Gemstones Episode 3.3: A Fire dance, a limp wrist, a phallic sword, and Balkan muscle gods. Plus Kelvin tries to say the word.

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Gemstones Episode 3.1: Kelvin collects cocks, the Simpkins smirk, and Dusty Daniels flirts. With Nick Vardakas, adult toys, and a Peruvian penis

Righteous Gemstones Season 3 was the first that I watched in real time. 

Title: "For I Know the Plans I Have for You."  Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I hope so, because this season gets very dark.

Rogers County Fair, 2000:  The teenage Jesse Gemstone is announcing a demolition derby featuring his monster truck, the Redeemer, while his parents, megachurch pastor Eli Gemstone and his wife Aimee-Leigh, argue: the Redeemer is putting butts in seats, but is this really appropriate for a Christian ministry?   What are we going to do next, sell beer?  At that moment, a muscle hunk comes by selling beer!

While Aimee-Leigh is off smoking a cigarette, May-May, a shabbily-dressed middle-aged woman, approaches, furious: "You pretend to be all sweet and caring, but I know the truth -- what you done to my family."  She attacks; Aimee-Leigh runs through the crowd, screaming for help, but May-May catches up and hits her with a wrench. As she lies bleeding on the ground, a car hits -- May-May! 

Eli Retires: Present day. Time to introduce the main conflicts of the season.  First up: the now-elderly Eli is hanging out with his Mason-like Cape and Pistol Society. They ask how he's enjoying his retirement.  Actually, he's only semi-retired: he's writing another autobiography and taking speaking engagements, but his kids are running the church. Gulp!  His friend: "You scared your kids are gonna blow it?"  

A Cold Fish Kiss: Eli's second child, Judy, is now a famous singer.  She has just returned from a tour, and her husband BJ wants to snuggle, but she yells at him for pressuring her, gives him a "cold fish kiss," and runs out again.  Uh-oh, marital trouble.

Smut Busters: The primary conflict, judging from the amount of air time it gets: Kelvin and Keefe are examining a giant dildo.  Kelvin exclaims with glee, "That is gonna hurt!"  So he's a bottom, and Keefe is his boyfriend, showing him their new toy.

We pan out to see kids (including Nick Vardakas) examining a pile of adult toys, mostly dildos and butt plugs of various sizes and shapes, intended for gay men.  Notice the "Size Queen" dildo. 

Psych!  Kelvin and Keefe are actually youth ministers, running an anti-sex toy project. Notice the t-shirts, with the name "Smut Busters" over a splatter of...jizz?   They buy out the inventory of local adult stores, to force them into bankruptcy.  Wait -- anyone know basic economics?  

They ask the kids and adult volunteer Taryn to join them in the Smut Buster chant: "No smut (touch nipples),  no lust (feminine hip wiggle), no coconuts (hands to waist, grimace)." No one joins in.  

After extensive research, I conclude that "coconuts" doesn't have a symbolic meaning, except maybe to evoke testicles.  It was chosen for  its near-rhyme. The chant reflects the playground phrase "no butts, no cuts, no coconuts" (no cutting in line), and its variation, "No ifs, no buts, no coconuts" (no disagreeing).

Left: coconuts

This scene has many queer codes: Notice how Kelvin plays with Keefe's nipple, an intimacy that platonic pals would not enjoy, how Keefe gets all bitchy around Taryn, and how most of the sex toys they buy are for gay men.  They can't conceive of something used by straight men as erotic: "There's a naked lady on the box.  Keefe, I said sexy, not disgusting!" 

So the main conflicts of the season will involve the transition of power, marital problems, and coming out. 

Old Slow-Eyes: Then Sunday dinner at Jason's Steak House. They argue about who is responsible for the decline in church members and donations since Eli stepped down, then about church leadership: Jesse thinks that he should be the sole leader, but the others think that they should lead together. 

Jesse criticizes the Smut Buster project -- preventing truck drivers from getting "dick pills" but not doing anything to help the church.  Kelvin says that they have bought up the inventory of 16 porno shops along the I-95 corridor. Of course, they get to keep the dildos. This is a call-back to Season 2, when Jesse complained that Kelvin's God Squad, a collection of musclemen, was solely for "popping boners," his own erotic enjoyment, not to help the church.

Geography alert: The I-95 corridor  runs through South Carolina about 50 miles from the ocean. The nearest junction is an hour's drive from Charleston.  That's a long drive just to pick up some rubber dicks. 

Next on the agenda:  A wealthy donor, famous racecar driver Dusty Daniels (Shea Whigham, left) planned to bequeath his entire $200 million fortune to the church.  But now that Eli has stepped down, he will be going with the rival Simpkins family instead.  Uh-oh,  the church can't afford to lose this!

The Evil Simpkins:  The siblings visit Dusty at his private racetrack to convince him to change his mind, but he thinks that the Simpkins display more fraternal affection.  The Gemstones can't even hold hands properly (this will become important later).  

Queer code: Jesse accuses Kelvin of using Botox to maintain his youthful appearance.  Most Botox users are in their 40s and 50s, much older than Kelvin, suggesting gay-coded vanity.  Plus 85% are women.

Kelvin keeps fiddling with a ring on his wedding-ring finger, to draw viewer attention to it. Are he and Keefe actually married?

The Simpkins arrive: two brothers and a sister, about the same age as the Gemstones (including Gogo Lomo-David).  They have no trouble holding hands! Plus they are self-made millionaire pastors -- they didn't inherit a dynasty..  

Shay Simpkins flirts with Dusty, so Judy says that she also finds him hot.  Kelvin nods his agreement.  Wait - how out is he?  Dusty, openly bisexual, returns the compliment: "All y'all look good, but this ain't about looks."  Kelvin: "That's a good thing because if it were, we'd win by a mile."  They flex and posture.

Ok, Dusty says, why don't you battle for me?  In stock cars. He's putting himself in a feminine role: traditionally suitors compete for the attention of a young lady.  

Jesse against Craig Simpkins, who claims that he has no experience. Uh-oh, he means he's not experienced in the basic stock cars used in NASCAR racing.  He's an expert in the more advanced Formula 1 cars.

There isn't even a race: Jesse stalls and then spins out.  The fortune goes to the Simpkins!

Bonus: From Ayacucho, Peru.

The Book Signing: Eli is at a bookstore, signing copies of his "definitive autobiography" -- his third. Did you mention having a gay son?  Suddenly May-May, who attacked his wife Aimee-Leigh back in 2000, hands him one of his earlier books: Y2K: When the World Goes Dark. 

In 1999. many claimsmakers worried that computers were only set up for the 1900s, so on January 1, 2000, they would all reset. Bank accounts would empty; airplanes would fall from the sky; the world would descend into chaos. Some evangelists, like Eli Gemstone, made money by connecting the Y2K bug with end-time prophecies.

Eli is not happy to see his May-May -- he has a restraining order against her.  But she needs his help.  Wait -- you storm in and throw his old book at him to ask for help?  

Later, Eli records the section of his autobiography about Y2K: when the world didn't end, he and Aimee-Leigh had to face anger and ridicule. 

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.8: Kelvin's testicles, Jesse's butt, and ancient Philistine penises. WIth testicular bonus

In the last episode, Scotty kidnapped Gideon and Jesse, forced them to open the church vault, and stole the Easter offering money, incidentally confessing that he had been in love with Gideon.  Judy and BJ had a breakup scene, but Kelvin and Keefe barely appeared.  In Episode 1.8,, their romance is centric. 

Title: "But the righteous will see their fall." Proverbs 26:19: "When the wicked are multiplied, transgression increases; But the righteous will see their fall"

An Old Man's Dick:  It's still Easter evening.  After dropping off Judy at her house, Baby Billy asks Tiffany "Who wants to suck an old man's dick?" She goes down on him while they are driving down dark country roads near the estate.  Suddenly Scotty, driving away with the money he stole, runs a stop sign and crashes into their car!   They are unharmed, but Scotty is near death (Tiffany finishes the job by accidentally shooting him).  Then they steal the money.  An interesting call-back here: earlier Scotty implies that he forced Gideon into oral sex, and he dies while interrupting consensual oral sex, an ironic punishment of the sort you would see in 1950s horror comics. 

Top five young ministers:  Gideon admits to being Scotty's partner in the offering-theft plan, and is rejected by Eli and Amber.  But he doesn't mention his part in the blackmail plan!  We cut to Jesse telling his siblings that they are in the clear. But how do they know he won't tell later, and implicate them in the assault?   Worried that he'll be arrested, Kelvin is having anxiety attacks and "sharp shit pains in my stomach" (hemorrhoids?).   Even if he wasn't convicted, the scandal would destroy his career.   "I was in the Top Five Young Ministers to watch last year -- I got a reputation -- a following."  Wait -- if he's so famous, why is his whole plot arc about proving his worth?

Denim brings lunch:  We cut to scenes where Baby Billy and Tiffany leave town with the offering money, Eli worries that the whole enterprise is corrupt, and Jesse apologizes to Gideon for pushing him away and starting the whole mess. Eli admits, for the only time in the series, that the church's finances are not entirely above-board.

 Next, Judy tries to mend her relationship with BJ by bringing him lunch at the optometrist office.  Whoops, his coworker Denim already picked up lunch.  "So you're having sex with BJ?"  No, she's a lesbian -- she has a wife.  This does not convince Judy, who calls her: "One of those benevolent lesbians, out to meet a hot guy, make friends with him, so you can sample-suck some clean dick."  BJ's nonchalance about LGBT people, plus Judy's sort-of nonchalance, will become important later.

He refuses to take Judy back, so she storms into the parking lot and starts destroying cars, finally getting arrested.

Hemorrhoids and Testicular Tumors: Keefe is swimming while Kelvin tries not to look at the body that is giving him so many unwelcome desires.   He wants to know how he can rid the world of darkness, when he's surrounded by it: his mother died, Eli was assaulted, the church was robbed. Not to mention Jesse committing assault and probably vehicular homicide.  He concludes that God is punishing the family for "not being who we say we are."  

Left: Kelvin's testicles. 

But Kelvin had nothing to do with those things. He was in the car with his siblings when they ran over the blackmailers, but he didn't assault anyone.  At most he failed to tell anyone.  How does "not being who we say we are" apply to him?  Unless he is talking about being gay.

"Don't you think God is being a little harsh?" Keefe asks.  We all wear masks; we hide things even from ourselves.  

Kelvin laugh/cries and says "I think we're getting off easy...when the Philistines stole the Ark of the Covenant, God punished them with hemorhhoids and testicle tumors."  

He's referring to an obscure story in 1 Samuel 4-5, where the Philistine thieves were punished with opalim. The King James Bible translates the Hebrew word as "emeroids" (now "hemorrhoids") and the NIV as "tumors."  An article in Biblical Archaeology Review points out the importance of penises in Philistine art, and suggests "flaccid penises."   No one mentions testicles; apparently Kelvin invented it, to correspond to the glimpse of Keefe's testicle that began his recognition of his homoerotic desire.

Next: "You should go, Keefe."  Keefe doesn't understand: "You want me to make a store run?"  Kelvin becomes angrier and angrier: "Go.  Leave.  Get out. I am no longer fit to lead you!" 

Kelvin scratches his butt as he says this.  Apparently he has hemorrhoids, and thinks that God is punishing him -- an ironic punishment for having anal sex? Will testicular tumors come next? 

Keefe disagrees: "There's no one more worthy than you."

 "Get the fuck out of here! Now! Do I need to call security, motherfucker?"  This is shockingly aggressive. Besides, if Keefe has been living there for several months, you have to give him 30 days notice.

Keefe wades away, holding his swimsuit like he held his shirt during the mushroom head scene.  The intimacy he enjoyed that night has been revoked.  Kelvin falls into the pool and screams and cries.

Why does Kelvin send Keefe away?  If he's no longer qualified to be a spiritual leader due to the assault of the blackmailers, they could certainly continue to live together.  It must have something to do with the "hemorrhoids and testicular tumors," the intimacy they shared, or even homoerotic desire itself.  Kelvin believes that it is evil, demonic, that Keefe is a serpent who tempted him.  I don't care much for this association between LGBT identities and sin, but the show has been careful to establish that it's in Kelvin's head, not a general theme, structurally or in-universe.  

Testicular bonus after the break. Caution: explicit.

Gemstones Episode 1.6 : Kelvin sees Keefe's cock, and gets a big head. Sounds like a fun evening. With bonus Kenyan guys.

 Title: "Now the sons of Eli were worthless men." From 1 Samuel 2:12.  Eli was a high priest during the era of the Judges. His two sons did not perform the sacrifices properly, and had illicit sexual relations, so the Lord punished Eli by killing them. Uh-oh, Jesse and Kelvin are doomed.

Keefe's Mushroom Head:  After their Friday night encounter with the blackmailers, Jesse has their van towed to Kelvin's garage, talks to Kelvin, then fetches Judy. Jesse is wearing the same clothes, but Kelvin has changed out of his Faith Factory t-shirt. 

As they are talking, Keefe comes out of the house, wearing only a shirt and socks, eating cheese.  "What's going on?" he asks.

Jesse: "Sickening!"; Judy: "Cool mushroom tip"; Kelvin: "That shirt's not as long as you think, Bud.  Just go back inside."  We see his dick peeking out from below his shirt, and then his butt as he turns around.

Structurally, this seems to be a joke on Keefe being drug-addled, combined with a view of his cock and butt that leads us to ask "are they or aren't they." But in- universe, it becomes much more significant. 

First, notice that just a few episodes ago, Kelvin was terrified by the sight of Keefe's testicle.  Now he is embarrassed but not alarmed.  He is used to seeing Keefe naked.

Second, why is Keefe wearing only a shirt and socks?  Was he in bed?  No -- when you get dressed, you put on your pants first. Getting ready for bed?  No, when you get undressed, you take off your shirt first. 

"Go suck your Satanic boyfriend Keefe."

A likely scenario: After the Club Sinister rescue, the guys drop Dot off, then go home and change clothes.  Some time later, Keefe decides to move forward with the relationship that Kelvin has been suggesting,  Since he rejected a bj offer earlier, it makes sense that he would want to start with a bj.  He takes his pants off, and his shoes have to come off, too.  Kelvin is so overcome by passion that he doesn't have time to take his clothes off -- he just drops to his knees.  

As they are getting busy, there's a knock on the door.  Keefe waits for Kelvin to return, gets bored, goes to the kitchen, gets some cheese.  Then he hears everyone talking and, assuming that his shirt is long enough to cover his dick, investigates.

It makes structural sense: Keefe looks for love in Episode 1.4, rejects the Satanists to follow Kelvin, and ends up in Kelvin's bed.  If Kelvin's "celibacy promise" was real, tonight he broke it, thus making his later despair more realistic.  And it would lead into the isolation tank rescue.

And it gives the siblings definitive proof that their brother and Keefe are boyfriends.  Notice that the gay implications immediately cease.

Saturday or Sunday: Rev. Seasons announces that his church is closing due to losing members to the Baby Billy's Locust Grove church.  We cut to Eli, Baby Billy/Tiffany, and BJ/Judy playing golf.  Wait -- shouldn't they be in church?  Or is this Sunday afternoon?

Personal note:  When I was growing up, our Nazarene church was across the street from a golf course.  The preacher ofter called down the wrath of God on those sinners who played golf on Sunday morning instead of worshipping Him.

Baby Billy gets BJ's name wrong, and then offers Judy a job singing with him. Since he was unsuccesful in drawing Aimee-Leigh from Eli, he's going to try it with Eli's daughter?

"This isn't normal":  Meanwhile, at Jesse and Amber's house,  Gideon comes down to breakfast with a black eye.  His parents are upset, but they don't make the connection to the car chase last night.  So it's Saturday morning?  Was the Rev. Season scene a flashback?

These timeline inconsistencies are annoying.  Let's just think about Keefe's cock again.

More about Keefe's Cock: Kelvin's garage, several days later (queer code: there's a neon picture of a flexing bicep on the wall).  

Kelvin tells the silings that Keefe ran the van's plates -- stolen -- and got fired for it.  So he was living with Kelvin before he got fired?  Maybe he just spent the night of the Club Sinister rescue, because it was late and they wanted to be intimate?

Kelvin brags that the Nancys gave him a soda machine to thank him for bringing Dot back to the church.  Judy criticizes him for "getting all cocky," and Jesse agrees" "you have had a big fucking head lately."  Both are double-entendre call-backs to Keefe's cock (unintentional in-universe, or are the siblings hinting?).  So, where did Keefe put his big fucking head, Kelvin? Are you into oral or anal?  We're getting more and more structural evidence that the guys have been intimate.

Another dick.

They are very rude: Since the van is gone, Scotty has to live in a tent. Why doesn't Gideon spring for a cheap hotel?   Gideon tries to help him set it up, but he goes dark again: "I'm tired of this shit, and I'm tired of your fucking family! They are very rude people!"  But at least he looks hot in a black vest with no shirt.

"The van in my uncle's garage," Gideon tells him.  Completely ransacked, with all of Scotty's stuff taken.  Scotty is irate: he needed that stuff!

Cut to Jesse and Kelvin informing the crew that they have the van. Inside they found a sleeping bag, tongs, a copy of L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics (so Scotty is a Scientologist?), some potato chips, some beans, soiled Q-Tips, and yellow, crusty paper towels. Conclusion: the blackmailers are "fucking amateurs."

Suddenly all of them get a phone call from Scotty.  He wants his van and his stuff back, or "I'm a fuck your life in the ass."  I'm surprised no one riffed on that.  "I'm a release the video."  

Back at the campsite, Scotty and Gideon clasp hands.

Jesse doesn't think he has the video, and tells him to fuck off.

More after the break

Gemstones Season 2 Finale: The Godfather, Butch and Sundance, random nude dudes, and "My love for you wil never die"

 

The series finales on The Righteous Gemstones are meant to tie up any remaining loose ends and say goodbye to the characters, so we should expect little or no plot development, just a lot of hugging: everyone who has had lost, frayed, or troubled relationships during the season, lovers, friends, parents and children, siblings, will be reconciled.

Hold on tight to the one you love the most:  A blackened stage. Suddenly a spotlight on Jesse.  He begins the country-western song "Some Broken Hearts Never Mend," by Don Williams.  Then Kelvin, lying on a platform, raising a finger to Heaven.  Then Judy and the choir, as she walks up stage.  Then all three siblings together. 

 Coffee black, cigarettes. Start the day like all the rest. 

First thing every moning that I do, is start missing you.

Some broken hearts never mend.  Some memories never end.  

Some tears will never dry.  My love for you will never die. 

Except this song is not about lost love, it's about mended hearts.  You're supposed to look at or point to a loved one. Kelvin starts out by pointing at audience stage left, obviously at Keefe, who points to himself and then back. My love for you will never die,

BJ waves, presumably at Judy.  Cut to Amber and the kids; then Baby Billy, Tiffany, and the baby; he looks back at Harmon, his no-longer estranged son; and finally Eli looks out at the audience. 

In the middle of love's embrace: Flashback to the Alaska Commercial Company, a grocery store chain with 33 locations in Alaska, mostly in rural areas. The Lissons, in hiding after their murders and attempts, are buying -- coffee to go?  Martin has them under surveillance

Left: random nude dude

Back in church, Eli looks at the band as the siblings sing the second verse together.  Then Jesse and Kelvin, looking up to heaven.

 Rendezvous in the night.

In the middle of love's embrace, I see your face

Wait -- they see God while their partners Amber and Keefe are going downtown?  Makes sense.

Cut to the Lissons in their cabin, watching Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, where the gay-subtext bank robbers, played by Robert Redford, top photo, and Paul Newman, left, are trapped, with no escape, so they go out shooting. 

 Some broken hearts never mend.  Some memories never end.

Some tears will never dry.  My love for you will never die.

The Cycle Ninjas:  Cycle Ninjas on glittering metallic snowmobiles zoom through the woods.  

Lyle looks out the window and yells "Get the guns!"

Back at the church, the siblings point at each other. Eli smiles. 

The First Chorus: The congregation rises to sing the chorus.

We see Chad and his wife, who have been having marital problems since Season 1; Martin and his often seen, never-named wife; Judy and BJ;  Junior and Tan Man, Baby Billy and Tiffany, Amber and the kids.  Then the siblings again.  Wait, I thought the Tan Man was just Junior's assistant.  Is there a gay relationship going on back in Memphis? 

In the flashback, the Lissons get out their guns and tell each other that God believes in them: "God will see us through, for we are the Chosen."  Where on Earth did Lyle get that idea?  

More broken hearts after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.9: Who killed Thaniel? Were Eli and Junior lovers? Will Kelvin ever come out? Can we see some naked twinks?

It's the last episode, time for answers to the big questions of the season:  Who killed Thaniel?  Who is trying to kill Eli?  Will Keefe ever be admitted to that family dinner? 

Title: "I Will Tell of All Your Deeds."  Psalms 9.1, NIV: "I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds."  Hopefully we'll hear about some of the Lord's deeds.

The Thaniel Answer:  A flashback: Thaniel Block (Jason Schwartzman), the snoopy reporter who was murdered in Episode 2.2, is yelling at Lyle Lissons, the megachurch pastor who wants Jesse to invest in his Christian resort!  How do those two know each other?

Ulp, Thaniel is forcing Lyle to dig up dirt on the Gemstones, but all he has provided so far is satellite church pastor Butterfield having a  three-way in the dance club restroom (See Episode 2.1)

Not good enough.  Thaniel wants Eli Gemstone, the most famous televangelist and megachurch pastor in the world.   Bringing down the Gemstones will win him a Pulitzer! 

But Lyle needs their money for his resort.  How about if he frames some of his own satellite church pastors for embezzlement? 

No, Eli Gemstone, "Or I'll do a story on your strange relationship with some of the boys at your orphanage."  Uh-oh, Lyle is a pe dophile!  

Lyle goes out to his car, where the ministers he offered to betray are waiting. One is played by Chad Mountain, linked below. 

They brought hand grenades to kill Thaniel with.  But one of the idiots pulls the pin, and is exploded!   Thaniel investigates the noise and shoots another, then runs back into his house, where he accidentally shoots himself!

Lyle and the two surviving ministers hide when a car approaches. It's the Gemstone siblings, coming to tell Thaniel to back off. So this is all happening during Episode 2.2.   They see Thaniel's corpse and the other dead guys and run away.  To avoid discovery, Lyle tells his ministers to burn down the house.  Then, worried that the siblings may have seen them, he burns them to death, too.  

 So now we know who killed Thaniel and the other men, and I'm guessing that Lyle sent the Cycle Ninjas, too.  We just need the answer to the Keefe question.

Toxic father, toxic son: Lyle and Lindsey Lissons are visiting his elderly Dad Roddy (John Amos), who is not happy to see him: "You took everything I cared about, locked me up in this....prison."  "You mean an expensive care facility?"  Whoa, Lindsey actually slaps him and threatens him. Murder and elder abuse!  

They have come to give Roddy a permanent room at the Christian resort they are building  -- with some of the money the've stolen from him.  But since he's acting so snippy, they rescind the offer

Toxic father-son relationships this season: Roy Gemstone-Eli, Glendon Marsh-Junior, Lyle Lissons-Roddy, Baby Billy Freeman-Harmon, Eli-Kelvin, Jesse-Pontius. 

Personal note: John Amos and I used to go to the same gym in West Hollywood. We never became friends, but we had a sort of nodding acquaintanceship.  I did manage to see him in the shower.

The hand-holding fist bump:  In a reprise of the first Sunday dinner in Episode 2.1, identical SUVs pull up, and the family walks in slow motion toward Jason's Steakhouse, reveling in their heteronormative nuclear family success:  first Eli, then Jesse/Amber and their kids; then BJ/Judy and their "daughter" Tiffany; and finally -- Kelvin and Keefe?  

Kelvin holds out his fist, a call-back to their “bro” fist-bump in their first scene together, but insted, Keefe cups his hand over his, then moves away.  They're walking side by side, so they couldn't fist-bump anyway; Kelvin wants to hold hands, imitating what Jesse and Amber are doing, but Keefe doesn't follow through. 

Kelvin looks defiant, daring someone to comment; Keefe looks decidedly nervous. The romantic has superseded the friendly.  No more hiding, no more dissimulation: they are “out” as romantic partners.   

The song playing in the background is Daniel Boone’s “Beautiful Sunday”: “ When you said you loved me, oh my, it’s a beautiful day.”

The hand-holding fist-bump received a huge amount of attention from fans, with statements like "True love!" and "I wish I had a love like that."  Tony Cavalero posted it on his Instagram with the caption "Hold on tight to the one you love the most for the Season finale." 

Personal note:  This is the first scene of The Righteous Gemstones that I watched.  My partner was a fan, but I was worried that it would bring up painful memories of growing up Nazarene.  That night I was crossing the living room on the way to the kitchen for a snack, and I glanced at the tv set: a gay couple walking toward Jason's Steakhouse with the rest of the conservative evangelical family!  They were completely nonchalant about it: no angst, no hiding, no homophobia!  I was instantly hooked.  

Upon arriving at the restaurant, Kelvin holds the door open for Keefe, and as he enters, slaps him on the butt, a “goose” that is commonly used to express a casual, playful sexual intent.  In the first dinner scene, Kelvin’s homoerotic desire barred Keefe from entry.  Now it pushes him in, and symbolically into the family.

Kevin Comes Out:  At the dinner, Kelvin can’t stop grinning.  His joy is infectious, a welcome relief after his near-constant physical pain and emotional turmoil through the season, but perhaps unnecessary: everyone has been so thoroughly prepared that they could hardly have a reaction other than complete nonchalance. 

Eli announces the groundbreaking party for Zion's Landing: “I think we should all attend this important event as a family.”  Kelvin turns to Keefe, but not to ask him to come, since no separate invitation is necessary: all family members are invited.  He is asking if it’s ok, giving Keefe the power to veto the idea (he might not want to spend several days with people who pretended that he didn’t exist before last week).  Keefe nods his consent: they can go.  He is no longer a kept boy, an assistant, or a good buddy: they are equal partners, both invited to the table.

The Kiddo Ranch:  At the Lissons'  Kiddo Ranch, the orphanage Thaniel mentioned,  Lyle walks through roomsful of little kids, tousing boys' hair.  Uh-oh, does he have a "special relationship" with them?

His manager, Minister Mike,  tells him that "They're back.  Some of them are pretty banged up."  

Whoa, teenage or young adult motorcyclists doing crazy stunts.  Big reveal: Lyle sent the Cycle Ninjas to kill Eli!  So the "strange relationship" was a misdirection.  He isn't a pedophile, he's training professional assassins.

  "Some of them can be pretty nasty," Minister Mike adds.  "That's what happens when nobody loves you." 

The Cycle Ninjas want the $100,000 Lyle promised them to kill Eli, but he notes that they failed, so they get nothing.  They draw guns on him, and he changes his mind, but they have to wait until after this weekend.  He has some money coming in at the Ground-breaking Party.  

A bonus cyclist dick.

Whew, the big questions have been answered. But we still need some reconciliations to finish the season (after the break).

Gemstones Episode 2.8: Baby Billy sees a ghost, Judy becomes a mom, and Kelvin gets ***.up. Plus nude short guys

Title:  "The Prayer of a Righteous Man."  James 5:16: "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." Whose fervent prayer is going to avail some miracles?

This ain't the 1970s: In 1993 Memphis, Junior and his dad Glendon are watching midget wrestling featuring "heel" Chris Blanton, aka "Little Fabio"

Glendon thinks that it's the wave of the future, but Junior complains that it's old-fashioned.  He wants to liquidate their gambling operation to raise money for some big wrestling promotions:"This ain't the 1970s.  Wrestling has changed. You need big money to go after big talent." Glendon nixes the idea.

Next complaint: Glendon was going to leave Junior the business when he retired, but he never retires:  "Look at me, Daddy: I'm going gray with my dick in my hand."   Look at him, with his jaunty hand on hip, similar to after spending the night with Eli earlier this season.  He's got some femme mannerisms going on  I'm looking at a middle-aged gay man.

Glendon wants to know how he can retire when his idiot son has terrible ideas and does everything wrong?  "You hurt my feelings," Junior exclaims, starting to cry.  The boy gets hurt feelings a lot, doesn't he?   Glendon mocks him.  But he agrees that he's been holding on too long: let's liquidate the gambling operation.

We cut to Glendon being upset while Junior loads the slot machines into a truck for Mr. Dukare (played by Dakare Chatman, who was playing a teenager in Season 1.) 

Later, Junior counts the money, annoucing that they will triple it with their new wrestling promotions.  

But Glendon has other ideas. Brandishing a gun, he orders: "Handcuff yourself to that inversion table and shut the fuck up."  He then moons Junior and leaves: "You ain't never going to see ths old ass again."  

Junior screams and cries. Glendon goes off to visit Eli and get murdered on Christmas Day, 1993. 

In the present, Martin visits the captured Cycle Ninjas in jail: a group of scruffy teenagers.  Sheriff Brenda tells him that they have fake ids, no fingerprints in the system, and they aren't talking.  Martin tries to use psychology: "We know who sent you. Now you tell us."  But it doesn't work; they just fart at him.

Cut to Baby Billy selling his health elixer in a nursing home. Afterwards the spirit of his sister Aimee-Leigh appears, and encourages him to visit his son Harmon, whom he abandoned in a shopping mall in 1993. "It's time," she tells him, and "You know I'm right."  He tells her to get lost.  Aimee-Leigh appears in the Seasons 1 and 3 finales, but doesn't interact with anyone.  I wonder if she is a hallucination here.

Eli's physical therapy:  Eli gathers the siblings, their partners, and Gideon to thank them for their role in his recovery.  Keefe is not present, but Eli tells Kelvin: "You and Queef have been such a help. I keep saying 'Go back to your house,' but you wouldn't hear it. You've stayed on, helping me get on my feet with physical therapy."  He gets Keefe's name wrong, but at least he acknowledges that Kelvin has a partner.  

Wait -- how could Kelvin administer physical therapy with his hand injury? I'm getting an image of Keefe being run ragged from caring for two invalids.  Surely there were nurses around, too. 

Of course, they had an ulterior motive for not going home: the God Squad has taken over their house.

Cut to BJ and Judy putting the very pregnant Tiffany on the bus for the 15 hour trip to her mama's house in West Virginia, where she can raise her son with no money.  At the last moment. Judy asks her to stay: she's family.

Cleansing the Temple: Later that day, Kelvin and Keefe spy on the God Squad as they dance, fight with sticks, run wild on a golf cart, and..um... masturbate into a watering can?   "It's time to cleanse the temple!" Kelvin exclaims.  How could the God Squad control the house for several weeks with no one noticing? There's a housekeeping crew and regular security patrols.  This must be another chronological mishap.

The guys burst into the gym, knocking over things.  "This was a house of prayer, but ye made it a den of thieves!" Kelvin exclaims. Torsten orders the men to put Keefe back in the tiger cage, but Keefe tries to fight back, Kelvin yells "No one re-cages Keefe," and they relent. 

Next he reminds them of all the good he's done. Before joining the God Squad, Torsten was "a little doughboy" who still lived with his parents. "I chiseled you into the sculpture you are today." 

When Cody had cramps, Kelvin "crawled into his yurt and massaged him until sunrise."  A sexual reference, of course.  The guys stare at Cody, who shakes his head -- that didn't happen.  In a cult based on homoerotic desire, why would anyone disapprove of Cody and Kelvin getting busy?  There appears to be a major misunderstanding here. Many of the God Squad musclemen are straight alphas, in it for the muscles, just tolerating the homoerotic activity of Kelvin, his boyfriend, and the guys he invites to the steam showers.

Torsten challenges "the Messiah of the Muscle Men" to another cross raising to determine leadership.

Whoa, there used to be twelve musclemen -- now there are 23.  The cross used to be about ten feet high.  Now it's over thirty!

As Kelvin grabs the crossbars, the casts on his hands fly off -- a miracle!  Although he is much smaller than the musclemen, he is able to "get it up" -- another miracle!  Keefe drops to his knees, apparently in worship.  He needs to decide whether he wants a boyfriend or a Savior.

When he has achieved leadership with "a proper erection," Kelvin orders the God Squad to get out of his house, then pulls Keefe to his feet.  They hug and do their weird forehead press thing, but don't kiss.  I guess it's been decided for him: Kelvin is the strongest, but not the Messiah, and Keefe is an equal partner, not his disciple. 

Torsten: "It's your house, Bro.  You didn't need to get weird about it."  But of course Kelvin had to prove that he was strong, sexually potent -- a man.

No lions, no tigers, no bears: We cut to Eli and his children rehearsing for his welcome-back service. Notice that Kelvin's shirt and jacket display no roaring animals, and his pants display no club-bulge. His obsession with demonstrating his potency is over. 

Later, Eli tells Jesse that he's grown, healed his family, demonstrated his leadership ability, so he'll give him the money to invest in the Zion's Landing Resort after all.  

But what about Junior -- won't he keep on trying to kill them?  "I think it's time you know the truth," Eli says.

He brings his children to the amusement park, and tells them about Christmas 1993. about Glendon Marsh holding him at gunpoint and Daddy Roy coming to the rescue, or maybe just shooting.  Afterwards, Eli wanted to protect his family, and worried that the scandal of having a murdering Dad would destroy his empire, so he and Martin buried the body under the roller coaster. 

Eli determines that the only way to protect his family from Junior is to come clean, tell him everything. Gulp -- he's already trying to kill you because you rejected his friendship.  What will happen when you tell him about his daddy being murdered?   

Before we continue, a bonus for aficionados of short guys: A dwarf swimming champ from Helsinki.  

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.7: Holding hands among the yurts and eating pizza for desserts. With a nude Jonathan Bennett bonus

In the last episode, Kelvin and Keefe were ejected from the God Squad and kicked out of their house, and Eli was shot several tis and crashed his car. Gulp, he's dead!

Title: "And Infants Shall Rule Over Them."  Isaiah 3.4: "I will make boys their princes, and infants shall rule over them."   Isaiah is describing the upcoming collapse of Jerusalem after social roles are overturned.  We're going to see Jesse and Kelvin as princes here, with their Daddy gone.

When you get tired of discussing erections: Whew, Eli's not dead after all, but he's in a coma. Jesse/Amber and Judy/BJ hug and cry at his bedside.  Kelvin is noticeably absent.  Then the siblings go out into the parking lot and throw up multiple times. followed by the partners.   Is this a common response to grief, or did they all have bad sushi for dinner?

Ok, we're not tired of discussing erections yet:  We cut to Keefe trapped in the God Squad's tiger cage.  There are several openings to look through, but he prefers the glory hole, as if awaiting his next cock.  This time, Sky (Joel Rush, top photo) pushes through, hitting him in the eye!  

Sky didn't really want a blow job, or he would have waited for Keefe to move his mouth into position.  He wanted to tease Keefe, demonstrating what he couldn't have.  The God Squad guys laugh and high-five each other.  In gay communities, and actually among heterosexuals also, the person who performs fellatio is often denigrated, considered physically and socially inferior. Keefe's activity with Kelvin apparently brands him as "a bottom." 

Keefe collapses, screaming in pain, and starts to cry.  He has died and gone to hell, being punished for Kelvin's sins -- a veritable Christ figure.  Note that Keefe undergoes a symbolic death and resurrection in every season.

When the God Squad guys leave, Kelvin appears with food and toiletries.  Interestingly, Keefe calls him by the formal "Brother Kelvin."  He isn't sure that he wants a romantic relationship with this guy who lets him suffer in a tiger cage instead of saying "Game's over! Let Keefe out!" and calling security if the God Squad resists.  But Christ-Keefe doesn't even suggest release; instead, he advises Kelvin that he's as powerful as Eli, just as Jesus was as powerful as his Father.  

Beauty and the Beast:  In church, Jesse announces that Eli was gunned down while driving on Long Point Road. 

Geography note: This is a real road in a suburb of Charleston.  It leads past the Seacoast Church, a megachurch that closely resembles the Salvation Center. 

Afterwards, the family is at their post-church dinner at Jason's Steakhouse, when Kelvin arrives, wearing a dark purple robe, carefully holding his glass of orange drink. 

They yell at him for not being around late;y, but he isn't ready to show himself in public yet. "I am a beast!"  Jesse quips that the robe makes him look like the beauty from Beauty and the Beast.

Next they argue over who will fill the power vacuum left by Eli's absence, until Martin has had enough: "Can't you just be kind to each other? Self-absorbed, loud, arrogant fucking assholes."  That's about the size of it.

Kelvin agrees:"Y'all are a bunch of a-holes."  Jesse points out that he was talking about "you, too, dick-lips."  The term refers to lips that would be especially nice to receive fellatio from: a call-back to the glory hole scene earlier, and yet another reference to Kelvin being gay.  

The Return of Baby Billy: After scenes where Judy promises to become a better person and Gideon announces that he's leaving to take a stunt job, BJ and Tiffany track Baby Billy's movements from his credit card statement.  He's in Winston-Salem, spending money at Sbarro, Bojangles, Tommy Hilfinger, Aeropostale, and the Fossil Watch Store.  

Timeline alert: the dates were all in mid October, 2022. This episode aired on February 13, 2022.  

Tiffany can sound out most of the words; apparently BJ has been teaching her to read.  He has become a father figure. 

In Winston-Salem, Baby Billy is recording a commercial for his new scam, a coconut-flavored health elixir that will cure every disease, even COVID.  Dude, that's false advertising, a criminal offense. On his way out of the studio, BJ, Judy, and Tiffany accost him.  First he tries to hide; then he claims that he was trying to make money to support Tiffany and their son; then he assaults BJ and runs away. 

Jesse's Plan:  After discussing the possibility of blowing up Junior's house and having a heart-to-heart with Martin, Jesse reveals to the siblings his new plan: he'll tell the congregation and the news media that Eli is recovering, and give them his hospital and room number, so the listening Cycle Ninjas will know to where to strike again.  Except Eli won't be there: Jesse will clear the hospital and lay in wait, ready to gun them down. Can you really clear an entire hospital? The siblings think that it's a crazy idea, but he talks them into it: "Let's lie to the church like a fucking family." 

Cut to the ambulances and army jeeps moving Eli to the safe house. Which happens to be his own mansion; is that wise?  Judy, Amber, and the kids join him.

On the third day he rose from the dead:  Meanwhile, Keefe sneaks back to the God Squad compound and tells Keefe: "I'm busting you out of here."  

Wait. When Eli visited, Keefe was already in the tiger cage.  Then he was shot, and they announced that he was in a coma in the Sunday service.  IT'S SUNDAY AGAIN!  Has Keefe been in that cage for over a week?  That would be inconceivably brutal.  Besides it wouldn't fit with the Christ motif: Keefe has to descend "into hell" on Friday, and get resurrected on Sunday.   I think there is a problem with the show's continuity. 

"Are we taking back the house?" Keefe  asks.  I'd be asking a lot more than that, just before I called the police and my lawyer.

"We are ejecting," Kelvin answers. "We'll move in with the rest of the family in the safe house." They run from the Tiger Cage hand in hand, then through the yard to freedom. 

Notice that Kelvin does not have an instrumental reason for offering his hand: Keefe is already standing.  It is purely a gesture of affection..

 This is a significant scene: Kelvin admits that Keefe is a member of the family, and invites a public display of affection that establishes them as a romantic couple.  A scene ago he yelled at Keefe for trying to hold his hand.  Now he initiates it.  

Question: Keefe is wearing only a jockstrap.  Where do they intend to find clothes? Kelvin had to move their stuff out of the master bedroom suite,  but it would still be in the house, right?  

Pizza and Cycle Ninjas:  At the safe house, Keefe goes to work on embedding himself into the family.  First he advises Kelvin to visit his father (and calls him Brother instead of the formal Brother Kelvin).  Then he tries to distract Jesse's kids from the crisis with what he thinks are funny stories.  While they are eating pizza, he notes that as a young boy, he often had pizza for every meal, even for dessert. That's not funny, it's sad.  Where were your parents? 

Personal note: My aunt is only ten years older than me, so I remember her in high school, bringing boyfriends around.  They would invariably try to score points by telling inane "funny" stories.  

We cut to Kelvin visiting the comatose Eli.  He admits that the God Squad was kind of dumb, but he just started it to make Eli proud. And invite a lot of musclemen to the steam showers.  He prays, promising to "never succumb to hubris again" if  God heals Eli.  And Eli speaks!  A miracle! The end.

Oh, right, we still have 15 minutes to go.  Jesse, the men in the family, and the mercenaries waiting in the cleared hospital.   Four Cycle Ninjas appear, armed with rifles. One is shot, and the others flee.  Jesse follows, knocks a second off his motorcycle, and shoves a taser up his butt, enacting an anal rape. Gideon chases and subdues the others.  The end.

Shaun Lynch and Jonathan Bennett after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.6: Yep, they have sex. Plus Judy grows a heart, Torsten a brain, and Amber the noive.

Title: "Never Avenge Yourselves, but Leave It to the Wrath of God." Romans 12:19.  Who will suffer God's wrath?

The Cycle Ninjas:  We begin immediately after the Cycle Ninja attack in Episode 2.4.  Jesse and Amber grab guns and fire on them as they zoom off, grazing one.  He falls off  his motorcycle, but jumps onto his colleague's and gives them the finger.

Later the family, except for Kelvin, gathers in Eli's drawing room to discuss the incident with Sheriff Brenda.  Judy thinks that it was a case of road rage.  Sheriff Brenda thinks that it was a botched robbery by some teenagers: professional assassins would have finished the job.  Eli is sure that Junior sent the Cycle Ninjas to kill him.  Other family members are at risk too, so he puts the compound on lockdown.

Judy complains about being stuck at home, with Tiffany living there after Baby Billy abandoned her. "She cleans everything with vinegar."  Not the time for complaints, girl.  Eli agrees: "Are you incapable of thinking of anyone but yourself?"

Out on the porch, Eli asks if Jesse has been to see Kelvin since the assault: "No. we ain't friends.  He grew up to be a nerd." 

The Second Dressing Room Scene:  We cut to a full body front-and-rear shot of Kelvin, as he stands naked in front of the mirror in his dressing room. "Look at me," he tells Keefe, "A grotesque reflection of what I once was." Dude, you're not going to get any sympathy with that incredible body on display.

 He is distraught over the fight with his father and the loss of the God Squad; he has been de-manned by the symbolic castration. Why should he get dressed?  "I shall remain hidden, like the beast I've become."

 Keefe advises that dressing for the day "soothes the soul," and drops to his knees.  Kelvin pushes his head forward and down to begin oral sex.  We see and (and hear) his climax, orgasm, and post-orgasm release.  Keefe swallows and says "nice." 

The scene lasts only a few seconds, and thus is easy to miss (I missed it the first time).  And it is immersed in the act of getting dressed.  Viewers are expected to be unsure whether they had sex or not, thus continuing the "are they or aren't they?" speculation. 

But the non-sexual explanation makes no sense: 

While stepping into his Tommy Johns, Kelvin steadies himself by pushing on Keefe's head. You steady yourself on your friend's shoulders, not on his head.

Using his hands to push is painful.  Elsewhere he is shown using the palms and base of his hands without pain.  

Keefe says "nice" because...um... Go on? 

Structurally, it is a logical conclusion of the first dressing room scene.  The guys move from quasi-sexual erotic activity to an overt sexual act.

It makes sense for Kelvin's character. He that his injury has rendered him impotent in a society dedicated to the phallus, grotesque in a society that prizes male beauty.   What better way to demonstrate that he is still potent, still beautiful? 

It makes sense for Keefe's character.  You've just gotten a good look at the amazingly hot backside of the Man of Your Dreams, and now you are kneeling with your face three inches from his amazingly hot cock --aroused by your proximity.  What guy could resist going down?

Afterwards, Keefe helps Kelvin get dressed, boops his nose, and puckers up for a kiss.  Kelvin moves in, then changes his mind and abruptly turns aside.  He still resists the idea of romantic love, but he is gradually coming around.

Down in the yard, the God Squad is running a motorcycle over the tennis court and otherwise wilding.  They've even moved into the house.  Kelvin is horrified: "Our empire is crumbling."  Notice that it's now "our" empire; they are equal partners.  Keefe encourages him to prove that he is still strong, physically and mentally: "Your will is not broken, even though your thumbs are."

Judy Grows a Heart:  Judy is signing fan photos with an erect penis and "stay horny," a call back to the Kelvin/Keefe sex scene, while Tiffany calls the area hospitals to see if Baby Billy was  admitted.  Judy scoffs: "He abandoned you."  But Tiffany can't believe it.  Maybe he's still looking for Funyons, and will return with the car loaded-down with them. Maybe he had a stroke, and doesn't remember who he is.  What if he's dead?  

Tiffany starts to cry,  and Judy starts to feel compassion, "thinking of someone other than herself" for maybe the first time in her life. This reminds me of the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz: "If I only had a heart."

Amber Grows Courageous.  Next the Cowardly Lion: "If I only had the noive." At the marital support group, Amber brags about how she chased off the Cycle Ninjas and shot one from 50 yards away.  The women cheer.  Jesse, feeling threatened, argues that they were both shooting, and it's unclear who actually "grazed " the Ninja,  The women aren't having it.  Amber luxuriates in the cheers, feeling for the first time that she's her own person, not just an extension of her partner. 

 Later, Jesse's crew tries to console him for being de-manned by his wife. They suggest some buddy-bonding over craft beers, but he refuses.  He's too upset about "the whole church sucking my wife's dick." Another call-back to Kelvin's blow job.

Holding hands in front of the God Squad: In the gym, Kelvin addresses the God Squad's concerns that his broken thumbs make him an inappropriate leader.  He proves his strength by offering them  "Strawberry Shortcake Bahama Bro Smoothies."  and suggests that they join hands to pray about it. 

The God Squad wonders how he can lead them on missions when he can't even lift a smoothie.  He tries, but spills it all over!  The guys laugh and make rude gestures. Keefe tries to comfort him with a hug, but Kelvin brushes him away.

Finally, Torsten -- the scarecrow, "if I only had a brain" -- figures out that he, and other God Squad members, are twice the size of Kelvin.  He should be leader: "Kelvin, I challenge you!"

"But Torsten, you're my gentle giant," Kelvin protests.  Another favorite?  Have they been in the steam showers together? 

They all rush out for the cross-bearing challenge.  But Kelvin is injured, so Keefe will act in his place.

Bonus: Let's compare Adam Devine's facial expressions with a guy having a real orgasm during oral sex.

Any questions?

More after the break