Gemstones Episode 4.2: Baby Billy's dong, BJ's pole, Kelvin's pipe, and the Clobber Verses

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.1: Elijah scoundrels, Winston dies, and Kelvin screams

Title: "You Hurled Me Into the Depths, Into the Very Heart of the Sea." Jonah 2.3: Jonah is in the belly of the great fish, praying for deliverance (not a whale -- there are no whales in the Mediterranean Sea).

Gemstone Roll Call: A gold-and-purple Baby Billy announces Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin in angel costumes.  The rest of the family joins them on stage for the Aimee-Leigh Birthday Give-A-Thon (in case you're interested, she was born on September 21, 1955).

Keefe does a high kick.  The siblings appear in jetpacks, and rise up over the stage, but things go wrong and they crash.  Fortunately, it's just a rehearsal.

Baby Billy's Dong:  In the dressing room, the siblings refuse to continue with the jetpack bit, but Baby Billy insists: this is too important. So he's in charge now? And where the heck is Eli?   Somewhere in Florida. He won't answer their phone calls. 

Baby Billy then drops his trousers to flop his dong around: "This is what a real man looks like.  I booked all these people to the Give-a-Thon, so Eli has to be there!"   Fans were complaining that the stunt cock guy had no balls.  Who's looking for balls?

Eli Hooks Up:  Somewhere in Florida (actually the Keys), a grotesque long-haired Eli awakens on his boat, Nice Mussels, and cooks eggs for the lady he "69ed for 45 minutes" last night.  She wants more of his "thick breakfast sausage" instead, but he explains that he is not ready for a relationship.  He's still trying to figure out what he wants.  Dude, you're 73.  Better hurry.  Besides, "I don't like you."  

She rushes off, but Eli struts down the dock, smoking a cigar, cruising the ladies.  Easter Egg: he has a cap from Adams College, a call-back to "Revenge of the Nerds"

Uh-oh, it's the siblings, for some reason dressed in their Cape and Pistol society costumes.  Judy has an unexplained bandaged hand.  They yell at Eli for drinking too much, and when they find a bra, hooking up with ladies.  "Am I supposed to be in mourning all my life?"  "Yes!"  They had the same argument in Season 2, when Eli hooked up with a lady after Bowling Night.

He refuses to go to the telethon.  The siblings annoy him by saying "p*ssy" over and over, and making the tongue-through-fingers gesture, until he consents.  How does Kelvin know about that?

Time to set up the sibling conflicts for the season:

BJ's Pole:  BJ (not pictured) is in a pole dancing class otherwise occupied entirely by women (the casting call asked for men, too, but I guess none showed up).  Judy disapproves of him spending so much time aroiund hot ladies, or having any life outside of her, but he explains that the "physical rigor and slightly taboo nature of pole dancing" has keyed into his obsessive nature, like pickleball in Season 3 and skating in Season 2.  BJ's story arc always involves trying to become his own person, distinct from Judy.

It turns out that pole dancing is a competitive sport, with men and women participants.

Loud and Proud after the break

A Chess Game, a Christmas Carol, and Karl's Cock: A Vance Simkins/Cousin Karl Romance

 

(I revised this story to get the Christmas Carol references right, and include a picture of Karl's cock.)

October 18, 2025. Queer Youth Game Night

“Now this piece is called a rook, or castle if you want.  It can move horizontally or vertically across the board, but it can’t go around other pieces.”

Cousin Karl nodded.  

Vance paused to wonder again what the heck was happening. What was he -- the former head of a megachurch empire based on "old fashioned Christian morality"  -- doing at a Queer Youth Game Night?  

With his arch-nemesis Jesse...ugh...Gemstone?  

Teaching his Cousin Karl to play chess while gazing at his massive biceps and wondering if he was big everywhere?

“This piece is called a bishop," he continued, trying to stop imagining Cousin Karl's dick.

“Looks like a cartoon character,” Karl said with a grin.  “See his nose and mouth?

“Well, I’ll be…now that you mentioned it, I can’t see it any other way! But it’s supposed to be bishop’s hat, like Catholic bishops, right?  He moves diagonally.”

“So the Catholic guy can’t be straight?  He must be gay.”

Vance laughed. 

March 10, 2025: The Round-Table Discussion of Candidates for the Top Christ Following Man

The question is "Should public schools teach a class in world religions?," but Kelvin interrupts to brag about his Prism ministry.  Vance seizes the opportunity to complain about a "homosexual" being nominated: "God's Word is clear on this issue." 

Kelvin gets all flustered and starts blustering about the Levitical Code.  

Vance isn't stupid.  He knows that it's not fair to latch onto one verse from the Code and ignore the others -- and that one verse wasn't even about modern homosexuals -- gays -- it was about temple prostitution.  He knows that only a few Evangelicals think that God hates gays.  None of the preachers in the Cape and Pistol Society think so.  But he continues to dig at Kelvin, and when the boy wins the Top Christ Following Man award anyway, he screams about "homosexuals in our midst" on national tv.  

"The Queen and King can move in any direction," Vance continued, "But the Queen can go as far as she wants, and the King can only move one space."

"I get it," Karl said, grinning.  "Queens are the biggest and baddest of the pieces.  I guess that makes me a Queen."

Vance. laughed.  "You're bigger than anybody I've ever seen.  But not bad.  I think you're really nice."

Karl looked down at his hands.  "Thank-ee."

November 3, 2024. The Cape and Pistol Society

As usual, Vance is trying to dig at Jesse Gemstone.  The infuriating braggart thinks he's a much better preacher, but actually he's more successful because he comes from the Baptist tradition, and Vance is Wesleyan -- God requires perfection, no sins in thought, word, or deed.  No alcohol, no movies, no dances, no eating out on the Sabbath, no rock music, no secular literature, just the Word of God.  No wonder Jesse's laissez-faire "God loves you no matter what" fills the pews at the Salvation Center, and draws millions of views on their streaming service.  

Jesse's brother-in-law BJ was injured while pole-dancing -- disgusting! -- so Vance implies that he is gay, and asks "How many homosexuals in your family?"  "Two," Jesse answers. 

Vance wondered who Jesse meant: his brother Kelvin and...Cousin Karl?  No, he probably meant his son Pontius.  Tonight Vance dropped by Jesse's house to taunt him a bit, and heard that Pontius and his boyfriend Stacy (yes, a boyfriend) were going to Queer Youth Game Night at Kelvin's house.  They assured him that it was just board games, but he imagined cocks pushing through glory holes and guys in slings being gang-banged, so Jesse offered to bring him over to observe.

It was just board games: Sorry, Clue, Uno, Apples and Apples. With Kelvin leading a gay trivia game in the parlor, a chaperone monitoring video games in the Game Room -- and in the kitchen, a massive man-mountain -- 6'7" (as Mae West used to say, "Forget the six foot; tell me about the seven inches"), bench press record 585 pounds, Top Strongman of the South three years running.  With a smile that lit up the room. 

Vance was only trying to be friendly when saw an unoccupied chess set and offered to teach Cousin Karl to play.  And when he rubbed his leg against Cousin Karl's under the table. 

"Ok, now the Knight, this horse-shaped piece, moves two squares vertical or horizontal, then one square perpendicular.  Let me show you."  He moved his Queen's Knight to C5.  "It can also jump over other pieces, like that pawn, for instance."

"Sounds complicated."

"Well, anytime you do something that people aren't expecting, they're going to be confused.  They may even get angry.  But that's the place where you can be an individual, show them who you really are."  He reached over and squeezed Karl's hand. 

Suddenly Abraham, Jesse's youngest son -- short, slim, high school age -- rushed up to them.  Vance quickly moved his hand away.

"I came out!" he exclaimed.  "To my Dad.  I mean, my Dad found out."

Karl turned to  face him -- he was taller than Abraham, even sitting down! "How did it go?"

Left: Cousin Karl and Abraham from a few years ago.

"Like nothing.  Like it was not a big deal at all."  He fell against Karl's chest and hugged him.

"Your Daddy loves you," Karl said.  "He doesn't care who you go out with."

"After what happened with Pontius, I was really worried.  Hey, I gotta go tell Pontius and Stacy! See ya!"  He rushed off.

"That boy is lucky!" Vance exclaimed.   "You don't see many parents who are so accepting, especially when they have two gay kids."

"Three.  I think Gideon is gay, too.  He never says anything, but I never said anything to my Mama and Daddy, either.  They just kind of figured it out when I started bringing boys around."  He paused.  "What about your folks, Rev. Simkins...I mean, Vance?"

The boy thought he was gay!  Vance started to say "I'm just an ally," but then he figured that coming out as straight would decrease his likelihood of getting Karl's cock down his throat later.  "I never really said anything to my parents, either."

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.1: Elijah scoundrels, Winston dies, and Kelvin screams. With Bradley's bottom and Jackson's junk

Previous: Gemstones Season 3 Finale: Kelvin and Keefe married?  Pontius a dark lord?  Peter redeemed through the Redeemer?

Title: "Prelude."  This is not really an episode of The Righteous Gemstones at all.  It's a full theatrical movie starring Bradley Cooper, who you know as Ben in Wet Hot American Summer and Rocket Raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy.  So I'll do a scene-by-scene.

Scene 1: A small country church in Virginia, 1862.  Pastor Adam Grieves (Josh McDermitt) preaches and takes an offering.  After the service, rogue Elijah Gemstone (Bradley Cooper) shoots him and steals the offering money and his gold-plated Bible (this will be important later).

Uh-oh, before he can escape, Confederate troops arrive at the church and, mistaking him for the pastor, announce that he's been drafted to be chaplain for their division, heading to Fredericksburg. It pays $50 per month ($2000 in today's money), plus room and board.

Overjoyed, Elijah asks for a moment to gather his things.  He changes clothes with Pastor Grieves, bashes his face in so no one will recognize him, and writes a note: "This is the body of a crook who tried to rob me.  He was handsome.  His name was Elijah Gemstone."   He was handsome?  Got yourself some same-sex desire going on, buddy?

Scene 2: A battle, with lots of Confederate soldiers being killed. Their grim faces flash by.  A boy gets his leg blown off.  600,000 soldiers died, plus about 1,000,000 civilians. 6% of the young adult men from the North, and 18% from the South

Captain Cane (Jim Cummings) approaches Elijah with the rumor that he was gambling and drinking with the guys last night, inappropriate behavior for a Man of God.  He denies it, and further threatens the Captain with hellfire for spreading rumors.Does this remind you of Jesse's sex-and-drugs party from Season 1?

Scene 3: Elijah is called to pray with the boy who got his leg blown off (Alex Saxon).  He is dying and afraid, but Elijah just pretends to pray.  

Cut to night, with Elijah is drinking and gambling with the guys.

Scene 4: Time to preach the Sunday sermon.  Elijah can't do it, so he just says "God doesn't expect us to be perfect.  We make mistakes, but we're trying to be good, and that's good enough."  In Baptist theology, you don't need to try: once you are saved, you are incapable of committing new sins. But Elijah doesn't know that.

Cut to more drinking and gambling, followed by trying to avoid praying with another dying soldier, Winston (Jackson Kelly).  This one is worried that he won't go to heaven, because he's killed people, but Elijah assures him that God has made an exception on his "Thou shalt not kill" policy for soldiers who are forced to fight. 

Scene 5: Elijah and the soldiers bathing in the river (blurry d*ck shot).  Afterwards Ned Rollins (Kimball Farley) announces that he recognizes Elijah from before the War. "It took me awhile, but I saw the way you shuffle the deck of cards, with your pinkie out like a woman."  So Elijah has some femme/gay characteristics?  Does he remind you of Kelvin?

His cover blown, Elijah attacks, but Ned just wants to partner with him: Major McFall (James Landry Hebert) is coming to camp tomorrow.  He's starting a card game, and he is loaded.  They could take him.

Cut to the card game.  They take him.  Then, worried that he will say something, Elijah kills Ned and stuffs his body in one of the coffins. And now he's Judy

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.6 Deep Reading: a frame-by-frame analysis of the sex scene

 

In case you're new here, The Righteous Gemstones is a HBO Max sitcom about the famous, ultra-rich televangelist Eli Gemstone and his three children, who live in separate mansions on his compound and get into constant squabbles and scrapes.  But of course they love each other deep-down.  Kelvin (Adam Devine) is the youngest son, 29-34 years old during the four seasons, a muscle enthusiast who usually works in the low-prestige teen ministry, and has to constantly prove himself.  Keefe (Tony Cavalero), a former Satanist whom he saved, is his boyfriend.  

Kelvin has a standard fiction coming-out process, one that we've seen a hundred times in movies and tv-shows.

Season 1: Falling in love with his best friend, sexual experiences, feeling guilty, denial, then recognizing that he is gay.

Season 2: Becoming obsessed with the erotic, refusisng to admit that he and Keefe are romantic partners, eventually coming around and coming out to the family.

Season 3: Trying hard to stay in the closet, refusing to call Keefe his boyfriend, leading to their breakup and reconciliation, and a kiss.  

The problem is, up to the Season 3 kiss and even after, many viewers insisted that the two were straight buddies.  The queer codes were all misdirections or misreadings.

Which brings us to Season 2, Episode 6: Kelvin is standing naked in front of the mirror; distraught:  he has lost the respect of the God Squad, his cadre of muscle men; his father hates him; he is worthless, nothing, no better than a beast.  Keefe suggests that he will feel better if he gets dressed for the day.  His hands are broken, so Keefe will have to dress him.

What happens next is about as explicit as a sex scene can get on television, yet some viewers insisted, that Keefe is just helping Kelvin on with his underwear.  Even after Season 4, when they two are out as boyfriends and eventually get married, viewers insist that they were not sexually active until the after the wedding.  

Maybe a frame-by-frame analysis will convince them.

1: Kelvin turns around.  Keefe kneels in front of him, and says "Now step into your Tommy Johns."  Instead, Kelvin reaches out with both hands and pulls Keefe's head forward.  

2: Kelvin guides Keefe's head down, and grimaces and groans as he begins oral sex.  Sometimes it's very sensitive, at first.

 3: A sharp breath, and then Kelvin cries out in pleasure.  Adam is obviously simulating having an orgasm.  Notice that Keefe's head is no longer visible, as he's going way down, but Kelvin is still guiding his actions.  You would steady yourself for putting on underwear by grabbing your friend's shoulders, not his head.

4: Fatigued and disheveled after all his effort, Keefe swallows (you heard me, he swallows) and whispers "Nice."  This is not the point at which you would usually do that, but remember, this is all simulated.

More oral after the break

Gemstones Season 4 Finale: Saying goodbye to the Gemstones. With eight gay/bi characters, countless cocks, and a friggin' glory hole.

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.9, Continued: Do the siblings really die? Do Kelvin and Keefe really get married? Plus some random c*ocks to get you through it.

In March 2023, my partner and I subscribed to the streaming service HBO/MAX to watch science fiction programs like The Last of Us and Doctor Who.  He  also wanted to watch The Righteous Gemstones, a comedy/drama about "a famous and dysfunctional family of televangelists," but "No, thanks." After a childhood of preachers screaming "God hates you!" every Wednesday night and twice on Sunday, I thought that even a critique of evangelical homophobia would be too traumatic.

Then one day I was walking through the living room on the way to a snack, and I saw the Gemstones walking in slow motion toward Jason's Steakhouse: A nuclear family husband, wife, and kids; another male-female couple and their pregnant daughter; and, taking up the rear, a gay couple!  They were holding hands!  They joined the others at the dinner table with no recriminations, no stupid questions about "which of you is the man?", no yelling about the Book of Leviticus.  I was astonished.

Watching from the beginning, I found a show that was crass, vulgar, and often grotesque, with annoying plot holes and a complete disregard for internal consistency.  Plus it took forever for the showrunners to admit that Kelvin and Keefe were canon, resulting in endless annoying "they're really straight buddies" arguments. But once they were acknowledged, Season 4 became a masterpiece of gay inclusion, with their wedding the pivotal moment of the entire series.  

A gay wedding was the pivotal moment in a series about Evangelicals!

Plus: A more obvious, and highly erotic, romance between Gideon and Scotty.

Both Eli and Baby Billy have gay relationships in their past.

Queer coded characters everywhere.  Just when you think there couldn't be any more, they start dropping hints about Pontius. 

Two homoerotic bands of brothers taken directly from Tom of Finland prints.

A near total absence of heterosexual activity, and almost no lady parts.

Nonstop beefcake.

Penises in nearly every episode.  

 A friggin' glory hole!

Gay men were not only welcome at the table, the table was designed for them.  In the midst of some profound theological questions about faith and forgiveness.

There has never been anything on tv like it.

Two years have passed, with two conference presentations, a scholarly book, two blogs with over 500 posts, over 20 fan stories, and endless fan discussions. And now it's time to say goodbye.  

Fortunately, the Series Finale features a special goodbye message for those viewers who found the show, and the characters, especially meaningful:

Saying Goodbye is Never Easy: During the Kelvin-Keefe wedding reception, while Eli watches everyone dancing, we hear the letter that Aimee-Leigh wrote to Lori years ago:

Saying goodbye is never easy -- it's not something I've ever been good at.  Sometimes it's easier to never say goodbye and just leave things where they lay.  Don't wrap it up all nice and neat.  

Hear that, fans?  We're not going to tie up every loose end.

The Grave:  Eli hugging Lori as she cries at Corey's grave.   

Takeaways: 

1. Corey was born in 1976, so he's six years older than Jesse, making it unusual for them to be friends.  Imagine a 10 year old and a 16 year old hanging out.

2. Season 4 begins in September 2024.  Corey dies in July 2025.  The wedding takes place several months later, I estimate in October.

Don't look for closure in a goodbye.  We rarely get the closure we want. Most times we don't even get the closure we need.  Sometimes things happen and the life we knew is taken from us, just like that. It can happen fast.

I'll need a minute.

Hugging: Back at the reception. Eli grins at the people dancing and hugging.  Jesse and Amber hug.  Kelvin dances with Tiffany and Judy. Keefe hugs Baby Billy.  

Cut to Baby Billy, Tiffany, and the Nanny having a picnic. 

It's in those times you realize how precious friends are, family.  

The Gold Bible: The Siblings install the Gold Bible on a pedestal at the Salvation Center, in front of a video presentation about Aimee-Leigh and Eli's ministry.

How important it is to let Jesus' love find you through them so we can lift each other up. 

Gideon Finds His Place: Performing at the opening of the new Gemstone Christian Skatepark, Gideon is able to combine his interest in stuntwork and the ministry. Banners say: Christian Skate Summit.

A shot of Jesse talking to Vance was cut. Apparently they're on friendly terms.

Pontius and Abraham, with Ash on one side and Edge on the other, gawk at the stunts.  Now there are girl skaters; previously Pontius' group has been entirely male.  I'm calling it: he's bi. 

And Abraham's pink shirt?  Plus check out his room: pictures of Holly Hobby dolls and a ballerina nightlight.  He's gay. Prove me wrong.

Aimee-Leigh continues: So we can fly even higher.   

Shot of Gideon flying high.

More after the break

You are invited to Kelvin and Keefe's wedding, with exclusive NSFW photos from the honeymoon

 

Tony posted some additional scenes from the Rightoeus Gemstones Episode 4.9 wedding:

Martin: "Once upon a time, there were two  princes who fell in love."

The family applauds; a close up of the wedding program (top photo).

Sola the Nanny: "Alles gutes zum Hochzeitstag. Happy wedding anniversary"

Tiffany: "Yeah!"

Pontius: "Hey, Uncle Kelvin and Uncle Keefe. I hope you guys have a great marriage. Don't f*k too hard, ok?"

Gideon: "What Pontius is trying to say is, let your love... may your love be a blessing."  Looks like he is vaping.

Pontius: "Let your love be deep and hard...deep and hard.  Best wishes, guys."

Kelvin and Keefe dance. Keefe does The Worm.  He lifts Kelvin into his arms.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Gemstones Episode 4.9, Continued: Do the siblings really die? Do Kelvin and Keefe really get married? Plus some random cocks to get you through it.

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.9: Corey moonwalks, Pontius hugs, and BJ greases his pole.  Plus two hunkoids on crosses

Earlier in the episode, Corey asks for $7 million to keep the Gator Farm open, but Eli and the siblings refuse.  This causes a meltdown.  To defuse the situation, the siblings push Corey out to play cornhole, and Eli takes the rest of the family out on his boat.

Cornhole with Corey: The siblings say that they'll help any way that they can, other than giving you $7 million, of course.

Kelvin's $5,000 shirt is stained with chocolate, so he runs upstairs to change, and hears his mama whisper to him.  There she is!  Or is it someone else, masquerading as Aimee-Leigh for a nefarious purpose?

She leads him into Corey's room, for some reason, then vanishes.  Look, it's Corey's bag, with a gun inside, and the Gold-Plated Bible!  Wait -- why would Aimee-Leigh want to point out the Bible?  All it does is implicate Corey as an accessory in Cobb's theft.  And why would Corey bring it along on a weekend at the lake house?

Suddenly Corey is there.  "Why you sniffing my underwear?"

Kelvin quickly shoves the Bible in his back pocket. "Oh -- um, I was looking for a shirt to wear...I must have walked in the wrong room."   

"Is that all?" He stumbles and stutters, but Corey lets him leave.

He rushes down and shows the Bible to the siblings. 

Corey Comes Clean: Uh-oh, here's Corey.  He explains that Cobb stole the Bible, but gave it to him because he kept his mouth shut about th eome invasion.  Afterwards, he helped Cobb.  They called it the "Ex-Boyfriends Club": whenever Lori found a new guy, it was time for a meeting of the Ex-Boyfriend's Club: "And then we would handle things, one way or another."  You're confessing all this because Kelvin found the Bible?

Flashback to Corey watching from his car as Cobb beats up a guy with a board.

"At first Dad would just fight them.  Then things got worse and worse."

A guy falls out of the back of the Gator Farm truck and tries to run, but Cobb shoots him.

"Daddy was a monster. By the time we got to Big Dick Mitch, I was a monster, too."  

So Cobb and Corey have been taking care of the boyfriends for 20 year, and Lori never noticed?  Surely one of the beat-up guys would mention it instead of just ghosting her.

Next question: Is Big Dick th only boyfriend that Cobb kept as a sex slave, or were there others?

Corey heads back into the house.  The siblings think he's going to kill himself, and follow.

A selfie of a random twink, to steel you up for what happens next.

The Siblings Die: Once they reach the house, Corey starts shooting. Judy is down!  Jesse and Kelvin run!

Meanwhile, on the boat, Gideon hears gunshots.  

Corey turns up the music loud, so they won't hear as he chases Jesse and Kelvin through the house: UB40, "Red Red Wine."

All I can do, I've done.  Memories won't go.

I'd have sworn, that with time thoughts of you would leave my head

I was wrong  -- now I find just one thing makes me forget

Corey brought the Golden Bible to the Lake House because covering up for Cobb that night marked the beginning of his descent. If the siblings gave him the money, things might have been different -- maybe he would have returned it to get closure -- but their rejection suggests that he can't be redeemed. He will die a monster. So he goes after them.

Kelvin rushes into Eli's room.  Corey follows him and checks under the bed.  Not there; he jumps out from behind a curtain and attacks.  Corey shoots him.  Notice the parallel with the home invasion; Kelvin is no longer afraid.

Next Corey shoots through a closet door, and Jesse collapses -- but still alive!  

Out of bullets, Corey heads out to his truck and starts assembling a high-power rifle.  The siblings crawl toward each other, alive but injured.  I already knew that a wedding was coming up.  At this point I was wondering if it was a dream sequence, or Eli marrying Lori.

Jesse has a gun in his room, but they're too weak to climb the stairs. So Judy rings for the Monkey, and tells it to go upstairs and fetch Jesse's purse.

The Monkey brings it, and as Corey walks in with his rifle, Jesse shoots him. 

The siblings hover over him as he is dying. "I'm sorry, y'all," he tells them.

Corey has realized that he isn't a monster after all.  Like the boys dying during the Civil War, he killed not out of a violent nature, but because he was forced.  Now he is dying, and scared.  He asks the siblings to pray for him.

Knowing that they are dying, too, the siblings also pray for themselves, evoking the pain that has kept them from God, and from each other, through four seasons:

Judy: Anger

Kelvin: Fear

Jesse: Jealousy

For all of them: The belief that they are not worthy of love.  

Of course they aren't.  None of us are.  But by some miracle, we are loved anyway.

Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word, and I shall be healed.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Gideon Gemstone and the Return of Scotty Steele. With A Special Appearance by Clay Chang

May 7th, 2025: Gideon's Prayer Time

Gideon's Prayer Time is at 11:00 am Wednesday!  Who's free at that hour except nursing-home oldsters?  And College of Charleston students, I guess.  Watching Gideon Gemstone reading off notecards the same words he has written on a powerpoint slide.  

It's stupid of me, but when I saw him at the Prism party yesterday, smiling, unconcerned about the many LGBTQ people around him, I figured he must be gay.  And beautiful, with a round face, light blue eyes, a slim, tight physique obvious even under his uncomfortable-looking Sunday suit. 

I feel like a total language geek, but I'm a Classics major, taking a seminar in Catullus, so can I help it if he popped into my head:

Equal to Jove that youth may be

Greater than Jove he seems to me

At the sight, my senses fly.

I needs must gaze, and gazing, die

Yesterday Ricky pulled my jaw off the floor and told me that he was Gideon Genstone, Kelvin's nephew.  And he was standing right next to his grandfather.  I'm not going to approach a guy standing next to world-famous evangelist Eli Gemstone! 

Who am I kidding?  I would be too shy anyway.

Prayer Time has certainly proven that Gideon is no Jove.  The existence of God, his omnipresence, the expiatory sacrifice of Jesus Christ, all in 45 minutes of stumbling theological jargon, with the conclusion: "love one another"!  

I'm having second thoughts about my gaydar.  Gay guys never become ministers - with Kelvin an obvious exception.  Gideon never comes to Prism, even as a guest speaker.  I've never even seen him with Kelvin and Keefe.  Surely if their nephew was gay, they would hang out.

He's looking at me!  He made direct eye contact!  Of course, I'm probably noticeable, the only Asian and only person under 90 in the audience.  Still, doesn't that mean something? 

"You can stay or you can go, but it's over."  Weird way to end a service -- not even a closing prayer. I stand behind the oldsters so I'll be the last one out, and I can start a conversation.

He's smiling -- a good sign.  I shake his hand -- warm, firm, sexy?  "Hi, I'm Clay Chang."

 "Gideon Gemstone.  It's good to see a young face at Prayer Time."

"It was an interesting presentation.  A lot of complex theology."

"Yeah...um...you don't have to be nice on my account.  I knew I screwed up."

Confiding in me?  Must be because we're the same age?  "No, it was fine.  You just need some instruction on homilectics."  I refrain from telling him that "homilectics" means "preaching."  "I took a class my sophomore year at Charleston Southern -- thought I was going to be a preacher."  I hesitate. He looks at me quizzically.  Do I dare put my hand on his shoulder?  "I have my old class notes back in my apartment -- I can bring them by the church later, or if you want to have lunch..."  

"Sure, lunch sounds great," he says with a smile.  

Suddenly I'm feeling hot.  My heart is racing.  "Ok...um, so meet me in an hour.  Do you want to go to Dudley's?  They're serving lunch now."

He frowns.  Because he doesn't know that Dudley's is a gay bar, or because he knows, and isn't gay?

Think of an alternative, fast!  "Or...um..the Brown Dog Deli, on Calhoun?"  

"Ok, Brown Dog Deli in an hour."  We face each other.  I can't stop grinning.  What do I do now?  Hug him?  Kiss him?  He seems to be having the same dilemma.  Suddenly we both laugh, and he reaches out for another handshake.  

"Bye."

Kelvin

Driving to my apartment, digging out my notes, doing 100 push-ups so I'll have a chest, showering, deciding on a hot but not slutty outfit, driving to the Brown Dog...that leaves six minutes to rush down Kelvin's office next to the Prism Prayer Room.  

No books except for several copies of the Bible; no desk, just a serpentine-slide thing that looks like a throne; and a lot of exercise machines: our guy likes to work out during his office hours.  Right now he's doing bicep curls -- huge biceps!  I see them three times a week, but I still can't take my eyes off them.  Except to look at the enormous club-bulge in his gym shorts.  Is that real or augmented by a balled-up sock?   

"Clay, My Man!" he exclaims.  "Sit down!  How's that paper on Catullus coming?"  How does he remember all the details of everyone who goes to Prism?

"Fine, I guess. Still stuck in the introduction.  Actually,  I stopped by because I need your advice."

'That's what I'm here for, Boyo. What's on your heart?"

"Um...the thing is, I'm having lunch with Gideon in 53 minutes."

"Who...Gideon Gemstone?  My nephew Gideon?"  He looks surprised.  Too surprised.  "In the market for a new spiritual leader?"

I smile.  Kelvin is jealous!  "No, actually...um...I'm not sure whether it's a friend hang or a date.  I don't even know if Gideon is gay."  

This is the part where Kelvin tells me "Of course he's gay."  He would know, right?

But Kelvin frowns.  "I'm afraid I can't help you there.  I have no idea about Gideon.  He mostly keeps to himself -- we've never had a heart-to-heart talk.  I've maybe said ten words to him in the last year, and four of those words were 'Happy Birthday!' and 'Merry Christmas'"

My heart sinks.  Why would Gideon be gay and not confide in his uncle?  

"Does he ever bring a friend to the family dinner?"

"Not that I can remember. Wait -- there was a guy named Scotty, a couple of years ago, came out from California to visit Gideon, and stayed for two or three weeks.  They were, like, together every moment."

"A boyfriend?"  

"I don't know, but he turned out to be a crook.  He robbed the church's Easter offering and left Gideon and his Dad tied up in the vault."  He pauses.  "Come to think of it, that's the last person outside the family that I've seen Gideon with."

My six minutes are over.  I thank Kelvin, steal anouther peek at his biceps, and rush out.

The Brown Dog

Gideon orders the Susan Hayward Salmon Salad.  I always get a Coney Island Chili-Cheese Dog with fries -- it's the Brown Dog Deli, right?  But I don't want to stain my shirt, or get onion on my breath on the off chance that there will be kissing later -- so I order the Soup of the Day.  

He reads aloud the list of required textbooks from my homilectics class: "Contemporary Preaching, Comedy Preaching, Preaching to People with Disabilities, Homilectics from an Asian-American Perspective..." Ulp, he skips over A Queer Homilectic.  "I like the Week 1 Lecture: 'Skip the slides, or at least use them well.'"

"Yeah, the idea is that preaching is different from lecturing to a classroom.  You're trying to reach people's hearts, not their heads."

"Sounds like you were very good at it."

"I just got a B+.  In my family, anything under an A++ is considered a failure."

"Is that why you tranferred to the College of Charleston and became a Classics major?"

"No, I just fell in love with Latin.  Ovid. Apuleius.  Virgil's Eclogues.  Formosum pastor Corydon ardebat Alexin." Oh no, it's about a guy named Alexis in love with the beautiful shepherd Corydon.  Why did I quote that?  What if he asks for a translation?

Saved by the bell: our food arrives, giving me a chance to change the subject.  "My parents wanted me to major in business and like sit in an office all day, talking about stocks or something.  They really didn't like my decision to major in classics -- dead languages, and not even Asian!  They had this image in their head of me with a wife and kids, a house in the suburbs, mowing the lawn, barbecuing, fixing the rain gutters.

"I had the same problem.  My parents wouldn't let me be me.  They had this image of me as a perfect little church boy.  When I was 18, I ran way to California, and didn't talk to my dad for a year."

A moment of connection!  I reach out and cup my hand over Gideon's.  He draws away. Because he's not gay, because he's not into me, or because he needs his hand to hold his fork?

I pretend not to notice.  "What brought you back to South Carolina?"

"I've been going back and forth.  A few months in L.A., then a few months at home.  I'm not sure where I belong.  Maybe I don't belong anywhere."

Gideon is lost, and lonely.  Gay or not, maybe he just needs a friend.

We eat in silence for a few minutes.  Then: "Are you busy tomorrow?"

Tomorrow night?  Like a real date?  Maybe he just needs a boyfriend!  "I have a seminar in Apuleus at 10:00, but I'm free after that."

"My Uncle Baby Billy is filming at tv show about Jesus as a teenager.  They're doing it campy, like a modern day high school."

I know -- I've dated the guy who plays Teenjus.  But I tell Gideon.  "That sounds interesting."

"Want to drop by and watch a rehearsal tomorrow? We could get dinner later."

He is definitely describing a date!

I spend the rest of the day vaguely listening to professors lecture and my roommate drone on about some video game, while thinking about Gideon.  Hopefully he's a bottom -- he's so soft and slim, sort of femme, he's got to be a bottom.  Not that I would mind going downtown....

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.9: Corey moonwalks, Pontius hugs, and BJ greases his pole. Plus there are two hunkoids on crosses, one with a d*ck

 

Previous: Episode 4.8, Continued: We finally see Big Dick Mitch, the boy named Stacy, a serial killer, and a lot of tied-up dudes.

Title: "That the Man of God May Be Complete."  1 Timothy 3:17, ESV: All Scripture is inspired by God, so "that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work."   Sounds like the Golden Bible will play a role.

Left: Pontius spends nearly the entire episode hugging Gideon.  It looks like Abraham squeezed between them.  I can't tell which leg belongs to who.

The Duel:  The Cape and Pistol Society.  Vance bursts in, drinking, and everyone laughs at him.  He points out that Kelvin has defeated him, but not Jesse, and throws down the yellow handkerchief, challenging him to a duel.  Vance will have Pastor Brad as his second, and Jesse will get Eli.

They immediately adjourn to the front lawn.  Jesse is nervous, since he's a terrible shot. Eli suggests that he back out, but nope: "He insulted Kelvin and built mini-malls in our territory."  You know, duelling is illegal lin South Carolina.

Vance's shot goes way over the trees.  Jesse aims at him, but he runs zigzag.  Then he stops and begs for his life.  Jesse deliberately aims away from him: "You don't need a secret society to be an impressive man.  It's what you do that makes you impressive.  So I quit."  Thus ends Jesse's plot arc: he's going to stop being jealous of others' success.

The Proposal: Kelvin and Keefe examine the newly-completed treehouse, praising how nicely it all came together.   "Great job, Keefey."  You've never once called him that, Bro. 

Keefe points out that a storm is brewing, and "the devil's piss causes you terror."  Nope, not anymore.  In fact, a lot of things don't scare him anymore: spiders in toilets, the old lady puppet from Mr. Rogers (well, she was scary).... and marriage. 

Remember, in Episode 4.2, Keefe suggests getting married, and he completely tears down the idea.  He approaches: "Keefe Chambers, will you marry me?", with a box with an engagement ring.  They hug and kiss.  

This is the end of Kelvin's plot arc: he is no longer paralyzed by fear.  We still need a wedding -- hopefully.

BJ Greases His Pole: BJ is unscrewing his pole: "I thought  I needed this to prove how manly I was, riding this long, sleek pole up, only to drop down, my thighs squeezing it."  Um...BJ, it's getting hot in here.  

He tells Judy, "It's about to pop off.  Put your hands in position, right at the base...squeeze it tight...we're going to jerk it off."  Dude, I might join you.

Now that the pole has come, they discuss the Monkey.  BJ misses him, and wants him back.

Cut to Judy taking him for a joyful reunion.  I'm fast forwarding past that part.  Presumably this is the end of her plot arc.

Lori and Eli: Lori notes that the kids like her again, now that she and Eli aren't dating.  In other news, Corey is taking the crisis "real rough."  He hardly leaves the house, and his wife Jana has moved in with her sister.

Lori found some mementos that Eli might enjoy: A flier from one of her shows, a letter that Aimee-Leigh wrote her soon after the divorce. Hey, the Gold Bible isn't there.  They say goodbye and hug.  Doesn't she live nearby?  Can't they continue to be friends?

Later, Eli retrieves the letter from the box, but can't bring himself to open it.

Hunkoids on Crosses: Baby Billy goes back to work after his ordeal at the Gator Park Massacre. Everyone applauds.  He notes that he is happy to be alive, and God gave him the physical prowess of a teen boy to help vanquish Cobb.

Left: Ash (Michael Sayfou) tied to a cross.  

"Ok, back to work. Work, work, work."  He doesn't seem happy as they set up the crucifixion scene.  He recalls his argument with Tiffany: "Is that all that matters to you?", and flashes back to spending  time with his family. 

Left: Another hunkoid, maybe Edge (Alex Matoussian (c*ock after the break).

Baby Billy stops the filming and announces "I quit.  Even though it may cost my nephews and niece millions of dollars.  Shows over.  Fuck tv."

This ends Baby Billy's plot arc: he has chosen family over fame.  

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.7, Continued: Teenjus meets the Devil. So does Kelvin. With a gay Christian, Jordanian junk, and Dustin's d*ck

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.7: Kelvin and Pontius have their nards threatened, Gideon finds his voice, and skaters show their d*cks

Earlier in the episode, we saw Eli and Lori breaking up, Kelvin hiding in his treehouse after the roundtable debacle, Judy jealous of a monkey, and Gideon finding a way to be true to himself.  Now it's time for Baby Billy

Teenjus Meets the Devil:  In the studio in Goose Creek, about 30 miles from Charleston, which Baby Billy characterizes as the "middle of nowhere."  (And there is a Middle of Nowhere Bar and Grill in town).   Holding his children and complaining about having to "babysit," Baby Billy directs a scene where Teenjus (Matthew Garbacz) is tempted by the Devil.  He doesn't project enough and he can't remember his line, so Baby Billy fires him and decides to play Teenjus himself.

The Devil points out that he's not a teen, but "You ain't the Devil.  It's called acting."

Tiffany and the Nanny arrive late.  He lambasts them, which upsets Tiffany: "You got time for everything but us."  She suggests that he quit, so he can spend more time with the family.  They have enough money.    Nope, it's not enough.  "I been on this stardom train before, and you got to get it while you can."  

"Is that all that matters to you?" Tiffany asks, reflecting Lori asking if money is all Eli cares about earlier in the episode.  Baby Billy: "My job is very important to me. Now stop being difficult and take these kids to get some ice cream."  She snarls. What will he finally choose, fame or family?

An Eight Ball and $2 Million:  The Board Room.  Baby Billy yells at Judy and Jesse for cutting his Teenjus budget by 29%  Instead of a cement factory in Goose Creek, he should be in Jordan "filming in some Muslim tombs."  

Top photo and left: Jordanian guys.

And by the way, since he's playing Teenjus now, he needs $2 million for reshoots, plus an 8-Ball (3.5 grams) of cocaine.  They scoff.

"Where's Kelvin?" he asks.  "I can usually talk some sense into him."

They're not speaking to him. 

Now Baby Billy yells at them for squabbling, not being a family.  They should reconcile with their brother.  

That's two partners and your uncle telling you to check in on Kelvin.  I suggest that you do it.

Family Visitors:  Jesse is going through Kelvin's house, looking for him.  He checks the foyer, a hallway with baseball-sized gummi bears mounted on the wall,  the bedroom, and then back to the foyer.  Nitpick: The bedroom is on the ground floor.  In Season 2, it was on the second floor.

Judy appears, claiming that she had to poop, and Kelvin's house was the closest.

They discuss how bad they feel about his debacle, how scared he looked -- and holy sh*t, Keefe is the next room, hanging upside down on a harness.  "My word, family visitors!" he exclaims.

Some fans have pointed out that he's using a BDSM swing for yoga.  This is the room with the massage table -- which can double as a bondage table.  So we know what kind of games the guys play.

He brings them to the treehouse, but it's hopeless:  "I've tried for days.  There's no way to get up there."  

   Jesse knows a way.  A ladder? 

Cut to Kelvin lying on blankets in his tree house, eating Fiddle Faddle and Bugles and playing with his monster movie toys, when Jesse and Judy knock on the door.  They flew up in jetpacks!  

They ask why he's not going to the Night of Testimonies:  "I'm not a brave, strong leader.  I'm a coward."  

"So what?  You are mean. You are extremely goodback with snitty retorts: "You are extremely good at rips."

Suddenly Keefe bursts in, breaking down the door. Well, he's never used a jetpack before.

"We just put that door in," Kelvin complains.

Check out the cool prop photo of Kelvin and Keefe hugging.

More after the break