For all your manscaping needs
Beards, pits, pecs, pubes
"If you've got a dick, we're on it."
.jpg)
1. "Want to play with my balls?"
2. Guidance counselor: "Do you want to model underwear or lift 400-pound logs?"
Robert: "Heck with that. I'm doing both."
They chatted about ordinary things, rated a few bulges, and then Kelvin got down to business. "Percy, I had an ulterior motive in inviting you to lunch today. Remember my Cousin Karl? You met him at the wedding reception."
"Big guy, black beard, baby face, smile that lights up the whole state? Sure, he's hard to miss."
"He came out to Keefe and I last night."
"Wait -- out as gay? Isn't he over 30?"
"He's got a lot of catching up to do."
"Karl wants a boyfriend, but he's so soft and sweet, a little kid, really, that we don't trust him on Grindr, or Gay Christian Mingle . And you're like the gay expert of South Carolina. You belong to every club, you know everybody, and so..."
"So you want me to play matchmaker? Sure, glad to do it. Off the top of my head, I can think of four or five candidates. Let's start with Brett. He goes to my gym -- built like a bodybuilder, chest for days! He'll be able to appreciate Karl's muscles."
Keefe and Kelvin were sitting on the couch in the parlor, kissing, when Percy and Karl’s date knocked on the door. The Bodybuilder shook their hands (Kelvin forgot his name almost immediately), and Percy tried to hug them both while balancing a large white box. "I brought tiramisu for dessert. I hope it fits with the menu. What are we having?"
"We don't know. Cousin Karl is cooking, and he won't let anyone in the kitchen."
"Tiramisu fits with anything, though," Keefe said. "I'll bring it in to him." He took the box from Percy's hands and headed back into the house.
More after the break
Karl and Percy sat on the love seat in the master bedroom, drinking sparkling grape juice from wine glasses and kissing. Karl was fully aroused, an enormous tent in his pants. Percy resisted the urge to get on his knees -- not yet. He wanted this night to last.
"Ready?" he asked.
"Yessir. I think I been ready since the first time I saw you."
They stood and faced each other. Karl started to undress. "No, let me do that," Percy whispered. He carefully unbuttoned his own shirt, revealing his slight but firm chest and belly, Then Karl's shirt. Massive pecs, enormous arms, a mountain-man's belly.
More after the break
They only met three weeks ago, when his bff Kelvin Gemstone told him that Cousin Karl had just come out -- at age 43 -- and wanted Percy to play matchmaker. He found three "perfect" matches -- a bodybuilder to match Karl's Strong Man awards, a musician to match the Kentucky bluegrass that he played at the Pour House every Friday night, and a carpenter to match his job in landscaping, But Karl didn't want any of them -- he wanted Percy!
Kelvin sat on his other side, next to his partner Keefe. That was amazing, too -- back when they first met, when Percy was hired to design the new executive board room at the Gemstone Salvation Center, the poor guy couldn't even acknowledge that he was gay. He pretended that his boyfriend was "just a good buddy"; God forbid that they ever appear together in public. Now, three years later, he was happy to be seen on a double date!
When the movie ended, they strolled through Charleston's French Quarter, past the Lowcountry Art Gallery, The Bakehouse, Sweetgrass Baskets, little gay-owned boutiques and quirky restaurants, toward their cars in the Queen Street Lot. Heads turned to look at Kelvin, and one guy asked for a selfie-- he was famous, after all, one of the few out gay evangelical ministers in the country. But maybe they were looking at Karl -- 6'7", 375 pounds, with a long black beard framing a baby face and a smile that could light up the whole state, a macho woodsman holding hands with a skinny, femme interior designer.
"Hey, y'all want to stop at Magnolia's for some pecan pie?" Percy called ahead.
Kelvin turned back. "There's dessert back at the house, if you're up for it. Our housekeeper Martiza made an Albanian walnut-honey cake. What did she call it, Keefe?"
"Shendetlie, I think."
"You know I have a sweet tooth," Percy said. "I'm up for it if Karl is."
"Sounds cool," Karl said. "But...um...Cousin Keefe, can I talk to you?" He rushed ahead and took Keefe's arm. Kelvin hung back.
"How are things going with Karl?" he asked. "What date is this? Your sixth or seventh?"
"If you count ice cream the first night, church twice, the bluegrass concert, game night at your place, and dinner with his Mama, seven. But I also helped him with Fun Day at the Gemstone Amusement Park, and we've hung out at my apartment -- well, we've been together almost every day."
"But you haven't been intimate yet?"
"Does that surprise you, Kelvin? Didn't you and Keefe wait like two years?"
"But I didn't even know that I was gay yet. You've been out since age 10."
Percy took Kelvin's arm. "That's part of his charm. He's a perfect Southern gentleman. He brings me flowers, and holds the door open for me, and treats me..."
"Like a lady?"
"Well, he doesn't have any role models for gay relationships, except for you guys, and that's exactly how you treat Keefe."
Kelvin laughed. "Really? I never noticed."
"Don't get me wrong -- I would love to see Karl naked. But for some reason I'm not in a hurry. Just sitting on the couch with his arm around me -- I've never felt so warm and safe, and...well, loved."
"I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way about Keefe. The sex is great, but it's seeing him smile that makes my day." He paused. "I thought it would be weird for you and Karl. You're so different."
More after the break.
Although his main focus has been indie doomed-romance-with-women movies, he has played several gay characters, generally of the angst-ridden, tragic-ending sort.
In Meth Head (2013), he takes crystal meth and destroys his life, in spite of his partner's attempts to save him.
