The 18 biggest, hottest, or most surprising cocks of the musclemen and bodybuilders from Arnold to Slab, with bonus Brian

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My 16 favorite Gemstone cocks, displayed on the show and off, from Zack's mini to Brock's tree trunk

The Righteous Gemstones was unique in its enthusiastic portrayal of penises in nearly every episode. lus a number of the actors who didn't get a chance to show their stuff on the show have obligingly posted pictures of their inches on the internet.  Here are my favorites, some huge, some not, but all a pleasure to watch.

1. Stephen Schneider (left) as Stephen had an affair with Judy Gemstone in Season 3.  Her husband BJ burst into his house during a j/o session, and fought him to reclaim his manhood. The actor was offered a prosthetic, but he wanted to perform with his real cock on display.  I can see why.

2. Blair Jackson played the boyfriend of Dot Nancy, whom Kelvin Gemstone is trying to draw away from Satan, in Season 1.  Off-camera, he has shown us his stuff.

3. Walton Goggins.  In our first view of the elderly grifter Baby Billy, he stands up in his bathtub to reveal a cock of superhuman proportions (they actually useed a stand in).  It re-appeared so often in Season 4 that even gay male viewers got tired of it.

4. Stephen Dorf,  who played the nasty, homophobic, and probably gay megachurch pastor Vance Simkins, goes full frontal in a movie from 2005.. 

5. Jak Kriskowski appeared in a scene where Pontius enrolls in military school.  His scene was cut, but Jak joined the army in real life, and has given us a cute peeking-out-of-his-pants shot.

6, Kelton Dumont, as wild child Pontius Gemstone, was caught schtupping his girlfriend and jumped up and tried to hide it. After a lot of photo manipulation, about all you can see is a bit of the shaft.  But I found a few other possibilities.

7. Adam Devine: To our disappointment, Kelvin Gemstone showed his backside quite often, but never his front. Probably to emphasize that he is a bottom, and self-conscious about his small size.  In real life, Adam is hung. We've seen it several times in his movies.

8. Cullen Moss as the security guard hot for Gideon's boyfriend Scotty.  He goes full frontal in a 2021 movie.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Operation Taco Gary's: A gay porn star, Keefe, the "American Pie" guy, the cock that got censored, tacos, and aliens. And everybody's gay.

 

Tony Cavalero (yes, I still follow his Instagram) announced that Operation Taco Gary's, which he completed in 2023, has finally found a broadcast home, on Amazon Prime. I've been waiting for this for awhile, so here goes:

Scene 1: As the radio announces the death of actor Jason Biggs (best known for the American Pie franchise), a guy runs through the woods in his underwear, holding a book or a box.  He yells "F*k you, Biggs!"

Flashback to the child Bulge Guy and his buddy or brother trying to destroy their neighborhood.  As an old fat guy sunbathes in s Speedo, child Bulge Guy accidentally pushes his buddy into a wall, knocking him out. He runs away, past a sign saying "Moving sale. Please buy my stuff." 

Scene 2: In a run-down house, a guy is lying on the bed, despondent, while his roommate or boyfriend, Luke (Dustin Milligan), sells off their stuff. They're moving to Ottawa. Wait -- the moving sale is in the present. What about the kids?  They weren't Bulge Guy and his buddy?

Someone asks about a painting of the Pope eating dinner with Big Foot.  "It's not mine.  I'm basically Jewish."

"That's not true," a voice calls from another room.  "I've seen his penis.  Ample foreskin. His dick looks like the head of a baby elephant."  

It's Bulge Guy, Luke's long-lost brother!  He's a conspiracy theorist who lives off the grid, and he brought the painting because the Catholic Church is supressing evidence of Bigfoot.

They discuss Luke's move to Canada.  "You got a girlfriend  up there?"

"No.  I wish." Heterosexual identity established at Minute 7.  "I'm a new paleontology researcher. I start on Monday."

Bulge Guy guilts his way into an invitation to come along.  Who was the roommate despondent over Luke leaving?  Maybe a random person trying out the bed?  A little confusing, director!.

Scene 3: Driving to Canada on narrow country roads through the woods.  On the radio: "Jason Biggs' death has been ruled a homicide"  Bulge Guy looks suspicious.

Left: Research reveals that Bulge Guy is played by Simon Rex, unrecognizeable from his early days in gay-ish porn.

They stop at Taco Gary's for lunch.  Bulge Guy claims that his days of scamming the Portuguese mafia out of Taiwanese ketamine are over.  He just wants to be a good brother.

Cut to the police breaking into Luke's empty house.  They find a Taco Gary's wrapper and conclude that Luke is now helping Bulge Guy. 

Scene 4: An ugly guy with a physique that's um...well, I'm sure he has a nice cock.  He awakens, brushes his teeth, and heads to the dentist office to protest the practice of putting microchips in our teeth.   

Getting gas nearby, Luke and Bulge Guy see him. So he's going to join the team?

Uh-oh, Bulge Guy sees a car, rushes over, and accosts the old lady driving with a hunting knife. He shows her a taco, and refers to the "TG Truce of '21."  She doesn't know what he's talking about.  "Sorry, I mistook you for a member of the Coalition."

While he's gone, Luke checks his backpack and finds that Bulge Guy is not taking is meds.

Scene 5: They zoom off.  Hey, what about the ugly guy with the sign?  You spent so much time showing him getting dressed, I thought he would be a major character.  

Luke confronts Bulge Guy for not taking his meds, destroying his cell phone, and attacking the old lady.   He can't accommodate his brother's craziness anymore, and orders him out of the car.  But Bulge Guy gives him an injection that knocks him out, and drags him into the woods.

Scene 6: He awakens at night, by a campfire, remembers what happened, and tries to run away, but Bulge Guy injects him again.  And a third time. Just tie him up, dude.

Bulge Guy explains: he needs Luke's identity to sneak into Canada.  He's already stolen Luke's passport, wallet, and car keys, so he can't say no. "You'll get them back when we cross the border, and you'll still be in Ottawa in time for your new job."  How are both of them going to get into Canada with the same passport?

He gives Luke a high-tech, alien-made homing device to use instead of a government-hacked cell phone.

"This is a Rubik's Cube painted black."

Uh-oh, the cops have found their car!  Bulge Guy yells "We are armed and extremely dangerous!"  They approach with guns pulled.  Run!

They run. Luke and the two cops all hurt their ankles on the same log (not funny, painful to watch). 

They stumble across a white-haired guy camping, and by taking off his pants, Bulge Guy convinces him to give them a ride. So he liked your bulge?  

"By the way, I've kidnapped my brother, and I'm forcing him to help me against his will."

"No problem," White-Haired Guy says, no doubt thinking that they both must have big cocks.

Scene 7: They stop at a gym and ride the mechanical bull while waiting for a badger (someone who helps you illegally cross the border).  She descends the stairs in slow motion while Luke gapes in Girl of My Dreams squishiness. I was wondering when he would meet The Girl.

She actually works at the gym, at the smoothie bar.  While they are talking, Bulge Guy tells Luke, "I know that look. You're sexually attracted to her, aren't you?"  Hey, that will ruin his chances with The Girl.

Turns out that she's not really a badger.   But she has nothing else to do today, and Bulge Guy always has "crazy, fun" ideas, so why not?

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Pontius has four dicks, and Kelvin is scared. With Hamlet, some German guys, and Casper the Friendly Ghost

 

Title: "He Goeth Before You Into Galilee."  Matthew 28.7 Mary Magdalene and the other Mary see that the tomb of Jesus is empty.  An angel tells them to tell the disciples that he has risen from the dead, and "he goeth before you ointo Galilee."  

Left: Since the Nanny is German, I'm including a few German guys, this one from Ingolstadt.

Welcome to Galilee Gulch.  Baby Billy water-skiing naked, extensive shots of his dong and butt that made some viewers mad.  "Why we got to see that?  Why can't we see Amber's stuff? Every man on Earth, without exception, loves looking at breasts!"  Um...you've heard about gay men, right?  

Then the Gemstones and Milsaps arrive at Galilee Gulch, a huge "lake house" on Lake Marion, about an hour north of Charleston.  Coincidentally, the house where they filmed is owned by a gay couple. 

Pontius complains;  Gideon tells him to not disrespect the lake house, and makes him carry a bag.  He says "Get a life, you dork!"  Abraham agrees: "Such a little ass-kiss."  Abraham has only two lines this season, both about butts.  Got something on your mind, Buddy?

Some cute attendants, who aren't in the cast list, take care of the wheelchair-using BJ, who complains that the whole place is inaccessible.  He'll be constantly complaining about everything through the episode.

Keefe wants to go waterskiing naked, like Uncle Baby Billy, but Kelvin doesn't want to hang dong with his uncle.  Then he forces Keefe to carry the gigantic trunk full of shoes into the house.  That's no way to treat your partner, buddy.  At least he calls Keefe "Sweetheart."

Baby Billy's Breakup Plan: Uncle Baby Billy disapproves of the Eli-Lori relationship -- we aren't told why, but maybe he knows something from Lori's past -- and pushes the siblings into a plan to break them up. The siblings point out that they arranged this weekend retreat because the lake house is full of Aimee-Leigh's things, and will certainly cause Eli to feel guilty about "abandoning Mama."   Maybe they can push things along.

They tell the staff to leave Aimee-Leigh's clothes in Eli's bedroom.  Angry, he calls "the help" and has them all moved into Kelvin and Keefe's room.  

Kelvin is pretending to read the complete works of William Shakespeare.  Another clue that we're in the middle of Hamlet.

The New Nanny: Baby Billy is being nasty to his wife and children ("Get them out of here!"), and expresses his hatred for the butch Germanic nanny, Sola (Kirsten Schultze).  So why not fire her?

Gideon is Gay:  Friday dinner. Kelvin, Keefe, Abraham, and BJ are playing blackjack, the others sitting around a kitchen island.  Jesse gets jealous because Gideon is sitting next to Eli, and they shared a joke. 

 Jesse is treating Gideon as a romantic partner who is cheating on him.  That is not really happening, of course, but it is heavily implied that Gideon is gay, for the first time since Season 1.  There are queer codes about Pontius and Abraham, too.  It's starting to look like Jesse has three gay sons.

Corey apologizes for his reaction to Eli/Lori, and brings in 100 pounds of barbecued pork. 

Jesse's Breakup Plan: After dinner, Keefe goes swimming (distant beefcake shot), and the others hang out or play cornhole.  Corey thinks that Eli is good for his Mama, better than Big Dick Mitch at the Benz dealership, who she used to date, or is still dating -- he's not sure.  

Left: Muscle guy from Munich.

Jesse can use this!  He rushes over to Eli and Lori and brings up Big Dick Mitch in "casual conversation."  Eli gets upset and storms away.

Later, in the bedroom, Lori claims that she doesn't know where Jesse got that idea.  She only dated Mitch twice; they had no chemistry.  Then how does Corey know about the size of his dick?  They discuss whether to keep it casual, allow dating other people, or "go steady."  Go steady it is. 

Dress-Me-Ups: The staff has moved Aimee-Leigh's clothes into Kelvin and Keefe's bedroom!  Kelvin shoves them into a closet, and then joins Keefe to cuddle on the bed.  

Dig the matching pajamas, except Kelvin's have legs, and Keefe's end above the knee, so you can get to his crotch more easily.

Keefe is reading an obscure comic book called The Zero Patrol, from 1984. Only two issues were published.  The hero is telling someone named Dedalus that "The Princess is still mine."  Daedalus was Keefe's Satanist friend in Season 1; maybe we're looking at Keefe's attempt to protect Kelvin from the Darkness.  Or maybe the prop master just grabbed something that had a muscleman on the cover and wasn't Marvel or DC.

He sets the comic aside so they can watch Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), the scene where psycho-killer Jason is shown worshipping the mummified head of his dead mother.  A parallel to the siblings' worship of Aimee-Leigh.  Kelvin gets scared and buries his head into Keefe's crotch (dude, are you scared or horny?), but Keefe assures him that "she's just doing dress-me-ups." .

Like a Hallmark Movie:  Saturday morning.  The Nanny practices her kung-fu. Baby Billy berates her again.

Cut to a montage of everyone water-skiing, while BJ looks on, angry.

Later, the siblings discuss Lori and Eli again.  Amber thinks it's like a Hallmark movie: two old friends fall in love.  Jesse berates her and insults her knowledge of movies.  

So far Jesse, Judy, Baby Billy, and Corey have berated and yelled at their partners.  These relationships are doomed.

Kelvin's Breakup Plan:  The family gathers for a performance.  Keefe is waving at the stage with a toy dinosaur, a shot which appeared in the trailer, making fans think that he and Kelvin had kids.  No, he's waving at Kelvin.  Why is a 40-year old man holding a toy dinosaur?

In a parallel to the play "wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king" in Hamlet, the siblings sing -- badly --about how Mama is in the house, judging everyone, disapproving of the "betrayal." Eli storms off. Feeling guilty, Claudius?

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.3: Keefe does stuff with the Devil, Vance is homophobic, and Kelvin is doomed. With a stunt cock and a nude Hamlet

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The top 18 gay-positive comedy movies: Bill and Ted, Jay and Silent Bob, zombies, pixies, time travelers, and Adam Devine in love

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Gemstones Season 3 Finale: Kelvin and Keefe married? Pontius a Dark Lord? Peter redeemed? Plus saying goodbye to the Gemstone hunks

 

On The Righteous Gemstones, season finales is not a separate episode; it is a scene set some time after the various plot resolutions, allowing viewers to say goodbye to the characters, a sort of "and they lived happily ever after." There are few plot developments, and only vague hints about the future. 

The Season 3 Finale has more of a timeless,dreamlike quality than the previous finales.  It has a flattened structure with no dialogue and not a lot going on.  The family gathers for a private monster truck rally.  Thus, the season begins and ends with the Redeemer.

The Arrival: Setting: a field, with a wooden fence to the side and a swing set.  The Gemstone garage is visible in the background.  This is the same field where Jesse played with the Redeemer in the 2000 flashback.  

The family arrives and sets up lawn chairs in a row, in this order: May-May, Chuck, and Karl; Peter (he has a prosthetic leg, and doesn't bring his own chair, so maybe he's in prison, out on furlough for this special event); Eli and Martin.

Next, Baby Billy, Tiffany, and their two kids sit on blankets instead of chairs. In a deleted scene, Tiffany is letting her baby sit up, so it's been at least nine months, probably a year, since we last saw them. 

Next: Amber, Gideon, and Abraham.  Pontius is not present, suggesting that he is completely estranged from the family.  In the future he will be an antagonist, the Dark Lord of the family.

The Rocking Chairs: Then Judy and BJ, and finally Kelvin and Keefe.  Now they have two rocking chairs, depicting Keefe as the roots of the tree, and Kelvin as the branches. Those things must be very uncomfortable to sit in, and rather fragile.  Adam Devine notes that he broke his chair when he kicked it during the fight scene, and they had to get a replacement. 

Kelvin points the chairs out to the family, who look surprised.  Why haven't they seen the  chairs before?   Maybe  Kelvin and Keefe keep them in the bedroom, where they don't gete many visitors; or maybe Keefe has just finished his chair. In real life, the family would get up to take a closer look, but on the show that would involve a lot of staging with no payback.

 Why bring them today, instead of regular lawn chairs?  The guys' conflict this season has been whether to be open as romantic partners, and the two chairs certainly do the job.

 The Rings:  Kelvin sits in an odd position, with his fingers splayed, to draw attention to his new ring.  It is thicker and more substantial than the "wedding ring" he wore earlier in the season.  Keefe's is hard to see, but it looks thicker, and not as shiny.  Did they pick them out for each other?  Maybe we are to infer an advance in the relationship; maybe the guys are now married.

Gideon's Role: Kelvin pats Keefe's hand several times, presumably call attention to the fact that he built the chairs.  Keefe raises a thumbs up, and Eli and Gideon, the head of the family and his apprentice, return it.  Remember that the last time we saw them interacting, during the kidnapping, Gideon was explicitly rejecting Keefe as a member of the family.  This is a gesture of inclusion.

Also notice that Gideon did not drive Eli to the event, but they use the same gestures, suggesting that he has moved from driver to apprentice minister.

The Guys' Couture: Keefe is wearing an Eckhaus Latta Accordion Sweater in Kelvin's standard green color, with the midriff and back bare, giving him a feminine appearance.  

Eckhaus Latta is known for experimenting with unconventional textures and styles, and unconventional advertising.  In 2017, the ads for their Spring Collection featured gay, straight, and gender-indeterminate couples having unsimulated activity. This certainly adds a lot to our understanding of the Kelvin/Keefe relationship.

Kelvin is wearing a shirt depicting fish, suns, and the letters S and W in rainbow colors, a callback to the young Kelvin's Hawaiian rainbow shirt in the 2000 flashback.  It comes from Moschino Couture, a Milan-based fashion company that offers clothing for everyone (who can afford to spend $300 on a t-shirt), but is best known for its gay line.  Kelvin is, in effect, wearing a gay shirt.

By the way, it comes with matching boxer shorts.  

The Monster Truck Rally: Each family member gets a turn at driving the Redeemer to crunch cars and other things.  They crunch in this order:  the siblings (Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin), the partners (Keefe and Amber), the Montgomery boys (Chuck and Karl), BJ, Martin, the Freemans (Baby Billy and Tiffany), Abraham, and the older generation (Peter, May-May, Gideon, Eli).  They seem to go order of distance from the siblings, with some variation to get different reactions. 

Why is Peter redeemed:  If you've ever wondered why the monster truck is called The Redeemer, now you know: being permitted to drive it signifies redemption, wholeness in the eyes of God and the family.  Uncle Peter tortured Jacob, subjected his niece and nephews and their loved ones to trauma that will take years to work through, sent goons out to kill his own children, and plotted to blow up the church, yet he has been redeemed.

In spite of the Cycle Ninjas, toilet babies, Bible Bonkers, and proliferating p*nise the ongoing theme of this show is a profound theological question:  Is there an sin that can't be redeemed?  Is there any darkness so deep that there's no coming back? 

The answer: no.  Sometimes it takes a lot of work and a lot of pain, but everyone can be redeemed.  In Season 1, Scotty assaulted Eli, robbed the church, and treated Gideon as a slave, yet after his death he was admitted to the family.  In Season 2, Baby Billy was reconciled with his long-abandoned son through a punch in the nose.  Kelvin was redeemed through Keefe's symbolic death and resurrection. Peter sacrificed himself to save the family. 

Other activities during the event include: Baby Billy riding a donkey-shaped piñata and hugging Jesse; BJ riding a stuffed giraffe; Keefe riding Karl's shoulders;  the siblings doing a line-dance; Eli and Martin pretending to dine with the stuffed animals; Eli riding a swing; Kelvin pouring popcorn into his mouth.  A  shot of Kelvin riding Keefe's shoulders was deleted, probably because Keefe is grimacing.

We can find some character development in these acts. Kelvin and Keefe no longer need to spend every moment together. They are comfortable engaging in independent activities and forming separate alliances. Nor does Keefe need Kelvin as a conduit into the family: he is a Gemstone in his own right, not just "Kelvin's friend."  This is a significant relationship advance, suggesting again that the two have moved forward to marriage.

More after the break

Willie Aames: Charles in Charge's Buddy goes to Paradise, shows his willie, becomes Bibleman and a platinum-selling writer

 

According to his IMBD biography, Willie Aaames is an award winning, Platinum-selling writer and producer/director and a 6-star cruise ship director. How does a book go platinum?

But he's best known for showing the world his dick.

He started appearing on screen at the age of 11, with guest spots in The Courtship of Eddie's Father, The Odd Couple, Adam's Rib, Adam-12, and The Waltons.

A starring role in Swiss Family Robinson (1975-76), which adds paranormal peril to the ill-fated island.

120 episodes of the sappy drama Eight is Enough (1977-81), as Tommy Bradford, the second-to-youngest son,  whose shtick was being hetero-horny, sneaking into the girls' locker room and so on, until he got his girlfriend pregnant and married her.

This led to the dreadful Zapped! (1982), with the nerd Barney (Scott Baio) getting telekinetic powers, and apparently using them to look up girls' skirts.  Willie played his horny best friend.

And Charles in Charge (1982-90), as Buddy, the bodybuilding best buddy of the college student turned male nanny.  His dialogue consisted of "Charles!  There's this party tonight, with GIRLS!!!  We can meet GIRLS!!!,", and Charles responding, "I can't go, I have to stay home and watch these two teenage girls, one of whom is my age, so why she needs a nanny is beyond me.  I think I'll just walk around in a towel."

The nudity came in Paradise (1982), a knockoff of Blue Lagoon, with none of the scintillating dialogue or intriguing plot (ok, I'm joking.  Blue Lagoon didn't have those things, either.)

But you did get to see Willie's willie.

I'm not usually into butts, but he has some nice pulchritude, and the penis isn't bad

More dick after the break.

Skyler's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 4: A baseball bat, a hickey, a little dog, and a chub with a chubby

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Joe Gaydar breaks unwritten gym rules, some involving penises and bondage

When Tony was staying in Chicago, he got a hotel gym boyfriend, Joe Gaydar.  Not his real name -- I don't post the real names of non-actors, if there's nudity involved - but close.  I imagine that the guy got a lot of homophobic bullying in grade school.

Joe works as a corporate health specialist, "Empowering Your Employees for Optimal Wellness and Unprecedented Success!" The all capped first letters was his idea, not mine. 

But his main claim to fame is an entertaining Instagram, filled with humorous POVs:

 "Old lifters vs. new lifters"

 "Things we all do at the gym"

"When that guy at the gym keeps staring at you"

"When you see Hugh Jackman, aka Huge Jacked Man, looking like a chiseled Greek god."

"When you've already gone to the gym, and the day's main mission is accomplished."

And my favorite, "Breaking unwritten gym rules."  

1. "I don't have to wipe down the equipment or put the weights away. Someone else will do that for me."  I hate walking up to a machine and seeing someone's sweat or that disgusting disinfectant slime on it.

2. "Grabbed two different brand dumbbells.  It's the same weight, right?"  Definitely a violation of an unwritten rule.

3. "Even though it's peak hours, I'm gonna use multiple machines, because my workout is more important than yours."  That's just being a jerk

4. "Let's load the plate with the logo facing in!"  Absolutely unthinkable.

5. "I got a 45 and a 45.  One's iron and one's rubber.  Same difference, right?"  Again, unthinkable.

6. "Looks like somebody left their stuff here.  They can't be trying to reserve the machine, so let's move it."  Wait -- you can't reserve a machine, unless you're standing right next to it.  The guy who left his stuff there is the jerk.

More rules after the break. Caution: Explicit.

7. "13 reps.  It's ok to end a set on an odd number, right?"  In all my years of going to the gym, I have never ended a set on an odd number.  It just seems wrong.

8."All done with my set, so I'll sit here on my phone for 15 minutes."  Sometimes I walk up to them and say "If you're just resting, can I squeeze in a set?", and they stare like I just grew a second head.

9. "I've got a big dick, so I don't need to use a towel in the locker room.  Guys should be happy to get a peek." Not a problem, buddy: show your dick all you want.

10. "The order of the weights doesn't matter, so I can put the light ones on the bar first, right?"  Looks weird, dude.

11. "I can't find another 45, so let's put a 25 and two 10s on this side.  Same thing, right?"  I've done that, but it's embarrassing.  I feel like everyone is staring.

12. "Look, the squat rack is unoccupied. I can use it for bicep curls, right?"  Wrong.

13. "He invited me home, so he must want me to continue flexing."  That's one of mine: don't you hate it when you bring a bodybuilder or gym rat home, and they want to pose before bed?

Joe posts regular workout videos and beefcake photos, too.  

And some general health tips.

Joe has a wife, so he's probably straight.  

On the other hand, he thinks that Hugh Jackman is hot. 

His dad is an evangelical minister from Russia, so he might not be gay-friendly.

On the other hand, preacher's kids are often into bondage.  

See also: Tony Cavalero shows how to pick up that cute guy at the gym

Researching Justin LeBeau: From "Doctor Who" to gay videos, with only physiques and p enises

Miles Burris: Footballer/ bodybuilder/ family man will "come upon you."

Proper Gym Etiquette: Robert Oberst punishes those jerks you see at the gym