Will Trent, Episode 4:10: Who is murdering naked fratboys? Detectives think it's about a girl, but...With fratboy cocks and Jeff East

 

I don't watch a lot of detective shows -- who cares about "the body in the library" when you can change the channel and see ghosts, zombies, time travel, and parallel worlds? But Episode 4.10 of Will Trent, on Hulu, pinged my gaydar: "A fraternity star and his friend are murdered."  Friend is often code for boyfriend.

Title: "You're Only as Sick as Your Secrets."

Scene 1: Girl legs walking across the campus of Georgia Atlantic University at night, discussing their boy problems.  Heterosexual identity established instantly.  They stop at a fountain to puke, and see a naked boy floating in the water, his mouth taped up and marked with the word "loyalty." 

Cut to a Pregnant Detective and her husband at a class for expectant parents, in an ongoing plotline.  They keep accidentally "killing" their baby.  I'm fast forwarding.

Scene 2: Will (Ramon Rodriguez, top photo) interviews the ridiculously-dressed Chancellor about the victim, Paxton Cole.  Shouldn't it be the Dean of Students, or the President?  "He was a campus leader, honor role, president of the Delta Chi Kappa Fraternity."  

Left: The actor playing Paxton does not appear in the cast list.

Will thinks that it was a premeditated murder, but the Chancellor scoffs: "The boy was just  mugged, or he interrupted a drug deal."  

"Then why was he stripped, and tape gagged with the word 'Loyaltyl"?

He harrumphs, then leaves to go to Boozy Booster Brunch,  the biggest fundraising activity of Homecoming Week, except for the Wine and Winners Dinner Party. Will is suspicious.  Dude should be more concerned about the murder of the college goldenboy.  Or any student, for that matter.

Scene 3: Will's team crosses the campus, complaining about the laziness of Generation Z and how college is a worthless rip-off.  As someone who has been teaching at a college for over 20 years, I am disturbed by that sentiment.  They find the frat pledges cleaning the porch with toothbrushes, a red flag about hazing abuse. They are not allowed to speak, another red flag.

Frat member Sean/Legacy  (Jacob Buster, left) invites them in. Will looks disgusted at the frat guys drinking beer. Griffin/Badger sees them and tries to run out, but they ambush him.  "It's not my fault!" he exclaims.

Scene 4: At the police station, Griffin/Badger (Tyler Patrick Smith) explains that he didn't hurt Paxton, but he was afraid that his illegal id business would be implicated.  Last night at the party, he gave Paxton/Doorbell and Greg/Sharkey fake ids so they could pick up some kegs of beer.  They never returned.

He's not implicated in the murder, but he's arrested for selling fake ids.  These people are disgustingly judgmental.  

They interrogate everybody else in the house, but no one had a beef with Paxton/Doorbell or Greg/Sharkey, and no one knows where they went to get the beer.

"Did you ever see them argue, fight over a girl?"  How do you know they were straight, heteronormative a-hole?

"No, they were best friends."  Tell me more.

Scene 5: Being dismissisve and insulting isn't getting them any intel, so the Pregnant Detective tries the sympathy approach.  Sean/Legacy opens up, complaining that his dad wants him engaged by next year and married with a kid soon after graduation.   I got that pressure all the time growing up: "What girl do you like?  What girl do you like?  What girl? What girl?"  Resistance to the heterosexist trajectoryy is a queer code.

Left: Fake ID Griffin/Badger's penis.

This strategy works: Sean/Legacy reveals that several months ago, Paxton shared a private sex video to group chat.  It got leaked, and the whole campus saw it.  Dang, it was with a girl.  Hereosexual identiy established at Minute 12..

Scene 6: Pregnant Detective visits The Girl, Sorority President Britt. She can't talk about the sex tape, because she signed an NDA and got a Porsche.  But she won't say who asked her to sign it.

Other sorority girls come forward to reveal that the fratboys are all scumbags, but they can't report on any of their misdeeds because Sean/Legacy's dad is the Chancellor.  Curiouser and curiouser.

Scene 7: Back at headquarters, after some stuff about the ongoing plotline, they find out where Paxton/Doorbell and Greg/Sharkey bought the beer: at the Beer Depot (makes sense).  They drop by, and find his pickup truck, with the beer kegs still there.  The killer must have abducted them here.

Will finds two sets of clothes in the trash -- the killer stripped them here! And no one noticed?  And in the ice machine, Greg/Sharkey's naked body, with a tape gag reading "Fortitude." 

They figure out that the words on the tape gags are the mottos of the frat: Loyalty, Fortitude, Integrity, Diligence.  Two murders left?

Scene 8: Ongoing plot stuff, then the bodies in the morgue. Paxton/Doorbell was drowned, and Greg/Sharkey died of hypothermia (so he was dumped in the ice machine while alive). They both had Goldenkranz (gold-infused liquour) in their stomachs, and high levels of Xanax (an anti-anxiety medication that causes drowsiness).  The killer spiked their drinks so they would be more compliant.  Which means that he (or she) was at the party last night.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit

Chad Allen: The Dr. Quinn hunk is outed, but still plays heterosexual romantic leads and a gay detective. With his cock and 1990s San Francisco

I finally cleaned out my "Profiles to Do" file,  eliminating Tyler Posey (extremely ugly), Ethan Cutkosky (only four photos), and Raphael Luce (already profiled him). Twelve guys are left: Nicholas Bechtel, Nathaniel Bacon, Ben Patrick Johnson...wait, Chad Allen.  The name brings back a flood of memories.

In 1995, my partner Lane and I moved to San Francisco, because why wouldn't you?  It was Gay Heaven.  It was also very difficult, cold, crowded, dirty, and dangerous.  Lane lasted for about six months before dumping me and high-tailing it back to the comfort of West Hollywood.  I stuck it out for two years.

The main problem: We felt obligated to serve as stand-ins for the thousands of gay men who dreamed of living in Gay Heaven.  Every moment had to count.  Every night was a mad rush of beer busts, bear parties, AIDS benefits, book signings, art openings, film premieres, and hookups, until, by Saturday night we were exhausted, and more often than not just wanted to get Chinese take-out and chill in front of the tube.  So we watched Married..with Children, Lois & Clark, Leaving L.A. (because we had left L.A.), and Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman (1993-98)

Jane Seymour played the titular doctor, also known as Doctor Mike, who moved out West in 1867 to deal with gamblers, grifters, bureaucrats, cowboys, Indians, and a lot of sick and dying people.  No gay characters, but come on, she was named Mike, she disguised herself as a man on many occasions, and she had a lesbian-subtext romance with her midwife, Charlotte.  After The Girl died, Doctor Mike adopted her three children and started a romance with a cowboy (Joe Lando).  You have to move on.

Chad Allen played Matthew Cooper, Dr. Mike's adopted son.  His plotlines involved trying to father his younger siblings after Mom's death (by rattlesnake bite), getting a girlfriend (who dies of rabies), being trapped in a cave-in, getting a new girlfriend, getting a gambling addiction, chasing cattle rustlers, and having various accidents.  Sure, it was ridiculous, but in the 1990s everything on tv was ridiculous.  Remember Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210?

Joe Lando appeared in Playgirl, but didn't show his dangly bits.

But Chad did.  At least, some leaked photos purportedly of a young adult Chad made the rounds of nude celebrity websites in the early 2000s.

Chad had been appearing heart-warmers and tear-jerkers since he was seven years old: Hotel, Webster, Highway to Heaven, Punky Brewster, and The Wonder Years (that's Fred Savage beside him).

His most iconic role was Tommy Westphal, the autistic son of Dr. Westphal in 17 episodes of the homophobic medical drama St. Elsewhere (1983-88).  We only watched one episode, and it was homophobic.

The season finale of St. Elsewhere revealed that the entire series was imagined by Tommy as he gazed at a snow globe.   It was all a dream. This enraged fans, but isn't all fiction someone's dream?

Chad also played more conventional roles, like the 12-year old David Witherspoon in 46 episodes of the dramedy Our House (1986-88).  The then-famous curmudgeon Wilford Brimley starred as the grandpa to three cute kids.

And Zach Nichols, who competes with Giovanni Ribisi for the attention of The Girl in 26 episodes of the comedy (sort of) My Two Dads (1987-1990).

In 1996,  Chad was outed when the tabloid The Globe published a leaked photo of him kissing a guy!  

Usually in the 1990s, coming out or being outed meant an instant end to your career, but Jane Seymour was a strong LGBT ally, and insisted that Chad continue appearing as Matthew in every episode of Dr. Quinn.  The writers did manage to avoid giving him a new girlfriend.

More after the break

BJ's Angels: A "Charlie's Angels" parody starring Joel Rush and Skyler Gisondo. With a guest appearance by Adam Devine

For this parody, you need to know that Kelvin and Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones could never call themselves "boyfriends" or use the word "gay."

Announcer: And now another episode of BJ's Angels.

Introduction

(BJ narrates off-camera): Once there were three little muscle boys who went to work on another show called The Righteous Gemstones, two in Kelvin Gemstone's God Squad, and the other as Eli Gemstone's driver. 

(Sarcastic) And they were each assigned very sexy duties. (Shots of Liam falling from a human pyramid, Sky being lowered into a tiger cage, and Gideon driving in a car chase).

But I took them away from all that, and now they work for me. My name is BJ. 

Montage

 Joel Rush as Sky (in his underwear, pulling a gun from his crotch)

Peter Kaasa as Liam (winning a bodybuilding contest)

Skyler Gisondon as Gideon (hacking into a computer)

Tony Cavalero as Mr. Keefe (trying to answer six telephones at once).

Guest star Adam DeVine as Kelvin (giving Keefe a bag lunch as he rushes out the door, like a 1960s sitcom housewife). 

And special guest star Tim Baltz as BJ (a mysterious hand on a computer keyboard)

Scene 1

The Angels in their dressing room. Gideon, fully clothed, is tying his tie, but Sky and Liam are still in their underwear.

Sky: Hey, this t-shirt is just extra-extra-large. Liam, I think you got mine by mistake.

Liam: (Checks.) Oh, right, this one is extra-extra-extra large. Sorry, Sky, I'll take it off. Of course, the only way I can do that is by taking off my jockey, too (Rips off his t-shirt, then lowers his jockey, displaying his bare butt.) That's one, by the way.

Gideon: (Glancing over) One what?

Liam: We're contractually obligated to display our butts twice per episode.

Scene 2

Keefe enters, wearing a suit, carrying a laptop.

Liam and Sky: Good morning, Mr. Keefe.

Gideon: Good morning, Uncle Keefe.

Keefe (to Gideon): Hey, don't tell anyone that we're related, or else the fans won't ship us, and we won't get a lot of play on fan boards. Those fan boards can make or break our characters! So just pretend that you're my very good friend.  What couple name do you like, Gideefe or Keefeon?

Gideon: That's gross! No way I'm going to queerbait with my Uncle Kelvin's boyfriend!

(Everyone gasps).

Keefe: You can't say the b- word on television!  The proper term is 'my Uncle Kelvin's...um..."

Sky: I'll queerbait with you, Mr. Keefe.  We've already been intimate, remember?

Keefe: The glory hole in the tiger cage?  How could I forget?  Wait until Episode 12, when we go undercover as the son of a famous televangelist and his boy toy. I'm the boy toy. Anyway, I have BJ on Zoom.

Scene 3

He opens the Zoom screen. A tropical setting. BJ lies on his stomach on a lounge chair. His face is not visible.

BJ: Good morning, Angels. Your assignment this week is to go undercover at a Speedo contest, to see who is...um, trying to sabotage...well, whatever, it's a Speedo contest.

Gideon: Didn't we go undercover at an underwear contest two weeks ago?

BJ: Do you know how hard it is to come up with scenarios that get you guys out of your clothes for extended periods? Lifeguard, surfing instructor, stripper, underwear tester, and that's about it.

Sky: What will you be doing while we're risking our lives and our virginity?

BJ: Oh, I'll be very busy...gathering intel....(two musclemen walk past)....taking measurements (a muscleman brings him a drink)...interrogating suspects under the covers...um, I mean undercover. (He ends the Zoom meeting.)

Liam: Wait, I thought BJ was straight. He's married to Judy.

Keefe: Of course he's straight.  He was just talking about detective work.  Everyone on this show is straight except me and my...um...  But there's no word in the English language to describe our sexual identity.  

Liam: Oh, please, you and Kelvin are g---

Keefe (cutting him off): NO WORD in the English language.

More words after the break. Warning: Explicit