Walker Satterwhite: Sorry, no movie or tv reviews, just beefcake photos and a Ryan Cooper cock

Usually I review the movie or tv show, then look for beefcake photos of the cast.  But in this case I couldn't find the tv show.  It was Day 5, about an epidemic that kills you when you fall asleep.  So, apparently, people try to find ways to stay awake. 

Here focus characters Jake, a meth head turned hero (Jesse C. Boyd) and a kid from the neighborhood (Walker Satterwhite) jump into a swimming pool.

 

They watch a porno starring the butt of Aaron Marcus

Pilot Aiden (Ryan Cooper) searches for the Sandman's Oasis, where sleep is possible,

Problem: I couldn't find the series. A google search for Day 5 led to 5 Days, about a kidnapped woman, Day 6, about the World Athletic Championships, or 6 Days, about a terrorist plot.  I had to search for "Day 5" and "Jesse C. Boyd" to determine that the series appeared on the Rooster Teeth website. Look, I already subscribe to Netflix, Vudu, Hulu, Disney Plus, MAX, and Amazon Prime,  That's enough

More problems after the break

NCIS: New Orleans: The "Quantum Leap" guy and the "Wings" guy are kidnapped by the "Oz" guy. And they're all nekkid!

 

I don't usually watch crime dramas, but I need more reviews of James Dumont's work, and he stars in "Father's Day," Episode of 2.14 of NCIS: New Orleans: "Pride and Mayor Douglas are abducted from their Mardi Gras events."  Does Pride mean Gay Pride? Nope, it's the last name of Scott Bakula's character (left).   

Scene 1: A big Mardi Gras party full of heterosexual couples, the men in fancy tuxedos.  Sleazoid Mayor (Steve Weber) takes the stage and says a few words while eyeing a lady in a red dress.  He congratulates his chief of staff, Tom (James Dumont), for being married to such an incredibly hot woman. Pay attention to that necklace.  It will become important later.  He then follows the Lady in Red out into the hall, quoting Oscar Wilde: "I can resist anything except temptation." His staff groans: not another one!  The hookup wants to have sex right there in the hallway.

Meanwhile, Pride is told that he must go out back for a liquor delivery (he must own the place).  He goes, not at all suspicious, and gets tranquilizer darted. 

Scene 2: They both wake up tied to chairs while a mysterious Masked Figure peers at them. Sleazoid Mayor wonders if his hookup was an accomplice (ya think?).   But Figure ain't talking. 

Meanwhile, out on the street, everyone is waiting for Sleazoid Mayor to shake the hand of the Mardi Gras Parade King.  Where is he? Agent LaSalle (Lucas Black) points out that Mardi Gras began in Alabama, not New Orleans, and gets yelled at.  

Uh-oh, there's a drugged security guard (Chris McKenna) and a dead Marine inside the party venue (a hotel, not a bar).   The Security Guard saw the Sleazoid Mayor's Hookup running past after he was darted. And the dead Marine was darted, too.

(NCIS is the Naval Crime Investigation Service, they have to have a dead sailor or marine in there somewhere)

Eventually they figure out that the Mayor and Pride have both been kidnapped.

Scene 3: The victims try to bargain with the Masked Figure. Mayor: "I got a lot of rich friends.  They can get you anything you want." Pride: "I'm a NCIS Agent!" (I thought he was a bar owner.  Side gig?).

Mysterious Figure starts recording them, and tells them that they are here "To confess." 

Scene 4:  The tech guy found no terrorist chatter or threatening messages aimed at the Mayor or Pride. He starts working on a partial license plate number provided by an eyewitness.  Meanwhile, the agents reason that it's Mardi Gras, the streets are clogged, so the kidnapper couldn't have gone far.  They must be holding the guys near the party venue.

Left: Chris McKenna's backside.

Scene 5:   Back at the party, rich white people are dancing ludicrously. The Agents grab the Mayor's Hookup (identifiable because she's the only Lady in Red).  Why didn't she scram after hoodwinking the Mayor?

Her story: a guy said he was playing a prank on the Mayor, his old fraternity brother, and paid her $500 to get him alone.  Wait -- how did she know for sure that the Mayor would choose her for his hookup?  If he latched onto someone else, the whole plan would be ruined.

Scene 6: Masked Figure takes off his
mask (then why did he wear it?).  Pride recognizes him: Mike Spar (Lee Tergesen).  His story: 25 years ago, his wife went to a frat party at this hotel, and the Mayor murdered her!   Then Pride covered it up, telling Mike that Wife killed herself. And the Mayor's fraternity brothers, who testified that it was a suicide, have all gotten cushy jobs in his administration.  Aha!  I knew it would be a Dead Wife!  Oldest and most over-used motive in the book!  .

Pride claims that he just responded to a suicide call; he had nothing to do with any cover-up. Mayor claims that he was not at the party at all, but Mike has a picture of him there. Ulp!  He's been lying about it, and paying off his frat brothers, for 25 years.

More dicks and butts after the break

Theo James: Why is he naked all the time, and has he done anything gay-positive?

 

In White Lotus Season 2, Cameron and Ethan (Theo James, Will Sharpe) and their wives visit the Italian resort, and start flirting with every woman in sight, plus each other. In Episode 4, Cameron even says "I want to be inside you.  I want to do stuff to you."  But it is just queerbaiting; the two never lock lips.  In fact, they hate each other.

You could probably figure that White Lotus, well known for its shocking homophobia, would never portray an actual gay romance.  After all, it was created and written by Mike White, aka The Devil. 

But Theo James is not personally homophobic; he has been interviewed an a dozen gay magazines, he wants to play a gay action-adventure hero, and he was in the running to play gay pop star George Michael.  Let's check his previous work for gay roles.

The Time Traveler's Wife (2022) features (straight) lovers stymied by the guy's frequent involuntary time slips.  Heterosexuals all the way down, although it does give us some nice rear and frontal nudity.

Sanditon (2019-22) is an adaption of a novel that Jane Austen left unfinished at her death in 1817. There is actually a gay character, outed in the second season. Theo plays Sidney Parker, whom focus character Charlotte love/hates with the "He's arrogant!" trope.  

In the animated Castlevania (2018-21), Theo plays Hector, whose plot is propelled by that horribly cliched Dead Wife Trope.  

Archive (2020)?  Another guy with a Dead Wife, who he tries to recreate with an android.  Yawn.  I'm beginning to think that it will be tired cliches as well as heterosexuals  all the way down.  Are the butts and dicks worth the trouble?

Lying and Stealing (2019)? Caper romance between two thieves.

How it Ends (2018)?  "In the midst of an Apocalypse, a man struggles to reach his pregnant fiance, who is a thousand miles away." That's actually the motive behind about half of the characters on The Walking Dead: "I'm looking for my wife!"

Before The White Lotus, Theo was most famous for the Divergent series, four movies set in a teen dystopia where people are classified according to their primary virtue: Candor, Dauntless, Erudite, Abnegation, and Amity.  He plays Four, a Dauntless instructor who romances focus character Beatrice. 

Ok, let's try Theo's future projects.  In the upcoming The Gentleman (2024), he plays Eddie Halsted, who inherits his father's estate without realizing that it is the front for a drug empire.  And he...falls in love...with...

I give up.

Bonus: Theo dick after the break

Mario Lopez: The hottest celebrity, nicest celebrity, or both? With bonus bulge, butt, and possibly more

I first saw Mario Lopez on March 14, 1987, on an episode of The Golden Girls  He played one of Dorothy's students who is in danger of being deported to Mexico.  He was fourteen years old, but he already had the hair, the dimples, and the impish smile that made you want to smile back. It was impossible to be in a bad mood while looking at that smile.

The beefcake came later -- when Mario played A.C. Slater, the sullen working-class athlete who paired with smooth-talking operator Zack Morris on Saved by the Bell and Saved by the Bell: The College Years (1989-1993).  Why wasn't his character Hispanic? Because nearly the only Hispanic characters on tv had names like Drug Dealer #1.

Mario broke away from teen hunk-types with the homoerotic (but gay-free) horror movie The Journey: Absolution (1997).  His character was not Hispanic.

In 1997, he played gay athlete Greg Louganis in Breaking the Surface: The Greg Louganis Story.  Playing a gay character was quite brave in the 1990s; Hollywood insiders warned that it would end his career.

But he went on to play Dr. Mike Hamoui on Nip/Tuck (2008-2010), getting naked in the shower room and causing unexplainable longings in the ostensibly heterosexual plastic surgeons.

And lots more.  I could post a thousand beefcake photos of Mario Lopez, but really, there aren't many people in the world who aren't familiar with his physique.  It's the most photographed in Hollywood.  Maybe that's why he has been mostly playing himself lately.

But I'm still fixated on that smile.  Has anyone ever seen Mario not smiling, except when he's acting on screen?  He even smiles at the papparazzi who follow him on his morning jogs.

For that matter, has Mario ever said a bad word about anyone?  Has anyone ever said a bad word about him? (Ok, I criticized him for making a heterosexist statement on his website, but he has certainly made up for it by being a long-term gay ally.)

He's on lots of lists of "Hottest Celebrities," just below Adam Devine, but he probably should be on the list of "Nicest Celebrities," too.

Gemstone connection: Both Mario and Tony Cavalero have cooked with Corey B.

In case you haven't seen them for awhile, there are some Mario butts and bulges (and maybe one dick) after the break.

"Mosaic" Episode 1.3: Two gay guys, a murder, a dead alligator, and Pee Wee Herman. With some nude dudes.

In Mosaic (2017), con artist Eric (Frederick Weller) has been convicted of murdering his latest con victim, famous children's author Olivia Lake.  His sister Petra thinks he's innocent, and begins investigating the other men in Olivia's life: "she liked to surround herself with young guys." 

First up: Joel (Garrett Hedlund, here entertaining his boyfriend in On The Road), an aspiring artist who used to live on Olivia's property.  

He's not a suspect -- he was at a 10:00 pm showing of The Hobbit with male friend at the time of the murder.  Or was he?  Maybe the boyfriend lied to protect him.   Wait -- male friend?  Is this guy gay?

Cut to Joel living a "normal" life in backwoods Slidell, Louisiana, running a company called Big Bayou Gator Guides. He motors a man and his two kids (James, Kelton, and Sinclair Dumont) into the swamp to look at alligators.  Scratch that -- he helps Kelton shoot one!   

Violent rite of passage, I guess.  Then he helps them pack the meat into a chest marked "Not for Sale," and gives them the name of a taxidermist. 

Petra intrudes upon Joel's alligator-skull-filled shop with questions about her brother and the dead author: "Look, I hardly knew him!" he exclaims. I heard that before.  Were they dating?  Joel is living with a guy.  He is definitely gay.

Nope.  I shouldn't watch these episodes out of order.  In Episode 1, Olivia the famous author and her gay bestie JC (Paul Reubens) compete for the attention of handsome bartender Joel.  He chooses the old lady over the old dude.  Plus he hooked up with a girl on New Year's Eve.  So he's straight.

But there's more gay content: Petra and Joel investigate the "story walk" with pop-ups from Olivia's book, Whose Woods These Are.  When he lived on her property, Joel used to take walks there, and one night he stumbled upon two guys going at it.  One turns out to be Cameron, the chief suspect. 

Two gay guys, and one isn't even a suspect! I may have to watch the rest of this.  

In the meantime, here's Garrett Hedlund's butt.

And a frontal of James Ransome, who plays Olivia's uber-rich neighbor and best friend.

See also: James and Kelton Dumont Cute/Cuddly Photos, Part 1

Nude Photos of Kelton Dumont

Kelton Dumont in his birthday suits

Dad/son actors James and Kelton Dumont and their hunky costars and hung heartthrobs

Leonardo DiCaprio: Nude photos of Arthur Rimbaud, Howard Hughes, the Great Gatsby, and Elijah Wood's good buddy

 

I watch mostly comedy and science fiction, and Leonardo DiCaprio doesn't do much of either, so I've only seen a few of his movies: Romeo x Juliet, Inception, The Great Gatsby, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.  But I've heard of many: they win Critic Association awards, get discussed on first dates, end up on top of people's "my favorite movie" lists

He is not a beefcake star, but a surprising number of his film appearances involve nudity.

In 1994, playing Arthur Rimbaud in Total Eclipse, Leo gave us full frontal and rear shots. (Don't worry, he's over 18 here).

Rimbaud was gay, lover of established poet Paul Verlaine, and author of one of  my favorite poems, "The Drunken Boat."  But I never saw the movie because both of the poets repent, turn straight, and get girlfriends.

Playing a troubled youth in The Basketball Diaries (1995).  Leo is on the far right.

More Leo after the break

Vice Principals, Episode 3.5: Gamby dates a high school boy, and gay rumors destroy your life

 I'm reviewing Vice Principals Episode 3.5 because a casual viewing revealed a strong, if rather discomforting, gay subtext and a lot of homophobia.

Scene 1: Lee (Walton Goggins), scheming principal of North Jackson High, and his wife Christine are having dinner in a restaurant. He is being dismissive and controlling.  Suddenly Kevin Yoon (Keong Sim, below) appears -- they haven't seen him since college!  He barely acknowledges Lee while gazing with absurdly overacted "girl of my dreams" longing at Christine.  He explains: "I had a bit of a rough time in college, with the rumors, but after counseling I got my life together.  I have a wife and kids."  What rumors destroy your life and require counseling? Sexual assault of a minor?

Christine promises to "friend" him on Facebook and keep in touch, which makes Lee roil with jealousy.

Scene 2: On the way home in the car, we learn that Christine was dating Kevin Yoon, so Lee told her that he was gay, and she dumped him. Why didn't she ask Kevin about it? Maybe Lee was lying, or maybe Kevin was bi and still interested in her.  

The rumor spread around and destroyed his life. Christine is upset because "wife and kids" -- he's straight! Or bi, girlfriend.   She could have married him and had a happy life, instead of being stuck with a man she hates. This is utterly ridiculous.  Did they go to college in 1958?  Was it Hate-Gays University?  How homophobic does McBride think that American society is?

Scene 3:  Vice Principal Gamby (Danny McBride) in the high school parking lot, trying to figure out who shot him in the Season 1 finale.  Jen (Edi Patterson), a teacher with an absurdly unstable crush on him, asks him to be her date at Lee's big birthday party.  He refuses. The lesbian security guard comments that she has a nice body: "I'd fuck her."

Scene 4: The guys on exercise bikes.  Lee suggests that Gamby bring "a hot-ass woman" to his big birthday party, to make his crush jealous and get her to fall in love with him. That strategy usually works in junior high.   But Gamby has another strategy: he's going to prove that he's "a charitable man."

Scene 5: Gamby marches into the restroom, where the delinquent Robin is smoking with his buds.  Earlier he was expelled for having drugs in his locker (which Gamby planted), but now he's back, and Gamby wants to redeem him (for his own selfish ends).  He orders Robin to come to the party as his date: "you're going to show everyone there that I made a positive impact on your life and made you a better human being." 

"But I don't want to go to your stupid pedo party!"  Well, technically it's ephebophile, adult erotic interest in adolescents.

Gamby calls him a "whore," and offers to pay him. Adolescent male prostitution.  This gets worse and worse. "You will be polite, you will be cordial, and you will wear this nice outfit I bought you."

Scene 6: Before the party, Lee is ordering around the caterers and being a jackass to Christine, while she forlornly scrolls through Kevin Yoon's social media, thinking of the life she could have had if only she hadn't dumped him the moment Lee said the g-word.  Imagine that conversation: "Your boyfriend is gay." "WHAT? I'm so disgusted, I never want to see him again! Are you free tomorrow night?"

Lee catches her scrolling and shoves a pill in her mouth without her consent.  

Scene 7: Gamby arrives at Robin's slovenly hovel to pick him up for their date.  His mother is nonchalant about it. Apparently adult men often drop by the house to take Robin out on dates.  Robin isn't wearing the outfit Gamby bought him.  He lays down the law:   "If you embarrass me tonight, I will snap your fucking neck.  Now let's go have fun at this party."  Aww, they're already acting like a couple.

Scene 8:  The party.  Extremely heteronormative: the lesbian security guard is dancing with a man, and the gay-vague drama teacher is dancing with a woman. No same-sex couples, except of course Gamby and Robin:  Arm-on-back affection and calling Robin "handsome" as Gamby introduces him around.  They're really making this look like a real date. 

Robin, who appears in seven episodes, is played by Alexandra McVicker.  She transitioned after Vice Principals, so some of her other work and the VP fan wiki still list her as "Conner."  A trans woman playing a possibly-gay high school boy?  Interesting dynamic. 

Scene 9:  Lee orders Christine around; she passively-aggressively ignores him and gets drunk  Wait -- he drugged you.  If it was an opiate, you could die.   He wants to know why she is acting so weird.  Then Kevin Yoon shows up.  Lee has a fit, but Christine invited him, so he's not leaving.  Lee asks the lesbian security guard to kick him out (sorry, her name is never given, and she is not listed on the wikipedia cast list).  

So she accosts him in the bathroom and threatens to rough him up unless he leaves.

Scene 10:  Looking for a secluded spot to smoke marijuana, Robin finds the master bedroom.  Christine is there, sitting on the floor, drunk and miserable because she's married to Lee instead of Kevin Yoon.  They share a joint.  Are they going to make out to demonstrate that Robin is actually straight?

More after the break

The American Society of Magical Negroes: criticizing white entitlement, or erasing gay people from the world?

 

Members of marginalized groups -- racial minorities, religious minorities, women, and LGBT people -- are often stereotyped as mystical.  They may be presented as superstitious (the Italian "evil eye") or psychic (women's intuition), but sometimes they have fully-formed paranormal powers. like the "magical Negro" who zaps around time and space to help the white protagonist. There's a helpful Wikipedia page with dozens of recent examples: Bruce Almighty, Hitch, Sex and the City, The Dark Knight, The Matrix, The Martian, The Green Book, La La Land and Aladdin.   According to the conflict theory of criminology, the ruling class promotes these stereotypes deliberately, to justify the groups' lack of power and wealth -- they "can't function" in the hard, logical, materialistic world of goverment and business.

The American Society of Magical Negroes (2024) presents this stereotype as real. Aren (Justice Smith) is recruited into an Illuminati-like society of African-Americans with paranormal powers, which they use to control world events.  He is assisted by his white best friend (Drew Tarver).  Justice Smith is gay and Drew Tarver is bi, so this movie has to be LGBTQ-friendly.  

But, whenever possible, I watch trailers and read plot synopses before watching a movie, to check for nasty surprises like queerbaiting or deathbed scenes. 

Scene 1: Aren sees a lot of people standing in line outside a building, and is zapped into a magical space.  A woman says "I know you can feel their discomfort," as he sees a half-naked white girl looking at him.   He walks through a giant gallery space while white people stare at him.  The woman: "Watching you walk through a roomful of white people is the most painful thing I've ever seen."

Scene 2: David Alan Grier recruits him into the American Society of Magical Negroes.  We see a lot of classrooms where students are learning to use their powers, sort of like Hogwarts. Then Grier transports him to a streetcorner and asks "What's the most dangerous animal on the planet?"  The answer: "White people, when they feel uncomfortable."  Gemstone connection: Tim Baltz plays a white cop who feels uncomfortable upon encountering two black guys.

Grier continues: The job of the society is fight white discomfort, because the happier they are, the safer we are."  I thought they were like the Illuminati, controlling governments. 

I can see not wanting to get shot, but is it really the black person's responsibility to make white people feel comfortable?  If they feel uncomfortable, isn't it on them?  Maybe I'm being over-optimistic, but shouldn't the society be fighting the institutional racism that internalizes the stereotypes and results in perceiving the black person as a potential threat?

Scene 3: Aren becomes the coworker of his first client, Jason (Drew Tarver).  They bond over pingpong and video games.  He also meets his Love Interest. Unfortunately, Jason thinks that he is trying to set them up.  Drama! Hey, Drew Tarver is bi, and plays gay guys all the time.  Why is he straight here?  Boo!

The boss gets mad, too, because Aren won't be able to concentrate on making Jason comfortable with black people if he's busy courting Love Interest.  They're already best friends; he looks pretty comfortable.  

Scene 4: Well, Love Interest is white, so why take on her as a client instead  She seemed fine, too.  Aren goes all out on his courtship.  Scenes of the two falling in love, while the boss warns that he could have his memory erased for breaking society rules.  Meanwhile the motto of the movie splashes across the screen: "Some connections are stronger than magic." 

Will I Watch:  Heck no.  I'm interested in the political implications of "making white people comfortable" as a social movement agenda, but this movie is actually just a regular heterosexist heterosexual romance, with the magical stuff just added to create a "forbidden love" drama.   And it's heterosexuals all the way down, to make sure that straight viewers don't feel uncomfortable. How ironic is that?

Bonus dicks after the break