Kelvin/Keefe Memes: Cooking, testifying, honeymooning, sinking. With Jack from "Will and Grace" and some random nude dudes

I've had nothing but trouble with these memes -- jokes --  featuring Kelvin and Keefe of The Righteous Gemstones and friends.  First the G-rated version got slapped behind a "sensitive content" barrier, and then I accidentally saved the G-rated on the explicit site, and had to reconstruct everything. 

I hope these memes are worth it.

1. I like my coffee hot and black, like my...

Wait, everyone's heard that one. Go back in the bedroom; I'll think of a joke later.

2. BJ and Keefe go to church

BJ: Praise Jesus!  Testify!  I got the Spirit of God in me!

Keefe: When will this be over so Kelvin and I can go home and make out?

3. The Men's Room

Keefe: During my Satanist days, I spent a lot of time in the men's room of that truck stop off Highway17. Want to give it a try?

Kelvin: You always have the best ideas for Date Night.

4. The honeymoon

Kelvin: You want to go sightseeing?  But Keefe, this is only the fifth day of our honeymoon.  The Eiffel Tower can wait.

5. I got your Eiffel Tower right here.

More memes after the break

Tristan Borders pushed up the queer codes as Young Kelvin Gemstone, but what about his other roles? With twink butt and Cleveland cock

  

For a long time, I've been wanting to do a profile of Tristan Borders, who played the young Kelvin in the flashback episodes of The Righteous Gemstones, and gave us so many intentional and unintentional clues to Kelvin's sexual identity -- more than Adam Devine himself, back when most fans were still yelling "He's not gay, just sensitive!"  

In the Season 2 flashback to 1993, four year old Kelvin has two dolls in his bedroom and a Muscle and Fitness cover taped to his wall (not this photo).

In the Season 3 Interlude, a flashback to the summer of 2000, eleven-year old Kelvin complains that his sister forces him to come to the mall with her, to act as a distraction while she shoplifts.  She also criticizes him for having "a tiny little doll pecker," starting an obsession with his size that will bedevil Kelvin through his life and, in 2023, make him reluctant to begin bedroom activities with his boyfriend Keefe.

Young Kelvin also wears a t-shirt with hibiscus flowers in the colors of the Pride Flag.

In the Season 4 Interlude, set in the summer of 2003, Young Kelvin is obviously gay, with a number of feminine mannerisms and an interest in teen idols.  He is a snob and a jerk, constantly denigrating his siblings and their friend Corey.  In a pivotal scene, he is alone in the house when Cobb breaks in to destroy things and steal the family heirloom Gold Bible.

Tristan doesn't have a social media presence, and there's no biographical information online, so all I can use for a profile are his other roles on the iMDB.

His career begins with two episodes of American Rust (2021), with a rust-belt police chief investigating the murder of flawed, troubled cop Pete Novick (Jim Frost, butt left).  Tristan plays Pete's son.

Then two episodes of The First Lady (2022), about three first ladies: Eleanor Roosevelt, Betty Ford, and Michelle Obama. Tristan plays John Roosevelt (1916-91), young son of Franklin (queer actor Charlie Plummer) and Eleanor (gay in real life).

More after the break

Montgomery Brothers Manscaping: "If you've got a dick, we're on it."

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The 18 best Gemstones stories: Kelvin with Percy, Cousin Karl with Vance and Percy, Keefe with Gideon, Pontius with Stacy. Plus Abraham comes out

 

I never wrote fan fiction before, but I got the urge frequently during the run of The Righteous Gemstones, to "fix" terrible plotlines, expand upon minor characters, and respond to the incessant "that doesn't make Kelvin gay" fan complaints.   There are 25 on Archive of Our Own, but I've only reposted 18 here:

Before Season 1

How do I Know If I'm G...:  Pontius pressures his older brother, 16-year old Gideon, into coming to his sleepover.  He invites the "juvenile delinquent" Manny, gets his first kiss, and wonders if he is g___.

During/After Season 1

My Boyfriend and my Satanist Ex-boyfriend at Thanksgiving Dinner.  Kelvin wants them to stay closeted at Thanksgiving Dinner with Keefe's family, but his ex-boyfriend, Daedalus, is coming, too, and wants to get back together.

Is there Sex After Death?  Scotty dies in Episode 1.8, but Grandma Aimee-Leigh guides him through all the moments of Gideon's life, so he can forgive him for all the moments lost to pettiness and fear.

Kelvin and Keefe under the Christmas tree.  After the events of Season 1, everyone thinks that Kelvin and Keefe are boyfriends -- except for Kelvin.

During/After Season 2

BJ's Angels.  I envision Gideon and two members of the God Squad getting jobs as detectives in a Charlie's Angels parody, with BJ as Charlie.

During/After Season 3

Bondage doesn't solve everything.  There were several hints in Episodes 1-2 that Kelvin and Keefe were into BDSM, so I wrote a story where they guys break up during a BDSM scene, then reconcile when Kelvin arranges for Keefe to get a job as manager of the Gemstone Health Club.

Kelvin's Rebound Date with Percy.  Percy appears in just one scene, as an interior designer working on the church board room.  In this story, Kelvin is distraught after the Episode 3.4 breakup, and his siblings suggest that he move on...with a date with Percy.

Gideon Moves out of the Friend Zone. After the Episode 3,4 breakup, Gideon gets the nerve to ask Keefe out.  They have a hookup, but is that enough to move out of the friend zone?

The Kiss Heard 'Round the World.  The day of the Episode 3.8 Kelvin/Keefe kiss, seen through the eyes of Amber, Gideon, Eli, Judy, Keefe, and Jesse.

More after the break

Adam's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1: Forehead presses, anal poopers, divine dicks, an Oz salute, and Kermit the Frog

This is a collection of hot or humorous photos of Adam Devine, star of Workaholics, The Righteous Gemstones, and just about everything else.  I've already posted most of his available cock shots, but not to worry, he has lots of co-sars and friends. 

1. The "I lost my swimsuit in the ocean" excuse is getting old, buddy.

2. Adam's physique has been compared to Schwarzenegger's.  Not favorably, just compared.

3.  "I know he's not much to look at, but he makes me laugh." Girl, you’re looking in the wrong place .

.

4. Oh, for...three years of Kelvin/Keefe forehead presses, and now this!  Just kiss him, and save us all a lot of aggravation!

5. In The Out-Laws, Adam plays a hapless bank manager who butts heads with rival manager Dean Winters, here giving an Oz nude salute.

6. Adam's new commode, for turning bathroom time into fun time. It looks nice and all, but how do you poop?

More Adam after the break

Richie Rich joins a gym. With bonus Rory, Kieran, and Ansel cocks, and "Kelvin Gemstone, Boy Adventurer"

Richie Rich, an impossibly wealthy 12-year old boy in a Little Lord Fauntleroy suit, was a mainstay of Harvey Comics from his first introduction in 1953 until the company folded in 1982.   

You may be familiar with the 1994 movie version, starring Macaulay Culkin and his brother Rory (above) as Richie Rich, and Michael Maccarone, aka Maccadeath, as his pal Omar (Freckles in the comics)

The reviews were awful.  But what about the comics?

They started as exclusively humorous -- Richie wants to jump rope, but can't find one, so he uses a huge pearl necklace. I never cared much for them, preferring the science-fiction and mystery-style stories of Casper's Ghostland

But by the 1970s, Richie was augmenting the humor with serious Hardy Boys-style mysteries, paranormal, espionage, and adventure stories.  They were more interesting, if you could overlook the Little Lord Fauntleroy suit that he continued to wear.

By the end of his run, Richie was starring in over fifty monthly or bimonthly titles, far more than all of the other Harvey characters put together.  

So many thousands of stories required a huge supporting cast, so Richie quickly received a girlfriend, , some boy pals from the wrong side of the tracks, a mischievous cousin, a gold-digger with a crush on him -- or his money -- and crossovers from the other naturalistic Harvey comics, Little Dot, Little Lotta, and Little Audrey (I don't know why all the girls were "little").  He  paired with Casper the Friendly Ghost, although he always explained their adventures together as dreams. He even got a boyfriend.

But his most significant boy pal was Jackie Jokers.

 

48 issues of Richie Rich and Jackie Jokers appeared between 1973 and 1982, with humorous and adventure stories pairing Richie with the 12-year old stand-up comedian.  It soon became apparent that they liked each other.  A lot   Holding hands during the crisis, hugging when the crisis was averted, stammering "If anything were to happen to you....".  

Left: nuclear war in a kids' comic.

In one story, Jackie makes his romantic intentions very clear: "If you weren't always wearing that silly red bowtie, I'd marry you."  He'll take the tie off for the honeymoon, dude.

Coincidentally or not, during this same time period, Richie begins to beef up.  Previously the shirtless and swimsuit shots depicted a nondescript cartoon body.  Now he had biceps, pecs, and abs, to draw the interest of the preteen gay boys who were reading about his romance with Jackie Jokers. 

The cover art contrasted his buff bod with horrible puns.  It must have been difficult to make up 50 money-based puns every month.

Some dicks after the break

The ten best and ten worst Gemstones episodes, from the incredible "Wicked Lips" to the nonsensical, queerbaitiing "Burn For Burn, Stripe for Stripe"

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Gemstones Season 4 Finale: Saying goodbye to the Gemstones. With eight gay/bi characters, countless cocks, and a friggin' glory hole.

 

In March 2023, my partner and I subscribed to the streaming service HBO/MAX to watch science fiction programs like The Last of Us and Doctor Who.  He  also wanted to watch The Righteous Gemstones, a comedy/drama about "a famous and dysfunctional family of televangelists," but "No, thanks." After a childhood of preachers screaming "God hates you!" every Wednesday night and twice on Sunday, I thought that even a critique of evangelical homophobia would be too traumatic.

Then one day I was walking through the living room on the way to a snack, and I saw the Gemstones walking in slow motion toward Jason's Steakhouse: A nuclear family husband, wife, and kids; another male-female couple and their pregnant daughter; and, taking up the rear, a gay couple!  They were holding hands!  They joined the others at the dinner table with no recriminations, no stupid questions about "which of you is the man?", no yelling about the Book of Leviticus.  I was astonished.

Watching from the beginning, I found a show that was crass, vulgar, and often grotesque, with annoying plot holes and a complete disregard for internal consistency.  Plus it took forever for the showrunners to admit that Kelvin and Keefe were canon, resulting in endless annoying "they're really straight buddies" arguments. But once they were acknowledged, Season 4 became a masterpiece of gay inclusion, with their wedding the pivotal moment of the entire series.  

A gay wedding was the pivotal moment in a series about Evangelicals!

Plus: A more obvious, and highly erotic, romance between Gideon and Scotty.

Both Eli and Baby Billy have gay relationships in their past.

Queer coded characters everywhere.  Just when you think there couldn't be any more, they start dropping hints about Pontius. 

Two homoerotic bands of brothers taken directly from Tom of Finland prints.

A near total absence of heterosexual activity, and almost no lady parts.

Nonstop beefcake.

Penises in nearly every episode.  

 A friggin' glory hole!

Gay men were not only welcome at the table, the table was designed for them.  In the midst of some profound theological questions about faith and forgiveness.

There has never been anything on tv like it.

Two years have passed, with two conference presentations, a scholarly book, two blogs with over 500 reviews and profiles each, over 20 fan stories, and endless fan discussions. And now it's time to say goodbye (sort of).

Fortunately, the Series Finale features a special goodbye message for those viewers who found the show, and the characters, especially meaningful:

Saying Goodbye is Never Easy: During the Kelvin-Keefe wedding reception, while Eli watches everyone dancing, we hear the letter that  his deceased wife Aimee-Leigh wrote to her best friend Lori  years ago:

Saying goodbye is never easy -- it's not something I've ever been good at.  Sometimes it's easier to never say goodbye and just leave things where they lay.  Don't wrap it up all nice and neat.  

Hear that, fans?  We're not going to tie up every loose end.

The Grave:  Eli hugging Lori as she cries at Corey's grave.   

Takeaways: 

1. Corey was born in 1976, so he's six years older than Jesse, making it unusual for them to be friends.  Imagine a 10 year old and a 16 year old hanging out.

2. Season 4 begins in September 2024.  Corey dies in July 2025.  The wedding takes place several months later, I estimate in October.

3. Continuity error: the Gator Farm Massacre occurred in late June or early July 2025.  Earlier we read that Big Dick Mitch went missing in March 2024.  No way he was a prisoner for over a year.  

Don't look for closure in a goodbye.  We rarely get the closure we want. Most times we don't even get the closure we need.  Sometimes things happen and the life we knew is taken from us, just like that. It can happen fast.

I'll need a minute.

Hugging: Back at the reception. Eli grins at the people dancing and hugging.  Jesse and Amber hug.  Kelvin dances with Aunt Tiffany and his sister Judy. Keefe hugs Uncle Baby Billy.  

Cut to Baby Billy, Tiffany, and their Nanny having a picnic. 

It's in those times you realize how precious friends are, family.  

The Gold Bible: The Siblings install the Gold Bible, the Maguffin of the season, on a pedestal at the Salvation Center, in front of a video presentation about Aimee-Leigh and Eli's ministry.

How important it is to let Jesus' love find you through them so we can lift each other up. 

Gideon Finds His Place: Performing at the opening of the new Gemstone Christian Skatepark, Gideon is able to combine his interest in stuntwork and the ministry. Banners say: Christian Skate Summit.

A shot of Jesse talking to his arch-nemesis Vance Simkins was cut. Apparently they're on friendly terms.

Jesse's kids, Pontius and Abraham, with Ash on one side and Edge on the other, gawk at the stunts.  Now there are girl skaters; previously Pontius' group has been entirely male.  I'm calling it: he's bi. 

And Abraham's pink shirt?  Plus check out his room in Episod 1.1: pictures of Holly Hobby dolls and a ballerina nightlight.  He's gay. Prove me wrong.

Aimee-Leigh continues: So we can fly even higher.   

Shot of Gideon flying high.

More after the break

16 hot/hung Gemstone guest stars, from Semen Load Blair to Purple Dildo Nick

Since we're winding down the recaps of The Righteous Gemstones, I thought I'd post a list of my favorite Gemstone extras and guest stars, guys who appeared in only one or two scenes, but still made a big impression.  

And a bigger impression when I checked on their other roles and physique photos.

1.  Blair Jackson, the Semen Load Thug.  The boyfriend of Dot Nancy, who Kelvin and Keefe are trying to draw away from Satan.  Keefe finds a used condom, and when Blair approaches, says "I bet that was his semen load."  Modeling and nude photos.

2. Dakare Chatman. A member of Kelvin's youth group, and later the guy who buys Junior's illegal gambling operation.  The actor is gay.

3. Jak Kristowski (left). Appears with Pontius when he is sent to the Citadel, a military college in Charleston.  Then his scene was cut, but he still showed us his stuff.

3. Braxton Alexander (left).  A boy who rejects the teenage Judy.  To get even, teenage Jesse pulls down his pants, revealing his butt and cock to the school.  And this is a humiliation because....

5. Ian Winningkoff.  The teenage Cousin Chuck Montgomery appears in two scenes.  I don't remember if he has any lines.  Cute but straight.

6. Cullen Moss (left).  The security guard who flirts with Scotty, and later is shown reading a muscle magazine.  Nude photos from another tv series or movie.

7. Gogo Lomo-David.  The probably-gay brother of homophobic rival megachurch pastor Vance Simkins. Gay in real life.

8. The Naked Thugs.  Three guys hired by the evil Rev. Seasons to destroy Eli's satellite church.  Eli captures them and forces them to run naked through the mall.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

You are invited to Kelvin and Keefe's wedding, with 10 new scenes and exclusive photos from the honeymoon

 

Here are some additional scenes from the event of the year, wedding of Kelvin Gemstone (Adam Devine) and Keefe Chambers (Tony Cavalero), on The Righteous Gemstones Episode 4.9

1. The cover of the wedding program.

2. Martin, the church accountant: "Once upon a time, there were two  princes who fell in love."  The family applauds.

3. Sola, the nanny for Baby Billy and Tiffany's children: "Alles gutes zum Hochzeitstag." (Happy Wedding Day).

4. Nephew Pontius: "Hey, Uncle Kelvin and Uncle Keefe. I hope you guys have a great marriage. Don't f*k too hard, ok?"

5. Nephew Gideon: "What Pontius is trying to say is, let your love... may your love be a blessing."  Looks like he is vaping.

Pontius clarifies:  "Let your love be deep and hard...deep and hard.  Best wishes, guys."

6. Kelvin and Keefe dance. Keefe does The Worm.  He lifts Kelvin in his arms.

7. The nephews spin around and blow bubbles. 

8. We see other family members: BJ, Judy, and Amber.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.