Gemstones Season 1 Memes: Kelvin bottoms, Gideon falls in love, and Keefe checks for semen loads

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Gemstones Season 1 Finale: Judy and Kelvin begin to heal, Scotty joins the family, and we say goodbye with some random dicks

Showrunner Danny McBride has stated that he wants every season of his programs to tell a complete story: no callbacks to previous seasons, and no cliffhangers.  By the finale, every plotline has been resolved and every character development arc has been concluded.  He also hates downbeat endings, so the season finale tells us that "they lived happily ever after"  

In The Righteous Gemstones Season 1, the primary plot featured Gideon betraying the family, first by blackmailing Jesse over the tape of his sex-and-drugs party, then by planning to steal the Easter offerings from the church. He also betrayed Scotty by failing to acknowledge their romantic bond.  Secondary plots involved Eli butting heads with Rev. Seasons over his church expansion, and Kelvin and Judy dealing with obstacles in their relationships.  The finale ties all of the plotlines into a single theme: forgiveness.

Back in Freeman's Gap :  Church. In his sermon, Eli describes his visit to Aimee-Leigh's childhood home, where he interacted with her spirit.  Cut to a flashback of the siblings collecting the money that Baby Billy and Tiffany stole from Scotty's van.

He continues: "We move through this world, crossing paths with friends, family...and I believe that the goal of all that colliding is to make us appreciate one another, to find empathy." Shots of Martin, Mandy (Chad's wife), and Chad, sitting far away from her. 

Rev. Seasons is redeemed: Cut to a flashback of Rev. Seasons  (Dermot Mulroney) working in a hardware store (Baptist churches are autonomous, so if one closes you don't automatically get placed elsewhere). Eli offers him a job as pastor of the satellite church that Baby Billy abandoned. Rev. Seasons was a secondary Big Bad, but Eli stole his flock, so we are not sure who needs forgiveness more.

"If you're not rooting for your enemy's salvation, you are not in line with what the Spirit wants."  Shots of Dot Nancy and her parents, BJ, Keefe (working security again), Martin's wife, a couple I don't recognize, and Jesse's crew (Matthew, Gregory, and Levi).  Notice that BJ and Keefe are linked, structurally presented as the partners of Judy and Kelvin.  They won't begin sitting together until Season 3. 

Scotty is redeemed: "Aimee-Leigh knew this. That's why she wanted to help, no matter what."  Shot of the spirit of Aimee-Leigh sitting in the congregation, glowing in ethereal light, with Scotty beside her. 

He looks more bemused than happy, surprised that he has been forgiven, wondering how he came to be sitting here, after all the pain he caused Gideon and the Gemstone family.  Remember that both BJ and Keefe had to suffer symbolic deaths before they could unite with their partners.  Did Scotty, in death, become Gideon's partner?  

Maybe, in spite of his machinations, posturing, criticism, and threats, in spite of the hints of abuse, this is what Scotty wanted all along.  After all, the goal of the two schemes was to draw Gideon away from his family so they could spend their lives together. Maybe he couldn't admit it to himself, so it came out in random bursts, like calling Gideon "cute," taking him out on dates, and finally admitting, just before his death, that "you broke my heart."  Aimee Leigh helped him understand what he needed, what he wanted, and she has made him a Gemstone.

Baby Billy grifts: "For when you forgive other people when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will forgive you."  Cut to Baby Billy and Tiffany selling their new gimmick, pictures of his trip to heaven. I guess they haven't been redeemed yet. 

Kelvin and Judy start to heal: "How we navigate this life,  and each other, is what defines us, and what leads us on the path to healing."  Cut to Judy and Kelvin in makeup, getting ready to perform, smiling. 

Before this season, the siblings spend their lives crippled by the traumas of their past. Unable to believe that they were worthy of being loved, they sabotaged every potential relationship, Judy by defining herself soley as a sexual being, and Kelvin by denying that he was a sexual being at all.  In this season they found partners who loved them in spite of their spitefulness, selfishness, and general craziness, in spite of Judy's obsession with the phallus and Kelvin's fear of it.  Forgiven, redeemed, they have started on the road to healing.   

The conclusion and cocks after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.7: Keefe is in love, Gideon is bi, Scotty is hard, and everyone s*ks dick. With bonus Thai guys.

 

In Episode 1.6, after the blackmail plot fell through, Gideon and Scotty came up with a plan to steal the $3,000,000 in offerings that the church receives during the Easter service.  Gideon had doubts, but then Scotty showed up at his parents' house, pretending to be a friend visiting from California! 

Title: "And yet one of you is a devil."  From John 6.70. Jesus is complaining that he chose 12 disciplines, and one will betray him.  I guess we know who the devil is.

Prayer Power: A flashback to the Prayer Power Convention in Atlanta.  Gideon comes into the hotel room, upset: he was planning to have dinner with his Dad, but Jesse ditched him to play drinking games with his crew.  Jesse insults him, ridicules his upcoming internship and "California dreams," and orders him out.  On the way, Gideon sets his camera to take the video he would use for blackmailing.  So he didn't run away; the family knew that he had an intership set up. Why did Jesse act as if it was a big mystery.

Whoa, listen to the background song as Gideon walks down the hall: "You and me were meant to be."  He and Scotty are canonical boyfriends!

Gideon the soul-winner: In the present, Scotty is having dinner with the family.  He explains that he came to South Carolina for a stunt job, but he "got banged up" and had to drop out.  Then he says that he came to see Gideon, who brought him to Christ. The family is so overjoyed that the "prodigal son" has become a soul-winner that no one notices the contradictions.

Uh-oh, Jesse recognizes Scotty from somewhere!  His cover is almost blown, but Scotty claims that he had a recurring role as a rapist on CSI Miami.  Rapist -- interesting choice, since CSI is about murder (you gather forensic evidence from the crime scene).  Scotty is painting himself as a sexual predator.  I wonder if Gideon is his latest victim.

Amber insists that he stay with them. Gideon protests, but Scotty touches his hand, and he consents.  So, Scotty, do you want a guest room, or would you prefer to share Gideon's bed?

We cut to a scene of Eli giving the siblings their Easter assignments; Judy will sing during the collection, Jesse will preach the sermon, and Kelvin has to lead a youth group song and dance number, which angers him (he's the youth minister; what did he expect?)

Shirt on, shirt off:  In the morning, Scotty and Gideon stop at the security station on their way out of the compound.  Hey, Scotty has his arm on Gideon's shoulder.   Everybody who sees them will think that they are a romantic couple.   Scotty flirts with security guard  Brock: "If you get to L.A., I'll get you an agent."  But he needs head shots, shirtless shots, and so on.  This is way more than Scotty needs to get access to the compound.  He just wants to see Brock naked.  

I'm gonna be rock-hard: Cut to the guys having dinner (score: three dinners for Scotty/Gideon, none for Kelvin/Keefe).  They discuss the plan: on Sunday morning, after the offering is counted, Gideon and Martin will take it down the service elevator to the vault.  Scotty will be waiting, wearing his devil's mask, and rob them.  How will he get out of the church, with thousands of people milling about?

"As soon as the elevator door opens," he promises, "I'm gonna be rock-hard."  

"Nothing too big," Gideon cautions.  He can't help his size, dude.

To make it believable and not implicate Gideon, Scotty suggests tying him up, and using a few P-whips. This term is not defined online.  Could it mean penis-whip?

Scotty has more news: He got the sex tape fixed, so he can do the original blackmail plan in addition to robbing the church. "This is what you always wanted," he says. "We destroy your old man."  Gideon is not so sure that he wants Jesse destroyed.

Tell TJ to walk out: Cut to Judy announcing to Baby Billy that they will be performing during the Easter service. But Baby Billy doesn't want to: "too little, too late."  BJ protests, and Billy orders him to leave.  Judy agrees: "You're making me look like an idiot.  Go outside!"  Uh-oh, disrespecting your boyfriend.  Since the Kelvin/Keefe plot runs parallel, we should be expecting some discord in their relationship soon.

Billy continues: "Your Daddy is a fame whore.  He'd suck a man's cock in the middle of town square if he thought it would make him famous forever. He'd suck ten men's cocks."  Being outed as gay or bi is the most embarrassing thing Billy can think of. This may suggest a general attitude of homophobia that will make Kelvin's coming out difficult.

Part of the Family: Jesse takes everyone  out on his yacht.  Scotty complements the family on how close they are,  His own dad is in prison.  Jesse offers to be his Daddy, and hugs him.  Eli never once hugged Keefe.  Of course, it's just an act; Scotty waggles his tongue at Gideon over Jesse's shoulder, a vulgar gesture similar to what Keefe experienced at the sports bar.  Wait -- is he teasing Gideon, or offering to have oral sex with him?

Is it all an act?  Scotty seems to like being part of the family.  The background song tells him: 

The days are getting brighter – the sunlight feels like gin.

Juices punch and cider shiver deep within

You don’t have to be alone, when we’re having so much fun.

Don’t be alone

The Prayer Circle: Just before the Easter service (17,000 people in the Salvation Center, six million world wide), Eli, the siblings, their partners, and Martin have a prayer circle, Kelvin/Keefe are holding hands and praying.  Scotty is holding Keefe's hand and glaring.  Why isn't he standing next to Gideon, his "friend"? 

I Have to Be a Man:  We see a few moments of Levi's Christian rock number, then switch to Kelvin leading the teens in their song-and-dance.    Keefe, working security in the bleachers, seems to be making an "I love you" gesture. 

Meanwhile, Gideon is in the bathroom, throwing up, and Judy rejects Eli's offer of singing during the offertory.

Cut to Judy's dressing room.  She criticizes BJ for asking if she's ok.  He counters that he is not even religious, but he has always been there for her.  She continues to berate him for attempting emotional support until he's had enough and leaves: "I have to stand up for myself.  I have to be a man." He starts crying and runs away. Judy throws her engagement ring after him.  .

"What is a man?" is an ongoing question of the season.  It was discussed in Gideon's "welcome home" dinner.  Kelvin declares that he is "a man" frequently.  The definitions are contradictory: being muscular; controlling your emotions; being in charge; standing up for yourself; being heterosexual.  Maybe we'll get a resolution when the episode continues.

My Gay Son: While the opening numbers are going on upstairs, Gideon decides to "come clean."  Except Jesse thinks he means being gay, and exclaims "I love my gay son."  Before Gideon has a chance to respond, Martin drags him away.  There has been no indication to this point (or ever during the series) that Gideon is straight.  Maybe viewers are supposed to conclude that he actually is gay, thus drawing attention from Kelvin and Keefe.

Cut to Jesse's sermon: We hear a lot about Christ's suffering, but what about the suffering of Judas?  Most people think that he was driven by evil, "perhaps guided by the devil himself," but maybe he was driven by pain. Imagine his agony, knowing that he had betrayed his friends and loved ones.  

The most obvious parallel here is Gideon betraying his Dad, guided by Scotty (wearing his Devil mask), driven by pain rather than evil.  But what about Scotty? Isn't he betraying his friend by forcing him to participate in this wild robbery scheme?

Feeling guilty, Gideon decides to back out of the plot; he ditches Martin and the money, and goes down the service elevator alone to explain.  Scotty is irate, and starts insulting him.  Gideon has had enough of his abuse..  They fight.  Scotty puts him in a sleeper hold saying "Go to sleep, you little cute cock sucker." Interesting choice of words.  If he just said "cock sucker," it might be an all-purpose slur, but adding "little" and "cute" implies that the two have actually had oral sex.  

Gideon eventually manages to best Scotty and walk away, calling him a fraud.  You are not who you pretend to be: this will be repeated later, with Kelvin and Keefe.   Scotty pulls a gun, but can't bring himself to shoot his friend.  

In case you aren't familiar with Eli's and Gideon's practice, this photo demonstrates the standard position for dates and romantic partners.  For hookups, the guy usually stands, and you drop to your knees.

Two at once is difficult, and not recommended for beginners.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.2: Thai ladyboys, Italian shoes, Palestinian dicks, a rattle snake, and the Devil's testicle

Episode 1.2 continues the plot arc of Jesse confronting the blackmailers who have a video of his sex-and-drugs party. 

 

Title: "Is this the man who made the Earth tremble?" From Isaiah 14.15: Everyone is amazed at the fall of the King of Babylon. Here we're looking at the fall of Eli Gemstone.

The Ladyboys of Thailand:  The red van in the deserted parking lot.  The head blackmailer, Scotty, wearing a scary devil mask, is talking with his companions, a woman named Lucy and an unidentified man.  He dismisses the  misconception that Thailand is all about ladyboys "hanging out of windows with their cocks in their panties." But: Thailand also has great food, great beaches, "and we're going to be taller than everyone else." 

The ladyboys or kathoey of Thailand have male-coded sexual characteristics but present as feminine.  They were traditionally called a third gender, but with the globalization of Western LGBT identities, they are more likely today to identify as femme gay men or trans women.  Scotty's statement suggests that he is into ladyboys, but his companions are not, so he is trying to convince them that Thailand has other attractions, too.

The siblings arrive and drop the bags of money in front of the van.  Scotty gets out to pick it up and -- Jesse attacks!  Lucy, wearing a scary baby mask, shoots at them.  They jump back into their car and run over Scotty, and then Lucy, when she rushes to his aid. The third blackmailer takes off his mask: it's a young man played by Skyler Gisondo.  

The Young Man yells "Scotty!" and runs up and cuddles him like a lover!  They are obviously boyfriends.He helps Scotty up, and they carry Lucy to the van and drive away. 

Scotty thinks that Lucy is dead, so they try to throw the corpse down a hill.  But she's alive!

Did it really happen?:  The next day, the siblings return to the parking lot.  There is no evidence of the blackmailers.  Jesse suggests that it was never real to begin with, and Judy, "a spiritual test that we had to overcome."  Kelvin thinks it was real, but the others criticize him for "projecting negativity."  

The next order of business: how should they divvy up the money Judy stole from the church: give it all back (Kelvin) or give half back and split the rest (Jesse). Why do these people need money?  Aren't they, like, rich? Maybe Daddy controls everything, and gives them an allowance.

Suddenly Kelvin jumps out of the car.  Jesse scoffs that he wants to buy a new pair of 22s, custom shoes hand-crafted by Gabe Apodaca in Italy, keying into his gay-coded fashion obsession.  But he's actually noticed a security camera: they could get the van's license plate number!

Lucy has what Scotty needs: At the hospital, Scotty and the Young Man discuss what to tell Lucy about the hill  She's "all fucked up," but Scotty  wants to see her anyway, because she can make him cum. 

He waits for the Young Man to offer a blow job instead, but he doesn't. 

Psych!  Scotty isn't planning on sex after all: he puts her in a wheelchair, and exclaims "We're getting out of here.!"  (Butt shot: his hospital gown is open in the back) Why did Scotty tell the Young Man that he wanted sex with Lucy?  Apparently to make him jealous, but of who?  Lucy, Scotty, or both?

"Did you just blow a kiss at me?": Cut to Jesse discovering that his wife and kids are still in contact with the runaway Gideon.  They even have good news: he just got cast in a Netflix movie; "he's doing well in LA, following his dreams."  Pontius repeats "Hollywood" in a sultry voice, then blows Jesse a kiss, teasing that Gideon is gay.  

Jesse wants to know how they dare to contact him when he "snipped our nuts." Why is moving to California like castrating your father?  

 

The New Threat: Scotty, Lucy, and the Young Man are eating Chinese food at a cheap hotel.  But wasn't she on life support? The hard drive containing the video is ruined, and they don't have a backup. The blackmail plot has failed. Scotty and Lucy blame each other. 

We cut to Jesse forcing his crew to go into the Rimtyme, a real Charleston-area store that sells custom tires and rims, to get the security cam footage.  But the manager doesn't believe their made-up story, and they return empty-handed.  

They return, knock over tire displays, assault the manager, and steal the security machine.  

 We return to Gideon filming Scotty as he issues a new threat: "You can't kill the devil, son!" The blackmail price is now $2,000,000.  The others complain that he doesn't sound realistic.

The Young Man  and Lucy go out to smoke a cigarette and have a heart-to-heart. "This whole thing was my  idea," he announces. "Scotty may act like the leader, but he wouldn't have anything if it weren't for me."  So, he's the dominant one in the triad?  

 Lucy wants to know if they threw her down the hill.  He denies it, but she calls him a "pussy bitch."  hea's not the leader at all, he's Scotty's "bitch," sexually subservient. 

Matthew Touches Kelvin: Cut to church. Eli is preaching on what happens when you try to do things yourself, instead of relying on God: you fall prey to the snakes of the world.  This will become important later.  They may be disguised as a caring neighbor or trusted friend, but if you let them in, they will destroy you. 

Jesse and Judy, sitting in the congregation with their partners, excuse themselves and rush upstairs, where they meet with Kelvin and Jesse's crew.  We do not see Kelvin in the congregation.  Why not?  So he won't be shown sitting with Keefe, thus identifying them as partners in a parallel to Jesse/Amber and Judy/BJ?  

The security footage reveals that there are three blackmailers, and they drive a red van.  Kelvin suggest tracking them down with traffic cams.  Jesse likes this idea, and congratulates his "baby bro-bro."  Matthew gives him a bro-butt slap, but Kelvin recoils: "Don't touch me."  You don't like guys touching you, Kelv Baby?  What are you, straight?  Or is something else going on?

So, where will we get that traffic cam footage? "I know someone who can help."

Kelvin touches Keefe:  To find out who is blackmailing Jesse, Kelvin leads the siblings to the DMV, where Keefe works. He can use traffic cams to locate their vehicle.  "I could lose my job for this," he says, "But I'd do anything for you."  Kelvin touches his arm, and Keefe touches the place he touched.  This is where Tony Cavalero states that Keefe begins to fall in love.  In the last episode, you weren't sure about moving from friendship to romance with Kelvin.  Now you're ready to go? 

They clasp hands, and Kelvin gives him that "I'm desperate to kiss you" look.

Keefe continues:  "I'd even kill myself if you asked me to."  He apparently says this a lot, and Kelvin finds it embarrassing. The siblings scoff.  It is a very strange way to express gratitude to someone who brought you to Christ, signifying toxic dependency. Fortunately, Keefe never says it again.   

Compare with Keefe's  much more pro-active Season 3 statement that he is willing to give his life and his body to rescue Kelvin.

The Devil's Kiss:  The Young Man is exercising in the hotel room when Scotty bursts in, ready to attack him because the backup video is broken.  Lucy calls him out and admits to destroying it. Furthemore, she's leaving him because of the throwing-her-down-the-hill thing.  I'm tired of keeping up the mystery; it's super-obvious by this point anyhow: The Young Man is Jesse's son Gideon.

Scotty tells Lucy that it was going to be "just you and me" in Thailand, but earlier he said all three of them.  He seems to have a dominant-submissive relationship with both, and is playing them off each other, telling Lucy "you can easily be replaced" and Gideon, "I might make you my favorite."  Now his dominance is challenged.  He returns to the hotel room and yells at Gideon for telling Lucy about the hill.  "Why'd you tell her?  You like her? You think she likes you?"  His two subs certainly can't be interested in each other!

To restore his dominance, Scotty attacks.  Gideon doesn't want to hurt him, but defends himself with both boxing and martial arts.  He promises to get the money some other way.  

Scotty starts to strangle him, says "If you don't, I will kill you," and covers Gideon's nose with his mouth, signifying raw erotic power and absolute control.  

Before we continue, some bonus Palestinian guys.

Somewhere in the Middle East, anyway.

More after the break

Skyler's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 5: Bathtub pic, glory hole pic, b*ondage with Scotty. Plus Corenswet and Hoult backsides

This is a collection of cute/cool or hot/humorous photos of  Skyler Gisondo, star of The Santa Clarita Diet, The Righteous Gemstones, and Superman.  

1. "Another photo collection?  Haven't you seen enough of me?"

I can't help it, buddy.  You keep posting homoerotic pics.

2. And now that you're starring in Superman, we have David Corenswet to worry about, too.

3. And Nicholas Hoult/Lex Luther

4. "Hey, I thought this was a photo collection about me."

Sorry.  How about a long-hair bathtub pic?

5. "Have you met my girlfriend?"

Odd time to introduce her.

6. I don't care what you do in private, but let's get back to the homoeroticism.  Tell me about your relationship with Scott McArthur when you were filming "Righteous Gemstones" Season 1.

"We really carped the diem… from frisbee golf courses to three-ways...I mean swamp tours to bondage... I mean bluegrass concerts to chasing down dicks...I mean chasing down the best fried chicken sandwich in Charleston."

More after the break.  Caution: explicit

Gideon Gemstone and the Return of Scotty Steele. With A Special Appearance by Clay Chang

May 7th, 2025: Gideon's Prayer Time

Gideon's Prayer Time is at 11:00 am Wednesday!  Who's free at that hour except nursing-home oldsters?  And College of Charleston students, I guess.  Watching Gideon Gemstone reading off notecards the same words he has written on a powerpoint slide.  

It's stupid of me, but when I saw him at the Prism party yesterday, smiling, unconcerned about the many LGBTQ people around him, I figured he must be gay.  And beautiful, with a round face, light blue eyes, a slim, tight physique obvious even under his uncomfortable-looking Sunday suit. 

I feel like a total language geek, but I'm a Classics major, taking a seminar in Catullus, so can I help it if he popped into my head:

Equal to Jove that youth may be

Greater than Jove he seems to me

At the sight, my senses fly.

I needs must gaze, and gazing, die

Yesterday Ricky pulled my jaw off the floor and told me that he was Gideon Genstone, Kelvin's nephew.  And he was standing right next to his grandfather.  I'm not going to approach a guy standing next to world-famous evangelist Eli Gemstone! 

Who am I kidding?  I would be too shy anyway.

Prayer Time has certainly proven that Gideon is no Jove.  The existence of God, his omnipresence, the expiatory sacrifice of Jesus Christ, all in 45 minutes of stumbling theological jargon, with the conclusion: "love one another"!  

I'm having second thoughts about my gaydar.  Gay guys never become ministers - with Kelvin an obvious exception.  Gideon never comes to Prism, even as a guest speaker.  I've never even seen him with Kelvin and Keefe.  Surely if their nephew was gay, they would hang out.

He's looking at me!  He made direct eye contact!  Of course, I'm probably noticeable, the only Asian and only person under 90 in the audience.  Still, doesn't that mean something? 

"You can stay or you can go, but it's over."  Weird way to end a service -- not even a closing prayer. I stand behind the oldsters so I'll be the last one out, and I can start a conversation.

He's smiling -- a good sign.  I shake his hand -- warm, firm, sexy?  "Hi, I'm Clay Chang."

 "Gideon Gemstone.  It's good to see a young face at Prayer Time."

"It was an interesting presentation.  A lot of complex theology."

"Yeah...um...you don't have to be nice on my account.  I knew I screwed up."

Confiding in me?  Must be because we're the same age?  "No, it was fine.  You just need some instruction on homilectics."  I refrain from telling him that "homilectics" means "preaching."  "I took a class my sophomore year at Charleston Southern -- thought I was going to be a preacher."  I hesitate. He looks at me quizzically.  Do I dare put my hand on his shoulder?  "I have my old class notes back in my apartment -- I can bring them by the church later, or if you want to have lunch..."  

"Sure, lunch sounds great," he says with a smile.  

Suddenly I'm feeling hot.  My heart is racing.  "Ok...um, so meet me in an hour.  Do you want to go to Dudley's?  They're serving lunch now."

He frowns.  Because he doesn't know that Dudley's is a gay bar, or because he knows, and isn't gay?

Think of an alternative, fast!  "Or...um..the Brown Dog Deli, on Calhoun?"  

"Ok, Brown Dog Deli in an hour."  We face each other.  I can't stop grinning.  What do I do now?  Hug him?  Kiss him?  He seems to be having the same dilemma.  Suddenly we both laugh, and he reaches out for another handshake.  

"Bye."

Kelvin

Driving to my apartment, digging out my notes, doing 100 push-ups so I'll have a chest, showering, deciding on a hot but not slutty outfit, driving to the Brown Dog...that leaves six minutes to rush down Kelvin's office next to the Prism Prayer Room.  

No books except for several copies of the Bible; no desk, just a serpentine-slide thing that looks like a throne; and a lot of exercise machines: our guy likes to work out during his office hours.  Right now he's doing bicep curls -- huge biceps!  I see them three times a week, but I still can't take my eyes off them.  Except to look at the enormous club-bulge in his gym shorts.  Is that real or augmented by a balled-up sock?   

"Clay, My Man!" he exclaims.  "Sit down!  How's that paper on Catullus coming?"  How does he remember all the details of everyone who goes to Prism?

"Fine, I guess. Still stuck in the introduction.  Actually,  I stopped by because I need your advice."

'That's what I'm here for, Boyo. What's on your heart?"

"Um...the thing is, I'm having lunch with Gideon in 53 minutes."

"Who...Gideon Gemstone?  My nephew Gideon?"  He looks surprised.  Too surprised.  "In the market for a new spiritual leader?"

I smile.  Kelvin is jealous!  "No, actually...um...I'm not sure whether it's a friend hang or a date.  I don't even know if Gideon is gay."  

This is the part where Kelvin tells me "Of course he's gay."  He would know, right?

But Kelvin frowns.  "I'm afraid I can't help you there.  I have no idea about Gideon.  He mostly keeps to himself -- we've never had a heart-to-heart talk.  I've maybe said ten words to him in the last year, and four of those words were 'Happy Birthday!' and 'Merry Christmas'"

My heart sinks.  Why would Gideon be gay and not confide in his uncle?  

"Does he ever bring a friend to the family dinner?"

"Not that I can remember. Wait -- there was a guy named Scotty, a couple of years ago, came out from California to visit Gideon, and stayed for two or three weeks.  They were, like, together every moment."

"A boyfriend?"  

"I don't know, but he turned out to be a crook.  He robbed the church's Easter offering and left Gideon and his Dad tied up in the vault."  He pauses.  "Come to think of it, that's the last person outside the family that I've seen Gideon with."

My six minutes are over.  I thank Kelvin, steal anouther peek at his biceps, and rush out.

The Brown Dog

Gideon orders the Susan Hayward Salmon Salad.  I always get a Coney Island Chili-Cheese Dog with fries -- it's the Brown Dog Deli, right?  But I don't want to stain my shirt, or get onion on my breath on the off chance that there will be kissing later -- so I order the Soup of the Day.  

He reads aloud the list of required textbooks from my homilectics class: "Contemporary Preaching, Comedy Preaching, Preaching to People with Disabilities, Homilectics from an Asian-American Perspective..." Ulp, he skips over A Queer Homilectic.  "I like the Week 1 Lecture: 'Skip the slides, or at least use them well.'"

"Yeah, the idea is that preaching is different from lecturing to a classroom.  You're trying to reach people's hearts, not their heads."

"Sounds like you were very good at it."

"I just got a B+.  In my family, anything under an A++ is considered a failure."

"Is that why you tranferred to the College of Charleston and became a Classics major?"

"No, I just fell in love with Latin.  Ovid. Apuleius.  Virgil's Eclogues.  Formosum pastor Corydon ardebat Alexin." Oh no, it's about a guy named Alexis in love with the beautiful shepherd Corydon.  Why did I quote that?  What if he asks for a translation?

Saved by the bell: our food arrives, giving me a chance to change the subject.  "My parents wanted me to major in business and like sit in an office all day, talking about stocks or something.  They really didn't like my decision to major in classics -- dead languages, and not even Asian!  They had this image in their head of me with a wife and kids, a house in the suburbs, mowing the lawn, barbecuing, fixing the rain gutters.

"I had the same problem.  My parents wouldn't let me be me.  They had this image of me as a perfect little church boy.  When I was 18, I ran way to California, and didn't talk to my dad for a year."

A moment of connection!  I reach out and cup my hand over Gideon's.  He draws away. Because he's not gay, because he's not into me, or because he needs his hand to hold his fork?

I pretend not to notice.  "What brought you back to South Carolina?"

"I've been going back and forth.  A few months in L.A., then a few months at home.  I'm not sure where I belong.  Maybe I don't belong anywhere."

Gideon is lost, and lonely.  Gay or not, maybe he just needs a friend.

We eat in silence for a few minutes.  Then: "Are you busy tomorrow?"

Tomorrow night?  Like a real date?  Maybe he just needs a boyfriend!  "I have a seminar in Apuleus at 10:00, but I'm free after that."

"My Uncle Baby Billy is filming at tv show about Jesus as a teenager.  They're doing it campy, like a modern day high school."

I know -- I've dated the guy who plays Teenjus.  But I tell Gideon.  "That sounds interesting."

"Want to drop by and watch a rehearsal tomorrow? We could get dinner later."

He is definitely describing a date!

I spend the rest of the day vaguely listening to professors lecture and my roommate drone on about some video game, while thinking about Gideon.  Hopefully he's a bottom -- he's so soft and slim, sort of femme, he's got to be a bottom.  Not that I would mind going downtown....

More after the break

Cullen Moss: Two drag queens, two homophobes, a security guard, a fairy, and a frontal

 

Cullen Moss is one of those actors who you've seen in a dozen tv shows and movies, but he is so completely immersed in the role that when you see him again, you don't recognize him.  

Born in Brooklyn but raised in North Carolina, he graduated from Mount Tambor High School in 1993 and moved immediately into local North Carolina theater.  A lot of iconic and gay-positive roles:

Stanley in A Streetcar Named Desire

Puck in A Midsummer Night's Dream

Alan Strang, the one who gets naked on stage in Equus

Clifford Bradshaw, the Christopher Isherwood character, in Cabaret

The drag queen Albin in La Cage aux Folles

The closeted, homophobic Roy Cohn in Angels in America

His tv career began with some voiceovers in the 90s, followed by a starring role in One Tree Hill, 2003-2012, as Junk Moretti, a high school student with a "girlfriend who lives in Canada" (we've all been there; mine lived in Paris). 

Later Cullen has played a detective in Your Honor, a cop in The Walking Dead, and ..his list of credits on IMDB goes on like that.

In a two-episode story arc on Eastbound & Down in 2013, Cullen played Mark, "the smarmy, slow-motion punching, donut-gifting smuck of a rental car company manager," boss of Danny McBride's washed-up baseball player.

This led to a role as Brock, head security guard of the Gemstone Compound in Righteous Gemstones Episodes 1.6 and 1.7.  Scotty, Gideon's "friend from California" and co-conspirator in the blackmail scheme, flirts with him to get easy access to compound, even asking for shirtless photos.

Brock returns in Episode 1.9, to deny BJ admission after he and Judy break up, criticize his name, and act like a macho jerk.

He returns in Episode 2.3, to announce that Eli's friend Junior is at the front gate.  Eli says to not admit him, and they argue.

More Cullen after the break

Is There Sex After Death?: A Gideon and Scotty story

This story takes place after Righteous Gemstones Episode 1.8, when Scotty Steele dies.

April 21, 2019. Easter Sunday.

Light. Intense, golden light, surrounding him. Not bright, like sunlight, just warm, comfortable, loving -- how can light be loving? -- like sitting on your mother's lap when you are a kid. Scotty wonders if he is a kid. Maybe he has gone back to the womb?

No, there are others around him, some that he once knew, and loved or hated, some who are strangers. Except they aren't strangers now -- he sees the most important moments of their lives, and they, in turn, see Scotty's. At random, not in chronological or thematic order:

1. Going out to dinner at the Shem Creek Restaurant in Mount Pleasant -- pizza and beer -- and Scotty calls Gideon "Little Lord Fauntleroy." They smile and joke, and hold hands under the table, and the song on the radio, or in his mind, is "You Knock Me Out.” :

The way you talk when you say what you see

Your smile breaking my words – you knock me out.

The way you shake it, baby, the way you get when you get down -- you knock me out 

The memory of the song, of his smile, fills Scotty with so much joy that he he feels like he will burst. He looks around -- or the equivalent when you don't have a body -- and feels the others sharing his joy.

2. The Old Man, Jesse Gemstone,  takes them all out on his yacht, and in the glittering of the waves, while the kids sit in the wading pool -- a pool on a yacht? -- Jesse offers to become his Daddy, and they hug.  

He eases into the hug, actually considering the crazy idea for a moment.  They could just walk away from the scheme to steal the Easter offering from the Salvation Center, $3,000,000, and settle into lives as a good Christian Gemstone and his boyfriend.  

Then he laughs to himself.  No way will the Old Man ever admit Scotty to the family, knowing that his cock  has been down his son's throat or up his ass...sorry, Mom....the fact that Scotty has been intimate with his son every night. Evangelicals hate gay sex even more than they hate thinking for yourself. The Easter Offering plan is the only way they can walk side by side into the future.

3. Driving from California to South Carolina so they can blackmail his father, the world-famous Jesse Gemstone, with a video of his sex-and-drugs party, get even for a childhood of neglect and abuse, and fund their happily-ever-after life in Thailand. They spend the night in a Motel 6 somewhere in New Mexico. Lucy is snoring.  Scotty opens his eyes and sees Gideon, propped up in the other bed, playing on his cell phone, his face illuminated, as if he is already in the plane of endless light.  He must be an angel -- nothing in this shithole world -- sorry, Mom -- could be so beautiful.

He knows that he's going to do it, he's known since the moment they met, but still, Scotty is terrified as he climbs out of his own bed and slides in next to Gideon.  He doesn't look surprised -- maybe he has always known, too.  He puts his cell phone away and scoots down so Scotty can hold him in his arms and kiss him.  

Suddenly the world changes.  Scotty has never been kissed before, not like this. Minutes pass, hours, months, a lifetime. He doesn't even think about doing something more intimate -- is there anything more intimate? -- but eventually Gideon takes the lead rolls him over onto his back, and moves down....he moves down...

To give him the blow job of his life. Well, until later that night.  And the next. With Gideon, his orgasms are so intense that his yells wake half the county, and he has to lie there, panting, exhaused, not sure where he is or who he is, knowing only that they are together.

Cause you and me were meant to be. One heart, one soul, one mind, two of a kind. 

Whoever said that love is blind?  We're partners in crime.

Scotty retreats into himself, embarrassed, but the others draw him back. There's nothing to be embarrassed about now. They've seen the moments of his life, and he's seen theirs.

One of the others has taken on form -- not really a corporeal form, more like a recognizable presence: a young woman with 1980s helmet hair and circular glasses, a little girl in pigtails standing on a country road, a middle-aged woman holding baby Gideon on her lap. She is singing, or music is playing:

We've come so very far, just look at where we are -- What once was a dream is now a sweet memory.

I'll see you again with the valley's warm wind, I'll see you some way, but it's toodles today

Scotty knows who she is -- Aimee-Leigh Gemstone, the Gospel singer that his mom liked so much. Eli Gemstone's wife, Jesse's mother, Gideon's grandmother!

More memories emerge, and with them the joy turns to pain.  Scotty never hit Gideon, except for two fights where he got worse than he gave, and the sex was always consensual -- he was forced, by his cousin, by his tenth grade teacher, by a crazy chick in a dive bar. so he always made sure that the cocksucker -- sorry, gay guy -- was into it.  But he wasn't always loving.  He belittled Gideon, called him names, yelled, even threatened.  He thought that the only way to keep someone with him was by making them feel small and scared.

Creeper got mad and angry eyes – one look from him can paralyze.

Upon his lips the taste of pain, venom kiss of love insane

He got a rod beneath his coat – he gonna ram it right down your throat.

Make you grovel on the floor, spit up and scream and beg for more

Scotty retreats into himself, hating himself for hurting so many people, fearful that Gideon's grandmother has come to judge him. But all he feels from Aimee-Leigh is love.  She nods -- or its equivalent -- and the memory continues.

 On Easter morning, Gideon comes down the elevator alone and says "It's over." He chose the ritzy Gemstone world over the dream of Thailand, the Old Man over the love of his life. The smiles, holding hands under the table, the kissing, the orgasms that burst across the universe -- all ignored.  But Gideon isn't the one who ignored it -- Scotty could have said "It's ok, I don't want the money, all I need is to be by your side."  He didn't.  

After that Scotty sees nothing but red rage.  He retrieves his van, beats up Granddad Eli, forces Gideon and Jesse to open the vault, ties them up. He yells "You made your choice, and you broke my heart!" Then he zooms away from the estate, not sure where he is going, nowhere, anywhere, into the abyss. He doesn't care; his life is over already.

Aimee-Leigh waits patiently for his despair to wash through the others.  Then she asks "Are you ready to go, darlin?  We've got work to do."

Calling him "darlin'," as if she is really his grandmother! Wait -- of course she is.  There are no lies in the endless light. "But how?  He must hate me.  There's no coming back from what I've done to him."

"He's already forgiven you.  But you need to forgive him."

More after the break