Gemstones Season 4 Memes: Kelvin is kissing, Jesse is packing, and Pontius is coming out. With random n*de dudes and the Wicked Witch of the West

  

This is a series of memes -- jokes -- from The Righteous Gemstones Season 4.  Most don't don't require you to have any background knowledge of the show.  There are also a few random n*de dudes.

1. Random n*de dude

2. Isn't the wiener-licking monster implied?

Keefe" I don't have time for the Kissy Monster right now."

Kelvin: "How about the Wiener-Licking Monster"?

3. Listing the heterosexuals would be faster

Vance: "How many homosexuals in your family?"

Jesse: "If you mean gay men, just two.  If you mean bi/pan guys, there's Daddy, Uncle Baby Billy, Keefe, Pontius, and...why are you in that position?"

4. Don't forget jumping out of buildings.

My name is Gideon Gemstone.

My first boyfriend was the Devil.

I took out the Cycle Ninjas.

I smashed the Brotherhood of Tomorrow's Fires.

I'm a skateboard phenom.

But the greatest challenge I'll ever face is preaching the Sunday sermon.

5. Jesse knows what he likes.

Corey: "Are you as turned on as I am?"

Don't worry, Gaven Wilde, Sean Ryan Fox, and their characters are all over 18

6. Corey cock.  

More memes after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.6: Kelvin cruises teen idols, Jesse hangs dong, and Cobb gets his cobb bit off. With Ricky Martin and the Italian Stallion

 

Previous: Gemstone Episode 4.5, Continued: Kelvin crashes, the Monkey fumes, and Eli gets a wake-up call

Title: "Interlude IV."  The Interlude is usually Episode 5, but this season started with a stand-alone.  We're halfway through the action in the present day, with Kelvin's meltdown, Judy's jealousy over the monkey, and Eli and Lori dealing with violence.

The New Parking Lot: 2002.  Eli is standing before the County Zoning Board, discussing his plan to build a 10-acre parking lot at the Salvation Center, which would involve buying and demolishing neighboring houses.   He claims that they bring thousands of people to town, who spend money, so it's a "win-win" situation.  Aimee-Leigh points out that they're also bringing in jobs.  The townsfolk growl and complain.  So am I.  Zoning restrictions?  How boring can you get? 

Cute council member Terry Cook is eating a donut.  A background player notes that they did several takes, asking him to convey anger and eat an egg.  

The cast list is not yet up on the IMDB, and googling "Terry Cook" doesn't work, but he looks like Jamie McGuire, the creepy-grin creature on "From." 

 The council president yells: "You may be able to buy out desperate people, Dr. Gemstone, but that doesn't make it right!"   She notes that the county board usually rubber-stamps their crazy plans, but not this time: "The crowd of people behind you is voiceless, and someone has to be their voice!"  

The plan is rejected, and the couple leaves in defeat. Aimee-Leigh wonders why they're even doing this ministry stuff.

Eli: "For the lake house."  That is, for the money. Um...serving God?  Spreading the Gospel? Helping people?

They walk out into a huge demonstration.  Someone shoves pies in their faces.

Writers: This sequence has no connection to the plot.  In Season 3, the Y2K scandal caused Peter's meltdown and enmity toward the Gemstones, but Cobb's enmity has nothing to do with the new parking lot.

Corey Defends Daddy: At the lake house, Lori's husband Cobb (Michael Rooker) is trying to water-ski, but Eli drives too fast, and he capsizes. His manhood challenged, he splutters and swears. 

Meanwhile, on a raft-slide, Young Judy and Jesse laugh at him, which upsets Young Corey.

Young Kelvin defends him, pointing out that at least Cobb is trying, whereas Jesse spends all his time "being bad, having sex."  This has resulted in Amber getting pregnant.  The enraged Jesse tries to attack, but Corey stops him.

A New Album: While Lori and Aimee-Leigh watch their husband in the water, posturing to see who will become the Silverback, they advise the very pregnant Amber that she should go inside and take a nap.  She refuses, so they discuss how much they dislike their kids until Amber gets tired of it and leaves.

Then they discuss recording a new album; they haven't recorded together in years. 

Cut to the studio, where they are making up song lyrics while Judy listens.  Kelvin eavesdrops from outside the door. 

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.5, Continued: Kelvin crashes, the Monkey fumes, and Eli gets a wake-up call. With Stefano d*ck and Beghe bottom

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Gemstones Episode 4.4, Continued: Keefe in drag, Pontius with three dicks, Jasper with one, and Casper the Friendly Ghost

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Jesse jealous, and Kelvin scared.  Plus a Big Dick and a play within a play

In the first part of Episode 4.4, the family gathers at the lake house Galilee Gulch, where Jesse and Kelvin hatch schemes to break up their father Eli and his new girlfriend, Lori.  We get some d*cks and beefcake, some cute Kelvin-Keefe scenes, and breakup plots from Jesse and Kelvin.

I forgot to post this photo of Tony in the swimming pool scene, bulge at the ready. 

And this one of BJ, Amber, and the nephews hanging out, with the cute attendant in the background (still can't find him on the IMDB).  Abraham is shirtless, but not old enough to be a hunk.  Maybe a hunkoid.

BJ is angry because he spilled his drink.    

I

Judy's Breakup Plan:  Jesse and Kelvin have failed in their attempts to break up Eli and Lori, so Judy decides to use her "super power": the ability to incite the erotic interest of anyone who sees her.  She goes to Lori's room and tries to seduce her.  Lori just stands there, glaring.

Left: I didn't want to illustrate the scene with pics of Lori and Judy, so here's a Daddy by the pool.

Next she offers Lori $500,000 to break up with Eli. "If I was in it for the money, why wouldn't I stick around for a lot more?"  

Ok, so Judy orders her to break up with Eli, or she'll claim that Lori tried to rape her.  Lori yells "Are we done?" and tries to mother her: her husband is injured, she's scared, and so on.

Takeaway: Judy wouldn't know that her seduction technique works on women unless she's tried it out.  Add her to the ever-growing list of bi/pan Gemstones. 

Keefe in Drag: Saturday night.  In bed, Kelvin is distraught over the continuance of the Eli/Lori romance.  Keefe asks if he can do anything to help: "Not unless you can bring my dead Mama back to life." The episode title is about Jesus rising from the dead, and the siblings worship their Mama, so it would make sense.

Keefe decides on the next best thing:  dress-up.  He puts on one of Aimee-Leigh's dresses, her wig, her glasses, and some makeup (wait -- where did he get makeup?),  goes to Eli's room, and tries to haunt him: "I'm the ghost of your dead wife. Break up with Lori."  Eli doesn't respond, so Keefe crawls on top of him and starts singing Aimee-Leigh's signature song, "Misbehavin'"

 

Suddenly Eli and Lori awaken; everyone screams.  Keefe rushes out and falls down the staircase into the parlor whereupon the Nanny, thinking that he is an intruder, pulverizes him.  

"Who are you?" she shouts.

"I'm just a ghost -- a friendly ghost."

First he consorted with Hot Stuff, the Little Devil, and now he's Casper the Friendly Ghost.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Jesse jealous, and Kelvin scared. Plus a Big Dick and a play within a play

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.3, Continued: Vance is homophobic, Jesse is sad, and Kelvin is doomed.  With Ryan, Vance, and Hamlet d*cks

Title: "He Goeth Before You Into Galilee."  Matthew 28.7 Mary Magdalene and the other Mary see that the tomb of Jesus is empty.  An angel tells them to tell the disciples that he has risen from the dead, and "he goeth before you ointo Galilee."  

Welcome to Galilee Gulch.  Baby Billy water-skiing naked, nice shots of his dong and butt.  That's two Baby Billy dongs in four episodes.

Then the Gemstones and Milsaps arrive at Galilee Gulch, a huge "lake house" on Lake Marion, about an hour north of Charleston.  Coincidentally, the house where they filmed is owned by a gay couple.

Pontius complains; Jesse makes him carry in some bags.  

Some cute attendants, who aren't in the cast list, take care of the wheelchair-using BJ, who complains that the whole place is inaccessible.  He'll be constantly complaining about everything through the episode.

Keefe wants to go waterskiing naked, like Uncle Baby Billy, but Kelvin doesn't want to hang dong with his uncle.  Then he forces Keefe to carry the gigantic trunk full of shoes into the house.  That's no way to treat your partner, buddy.  At least he calls Keefe "Sweetheart."

The Breakup Plan: Uncle Baby Billy disapproves of the Eli-Lori relationship -- we aren't told why, but maybe he knows something from Lori's past -- and pushes the siblings into a plan to break them up. The siblings point out that they arranged this weekend retreat because the lake house is full of Aimee-Leigh's things, and will certainly cause Eli to feel guilty about "abandoning Mama." 

For instance, Eli and Lori's bedroom still has Aimee-Leigh's clothes in the closet,  He orders the eavesdropping siblings to call "the help" and have them moved out.  

Kelvin is pretending to read the complete works of William Shakespeare.  Another clue that we're in the middle of Hamlet.

To refresh your memory: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, suspects that his mother and uncle, Gertrude and Claudius, conspired to murder his father and take the throne.  He kills his trusted advisor; his girlfriend commits suicide; Gertrude is poisoned; he kills Claudius, then dies himself.  "The rest is silence."  Well, there's no one left alive.

The New Nanny: Baby Billy is being nasty to his wife and children ("Get them out of here!"), and expresses his hatred for the butch Germanic nanny, Sola (Kirsten Schultze).  So why not fire her?

Gideon is Gay:  Friday dinner. Kelvin, Keefe, Abraham, and BJ are playing blackjack, the others sitting around a kitchen island.  Jesse gets jealous because Gideon is sitting next to Eli, and they shared a joke. 

 Jesse is treating Gideon as a romantic partner who is cheating on him with Eli.  That is not really happening, of course, but it is heavily implied that Gideon is gay, for the first time since Season 1 -- back then he got more queer codes than Kelvin.  I guess they can't drop hints about Kelvin and Keefe anymore, so they have to do Gideon.

Corey apologizes for his reaction to Eli/Lori, and brings in 100 pounds of barbecued pork. 

More after the break, including a big dick

Gemstones Episode 4.3: Keefe has sex with the Devil. So does Eli. With a pole dancer's dick and the Groundskeeper's butt

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Gemstones Episode 4.2: Baby Billy's dong, BJ's pole, Kelvin's pipe, and the Clobber Verses

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.1: Elijah scoundrels, Winston dies, and Kelvin screams

Title: "You Hurled Me Into the Depths, Into the Very Heart of the Sea." Jonah 2.3: Jonah is in the belly of the great fish, praying for deliverance (not a whale -- there are no whales in the Mediterranean Sea).

Gemstone Roll Call: A gold-and-purple Baby Billy announces Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin in angel costumes.  The rest of the family joins them on stage for the Aimee-Leigh Birthday Give-A-Thon.  Keefe does a high kick.  The siblings appear in jetpacks, and rise up over the stage, but things go wrong and they crash.  Fortunately, it's just a rehearsal.

Baby Billy's Dong:  In the dressing room, the siblings refuse to continue with the jetpack bit, but Baby Billy insists: this is too important. So he's in charge now? And where the heck is Eli?   Somewhere in Florida. He won't answer their phone calls. 

Baby Billy then drops his trousers to flop his dong around: "This is what a real man looks like.  I booked all these people to the Give-a-Thon, so Eli has to be there!"   Fans were complaining that the stunt cock guy had no balls.  Who's looking for balls?

Eli Hooks Up:  Somewhere in Florida (actually the Keys), a grotesque long-haired Eli awakens on his boat, Nice Mussels, and cooks eggs for the lady he "69ed for 45 minutes" last night.  She wants more of his "thick breakfast sausage" instead, but he explains that he is not ready for a relationship.  He's still trying to figure out what he wants.  Dude, you're 73.  Better hurry.  Besides, "I don't like you."  

She rushes off, but Eli struts down the dock, smoking a cigar, cruising the ladies.  Easter Egg: he has a cap from Adams College, a call-back to "Revenge of the Nerds"

Uh-oh, it's the siblings, for some reason dressed in their Cape and Pistol society costumes.  Judy has an unexplained bandaged hand.  They yell at Eli for drinking too much, and when they find a bra, hooking up with ladies.  "Am I supposed to be in mourning all my life?"  "Yes!"  They had the same argument in Season 2, when Eli hooked up with a lady after Bowling Night.

He refuses to go to the telethon.  The siblings annoy him by saying "p*ssy" over and over, and making the tongue-through-fingers gesture, until he consents.  How does Kelvin know about that?

Time to set up the sibling conflicts for the season:

BJ's Pole:  BJ (not pictured) is in a pole dancing class otherwise occupied entirely by women (the casting call asked for men, too, but I guess none showed up).  Judy disapproves of him spending so much time aroiund hot ladies, or having any life outside of her, but he explains that the "physical rigor and slightly taboo nature of pole dancing" has keyed into his obsessive nature, like pickleball in Season 3 and skating in Season 2.  BJ's story arc always involves trying to become his own person, distinct from Judy.

It turns out that pole dancing is a competitive sport, with men and women participants.

Loud and Proud after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.1: Elijah scoundrels, Winston dies, and Kelvin screams. With Bradley's bottom and Jackson's junk

Previous: Gemstones Season 3 Finale: Kelvin and Keefe married?  Pontius a dark lord?  Peter redeemed through the Redeemer?

Title: "Prelude."  This is not really an episode of The Righteous Gemstones at all.  It's a full theatrical movie starring Bradley Cooper, who you know as Ben in Wet Hot American Summer and Rocket Raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy.  So I'll do a scene-by-scene.

Scene 1: A small country church in Virginia, 1862.  Pastor Adam Grieves (Josh McDermitt) preaches and takes an offering.  After the service, rogue Elijah Gemstone (Bradley Cooper) shoots him and steals the offering money and his gold-plated Bible (this will be important later).

Uh-oh, before he can escape, Confederate troops arrive at the church and, mistaking him for the pastor, announce that he's been drafted to be chaplain for their division, heading to Fredericksburg. It pays $50 per month ($2000 in today's money), plus room and board.

Overjoyed, Elijah asks for a moment to gather his things.  He changes clothes with Pastor Grieves, bashes his face in so no one will recognize him, and writes a note: "This is the body of a crook who tried to rob me.  He was handsome.  His name was Elijah Gemstone."   He was handsome?  Got yourself some same-sex desire going on, buddy?

Scene 2: A battle, with lots of Confederate soldiers being killed. Their grim faces flash by.  A boy gets his leg blown off.  600,000 soldiers died, plus about 1,000,000 civilians. 6% of the young adult men from the North, and 18% from the South

Captain Cane (Jim Cummings) approaches Elijah with the rumor that he was gambling and drinking with the guys last night, inappropriate behavior for a Man of God.  He denies it, and further threatens the Captain with hellfire for spreading rumors.Does this remind you of Jesse's sex-and-drugs party from Season 1?

Scene 3: Elijah is called to pray with the boy who got his leg blown off (Alex Saxon).  He is dying and afraid, but Elijah just pretends to pray.  

Cut to night, with Elijah is drinking and gambling with the guys.

Scene 4: Time to preach the Sunday sermon.  Elijah can't do it, so he just says "God doesn't expect us to be perfect.  We make mistakes, but we're trying to be good, and that's good enough."  In Baptist theology, you don't need to try: once you are saved, you are incapable of committing new sins. But Elijah doesn't know that.

Cut to more drinking and gambling, followed by trying to avoid praying with another dying soldier, Winston (Jackson Kelly).  This one is worried that he won't go to heaven, because he's killed people, but Elijah assures him that God has made an exception on his "Thou shalt not kill" policy for soldiers who are forced to fight. 

Scene 5: Elijah and the soldiers bathing in the river (blurry d*ck shot).  Afterwards Ned Rollins (Kimball Farley) announces that he recognizes Elijah from before the War. "It took me awhile, but I saw the way you shuffle the deck of cards, with your pinkie out like a woman."  So Elijah has some femme/gay characteristics?  Does he remind you of Kelvin?

His cover blown, Elijah attacks, but Ned just wants to partner with him: Major McFall (James Landry Hebert) is coming to camp tomorrow.  He's starting a card game, and he is loaded.  They could take him.

Cut to the card game.  They take him.  Then, worried that he will say something, Elijah kills Ned and stuffs his body in one of the coffins. And now he's Judy

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 3.2: Kelvin's butt buddies, gay Percy, two toxic families, and some military dicks

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Gemstones Episode 3.1 Continued: Kelvin withholds sex, Judy cheats, and Jesse fights, with some random butts

Previous: Episode 3.1:  Kelvin collect cocks, the Simpkins smirk, and Dusty flirts.  With a Brazilian boner bonus

Left: Alessandro Borghi.

The Book Signing: Eli is at a bookstore, signing copies of his "definitive autobiography" -- his third. Did you mention having a gay son?  Suddenly May-May, who attacked his wife Aimee-Leigh back in 2000, hands him one of his earlier books: Y2K: When the World Goes Dark. 

In 1999. many claimsmakers worried that computers were only set up for the 1900s, so on January 1, 2000, they would all reset. Bank accounts would empty; airplanes would fall from the sky; the world would descend into chaos. Some evangelists, like Eli Gemstone, made money by connecting the Y2K bug with end-time prophecies.

Eli is not happy to see his May-May -- he has a restraining order against her.  But she needs his help.  Wait -- you storm in and throw his old book at him to ask for help?  

Later, Eli records the section of his autobiography about Y2K: when the world didn't end, he and Aimee-Leigh had to face anger and ridicule. 

Marital Squabbles: A commercial: after a montage of heterosexual couples arguing and then being deliriously happy, Amber introduces her System (stupid name): for $500, you get a jar and some beads.  Or go to Wal-Mart and buy the set-up for $10. 

She doesn't explain how to use them, just "if your marriage is important to you," you need the System. 

Cut to some marital problems. First, Judy's husband BJ is at the Gemstone Welcome Center, talking to a group of potential church members about how to get their tithes automatically deducted from their bank accounts. Judy, feeling guilty about withholding sex, brings him some gifts and tells him what a great husband he is, BJ thinks that things are a little off in their marriage, but Judy gaslights him: "Things are fine. Why are you being weird?"  Check out his hot-pink ruffled outfit, part of the ongoing joke that couple is gender-transgressive, with Judy as the masculine partner, and BJ the feminine.

Next,  Jesse drops Kelvin and Keefe's house. Keefe is melting down some weird phallic objects on the grill in the back yard.  When he asks what they are burning, Kelvin, morosely lying on the diving board of the pool, responds "Devils' objects."

Why is he morose?  The last we saw of him was at Dusty Daniels' racetrack. But this scene is coming directly after the Judy/BJ marital problem scene, and since the two relationships usually appear in tandum, we have to conclude that we just missed a "Things are fine.  Why are you being so weird?" conversation. 

There is a nude woman on the urn pedestal next to them.  Apparently Kelvin and Keefe are too closeted for back yard sculptures with nude men.

Keefe is wearing a BDSM fetish outfit: several chokers, a slave collar with padlock, a vinyl top with built-in pecs and abs, and vinyl pants (I think). This again suggests that something has gone wrong. He wanted "cuddling," but Kelvin refused, ordering him to burn some sex toys instead -- destroy some penises?   

Notice that while Kelvin and Jesse are discussing their anxiety over leading the church, Keefe grabs a toy to use for anal sex from the pile, tries to hide it, and brings it into the house.  

Aha!  Kelvin is specifically refusing to take the passive role in anal sex.  The random butts in the illustrations demonstrate Keefe's main erotic interest.

Many gay men consider oral  and other non-insertive acts trivial, used for recreation or to alleviate sexual tension.  Even a straight guy will go down on a buddy to "help him out." But anal is "real sex," "going all the way."  Kelvin is refusing "real sex." Why?

Left: Connor MacGregor

We cut to the reason Judy has been withholding sex with BJ: she is having an affair with her guitarist, Stephen (Stephen Schneider, below).  

Trigger alert: they engage in a quasi-sexual act to disgusting to describe here.  

Since the couples' stories are usually parallel, viewers may conclude that Kelvin, too, is having an affair.  Actually, he is not -- yet.  Then why is he withholding sex? 

Unless you are asexual and work something out, romantic partners must balance eros and phileo.  Eros, sexual desire, leads to that intimacy, intensity, and passion that keeps the couple focused on each other. Phileo, friendship, keeps the couple focused on the outside world, leading to discussions of art, music, or sports, placing them in a friendship group, a family, and a society.

Last season Kelvin tried to eliminating the phileo, being all about sex. Every word, every image evoked the homoerotic. His physique, butt, and bulge were constantly on display, presenting him as the Messiah of Muscle, leading his followers to a paradise of masculine beauty. Until it didn't work: you can't build a society, or a romantic relationship, on sex alone.

This season he seems to be eliminating the eros, withholding sex, or maybe permitting "fooling around" only -- no smut, no lust, no coconuts.  We see no pecs, no butt, no bulge this season -- not until Episode 3.8, when he realizes that this won't work, either.  The problem is, a romance without physical intimacy looks and feels very much like a platonic friendship, until eventually you wonder if you are really in love at all.

More Stephen after the break