I have never heard any of the songs of the 1980s band Motley Crue, but I've heard their names and a lot of gossip. Did Tommy Lee post a home-made porno that showed his enormous cock? Did he date Barbara from One Day at a Time? Did Ozzy Osbourne bite the heads off bats? Did Lisa Simpson play Nikki Six on a parody episode of The Simpsons?. Were any of them gay?
Other than Google, there's one way to find out: watch the biopic The Dirt on Netflix.
Scene 1: The narrator tells us that the 1980s was the worst fucking decade in human history.
Wait -- I loved the 80s, at least the last half. I was a young adult, living in West Hollywood, the heart of the gay world. Sunday brunch at the French Quarter. Sunday afternoon beer busts at the Faultline. Cruising at Mugi. The Different Light Bookstore. The Greenery.
Just indulge me. I'll get to back to the review in a moment.
Madonna. Prince. Michael Jackson. Laura Branigan Dynasty. Moonlighting. Who's the Boss.
Lunch with Michael J. Fox. Coffee with Richard Dreyfuss. An Oscar party with Keanu Reeves. John Amos naked at the gym. AIDS Walks. Christopher Street West.
Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, but to be young was very heaven!
Oh well, back to what the narrator hated about the 80s: preppies, keyboards, stupid haircuts, jazzercise, "Just say no." Well, the Reagans were pretty vile.
"So we four misfits made the fucking decade ours by going to Whiskey A-Go-Go." Five blocks north of my apartment in West Hollywood, but I never went because it was reputedly way homophobic. Also it was up a very steep hill.
"And then bringing the party back to our place," Endless male-female couples smooching.
He introduces the misfits:
1. Tommy Lee (Colson Baker, top photo), who demonstrates how to do oral sex on a lady (yes, we see her privates).
2. The narrator, Nikki Six (Douglas Booth), who has set his arm on fire (wait -- I thought Nikki Six was a girl).
3, In the bathroom, Vince Neil (Daniel Weber, left) is fucking a girl (we see her breasts)
4. Mick Mars (Iwan Rheon) is sleeping.
That's all four. Where's Ozzy Osbourne? He must join the band later.
Back in the main party, a woman who has been getting cunnilingis pees explosively, Or does something else. I don't know what comes out of lady parts, and I don't want to know. I've seen more of them in the last five minutes than in the last 20 years, and it is not pleasant. I'm out.
I resort to Google after the break
