Showing posts with label Karl Montgomery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Karl Montgomery. Show all posts

"My Three Gay Sons and...ugh...Vance Simkins": A Jesse Gemstone Adventure, with Guest Star Karl Montgomery




October 18, 2025:

When Jesse walked into the media room, he saw Priscilla, Queen of the Desert on the big tv -- drag queens in the Australian outback -- and Pontius with his arms wrapped around someone.  They were kissing.

For a moment he thought it was a girl, proving that this "bi" stuff was just a phase.  But no, it was Stacy, the long-haired femme kid who was shot and almost killed at the Gator Farm Massacre.  How did he and Pontius manage to find each other?   

Sure, Stacy was a nice boy -- maybe too nice for his asshole son.  But after Kelvin coming out, then Cousin Karl, then his friend Levi, plus both Daddy and Uncle Baby Billy mentioning gay romances in their past, and now Pontius. Who was next,  BJ?  Aunt May-May?  Jesse was getting a little tired of being an ally.

“Hey, cool off," he called down.  "Give your tongues a rest.  Is that all you ever do?”


Pontius raised his head.  “Of course not," he said with an evil grin.  "We do a lot of stuff. Wanna watch?”

Jesse had already caught Pontius going down on Stacy -- in the hospital, of all places!  He didn't need a repeat. "Don't be a smartass.  You gonna go to the Queer Youth Game Night at Kelvin's house, or you gonna stay here and make out?"

"Stay here and make out?" Pontius asked, looking expectantly at Stacy.

"No, we're going. It's important for us to socialize with other queer youth."  He stood, took Pontius' hand, and pulled him to his feet.

"You're always going to get you rway" Pontius said, smiling.  "If only you weren't so gosh-darned cute."

Gosh-darned?  Jesse thought.  Maybe Stacy is a good influence on him.  

"One more for the road," Stacy said, "And then we'd better get to that party."  He leaned up and kissed Pontius.

"Disgusting display!" 


It was Vance Simkins, the megachurch pastor whose homophobic rants almost pushed Kelvin back into the closet, before he rallied, came out on national television, and won the Top Christ Following Man of the Year Award.  

 “Who let you in?” Jesse asked, frowning.  "I defeated you in that duel, remember?  So stay on your own side of the state."

“The security station was letting everybody through, if they said they were coming for the party.  What party?"

“Kelvin and Keefe's Game Night," Jesse said, omitting the "queer."

But Vance caught on anyhow.  "Good thing I dropped by.  Is this one of them decadent parties with little holes in the wall, so you can stick your dick through and anybody who wants can suck it?  And guys hanging in leather stirrups, so anybody who wants can screw them?”

“It’s just board games,” Stacy said.

"But the party you're planning sounds fun, too," Pontius added.  "Can Stace and I get an invitation?"

Vance grinned.  "Well, if it’s perfectly innocent, you won’t mind if I come along.”

“It’s for queer youth and their allies under age 25," Jesse said.  "Now, you’re obviously queer, but you haven't been 25 since...The Battle of Fort Sumter?”


"Besides," Stacy added, "A lot of the kids are traumatized by growing up in homophobic churches.  Some are closeted, worried that their parents will reject them, even kick them out of the house.  It's supposed to a safe space -- no  homophobes allowed."

“I am not a homophobe, young lady, or fella, or whatever you think you are.  I just want to see the kinds of games homo...um, queer youth play.  Or should I call the police and tell them about the underaged homosexual sodomy going on in Kelvin's little den of iniquity?"

Jesse sighed.  He was probably bluffing, but... "Ok, Vance, you talked me into it.  We'll go over and check it out. Boys, you go on ahead.  We'll be there in a bit."

There were only two ways to get into the party: they had to either turn 21 again, or bring food.  Jesse dragged Vance to the kitchen, and they loaded up the two trays of lemon bars that Amber was planning to bring to the Marital Problem Group tomorrow -- he would drop by the all-night bakery and replace them later.  

They had to park on the lawn at Kelvin's house.  There were about a dozen cars parked outside, plus two church vans.  Assuming that they carpooled, Jesse estimated that there were about fifty teenagers and young adults at the party.  Hopefully none of them were kissing!

Kelvin's boyfriend Keefe answered the door with his fists raised.  "Pontius and Stacy told us you would be trying to get in.  But we don't allow homophobes."

"Down, boy!" Vance said with a laugh. "I promise to be on my best behavior."

"We're just dropping off some snacks for the group.  Two dozen lemon bars -- Amber and our housekeeper Tanya made them."

Keefe looked suspicious, but he dropped his fists.  "Well, I do love a good lemon bar. Come on in."


They carried the trays from the foyer into the formal parlor, where about twenty people were sitting in small groups.  Kelvin, leading what sounded like a Gay Trivia game, nodded at them.

"Hey, Buddy," Vance said, "Isn't that your son Geraldine?  The one who wants to be a preacher?"

It was definitely Gideon and his friend Clay, the Classics major -- really, who majored in Latin? -- sitting with their backs to them, playing a "How well do you know your partner" game with two girls, one with pink hair. 

"They must be here as allies.  See, they're with their girlfriends."  Why hadn't Gideon mentioned having a girlfriend?

More after the break. Caution: Explicit

Montgomery Brothers Manscaping: "If you've got a dick, we're on it."

 


Montgomery Brothers Manscaping

For all your manscaping needs

Beards, pits, pecs, pubes

"If you've got a dick, we're on it."


Karl Montgomery is not only an owner, he's a customer.




No job too big or too small.













Need your chest chiseled for the beach?

More after the break

Robert's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: Beefy boyfriend, helicopter penis, and strongman sex



This is a collection of hot or humorous photos of Robert Oberst, a professional strongman who held the American record for the log press.  He starred in two strongman reality programs, and played Cousin Karl in Righteous Gemstones Season 3.

1. "Want to play with my balls?"



2. "So, Eddie, are you big all over?"



3. Well, now you know.

















4. "How do you play the Helicopter Penis game?"

















5. Robert demonstrates







 6. "I don't remember where I left my underwear."

More after the break

Robert Oberst and the World's Strongest Men. Yes, some of them are naked



Robert Oberst, whose motto is "Strong and Pretty," grew up in Aptos, California, graduated from Western Oregon University in 2008 with a degree in history.  He moved to San Francisco, and like most history majors, found work as a bouncer in gay bars.  

But soon he discovered that being huge was good for more than attracting guys: he began competing on the strongman circuit, and racking up awards:

First place, San Francisco Fit Exp, 2012.
Third place, America's Strongest Man, 2012. Second place, 2013 and 2014
Third place, All-Amerca Strong Man Challenge, 2013.
And it goes on like that.  Meanwhile, he sold "Strong and Pretty" products and appeared as himself in two tv series dedicated to the strongest men in the world.


In 2022, after placing in nearly 20 competitions, Robert retired from strength competitions, just in time to break into an acting career.  He stars in Season 3 of The Righteous Gemstones as Chuck Montgomery, one of the backwoods cousins of the mega-rich Judy, Jesse, and Kelvin Gemstone.  



Strongman contests differ from bodybuilding in their emphasis on strength rather than definition, so bulk is fine.  Many strongmen find that a belly is an asset, as we see with Tom Stoltzman, World's Strongest Man in 2021 and 2022.










Bodybuilders are drawn from the elite class, who can afford to spend thousands of dollars on protein supplements and fancy gym equipment.  Strongmen are drawn from the working class, so their feats of strength often involve everyday objects: lifting boulders, logs, and tires; pulling or flipping over cars; tossing beer kegs.  Here Oleg Novikov, the World's Strongest Man in 2020, lifts a barbell made of tires.

Robert Oberst specialized in the log lift: in 2015 he broke the American log lift record of 211 kg -- 465 pounds.



Strength competitions are super-macho, drawing a lot of heterosexual alpha males.  Although Robert likes to hint that he is gay, he has never made a public statement. Besides, I think he might have a wife.

In fact only one professional strongman is out as gay: Rob Kearney, who coincidentally broke Robert Oberst's log-lift record in 2020.




Nude strongman bonus after the break

Kelvin and Keefe, Matchmakers: A Cousin Karl Story



As Kelvin waited for Percy at one of the little blue tables outside the Lost Dog Cafe, he couldn't help flashing back to the first time they met, when Jesse hired him to design the church's executive board room.  Kelvin wasn't out to anyone yet, not even to himself, really, and seeing the flashy, unapologetic, loud-and-proud interior designer was a revelation. Percy became his best friend, and his go-to guy for anything about gay history and culture, from the Stonewall Riots to GLAAD Awards.  But today Kelvin had a different kind of request.  He wasn't sure that a guy who came out at age ten could understand.

They chatted about ordinary things, rated a few bulges, and then Kelvin got down to business. "Percy, I had an ulterior motive in inviting you to lunch today.  Remember my Cousin Karl?  You met him at the wedding reception."

"Big guy, black beard, baby face, smile that lights up the whole state?  Sure, he's hard to miss."

"He came out to Keefe and I last night."  

"Wait -- out as gay? Isn't he over 30?"


"36.  But don't look so surprised.  I was 34 when I figured it out, remember, and Karl has been even more sheltered than me.  He's known for a long time, but he thought it was just him.  He didn't know that 'gay' was a thing until he saw Keefe and I kissing one night."

"He's got a lot of catching up to do."

"Karl wants a boyfriend, but he's so soft and sweet, a little kid, really, that we don't trust him on Grindr, or Gay Christian Mingle .  And you're like the gay expert of South Carolina. You belong to every club, you know everybody, and so..."

"So you want me to play matchmaker?  Sure, glad to do it.  Off the top of my head, I can think of four or five candidates.  Let's start with Brett.  He goes to my gym -- built like a bodybuilder, chest for days! He'll be able to appreciate Karl's muscles."


First Date: The Bodybuilder

 Keefe and Kelvin were sitting on the couch in the parlor, kissing, when Percy and Karl’s date knocked on the door.  The Bodybuilder shook their hands (Kelvin forgot his name almost immediately), and Percy tried to hug them both while balancing a large white box.  "I brought tiramisu for dessert. I hope it fits with the menu.  What are we having?"

"We don't know.  Cousin Karl is cooking, and he won't let anyone in the kitchen."

"Tiramisu fits with anything, though," Keefe said.  "I'll bring it in to him." He took the box from Percy's hands and headed back into the house.

More after the break

A Perfect Southern Gentleman: A Cousin Karl and Percy Romance. Chapter 2: The KOKK House

 

This is the second chapter of  A Perfect Southern Gentleman: A Cousin Karl and Percy Romance

Karl and Percy sat on the love seat in the master bedroom, drinking sparkling grape juice from wine glasses and kissing. Karl was fully aroused, an enormous tent in his pants. Percy resisted the urge to get on his knees -- not yet. He wanted this night to last.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yessir. I think I been ready since the first time I saw you."

They stood and faced each other. Karl started to undress. "No, let me do that," Percy whispered. He carefully unbuttoned his own shirt, revealing his slight but firm chest and belly, Then Karl's shirt. Massive pecs, enormous arms, a mountain-man's belly. 

More after the break

A Perfect Southern Gentleman: A Cousin Karl and Percy Romance. Chapter 1: Keefe's Secret

 


Percy really wasn't paying attention to the movie. Not only had he seen Victor/Victoria like six times, he was too conscious of Karl Montgomery sitting beside him, his massive arm pressed against him, his hand occasionally reaching across Percy's lap to grab some popcorn. It was incredibly exciting, but also comforting. It felt like home.

They only met three weeks ago, when his bff Kelvin Gemstone told him that Cousin Karl had just come out -- at age 43 -- and wanted Percy to play matchmaker. He found three "perfect" matches -- a bodybuilder to match Karl's Strong Man awards, a musician to match the Kentucky bluegrass that he played at the Pour House every Friday night, and a carpenter to match his job in landscaping, But Karl didn't want any of them -- he wanted Percy!

Kelvin sat on his other side, next to his partner Keefe. That was amazing, too -- back when they first met, when Percy was hired to design the new executive board room at the Gemstone Salvation Center,  the poor guy couldn't even acknowledge that he was gay. He pretended that his boyfriend was "just a good buddy"; God forbid that they ever appear together in public. Now, three years later, he was happy to be seen on a double date!

When the movie ended, they strolled through Charleston's French Quarter, past the Lowcountry Art Gallery, The Bakehouse, Sweetgrass Baskets, little gay-owned boutiques and quirky restaurants,  toward their cars in the Queen Street Lot. Heads turned to look at Kelvin, and one guy asked for a selfie-- he was famous, after all, one of the few out gay evangelical ministers in the country.  But maybe they were looking at Karl -- 6'7", 375 pounds, with a long black beard framing a baby face and a smile that could light up the whole state, a macho woodsman holding hands with a skinny, femme interior designer.

"Hey, y'all want to stop at Magnolia's for some pecan pie?" Percy called ahead.

Kelvin turned back. "There's dessert back at the house, if you're up for it. Our housekeeper Martiza made an Albanian walnut-honey cake. What did she call it, Keefe?"

"Shendetlie, I think."

"You know I have a sweet tooth," Percy said. "I'm up for it if Karl is."

"Sounds cool," Karl said. "But...um...Cousin Keefe, can I talk to you?" He rushed ahead and took Keefe's arm. Kelvin hung back.

"How are things going with Karl?" he asked. "What date is this? Your sixth or seventh?"

"If you count ice cream the first night, church twice, the bluegrass concert, game night at your place, and dinner with his Mama, seven.  But I also helped him with Fun Day at the Gemstone Amusement Park, and we've hung out at my apartment -- well, we've been together almost every day."

"But you haven't been intimate yet?"

"Does that surprise you, Kelvin?  Didn't you and Keefe wait like two years?"

"But I didn't even know that I was gay yet. You've been out since age 10."

Percy took Kelvin's arm. "That's part of his charm.  He's a perfect Southern gentleman.  He brings me flowers, and holds the door open for me, and treats me..."

"Like a lady?"

"Well, he doesn't have any role models for gay relationships, except for you guys, and that's exactly how you treat Keefe."

Kelvin laughed.  "Really?  I never noticed." 

"Don't get me wrong --  I would love to see Karl naked. But for some reason I'm not in a hurry. Just sitting on the couch with his arm around me -- I've never felt so warm and safe, and...well, loved."

"I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way about Keefe. The sex is great, but it's seeing him smile that makes my day." He paused. "I thought it would be weird for you and Karl. You're so different."

More after the break.

Lukas Haas: from gay hustler to militia man



Lukas Haas has been a Hollywood icon for over 40 years. He starred in some of the classic films of our childhood, like Witness (1985),  Lady in White (1988), and Mars Attacks! (1995).

Although his main focus has been indie doomed-romance-with-women movies, he has played several gay characters, generally of the angst-ridden, tragic-ending sort.







In Johns (1996), he plays a hustler who falls in love with a coworker (David Arquette) who insists that he's not gay, then is murdered.



In Last Days (2005), based on the last days of singer Kurt Cobain, he has a romantic relationship with Scott Patrick Green.  The Cobain-character dies.

In Meth Head (2013), he takes crystal meth and destroys his life, in spite of his partner's attempts to save him.








In Widows (2018), he has sex with ladies, but at least you get to see his bare butt.






And you can't convince me that Chuck Montgomery in The Righteous Gemstones is straight.  









His friendship with Leonardo DiCaprio has sparked gay rumors, but Lukas has made no public pro- or anti-gay statements.