Jonathan Taylor Thomas: The teen idol superstar plays gay characters, retires from acting before he can show us his dick. Probably.

 

During the early 1990s, ABC offered a "family-friendly" lineup on Wednesday nights, beginning with The Wonder Years, with Fred Savage courting the Girl of His Dreams in the 1960s.  We sang a parody of the theme song, the Beatle's "With a Little Help from My Friends":

What would you do if I shat on your shoes?
Would you get up and kick me to the moon?

Before turning the channel to CBS, with The Nanny and Melrose Place.

But we knew about each of the shows, because you knew about every show in the era. They included:

Doogie Houser, with Neil Patrick Harris (right, recent photo) as a 13 year old doctor named Doogie.

Coach, with Craig T. Nelson as a coach.

And Home Improvement, with Tim Allen as a grunting, sweating macho man who hosts a tool-themed tv series and tries to instill grunting, sweating masculinity into his three sons.  Zachery Ty Bryant (playing Brad), the eldest and most muscular, was promoted as a teen idol to draw in teenage girls (they weren't aware of gay boys).  But oddly, it was Jonathan Taylor Thomas (playing Randy) who took off, causing millions of teenage and preteen girls to tune it (again, no gay boys exist).  It quickly jumped to #2 in the ratings.

Wait -- Brad is a jock, a football star, a letterman who every girl in the school swoons over.  Randy is soft, bookish, somewhat femme, playing "a fairy" in the school play, an aspiring actor and journalist.  How did Jonathan Taylor Thomas do it?

The showrunners were stumped. They should have realized that straight girls and gay boys just starting to recognize their romantic interests prefer soft, cuddly, and relatable: Malcolm, not Reese (Malcolm in the Middle), Chris, not Drew (Everybody Hates Chris); Adam, not Barry (The Goldbergs). 

In the mid-1990s, Home Improvement moved to Tuesdays, in the hope that its popularity would help stragglers like Spin City.  We still steered clear of the grunting, sweating Tim Allen, quickly changing the channel to Frasier (CBS) and then back for Drew Carey (ABC).    

But we could hardly ignore JTT; he was on every magazine cover, in every talk show.

He presented at the Emmies and the Golden Globes.

We saw him waving in Thanksgiving and Christmas parades

He appeared in specials honoring Tom Cruise and Lauren Hutton

He praised James Bond in a documentary about the super-spy.

Elton John hugged him.

He played Tom Sawyer opposite Devon Sawa's Huckleberry Finn in Tom and Huck (1995), with a story only vaguely related to the original novels.

An adventure boy opposite Devon Sawa and Scott Bairstow (left) in Wild America (1997).

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

The Mystery of Xale/Egor Spider: From New York or Texas? Or Russia? Fitness model or car salesman? Big or small cock? Is he Spider-Man?

 

It was an Instagram page consisting of 30 or so photos of this guy flexing, all posted in July 2026.

Sometimes wearing glasses and a cowboy hat.  His name was Xale Spider.

He's also got a Spider Xale  Instagram, with photos of Spider-man, real spiders, his sister, who is wearing a University of Wisconsin sweatshirt, and his Dad, who seems to own a carpet store.  

I found SpiderXale on X, with 24,000 followers but no content except for a few "sensitive content" photos, and "New York."  Wait -- what about Wisconsin?

He seems to be a redhead now.

It linked to a site called Fansly, which seems to be like OnlyFans.  You pay $9 per month for "Hot Content."  Except there are no examples, and now his name is Egor Xale.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: The 3rd Rock kid plays gay teenagers, then descends into ceaseless heteronormativity. With his butt, bulge, and potential dick

 

Raise your hand if you still think of Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Tommy Solomon on 3rd Rock from the Sun (1996-2001).  A team of aliens is sent to Earth, disguised as a "typical human family," but their superiors get the ages and genders mixed up.  The male security officer becomes a woman, Sally (played by Kristen Johnsten, who would go on to play Eli's estranged sister on The Righteous Gemstones).  The middle aged information officer becomes prepubescent Tommy.  Poor guy has to go through puberty twice.

There were no regular gay characters, and only two references, in "mistaken for gay" episodes, but Sally, as a male being presenting as a woman, has a queer aura in spite of her heterosexual interests.  Plus John Lithgow, a vocal ally who has played gay and trans characters, imbued team leader Dick Solomon with a number of queer codea, explained as his lack of experience with human customs.

Joseph was a busy child star long before 3rd Rock, with guest spots on Murder She Wrote, LA Law, Quantum Leap, Family Ties, and Roseanne, and starring roles in the 1991 Dark Shadows reboot (as David Collins, heir to the vampire-ridden dynasty) and the 1992 Powers that Be (as the grandson of the unhinged Senator Powers).

I've already reviewed The Great Elephant Escape (1995), a buddy-bonding adventure set in East Africa.

Duriing and after 3rd Rock, Joseph appeared in several projects of gay interest:

On a 1998 episode of That 70s Show, about a group of high school friends in 1970s Milwaukee, focus character Eric befriends his chemistry lab partner, Buddy (Joseph), who thinks they are dating and kisses him.  Eric struggles with the realization, but in the end decides to stay friends with Buddy anyway.  Buddy was supposed to be an ongoing character, but homophobic fans objected, so he was dropped.

Some historians call it the first male same-sex kiss on tv, but it doesn't really count, since Eric didn't consent.  The first kiss where both men consent aired in 2004.

Latter Days (2003) features a romance between  closeted Mormon missionary Aaron (Steve Sandvoss, middle) and out-and-proud, heavily partying Christian (Wes Ramsey, left).  They end up leaving the church and tthe party subculture, respectively. 

Left: Wes Ramsey's butt

 Joseph auditioned to  play Aaron, but the directors thought that his aggressive manner was better suited to the homophobic missionary Paul.  

Mysterious Skin (2004) features two boys, Neill and Brian (Joseph, Brady Corbet), who are abused by their Little League coach.  When they grow up, Neil becomes a hustler (gay, but with a girlfriend), while Brian is experiencing "missing time" and believes that he was abducted by aliens.  

Left: The butt of Joseph as an adult.

I didn't watch because I heard that it was homophobic, presenting the idea that the abuse "turned" the boys gay.

Then the gay content abruptly  ends.  Joe's character even uses a homophobic slur in Don Jon (2013).  He explains, "that character would say that." So it's realistic to offend your gay fans?

In the same interview, he's asked about his gay fans, and replies: "I can't say it's something I really think about."  Jerk!

Left: the jerk's butt.

More after the break

Jonathan Tison: Short, obviously gay Harrison Houde lookalike with a boyfriend, a chest, and cock pics. Well, at least one of those.

This one wasn't my fault.  I saw the Instagram recommendation while on my cell phone: Jonathan Tillson, a cute short guy who looks like Harrison Houde, Bowie on Some Assembly Required.  Plus he has beefcake shots, and he's obviously gay -- the first 12 photos on his Instagram show him hugging, riding the back of, and visiting Greece with his boyfriend.  Perfect for a profile!    

But when I returned on my laptop, the recommendation was gone, and Jonathan Tillson is a white-haired comedian from Boston.  

Maybe Tillotson?  Or John instead of Jonathan?

It took a lot of sleuthing, including going through my search history and cache, to find short, obviously gay actor Jonathan Tison.

I like profiling little-known, obscure actors rather than superstars, and  Jonathan has only five acting roles listed on the IMDB:

A 2014 episode of the true-crime docuseries Snapped: In Mississipi in 2006, a woman killed her estranged husband, but talked her thirteen-year old half-brother (played by Jonathan) into confessing to the crime. 

A 2018 episode of the true-crime docuseries Murder Calls: In Oklahoma in 2011, a woman claims that an intruder broke into the house and killed her husband, but actually she did it.  Jonathan plays Young Tim, but there's no Adult Tim in the cast list.

A 2018 episode of the true-crime docuseries Murder By Numbers. Dallas cops track down the Eyeball Killer.  Jonathan plays the teenage Eyeball.

You're getting typecast, buddy.

Jonathan wrote, directed, and starred in two shorts:

Fade From View (2025): A teenager (Jonathan), "caught in the fallout of his parents' divorce," goes to live with his grandfather.  They bond "in the stillest hours past midnight."

Left: I think this is Jonathan's backside.

At least it doesn't begin "After the death of...", like 90% of these vanity projects.

Joint Hatred for Paul (2025): Writing partners Noah (Jonathan) and Ava discuss how much they hate Paul Shoeman (not a real person, and not in the cast list).

.

But wait -- there's more.  Jonathan has a personal website where he identifies as an "actor, singer, dancer, adventurer" from Knoxville, Tennessee, who began performing at age nine, and has worked on professional, regional, and LORT stages.  He specializes in "The Earnest Boy-Next-Door, whose infectious smile tries to distract from the truth his eyes can't hide."  

His resume lists ten theatrical credits, but most are identified as "family-friendly," which means "heterosexuals only."  I'll check those that don't have the FF label:

Double Helix, a musical about the woman who helped discover the structure of DNA, while facing misogyny and anti-semitism. Jonathan played her coworker, Raymond Gosling, who was straight in real life.

Titus Andronicus.  He played Lucius, son of the violent warrior-king.  Straight.

Urinetown has no specifically gay characters, but sometimes productions play up the gay subtexts.  But Jonathan's character, Bobby Strong, gets The Girl.

Left: Bobby was played by  Richard Fleesman in the London production.

She Loves Me: Jonathan played Arpad, the teenage delivery boy who has a gay-subtext bond with shop owner Maraczek in this ancestor of You Got Mail. 

One gay-subtext role out of 15 theatrical and on-screen performances is not a great record, Jon Baby.  But at least you're going to show us your cock, right?

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit

The 18 best Gemstones stories: Kelvin with Percy, Cousin Karl with Vance and Percy, Keefe with Gideon, Pontius with Stacy. Plus Abraham comes out

 

I never wrote fan fiction before, but I got the urge frequently during the run of The Righteous Gemstones, to "fix" terrible plotlines, expand upon minor characters, and respond to the incessant "that doesn't make Kelvin gay" fan complaints.   There are 25 on Archive of Our Own, but I've only reposted 18 here:

Before Season 1

How do I Know If I'm G...:  Pontius pressures his older brother, 16-year old Gideon, into coming to his sleepover.  He invites the "juvenile delinquent" Manny, gets his first kiss, and wonders if he is g___.

During/After Season 1

My Boyfriend and my Satanist Ex-boyfriend at Thanksgiving Dinner.  Kelvin wants them to stay closeted at Thanksgiving Dinner with Keefe's family, but his ex-boyfriend, Daedalus, is coming, too, and wants to get back together.

Is there Sex After Death?  Scotty dies in Episode 1.8, but Grandma Aimee-Leigh guides him through all the moments of Gideon's life, so he can forgive him for all the moments lost to pettiness and fear.

Kelvin and Keefe under the Christmas tree.  After the events of Season 1, everyone thinks that Kelvin and Keefe are boyfriends -- except for Kelvin.

During/After Season 2

BJ's Angels.  I envision Gideon and two members of the God Squad getting jobs as detectives in a Charlie's Angels parody, with BJ as Charlie.

During/After Season 3

Bondage doesn't solve everything.  There were several hints in Episodes 1-2 that Kelvin and Keefe were into BDSM, so I wrote a story where they guys break up during a BDSM scene, then reconcile when Kelvin arranges for Keefe to get a job as manager of the Gemstone Health Club.

Kelvin's Rebound Date with Percy.  Percy appears in just one scene, as an interior designer working on the church board room.  In this story, Kelvin is distraught after the Episode 3.4 breakup, and his siblings suggest that he move on...with a date with Percy.

Gideon Moves out of the Friend Zone. After the Episode 3,4 breakup, Gideon gets the nerve to ask Keefe out.  They have a hookup, but is that enough to move out of the friend zone?

The Kiss Heard 'Round the World.  The day of the Episode 3.8 Kelvin/Keefe kiss, seen through the eyes of Amber, Gideon, Eli, Judy, Keefe, and Jesse.

More after the break

Fresh Off the Boat Episode 3.2: Musclemen flex, Walter is homophobic, Evan finds a new boyfriend, and Eddie is traumatized by cocks.

Since identifying Hudson Yang as "probably gay," I've been going through his tv series, Fresh Off the Boat, about a "fresh off the boat" Taiwanese-American family in the 1990s.  There are a number of recurring gay characters, but I'm looking for gay texts and subtexts among the sons, Eddie, Emery, and Evan.  Episode 3.2, "Breaking Chains" (2016) has some, plus beefcake and homophobia.

I'm skipping the A Plot, where Dad Louis (Randall Park) hires a housekeeper, thus insulting his wife Jessica, who thinks that he thinks she is a failure as a woman (because her gender identity is based on her ability to clean up?) 

In the B Plot, Eddie (Hudson Yang) and his friends are about to enter eighth grade, so they'll need either great gear or great stories.

Trent (Trevor Larcom) has great gear: he went to a theme park and got a scrunchie depicting the mascot.

Walter (Prophet Bolden) tells him that it "looks like a gay raindrop." 

 Homophobic comment, buddy.

Brian (Dash Williams) has a great story: he had mono, so he stayed inside watching Cinemax.  Now he knows a lot about boobs, and wants to become a pizza delivery boy.  Ugh, heteronormative girl-craziness.

Dave (Evan Hanneman) argues they don't need gear or stories, because they'll be eighth graders, practically upperclassmen.  Eddie (Hudson Yang) agrees: "We'll be men among boys!"  Sounds like their middle school covers grades 7-9, and high school grades 10-12.

Cut to a fantasy of the guys as grown-up musclemen flexing and grinning. I count six girls and one boy swooning over them -- but the one boy acknowledges the existence of LGBT people. 

Eddie's brother Emery is also impressed.  He gasps, "Who are those MEN?"

"Nah, son," Adult Eddie answers.  "We're eighth graders."

Ok, two boys are swooning over the musclemen.

In case you were wondering, Trent becomes Chris Kimball (below); Walter, Cleveland Berto, Dave, Colin Owens; and Eddie, Chen Tang (left)

Some dicks after the break

Zak Ford Williams: Better Bridgerton Batteries and the British Stonewall: all gay roles all the time. With a lot of cocks.

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Murder, They Hope: Terry and Gemma visit a village with weird rituals, dark secrets, dead Santas, former hunks, and Jack Carroll's dick

I haven't reviewed anything on Amazon Prime for awhile, because I'm annoyed by having to wade through two minutes of commercials before they'll let me check to see if it's awful. But a  Christmas-themed murder mystery in July sounds fun, and the title has two allusions: Blood Actually , a Murder They Hope Mystery (Love Actually, Murder She Wrote).

Scene 1: Santa Claus runs through the woods, terrified and bleeding.  We hear a squelch as he is murdered off-camera.  Cut to the opening credits.

An elderly man and his much younger wife or daughter discuss how this will be the best Christmas ever as they approach their Christmas holiday cottage.  The guy with the key popped down to the pub, but that's ok.  They love old-fashioned English pubs full of friendly villagers. 

Scene 2: The Cock Inn.  I'd patronize that.  Carolers are singing "Ding Dong, Merrily On High," which I've never heard before.  Must be distinctly British.

When the Elderly Man and his Wife or Daughter enter, the carolers and pub patrons glare in anger and "cold contempt."  Are they acquainted with the couple, or do they belong to an evil fertility cult?

One of the villagers, Gavin, approaches to apologize: "We don't get too many outsiders here."  He is shushed by the head caroler-- wait, that's Jane Horrocks, the ditzy assistant Bubble on Absolutely Fabulous!  

And Jack Carroll from Coronation Street is one of the glaring patrons (nude photo after the break). 

The Elderly Man, Terry, is played by Johnny Vegas, who starred with Jack in Eaten by Lions. Tour bus driver Terry and guide Gemma (Sian Gibson) have stumbled upon murders in two movies, two tv miniseries, and two tv specials. By this point, they have married and started their own private investigation business, but they're just here for the Christmas holiday.

Creepy David, who owns the holiday cottage they're renting, takes them to get settled.  When they leave, the carolers and patrons glare and fuss; "What are they doing here?  They'll ruin everything!"  Are they planning a Midsommer-style human sacrifice orgy?

Scene 3: Tour of the cottage, with a huge kitchen.  Terry is happy; he can get some creating done here!  He means cooking: he's hoping to do a proper Christmas dinner, to make up for the horrible ones his mum and nan foisted on him.

By the way, Creepy David lives in the granny flat out back, but it has no kitchen, so he'll be popping in to do his own cooking, and he's coming to their Christmas Dinner, of course. 

Left: Creepy David is played by Peter Davidson.  Not the multiple-tattooed Peter Davidson; he was the fifth Doctor Who, appearing 1981-84, and in many movies, tv series, and podcasts thereafter.

When he leaves, Gemma notes a problem: she was busily eating a chocolate mousse, and left the turkey on the kitchen counter back home.  This freaks out Terry: "It's not Christmas, it's Nothing-mas!"

Scene 4: Terry rushes into the village to see if there are any turkeys left.  There are three in a shop with a sign: "All are welcome. Terms and conditions apply."

Uh-oh, the proprietor is Bubble, the most vicious of the carolers.  "We haven't got any turkeys for you.  Those are reserved for members of our community."

Terry notices a poster for the  Santathalon -- prizes for the best Santa Claus!  Anyone in the village is permitted to compete.  Aha, a loophole! If he wins the contest, he'll be accepted as a member of the community, and then she'll have to sell him a turkey. Bubble grudgingly agrees.

Cut to Terry modeling the makeshift Santa Suit that he made from the clothes of Creepy David's dead wife. This causes David to tear up. Heterosexual identity established at Minute 9. 

Scene 5: Terry at the pub with the other Santa contestants, including Martin Kemp of EastEnders (left). Robert (Ed Kear of Nasty Neighbors) brags that he has made runner-up seven times, but his opponent points out that he's lost seven times, plus his wife is cheating.  Heterosexual identity established immediately.    Robert counters that this is not a big deal, because everyone's wife is cheating. 

"You've just made the Naugty List," Eaten By Lions points out.  And you'll be the first victim, I'll bet.

While they are bickering, a muscular Green Man enters (Samuel Anderson of Emmerdale Farm, top photo) and announces that he is Centaur Klausenhof, a Scandinavian Santa Claus (no such being).  He insults Terry by calling him Klausenhoff's Empty-Headed Servant, Rupert.

Scene 6: The first challenge: Give a gift to a ceramic child, judged by your kindness and your ho-ho-hos.

Terry suggests using a real child, which causes everyone to glare, stare at the floor, and hug each other in despair. "There are no children in the village," Bubbles says ominously. Have they sacrificed all their kids?

Perpetual runner-up Robert goes first, but is disqualified for using an inhaler.  Next Terry, but when he opens the package, a head in a Santa hat drops out!  

"It's going to be that sort of Christmas," Terry says resignedly.  You're an amateur.  Jessica Fletcher of "Murder, She Wrote" stumbled upon murders 264 times.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Carter Ryan: Canadian soap boy likes farm equipment, works out, hugs Jaiven and other hot guys. WIth Carter and Kevin cocks.

The teen idol site has numerous photos of Carter Ryan, aka Carter Ryan Evancic and another guy, visible in the background of this photo, and elsewhere hugging, swimming, working out, hugging, and hugging.  Surely they're boyfriends.  But first, to make sure that Carter is actually an actor, I'm checking out his IMDB biography.

Whew, it's long and overblown with superlatives.  The greatest actor of our generation was born in 2006 to Dorlyn and Carol Evancic.  Don't get excited -- Dorlyn is just a guy with a girl's name.   His older sister inspired him to start acting at the age of eight months.  Really? 

At the age of eight, Carter booked the Lead in a Feature Film (Mom's capitalization, not mine), playing the son of "supermodel/actress Rachel Hunt" in Her Infidelity (2015).

Wait -- is Rachel the extremely famous actress, or the character?

She's the actress.  In Her Infidelity (2015), Rachel plays a bored housewife who has an affair with a hunky teacher (Grayson Chitty), but he turns out to be a psycho.  Presumably Carter plays her son.

 

Getting through the descriptions of Carter's wonderfulness is quite a slog. Here's another photo of Carter and his boyfriend to combat the boredom.  

After Her Infidelity, the great actor (according to his Mom) appeared in:

An episode of Impastor (2015) as Young Buddy.  The grown-up Buddy, on the run from a loan shark, steals a man's identity and takes over as the new gay pastor of a small-town church.  This may be a problem, since he's not really qualified to be a leader in the local gay community. Besides, he's got a tattoo of a naked lady on his hand. 

An episode of Travelers (2016), with Will and Grace star Eric McCormack playing a straight guy who sends his consciousness back in time.  Carter's character is not mentioned in the plot synopsis.

Two episodes of The Man in the High Castle (2015-16), a dystopian series where Germany won World War II. Carter plays the son of a lady dating American resistance fighter Joe Blake (Luke Kleintank).

Left: Rupert Everett as resistance fighter Frank Frink.

But Carter is best known as Cody Stanton in the Canadian soap When Calls the Heart (2015-19) and the spin-off When Hope Calls (2021).

The Hoping Heart or The Calling Hope or whatever is set in a small town in Alberta in the 1910s.  Cody is homeless and hungry until he is adopted by Abigal Stanton, who runs the local cafe. His plotlines involve dealing with his sister's illness, dealing with his own illness, having trouble at school, and gay-subtext buddy-bonding with Robert Wolfe (Jaiven Natt).

Hey, Jaiven is the boyfriend! 

Off-camera, Carter buddy-bonded with several male cast members.  Here he wishes happy birthday to Daniel Issing, whom I assumed was a father figure on the show. But the actor is Kevin McGarry, who plays town constable Nathan Grant, with no particular connection to Cody.  Apparently Carter just likes hunky guys.

And who the heck is Daniel Issing?    

More after the break