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Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.7, Continued: Teenjus meets the Devil. So does Kelvin. With a gay Christian, Jordanian junk, and Dustin's d*ck
Title: "On Your Belly You Shall Go." Genesis 3.14, KJV: The Serpent tempted Adam and Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, leading to their knowledge of good and evil, so God curses it: "On your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life." I imagine that we'll just see someone getting eaten by a snake. Or a gator.
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A Homosexual in Our Midst: Fox News broadcasts "Vance Simkins Loses Control at Award Ceremony." He yells "They let a homosexual in our midst!" and starts punching and hitting people before being dragged off stage.
Jesse, watching on tv, tells Amber "I fucking love this." Amber agrees: "He is a very negative man." They argue about what role Jesse had in Kelvin's victory, but end up agreeing that he was important "behind the scenes."
BJ's Hookups: Judy wheeling BJ and the Monkey through the park, complaining that they used to do picnics and hookups. Now they can't do that. So BJ and Judy used to go on Grindr and invite guys over? Tell me more.
BJ wants to show her something: He can get out of the wheelchair and walk a few steps before falling. Then a few more steps. "I am healed!" he yells. The Monkey is not happy.
Cut to Eli is sitting in the dark, looking at photos of him with Lori. He decides to cut his hair. Thank God -- he looked horrible with that long, stringy do.
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The Monkey Smokes: Family dinner at Jason's, around a round table, with the newly cleaned-up Eli, and the Monkey bringing dinner rolls to BJ. Everyone praises Eli for cutting his hair; Jesse quips that he looked like "one of those Shakespearean witches." So we've moved from Hamlet to Macbeth.
They wonder why BJ hasn't returned the Monkey, since he's cured. He wants to keep it.
Pontius and Gideon, now friends, want to see the Monkey smoke, so Baby Billy pulls out a cigarette. Like Kelvin, Gideon has decided to be "true to himself" and not be straitjacketed by societal expectations about Christian youth.
The Monkey smokes! Kelvin and Keefe want to get one: it would be a great addition to Game Night. So they have a Game Night? Who do they invite, gay couples?
Uh-oh, the Monkey starts to masturbate.
The Monkey Turns Murderous: Judy is taking a bath when the Monkey comes in and grabs a plugged-in hair drier. Hey, that will electrocute her! He comes closer and closer, while Judy pleads: "Please don't murder me." BJ rings the bell, and he rushes out.
She goes downstairs, where BJ is reading a romance novel, Sunkissed and Sentimental (not real) , and watching Chowder (2007-2010), a cartoon about an apprentice chef in a world where everyone is named after food (Kimchi, Mung Daal, Truffles, Gazpacho). I'm not sure about the significance.
BJ refuses to believe that the Monkey is murderous, so she spins it, saying that they should give him to someone who needs his help.
Losing a Pet: Happy Helping Hands arrives, with Amber and Brody, to take the Monkey away. Crying, BJ notes that the Monkey has attachment issues ever since he lost his mother at a young age. "He was beautiful, and he believed in me." I fast forwarded through the scene. F*k the Sadness.
Left: Brody is played by Chris Rubiez. a "dad/husband" from Roanoke, Virginia, "half Lebanese and half country boy." No beefcake photos online, so I'll f*k the Sadness with a bear with a similar face and physique.
Ok, we've had the Sad Scene. Now let's try for some Comedy.
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Turn My Water into Wine: The Nanny grills a giant sausage at the beach while Tiffany and her kids sit at a picnic table. Baby Billy was supposed to be here an hour ago!
Cut to Baby Billy snorting cocaine, and then playing Teenjus, who has just turned water into wine. Johnny B (Pilot Bunch) proclaims that this will make him the hit of the village party, and he won't be bullied for having a virgin mother.
Cut! No Virgin Mom in the script! No ad-libbing. "Say exactly what I f*king wrote!" I wouldn't be surprised if Johnny B walks.
Baby Billy stomps back to the Director's Tent to snort some more cocaine.
More after the break. Caution: Explicit.