.  Jordan is handcuffed to a bed during a bondage session with his girlfriend, when the AI makes the ceiling collapse, killling him.

The three most recent of twenty Aurora Teagarden Mysteries (2023 and 2024)  flashback to the small-town librarian/sleuth's grad student years.  She solves murders and falls in love with Chef Daniel (Jordan). 



Prom Dates
(2024): Two girls have been planning the perfect prom since they were 13.  But just before the big night, Jess catches her boyfriend (Jordan) cheating, and dumps him, and Hannah decides that this would be the perfect time to come out as a lesbian, and dumps her boyfriend, too.  Now they have 24 hours to meet and win the Boy and Girl of Their Dreams.  But all of the good prospects are already taken...

More after the break