"Dad Can't Know That I'm Gay": An Abraham Gemstone Adventure, with Ash, some twink d*cks, and a special appearance by Pontius and Stacy

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Austin Lindsay: The casually naked roommate on "Overcompensating" has a BFA and a lot of depressing shorts. With bonus nude fratboys

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Overcompensating: Gay college boy wants a hetero bang to prove his worth. With no plot twists but a lot of cute guys.

Ready for another eight-episode autobiographical comedy about the young adult years of a queer comedian?  Ok, let's look at Overcompensating (2025), on Amazon Prime. Episode 1, "Lucky"

Prelude: The preteen Benny pauses and gawks at Brendan Fraser's underwear scene in George of the Jungle (1997, but he's watching a DVD later).  His sleepover friends don't like it, so he pretends that he doesn't either, and switches to Britney Spears singing "Lucky."  A hot lady!  They're all thrilled!

Scene 1: The college freshman Benny, who looks way too old for 18, awakens to athletic trophies and his Mom calling him "My perfect boy."  She means heterosexual, har har.    He climbs out of bed (nice beefcake), announces "I'm Benny, and I love pussy," does push-ups.  Benito Skinner was born in 1993, so this must be around 2011.  

Flashback: football game, prom king, and kissing his boyfriend (Lukas Gage, left who played gay guys in Companion, Dead Boy Detectives, Love Victor, Euphoria, and...well, everything)

Dad (Kyle McLachlan, who played a gay guy in Girls) bursts in wanting to toss a football around. 

Scene 2: Establishing shot of Yates College, no doubt a combination of Yale and Bates, but actually filmed at the University of Toronto.  The show is inspired by Benito's years at Georgetown University.  

Mom and Dad drop Benny off at the same moment that Carmen's parents drop her off. (Carmen is played by queer comedian, Wally Baram).  Her boyfriend  texts: "Sorry about last night. Fell asleep."  She meets giggly, vivacious blond Roommate, who enlists a random hot dad to help them carry their new vanity up to their room. Flirting with men to get what you want?  Carmen is shocked!

Scene 3: Still saying goodbye.  Benny's sister Grace appears with her boyfriend Peter (Adam DiMarco), who does that annoying faux-punch greeting and brags about his summer internship at Hawksworth Financial.  Big deal, I was an intern at Concordia Publishing House.  Grace is upset that Benny will be at the same college, and majoring in business.  He has absolutely no interest in business (secret: no one does.  You major in it to make money.)

"Dad forced me!"

"Only because you never make a choice of your own!"

Cut to Mom in Bennny's dorm room, complaining that she didn't meet his roommate. "He rows crew, so he has crazy hours."  Um...the semester hasn't started yet.  

Hug, hug, whimper, out.  My parents just dropped me off on the curb and said "Bye! See you at Thanksgiving! Or maybe Christmas.  Or...well, we'll call you."

The moment she leaves, Benny grabs his backpack and hustles out of there!  

He passes the table for the LGBT student organization, and stares longingly at the swishy leader (Owen Thiele), but is drawn away by the football of the jock Gabe (Corteon Moore, left, Ellis on From). 

Gabe and his buds note that they are on the football team, and therefore excused from attending all classes permanently.

A girl asks him to take a photo, and the guys howl and congratulate him.  "A hot chick has agreed to have s*x with you!"  Dude, why are you still closeted?  You're at an Ivy League college in 2011!  They have a gay group!  When I was in college, you would be expelled if they found out you were gay. 

He continues to stare longingly at the gay group.  The guys smile and wave, and offer him a free condom. The jocks say that it's ok to take a condom from the gays, since he'll need it for s*x with the hot chick tonight.

Head Gay Owen gives him directions to Freshman Orientation.  Darn, I thought he bolted out for some interesting reason, like that wasn't really his dorm room.  He didn't get the housing deposit in on time, so he'll have to sleep in the library...nope, he was just late.

Scene 4: Benny arrives at Freshman Orientation, ten people cross-legged on the ground, and sits next to Carmen from Scene 2.  Others include Chris (Elias Azimi) and Dean (Charlie Henry Larsen), with the goofy Kevin (Tommy Do) as moderator, almog with the bubbly Courtney and the dour Michelle. 

Whoa, here comes the Boy of His Dreams, walking in slow motion across the quad.  Dream Boy Miles is played by Rish Shah, who played a gay guy in "Torch Song Trilogy" but a straight guy in "Ms. Marvel".

"In college you can be whoever you want to be, so everybody tell the person next to you who you want to be."

Instead, Benny and Carmen give their back stories.  "I'm from Idaho."

"Idaho?  Does anyone actually live in Idaho?"  Bigot.  "Do they have, like, movie theaters? How many of your cousins have you hooked up with?"  That's Kentucky.

But she invites him to a pregame in her dorm room: "A night we won't remember with friends we won't. forgive."

More after the break

Aidan Merwarth: Finn's wannabe boyfriend, pencil factory exec, juvenile delinquent, brat, with 3 d*cks and inconclusive social media

In Season 2 of Unprisoned, gay-coded Finn (Faly Rakotohavana) and his family go to group therapy. Mom complains  that he spends all day online, not interacting with anyone in real life, so he'll never "fall in love, get married, and have a nice life."  I'm not getting into the assumption that you have to be married to have a nice life.  The therapist assigns Finn to "make a friend," presumably a friend that he could fall in love with.

He invites Spencer (Aidan Merwarth), to his room but doesn't want to play video games or watch tv or anything.  Dude, if you're not going to make out with him, at least give him something to do.

Spencer plays with his phone for awhile, gets bored, calls Finn a "baby" (you wanted a real man?), and leaves.  He re-appears at the college fair to taunt Finn again. Well, can you blame him?  Dude thought he was going to get at least some smooching, and maybe some beneath-the-belt action.

Finn remains gay-vague, his sexual identity unconfirmed through two seasons.  

I wanted to know about this guy who is playing a gay subtext or maybe gay-text teenager.

He was born in July 2002, so as of this writing he's 22 years old. He's from San Antonio, and homeschooled, which means either he's a fundamentalist Christian, or he goes on so many auditions that he has no time for school. 

 

He has 133 friends on Facebook.  

He's an acrobatic gymnast.  In 2015, at the International Acro Cup in Poland. Aidan and his sister Devon won second place in the mixed pair 11-16 age range

He attended the Los Angeles Film School, graduating with a B.S. in Animation in 2025.

He has eight acting credits on the IMDB.

A Girl Named Jo (2019). on Brat TV, features two girls trying to unravel a mystery at Attaway High School in 1963.  Aidan appears in four episodes as Felix, apparently Jo's boyfriend.

Another Brat TV series, Crazy Fast (2019), has a group of outsiders join the track team at Attaway High. Colin McCalla (left) stars.  Aidan plays Eamon, a runner "whose past with Rowan threatens everything."

Another straight guy, darn it.

The Forgotten Place is a short about Eric (Jeff Locker), who wants a friend.  He finds one (Brian Flaccus), but apparently he means a platonic friendship.

In Saving Paradise (2021), a "ruthless corporate executive" (William Moseley) has to return to his small town when he inherits his father's struggling pencil factory. At Christmastime.  He has to save it and win The Girl (named Charlie, just to fool you into thinking there's a gay romance).

So Paradise is a pencil factory?  I guess it beats saving the annual Christmas festival.  Aidan plays the  rutless corporate executive as a teenager, already in love with The Girl.

But a pencil factory?  When was the last time you used a pencil?  Or saw one?

More after the break

Big Boys: A gay university freshman tries to make friends, get laid, and find his tribe. With a lot of Dylan d*cks

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Noah Galvin: 7 gay characters, a husband, a Pride cake, lots of dick pics, and guys still think he's straight?

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Gemstones Episode 1.9: Jesse is racist, Judy is a rapist, and Kelvin is the Devil. With a Haitian dick bonus.

Previous: Episode 1.8: Kelvin's testicles, Chad's testicles, Jesse's butt, and ancient Philistine penises

Episode 1.8 ended with all of the Gemstone siblings and their partners broken up, plus Gideon cast out from the family.  It's going to take a lot of work to make things right again.  

Title: "Better is the end of the thing than the beginning." Ecclesiastes 7:9.  Not things being over: at the beginning of the task, there are many problems ahead, many ways that things could go wrong, a lot of pain and sadness.  At the end, you can relax and enjoy the results of your hard work.

Chicken bone voodoo:  After a flashback to Aimee-Leigh's death (and a bee that will re-appear later in the episode),we cut to Eli finding about about the blackmail, Jesse's assault of Rev. Seasons, and Judy's embezzlement. Kelvin stood by and let them do things that he knew were wrong, so he's just as guilty. Eli angrily fires them all. 

Later, Amber tells Jesse that if he wants to reconcile, he'll have to go to Haiti, where Gideon is doing missionary work, and bring him back. Their conversation is surprisingly racist, referencing chicken bone voodoo, AIDS, and cannibalism. (Left: Port au Prince)

Judy's frst boyfriend: Judy meets with BJ "at a neutral location," the Outback Steakhouse, to give back the stuff he left when he moved out. She admits that she hasn't really "gobbled 1,000 cocks"; it was a lie to impress him. Notice that she is taking a masculine role: usually straight men brag about how many partners they've had, while women and gay men are slut-shamed.  

Judy continues with a monologue about her only previous boyfriend, actually her economics professor in college: she misinterpreted his casual conversation,  sexually assaulted him in his office, then kidnapped his son. BJ is mostly shocked that she never had vaginal sex before, so he "took her virginity."

Judy and Kelvin's relationships run parallel.  Since Judy had no sexual experiences prior to BJ, can we conclude that Kelvin was out there "gobbling 1,000 cocks" before Keefe introduced him to the idea of a loving gay relationship?

Jesus never dated much: Sibling movie night at Kelvin's house ((notice the K and the arcade game behind their couch).  They're watching The Neverending Story., at the scene where Artax  horse/companion of the hero Atreyu, is literally consumed by his sadness, sinking to his death.  Atreyu yells: "Fight against the sadness. You have to try. You have to care. You're my friend.  I love you."  Suddenly Kelvin bursts into tears (Top photo: star Noah Hathaway, no doubt one of the teen idols of Kelvin's youth).  

In the movie, the Childlike Empress is sick, thus allowing the Darkness (hopelessmess, despair) to slowly devour the Kingdom of Fantasia.  Young hero Atreyu is looking for a cure to save Fantasia, but he is unable to save his horse/friend Artax.  Maybe Kelvin is thinking of how he couldn't save Keefe from his own Sadness:  "My emotions are all over the place. I feel like I'm coming unhinged." The siblings ignore him, so he repeats: I'm in emotional turmoil, dealing with some very painful questions about myself."  

"For real?"  Jesse immediately becomes serious.  Remember, he thinks that Kelvin is gay, but in denial.  Is he ready to come out?

Nope.  "I've always felt like, maybe, I'm Him."  He's always felt like he is Jesus? Say what?  Dude, that's full-blown psychosis.

Actually, many cult leaders claim to be Jesus.  Wikipedia lists 40 in the 20th and 21st centuries alone, including Jim Jones, Marshall Applewhite, Charles Manson, Shoko Asahara, David Koresh.  It doesn't usually end well.

Kevin's reasons: we both care about people; people like us, and want to follow us. Wait -- you just have one follower, Keefe, and he's not worshipping you.  He gets on his knees for another reason entirely.  

Plus: "(Jesus) didn't date much, didn't have the urge or the need to.  That's me for days."  Fans sometimes use this line to argue that Kelvin is asexual, not experiencing desire for anyone, but in a heteronormative society, surely he means "urge or need to date women."  I'm sticking with the theory that Kelvin was out there breaking his celibacy promise, shoving his cock through the glory holes at Club Sinister every night, and feeling guilty about it the next morning.  

Jesse, aware of another reason for Kelvin's lack of interest in women, assures him that he's not Jesus, but "that doesn't mean you're not a decent man."  Notice that he uses the term "man," signifying that Kelvin is grown-up, an adult, regardless of his sexual identity.

But Kelvin doesn't buy it.  Another voice is telling him, "If you can't be him, maybe you can be me...Satan."  We know from the Satanic Sweep and the Club Sinister rescue that, in Kelvin's eyes, Satan is all about sex, or sex is all about Satan.  The only way he can explain his homoerotic desire, and maybe his homoerotic intimacy, is by fashioning himself "the Dark Lord of the family."  After all of this, how did fans continue to argue that Kelvin was straight?

He's very tired -- he hasn't been sleeping well lately. Because he usually shares his bed with Keefe?  And he misses Mama, who used to tell him that everything's gonna be ok.  She's gone, so Jesse and Judy step up: "Everything's gonna be ok.  You'll get it figured out."  It's not hard to figure out, Dude.  Lots of people are gay.

Haitian dick bonus after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.8: Kelvin's testicles, Jesse's butt, and ancient Philistine penises. WIth testicular bonus

Previous: Episode 1.7, continued: Bisexual fish, Thai brothers, and Scotty with a broken heart.

In the last episode, Scotty kidnapped Gideon and Jesse, forced them to open the church vault, and stole the Easter offering money, incidentally confessing that he had been in love with Gideon.  Judy and BJ had a breakup scene, but Kelvin and Keefe barely appeared.  In Episode 1.8,, their romance is centric. 

Title: "But the righteous will see their fall." Proverbs 26:19: "When the wicked are multiplied, transgression increases; But the righteous will see their fall"

An Old Man's Dick:  It's still Easter evening.  After dropping off Judy at her house, Baby Billy asks Tiffany "Who wants to suck an old man's dick?" She goes down on him while they are driving down dark country roads near the estate.  Suddenly Scotty, driving away with the money he stole, runs a stop sign and crashes into their car!   They are unharmed, but Scotty is near death (Tiffany finishes the job by accidentally shooting him).  Then they steal the money.  An interesting call-back here: earlier Scotty implies that he forced Gideon into oral sex, and he dies while interrupting consensual oral sex, an ironic punishment of the sort you would see in 1950s horror comics. 

Top five young ministers:  Gideon admits to being Scotty's partner in the offering-theft plan, and is rejected by Eli and Amber.  But he doesn't mention his part in the blackmail plan!  We cut to Jesse telling his siblings that they are in the clear. But how do they know he won't tell later, and implicate them in the assault?   Worried that he'll be arrested, Kelvin is having anxiety attacks and "sharp shit pains in my stomach" (hemorrhoids?).   Even if he wasn't convicted, the scandal would destroy his career.   "I was in the Top Five Young Ministers to watch last year -- I got a reputation -- a following."  Wait -- if he's so famous, why is his whole plot arc about proving his worth?

Denim brings lunch:  We cut to scenes where Baby Billy and Tiffany leave town with the offering money, Eli worries that the whole enterprise is corrupt, and Jesse apologizes to Gideon for pushing him away and starting the whole mess. Eli admits, for the only time in the series, that the church's finances are not entirely above-board.

 Next, Judy tries to mend her relationship with BJ by bringing him lunch at the optometrist office.  Whoops, his coworker Denim already picked up lunch.  "So you're having sex with BJ?"  No, she's a lesbian -- she has a wife.  This does not convince Judy, who calls her: "One of those benevolent lesbians, out to meet a hot guy, make friends with him, so you can sample-suck some clean dick."  BJ's nonchalance about LGBT people, plus Judy's sort-of nonchalance, will become important later.

He refuses to take Judy back, so she storms into the parking lot and starts destroying cars, finally getting arrested.

Hemorrhoids and Testicular Tumors: Keefe is swimming while Kelvin tries not to look at the body that is giving him so many unwelcome desires.   He wants to know how he can rid the world of darkness, when he's surrounded by it: his mother died, Eli was assaulted, the church was robbed. Not to mention Jesse committing assault and probably vehicular homicide.  He concludes that God is punishing the family for "not being who we say we are."  

Left: Kelvin's testicles. 

But Kelvin had nothing to do with those things. He was in the car with his siblings when they ran over the blackmailers, but he didn't assault anyone.  At most he failed to tell anyone.  How does "not being who we say we are" apply to him?  Unless he is talking about being gay.

"Don't you think God is being a little harsh?" Keefe asks.  We all wear masks; we hide things even from ourselves.  

Kelvin laugh/cries and says "I think we're getting off easy...when the Philistines stole the Ark of the Covenant, God punished them with hemorhhoids and testicle tumors."  

He's referring to an obscure story in 1 Samuel 4-5, where the Philistine thieves were punished with opalim. The King James Bible translates the Hebrew word as "emeroids" (now "hemorrhoids") and the NIV as "tumors."  An article in Biblical Archaeology Review points out the importance of penises in Philistine art, and suggests "flaccid penises."   No one mentions testicles; apparently Kelvin invented it, to correspond to the glimpse of Keefe's testicle that began his recognition of his homoerotic desire.

Next: "You should go, Keefe."  Keefe doesn't understand: "You want me to make a store run?"  Kelvin becomes angrier and angrier: "Go.  Leave.  Get out. I am no longer fit to lead you!" 

Kelvin scratches his butt as he says this.  Apparently he has hemorrhoids, and thinks that God is punishing him -- an ironic punishment for having anal sex? Will testicular tumors come next? 

Keefe disagrees: "There's no one more worthy than you."

 "Get the fuck out of here! Now! Do I need to call security, motherfucker?"  This is shockingly aggressive. Besides, if Keefe has been living there for several months, you have to give him 30 days notice.

Keefe wades away, holding his swimsuit like he held his shirt during the mushroom head scene.  The intimacy he enjoyed that night has been revoked.  Kelvin falls into the pool and screams and cries.

Why does Kelvin send Keefe away?  If he's no longer qualified to be a spiritual leader due to the assault of the blackmailers, they could certainly continue to live together.  It must have something to do with the "hemorrhoids and testicular tumors," the intimacy they shared, or even homoerotic desire itself.  Kelvin believes that it is evil, demonic, that Keefe is a serpent who tempted him.  I don't care much for this association between LGBT identities and sin, but the show has been careful to establish that it's in Kelvin's head, not a general theme, structurally or in-universe.  

Testicular bonus after the break. Caution: explicit.

"How do I know if I'm g...."?: A Young Gideon Story

This story features Gideon Gemstone (Skyler Gisondo) of The Righteous Gemstones as a teenager.  All of the subjects of n*de photos are over 18.

“Hey, Bro,” Pontius called, rushing up to Gideon’s locker at the Riverpointe Christian Academy in Charleston. 

“Hey, yourself.”  Gideon was a bit suspicious: his younger brother rarely talked to him at school.  Sometimes he didn’t even accept a ride home, preferring to call one of the Gemstone drivers to avoid being seen with a “glee club nerd.”  An odd insult, since Gideon didn’t belong to Glee Club.

“Are you staying after for gymnastics?”

“No, that’s on Tuesday and Thursday. Why, what do you need?”

“Well, a ride home.”

“Why – the drivers are both busy, and your pogo stick’s in the shop?”

Pontius smiled, either not noticing the dig at his age, or too invested in whatever he wanted to care.  “And  can we stop for pizza on the way?”

This was really suspicious -- Pontius never invited him to go anywhere.  Maybe the age difference was too great for them to really be friends – Gideon was in eleventh grade, with a girlfriend and college plans, while Pontius in eighth grade still played with toys.  

Maybe they didn’t have much in common – Gideon was into gymnastics and acrobatics (he loved tumbling with Uncle Kelvin at the Gemstone Teen Center), while Pontius was into…well, hanging out with his buds and telling dirty jokes.  Or maybe they just didn’t like each other.  He must want a big favor, Gideon thought.

 They climbed into the Lexus that Granddad Eli gave him for his sixteenth birthday and drove down to Famulari’s, the go-to pizza place for all of the Gemstones, probably because the delivery guys didn’t mind driving ten miles out to the Compound.  The moment they sat down, Pontius said, "Ok, here’s the thing. I want to have a sleepover Friday night, and you have to come."

"No way, José! 16-year olds do not go to slumber parties.”

“You used to like them.”

“Sure, and I used to like Battlebots, too. I grew up.”

From his 10th birthday until last year, when he graduated to the high school building at the Academy, Gideon and Pontius hosted sleepovers at least once a month. They each invited two or three friendss, plus their younger brother Abraham by default. 

They spent the night playing video games, watching tv, eating snacks, and bragging about how late they were staying up.  Then they bedded down in the Kid Guest Room, Pontius and Abraham on the top bunk, Gideon and another boy “on the bottom,” and the rest in sleeping bags.   Gideon always took awhile to choose his bed partner: not necessarily his best friend.  Maybe even one of Pontius’s friends, if he was cute. 

How did I know which boys were cute?  Gideon thought, surprised by the memory.  Why did I care?

"We haven't had one for a long time!" Pontus protested.  "And Mom says I can't have one by myself – you have to be there, too."

The waiter came – a rather chunky, sandy-haired guy from Gideon’s Biblical History class – and they ordered their usual bacon-cheeseburger pizza (sometimes Mom and Dad called for something “healthy,” and they had to scour the menu for healthy toppings.  What kind of pizza topping was healthy?).

“What will my friends say if they find out I went to a sleepover with a bunch of eighth grade dorks?  What will my girlfriend say?”  He and Katie had only been dating for three weeks, but Gideon mentioned her every chance he got. “Katie likes lima beans. Katie’s aunt lives in Belgium.  Katie’s favorite Harry Potter character is…”  

"They won't all be dorks," Pontius said.  "How about if you can invite some of your friends. Whoever you want.”

"As if!  My friends are way too cool for sleepovers!”

"Well, maybe not one of your friends, just guys that you like.  You know, want to spend time with, like the guys that Uncle Kelvin hangs out with”

Gideon felt the anger rising.  “I do not want to spend time with guys like that, Jackass!  Uncle Kelvin is gay, and I have a girlfriend!”

Pontius laughed.  “You dummy, no way is Uncle Kelvin a homo!”

“How do you know?”

“Number One, he’s got muscles.  Number Two: he works with kids…”

“You’re an idiot. Gay guys have muscles sometimes, and they can work with kids like anybody else.”

Pontius sneered. “Number Three, he never brings a little fruity friend to the family dinner….”

“Maybe he’s afraid to bring a boyfriend around. Granddad Eli might kick him out of the church.”

“Number Four: He doesn’t live in California,”  Pontius said with a flourish, as if that was a definitive argument.  “Why do you want Uncle Kelvin to be gay so much?  Are you in love with him?  Do you want to, like, hug and kiss?” 

“Dude, that’s my uncle!” Gideon said, disgusted.

“Ok, so if he wasn’t your uncle, you’d be all into him.”  He made pucker sounds. “Oh, Thweetie, your muscles are so big! Kiss me again!”

“You’d better stop talking trash about me if you want me to come to your darn sleepover.” 

“Ok, ok, sorry…Thweetie.”  He giggled. “Now pick two guys that you want to invite. Somebody you want to spend time with.”

“Someone you want to spend time with” made sense to Gideon.  Maybe a guy who was a little standoffish at  school, or constantly involved with his own clique.  This could be his chance to break through and make a friend.

"Ok, let’s go for it. For my first boy I pick Derek from Gemstone Teen Time.”  A tall, blond 10th grader with a round angelic face.  For some reason he went to public school, not the Academy.  When he got the lead in the drama club production of Oklahoma last fall, Gideon made his Mom and Dad and brothers all go to see him, but they didn’t hang out afterwards. 

"No problemo.  Derek and me are tight."  He paused.  "So...who's the second boy?"

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit

"Happiest Season": Christmas romcom with lesbian couple, pansexual Patrick, Jake's junk, and Candy Cane Lane

Happiest Season, on Hulu, is advertised as "A Holiday romcom about being true to yourself and trying not to ruin Christmas."  The icon shows three heterosexual couples, an unattached woman, and what looks like a lesbian couple, but ten to one they're bickering sisters.  

But the husband on the left is Dan Levy, Patrick on Schitt's Creek, and the hunky Jake McDorman, top photo, is at the top of the cast list, so I'll give it a try.

Opening:  They're a lesbian couple!  The opening consists of watercolor-type pictures of two women, a blond and a brunette, meeting, falling in love, going to a family Christmas, celebrating Halloween and Thanksgiving, exchanging gifts, and moving in together.  They kiss twice, so it's unlikely that viewers will identify them as "just close friends."

Scene 1: A residential neighborhood decked out for Christmas, called Candy Cane Lane.  A tour guide gives its history: it was started by Herb Flack, with his nephew Otis playing Santa Claus "until he was arrested for child endangerment."  A pedophilia joke?   The ladies are taking the tour. 

The rich brunette is named Abby, and the poor blonde is Harper.  Somebody goofed --  Harper absolutely has to be the rich one.  It's impossible to keep their names straight, so I'll call them Rich Brunette and Blondie. 

Uh-oh, Blondie doesn't like Christmas, a major crime in these movies, and in real life during the month of December. Rush her to a re-education center, stat!  Brunette argues that it's impossible to not love Christmas -- I've heard that argument a lot -- but Blondie stands firm.

Next Brunette drags Blondie to a house that's not on the tour and up to the roof, so they can look down on the lights.  "Now you love it, right?"  Sure, trespassing makes any holiday more festive.

They complain about being separated for the holidays, kiss and...uh-oh, the homeowner hears them.  They slide off the roof, destroying an inflatable snowman, and run away.  The homeowner is a Santa Claus dominatrix and her reindeer-costume sub, har har.

Brunette has an idea: why not come to her parents' house for the holidays?  Wait -- the water-color intro already showed them with the parents at Christmas.  Blondie agrees.  They kiss for like five minutes. 

What happened to Herb Flack and Otis?  You can't name characters and then have them not appear.  We don't even see Candy Cane Lane again.

Scene 2:  The ladies' elegant brick house in downtown Pittsburgh.  Blondie works as a pet sitter?  Girlfriend must be an heiress. An old-fashioned phonograph playing a new song, "Jingle Bells" by Bayli, as Blondie says "We need to talk."  Uh-oh.  

It's nothing bad.  She just wanted to say that she got a substitute pet-sitter, John, so she can go.  Um...the first rule of fiction, even in frothy gay-positive fiction: there has to be conflict.

Cut to a coffee shop, where Blondie is giving John (Dan Levy) pet-sitting instructions.  Wait -- in the intro, he's celebrating Christmas  with the ladies and the parents.  I thought he was the Brunette's brother-in-law, married to the scary-looking sister.   

John is distracted because he left last night's hookup alone in the apartment, so he has to keep tracking him to make sure he leaves.  

Takeaway: he tracks all of his friends.  This will become important later.

In other news, Blondie is planning to ask Brunette to marry her.  John is against it: they're a perfect couple right now, so why spoil things with an archaic assimilationist ritual, trapping her girlfriend in "the iron box of heteronormativity"?

Also: she wants to ask Brunette's dad for his blessing first. You've been reading too many Jane Austen novels, girlfriend.

Scene 3:  Establishing shots of their trek out of the city into the deep, dark wilderness.  You know Pittsburgh is just an hour's drive from West Virginia, right?

Big reveal: When Brunette said that she was out to her parents, she was lying.  They think she is straight, and Blondie is her "roommate."  So, you're about 30, you haven't mentioned a guy in 15 years, and you're  living with a woman. Girl, they know.

And they can't come out now, because Dad is running for mayor, and he's trying to impress this important, homophobic doner.  Sounds like the plot of La Cage aux Folles.

Besides, he has made it very clear over the years that he will only love his children if they are perfect, and being gay is by definition imperfect, so she has a fake boyfriend played by Jake McDorman (butt left).

When they arrive, it turns out that there are three sisters and a scheming ex-girlfriend, all with long black hair, so I can't tell them apart.  But apparently they all have imperfections that they're keeping secret so Dad won't stop loving them:

Eldest sister and her husband are separated and divorcing, but pretending to be together.  The husband is played by Burl Mosely, seen here on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, where he sings "Don't Be a Lawyer."

Brunette is an imperfect lesbian.

Youngest daughter is writing a Harry Potter-like young adult fantasy novel in secret. 

 Pop Quiz: What happens next?

1. T/F: Brunette dumps Blondie for her ex-boyfriend.

2. T/F: John agrees with Brunette's decision to stay in the closet.

3. T/F: John gets a romantic partner

4. T/F: There are several other LGBT characters.

5.T/F: When Brunette comes out, her parents are fine with it.

Answers and Jake's dick after the break.  Caution: explicit.

Gemstones Episode 1.4: Keefe looks for love in a sports bar, and Kelvin meets a girl. Plus Blair Jackson and a random hunk.

Previous: Episode 1.3: Gideon acts like a woman, Kelvin acts like a man, and chubby guys show their dicks
 

Episode 1.4 is pivotal to the Kelvin-Keefe relationship, establishing that they both are gay, and that they have similar life goals: treated as babies in their subcultures, they long to prove themselves men.

Title: "Wicked Lips," from Proverbs 17.4: "An evildoer listens to wicked lips, and a liar gives ear to a mischievous tongue."  I wonder who will be listening to wicked lips.

The Satanists:  Keefe is walking through downtown Charleston, eating an ice cream cone -- a childlike activity, maybe signifying that he has been "born again," started life anew.  He had to give up his old Satanist friends and lovers to follow Christ, and now he's looking for new friends -- and a boyfriend (he does not yet think of Kelvin as a potential partner).

He looks longingly at a hot guy through the window of a sports bar (it's Kyle Walsh, who has been Adam Devine's assistant  in 10 of his movies and tv shows).  Then the hot guy turns around, stares at Keefe, and licks through a v-symbol: a vulgar offer of oral sex, usually aimed at a woman, but apparently aimed at Keefe).  Offenderd, Keefe moves on.

Next Keefe runs into his old Satanist buds, especially Daedalus and Cryptocore (who wears a gas mask and doesn't speak).  They heard the he was hanging out with "those Gemstone weirdos," but he denies it.  Then he refuses their invitation to a party at Club Sinister Friday night. 

"Keefe's a fucking nerd now!" Daedalus exclaims.  The slurs he uses, "nerd" and "weirdo," suggest the taunts of a high school bully rather than critiques of Christian believers.

As Keefe leaves, the Satanists demonstrate their new dance number.  They look like they are having fun; he is tempted to join them.

Money is on my mind:  While Quincy Jones' "Money Is" plays in the background, Martin and Judy (his secretary in this season) are showing Gideon how they separate the donations from the prayer requests (these are handled by paid prayer teams.  Imagine being a professional prayer).  The requests are then shredded, for liability reasons.  Anything important, or a donation over $10,000, goes straight to Eli.  The cash is then sorted and placed in the vault.  Gideon's eyes light up as he gets an idea.

Fancy Nancy:  "Gay, you know..." Wait, is Amber talking about Kelvin?  

No, it's Sunday dinner at Jason's Steakhouse with major donors Dale and Gay Nancy, owners of Fancy Nancy's Chicken. They are parodies of Dan and Rhonda Cathy of the notoriously homophobic Chick-Fil-A, but let's take a closer look at those those names: Dale's wife is named "Gay," and " "Nancy," and "fancy" are long-standing homophobic slurs. The whole scene is a play on homophobic slurs, calling attention to the problems that Kelvin and Keefe will have if they come out

The Nancys' problem: their teenage daughter Dot is on the wrong path, hanging out with an older, decadent boyfriend -- so they won't let her use the family helicopter anymore.  Everybody volunteers to intervene, but Eli notes that Kelvin is the Youth Minister, so he should do it.  He is thrilled: a way to earn his Daddy's respect! 

Script problem: Shouldn't it be Kelvin's job by default?  Why is there even a question? This seems to be a holdover from an earlier draft, when Dot was older. 

Gay slur: Angry at being passed over for the job, Jesse criticizes Kelvin's glasses: "You look like Jeffrey Dahmer."  The gay serial killer.  Kelvin takes the glasses off.

What happened in Atlanta: We cut to Chad's wife Mandy telling the ladies that she broke into his email and found a message he received from Jesse last March: "Atlanta was dirty, dirty, for sure-y!" Other emails describe "titties," suggest getting tested, and ask how much he owes for the prostitutes. 

Amber insists that it's none of their business. There are any number of innocent explanations.  Later, she confronts Jesse, who gets mad at Mandy "for lying." 

Timeline note: This episode takes place shortly before Easter 2022, which fell on April 17th.  Mandy probably means March 2021, or she would have said "last month." So about a year has passed since Jesse's sex-and-drugs party.

The Semen Load: At the Nancy Estate, Kelvin announces that he and Keefe will be performing a Satanic Sweep  (Keefe demonstrates by sweeping at his crotch.  Satanic sweeps are about sex.)

Keefe connection: Jade Pettyjohn (Dot) starred with Tony Cavalero in School of Rock.

In Dot's room, they destroy: posters of the dark metal groups Bauhaus and Ministry; an ashtray; a "fidget spinner" (toy) that almost hypnotizes Keefe; two Ken dolls (used for gay play?); and a used condom. They bring everything out to their SCU (Spiritual Collections Unit) trailer.  Lots of questions here: did they get a whole Satanic Sweep system started in just the few weeks since Keefe was saved (converted)?  Wouldn't a real Satanist know that those so-called Satanic influences are bogus?  And why are the Satanic Sweeps never mentioned again?  

Keefe apologizes for displaying the used condom; Kelvin advises him that if it contains a semen-load, "don't even touch it."  This queasiness about touching semen appears again in Season 2 with Judy and Jesse.  Here Kelvin seems to be trying to steer Keefe away from his gay "lifestyle," which involved touching a lot of semen-loads.  To emphasize his heterosexual manliness, he tries to draw Keefe into a play-fight.

Suddenly Dot's boyfriend Austin (Blair Jackson) appears.  "I bet you money that was his semen-load," Keefe says.  As they are drawn instinctively to thoughts of his penis, Kelvin decides to "Snip him right out of this situation." Castration joke, har har.

Blair bod after the break