Gemstones Episode 2.6: Yep, they have sex. Plus Judy grows a heart, Torsten a brain, and Amber the noive.

Title: "Never Avenge Yourselves, but Leave It to the Wrath of God." Romans 12:19.  Who will suffer God's wrath?

The Cycle Ninjas:  We begin immediately after the Cycle Ninja attack in Episode 2.4.  Jesse and Amber grab guns and fire on them as they zoom off, grazing one.  He falls off  his motorcycle, but jumps onto his colleague's and gives them the finger.

Later the family, except for Kelvin, gathers in Eli's drawing room to discuss the incident with Sheriff Brenda.  Judy thinks that it was a case of road rage.  Sheriff Brenda thinks that it was a botched robbery by some teenagers: professional assassins would have finished the job.  Eli is sure that Junior sent the Cycle Ninjas to kill him.  Other family members are at risk too, so he puts the compound on lockdown.

Judy complains about being stuck at home, with Tiffany living there after Baby Billy abandoned her. "She cleans everything with vinegar."  Not the time for complaints, girl.  Eli agrees: "Are you incapable of thinking of anyone but yourself?"

Out on the porch, Eli asks if Jesse has been to see Kelvin since the assault: "No. we ain't friends.  He grew up to be a nerd." 

The Second Dressing Room Scene:  We cut to a full body front-and-rear shot of Kelvin, as he stands naked in front of the mirror in his dressing room. "Look at me," he tells Keefe, "A grotesque reflection of what I once was." Dude, you're not going to get any sympathy with that incredible body on display.

 He is distraught over the fight with his father and the loss of the God Squad; he has been de-manned by the symbolic castration. Why should he get dressed?  "I shall remain hidden, like the beast I've become."

 Keefe advises that dressing for the day "soothes the soul," and drops to his knees.  Kelvin pushes his head forward and down to begin oral sex.  We see and (and hear) his climax, orgasm, and post-orgasm release.  Keefe swallows and says "nice." 

The scene lasts only a few seconds, and thus is easy to miss (I missed it the first time).  And it is immersed in the act of getting dressed.  Viewers are expected to be unsure whether they had sex or not, thus continuing the "are they or aren't they?" speculation. 

But the non-sexual explanation makes no sense: 

While stepping into his Tommy Johns, Kelvin steadies himself by pushing on Keefe's head. You steady yourself on your friend's shoulders, not on his head.

Using his hands to push is painful.  Elsewhere he is shown using the palms and base of his hands without pain.  

Keefe says "nice" because...um... Go on? 

Structurally, it is a logical conclusion of the first dressing room scene.  The guys move from quasi-sexual erotic activity to an overt sexual act.

It makes sense for Kelvin's character. He that his injury has rendered him impotent in a society dedicated to the phallus, grotesque in a society that prizes male beauty.   What better way to demonstrate that he is still potent, still beautiful? 

It makes sense for Keefe's character.  You've just gotten a good look at the amazingly hot backside of the Man of Your Dreams, and now you are kneeling with your face three inches from his amazingly hot cock --aroused by your proximity.  What guy could resist going down?

Afterwards, Keefe helps Kelvin get dressed, boops his nose, and puckers up for a kiss.  Kelvin moves in, then changes his mind and abruptly turns aside.  He still resists the idea of romantic love, but he is gradually coming around.

Down in the yard, the God Squad is running a motorcycle over the tennis court and otherwise wilding.  They've even moved into the house.  Kelvin is horrified: "Our empire is crumbling."  Notice that it's now "our" empire; they are equal partners.  Keefe encourages him to prove that he is still strong, physically and mentally: "Your will is not broken, even though your thumbs are."

Judy Grows a Heart:  Judy is signing fan photos with an erect penis and "stay horny," a call back to the Kelvin/Keefe sex scene, while Tiffany calls the area hospitals to see if Baby Billy was  admitted.  Judy scoffs: "He abandoned you."  But Tiffany can't believe it.  Maybe he's still looking for Funyons, and will return with the car loaded-down with them. Maybe he had a stroke, and doesn't remember who he is.  What if he's dead?  

Tiffany starts to cry,  and Judy starts to feel compassion, "thinking of someone other than herself" for maybe the first time in her life. This reminds me of the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz: "If I only had a heart."

Amber Grows Courageous.  Next the Cowardly Lion: "If I only had the noive." At the marital support group, Amber brags about how she chased off the Cycle Ninjas and shot one from 50 yards away.  The women cheer.  Jesse, feeling threatened, argues that they were both shooting, and it's unclear who actually "grazed " the Ninja,  The women aren't having it.  Amber luxuriates in the cheers, feeling for the first time that she's her own person, not just an extension of her partner. 

 Later, Jesse's crew tries to console him for being de-manned by his wife. They suggest some buddy-bonding over craft beers, but he refuses.  He's too upset about "the whole church sucking my wife's dick." Another call-back to Kelvin's blow job.

Holding hands in front of the God Squad: In the gym, Kelvin addresses the God Squad's concerns that his broken thumbs make him an inappropriate leader.  He proves his strength by offering them  "Strawberry Shortcake Bahama Bro Smoothies."  and suggests that they join hands to pray about it. 

The God Squad wonders how he can lead them on missions when he can't even lift a smoothie.  He tries, but spills it all over!  The guys laugh and make rude gestures. Keefe tries to comfort him with a hug, but Kelvin brushes him away.

Finally, Torsten -- the scarecrow, "if I only had a brain" -- figures out that he, and other God Squad members, are twice the size of Kelvin.  He should be leader: "Kelvin, I challenge you!"

"But Torsten, you're my gentle giant," Kelvin protests.  Another favorite?  Have they been in the steam showers together? 

They all rush out for the cross-bearing challenge.  But Kelvin is injured, so Keefe will act in his place.

Bonus: Let's compare Adam Devine's facial expressions with a guy having a real orgasm during oral sex.

Any questions?

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.5: Yep, Kelvin is gay. But there's embezzlement and murder, too. and some accountant cocks

 

Title: "Interlude II."  Episode 2.5 is a flashback to Christmas 1993, shortly after Baby Billy abandoned his wife, son, and cat at a shopping mall in Charlotte.  Since two of the season's big questions are "Did Eli kill Glendon Marsh?" and "Is Junior trying to kill to get revenge?" I expect that we'll get some Eli-Glendon back story.

Knives or nunchuks? As the family is photographed at the Gemstone Christmas tree, Judy torments 4-year old Kelvin.  Jesse says that he's going to give him a weapon for Christmas, so he can defend himself: "Knives, or nunchuks."  Eli forbids him from giving his brother weapons.  Jesse complains that the kid going to grow up to be "a pussy": someone who doesn't like to do things and is afraid of everything.  Sounds sort of like a gay stereotype.

You have to think of the optics: Eli is planning to move the Salvation Center to a giant coliseum.  The church board complains that he can't afford it: he's already spent church money on a private zoo and amusement park.  Hey, that's embezzlement!  They also advise that "the rich pastor is not a good look."  But Eli won't listen: "I cannot imagine a more ridiculous comment.  Big means success. People want to see something bigger than life." Well, this is during the tail-end of the Reagan-Bush "wealth is virtue" era.

"But we're spending more than we have!" accountant Terry (Mike Ostroski) complains. Gulp: Eli fires him!

Left: Mike Ostroski shows his stuff in Slugs (2004)

Get that boy some mousse: Baby Billy shows up unexpectedly, having abandoned his wife Gloria and son (he claims that they abandoned him, but Aimee-Leigh calls her and discovers the truth).  

We see a close-up of Billy's butt as he drinks a glass of water. Kelvin: "Dang, Baby Billy is thirsty."  He's referring to the water, of course, but viewers will be drawn to the phrase "thirst trap."  Does Kelvin think that his uncle is hot?  Remember that in Season 1, the adult Kelvin and Judy comment on the attractiveness of their grown-up nephew Gideon.  

Baby Billy tells Kelvin that his estranged wife said:  "You have the most boring haircut in the world.  Get that boy some mousse."  Kelvin is upset (concerned with his appearance, a gay stereotype). Remember that the adult Kelvin uses mousse to create that upward wave.

Later, Kelvin demonstrates that he can play the harpsichord blindfolded (um..big deal?  Nobody looks down at the keys while playing).  Baby Billy calls him a prodigy and hugs and kisses him, obviously looking for a brainy replacement for his special-needs son.  The siblings scoff.  This musical talent is never referenced again.

The Return of Glendon Marsh:  As Eli walks through the office, everyone smiles and says "Good morning, Dr. Gemstone."  Everybody.  It looks creepy rather than friendly. "Be nice, or he'll turn you into a toad." 

His new accountant, Martin, starts off on the wrong foot by sitting in his chair!  

 Glendon Marsh, Eli's boss when he was wrestling and breaking thumbs back in Memphis, shows up unexpectedly and asks him to take care of $3,000,000 that he doesn't want the government to know about, and he can keep $1,000,000 for his trouble.  Hey, that's money laundering!  But Eli has already been embezzling, so what's the difference?  Aimee-Leigh and Martin disapprove, and Eli finally refuses. 

The Sleepover:  Baby Billy and Kelvin are playing hide-and-seek or something on bunk beds, while Jesse lies in a sleeping bag.   The top bunk is fenced in, so you don't accidentally fall out.  This must be Kelvin's room. 

Judy enters with her own sleeping bag, angry that she wasn't invited to the sleepover.  Jesse explains that it was impromptu: nothing going on in his room, so he came in here, looking for action.  "What'd you find?" Judy asks. "Uncle Tickles molesting Kelvin? Flopping that little dong?" This is the first of three pedophilia references this season, and another of  the incessant digs about Kelvin's penis. 

Baby Billy tells her to "hush that kind of talk.  Ain't nobody playing dong pong in here."  But suddenly Kelvin doesn't want his uncle to sleep with them. Wait -- I thought they had a special bond.  Is it because of the pedophilia accusation?  Or is he self-conscious because Judy dissed his penis?

Muscle and Fitness: Holy sh*t, there's a cover of  Muscle and Fitness magazine taped to the wall!  It's only visible for a second before Judy turns off the light, but holy sh*t. "Mama, please buy me that magazine.  I know I can't read yet -- I want to look at the hot guys."

If it is meant to signify Kelvin's interest in muscle, why just a man on the cover?  I worked for Muscle and Fitness back in the day, and the cover always featured a man and a woman together or a celebrity bodybuilder like Lou Ferrigno.  The set dresser  chose  this one deliberately to signify that Kelvin likes men  (or had it made up. That cover did not appear on any issue from 1990 to 1995).

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.4: BJ gets baptized, Baby Billy gets Funyons, and there's incest, cake, and frolicking muscle boys

 

Previous: Episode 2.3, Continued: The darkness of roller coasters, club bulges, hookups, and apples

Episode 2.4 is my favorite of the season. Although we continue with Eli and Kelvin's intertwining darkness, we add two more or less lighthearted plotlines, starring Judy/BJ and new characters Baby Billy/Tiffany. 

Title: "As to how They May Destroy Him." From Matthew 12:14, NASB. The Pharisees are trying to destroy Jesus.

A Boy and His Cat: Flashback: Charlotte, North Carolina 1993.  Going in fresh, pretending to have never seen Season 1, we are introduced to new characters, the grinning, fast-talking Baby Billy, his wife Gloria, and their special-needs son Harmon, in the mall at Christmastime,  Later we will discover that Baby Billy is a ne-er-do-well, constantly coming up with sleazy scams and get-rich quick schemes.  He and his sister Aimee-Leigh were child stars before she went on to a career as a serious gospel singer and married Eli Gemstone.  Baby Billy never forgave her for "abandoning" him.

  

After Harmon gets a photo on Santa's lap, Gloria goes off to shop, leaving father and son alone. Baby Billy offers to let Harmon choose any Christmas present he wants.  He chooses a cat. Then Baby Billy says that he's going off to buy Funyons, onion-flavored snack rings (this will become important later).  Instead he runs away, abandoning his family! 

Remember the Lissons?: We cut to Jesse and Amber hanging out with the Lissons -- the megachurch pastors  planning a Christian resort  -- and discussing how close their friendship has become.  Jesse breaks the news that they can't get their Daddy to fork over the money to invest.  He's asked multiple times, but Eli refuses to budge.

Lyle is aghast. The Gemstones are worth over $600 million; surely Jesse can afford $10 million on his own?   Nope, it's all Daddy's money.  Jesse will control it someday, of course, but not until Eli dies.  

The Lissons are irate, lambast Jesse and Amber for being poor, and break off the friendship.  I think they just liked you for your money, guys.

The Ace of Spades:  Kelvin and Keefe figure that they can restore the confidence of the God Squad with a 40-day field trip in the Judean desert.   They walk across the Gemstone airfield, Kelvin in a military coat with a leopard-spotted beret, and Keefe in an oddly feminine black robe, with his backpack in front.  

Notice the Ace of Spades on Kelvin's coat. Some fans think that he is subtly coming out as asexual,  Actually, it was used by British and American soldiers in World War 1, symbolizing luck; World War II, victory; and Vietnam, death.    

But the Ace of Spades is the most powerful card in the deck, so Kelvin probably chose it to signify that he is the most powerful man in the group, the Alpha.

Uh-oh, Martin, Eli's chief accountant and right-hand man,  intercepts  them. Eli has refused to pay for the trip.  Do you see a parallel between Kelvin/Keefe and Jesse/Amber's problems?  

Kelvin bats his eyes, touches Martin's chest, and begs: "You got here too late.  We already took off. Please?"    Wait -- are you flirting with Martin?  Homoerotic hotness doesn't work on everyone, dude.

And it doesn't work: Martin lays down the law  Kelvin is forced to break the news that his father said no, thus losing even more of his authority with the God Squad musclemen.

I Know What a Tomater Is:  In the Gemstone Parking Garage, Eli finds a tomato smooshed on his windshield.  The Tan  Man (James Preston Rogers) appears and says, threateningly, "Get the message?"  

Eli pretends that he isn't sure -- maybe something to do with a broken heart?  The Tan Man growls, howls, flexes and clarifies: "you hurt my boss's feelings real bad, and he's not the kind of guy who likes to have hurt feelings."  So, what kind of guy senjoy having hurt feelings?  "He wants an apology."  

Having confronted far more formidable foes, Eli is not impressed by the Tan Man's theatrics.  He sends a message for Junior:"tell him to go fuck hisself."  

BJ's Baptism:   As people file into the Baptismal Chapel, Baby Billy from the 1993 flashback, now with white hair and a whiter grin, performs "There is a fountain filled with blood" while his new wife, the young, very pregnant Tiffany, looks on.  

Outside, Kelvin argues that he cleared the whole God Squad to attend the baptism!  Nope, only he and a "plus one" are on the guest list.  The God Squad guys start murmuring again. Another blow to his authority! 

Kelvin promises to feed them all -- he asks his date, Keefe, to steal some food, resulting in humorous but ridiculous bits.  Do you really want to eat a shrimp that's been transported from the hors d'oeuvres table in Keefe's mouth?  Why not just go out for hamburgers?

Baby Billy begins the service, bragging that he's on the Christian Pop Charts now, and misnaming BJ as TJ.  He must not be very close to the Gemstone family, either.   Hey, the seat next to Kelvin is empty. Why isn't he sitting with his date?  Is Keefe already raiding the caterers for the after-party?

Next Judy sings: "When a man outgrows the family of his origin, and they've no place in his life./ Cause he's different now -- he's got to show them how."  

She was originally going to sing "Rock my Boy's Body," emphasizing the erotic nature of her relationship with BJ (it was moved to the episode finale).

People stop to ask me, "How do you please your man?"
Take it from the black sheep baby, every way I can
Sometimes it's with fire, and sometimes with ice
Just don't get it twisted, this body's gonna pay the price

Eli takes over and completes the baptism.  Judy introduces him as "BJ Christian Barnes."  

I was disappointed that they didn't actually make it to Israel. It would have been interesting to see Kelvin with Jerusalem Syndrome, where tourists surrounded by so many Biblical images come to believe that they are Jesus or the Jewish Messiah (but I guess he is already the Messiah of his muscle cult).  Plus Tel Aviv has the biggest and most open gay community of any city in the Middle East. 

Left: a Haifa cop.

More after the break

My Boyfriend and My Satanist Ex-Boyfriend at Thanksgiving Dinner: A Kelvin/Keefe/Daedalus Story

 

"Thanks again for inviting me to Thanksgiving dinner with your family," Kelvin, son of world-famous megachurch pastor Eli Gemstone and youth pastor at the Salvation Center,  told his boyfriend Keefe as the "Welcome to Richmond Hill" sign appeared.  It was an elegant suburb of Savannah, new-looking, with trendy shops and cool-sounding restaurants like the Himalayan Curry Cafe.

"Well, you invited me to dinner with the Gemstones last year,"  Keefe, a reformed Satanist turned assistant youth pastor, said.  "So it's only fair to make you endure my family's craziness.  Have you been studying the family tree?"

"I have it memorized.  Your Mama, Beth.  Don't ask about your Daddy.  Your sister Liz, age 45, and her husband Henry.  She's a child psychologist, and he's a dentist. Henry's son from his first marriage, Austin, who teaches high school English, and his wife...um..."

"Becky."

"Right, Becky.  Liz and Henry have another son, Jimmy, age 8.  Boy, I hope our heart-healthy green bean casserole will be enough."

"It will be fine.  No one in my family eats heart-healthy anyway."

"Ok, who else...Your uncle might be coming.  He's gay, but you only found out a couple of years ago.  He was closeted when you were growing up."  He paused.  "You don't mind letting them think that you're just the assistant youth pastor? I'm not ashamed of us or anything...it's just...well, I'm a Gemstone."  

"I don't mind," Keefe said, lying a little.  It took the family years to accept him -- his sister still didn't like to talk about it much -- and now he had to hide?  Pretend that the love of his life was a buddy?  It felt wrong.  

But Kelvin was always skittish.  He didn't even realize that he was gay until he was over 30. Everyone else knew the moment they saw him in one of his flamboyant outfits.  Keefe suspected that he would prefer to identify as a masculine-presenting demiboy, but they could save the gender-identity conversation for later.  Much, much later.

They drove through a neighborhood that Keefe though dismal and repressive growing up.  A grey house, grey with black shutters, where as a teenager he listened to heavy metal music and wrote poety about suicide, where his Daddy complained that everything he said or did was "faggy."

As they drove up to the house, Mama and his little nephew Jimmy came out onto the porch to meet them.   Hugs all around.

After a "Nice to meet you," Jimmy disappeared with their overnight bags, but Mama kept her hands firmly attached to Kelvin's arm.   "Reverend Gemstone, it's such a pleasure to have you in my home! I wanted to thank you in person for all you've done for my boy. But, you know, I've never seen him sing on the 'Praise Be to He' hour.  He has a wonderful voice, you know."

"That's not really my decision, Ma'am," Kelvin said, although actually it was.

"Mama!" Keefe exclaimed.  "You're embarrassing me."

"No, I'm not.  But listen to me rattling on.  You must be tired after your trip.  The men are watching football in the study.  You can join them, if you like.  Or would you like to go up to your room and relax until dinner?"  She pulled them into the foyer, said "Let me just take this ice chest to the kitchen," and vanished.

Keefe had no interest in sports, but he figured that the game would be the safest, and steered Kelvin to the study.  His brother-in-law Henry on the recliner.  His nephew Austin on the couch...and sitting next to him...what the heck was he doing here?

"Keefe, baby, I've been waiting for you!"  His ex-boyfriend leapt to his feet and hugged him.  He looked very different from when they were dating, much more conservative, not at all like the boy who flew too close to the sun (that was actually Icarus, not Daedalus, but they were really high when they came up with their nicknames). 

 His arms around Keefe, his tight, hard body pressing against him, brought back memories of a thousand nights with the band, performing, getting cruised by fanboys,  dreaming of stardom...and a thousand nights in the bedroom after, Daedalus gently stroking his hair while Keefe went down on him.  Kelvin was not at all gentle -- he was a roaring lion in bed, laying waste to his body with a passion so intense that it was a little frightening.

"Um..hi...Daedalus..." Keefe said, reddening as he began to get aroused.  "I haven't seen you since..."

"The night you broke my heart?"  He broke away and laughed.  "Just kidding."  He turned to Kelvin and held out his hand.  "And this must be your happily-ever-after guy."

"What?" Kelvin pretended to be surprised.  No, I'm Kelvin Gemstone, the youth pastor at the Salvation Center, Keefe's boss....and housemate.  Church staff has to live on the estate, you see, and I had a spare room...."  Stop lying! Keefe thought savagely.  You're sounding more and more ridiculous.

Daedalus looked more closely.  "Oh, right, I remember you from the night you broke up Baby Queef's performance at Club Sinister. You should have seen him, Henry -- we had Keefe in this isolation tank that symbolized the womb, right, and Indiana Jones here comes splashing in, tearing off the tubes that brought him oxygen, hugging him, kissing him -- the guy's mouth was full of amniotic fluid, mind you -- and whispering 'I love you. I love you.'...do you do that for all of your 'housemates,' Kelv Baby?"

"It was part of the act.  We arranged it in advance," Kelvin said, lying again to save face -- and to avoid admitting that it was the moment when he realized that he was in love with Keefe.  An important moment!  One you should want to share.

"Sounds exciting," Henry said. "You should have taped it."

"Um...excuse me.  I need to give Mama directions on how to prepare our casserole."  He ran into the kitchen.  "Mama!  Why on Earth did you invite my ex-boyfriend to Thanksgiving Dinner?"

She frowned.  "Well, why not?  Daedalus came to every Thanksgiving and Christmas for five years.  And your nephew Austin's piano recitals. Jimmy called him 'Uncle Daedus.'" He's part of the family.  Just because you broke up for some crazy reason doesn't mean we have to break up with him, too."

"I found God, Mama! Isn't that what you wanted for me?"

"All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.  And you were happy with Daedalus.  A lot happier than you seem now, when every word I say makes you uncomfortable or angry, and the wonderful Reverend Gemstone treats you like his personal servant.  Now, does this casserole get onion rings on top, or not?"

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.3, Continued: The darkness of roller coasters, hookups, club bulges, and apples. With lots of n*de musclemen

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Gemstones Episode 2.3: Kelvin topples, Keefe cuddles, and Titus is caged. With bonus semen loads

Previous: Episode 2.2: Kelvin clenches,Keefe dances, and everybody flirts with Eli. 

Episode 2.3 explores the darkness at the heart of Eli and Kelvin's empires.  

Title: "For He is a Liar and the Father of Lies." In John 8:44, Jesus complains that the Pharisees are children of the Devil, "for he is a liar and the father of lies."  I wonder who the liar is here.

Four guys in the steam showers:  A montage of the God Squad in their compound outside Kelvin's house, working out with wooden equipment, shaving with an axe, growing crops.  Performers that Kelvin hired would have apartments in town and ordinary social lives, with friends and families.  This is a whole society, a homoerotic alternative to the mundane world of men constrained by wives and children, imprisoned in small square houses "made of ticky tacky."  

In literature and film, the adventure ends with marriage.  The hero is domesticated, exchanging his battles and intrigues for a mortgage and a briefcase, his band of brothers for the Eternal Feminine.  The God Squad offers an escape: "no women allowed," either in the Squad or hanging about outside, hoping to "civilize them."

Kelvin congratulates Keefe on his leadership, then says  "I'll meet you in the steam showers, but bring Titus and Odd Chris.  I could smell them during worship."  Every guy working in the hot sun all day will be pungent; in-universe, he is obviously inviting the other men so he and Keefe can each have a sex partner.  The leaders of many messianic cults require sex with random members.  

No one named Odd Chris appears in the cast list, but Titus will be the first God Squad member to rebel. Interestingly, in the Bible the Apostle Paul set Titus to Corinth to deal with a challenge to his authority.

After Keefe leaves to prepare the orgy, Jesse drops by to reveal his theory that Eli murdered Thaniel Block and the other men.  Kelvin refuses to hear it, and wants to defend Eli's honor.  "You ain't as tough as you think, boy!" Jesse exclaims, putting up his fists.  Then he sees the God Squad preparing to defend Kelvin, and backs off.  Messiah Kelvin has some loyal followers!

Junior Threatens Brock:  We cut to Eli at home, putting his bloody pants from last night into the hamper and watching a news report about the murders. Security guard Brock calls to tell him that Junior wants in.  "Tell him I'm not here." Was Junior his partner in the murders, or did he do the job on his own?

Junior blusters and threatens him, but finally he drives away. You may recall that in Season 1, Scotty flirted with Brock to gain access to the Gemstone compound.  But Junior has moved away from his gay-subtext flirting; he is pure threat. 

The Human Pyramid:  We see the God Squad perform before an audience of teens.  Kelvin introduces the strongest member, Torsten, who dated a "female" in high school before she tried to seduce him, and he had to decide on "his celibacy or his soul."  It is clear that by "celibacy," Kelvin means much more than avoiding sex with women.  You must reject the entire heterosexist trajectory of job, house, wife, and kids, the nuclear family myth, the domestication and civilization threatened by the "female."  The way to salvation lies in the beauty of male bodies, in homoerotic desire unhindered by emotional connection. 

But when they move on to a human pyramid, with Kelvin on top, it topples.  The House of Cards collapses.  Maybe it can't be all about the penis after all.  Keefe behaves like a concerned boyfriend, rushing onto the stage and embracing Kelvin -- to protect him from plummeting musclemen?

Kelvin Wants to Spoon: What follows is very difficult to read. Fans are likely to shake their heads and say WTF?  during their first, second, and third viewing. The showrunners want us to be unsure whether the guys are actually gay, of course, but that's been obvious since Episode 1 to anyone with a basic knowledge of queer codes.  The real question: is Keefe Kelvin's assistant and acolyte, or his romantic partner?  Are they friends with benefits, or are they in love?    

On the surface, it seems easy enough.  Kelvin, in underwear, is looking out the window at the God Squad below. Keefe enters, having drawn him a bath, and tells him that both Liam and Titus were injured in the human pyramid debacle.  Kelvin thinks that it's their own fault for being soft on the fundamentals and skipping leg day.  "Something might have to be done about Titus," he says menacingly, an action-adventure movie villain.  

Keefe: "I completely agree."  Note that he is not an assistant, or his opinion would be irrelevant.  They are equal partners in the God Squad Cult.  "But some of the others have been questioning their place here as well. That's the downside of assembling an entire group of alpha males.  As they grow stronger, they grow more defiant."  The men are not content with being mere objects of desire; they want autonomy and control. 

Kelvin slips off his underwear and hands them to Keefe, who helps him put on his bathrobe -- from behind.   He has to press his body against Kelvin, crotch to butt.  Then he caresses Kelvin's thighs instead of breaking away. It would be much easier from the front.  Why does he go in from the rear?  

When he is finished, Keefe walks over to the mirror, but Kelvin isn't having it, and moves in front of him to get into the butt-to-crotch position again. 

Their gestures and positions are blatantly erotic.  Kelvin is in physical and emotional distress, and wants to be comforted.  In a society where romance is forbidden, this is how lovers cuddle.

"Brother, what's troubling you? " Keefe asks. "Your mind seems dark and black."  It's a secret.  Keefe promises not to tell anyone.

Kelvin turns around to reveal that his Daddy may be a murderer.  Their faces are only a few inches apart, far too close even for lovers, unless they're about to kiss.  One of them must back up to a comfortable conversational distance.  Kelvin is right against the mirror, so it's up to Keefe to back up.  Why doesn't he back up?. 

We see here Keefe struggling with his desire to move the relationship from "erotic partners" to "boyfriends," struggling with his urge to kiss Kelvin. Notice that he says "Are we in trouble?", not "Are you in trouble."  He is not an employee, who could just find another job if the church went down.  They are romantic partners; they are in this together.

Eli lays down the law: In the next scene, Eli notes that Liam (Peter Kaasa), who was injured during the human pyramid stunt, is suing the Gemstones. They don't need another scandal right now. 

He tells Kelvin to "stop acting like a child" and "grow up."  It's time to "put on your big boy pants, and stop playing with your muscular boys."  Kelvin yells "They're muscle men, Daddy," but he has missed the point.

 Eli thinks that Kelvin's erotic play is immature and childish.  Adults can't be all about desire, about doing things behind closed doors; they need connection to the greater society.  His talk omits the usual "find a girl, get married, and have kids" part of the heteronormative litany, since he knows that Kelvin will never relate to a woman in that way.  But he still needs relationships based on love as well as desire.  He needs to be part of a family.  

Sorry, I ran out of space, so Titus will be caged and do the coming in the next section.  But I included a few photos of guys depositing semen loads to put you in the mood. 

Bonus semen loads after the break.  Warning: explicit.

Gemstones Episode 2.2 Kelvin clenches, Keefe dances, and everybody flirts with Eli. With proof that everything is bigger in Texas.

Previous:  Episode 2.1, Continued: Keefe's kiss, Kelvin's boner, and a thug with broken thumbs. With Jonah Hauer-King and a proper erection bonus

In Episode 2.1, while we establish the Kelvin/Keefe, Judy/BJ, and Jesse/Amber conflicts of the season, Eli's old friend Junior stops by, and acts very much like an ex-lover.  They go out to dinner and beat up a tough.  Now we see the aftermath.

Title: "After I Leave, Savage Wolves will Come."  In Acts 20.29. Paul tells the Ephesians that after he leaves, savage wolves or false teachers will tear the flock apart. So, who is the wolf invading the Gemstones' lives?

Eli Gemstone indicted! Thaniel Block sits on the porch of his rental house in the South Carolina woods, reading some news stories from 1993: Gemstone Family Studios to close due to "a financial and rumors of  sexual scandals," with $4 million missing.  Another article: "Eli Gemstone indicted on charges of fraud and conspiracy." But Episode 2.5 takes place at Christmas 1993.  When did all this happen? Geezer Tim drops by to criticize him for living in New York and having a "nasty attitude." 

A Hot Piece of Tail: Judy and BJ visit Eli to ask him to officiate in BJ's baptism.  They find him asleep on the couch in the parlor. Junior enters and asks "Who's this hot piece of tail?"  He's actually looking at BJ, but Eli assumes that he means Judy and says that she is his daughter.  He apologizes and asks if BJ is her lesbian partner. BJ starts to answer, but Judy cuts him off: "He's big-dicking you."

There are several takeaways here.  First, Eli and Junior did not sleep together; Eli fell asleep on the couch. Weren't there any guest rooms in his mansion? 

Second, check out Junior's magenta bathrobe, jaunty hand on him, and pinky ring: he is deliberately presenting as queer.   

Third, Eli may have mentioned that one of his children is gay, and Junior forgot which.

Execretions and Hep C Loads:  After Junior heads to the kitchen to make coffee, Judy wants to know what's going on.  Eli tells her that "things got a little carried away last night," which she interprets to mean that they are having rough sex.  He grimaces in disgust, but plays along to mess with her.  

Her main criticism is that Junior is unattractive: "I always hoped that if you were gonna yank a pole, it would be someone hot."  So Judy has considered the possibility that Eli is bisexual for a long time. 

She states that the "hookup" signifies that Eli doesn't care about his family.  Remember that Jesse likewise complains that Kelvin "popping boners" with the muscle men is "selfish, not helping the family."  But it's not just gay sex; on this show, having a partner of any sort is framed as a betrayal.  The family is aghast when Judy wants to move off the Compound with BJ; Baby Billy is still hurt over his sister Aimee-Leigh "leaving him" to marry Eli.  

As they storm out, Judy cautions BJ to not touch anything, as there are probably execretions and Hep C loads everywhere.  This is a call back to Abraham leaving his semen everywhere in Jesse's house, plus an awareness that Hepatitus C can easily spread through anal sex, so it is particularly common in gay communities.

Good Sniffer Seats: After they leave, Eli joins Junior on the back patio, overlooking the reflecting pool that leads to Aimee-Leigh's shrine.  Eli invites him to church, but he worries about the cost.  Junior avers that he's been to enough strip joints to know that you have to pay for the "good sniffer seats."  I can't find the term "sniffer seat" defined anywhere, but I guess that it's a seat close enough to the stage to smell the performers.  There are male strip clubs, but he's probably referencing a lady's club, being a hetero horn dog, backing off from the implication of same-sex activity. 

But not entirely: Eli offers to reserve a good seat for him, and the guys hold hands!

On closer examination, it turns out to be a man and a woman holding hands. We have cut to a scene involving Jesse and Amber's marital advice group. But it is so abrupt that the misdirection must be intentional.  The man is even wearing a shirt the same color as Junior's robe.

After the group meeting, Matthew and Chad ask why Jesse's old crew isn't hanging out together anymore.  This is all marital stuff, heterosexual nuclear family stuff; what happened to the band of brothers, savage and free?  Gregory explains; "I love you guys, but happy wife, happy life." You must abandon same-sex loves for heterosexual destiny.

You Got a Hound Dog Here: Cut to Thaniel visiting the Salvation Center, where he admits that he has sexual-scandal dirt on Aimee-Leigh, gathered from household staff.  Well, at least Kelvin is off the hook.

The World's Most Famous Christian: Next, Jesse and Amber visit the Lissons in Texas for a party to celebrate the proposed Zion's Landing resort. Joe Jonas, the World's Most Famous Christian, leads everyone in a line dance.  He proclaims his heterosexuality, singing about the "beautiful girls" he's been with while wearing a formless leopard robe and pink bandana, the antithesis of Kelvin's tiger jacket and porn-star-bulging jeans. Desire for women un-mans a man, renderng him soft and sickly; only in the manly love of comrads can a man be strong and free.

Keefe dances: At church, they welcome those who have found God in the past month, including BJ. He has always been a non-believer before; it is unclear whether he has actually had a "born again" experience, or is just pretending to be accepted by the family.  

The welcome is framed as a heterosexual union, with Judy hugging BJ and Kelvin grudgingly hugging a female convert. He's disgusted by touching "females," even as part of his job.  Meanwhile, on a balcony far removed from the stage, Keefe leads the God Squad in a dance, invisible, ignored, forever cut off from heterosexual practice, forever cut off from the family.  

Nude Texas dudes after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.1 Continued: Keefe's kiss, Kelvin's boner, and a thug with broken thumbs. With Jonah Hauer-King and some boners

Previous: Episode 2.1: Junior likes dicks, Kelvin likes pecs, and f*k yeah, we got both!

In the last scene, Keefe is excluded from Sunday dinner with the family.  Now we see what he missed:

Judy and BJ accused of betraying the family because they got married at Disney World (by Prince Eric, the "hottest guy in the Disney catalog").

There's also a jab at Kelvin's muscle obsession. But it’s not just homoerotic desire.  Heterosexual desire is also incompatible with the family: when Jesse disses Judy for not being a mother, she argues that she's trying to keep her body "foine" to incite BJ's desire.  Nope, they need to have a family. 

Left and below: Jonah Hauer-King, who played Prince Eric in the Litle Mermaid movie.

More Disruptions: We cut to Eli playing croquet, gazing at women's butts, and flirting with a lady.  Suddenly Junior, his friend from his wrestling days, appears amid sinister music!   Eli ignores him and drives away.  A homoerotic disruption of Eli's heterosexual dalliance, parallel to the God Squad disrupting the nuclear family procession earlier. 

Next, the Jesse-Amber plot, a new Christian-themed resort, Zion's Landing, proposed by their megachurch pastor chums, Lyle and Lindy Lissons.  Jesse doesn't have any money of his own, so he'll have to convince Eli to invest.  He's got a job at the church; he should get a salary.  Daddy Eli is super over-controlling, like his daddy was, and like Kelvin will be with his homoerotic Band of Brothers.

My Mans:  The family flies to Florida to inspect the site of the Lyssons' proposed resort.   When they return, Keefe and the God Squad meet them at their private airfield.  The family is shocked: didn't they know about the God Squad? 

"Uh-oh, my mans!" Kelvin exclaims, rushing forward to tell Keefe "You are looking great!"  In Southern Coastal grammar, "mans" is singular, "mens" plural.  He means Keefe.

Keefe tries to move in for a kiss, but Kelvin blocks him with an awkward hug.  He tries again, and Kelvin blocks him again. Finally he makes a blatant "enough!" gesture and backs off.  Judy finds this little dance hilarious.   It reflects the couple's conflict this season: Keefe wants to join the family as Kelvin's partner, the equivalent of BJ, sitting at the dinner table being criticized, while Kelvin isn't sure that same-sex romance is even possible.  His muscle cult is about desire: no love allowed. 

We cut to Eli in his office, watching a tv news show: Thaniel Block being interviewed about the "salacious scandal" story that took down Pastor Butterfield.  How famous was this guy?  I thought he was just the anonymous pastor of a satellite church.  They preach "sex only between married heterosexual partners, or you're going to hell," but privately they do everything under the sun.  Who will he target next?   Maybe Kelvin-- "Secretly gay youth minister holds wild orgies with his stable of muscle boys."  Ulp.   

Damn, we got old: Later, Eli is standing at the docks, worrying, when Junior approaches him and grabs him from behind, another homoerotic intrusion into his heteronormative life.  Junior complains that Eli forgot that he existed. 

Then: "We got old.  I look like a piece of shit, but damn!  You look sturdy!  Still got that mass going on!"  He grabs Eli's butt to check. Sort of presumptuous, dude, thinking that your ex will still be into you after fifty years. 

Eli thinks that Junior plans to blackmail him over revealing their days as loan enforcers (and lovers?), but he claims that he's just there for nostalgia, looking up an old friend.  "Why you all nervous, Eli?  Why are you bein' all weird?"  In this series, "weird" usually refers to sexual frustration.

Junior tries to hug him again, but Eli pushes him away.  On a scale of 1 to 100, how certain are you that these guys spent the psychedelic 1970s enjoying free love?  

As Eli walks away, Junior guilts him into a dinner invitation.

Sticky Stephens:  Nuclear families are  eating at Sticky Stephens, a parody of the Sticky Fingers Restaurant in Charleston that closed down in 2020.  Both sound dirty. The 1972 Rolling Stones album of that name  depicted a pair of jeans with an enormous bulge, leaving no question about why the fingers are sticky.

Junior points out a kissing couple: "Damn, look at that piece of tail he's with!" Ok, so he's bi.  Everybody watches as the man, Randall (Rene Rivera), lifts his girl onto the counter so they can have sex right in the restaurant!  Why doesn't someone on staff intervene? Eli yells at him to "tone down romance," and Randall yells "Suck my dick, Grandpa." But the couple leaves.

Over dinner, Junior reveals that he's now a wrestling promoter: "I got a stable full of fellas I keep working."  Tell me more, tell me more.  What do they do besides wrestling? Stripping?  Sex work?

"I wonder what my Daddy would think about you and me being reunited," Junior says.  Eli answers: "He put us together, so he would think he did a pretty good job."  Except they were separated for a lifetime.  That's not a great job of matchmaking.

Junior says that his Daddy just disappeared one day, setting up a major mystery of the Season: Did Eli murder Glendon Marsh?

Proper erections after the break.  Warning: explicit

Blair's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1: Wicked Lips, Fierce Friday, and what happened in Australia in the summer of 2016

This is a collection of hot/hung or humorous photos of actor/model Blair Jackson, who becomes Kelvin's nemesis in Righteous Gemstones Episode 1.4, "Wicked Lips." I'm only sure about one of the nude photos.

1. "It's ok. My roommate says you can spend the night."

2. "Do my abs look too big?"

3. "What do you mean, I have to wear a shirt to be serviced?  I usually take off my shirt when I want to be...oh, you said 'served.'"

4. What happens down under, stays down under.

5. What happens in the library, stays in library.

6. Thai dreams of thighs.  And shoulders.  And....

More Blair after the break

Adam Devine's divine dick

Previous: Adam Devine's Ginormous Glutes

The Righteous Gemstones is known for its cock shots, but none come from the main cast, so all we have seen of Kelvin (Adam DeVine) to date is his physique, bulge, and butt

As Mama Rose tells us in Gypsy:

That's okay for some people

Some hum-drum everyday people

who don't know they're alive. 

But I want to see the Full Monty.

Kelvin failed to show us his Gemstone dick, but we can see the glorious Adam Devine in two movies:

Jexi (2019) features Adam as a life coach whose cell phone becomes sentient and tries to control his life, including sending dick pics to everyone he knows.

He confirmed that it is him, not a stunt cock.

In an interview, he stated that when fans say "I liked your movie," they are talking about his acting.  When they say "I really, really, really liked your movie," they are talking about his cock.

More after the break

A new, improved batch of Adam Devine beefcake, bulge, and butt photos. With maybe a d*ck or two.

I thought I had seen every butt, bulge and cock scene in every one of Adam Devine's movies and tv shows, but nope, there are more.  I'm not even going to think of clever comments; let's just get to the goods.

1. From the Righteous Gemstones Season 4 trailer.  Kelvin gets up off his knees and tells Keefe: "This our world now. We can do what we want."  I have  pretty good idea what he wanted, but the question is, did he swallow?

2.  Adam wigggling his jelly roll in Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.  Wait until you see Zac Efron's bulge later on!

3. Adam as Adam, with a snake and an apple.  I'm not sure about this one.  Butt looks a little too hairy.

4. A very young Adam sports a blatant bulge.

5. A side butt in a hospital gown in Workaholics.

6. Hey, who let the gay guy from Bumper in Berlin in here?

More Adam, Ders, and Tony after the break