Justin Ellings: Kyle from the awful clown episode of "Modern Family" plays Corey Haim and Sean Giambrone, shows his physique and his d*ck

 

In Modern Family Episode 11.1 (2019), high school vice principal Cam invites a group of "wayward teens" to his house to gain their trust by being the "cool mentor."  Things go wrong when his beloved, awful clown figurine goes missing, and he accuses them of stealing it, horrifying the viewers and his husband Mitchell with his increasingly vituperative insults: "You're trash! You're garbage!  Everyone has given up on you!"   Finally Mitchell can't stand it anymore, and announces that they are innocent: he threw out the figurine because it was incredibly ugly.  

Then Cam comes clean -- the kids are actually the high school drama club, playing wayward teens to force Mitchell to confess.  

I'm not happy with the plotline.  Seeing Cam lash out was rough.  And why would  you destroy something that your husband valued?  Something that was on prominent display in the living room?  But it was worth it to see drama club member Kyle, played by Justin Ellings.

19 years old when he filmed the episode.

A Short Guy, 5'6"  Forget the five feet; tell me more about the six inches. 

Endless beefcake photos on his Instagram and Facebook pages. 

Including one where he squirts.

Interestingly, Justin's official website shows a map of his location (so you can stalk him?).  He's on Cahuenga just north of Lexington, near my old gym in West Hollywood.  Cue the nostalgic reminiscences of my years in the gay mecca.

Justin grew up in Milwaukee, where he starred in The Music Man (2011) and The Sound of Music (2012) at the Skylight Opera Theatre Center.  He graduated from Arrowhead High School at age 16, then moved to L.A. to pursue his acting career.

His first major acting role was on the Nickelodeon teencom Sam & Cat (2013): he played Jarvis, one of the kids that the former ICarly star and her girlfriend babysit.  According to the fan wiki, Jarvis is gay.

I doubt that a Nickelodeon show would have a canonical gay character, but even if it was subtext, it's a great beginning.  Unfortunately, Justin's characters in other tv programs, on Girl Meets World (2015). Game Shakers (2017), American Housewife (2018), and Wandavision (2021), don't appear in the plot synopses. 

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Justin is primarily interested in stunt work.  He has 33 stunting credits listed on the IMDB, including episodes of The Middle, Young Sheldon, 13 Reasons Why (where he was presumably Miles Heizer's butt double), 9-1-1, Stranger Things, and The Fabelmans.

 He was Sean Giambrone's stunt double on 19 episodes of The Goldbergs.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit

Gemstones Episode 1.3: Kelvin outs himself, Baby Billy gets naked, and Scotty shoves his wiener into Gideon's face.. With some bonus wieners.

In Episode 2, we saw problems in the developing Kelvin/Keefe and Judy/BJ relationships: Kelvin is too hesitant, and BJ too eager.  But the main takeaway was Gideon: Jesse's estranged son is one of the blackmailers!  Episode 3 will develop the Gideon/Scotty plot arc further, postponing Kelvin/Keefe to their centric episode, "Wicked Lips."  But first we need Kelvin to out himself a few times.

Title: "They are weak, but He is strong."  From "Jesus Loves Me," a hymn by Anna Bartlett Warner published in 1862, but based on 2 Corinthians 12:10, NIV: "When I am weak, then I am strong."  You can't get much weaker than these guys.

Baby Billy's Cock:  The childhood home of Eli's late wife, famous Gospel singer Aimee-Leigh. A poster advertises the "Sing for Joy" concert tour, featuring the Freeman's Gap duo, Aimee-Leigh and Baby Billy.  Two children on the cover of a single album, "Misbehavin'."  They must have been a brother-sister act as children, before Aimee-Leigh became a serious gospel singer.  A young woman yells that Baby Billy's hot milk is ready; she brings it to him as he bathes outside.

We see the back of his head -- now white-haired -- as he describes the satellite church his brother-in-law Eli is giving him -- "in the middle of everything -- fun chain restaurants, name-brand clothing stores."  We see his face -- fans of Danny McBride's work will recognize him as Walton Goggins of Vice Principals in old-age makeup. 

He stands -- a huge cock fills the screen!  Objectively it's not very big, but we've never seen a close-up of a cock in any tv show before, and rarely anything at all, so it is startling and highly erotic, underscoring that Baby Billy is a creature of prodigious sexual appetite. 

Although Walton Goggins has been nude on camera before, in this case they hired a stunt cock belonging to an unidentified 80-year old man from town,  

Trivia note: Baby Billy is actually 66 or 67 in this scene, and Walton Goggins is 51.  

Baby Billy promises Tiffany, his new wife -- Number Four, plus a number of boyfriends -- a world of "riches and glamour" with the Gemstones. 

Eyes on the Prize: Gideon meditates on the Tao te Ching as the family prepares for church: "Eyes on the prize. To the still mind, the entire universe surrenders."   He's actually quoting the Tao te Ching wrong.

On the way to the Salvation Center, his brothers ask about the celebrities he met in Hollywood.  Well, Vin Diesel (left). Jesse tries to one-up him by claiming to have met Telly Savalas, star of Kojak (1973-78). Jesse was not born until 1981, so he couldn't have watched in real time.

The Satellite Church: Judy, BJ, and Kelvin are scoping out the dying shopping mall where they opened the satellite church: "All around America, capitalism is dying," Kelvin points out. "That's when we step in."  He will never display this insightful knowledge of economics, or anything other than muscles, again.  

Queer code: First Kelvin does a little femme flutter and hand-on-waist.  Then a hot girl walks past: an opportunity for him to demonstrate that he is heterosexual with a double-take?  No,he  looks the other way. 

Baby Billy is greeting the congregants in front of gigantic photos of himself and Kelvin.  Why Kelvin, in particular?  Maybe to indicate that they're both outsiders, struggling to be taken seriously by the family.  Or because they both have huge cocks.

As Baby Billy begins the service, the siblings watch from offstage.  Gideon tunes up his guitar.  Judy comments that he's "looking tasty. Staying in shape." Kelvin agrees; "He is. That's showbiz, right?  You to to keep a tight physique."  You just outed yourself to your sister, Kelv Baby.

Jesse disagrees: lots of people who work behind the scenes are "fat as fuck,."  But, Kelvin insists, if you want to be a star, you have to be a "specimen...a straight unit." According to the Urban Dictionary, a "straight unit" is a guy who is tall, strong, muscular, and well-hung. How much farther out can Kelvin get?

Afterwards the siblings meet Tiffany.  They disapprove of her countrified lack of refinement, her teeth, and her insistance that they call her Aunt Tiffany, even though she is younger than 

My Wiener in Your Face:  That night, while Jesse and Amber discuss whether Gideon is Saul or Paul (before or after finding Jesus), Gideon answers the question for us: he goes through his parents' stuff, looking up the value of things he could steal and sell, now that the blackmail plot has fallen through.  Their nightstand, for instance, cost $2700.

Meanwhile, at the campground where Scotty is staying, he stumbles out of the van and urinates in front of everyone. A guy protests "Don't nobody want to see that penis!" Scotty counters: "Then quit lookin' at it."  A reference to Scotty liking guys to appreciate his penis?

Gideon brings him the list of stuff to steal, but Scottyy tears it up: he doesn't want furniture and jewelry, he wants money. He begins to erupt, but Gideon assures him: "I can get it, but my parents don't trust me yet. Be patient."

To demonstrate how unhinged he is, Scotty puts a cigarette out on his tongue and waves a wiener on a wire in front of Gideon's face. This is, of course, a symbolic threat of sexual assault.

Jesse Discovers Who Did It: Kelvin is singing to his siblings and the crew: Jesse  notes that "Music has always calmed my vicious temper."  Gregory wants to give them all coins to memorialze their bond, but they point out that "We did it!" sounds like a confession of guilt.  I still don't understand what Kelvin did.

Next, Jesse annoucnes that he has discovered the identity of the third blackmailer; slender frame walks with a swagger, used to being on stage, and very close to him. Sounds like Gideon, right? 

Nope, it's Levi (lead guitarist in the Gemstone rock band).  Jesse threatens him with a knife. Kelvin is horrified, but Judy loves it: "Put it in his bottom!", another sexual assault.   Why doesn't Kelvin intervene?  He seems to have trouble speaking up when he sees his siblings doing something awful.  

Jesse finally decides that Levi is innocent and "forgives" him.   He runs out, yelling: "That's too far.  You play too much."  .One expects him to break up with Jesse and the crew, but he sticks around as if nothing life-threatening has happened.

  

I feel bad about pretending that "wiener" meant penis instead of "hot dog" to drive up pageviews, so here are some real wiener-dicks.

One of my favorites, but taken from the internet, so I don't know who he is.

Military dick.

More after the break

Shayne Topp: Nickelodeon teen, Barry's buddy, bodybuilder, sketch comedian who pretends to be gay and have a massive d*ck. We'll see.

 

The Goldbergs (2017-23) was a nostalgic look at showrunner Adam F. Goldberg's childhood experiences in the 1980s, with Sean Giambrone (here being murdered in the shower) as a stand-in for Adam.  I wasn't a fan: most of the experiences involved attempts to meet, impress, or win The Girl of His Dreams.  But it aired in the same block with Speechless and Modern Family, in the days before we went to all-streaming services, so we had no choice but to watch.  

I liked Adam's older brother Barry (Troy Gentile), a muscular wrestler, and in Season 2, the gay-vague hippie-chill Matt (Shayne Topp), who struggles become his friend and join the Jenkintown Posse.  As far as I remember, he never displayed any heterosexual interest, and he had a queer-coded attraction to Barry.

Plus he was exceptionally cute,  and at 5'7", he was a member of the Short Guy Brigade.  Who could ask for anything more of actor Shayne Topp?

How about a muscular physique?

And other parts of interest.

Into tie-up games.

And a reader.

Born in 1991 in Florida, Shayne played the unrequited crush of a Yu'pik girl in Dear Lemon Lima (2009).  He was a regular in the teen variety show So Random (2011-12), and appeared in episodes of ICarly, Henry Danger, Sam & Cat, and Fred: The Show.  He also did some fashion and n*de modeling. But he is best known as a sketch comedian.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Nude photos of Joaquin Phoenix: Skip the downer movies and check out his junk. With bonus Marky Mark and Kieran Culkin

 

Everyone in Wilton Manors saw Igby Goes Down in 2002: the trailer and the title made it sound like a gay coming-out story with a lot of "going down," har har.  Actually there's no gay content at all.  Igby is a sarcastic 17 year old with an institutionalized stepfather and a dying mother (first rule of fiction: somebody always must be dying or dead).  He hooks up with his biological father's "heroin-addicted trophy mistress" and her "terminally bored" friend before euthanizing his mom and getting the heck out of Dodge.

Imagine sitting in the theater expecting a lot of gay sex, and seeing...this.  We were so disgusted that we vowed to never see anything else that the actor appeared in.  20 years later, I didn't even remember his name.

Until I saw this nude photo from Edgerton (2025).  During the COVID pandemic, small-town sheriff Joe Cross disapproves of the mayor's mask edict, so he runs against him, then kills him and his Black-Lives-Matter son, and is eventually killed himself.  

I recognized him as the star of Igby, Joaquin Phoenix, still churning out downer movies.  

Joaquin Phoenix is straight, with several girlfriends and a kid.  And apparently homophobic; he was scheduled to play a gay guy who flees to Mexico with his boyfriend, but "got cold feet" and backed out five days before filming was to begin.

But he has a big cock, so instead of a profile, I'll check to see where he's shown it off 

Beau is Afraid (2023): One of those surreal indie films with a nonsensical plot.  A lot of people die, including Beau's mother, his father, a girl he is having sex with, and eventually Beau himself. We get a blurry dotado as he is being traumatized by something or other.  

Napoleon (2023): The butt of the Emperor of France, who made vassal states of practically every country in Europe. And since this was the Age of Colonialism, practically every country in the world.  When he wasn't having "energetic sex" with his wife and mistresses.

A butt crack (not shown) in The Master (2012): World War II vet has problems, joins a cult, drops out, has sex with women. 

A backside in The Yards (2000): A union organizer goes to work for the Mob, kills some people, buddies with Mark Wahlberg, has sex with girls.  Of course his girlfriend dies.  

Bonus: Mark Wahlberg's backside.

Igby-style chest in Return to Paradise (1998): A tourist in Malaysia is arrested for hashish possession and sentenced to death, unless his friends turn themselves in. Vince Vaughn agrees, but Joaquin is executed anyway.

There are lots of movies where people don't die, buddy. 

Wait -- what happened to Igby?  From 2000 to 2003, Joaquin starred in The Yards, Gladiator, Signs, It's All About Love, Quills, and Brother Bear, but no Igby Goes Down.

Turns out that Igby was played by Kieran Culkin.  A natural mistake -- the guys looked alike in their youth, and they both prefer roles in downer movies, with lots of sex with girls and people dying, often at the same time. 

And both have big cocks.

But Kieran's career is a little more gay-positive.  He played the sassy roommate in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, and a human in love with Skyler Gisondo as a bat-alien on Solar Opposites.

See also:Solar Opposites Episode 4.9: Skyler Gisondo plays a muscular bat-alien with a human boyfriend, plus Thomas Middleditch penis

Richie Rich joins a gym. With bonus Rory and Kieran cocks, and Kelvin Gemstone Comics

Peter Billingsley: The lingerie lamp kid, a Beverly Hills brat, Whips, ropes, and perhaps Peter's peter

Gemstones Episode 1.2: Thai ladyboys, Italian shoes, Palestinian dicks, a rattle snake, and the Devil's testicle

Episode 1.2 continues the plot arc of Jesse confronting the blackmailers who have a video of his sex-and-drugs party. 

 

Title: "Is this the man who made the Earth tremble?" From Isaiah 14.15: Everyone is amazed at the fall of the King of Babylon. Here we're looking at the fall of Eli Gemstone.

The Ladyboys of Thailand:  The red van in the deserted parking lot.  The head blackmailer, Scotty, wearing a scary devil mask, is talking with his companions, a woman named Lucy and an unidentified man.  He dismisses the  misconception that Thailand is all about ladyboys "hanging out of windows with their cocks in their panties." But: Thailand also has great food, great beaches, "and we're going to be taller than everyone else." 

The ladyboys or kathoey of Thailand have male-coded sexual characteristics but present as feminine.  They were traditionally called a third gender, but with the globalization of Western LGBT identities, they are more likely today to identify as femme gay men or trans women.  Scotty's statement suggests that he is into ladyboys, but his companions are not, so he is trying to convince them that Thailand has other attractions, too.

The siblings arrive and drop the bags of money in front of the van.  Scotty gets out to pick it up and -- Jesse attacks!  Lucy, wearing a scary baby mask, shoots at them.  They jump back into their car and run over Scotty, and then Lucy, when she rushes to his aid. The third blackmailer takes off his mask: it's a young man played by Skyler Gisondo.  

The Young Man yells "Scotty!" and runs up and cuddles him like a lover!  They are obviously boyfriends.He helps Scotty up, and they carry Lucy to the van and drive away. 

Scotty thinks that Lucy is dead, so they try to throw the corpse down a hill.  But she's alive!

Did it really happen?:  The next day, the siblings return to the parking lot.  There is no evidence of the blackmailers.  Jesse suggests that it was never real to begin with, and Judy, "a spiritual test that we had to overcome."  Kelvin thinks it was real, but the others criticize him for "projecting negativity."  

The next order of business: how should they divvy up the money Judy stole from the church: give it all back (Kelvin) or give half back and split the rest (Jesse). Why do these people need money?  Aren't they, like, rich? Maybe Daddy controls everything, and gives them an allowance.

Suddenly Kelvin jumps out of the car.  Jesse scoffs that he wants to buy a new pair of 22s, custom shoes hand-crafted by Gabe Apodaca in Italy, keying into his gay-coded fashion obsession.  But he's actually noticed a security camera: they could get the van's license plate number!

Lucy has what Scotty needs: At the hospital, Scotty and the Young Man discuss what to tell Lucy about the hill  She's "all fucked up," but Scotty  wants to see her anyway, because she can make him cum. 

He waits for the Young Man to offer a blow job instead, but he doesn't. 

Psych!  Scotty isn't planning on sex after all: he puts her in a wheelchair, and exclaims "We're getting out of here.!"  (Butt shot: his hospital gown is open in the back) Why did Scotty tell the Young Man that he wanted sex with Lucy?  Apparently to make him jealous, but of who?  Lucy, Scotty, or both?

"Did you just blow a kiss at me?": Cut to Jesse discovering that his wife and kids are still in contact with the runaway Gideon.  They even have good news: he just got cast in a Netflix movie; "he's doing well in LA, following his dreams."  Pontius repeats "Hollywood" in a sultry voice, then blows Jesse a kiss, teasing that Gideon is gay.  

Jesse wants to know how they dare to contact him when he "snipped our nuts." Why is moving to California like castrating your father?  

 

The New Threat: Scotty, Lucy, and the Young Man are eating Chinese food at a cheap hotel.  But wasn't she on life support? The hard drive containing the video is ruined, and they don't have a backup. The blackmail plot has failed. Scotty and Lucy blame each other. 

We cut to Jesse forcing his crew to go into the Rimtyme, a real Charleston-area store that sells custom tires and rims, to get the security cam footage.  But the manager doesn't believe their made-up story, and they return empty-handed.  

They return, knock over tire displays, assault the manager, and steal the security machine.  

 We return to Gideon filming Scotty as he issues a new threat: "You can't kill the devil, son!" The blackmail price is now $2,000,000.  The others complain that he doesn't sound realistic.

The Young Man  and Lucy go out to smoke a cigarette and have a heart-to-heart. "This whole thing was my  idea," he announces. "Scotty may act like the leader, but he wouldn't have anything if it weren't for me."  So, he's the dominant one in the triad?  

 Lucy wants to know if they threw her down the hill.  He denies it, but she calls him a "pussy bitch."  hea's not the leader at all, he's Scotty's "bitch," sexually subservient. 

Matthew Touches Kelvin: Cut to church. Eli is preaching on what happens when you try to do things yourself, instead of relying on God: you fall prey to the snakes of the world.  This will become important later.  They may be disguised as a caring neighbor or trusted friend, but if you let them in, they will destroy you. 

Jesse and Judy, sitting in the congregation with their partners, excuse themselves and rush upstairs, where they meet with Kelvin and Jesse's crew.  We do not see Kelvin in the congregation.  Why not?  So he won't be shown sitting with Keefe, thus identifying them as partners in a parallel to Jesse/Amber and Judy/BJ?  

The security footage reveals that there are three blackmailers, and they drive a red van.  Kelvin suggest tracking them down with traffic cams.  Jesse likes this idea, and congratulates his "baby bro-bro."  Matthew gives him a bro-butt slap, but Kelvin recoils: "Don't touch me."  You don't like guys touching you, Kelv Baby?  What are you, straight?  Or is something else going on?

So, where will we get that traffic cam footage? "I know someone who can help."

Kelvin touches Keefe:  To find out who is blackmailing Jesse, Kelvin leads the siblings to the DMV, where Keefe works. He can use traffic cams to locate their vehicle.  "I could lose my job for this," he says, "But I'd do anything for you."  Kelvin touches his arm, and Keefe touches the place he touched.  This is where Tony Cavalero states that Keefe begins to fall in love.  In the last episode, you weren't sure about moving from friendship to romance with Kelvin.  Now you're ready to go? 

They clasp hands, and Kelvin gives him that "I'm desperate to kiss you" look.

Keefe continues:  "I'd even kill myself if you asked me to."  He apparently says this a lot, and Kelvin finds it embarrassing. The siblings scoff.  It is a very strange way to express gratitude to someone who brought you to Christ, signifying toxic dependency. Fortunately, Keefe never says it again.   

Compare with Keefe's  much more pro-active Season 3 statement that he is willing to give his life and his body to rescue Kelvin.

The Devil's Kiss:  The Young Man is exercising in the hotel room when Scotty bursts in, ready to attack him because the backup video is broken.  Lucy calls him out and admits to destroying it. Furthemore, she's leaving him because of the throwing-her-down-the-hill thing.  I'm tired of keeping up the mystery; it's super-obvious by this point anyhow: The Young Man is Jesse's son Gideon.

Scotty tells Lucy that it was going to be "just you and me" in Thailand, but earlier he said all three of them.  He seems to have a dominant-submissive relationship with both, and is playing them off each other, telling Lucy "you can easily be replaced" and Gideon, "I might make you my favorite."  Now his dominance is challenged.  He returns to the hotel room and yells at Gideon for telling Lucy about the hill.  "Why'd you tell her?  You like her? You think she likes you?"  His two subs certainly can't be interested in each other!

To restore his dominance, Scotty attacks.  Gideon doesn't want to hurt him, but defends himself with both boxing and martial arts.  He promises to get the money some other way.  

Scotty starts to strangle him, says "If you don't, I will kill you," and covers Gideon's nose with his mouth, signifying raw erotic power and absolute control.  

Before we continue, some bonus Palestinian guys.

Somewhere in the Middle East, anyway.

More after the break

Björn Mosten: His "Love and Anarchy" nude hugeness made him a star, but he's also played a gay boarding school bully and Oddgeir's buddy.

 

In the Swedish comedy Kärlek och anarki (Love and Anarchy, 2020-22), middle aged publishing house consultant Sofia (Ida Engvoll) and young IT guy Max (Björn Mosten) fight a flirtatious "dare war,"  trying to one-up each other with increasingly drastic dares:

Dress like pop singer Cyndi Lauper.

Walk backwards for a day.

Get too drunk

Mimic people

Walk into a restaurant and pretend that you work there.

Dribble

Do everything as fast as you can

And:  Get naked in front of your family.

Whew, our boy is huge.

Frontside and back.

This was the 23-year old actor's only nude scene in the series (he takes off his shirt a few times), but it was enough to seal his popularity among gay men in Sweden and abroad.

His cuteness and his acting ability too, of course.

The cover story of Kupe tells us that he is "An Overnight Star."  

Björn wasn't planning to become a star.  He was a small town boy, from Dvärsätt in central Sweden (the nearest big city is Trondheim, Norway, three hours away).  In the summer of 2019, he was just finishing up his degree in engineering at Uppsala University, and enrolled in the master's program in Computer and Information Engineering.  Lisa Langseth was casting an IT guy for her new comedy drama.  He had done some modeling, so why not audition?

After Love and Anarchy, Bjorn starred in the theatrical play Jakten (2022), at the Stockholms Stadsteaterat.  

It means "The Hunt," as in "Witch Hunt": a grade school teacher (Henrik Norlén) s falsely accused of sexually assaulting a child in his class.  Bjorn plays Marcus, his teenage son.

Next came the tv series Ondskan ("Evil," 2023): Erik (Isac Calmroth) is expelled from public school due to being a violent thug, enrolls in an exclusive private school, becomes a bullying victim, and commences an affair with the lunch lady. 

More after the break