Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.6, Continued: Cobb smashes, Corey lies, and Kelvin is traumatized for life. With Mongolian men and Jace's junk
Title: "For jealousy is the rage of a man," Proverbs 6:34, KJV.
Title: "Interlude IV." The Interlude is usually Episode 5, but this season started with a stand-alone, so it's Episode 6. We're halfway through the action in the present day, with Kelvin's meltdown, Judy's jealousy over the monkey, and Eli and Lori dealing with violence.
The New Parking Lot: 2002. Eli is standing before the County Zoning Board, discussing his plan to build a 10-acre parking lot at the Salvation Center, which would involve buying and demolishing neighboring houses. He claims that it will bring thousands of people to town, who will spend money, so it's a "win-win" situation. Aimee-Leigh points out that they're also bringing in jobs. The townsfolk growl and complain. So am I. Zoning restrictions? How boring can you get?
The council president yells: "You may be able to buy out desperate people, Dr. Gemstone, but that doesn't make it right!" She notes that the county board usually rubber-stamps their crazy plans, but not this time: "The crowd of people behind you is voiceless, and someone has to be their voice!"
The plan is rejected, and the couple leaves in defeat. Aimee-Leigh wonders why they're even doing this ministry stuff.
Eli: "For the lake house." That is, for the money. Um...serving God? Spreading the Gospel? Helping people?
They walk out into a huge demonstration. Someone shoves pies in their faces.
Writers: This sequence has no connection to the plot. In Season 3, the Y2K scandal caused Peter's meltdown and enmity toward the Gemstones, but Cobb's enmity has nothing to do with the new parking lot.
Meanwhile, on a raft-slide, Young Judy and Jesse laugh at Cobb, which upsets his son, Young Corey.
Young Kelvin defends him, pointing out that at least Cobb is trying, whereas Jesse spends all his time "being bad, having sex." This has resulted in Amber getting pregnant. The enraged Jesse tries to attack, but Corey stops him.
A New Album: While Lori and Aimee-Leigh watch their husband in the water, posturing to see who will become the Silverback, they advise the very pregnant Amber that she should go inside and take a nap. She refuses, so they discuss how much they dislike their kids until Amber gets tired of it and leaves.
Then they discuss recording a new album; they haven't recorded together in years, so it will be nostalgic.
More after the break
Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Jesse jealous, and Kelvin scared. Plus a Big Dick and a play within a play
Keefe decides on the next best thing: dress-me-ups. He puts on one of Aimee-Leigh's dresses, her wig, her glasses, and some makeup (wait -- where did he get makeup?), goes to Eli's room, and tries to haunt him: "I'm the ghost of your dead wife. Break up with Lori."
Eli doesn't respond, so Keefe crawls on top of him and starts singing Aimee-Leigh's signature song, "Misbehavin'"
Suddenly Eli and Lori awaken; everyone screams. Keefe rushes out and falls down the staircase into the parlor whereupon the Nanny, thinking that he is an intruder, pulverizes him.
"Who are you?" she shouts.
First he consorted with Hot Stuff, the Little Devil, and now he's Casper the Friendly Ghost.
More after the break
Welcome to Galilee Gulch. Baby Billy water-skiing naked, extensive shots of his dong and butt that made some viewers mad. "Why we got to see that? Why can't we see Amber's stuff? Every man on Earth, without exception, loves looking at breasts!" Um...you've heard about gay men, right?
Then the Gemstones and Milsaps arrive at Galilee Gulch, a huge "lake house" on Lake Marion, about an hour north of Charleston. Coincidentally, the house where they filmed is owned by a gay couple.
The Breakup Plan: Uncle Baby Billy disapproves of the Eli-Lori relationship -- we aren't told why, but maybe he knows something from Lori's past -- and pushes the siblings into a plan to break them up. The siblings point out that they arranged this weekend retreat because the lake house is full of Aimee-Leigh's things, and will certainly cause Eli to feel guilty about "abandoning Mama." Maybe they can push things along.
They tell the staff to leave Aimee-Leigh's clothes in Eli's bedroom. Angry, he calls "the help" and has them all moved into Kelvin and Keefe's room.
Kelvin is pretending to read the complete works of William Shakespeare. Another clue that we're in the middle of Hamlet.
To refresh your memory: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, uses a "play within a play" to reveal that his mother and uncle, Gertrude and Claudius, murdered his father the King and stole his throne. He kills his trusted advisor; his girlfriend commits suicide; Gertrude is poisoned; he kills Claudius, then dies himself. "The rest is silence."
The New Nanny: Baby Billy is being nasty to his wife and children ("Get them out of here!"), and expresses his hatred for the butch Germanic nanny, Sola (Kirsten Schultze). So why not fire her?
Jesse is treating Gideon as a romantic partner who is cheating on him. That is not really happening, of course, but it is heavily implied that Gideon is gay, for the first time since Season 1. There are queer codes about Pontius and Abraham, too. It's starting to look like Jesse has three gay sons.
Corey apologizes for his reaction to Eli/Lori, and brings in 100 pounds of barbecued pork.
More after the break.
Title: "To Grieve Like the Rest of Men Who Have No Hope," 1 Thessalonians 4.13. Paul is telling his followers not to grieve "like men who have no hope," since they will see their loved ones again in heaven.
Kelvin Screams: 2002. During a thunderstorm, an intruder breaks into the house, smashes a photo of Eli and Aimee-Leigh and some other memorabilia, and takes the gold-plated Bible from the Civil War. Close up of a destroyed framed magazine cover promising "Hot Gossip" and featuring Brendan Fraser.
He lifts up the bed to find a hiding 12-year old Kelvin, who screams. Notice the enclosed space. They will appear often in the episode, giving the viewer a sense of disquiet. The family is trapped.
1. Keefe now has a nipple ring.
2. He is into water sports.
3. He has just, in effect, had sex with the Devil.
4. The Gemstones aren't safe. There's a devil among them.
More after the break
Baby Billy's Dong: In the dressing room, the siblings refuse to continue with the jetpack bit, but Baby Billy insists: this is too important. So he's in charge now? And where the heck is Eli? Somewhere in Florida. He won't answer their phone calls.
Eli Hooks Up: Somewhere in Florida (actually the Keys), a grotesque long-haired Eli awakens on his boat, Nice Mussels, and cooks eggs for the lady he "69ed for 45 minutes" last night. She wants more of his "thick breakfast sausage" instead, but he explains that he is not ready for a relationship. He's still trying to figure out what he wants. Dude, you're 73. Better hurry. Besides, "I don't like you."
She rushes off, but Eli struts down the dock, smoking a cigar, cruising the ladies. Easter Egg: he has a cap from Adams College, a call-back to "Revenge of the Nerds"
He refuses to go to the telethon. The siblings annoy him by saying "p*ssy" over and over, and making the tongue-through-fingers gesture, until he consents. How does Kelvin know about that?
Time to set up the sibling conflicts for the season:
It turns out that pole dancing is a competitive sport, with men and women participants.
Loud and Proud after the break
(I revised this story to get the Christmas Carol references right, and include a picture of Karl's cock.)
Cousin Karl nodded.
Vance paused to wonder again what the heck was happening. What was he -- the former head of a megachurch empire based on "old fashioned Christian morality" -- doing at a Queer Youth Game Night?
With his arch-nemesis Jesse...ugh...Gemstone?
Teaching his Cousin Karl to play chess while gazing at his massive biceps and wondering if he was big everywhere?
“This piece is called a bishop," he continued, trying to stop imagining Cousin Karl's dick.
“Well, I’ll be…now that you mentioned it, I can’t see it any other way! But it’s supposed to be bishop’s hat, like Catholic bishops, right? He moves diagonally.”
“So the Catholic guy can’t be straight? He must be gay.”
Vance laughed.
March 10, 2025: The Round-Table Discussion of Candidates for the Top Christ Following Man
The question is "Should public schools teach a class in world religions?," but Kelvin interrupts to brag about his Prism ministry. Vance seizes the opportunity to complain about a "homosexual" being nominated: "God's Word is clear on this issue."
Kelvin gets all flustered and starts blustering about the Levitical Code.
Vance isn't stupid. He knows that it's not fair to latch onto one verse from the Code and ignore the others -- and that one verse wasn't even about modern homosexuals -- gays -- it was about temple prostitution. He knows that only a few Evangelicals think that God hates gays. None of the preachers in the Cape and Pistol Society think so. But he continues to dig at Kelvin, and when the boy wins the Top Christ Following Man award anyway, he screams about "homosexuals in our midst" on national tv.
"The Queen and King can move in any direction," Vance continued, "But the Queen can go as far as she wants, and the King can only move one space."
"I get it," Karl said, grinning. "Queens are the biggest and baddest of the pieces. I guess that makes me a Queen."
Vance. laughed. "You're bigger than anybody I've ever seen. But not bad. I think you're really nice."
Karl looked down at his hands. "Thank-ee."
As usual, Vance is trying to dig at Jesse Gemstone. The infuriating braggart thinks he's a much better preacher, but actually he's more successful because he comes from the Baptist tradition, and Vance is Wesleyan -- God requires perfection, no sins in thought, word, or deed. No alcohol, no movies, no dances, no eating out on the Sabbath, no rock music, no secular literature, just the Word of God. No wonder Jesse's laissez-faire "God loves you no matter what" fills the pews at the Salvation Center, and draws millions of views on their streaming service.
Jesse's brother-in-law BJ was injured while pole-dancing -- disgusting! -- so Vance implies that he is gay, and asks "How many homosexuals in your family?" "Two," Jesse answers.
Vance wondered who Jesse meant: his brother Kelvin and...Cousin Karl? No, he probably meant his son Pontius. Tonight Vance dropped by Jesse's house to taunt him a bit, and heard that Pontius and his boyfriend Stacy (yes, a boyfriend) were going to Queer Youth Game Night at Kelvin's house. They assured him that it was just board games, but he imagined cocks pushing through glory holes and guys in slings being gang-banged, so Jesse offered to bring him over to observe.
Vance was only trying to be friendly when saw an unoccupied chess set and offered to teach Cousin Karl to play. And when he rubbed his leg against Cousin Karl's under the table.
"Ok, now the Knight, this horse-shaped piece, moves two squares vertical or horizontal, then one square perpendicular. Let me show you." He moved his Queen's Knight to C5. "It can also jump over other pieces, like that pawn, for instance."
"Sounds complicated."
"Well, anytime you do something that people aren't expecting, they're going to be confused. They may even get angry. But that's the place where you can be an individual, show them who you really are." He reached over and squeezed Karl's hand.
Karl turned to face him -- he was taller than Abraham, even sitting down! "How did it go?"
Left: Cousin Karl and Abraham from a few years ago.
"Like nothing. Like it was not a big deal at all." He fell against Karl's chest and hugged him.
"Your Daddy loves you," Karl said. "He doesn't care who you go out with."
"After what happened with Pontius, I was really worried. Hey, I gotta go tell Pontius and Stacy! See ya!" He rushed off.
"That boy is lucky!" Vance exclaimed. "You don't see many parents who are so accepting, especially when they have two gay kids."
"Three. I think Gideon is gay, too. He never says anything, but I never said anything to my Mama and Daddy, either. They just kind of figured it out when I started bringing boys around." He paused. "What about your folks, Rev. Simkins...I mean, Vance?"
The boy thought he was gay! Vance started to say "I'm just an ally," but then he figured that coming out as straight would decrease his likelihood of getting Karl's cock down his throat later. "I never really said anything to my parents, either."
More after the break
Scene 1: A small country church in Virginia, 1862. Pastor Adam Grieves (Josh McDermitt) preaches and takes an offering. After the service, rogue Elijah Gemstone (Bradley Cooper) shoots him and steals the offering money and his gold-plated Bible (this will be important later).
Uh-oh, before he can escape, Confederate troops arrive at the church and, mistaking him for the pastor, announce that he's been drafted to be chaplain for their division, heading to Fredericksburg. It pays $50 per month ($2000 in today's money), plus room and board.
Overjoyed, Elijah asks for a moment to gather his things. He changes clothes with Pastor Grieves, bashes his face in so no one will recognize him, and writes a note: "This is the body of a crook who tried to rob me. He was handsome. His name was Elijah Gemstone." He was handsome? Got yourself some same-sex desire going on, buddy?
Captain Cane (Jim Cummings) approaches Elijah with the rumor that he was gambling and drinking with the guys last night, inappropriate behavior for a Man of God. He denies it, and further threatens the Captain with hellfire for spreading rumors.Does this remind you of Jesse's sex-and-drugs party from Season 1?
Cut to night, with Elijah is drinking and gambling with the guys.
Scene 4: Time to preach the Sunday sermon. Elijah can't do it, so he just says "God doesn't expect us to be perfect. We make mistakes, but we're trying to be good, and that's good enough." In Baptist theology, you don't need to try: once you are saved, you are incapable of committing new sins. But Elijah doesn't know that.
Cut to more drinking and gambling, followed by trying to avoid praying with another dying soldier, Winston (Jackson Kelly). This one is worried that he won't go to heaven, because he's killed people, but Elijah assures him that God has made an exception on his "Thou shalt not kill" policy for soldiers who are forced to fight.
His cover blown, Elijah attacks, but Ned just wants to partner with him: Major McFall (James Landry Hebert) is coming to camp tomorrow. He's starting a card game, and he is loaded. They could take him.
Cut to the card game. They take him. Then, worried that he will say something, Elijah kills Ned and stuffs his body in one of the coffins. And now he's Judy
More after the break
Kelvin has a standard fiction coming-out process, one that we've seen a hundred times in movies and tv-shows.
Season 1: Falling in love with his best friend, sexual experiences, feeling guilty, denial, then recognizing that he is gay.
Season 2: Becoming obsessed with the erotic, refusisng to admit that he and Keefe are romantic partners, eventually coming around and coming out to the family.
Season 3: Trying hard to stay in the closet, refusing to call Keefe his boyfriend, leading to their breakup and reconciliation, and a kiss.
The problem is, up to the Season 3 kiss and even after, many viewers insisted that the two were straight buddies. The queer codes were all misdirections or misreadings.
Which brings us to Season 2, Episode 6: Kelvin is standing naked in front of the mirror; distraught: he has lost the respect of the God Squad, his cadre of muscle men; his father hates him; he is worthless, nothing, no better than a beast. Keefe suggests that he will feel better if he gets dressed for the day. His hands are broken, so Keefe will have to dress him.
What happens next is about as explicit as a sex scene can get on television, yet some viewers insisted, that Keefe is just helping Kelvin on with his underwear. Even after Season 4, when they two are out as boyfriends and eventually get married, viewers insist that they were not sexually active until the after the wedding.
Maybe a frame-by-frame analysis will convince them.