Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Pontius has four dicks, and Kelvin is scared. With Hamlet, some German guys, and Casper the Friendly Ghost

 

Title: "He Goeth Before You Into Galilee."  Matthew 28.7 Mary Magdalene and the other Mary see that the tomb of Jesus is empty.  An angel tells them to tell the disciples that he has risen from the dead, and "he goeth before you ointo Galilee."  

Left: Since the Nanny is German, I'm including a few German guys, this one from Ingolstadt.

Welcome to Galilee Gulch.  Baby Billy water-skiing naked, extensive shots of his dong and butt that made some viewers mad.  "Why we got to see that?  Why can't we see Amber's stuff? Every man on Earth, without exception, loves looking at breasts!"  Um...you've heard about gay men, right?  

Then the Gemstones and Milsaps arrive at Galilee Gulch, a huge "lake house" on Lake Marion, about an hour north of Charleston.  Coincidentally, the house where they filmed is owned by a gay couple. 

Pontius complains;  Gideon tells him to not disrespect the lake house, and makes him carry a bag.  He says "Get a life, you dork!"  Abraham agrees: "Such a little ass-kiss."  Abraham has only two lines this season, both about butts.  Got something on your mind, Buddy?

Some cute attendants, who aren't in the cast list, take care of the wheelchair-using BJ, who complains that the whole place is inaccessible.  He'll be constantly complaining about everything through the episode.

Keefe wants to go waterskiing naked, like Uncle Baby Billy, but Kelvin doesn't want to hang dong with his uncle.  Then he forces Keefe to carry the gigantic trunk full of shoes into the house.  That's no way to treat your partner, buddy.  At least he calls Keefe "Sweetheart."

Baby Billy's Breakup Plan: Uncle Baby Billy disapproves of the Eli-Lori relationship -- we aren't told why, but maybe he knows something from Lori's past -- and pushes the siblings into a plan to break them up. The siblings point out that they arranged this weekend retreat because the lake house is full of Aimee-Leigh's things, and will certainly cause Eli to feel guilty about "abandoning Mama."   Maybe they can push things along.

They tell the staff to leave Aimee-Leigh's clothes in Eli's bedroom.  Angry, he calls "the help" and has them all moved into Kelvin and Keefe's room.  

Kelvin is pretending to read the complete works of William Shakespeare.  Another clue that we're in the middle of Hamlet.

The New Nanny: Baby Billy is being nasty to his wife and children ("Get them out of here!"), and expresses his hatred for the butch Germanic nanny, Sola (Kirsten Schultze).  So why not fire her?

Gideon is Gay:  Friday dinner. Kelvin, Keefe, Abraham, and BJ are playing blackjack, the others sitting around a kitchen island.  Jesse gets jealous because Gideon is sitting next to Eli, and they shared a joke. 

 Jesse is treating Gideon as a romantic partner who is cheating on him.  That is not really happening, of course, but it is heavily implied that Gideon is gay, for the first time since Season 1.  There are queer codes about Pontius and Abraham, too.  It's starting to look like Jesse has three gay sons.

Corey apologizes for his reaction to Eli/Lori, and brings in 100 pounds of barbecued pork. 

Jesse's Breakup Plan: After dinner, Keefe goes swimming (distant beefcake shot), and the others hang out or play cornhole.  Corey thinks that Eli is good for his Mama, better than Big Dick Mitch at the Benz dealership, who she used to date, or is still dating -- he's not sure.  

Left: Muscle guy from Munich.

Jesse can use this!  He rushes over to Eli and Lori and brings up Big Dick Mitch in "casual conversation."  Eli gets upset and storms away.

Later, in the bedroom, Lori claims that she doesn't know where Jesse got that idea.  She only dated Mitch twice; they had no chemistry.  Then how does Corey know about the size of his dick?  They discuss whether to keep it casual, allow dating other people, or "go steady."  Go steady it is. 

Dress-Me-Ups: The staff has moved Aimee-Leigh's clothes into Kelvin and Keefe's bedroom!  Kelvin shoves them into a closet, and then joins Keefe to cuddle on the bed.  

Dig the matching pajamas, except Kelvin's have legs, and Keefe's end above the knee, so you can get to his crotch more easily.

Keefe is reading an obscure comic book called The Zero Patrol, from 1984. Only two issues were published.  The hero is telling someone named Dedalus that "The Princess is still mine."  Daedalus was Keefe's Satanist friend in Season 1; maybe we're looking at Keefe's attempt to protect Kelvin from the Darkness.  Or maybe the prop master just grabbed something that had a muscleman on the cover and wasn't Marvel or DC.

He sets the comic aside so they can watch Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), the scene where psycho-killer Jason is shown worshipping the mummified head of his dead mother.  A parallel to the siblings' worship of Aimee-Leigh.  Kelvin gets scared and buries his head into Keefe's crotch (dude, are you scared or horny?), but Keefe assures him that "she's just doing dress-me-ups." .

Like a Hallmark Movie:  Saturday morning.  The Nanny practices her kung-fu. Baby Billy berates her again.

Cut to a montage of everyone water-skiing, while BJ looks on, angry.

Later, the siblings discuss Lori and Eli again.  Amber thinks it's like a Hallmark movie: two old friends fall in love.  Jesse berates her and insults her knowledge of movies.  

So far Jesse, Judy, Baby Billy, and Corey have berated and yelled at their partners.  These relationships are doomed.

Kelvin's Breakup Plan:  The family gathers for a performance.  Keefe is waving at the stage with a toy dinosaur, a shot which appeared in the trailer, making fans think that he and Kelvin had kids.  No, he's waving at Kelvin.  Why is a 40-year old man holding a toy dinosaur?

In a parallel to the play "wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king" in Hamlet, the siblings sing -- badly --about how Mama is in the house, judging everyone, disapproving of the "betrayal." Eli storms off. Feeling guilty, Claudius?

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.3: Keefe does stuff with the Devil, Vance is homophobic, and Kelvin is doomed. With a stunt cock and a nude Hamlet

 

Title: "To Grieve Like the Rest of Men Who Have No Hope," 1 Thessalonians 4.13.  Paul is telling his followers not to grieve "like men who have no hope," since they will see their loved ones again in heaven.

Kelvin Screams: 2002.  During a thunderstorm, an intruder breaks into the house, smashes a photo of Eli and Aimee-Leigh and some other memorabilia, and takes the gold-plated Bible from the Civil War.  Close up of a destroyed framed magazine cover promising "Hot Gossip" and featuring Brendan Fraser.

The intruder continues into the playroom and smashes a photo of the siblings and Kelvin's army men.  There's a muscle man in skimpy underwear, denoting that Kelvin is gay.

He lifts up the bed to find a hiding 12-year old Kelvin, who screams.  Notice the enclosed space. They will appear often in the episode, giving the viewer a sense of disquiet. The family is trapped.

Night Sweats: Kelvin awakens screaming from a nightmare.   Keefe notes that his nocturnal terrors and night sweats are getting worse, and uses a towel to daub him, but Kelvin insists that it was just a nightmare, and goes back to sleep. I'm worried about the night sweats -- when I was living in West Hollywood, it was the first sign that you were HIV positive -- but surely they don't mean that Kelvin is sick.  

Doing Stuff with the Devil, Part 1: Kelvin hates storms; it's like the Devil is peeing on you.  Keefe agrees, with a amazing monologue about the Devil pouring down his piss on people, who think it's a wine cooler or kombucha, and drink it.  He looks out into the storm and says "Your hot sorcery piss can't hurt us in here. Begone, Devil"  but the Dark Lord is already inside: Keefe has a no-hands orgasm.  

Doing Stuff with the Devil, Part 2:  Looks like that devil is Lori.  She finishes having sex with Eli in the bathroom -- another enclosed space -- and tells him "You're so bad!"  She is tempting him to evil, like the serpent in the Garden of Eden.

Then they go out to a family picnic.  We meet Lori's son Corey (Seann William Scott, top photo), who used to spend time with the siblings and thinks that their squabbling is hilarious, and his ditzy wife Jana (Arden Myrin).  

Left: a parody Sean Playdude cover.

The scene seems to be mostly ad-libbed cinéma vérité, allowing us to see the Gemstones in a moments of joy before things go very wrong.  Some takeaways:

1. No airport or shopping mall wanted to buy the Prayer Pods, so Jesse is humiliated. 

2. Keefe says that on Gay Reddit, they're called "squirt yurts."  This is the first time he has said "gay."

3. They make fun of Eli for being too old and uncool to attract women, but Lori defends him: "Looks pretty cool to me."  

Later, the siblings and Corey see Eli and Lori together, and laugh at the idea that they could be involved.

The Last Safe Space: On the way home, Keefe imagines Kelvin winning the Top Christian Man award by default, with all of the other nominees dead, weird.

They see that Kelvin's childhood treehouse is being demolished.  The Groundskeeper (Brian Sides) says that it was damaged heavily in the storm, and it's unstable, but Kelvin insists that they don't touch it. Another safe space gone.  

Left: Michael Rooker, who appears in the cast list of the episode.  We don't know who he is playing. Yet. 

Left: the Groundskeeper's butt.  Or at least the butt you get when you search for "Brian Sides" and "nude."

Burning Down the House:  In the board room, Jesse is mentoring Gideon by demonstrating church management.  His Leadership Team enters: the usual crew (Gregory, Levi, Chad, Matthew), plus Martin.  

Bad news: Vance Simkins, one of the antagonists from Season 3, is back, opening a  new church in a mini-mall right next to a Gemstone satellite church.  

Chad suggests burning Vance's church down, but Jesse is trying to be a role model for Gideon, so he takes Martin's suggestion: the siblings could perform at the satellite church, to ensure that members don't defect. 

BJ Falls from the Sky: The male pole-dancing competitition.  Nice bulge on the first performer.

In the locker room, Judy gives BJ a pep talk: "Eye of a tiger, dick of a horse."  A guy with a horse dick walks by (below).

BJ begins his routine, but then falls on his head.  Judy screams for an ambulance.  This happened much too fast.  We needed a number of scenes of BJ preparing and competing.

Is BJ Dead?: The family gathers at the hospital.  Everyone wonders why Eli and Lori arrived at the same time, suspecting that the two are having s*x.  Maybe focus on the crisis?

A doctor appears and tells Judy "I'm very sorry."  Ulp.

No, BJ isn't dead, but he's paralyzed, and will have to use a wheelchair.  Judy cries.  "What are we going to do?"

Tim Baltz's stunt double Ryan Mooney and his little friend.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.2: Baby Billy's dong, BJ's pole, Pontius' private parts, and the Clobber Verses

Title: "You Hurled Me Into the Depths, Into the Very Heart of the Sea." Jonah 2.3: Jonah is in the belly of the great fish, praying for deliverance (not a whale -- there are no whales in the Mediterranean Sea).

Gemstone Roll Call: A gold-and-purple Baby Billy announces Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin in angel costumes.  The rest of the family joins them on stage for the Aimee-Leigh Birthday Give-A-Thon (in case you're interested, she was born on September 21, 1955).

Keefe does a high kick.  The siblings appear in jetpacks, and rise up over the stage, but things go wrong and they crash.  Fortunately, it's just a rehearsal.

Baby Billy's Dong:  In the dressing room, the siblings refuse to continue with the jetpack bit, but Baby Billy insists: this is too important. So he's in charge now? And where the heck is Eli?   Somewhere in Florida. He won't answer their phone calls. 

Baby Billy then drops his trousers to flop his dong around: "This is what a real man looks like.  I booked all these people to the Give-a-Thon, so Eli has to be there!"   Fans were complaining that the stunt cock guy had no balls.  Who's looking for balls?

Eli Hooks Up:  Somewhere in Florida (actually the Keys), a grotesque long-haired Eli awakens on his boat, Nice Mussels, and cooks eggs for the lady he "69ed for 45 minutes" last night.  She wants more of his "thick breakfast sausage" instead, but he explains that he is not ready for a relationship.  He's still trying to figure out what he wants.  Dude, you're 73.  Better hurry.  Besides, "I don't like you."  

She rushes off, but Eli struts down the dock, smoking a cigar, cruising the ladies.  Easter Egg: he has a cap from Adams College, a call-back to "Revenge of the Nerds"

Uh-oh, it's the siblings, for some reason dressed in their Cape and Pistol society costumes.  Judy has an unexplained bandaged hand.  They yell at Eli for drinking too much, and when they find a bra, hooking up with ladies.  "Am I supposed to be in mourning all my life?"  "Yes!"  They had the same argument in Season 2, when Eli hooked up with a lady after Bowling Night.

He refuses to go to the telethon.  The siblings annoy him by saying "p*ssy" over and over, and making the tongue-through-fingers gesture, until he consents.  How does Kelvin know about that?

Time to set up the sibling conflicts for the season:

BJ's Pole:  BJ (not pictured) is in a pole dancing class otherwise occupied entirely by women (the casting call asked for men, too, but I guess none showed up).  Judy disapproves of him spending so much time aroiund hot ladies, or having any life outside of her, but he explains that the "physical rigor and slightly taboo nature of pole dancing" has keyed into his obsessive nature, like pickleball in Season 3 and skating in Season 2.  BJ's story arc always involves trying to become his own person, distinct from Judy.

It turns out that pole dancing is a competitive sport, with men and women participants.

Living Loud and Proud: Kelvin and Keefe in glittering green hold their all-inclusive Bible study in a glittering green hall.  Applause by a drag queen, a butch lesbian, a couple of gay guys.  He explains that Prism, "where diversity sparkles," involves "looking at the Bible in a different light."  They talk all around it, but they don't say "gay."  I'm concerned. 

They see the Bible differently from "older, lamer generations."  They omit the yucky stuff and concentrate on the good stuff, with the Kelvin Gemstone Edition Bibles.  So they're censoring the text?  Why not discuss the contemporary scholarly consensus that the Five Clobber Verses have nothing to do with contemporary LGBTQ identities:

1. The story of Sodom: their sin was being inhospitable to strangers, not being gay.

2. "Thou shalt not lie with man as with woman": A reference to temple prostitution.  Anyhow, the next passage says that eating shrimp is an abomination, too.

3. "Men, leaving the natural use of women, burned with lust."  It's a story about lust, not a condemnation of gay relationships.

4. "Strange flesh."  Dating angels.

5. "Homosexuals," a mistranslation of arsenokoitai and malakoi: slang swear words like motherf*ker, not meant to be taken literally

Back home, Keefe helps Kelvin de-flamboyant himself by taking off his shirt and rings. Kelvin is happy that he can finally "be myself and be worshipped for it," and their success is something that he can "throw in Jesse and Judy's faces."  I liked you better when you were buying dildos, buddy.

Keefe wants to be more open, like "kissing more in public," or maybe... getting married?   Keefe's story arc always has him trying to push a resistant Kelvin to the next stage in their relationship. Doubtless there'll be a Kelvin/Keefe wedding in Episode 4.8.

Kelvin is alarmed by the idea of marriage. Maybe if you did it right, on one knee, with a ring?  

Being more open would hurt their ministry.   What about Sigfried and Roy? "They were lickin' each other's wieners just like you and me do, but they didn't...put in the pipe with each other in front of the audience."  He wants to kiss you on stage, not put his pipe in  you.  It's not the same thing.

Siegfried and Roy performed magic acts with a white tiger in Las Vegas from 1967 to 2003.  They never  denied that they were romantic partners, but they never actually came out either.  When Roy died of COVID in 2020, Siegfried announced that "I have lost my best friend."

To assuage Keefe's hurt feelings, Kelvin becomes "the kissy monster."  Annoyed, Keefe complains that he doesn't have time for the kissy monster right now, but Kelvin chases him across the room.  He starts climbing, presumably onto the bed. Dude, he said no, and that "kissy monster" shtick is not at all sexy.

Bonus: In case Baby Billy's dong isn't enough, here's another.  

Pontius' Private Parts: Jesse taping a commercial for his new line of Prayer Pods, like privacy pods except that inside you can pray, play Bible Bonkers, listen to a sermon, and so on.  He forces the entire family into one.  It's a tight fit: Pontius, sitting on his lap, deliberately farts in his face.

In the dressing room, we get some back story:  Pontius (top photo and left) got kicked out of the Citadel for low grades, and  because he was posting videos of his buddies sticking firecrackers up each other's butts.  

That sounds like slang for homoerotic activity, but apparently it's a real thing: people put fireworks in their friends' butts as a prank.  

I still think Ponty is hinting at homoerotic interests..

Amber notes that you can "hurt your privates doing things like that," but Pontius insists that his privates work fine, disgusting his parents.  Darn, now you have viewers checking out your bulge.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.1: Elijah scoundrels, Winston dies, and Kelvin screams. With Bradley's bottom and Jackson's junk

The Righteous Gemstones Season 3 finale was a perfect ending to an imperfect series.  But fans wanted more, so:

Title: "Prelude."  This is not really an episode of The Righteous Gemstones at all.  It's a full theatrical movie starring Bradley Cooper, who you know as Ben in Wet Hot American Summer and Rocket Raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy.  So I'll do a scene-by-scene.

Scene 1: A small country church in Virginia, 1862.  Pastor Adam Grieves (Josh McDermitt, Eugene on The Walking Dead) preaches and takes an offering.  After the service, rogue Elijah Gemstone (Bradley Cooper) shoots him and steals the offering money and his gold-plated Bible (hopefully this will be important later).

Uh-oh, before he can escape, Confederate troops arrive at the church and, mistaking him for the pastor, announce that he's been drafted to be chaplain for their division, heading to Fredericksburg. It pays $50 per month ($2000 in today's money), plus room and board.

Overjoyed, Elijah asks for a moment to gather his things.  He changes clothes with Pastor Grieves, bashes his face in so no one will recognize him, and writes a note: "This is the body of a crook who tried to rob me.  He was handsome.  His name was Elijah Gemstone."   He was handsome?  Got yourself some same-sex desire going on, buddy?

Scene 2: A battle, with lots of Confederate soldiers being killed. Their grim faces flash by.  A boy gets his leg blown off.  600,000 soldiers died, plus about 1,000,000 civilians. 6% of the young adult men from the North, and 18% from the South

Captain Cane (Jim Cummings) approaches Elijah with the rumor that he was gambling and drinking with the guys last night, inappropriate behavior for a Man of God.  He denies it, and further threatens the Captain with hellfire for spreading rumors. Does this remind you of Jesse's sex-and-drugs party from Season 1?

Scene 3: Elijah is called to pray with the boy who got his leg blown off (Alex Saxon).  He is dying and afraid, but Elijah just pretends to pray.  

Cut to night, with Elijah is drinking and gambling with the guys.

Scene 4: Time to preach the Sunday sermon.  Elijah can't do it, so he just says "God doesn't expect us to be perfect.  We make mistakes, but we're trying to be good, and that's good enough."  In Baptist theology, you don't need to try: once you are saved, you are incapable of committing new sins. But Elijah doesn't know that.

Cut to more drinking and gambling, followed by trying to avoid praying with another dying soldier, Winston (Jackson Kelly).  This one is worried that he won't go to heaven, because he's killed people, but Elijah assures him that God has made an exception on his "Thou shalt not kill" policy for soldiers who are forced to fight. 

Scene 5: Elijah and the soldiers bathing in the river (blurry d*ck shot).  Afterwards Ned Rollins (Kimball Farley) announces that he recognizes Elijah from before the War. "It took me awhile, but I saw the way you shuffle the deck of cards, with your pinkie out like a woman."  So Elijah has some femme/gay characteristics?  Does he remind you of Kelvin?

His cover blown, Elijah attacks, but Ned just wants to partner with him: Major McFall (James Landry Hebert) is coming to camp tomorrow.  He's starting a card game, and he is loaded.  They could take him.

Cut to the card game.  They take him.  Then, worried that he will say something, Elijah kills Ned and stuffs his body in one of the coffins. And now he's Judy

Scene 6: On the road, a soldier (Nicholas Heffelfinger) tells Elijah the rumor that Ned deserted, and brags that he isn't afraid because he has the Spirit of God in him.  He is killed at that moment, as the Union troops attack.  A lot of men are killed, and twelve are captured and lined up to be shot.  Captain Stephens (Charles Ambrose) finds the gold-plated Bible on Elijah, surmises that he is a minister, and lets him go.  

But first he has to pray with the condemned men.  This time he prays for real: "These are good boys.  Some of them have done bad things, but they aren't bad boys. They killed people because they had to. I recommend that You send them to heaven."

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 3.9 : Five plot resolutions and a funeral. With collegiate cocks and a Josh O'Connor bonus

Title: "Wonders that Cannot be Fathomed, Miracles that Cannot be Counted." From Job 5,9, NIV.  Many terrible things have happened to Job, including physical ailments and the deaths of his children, but Eliphaz assures him that God can perform "wonders and miracles," and rescue him. We'll see what wonders and miracles God performs here.

Baby Billy is Bi:  Still trying to sell the siblings on his Bible Bonkers game show, Baby Billy (Walton Goggins, top photo), reveals he is friends with Dusty Daniels, the racing champ.  We cut to a scene of the two, plus famous actor Gene Hackman  (played by Kevin Murray) in Monte Carlo on New Years' Eve, 1999.  They're awaiting the Y2K bug, hugging, dancing, and dropping acid as if it's the end of the world.  

We cut to a bisexual after-party, with Dusty, Baby Billy, and Gene Hackman screwing and getting blow jobs, maybe from men, maybe from women -- hard to tell.  There's a male full frontal, but it morphs into a naked lady so fast that I can't get a screen shot, so I'll substitute Josh O'Connor's cock, left and below.

We zero in on the guys facing each other as they get blow jobs.  Baby Billy's partner is a woman, but Dusty's may be a man -- remember that he was established as bisexual back in Episode 3.2.

"Wait, " Jesse asks, "Did did you fuck Dusty Daniels?"

"I doubt it,  but you never know...we might have touched dicks. That's not the important part of the story."  The important part: he can talk Dusty Daniels into leaving his fortune to whoever wins at Bible Bonkers, the Gemstones or the Simpkins. 

So Kelvin came out to the family yesterday after years anguish, angst, self-doubt, backing-and-forthing, and annoyed viewers, and he still hasn't said the word.  Now Baby Billy comes out as bi with utter nonchalance.  Why couldn't he have said something to his nephew during Cousins' Night, or back in Season 1?

El Molino: We cut to a locust splatting on a windshield.  It's Uncle Peter and Chuck, driving the U-Haul full of explosives.  Peter has finally come up with a plan,  He doesn't specify what it is, but since it involves the Gemstones and explosives, it's not hard to figure out.  They're nearly out of gas, and the militia took all of their money, so they stop at El Molino, a real Hispanic supermarket with two locations in Charleston, to use the cash-counting machine.  

While Peter is inside, the U-Haul explodes!  He thinks that Chuck has been killed.

Out to the Family: The family gathers in Eli's parlor to watch a tv news report about Chuck's death.

Wait --when did the siblings stop hating their father?  Was a reconciliation moment cut?

 Notice that the guys are sitting on the right side of the room.  In four shots, Keefe moves from sitting a few inches away to leaning against the chair, his shoulder touching or almost touching Kelvin's thigh. They are so close that Kelvin can't move his hand or foot without bumping into him.

  They used to be very careful to avoid public displays of affection, holding hands under the table and forehead-pressing instead of kissing.  Now they casually cuddle in front of everyone, even family members who did not see the kiss.

They discuss the Bible Bonkers Family Feud-style game show.  The siblings will compete, but they need two more.  They were going to ask Chuck, a big Bible nerd, but he's dead, so it will have to be Karl and May-May.  

Cut to Jesse and Vance Simpkins (Stephen Dorf) at the Cape and Pistol Society, sniping at each other over who will win the Bible Bonkers game. Vance claims that he has the entire New Testament memorized.  When I was in the Nazarene church, we did the Jump Quiz based on a single book, and some very competitive types did try to memorize the whole thing. 

"We're going to humiliate your family," Vance proclaims, "On your own network. Let's see how far the mighty Gemstone Empire has fallen. They're all going to leave you.  Even God will forsake you."  God will forsake him for losing a Bible trivia game? 

Of all the gas stations in South Carolina:  Homeless, friendless, abandoned by his family, Peter sits outside a convenience store.  He prays: "I am in my darkest hour.  I am but a lost sheep in need of a shepherd.  Please give me a sign."

At that moment, Keefe pulls up in the Smut Busters van.  He's using that van for everyday chores?  Surely he and Kelvin have a dozen cars.  

He's listening to the song "Holy Lightning Rod" by Blesst, a Christian metal band (created for this episode?).  In Season 1, he considered metal music Satanic. He's come to realize that you don't need to give up things that you love to be a Christian, like heavy metal, Goth/Fetish outfits, and sex with guys.

Did God send him as the sign, to bring Peter back to Christ?  If so, it doesn't work -- they don't recognize each other.  (After all, they have only seen each other once).  So no soul-winning for Keefe.  But Peter does steal the Smut Busters van.

God saved you:  In the wilderness church, Karl and May-May mourn Chuck's death, clear off brush, and pray -- then she crosses herself   Surely somebody on the staff knew that only Catholics use that gesture.   Suddenly Chuck walks in!  He's alive!

Cut to the family back in Eli's parlor.  This time it's just Eli, the siblings, and the Montgomerys. Chuck explains that he made sure the parking lot was empty, then set off the explosion and ran away, so his Dad would think he was dead and he could escape.  

"Why were you super-mean to us, while we were in captivity?"  Chuck doesn't explain, but he avers that he didn't actually want them to die. Then why were you shooting at them?  Besides, he blew up the van to save them.  Doesn't that make up for the kidnapping?  I thought you blew up the van to save yourself.

So, about Bible Bonkers?  Chuck is a Bible expert, so May-May can drop out. The team will consist of Jesse, Judy, Kelvin, Chuck, and Karl.

Later, at the amusement park, Chuck tries to apologize to Jesse. They bond over having Daddies who are embarrassed by them.

 

The Bible Bonkers Filming:   Apparently several weeks have passed. The Bible Bonkers set is finished, and they're going to film the first episode.  

In the dressing room, Billy offers to give the sibling  the answers to the quiz questions.  Apparently once a grifter, always a grifter.  They refuse.  He claims that their parents were so neglectful, he practically had to raise them.   

As Gideon drives Eli and May-May to the filming, they see Peter in the stolen Smut Busters van.  He's up to no good!  Follow him! Why didn't Keefe report the van missing?

On set, the band starts to play and the dancers twirl about. Showtime! Baby Billy does a cheesy stand-up bit, then introduces the Gemstones vs. the Simpkins. 

Notice Kelvin's textured single-breasted green coat, "The Attico" from Farfetch, "The global destination for modern luxury."   It will become important later.

 The Simpkins team includes siblings Vance, Shay, and Craig, not seen since Episode 1, plus two young Asian girls.  Apparently they are ringers: there is no indication that any of the siblings has a partner or children.  Compare with the Gemstones, who, for all their faults, have devoted partners. 

Baby Bill asks easy fill-in-the-blank style Bible questions to Jesse-Vance and Judy-Shay.  The Gemstones lose.  

Now it's Kelvin-Craig's turn.  First Kelvin does a self-aggrandizing coat-swirling dance. Keefe, watching from the VIP section with the other partners, responds with a  weird robot thing.  It looks like he's following along with the move they practiced.  

Meanwhile, Gideon, May-May, and Eli follow Peter to the Salvation Center.   Couldn't they have called the police from the car?  Don't these people have cell phones?  He drives to the loading dock, on a day when there are no services, so he probably expects the church to be empty. 

When the Gemstones confront him,  he announces that he has filled the Smut Busters van with explosives, triggered by his fitbit watch.  Wait-- where did he get a second batch?

 May -May yells that both his sons are inside.  Chuck is alive after all.  At this point, Peter would probably give up the plan, but he is interrupted by......

Whew!  I'm so anxious to get on with the story that I don't have time to look at any dicks.  Well, maybe one.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 3.7: The handsome man, queerbaiting, misdirection, tied-up guys, and me yelling "What the f*k!" a lot

In Episode 3.6, we saw the aftermath of the Judy/BJ and Kelvin/Keefe breakups, with failed reconciliation attempts, a fist fight, and both Kelvin and Judy quitting their jobs at the church.  In this episode, things get even worse.

Title: "Burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe."  Exodus 21:25. Fans argued like mad about trying to connect the burn/wound/stripe to the personalities or kidnapping strategies of the Gemstone siblings, but it's a misdirection. The previous verse has the more familiar "eye for eye, tooth for tooth." It just means that the punishment should fit the crime.

Burn for burn and all that:  During the evening of the day of the Aimee-Leigh Hologram debacle, the BJ-Stephen penis fight, and probably the Kelvin-Keefe rocking chair fight, Judy goes to a drug store to buy pain medication for BJ.  On her way home, goons from Peter's militia crunch her car with the Redeemer and grab her. 

Misdirection alert: the trailer makes it look like she is the one crunching. 

Chuck Montgomery tries to trick Jesse, and when that doesn't work, the goons shoot him with a tranquilizer dart.  

Kelvin bangs on the door at Woodpecker's Carpentry, yelling: "Are there any woodworkers in there? I'm looking for Keefe Chambers!"  Now that he's no longer worried about his job at the church, he's free to reconcile with Keefe.    But it's long after hours; the building is dark and deserted. Why would anyone be inside?  Besides, Keefe told Kelvin where he was working; wouldn't he give him his new address and phone number, too?

Imagine if someone were inside: "See, my ex-boyfriend and I had this big fight, and he doesn't want me to have his new number, and I don't know where he's staying...I need to see him...no, I am not a stalker!"

Six militia men wearing scary masks surround Kelvin.  The trailer makes him look paralyzed with fear, but actually he is quite brave, trying to intimidate them and then defend himself.  They punch and hit him, and squirt a toxic liquid into his eyes -- which stings but has no long term effects.  Why does Kelvin need six guys to take him down?  Why does he get a more brutal kidnapping?  I don't know.

Screaming like a woman:  The three siblings are put in what everyone calls a chicken silo, although chickens are housed in coops.  They are tied to chairs, with pillowcases over their heads.  What for?  You don't need to be imprisoned and tied up both.

Fans uncomfortable with the idea of gay relationships noticed that Kelvin's pillowcase resembles the trans pride flag, thereby signaling that he is actually a transgender woman.  Doubtful: Jesse's depicts the cartoon character Maisie Mouse. 

Kelvin yells for help. Uncle Peter enters and asks if he is "screaming like a woman," maybe a dig at his gayness, but more likely because he considers any emotion "like a woman."   He explains that the militia is holding them for ransom.

The handsome man: When Keefe arrives for work the next morning, he sees Kelvin's car with the doors still open, checks the ground for signs of a struggle, and asks his coworkers, "Have you seen The Handsome Man?"  This makes no sense, as Kelvin only visited once, for a few minutes, and most of the carpenters weren't paying attention.

Cut to Amber and BJ noticing that their partners didn't come home last night. Next, Eli, at the office even though he's retired and should be fishing, receives a scary video of Kelvin crying and Judy and Jesse screaming in rage.  The gay one has a "sensitive" reaction. Peter gives the ransom demand.  

Eli goes home and confronts May-May: "Your sons have fucked me over."  She denies that she has anything to do with the kidnapping.

Back at the chicken silo, the siblings complain about the heat and the food, and bicker.  Shouldn't they be praying?  They're religious, right?

Cut to BJ, Amber, Gideon, and Eli discussing the kidnapping with Sheriff Brenda. They were kidnapped in town, so it should be the Rogers Police. Notice that Keefe is not there.  Why didn't Eli call him?  Because his number has changed, because they have broken up, or because he is just a friend, not a partner?

The Freemans arrive.  Tiffany has made dolls of the siblings --very quickly -- "for you to hug and kiss until they come home safe."  She gives the Kelvin doll to Eli.  Same question: Why doesn't she save it for Keefe? Because  they have broken up, or because they were never partners to begin with?

Geography problem: How did they get to Eli's house so fast?  Don't they live in Florida?  

The trailer made it seem like the militia sent the dolls, adding a hint of the paranormal that turned out to be a misdirection.  Still, they look like Gullah Island voodoo dolls: "You can hug and kiss them until your loved ones come home safe.  And if they ever stray, you can make their privates fall off." 

More queerbaiting after the break

Gemstones Episode 3.6: BJ swallows a lot, Keefe learns about hard wood, and Kelvin gets a girlfriend. With a nude boxer bonus

In the last episode (before the interlude), we saw the family shattered, with Judy/BJ and Kelvin/Keefe breaking up and the Montgomery boys plotting against Eli.  Now we're going to see life amid the ruins.

Title: "For Out of the Heart Come Evil Thoughts." Matthew 15:19: "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies." We don't need to match the Gemstone with the sin: they are all guilty of false witness, lying to others or to themselves.

How to Make Things Right: BJ didn't move out, after all,  but the two are barely speaking. Judy asks what she can do to make things right. He doesn't know.  She is despondent. Remember that in 2000, she worried that she would never find anyone who would love her.  It took 18 years, but she finally found someone, and now it's over.

Gay joke: "I swallow a lot, but this may be something I can't choke down."  You just need a little practice.  Ask Keefe for some pointers. 

The Montgomery Boys Leave:  At Eli's mansion, the Montgomerys thank the family for "straightening them out."   Kelvin suggests that it happened "when we dressed them up."  That sounds like a gay reference.  

Jesse says "They're ready to fuck": their next steps should be girlfriends,  intercourse, wives and kids, the whole heterosexual trajectory.  To start them out, he gives them his monster truck, the Redeemer.

 As they drive away, Kelvin takes off his "wedding ring."  If he leaves it off, the relationship will really be over.  He'll be single again.  He puts it back on.  But maybe he is thinking of a heterosexual trajectory of his own. 

Taryn is Back: We cut to Kelvin introducing Taryn, who we last saw at Keefe's "wieners and ice cream" party, as his new assistant youth pastor.  A kid asks about Keefe, and he gets all bitchy: "He is leaving to pursue other opportunities.  Not even sure why you keep bringing that up!" -- while fiddling with his wedding ring again.  He continues to fiddle -- and look despondent -- as Taryn leads the kids in a dance. 

Paying off the Scandal:  The siblings meet with Stephen, his wife, and their lawyer.  They want $500,000 for "damages and emotional distress," or the affair goes viral.  So it's like the blackmail over Jesse's sex-and-drugs party in Season 1, but this time there's no tape.  Judy could just deny that anything happened.  She could even sue him for slander.

Martin suggests paying the money, along with an apology.  Kelvin must be wondering: if it's worth $500,000 to keep an extramarital affair under wraps, how much damage would he cause the church by coming out  -- or being outed.  He doesn't like Taryn in that way -- he doesn't like women in that way -- but what choice does he have?  

After scenes where Baby Billy and Jesse discuss the hologram Aimee-Leigh idea, and BJ stalks Stephen, Kelvin tries to find out if the relationship is really over.

The First Reconciliation Attempt:  We find Keefe working at Woodpecker's Carpentry.  Wood-pecker, har har, the first of many phallic references in this scene.  His earring, necklaces, and rings are gone -- for safety, or to keep closeted?  

Suddenly Kelvin appears. Looking around nervously, Keefe asks "Brother Kelvin, what are you doing here?" Note that he uses formal titles to reaffirm that they have broken up: they are just pastor and parishioner.  No doubt he's worried that Kelvin will out him by referencing their relationship or just being flamboyant.  Kelvin does try his usual titty-tweak, but Keefe doesn't respond.  You're broken up!  You're not allowed to take liberties anymore!

Gay joke: "Master Bishop has taught me a lot in the ways of hard wood." Tell me more about your...um...hard wood.  The odd title "Master," not used for master carpeters, led some fans to speculate that he and Keefer were involved in a BDSM relationship. 

 Wait -- how long has he worked there?  Surely it's only been a few days since the breakup.

Kelvin asks "Have you found happiness?" An odd question. Why not just ask if he likes his new job.?  Keefe says that he has, but of course he's lying.  He's busy working on a reconciliation rocking chair.  He uses the  punching gesture that straight guys sometimes use to ward off physical contact: a bro-hug would be too painful.

Apparently Kelvin expected Keefe to be crying and miserable, lost without him, like in the Season 1 breakup.  Seeing that his ex is doing ok, he becomes bitchy, denigrating the carpentry job and declaring that he's having lots of fun with Taryn: "everybody loves her...no one misses you at all." The happiness facade fails: Keefe frowns and orders him to leave. 

We cut to Judy asking Eli for the bribe money. He exclaims "Can't you children figure out your lives?" and refuses.  

Then the Montgomery Boys zoom the Redeemer into Peter's new militia compound, claiming that they stole it.  But in Episode 2, he sent goons to kill them.  When did they start working for him again?

Don't Mention Cum: BJ bursts into tears while working at his Church Welcome Center job. Jesse and his crew sympathize: Stephen has cuckolded him, taken away his power.  He needs to fight the guy, "knock his dick in the dirt, show him who is the man."  

Crash! BJ complains that he broke his wrist on the punching bag.  "It was limp already," Jesse says: his first homophobic slur ever, again suggesting that Kelvin will have trouble coming out.  The family certainly knows, but they do not want the whole church to know. 

As BJ practices his trash-talk, Jesse tells him to: "Stay focused, don't talk about cum, and show him who the fuck you are."  Good advice for a first date.

After the Rain: At the youth group, Taryn is bouncing on the trampoline, while Kelvin looks on,  despondent.  Shouldn't the kids get a chance to play on it?  

Kelvin's turn: he bounces toward the ceiling, still looking despondent, while Nelson's "After the Rain" plays:

He never really loved you from the start.

The only thng he ever gave you was a broken heart.

Don't be afraid to lose what was never meant to be.

Only after the rain can you find true love again.

So Kelvin has to get over Keefe to find true love?  But there are no other gay guys around..just Taryn...uh-oh....  

Later, after the kids are gone, they are putting gym mats away.  Kelvin says that he was "working some stuff out" while somsersaulting. The staging suggests that he has worked out a way to stay in the closet by adopting a heterosexual facade.  The first step will be asking Taryn for a date.

 He's smiling, complimenting her, setting the scene.  They discuss how to get kids into physical fitness by making it fun, sort of like putting cheese on their broccoli so they'll eat it.  In a parallel, is he trying to use physical fitness to make a heterosexual relationship palatable?

But be careful, Kelv Baby.  In this universe, cheating on your true love is the worst sin imaginable.  It doesn't matter that Keefe broke up with you.  It doesn't matter that Taryn would save you from being outed.  If you stray, you will be punished. 

This is definitely the nadir of the Kelvin/Keefe relationship.  Even after seeing the entire season, knowing what is going to happen, I'm starting to get anxious.

But on the bright side, does anyone still doubt that they were a romantic couple?

Bonus: to reduce your anxiety, Gideon brought pizza.

The Second Reconciliation Attempt: After work, Kelvin and Taryn are putting away gym mats and flirting -- just ask her out, buddy.  It's ok to be bi.   Suddenly Keefe enters with a rocking chair carved with Kelvin's name on a tree. This is way too much for a "let's stay friends" gift: he is attempting a reconciliation. You're the one who left, dude. You could just ask to get back together.

He is not wearing a sexy outfit; actually he is sweaty and rather disheveled, as if he rushed over the moment he finished the chair.  

Why a rocking chair for an athletic 34-year old?  "This is true love: we'll be together forever."  I am reminded of Robert Browning's famous lines from "Rabbi ben Ezra": "Grow old with me -- the best is yet to be."  But viewers may be more familiar with John Lennon's version:

Grow old along with me. Two branches of one tree.

Face the setting sun when the day is done

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 3.5: Two gay boys, castration anxiety, a snake handler, and a bank robbery. With Ian Winningkoff and Braxton Alexander

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Gemstones Episode 3.4: Wieners, betrayals, a burning a-hole, and Kelvin at his jerkiest. With nude Steve Zahn bonus.

 

Title: "I Am Come Not to Bring Peace But a Sword." A famous quote from Jesus in Matthew 10:34.  Things are going to get dark. 

Some premium fuck dolls:  Keefe and Taryn are leading a Teen and Parents Together "ice cream and wieners" party.  Keefe has apparently never done any ministry without Kelvin, so he is very nervous.  He is not wearing his "wedding ring," maybe worried that it would out him.

The background song is about your lover finding someone new, but:

I say it's misinterpretation, a case of your infatuation
I know it's me who's on your mind,  I know you're only killing time
You'll be back eventually, you'll be back permanently.  You're still in love with me.

Wait -- has Keefe broken up with Kelvin to date Taryn?  Or is this a precursor of another break-up, coming later?

The parents point out that they know very little about Keefe, even though he is a youth minister, in charge of nurturing their children.   Before Keefe has a chance to answer any questions, Biker Clarence, the owner of the store that he bought out, drops by to praise him for buying "every last butt buzzer I had in stock!"   He invites Keefe to check out the new merchandise coming in: "We got some premium fuck dolls!"  Inappropriate, dude! You're in an ice cream shop. Don't you notice the kids around? 

Top photo: Biker Clarence is played by George Paez, who doesn't have any nude photos online, so I substituted Steve Zahn in Saving Silverman

Taryn and Keefe assure the parents that "it's not what you think."  That is, Keefe isn't actually gay, he bought the toys for a project "we did with your kids."  Even worse!  But didn't the parents know about Smut Busters?  You have to get permission slips every time you take the kids off church property.

The boys at the Citadel: Next, Jesse and Amber complain to their teenage son Pontius that he has too many tattoos,  he shouldn't be having sex with his girlfriend, and he's been rejected by every college he applied to.Come on, he's a world-famous Gemstone.  Christian colleges will fight to get him in.  

Jesse wants to send him to the Citadel, the South Carolina military college: the boys there "would split your ass like a pair of damn Chinese chopsticks." He means that the boys would harass Pontius, but the threat of anal sex hangs in the air.

Sunday morning: after  "getting ready for church" scenes, the Gemstones and Montgomerys walk down a hallway the Salvation Center. The shots in the trailer caused considerable fan speculation: why do Kelvin and Keefe look so angry?  I still don't know.

Loud and Proud:  We see the beginning of the service, a Christian rock number, with May-May disapproving and Cousin Karl loving it.  Then it's time for the family dinner at Jason's Steakhouse, and a practically endless series of queer codes.  Interesting that the guys start being obviously a couple immediately after the Cousin's Night romantic interlude.

May-May disapproves of her sons' silk suits: too shiny, "like a lady's neglige.  A little loud and proud for me."  In other words, they make the boys look gay.  Jesse yells at her for "talking trash." Implying that someone is gay constitutes "talking trash"? That's homophobic, dude.

Judy defends the boys from the "accusation," saying that they are attractive to women. So you turn gay because you can't find a woman?  Laying on the homophobia, aren't we?

As he listens to his family's homophobic banter, Kelvin looks like he's about to cry.   And Keefe -- that's the look your boyfriend gets at Thanksgiving Dinner, when your parents told you to not "cause a scene" by coming out, and then Uncle Bob starts complaining about "fags taking over." Cavalero got it exactly right.

.

Holding Hands under the Table:  Peter Montgomery -- Steve Zahn -- enters, announces that he has a new militia compound "on a farm," and invites his sons to join him.  They refuse, so he circles the table, threatening that retribution is coming.  

As he circles, Keefe moves his right hand under the table.  Then Kelvin moves his left hand under the table. These are not random acts:  Boyfriends who are scared (and closeted) would look for reassurance by holding hands.

Their hands stay under the table until Peter threatens Judy, and Eli steps in, telling him to leave or he'll be shot.  Everyone in the family except Gideon, Kelvin, and Keefe pulls out a gun.  A gun expert on the fan board pointed out that only Amber and BJ are holding them properly.  

Then Kelvin,  frightened (of his family's guns?), says something indecipherable to Keefe, who moves his hand back to the table top and makes a finger-gun.  Kelvin looks around for a weapon, and brandishes a fork.  His left hand is still under the table, and stays there, holding Keefe, until Peter circles the table again.  

Now the "wedding rings" are fully visible, matching men's silver wedding bands with black diamond inlay (the real thing sells for over $4000),  on the ring finger of Kelvin's left and Keefe's right hand.  

They will be emphasized several times during the season, especially when Kelvin is thinking about or talking about Keefe.  They are symbols of the relationship, which means that the guys exchanged them deliberately.  They have a permanent commitment.  Kelvin can't say that they are lovers, but he can show it.

For a little while, anyway.

It makes my a-hole burn: The backlash to the ice cream-and-wieners party begins when Kelvin finds a letter in the Teen Time suggestion box: "Keefe is weird. I am not comfortable with him around kids." Is "weird" being used as a euphemism for "gay" again?

He yells at Keefe for messing up: "You had one job! It's your only responsibility."  Dude is missing the point entirely.  He should be concerned with defending Keefe's character.

He wants to know what went wrong.  Keefe explains that the porno shop owner "outed me in front of the parents."  Not outing him as a participant in the Smut Busters: that wasn't a secret.  Bike Clarence made it sound like Keefe bought the butt buzzers and fuck dolls for himself, thus "outing" him as gay. 

Well, did Keefe explain that he bought the toys on church business?  He tried, but he couldn't really articulate how buying sex toys helped the church.  Kelvin gets even more angry; Keefe's inability to handle this incident without outing himself -- and by implication, both of them -- suggests that he is not qualified to be assistant youth pastor.  So, are you going to fire him, or what?

What about the parents' concerns? "This kind of talk makes my a-hole burn."  Keefe responds: "I hate to think that I'm responsible for your a-hole burning."

I have never heard anyone use that expression to mean angry or upset, nor can I find it online.  It's quite likely that Kelvin's real a-hole is burning: remember that he just stopped withholding anal sex. If your partner is too big or too enthusiastic, as he is bound to be after a drought, he can create tiny tears, resulting in rectal burning and itching.  In Season 1, Kelvin's a-hole burned  after a similar experience, tied into his guilt over being gay  Now it's the possibility of being outed, and its impact on his career, that burns him. Will he be backing away from the erotic again, to maintain the illusion that he and Keefe are just good buddies?

Sip and Paint: A scene of Kelvin/Keefe problems will inevitably be paired with BJ/Judy problems.  They are on another date night, at a sip-and-paint studio. Why do they get so many dates, when Kelvin/Keefe get none?  

Someone sends BJ a dick pic!  He wants to email the guy to explain the mistake, because "some lucky gal's missing out on that glorious cock shot."  Did you forget that gay men exist, Buddy?  I'm sure your brothers-in-law would enjoy looking at a glorious cock.  Uh-oh, Judy realizes that Stephen, the guy she had the affair with, sent it on purpose to big-dick her husband!

The White Slap: Next, Jesse gets is initiated into the Cape and Pistol Society, for the elite of evangelical ministers. He sparrs with rival Vance Simkins, and uses so many cuss words that he's sentenced to a "white slap" -- literally being slapped by someone wearing a scary white mask. 

Then Baby Billy confronts him: "You are so hell-bent on running this church the way your daddy did, but you ain't your daddy." This line in the trailer led to widespread speculation that Eli had died, but it was just a misdirection.  Then Baby Billy suggests that a performance by Aimee-Leigh, Eli's dead wife and a famous gospel singer, would get some butts into the seats.  But how can she perform? 

Probably there are videos of her singing at the Grand Ole Opry or something. Baby Billy may explain, but who's paying attention?  Viewers are pushing the fast-forward button, anxious to see what happens with Kelvin and Keefe.

Rumors Swirling:  At the church food court -- notice the booths for Fancy Nancy's Chicken, Jason's Steakhouse, and "Wok on the Water" --  Kelvin, in virginal white instead of his usual green to emphasize his purity, listens to parental concerns about Keefe.  

"We do not feel safe with the assistant youth pastor. We heard he's a devil worshipper" and "I don't want him influencing our children."  

The most obvious conclusion from the sex toys debacle would be that Keefe bought them for pedophile grooming, but no one accuses Keefe of child molestation.  You don't say that a pedophile is a bad influence, you say that he is a danger. They think that Keefe is gay.  

This is Kelvin's chance to exonerate Keefe by coming clean: "Buying the sex toys was all my idea. I thought it would be a good teen project.  Keefe was just following my orders."  But instead he throws the guy under the bus in order to stay closeted: "I vouch for him.  He is one of my closest personal friends. He is my dude."  

A parent (Nick Arapoglou,  left) responds: "With all the rumors swirling about you, can't you see how strange this all looks?"

"There's rumors swirling about me?" Kelvin asks, shocked.  He thought that he was adequately closeted, and maybe he was -- Evangelicals often have trouble conceiving of a Man of God being "that way," so they may have let his feminine mannerisms and lack of interest in women slide.  But with Keefe outed, the rumors are bound to swirl. If Kelvin is outed as well,  his career as a youth pastor...as a pastor of any sort...as a Gemstone...

"Remove him, or we remove our kids." a parent demands. 

Kelvin literally runs away. 

It gets worse after the break