"How do I know if I'm g...."?: A Young Gideon Story

This story features Gideon Gemstone (Skyler Gisondo) of The Righteous Gemstones as a teenager.  All of the subjects of n*de photos are over 18.

“Hey, Bro,” Pontius called, rushing up to Gideon’s locker at the Riverpointe Christian Academy in Charleston. 

“Hey, yourself.”  Gideon was a bit suspicious: his younger brother rarely talked to him at school.  Sometimes he didn’t even accept a ride home, preferring to call one of the Gemstone drivers to avoid being seen with a “glee club nerd.”  An odd insult, since Gideon didn’t belong to Glee Club.

“Are you staying after for gymnastics?”

“No, that’s on Tuesday and Thursday. Why, what do you need?”

“Well, a ride home.”

“Why – the drivers are both busy, and your pogo stick’s in the shop?”

Pontius smiled, either not noticing the dig at his age, or too invested in whatever he wanted to care.  “And  can we stop for pizza on the way?”

This was really suspicious -- Pontius never invited him to go anywhere.  Maybe the age difference was too great for them to really be friends – Gideon was in eleventh grade, with a girlfriend and college plans, while Pontius in eighth grade still played with toys.  

Maybe they didn’t have much in common – Gideon was into gymnastics and acrobatics (he loved tumbling with Uncle Kelvin at the Gemstone Teen Center), while Pontius was into…well, hanging out with his buds and telling dirty jokes.  Or maybe they just didn’t like each other.  He must want a big favor, Gideon thought.

 They climbed into the Lexus that Granddad Eli gave him for his sixteenth birthday and drove down to Famulari’s, the go-to pizza place for all of the Gemstones, probably because the delivery guys didn’t mind driving ten miles out to the Compound.  The moment they sat down, Pontius said, "Ok, here’s the thing. I want to have a sleepover Friday night, and you have to come."

"No way, José! 16-year olds do not go to slumber parties.”

“You used to like them.”

“Sure, and I used to like Battlebots, too. I grew up.”

From his 10th birthday until last year, when he graduated to the high school building at the Academy, Gideon and Pontius hosted sleepovers at least once a month. They each invited two or three friendss, plus their younger brother Abraham by default. 

They spent the night playing video games, watching tv, eating snacks, and bragging about how late they were staying up.  Then they bedded down in the Kid Guest Room, Pontius and Abraham on the top bunk, Gideon and another boy “on the bottom,” and the rest in sleeping bags.   Gideon always took awhile to choose his bed partner: not necessarily his best friend.  Maybe even one of Pontius’s friends, if he was cute. 

How did I know which boys were cute?  Gideon thought, surprised by the memory.  Why did I care?

"We haven't had one for a long time!" Pontus protested.  "And Mom says I can't have one by myself – you have to be there, too."

The waiter came – a rather chunky, sandy-haired guy from Gideon’s Biblical History class – and they ordered their usual bacon-cheeseburger pizza (sometimes Mom and Dad called for something “healthy,” and they had to scour the menu for healthy toppings.  What kind of pizza topping was healthy?).

“What will my friends say if they find out I went to a sleepover with a bunch of eighth grade dorks?  What will my girlfriend say?”  He and Katie had only been dating for three weeks, but Gideon mentioned her every chance he got. “Katie likes lima beans. Katie’s aunt lives in Belgium.  Katie’s favorite Harry Potter character is…”  

"They won't all be dorks," Pontius said.  "How about if you can invite some of your friends. Whoever you want.”

"As if!  My friends are way too cool for sleepovers!”

"Well, maybe not one of your friends, just guys that you like.  You know, want to spend time with, like the guys that Uncle Kelvin hangs out with”

Gideon felt the anger rising.  “I do not want to spend time with guys like that, Jackass!  Uncle Kelvin is gay, and I have a girlfriend!”

Pontius laughed.  “You dummy, no way is Uncle Kelvin a homo!”

“How do you know?”

“Number One, he’s got muscles.  Number Two: he works with kids…”

“You’re an idiot. Gay guys have muscles sometimes, and they can work with kids like anybody else.”

Pontius sneered. “Number Three, he never brings a little fruity friend to the family dinner….”

“Maybe he’s afraid to bring a boyfriend around. Granddad Eli might kick him out of the church.”

“Number Four: He doesn’t live in California,”  Pontius said with a flourish, as if that was a definitive argument.  “Why do you want Uncle Kelvin to be gay so much?  Are you in love with him?  Do you want to, like, hug and kiss?” 

“Dude, that’s my uncle!” Gideon said, disgusted.

“Ok, so if he wasn’t your uncle, you’d be all into him.”  He made pucker sounds. “Oh, Thweetie, your muscles are so big! Kiss me again!”

“You’d better stop talking trash about me if you want me to come to your darn sleepover.” 

“Ok, ok, sorry…Thweetie.”  He giggled. “Now pick two guys that you want to invite. Somebody you want to spend time with.”

“Someone you want to spend time with” made sense to Gideon.  Maybe a guy who was a little standoffish at  school, or constantly involved with his own clique.  This could be his chance to break through and make a friend.

"Ok, let’s go for it. For my first boy I pick Derek from Gemstone Teen Time.”  A tall, blond 10th grader with a round angelic face.  For some reason he went to public school, not the Academy.  When he got the lead in the drama club production of Oklahoma last fall, Gideon made his Mom and Dad and brothers all go to see him, but they didn’t hang out afterwards. 

"No problemo.  Derek and me are tight."  He paused.  "So...who's the second boy?"

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit

"Happiest Season": Christmas romcom with lesbian couple, pansexual Patrick, Jake's junk, and Candy Cane Lane

Happiest Season, on Hulu, is advertised as "A Holiday romcom about being true to yourself and trying not to ruin Christmas."  The icon shows three heterosexual couples, an unattached woman, and what looks like a lesbian couple, but ten to one they're bickering sisters.  

But the husband on the left is Dan Levy, Patrick on Schitt's Creek, and the hunky Jake McDorman, top photo, is at the top of the cast list, so I'll give it a try.

Opening:  They're a lesbian couple!  The opening consists of watercolor-type pictures of two women, a blond and a brunette, meeting, falling in love, going to a family Christmas, celebrating Halloween and Thanksgiving, exchanging gifts, and moving in together.  They kiss twice, so it's unlikely that viewers will identify them as "just close friends."

Scene 1: A residential neighborhood decked out for Christmas, called Candy Cane Lane.  A tour guide gives its history: it was started by Herb Flack, with his nephew Otis playing Santa Claus "until he was arrested for child endangerment."  A pedophilia joke?   The ladies are taking the tour. 

The rich brunette is named Abby, and the poor blonde is Harper.  Somebody goofed --  Harper absolutely has to be the rich one.  It's impossible to keep their names straight, so I'll call them Rich Brunette and Blondie. 

Uh-oh, Blondie doesn't like Christmas, a major crime in these movies, and in real life during the month of December. Rush her to a re-education center, stat!  Brunette argues that it's impossible to not love Christmas -- I've heard that argument a lot -- but Blondie stands firm.

Next Brunette drags Blondie to a house that's not on the tour and up to the roof, so they can look down on the lights.  "Now you love it, right?"  Sure, trespassing makes any holiday more festive.

They complain about being separated for the holidays, kiss and...uh-oh, the homeowner hears them.  They slide off the roof, destroying an inflatable snowman, and run away.  The homeowner is a Santa Claus dominatrix and her reindeer-costume sub, har har.

Brunette has an idea: why not come to her parents' house for the holidays?  Wait -- the water-color intro already showed them with the parents at Christmas.  Blondie agrees.  They kiss for like five minutes. 

What happened to Herb Flack and Otis?  You can't name characters and then have them not appear.  We don't even see Candy Cane Lane again.

Scene 2:  The ladies' elegant brick house in downtown Pittsburgh.  Blondie works as a pet sitter?  Girlfriend must be an heiress. An old-fashioned phonograph playing a new song, "Jingle Bells" by Bayli, as Blondie says "We need to talk."  Uh-oh.  

It's nothing bad.  She just wanted to say that she got a substitute pet-sitter, John, so she can go.  Um...the first rule of fiction, even in frothy gay-positive fiction: there has to be conflict.

Cut to a coffee shop, where Blondie is giving John (Dan Levy) pet-sitting instructions.  Wait -- in the intro, he's celebrating Christmas  with the ladies and the parents.  I thought he was the Brunette's brother-in-law, married to the scary-looking sister.   

John is distracted because he left last night's hookup alone in the apartment, so he has to keep tracking him to make sure he leaves.  

Takeaway: he tracks all of his friends.  This will become important later.

In other news, Blondie is planning to ask Brunette to marry her.  John is against it: they're a perfect couple right now, so why spoil things with an archaic assimilationist ritual, trapping her girlfriend in "the iron box of heteronormativity"?

Also: she wants to ask Brunette's dad for his blessing first. You've been reading too many Jane Austen novels, girlfriend.

Scene 3:  Establishing shots of their trek out of the city into the deep, dark wilderness.  You know Pittsburgh is just an hour's drive from West Virginia, right?

Big reveal: When Brunette said that she was out to her parents, she was lying.  They think she is straight, and Blondie is her "roommate."  So, you're about 30, you haven't mentioned a guy in 15 years, and you're  living with a woman. Girl, they know.

And they can't come out now, because Dad is running for mayor, and he's trying to impress this important, homophobic doner.  Sounds like the plot of La Cage aux Folles.

Besides, he has made it very clear over the years that he will only love his children if they are perfect, and being gay is by definition imperfect, so she has a fake boyfriend played by Jake McDorman (butt left).

When they arrive, it turns out that there are three sisters and a scheming ex-girlfriend, all with long black hair, so I can't tell them apart.  But apparently they all have imperfections that they're keeping secret so Dad won't stop loving them:

Eldest sister and her husband are separated and divorcing, but pretending to be together.  The husband is played by Burl Mosely, seen here on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, where he sings "Don't Be a Lawyer."

Brunette is an imperfect lesbian.

Youngest daughter is writing a Harry Potter-like young adult fantasy novel in secret. 

 Pop Quiz: What happens next?

1. T/F: Brunette dumps Blondie for her ex-boyfriend.

2. T/F: John agrees with Brunette's decision to stay in the closet.

3. T/F: John gets a romantic partner

4. T/F: There are several other LGBT characters.

5.T/F: When Brunette comes out, her parents are fine with it.

Answers and Jake's dick after the break.  Caution: explicit.

"You're the Worst," Episode 5.6: Is Jimmy hooking up with his buddy? Is Rapper Sam still bi? Is Dax a gay porn star?

 

Recently American comedies have been breaking the longstanding rule that sitcom characters have to be nice, the sort of people you'd want to invite into your home in real life.  Of course, the British have been doing it for years, but in the U.S. it's so uncommon that it still comes as a jolt to see someone who isn't very likeable in a sitcom.

You're the Worst, on Hulu, warns you in advance. Jimmy and Gretchen (Chris Geere, Aya Cash) are horrible, amoral people who dislike each other (well, except in the bedroom) and pursue a five-season long romance culminating in a series-finale wedding.  The B-plots usually involve the marital squabbles of another amoral couple who dislike each other, Edgar and Lindsay (Desmin Borges, Kether Donohue).  

I already reviewed an episode where rapper Sam Dresden  gets cancelled for using the f*-word, but turns out to be ok with gay men -- they're good at sucking.  To see if he is still bisexual or straight-but-open-to-oral interests, I reviewed Episode 5.6,  "This Brief Fermata."  According to the Google AI, "A fermata is a musical symbol indicating that a note should be held longer than its normal duration."

Scene 1: Jimmy and Gretchen are planning the table seating for their wedding reception, but Paul, Allan McLeod, is too boring to be placed.  They deserve a break from the drudgery of planning the wedding.  Jimmy suggests Fuck Week, a week where they can have sex with whoever they want.  He is surprised that Gretchen is so quick to agree.  

Scene 2: Monday.  At her job at the public relations firm, Gretchen checks out the hunk bulges and butts.  Assistant Lindsay notes a problem with Rapper Sam, Brandon Mychal Smith: his new track is bad, "Vietnam bad."  

But Gretchen doesn't care: it's Fuck Week, so she and Lindsay can go "day dicking" like they used to, at the Museum of Tolerance and Barney's Beanery -- wait, the notorious "Fagots keep out" joint?

First she has to sign up the new guy, Nok Nok -- Lou Taylor Pucci, top photo.  She figures he's so spaced-out, he'll be easy to snare, but he wants to hear the full pitch -- "Strategy, targets, concept art."  Uh-oh, she'll have to do work instead of getting dick.

Scene 3: Tuesday: Gretchen and Jimmy eat Chinese food while watching Nok Nok's videos and trying to come up with a pitch.  Jimmy has lipstick on his collar -- he's already successfully gotten laid.  Wait -- Buddy Edgar brings him a drink and gazes lustfully, but Jimmy shakes his head. Did they have sex, or is Edgar offering?

Cut to Wednesday: Gretchen revealing her pitch to Nok Nok.  He doesn't like it: how about a hard-scrabble life?  He was on the street at age 15, and he's a single dad?  

Assistant Lindsay went out dicking yesterday, and she, too successfully got laid. By the way, Rapper Sam is angry because his new, terrible track hasn't seen any radio play yet.  But screw it: Gretchen is going to forget about work and get some dick.

Scene 4: Thursday.  Jimmy comes in with a hickey, having gotten laid again. Another lustful gaze from Buddy Edgar.  Are they going at it?  Gretchen is still working. 

More after the break. Caution: Explicit

Simon Rex: From gay-ish porn to homophobic comedy to gay necrophilia to Bupkis

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Dan Cudmore: Colossus, Felix, fitness model, and the God of War. Plus his colossal Colossus cock

Canadian actor Dan Cudmore has 51 credits on the IMDB, including Peter Rasputin, aka Colossus, in the X-Men franchise, Felix in the Twilight franchise, Jackhammer in Arrow, Gridlock in The Flash, and Behemoth Thing in Superman & Lois.

He specializes in superheroes and supervillains like Colossus, but he's done other projects.  I first saw him in Magicians, as the God of War.  Apprised that a gay-stereotype god called the Nameless is looking for something the other gods stole from him, he responds "I don't know what it is, but you have my permission to search my ball sack with your tongue."  Sure, that sounds fun, I'd be happy to....oh, wait, you're being homophobic.

I know he's just playing a character, but still, the homophobic quip left a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak.

His other projects include comedies like Fresh Off the Boat, romcoms like All of My Heart (as the romantic lead's friend who devotes his life to getting him laid), and horror like Rites of Passage, which appears to have a gay subtext -- not his. 

Also 14 stunt credits including Psych, The Predator, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

He played a stunt cock at least once.

Some fitness modeling from early in his career

More Daniel after the break

Workaholics, Episode 6.1: Blake is gay in this one, but don't worry, Adam still likes dicks. With bonus Dane cock...I mean Cook

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Good Trouble: the Foster girls move to Los Angeles, get horrible jobs, and compete over a bi boy. With a lot of naked guys

 Good Trouble popped up on my recommendations from Hulu under the Pride Collection.  The icon shows two girls, so they must be a lesbian couple.  Maybe there are gay characters, too.

Scene 1: Two girls, who name themselves Mariana and Callie, squeal as they drive a U-Haul on an empty highway to L.A.  I can't tell who has which name, so I'll call them Long Hair and Short Hair.  One has just graduated from law school and found a job as a clerk for a federal judge, and the other, just graduated from college, has found a job as a software engineer. 

Scene 2: With those salaries, they could rent a condo in West Hollywood, but instead they're moving into a hippie commune at the Palace Theater downtown.  The manager gives them a tour: 

Communal bathroom, with a naked lady and a guy who doesn't wash his hands after using the urinal. Manager complains that everyone over-wipes. 

Kitchen, where a lady complains that everyone steals her stuff from the refrigerator.  

Lounge, where someone named Dennis is rehearsing a play about stealing books.

Dennis is played by Josh Pence, left, and below.

Their horrible bedroom, with sagging plaster, unfinished walls, and opaque windows. They can use the communal bathroom, or they can buy a chamber pot, but don't poop in it, because the rats will eat it.  I'm never going to get that image out of my head. Girls, just rent a decent apartment.

Scene 3: The girls complain, but they have no choice: they can only afford $1600 per month.  Ok, that might be a problem.  My old apartment in West Hollywood is now running at $3000.

Scene 4: Uh-oh, their U-Haul has been broken into, and everything was stolen!  How long were you looking at the horrible commune before coming down to unload?

They go to a bar to drink tequila. Short Hair notes that the male bartender is hot.  "Really?" Long Hair asks, annoyed.  "When was the last time you got laid?"  Wait -- I thought they were a lesbian couple. Why is this included in the Pride Collection?  Is there a gay minor character?

Scene 5: They have no clothes for work tomorrow, so they head to an all-night discount store for a montage of trying on clothes, playing with dolls, squealing,  and hugging. Then sleeping on separate mattresses, waking up late the next morning, and rushing out.  Hang on -- you planned to move into your new place the day before your first day at work?  What if you were delayed on the road?

On the way out, Short Hair gets a cliched jaw-dropping love-at-first-sight moment as the Boy of Her Dreams walks toward her in slow motion.  I don't see the attraction -- he's disheveled, shabbily dressed, hair askew, looking like how Hollywood portrays meth heads.  Long Hair knows him already, from when he interviewed at the software company.  Wait -- she hasn't gone to work yet, she doesn't work in human resources, and, and....what the heck is going on?  Anyhow, the takeaway of the scene is that they're sisters, both into the hunky Meth Head, and likely to sabogate each other's attempts to snare him.  . 

Or not.  I can't find him in the cast list.

Googling Callie and Medina, I discovered that they are from The Fosters, a soap opera about a lesbian couple raising a lot of foster and adopted kids. So that's the gay connection?    

The Fosters was a soap opera, so Good Trouble will probably have a lot of tragedy and angst. 

Scene 6:  That night, while mooning over Meth Head, Short Hair walks up to the balcony swimming pool ...in a seedy, decrepit falling-apart movie theater where they can't even afford to plaster the walls?  None of this makes any sense.  Just go with it.  

A hunk takes off his shirt and dives in. Beefcake alert: we see him underwater, swimming laps.  He notices Short Hair and introduces himself as Gael, played by Tommy Martinez, top photo and left.

Whoa, a sudden shot of Short Hair as a victim of a violent sexual assault.  Or maybe extremely energetic consensual sex -- on tv with no context they look identical.  According to the fan wiki, when Callie was living in the foster home before the Fosters, she reported that a guy named Liam raped her, but her previous set of foster parents didn't believe her and kicked her out of the house.  She must be getting a post-traumatic flashback.

They discuss their dreams and goals, smoke pot, and examine Gael's art. He does terrible sculpting in clay -- and invites her to caress the very phallic end of his piece called "Stasis." Short Hair notes that she wanted to study art, but couldn't hack it and tried law as a back-up. 

They feel more art, and the camera repeatedly zooms in on Short Hair's bare shoulder -- I wonder if she suffered an injury there during her rape on The Fosters. Then they kiss.

More Foster girls after the break.  And a few guys.

The Family Responds to Keefe's Fire Dance

During Cousins' Night (Righteous Gemstones Episode 3.3.), Kelvin's boyfriend Keefe, a former Satanist, performs a highly erotic fire dance for the family.  Their reactions:

Jesse: "I am not turned on, I am not turned on, I am not..."

Chuck: "So this is what my brother does in the bedroon?"

Karl:  I wish I had a guy to do that with in the bedroom.

More after the break

"Reefer Madness,": Marijuana hysteria, demonic bulges, a dinner date with Satan, and Christian Campbell's cock

 

I've shown many classes the 1936 film Reefer Madness.  It was originally released as Tell Your Children, a cautionary tale about the dangers of marijuana.

There's a strong gay subtext: drug dealer Ralph (Dave O'Brien) sees high schooler Jimmy (Warren McCollum), murmurs "Nice!", and practically licks his lips in anticipation.  

Wrangling an introduction, he says "Nice to meet youuuuuu!" with a lascivious leer, then invites Jimmy to the soda shop, where he will try to get him hooked on the psychosis-inducing weed in a parallel to how gay men were accused of recruiting boys.

After Jimmy is tricked into taking a puff of "the evil weed," he is plagued by instant addiction, psychotic rambling, uncontrollable sexual desire (the most horrifying to audiences of the day ), drunk driving, and finally murder.  It seems laughably sensationalistic today, but in fact Harry J. Anslinger, the commissioner of the Federal Bureau of Narcotics from 1930 to 1963, devoted his entire career to feeding the flames of the panic.  As late as the 1950s, marijuana was considered more dangerous than heroin. 

The movie was placed on the exploitation circuit, officially meant to educate viewers about the "dangers" of the practice, but really drawing crowds interested in gawking at the degradation. In the 1970s it was discovered by the hippie art-house crowd, who would watch while high for an ironic twist.  

In 1998, Reefer Madness: The Musical appeared off-Broadway, eliminating the redundant characters and upping the camp.  Christian Campbell (left) played Jimmy, lured from his "wholesome" heterosexual chastity by drug dealer Jack (Robert Torti, top photo) and cohort Ralph (John Kassir).  

In addition to the gay subtext, there was a lot of beefcake, with the super-muscular Jimmy stripped down to his underwear and a chorus of semi-nude male and female devils.

Film beefcake, bulges, and frontals after the break

Players: Romcom with a sports writer who ends up with who you expect, plus a bi guy who hooks up off-camera and some butts

 

Brock O'Hurn is starring in a new movie on Netflix, Players: a female sports writer named Mack has a foolproof plan for hooking up with guys, but then she falls in love with a hookup.  Do straight women really have trouble finding guys to have sex with?  Aren't they, like, hit on constantly?

Her best buddy is played by Damon Wayons, who I thought was homophobic due to the shockingly hateful In Living Color (Remember "Men on Film"?).  In 2019 he apologized for some homophobic tweets from 2011 to 2016: "I was unaware of the emotional impact they would have."  He is currently the executive producer of Glamorous, which stars a nonbinary or femme gay guy, so we'll check....

No wikipedia plot synopsis, no LGBTQ representation in the trailer. Grr -- I hate these Netflix one-word titles!  They make it impossible to research.  No way to tell if there are any minor "sassy work friend" gay characters, except by watching.

Scene 1: At a bar, Bran (Augustus Prew) and his crew discuss strategies for getting him into the pants of his target: pretend to be drunk and spill a drink on her?  Steal her scarf and pretend that you found it?   They decide on Fiji Fantasy: Bran and his "girlfriend," Mack, argue and break up in front of the target.  The girlfriend is careful to emphasize that it's not about the sex: he is incredibly fantastic at that; she just feels inferior because he's so rich and has been with so many attractive women. 

Their buds Adam and Little (Damon, Joel Courtney) watch in adoration: "This is a master class."  I think it's a little heavy-handed.  Unless she's a complete nitwit, the target will catch on that it's a hookup scam.

Scene 2:  She's a nitwit.  While Bran is off sexing her, the others walk home.  Adam wonders what will happen when the target finds out he's not rich.  "Are you new here?  After the sexing, he'll never see her again."  

Uh-oh, Bran calls: he "bucknerded" it by forgetting the name of his "girlfriend."  Why not use the same name every time? 

 But it doesn't matter, because hes's moving on to a new target; the guy by the white owl back at the bar.

A guy?  The buds approve  "Been awhile -- I like your style."  Mack suggests "Run Time Step."  Little, who happens to be Bran's baby brother, offers to help.

We don't see the play.Why do we see the girl target but not the guy target?  Afraid the audience will be offended by a gay hookup?  

Instead, we continue to focus on Adam and Mack.  They discuss their problems working for a newspaper, a "dying medium," Mack's new feature on memorable local sports, and "we're perfect for each other but don't want to admit it"."  The background song: "What cha waiting for?  Your prayers have already been answered!"  

Left: Joel Courtney's butt.

More romance after the break

Accident Man: Hitman's Holiday: The hitman gets a boyfriend, not a girlfriend! With two dick pics but no kiss

 

Almost all movies in general, and 100% of action-adventure movies with male leads, feature a heterosexual romance.  It's as if the car chases and ninja fights are just there to distract the teenage boys in the audience while they are being brainwashed with "girls are the meaning of life!"  So when the trailer of Accident Man: Hitman's Holiday showed not a single boy-girl kiss, I knew I had to investigate.

Scene 1: After what happened in London, hitman Mike needs a place to cool off, so he settles in Malta: "the sun always shines, the beer flows freely, and the Middle East, Europe, and North Africa are just a puddle-jump away."  He didn't mention girls!  He didn't mention girls! In 100% of these movies, they tell us that the third thing is "hot girls," but he didn't!   

Scene 2: He returns to his palatial apartment, grabs a beer, and is attacked by a ninja lady.  They fight for quite a long time, destroying his stuff.  Finally he calls a time-out: "You're paid to smash me up, not the apartment."  "Well, say the safe word sooner." If she is his girlfriend, I'm leaving.  Sometimes they trick you by leaving the kisses out of the trailer, but sneaking in a hetero-romance anyway.  

Mike explains: she's the best martial artist in the world.  He saw her working as a waitress ia dive bar., beating up rowdy types, and offered her a job breaking in at random times to beat him up.  No sex scene! 

Scene 3:  Mike muses that he deserves a beating after he what he did to his mates back in England. He deserves to be alone: "no one to let me down or get in my way."

That night, he runs into his friend Fred, who specializes in retrofitting household objects to kill, setting some toughs on fire.  See, he's in love with a girl he met online.  After he sent her 50 grand, she vanished.  But one of his associates spotted her at a bar in Malta, so here he is.

Scene 4: Mike invites Fred back to his place to hide from the cops.  He tries to explain about internet scams.

Scene 5: Mike goes to work on his next job: an old guy who never leaves his apartment.  But he does go out onto his balcony to water his flowers, so.... a bouncing head, and Mike inviting Fred to stay on as his assistant: "there are a lot of people who need killing in this corner of the world."

Montage of the guys playing pool, sleeping in separate rooms, working on a job, and laughing, with the background song telling us: "It's a romance, it's a fine bromance/ It's a beautiful thing, it's a real cool thing/ Buddies won't let you down."

Mike: "For the first time in a long time, if you saw my face, you might actually think I was happy."

Scene 6: The next job involves Fred pretending to be a woman and offering the target a blow job, so he can get into position for the hit.  Wait -- Mike kills him before Fred even gets his cock out of his pants!  "Dang it, Mike, you cut up on a bit of fun!!  He was a good kisser, though."  Maybe Mike will let you suck him, to make up for it.

Scene 7: The guys move into a new headquarters, with space to experiment with new killing techniques. 

Cut to Ninja Lady attacking.  Fred complains that they would get more work done if Mike didn't have to get beat up after every job.  "Couldn't you just crank one out?" Nope, masturbation doesn't alleviate the guilt.  If killing people makes you feel guilty, maybe you chose the wrong carer path. 

Ninja Lady offers to help Fred look for his missing girlfriend, and Mike gets all jealous. "It's a scam, I'm telling you.  Forget about her."

Scene 8: Next job: Fred calls the target on the telephone, so he'll be in the right position for the ceiling to collapse, and the bath tub from the apartment above him to crush him.  His m.o. is making the hits look like accidents!

Scene 9: Uh-oh, the guys are kidnapped by Armando.  Mike insults him, and gets beat up.  Armando: "We made you and your knickyknacky (boyfriend) very wealthy! Show some respect!" Then the big boss, Mrs. Zuuzer, The Wrath of Hades, introduces them to her son Dante:  He was educated in the best schools, but he still turned into a "pathetic drug addled delinquent mess."  

Last week someone tried to kill him, using Mike's m.o. of colorful, weird "accidents."  The guys have an alibi: they were out celebrating Mike's birthday.

Ok, so she wants to Mike find whoever put the contract out, and kill them.  Mike offers to take the job for three times the usual rate, but she has a better idea: if you fail, we'll kill your boyfriend. Saving a boyfriend, not a girlfriend?  I'm in.

More gay subtexts after the break

Sylvester Stallone: Nude photos of Rocky, Rambo, Estelle Getty's son, Kurt Russel's boyfriend, and the Italian Stallion

 As Rocky and Rambo, Sylvester Stallone defined the gung-ho cowboy 1980s, singlehandedly defeating the Russian army and winning the Vietnam War.  

His grunting, snarling man-mountains didn't have a lot of sex scenes, but they did manage to get stripped out of their clothes by various cops, prison guards, and torturers.  Here Rambo is fumigated in prison in First Blood (1982).

Tortured in a loincloth in Rambo: First Blood, Part II (1985)

During the 1990s and 2000s, Stallone often got naked while playing grunting man-mountains or parodies of them, as in the cop buddy gay-subtext Tango and Cash (1989).  The guy on the left is his gay-subtext buddy, Kurt Russell.

Or Stop, or My Mom will Shoot (1992), with Estelle Getty as the Mom.  Imagine, Rambo and Dorothy of The Golden Girls as siblings.

But to see the Full Monte, we have to go back to 1970.  

Stallone dick after the break. Warning: it gets explicit.