RG Beefcake and Boyfriends: Tony Cavalero

Showing posts with label Tony Cavalero. Show all posts

Joe Gaydar breaks unwritten gym rules, some involving penises and bondage

When Tony was staying in Chicago, he got a hotel gym boyfriend, Joe Gaydar. Not his real name -- I don't post the real names of non-actors, if there's nudity involved - but close. I imagine that the guy got a lot of homophobic bullying in grade school.

Joe works as a corporate health specialist, "Empowering Your Employees for Optimal Wellness and Unprecedented Success!" The all capped first letters was his idea, not mine.

But his main claim to fame is an entertaining Instagram, filled with humorous POVs:

"Old lifters vs. new lifters"

"Things we all do at the gym"

"When that guy at the gym keeps staring at you"

"When you see Hugh Jackman, aka Huge Jacked Man, looking like a chiseled Greek god."

"When you've already gone to the gym, and the day's main mission is accomplished."

And my favorite, "Breaking unwritten gym rules."

1. "I don't have to wipe down the equipment or put the weights away. Someone else will do that for me." I hate walking up to a machine and seeing someone's sweat or that disgusting disinfectant slime on it.

2. "Grabbed two different brand dumbbells. It's the same weight, right?" Definitely a violation of an unwritten rule.

3. "Even though it's peak hours, I'm gonna use multiple machines, because my workout is more important than yours." That's just being a jerk

4. "Let's load the plate with the logo facing in!" Absolutely unthinkable.

5. "I got a 45 and a 45. One's iron and one's rubber. Same difference, right?" Again, unthinkable.

6. "Looks like somebody left their stuff here. They can't be trying to reserve the machine, so let's move it." Wait -- you can't reserve a machine, unless you're standing right next to it. The guy who left his stuff there is the jerk.

7. "13 reps. It's ok to end a set on an odd number, right?" In all my years of going to the gym, I have never ended a set on an odd number. It just seems wrong.

8."All done with my set, so I'll sit here on my phone for 15 minutes." Sometimes I walk up to them and say "If you're just resting, can I squeeze in a set?", and they stare like I just grew a second head.

9. "I've got a big dick, so I don't need to use a towel in the locker room. Guys should be happy to get a peek." Not a problem, buddy: show your dick all you want.

More rules and a dick after the break. Caution: explicit.

We've all had this problem: the hot guy at the gym won't respond when you try to make eye contact or say hello. Even the famous actor Tony Cavalero struck out from time to time, until he developed a foolproof method for getting the hot guy's attention, and maybe even making him your gym boyfriend.

1. Scope out your target, then do the same exercise, but with more weight to impress him.

2. That didn't work? Take your shirt off.

3. Still nothing?

4. Try struggling with a bicep curl. He'll rush over to spot you.

More spotting after the break

This is a series of memes -- jokes -- featuring Gideon of The Righteous Gemstones, and friends. Most don't require you to have any background knowledge of the show.

1. Some friends

2. We've all been there

Teenage Gideon at the sleepover: "This is fascinating. Reminiscent of the early Faulkner, with the homoerotic subtexts that one often finds in Southern Gothic fiction."

The cute boy he's trying to impress: Dude, that's a blank scrapbook.

3. Perform with your shirt off. No one will notice.

Gideon: I'm sorry, I'm not up to performing in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Tell my understudy that he'll have to do it.

Keefe: This is NOT a coat of many colors. Three, tops. Call Gideon again.

4. Room for one more.

When Gideon invited his buds to the sleepover, he didn't mention that they would be sharing one single bed. Not that they minded.

5. Upset that he wasn't invited to the sleepover.

More Gideon after the break

Tony announces that he has recruited a new God Squad member. He probably means a gym buddy, or gym boyfriend, or gym buddy who he treats as a boyfriend

I can't give the last name of a non-actor, so I'll call him Zev Andros: an EMT, divemaster with the American Divers of Phuket, baseball player, and bodybuilder. I wonder if he can attest to the veracity of that "Cowboys Do It Better" cap.

Zev's grandfather was Charles Aidikoff (1915-2016). who ran a famous screening room on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. Movie stars, producers, and critics came to the 57-seat auditorium to see early versions and works in progress. eat the candy that he provided -- Mars Bars and Red Vines -- and exchange Hollywood gossip.

Charlie screened over 50,000 films between 1966 amd 2011, when his grandson Josh took over the screening room. It closed with his death in 2016.

His Facebook memorial page contains photos of him with Betty White, Raquel Welch, Peter Fonda, Danny DeVito, Mel Brooks, Ryan Gosling, Wes Bentley, Ice Cube, King Charles...well, everybody.

But let's get back to Bodybuilder Zev, who grew up in Phuket, the gay capital of Thailand, and now lives in Los Angeles. Some highlights of his social media pages:

Zev: "The posing room goes hard." I can see why, buddy.

"Fitness motivation." Yours, or ours?

More Zev after the break

Gemstones Season 1 Memes: Kelvin bottoms, Gideon falls in love, and Keefe checks for semen loads

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Kevin from Work: Tony Cavalero tries to steal Noah Reid's boyfriend. With random Colt model dicks

Kevin from Work is a ten-episode sitcom that aired on ABC Family in the fall of 2015. It got awful reviews centered on "raunchy jokes delivered by unsavory characters," but it's available for binging on Hulu if you're interested. I reviewed Episode 1.2 because it starred Tony Cavalero as a creepy gay guy.

The premise: Noah Reid plays Kevin, a nebbish who's been in love with a female coworker for years, but too chicken to say anything. He thinks he's being transferred to Italy, so he expresses his love in a grand gesture before leaving forever. Whoops, the transfer falls through. Now they have to continue working together...awkward!

Scene 1: Kevin gets a ride to work with his best friend, gym rat Brian (Matt Murray, below). He wonders about Don (Tony Cavalero), the guy in the back seat who is leering at him and invading his body space.

Best Friend Brian explains: "When you left me for Italy, I had to look after myself. You made me turn to the internet to find a friend. You search 'fit man seeking man,' you're going to find some crazy stuff."

The viewer is expected to interpret "crazy stuff" as "gay men," and sympathize with Brian. Creepy gay guys responded! He must have been horrified! But he just means that some of the guys who answered were not as fit as they claimed to be.

Creepy Don in the back seat points out that he and Brian are a good match, because he has only 2% body fat. "What's your body fat percentage, Kevin?" Jealous, Don?

Left: Mike Timber, a Colt model who Google Images thinks is cast member RogerTimber.

Kevin ignores him. He thinks he sees His Crush, whom he sent the awkward grand gesture to, and insists that they park in the back. We get a montage of their awkward close encounters as he tries to work in the office without running into her. "I could have lived a happy, fulfilled life if only I hadn't told her that I loved her!"

Scene 2: When Kevin catches a ride with Best Friend Brian the next day, Creepy Don isn't there. "He's at his mom's. I'm supposed to pick him up in an hour. We're going to the driving range, and then he's going to take me to his orthotics guy (foot doctor)." Rather a random series of events for Date Night.

Actually, Brian needs a way out: he isn't interested in Creepy Don anymore, now that Kevin is back: "You're my 100%." Awww. Now how do they dump the rebound boyfriend?

Scene 3: Best Friend Brian brings Creepy Don into the office, and asks Kevin to do the break-up: "Explain to him that we are reunited, and his friendship services are no longer required." That's not what you said in bed last night, Dude.

More after the break

In Karate Kid, 1984, the small, scrawny Danny, trained by the saintly Mr. Miyagi, uses the Power of Love to beat the much more muscular Johnny, trained by the evil Kreese.

Left: the butt of William Zabka, who played Johnny

The TV series Cobra Kai catches up with the former enemies 40 years later. Apparently they now run a dojo together. I reviewed Season 6 Episode 3, because it features Tony Cavalero

Scene 1: A party, maybe a baby shower, is going on, with two teenage boys -- one might be Brandon H. Lee -- saying "I don't think I'll ever get used to that" and somebody yelling about Anthony eating all the cannolis. She complains that he just flew in to kill someone, and has stayed for six months. So this is a crime family?

Out in the living room, a super-femme guy grabs some kind of beverage that looks like a jar of molasses, while his boyfriend complains that he's a drunk.

Wait -- Super-Femme Johnny is the father -- Hired Killer Anthony asks if he wants a boy or a girl. He doesn't care; he's so femme that he can relate to either.

Uh-oh, somebody delivered a box that's ticking! One of their enemies, maybe Silver or Kreese, must have sent a bomb!

Back in the kitchen, everyone hears an explosion: it was pink paint for the gender-reveal!

Wait -- super-femme guy is Johnny, William Zabka from the movie. He got swishy in his old age. And his boyfriend must be...Danny, Ralph Macchio!

Scene 2: In East Asia, a militarized dojang in a sculpted estate like a Hollywood drug lord. Enemy Kreese -- Martin Kove, still sneering -- brags about the discipline of his ninjas. Yoon, his best student, can break a board, but Sung, the rebel, can chop it in half. For his back-talk, he is assigned to clean the toilet.

Contrast with Femme Guy's more easy-going dojo. One of his students asks how, if they're so easy-going, they can compete in the big tournament "They're not. They're going to get their asses kicked." But it's all about having fun, right?

Meanwhile, Femme Guy is coaching the dojo students. Boyfriend comes in. Femme Guy tells him that his daughter fights like a pussy. No way they'll win the big tournament if the girls can't get their edge on. Boyfriend is not happy with this sexism, and tells him to get them ready anyhow.

Scene 3: Boyfriend is packing up Mr. Miyagi's stuff so the Assassin can move into his room. Moving the bed, he finds a secret compartment containing a mysterious chest!

More karate cock after the break

Michael O'Hearn (no connection to Brock O'Hurn) played the bodybuilder who harassed Adam on Workaholics, and for some reason didn't get cast as a member of Kelvin's God Squad. Recently he had a gym date with Tony Cavalero: "After an intense couple of weeks of flirting online, we went at it at the gym like true barbarians."

He specifies: "Tony brings the business in the front and the party in the back, and I don't just mean the hair." Funny, I always thought Tony was more into oral. But when you have Michael O'Hearn behind you, who's going to say no?

Tony returns the compliment: "Honored to have you annihilate my back! Such a blast bustin' some smut with you." How many ways can you make a gym workout sound like sex?

You might not want to see Mike's first star vehicle, Barbarian (2003): "An ancient land suffocates in the shadow of evil. A dark lord rules unopposed. One warrior will become legend. He is the Barbarian... the last great warrior king." Did anyone actually write a script, or did they watch a 1980s sword-and-sorcery movie and say "Here -- act this out."

The Keeper of Time (2004) is more of the same, with characters named Bullrock, Anu, Udo...and Daniel?

Then Mike moved into comedy, with roles on Workaholics, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Lab Rats, Mighty Meds, and Epic Rap Battles of History. Plus he performed on two seasons of American Gladiators, the beefcake game show, as Thor and Titan.

But his main career is in bodybuilding and modeling. 4 time Mr. Universe, 7 time Fitness Nake Model of the Year, 470 magazine covers. Plus the cover model for Topaz romance novels.

And a lot of humorous instagram posts.

I do the same thing. Leg day? What's leg day?

Super bulge from when Mike played a Superman parody.

Hulked out for American Gladiators.

Mike's size after the break

This is a collection of hot or humorous photos of Tony Cavalero, best known as Dewey on The School of Rock, Ozzie Ozbourne in Dirt, and Keefe on The Righteous Gemstones, with a few of his friends

1. "I'm ready for church."