Edward Padilla: "Suburgatory" short guy hangs out with Brad Pitt and Mel Gibson, plays priests and Chicano Divas, has a husband and a d*ck

We're rewatching Suburgatory (2011-2014), about a high school girl transplanted from cool Manhattan to the ritzy suburban town of Chatswin, Connecticut. I have yet to understand the opening lyrics: "Last night I had a dah dah dah dah," which the subtitles translate as "perfect nightmare."  I don't like the low-key homophobia, with several "everybody thinks he's gay, har har" plotlines.  But it's a nostalgic pleasure remembering that era -- just 15 years ago -- when everything was bright and fresh and hopeful.  Plus there are lots of cute guys.  

Today I'm researching Edward Padilla, who plays country club lackey Jauvier.  He's not as swoonworthy as Joe Mande on Modern Family, but he's cute, and 5'6".  Short is short. 

Eddie was born in 1972, and grew up in San Diego,  He received a B.A. in Theater from the University of Southern California, plus a Master of Public Health from the Keck School of Medicine.  I couldn't find any photos from the 1990s except this one, which may be of another "Eddie Padilla."

His on-camera work begins with Mr. Jones (1993): Richard Gere, years after his iconic nude scene in American Gigolo, plays a mentally ill guy who starts a romance with his therapist.  Eddie plays a bellboy. 

His television work begins in Mexico with Tales from Beyond (2003) the Spanish version of the paranormal investigation show;  Te amaré en silencio (2003-04), a telenovela about a deaf girl; and the pilot Mi Vida Lorca (2004), which has nothing to do with the gay poet Federico Garcia Lorca.

Next he played a delivery driver on The King of Queens, a baby on The Drew Carey Show,a priest on Bones , a priest on Dirt, and a judge on Southland.while pursuing a career in public health.

Eddie's IMDB page says that he's best known for Man On Fire (2004), with Denzel Washington as a CIA agent who vows revenge on those who committed "unspeakable acts."   But he only worked as "Additional Crew."  Maybe it's memorable because of Denzel.

That explains the other movies on the "best known for" list: Colombian Military Officer in Mr and Mrs Smith (2005), with Brad Pitt; Test Site Technician in Spider-Man 3 (2007), with Tobey Maguire; and Addiitonal Crew on Get the Gringo (2012), with Mel Gibson.  

The gay ally Brad Pit, the heterosexist Tobey Maguire, and the frothing homophobe Mel Gibson.  You're all over the map, dude.

I'd rather remember him for roles that actually involved acting: Jauvier in Suburgatory (2011-2014), a priest on Jane the Virgin (2015), a priest on Will and Grace (2017), a preacher on I'm Dying Up Here (2018), a priest in Pecados Ajenos (2021)...

Getting typecast, buddy?

The only queer content I can see is in Big Tony's Ballet (2020): In the 1950s, mobster Big Tony must deal with his 7-year old son's interest in ballet.  God and God's Husband appear 

And Quinceañera (2024): At the party celebrating her 15th birthday, a girl "confronts her feelings for a shy girl she met at dance practice."  Edward plays a priest, of course.

More after the break

"Howl" for Ricky Schroder, with Ricky's d*ck

 

I saw the cutest guy of my generation destroyed by madness, ranting hysterical naked...

Who played a "poor little rich boy" on Silver Spoons (1982-87) on my dream Saturday night, immersed in the buddy-bonding of Bosom Buddies, Jennifer Slept Here, and Mama's Family.

Whose boyfriend, Alfonso Ribeiro, went on to display his muscles and bulge on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Who became a teen idol without taking off his shirt, who made gay boys sigh just with his dreamy eyes and smile

Who graduated to play a young soldier (Too Young The Hero, 1988), a cowboy (Lonesome Dove, 1989), and the juvenile brother of Brad Pitt (Across the Tracks, 1990), all men who knew the manly love of comrades

 Who hooked up with Mark Patton the Scream Queen but then threw himself into the closet of wives and sons and locker room homophobia

Who buddy-bonded with Dermont Mulroney in There Goes My Baby (1994), before they were both shipped off to Vietnam, one to die and the other to open a surf shop and cry over his lost love

Who forgot the endless summers of our youth

Seeing, touching, and tasting c ocks and endless balls.

Who crashed into movies and tv shows that no one saw, harsh, gritty, repellent, "make America great again" vehicles.

Who played a detective on NYPD Blue (1998-2001), with a woman's body below his gyrating backside

A nurse named Flower on Scrubs (2002-3) , who was queer coded but in love with Elliot

More after the break

"Bullet Train": Eleven assassins, Brad Pitt, and queerbaiting on the train from Tokyo to Kyoto. With some nude dudes

 

Friday's Movie Night movie was Bullet Train (2022), starring Brad Pitt as a professional assassin assigned to do an "easy" job, grab a briefcase full of money, on the bullet train that travels the 440 km (220 miles) from Tokyo to Kyoto in two hours. He doesn't realize that the train is crowded with other assassins, professional and amateur.

1. The Father, Andrew Koiji, wants revenge on The Prince, a gang lord who had his son thrown off a building.  

2. The Prince is also on the train, but he doesn't recognize her. She forces him to retrieve the money and load it with explosives, to assassinate her estranged father, #6, below.

3.-4. Tangerine and Lemon, Andrew Taylor-Johnson and Brian Tyree Henry, a queerbait couple.  After nearly two hours of the two bickering, being affectionate, and discussing their life together, director David Leitch loses his nerve and makes them brothers.

They have rescued...

5. The Son, Logan Lerman, from kidnappers, and also retrieved the ransom money that Brad Pitt is supposed to steal.    But the Son is killed, I forget by whom, so....

6. The Son's father, Russian crime lord The White Death, Michael Shannon, shows up to kill Tangerine and Lemon and whoever else he thinks flubbed the job. 

Left: Michael Shannon's butt, for a change of pace

More assassins after the break

Leonardo DiCaprio: Nude photos of Arthur Rimbaud, Howard Hughes, the Great Gatsby, and Elijah Wood's good buddy

 

I watch mostly comedy and science fiction, and Leonardo DiCaprio doesn't do much of either, so I've only seen a few of his movies: Romeo x Juliet, Inception, The Great Gatsby, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.  But I've heard of many: they win Critic Association awards, get discussed on first dates, end up on top of people's "my favorite movie" lists

He is not a beefcake star, but a surprising number of his film appearances involve nudity.

In 1994, playing Arthur Rimbaud in Total Eclipse, Leo gave us full frontal and rear shots. (Don't worry, he's over 18 here).

Rimbaud was gay, lover of established poet Paul Verlaine, and author of one of  my favorite poems, "The Drunken Boat."  But I never saw the movie because both of the poets repent, turn straight, and get girlfriends.

Playing a troubled youth in The Basketball Diaries (1995).  Leo is on the far right.

More Leo after the break

Brad Pitt: Nice abs, but Adam Devine has a bigger dick

 

Brad Pitt has been part of our lives since his cowboy hitchhiker took off his shirt in Thelma and Louise (1991). A short list of his most beloved movies has to include Interview with the Vampire, Legends of the Fall, Fight Club, Ocean's Eleven, World War Z, and Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

Only one gay role -- The Normal Heart (2014) -- but lots of gay subtexts, from vampires to con artists to imagniary friends.

Brad is regularly listed as the hottest man alive or the sexist man alive, and he doesn't appear to age -- in 2023 he's still as buffed as he was is 1993.  And, fortunately for us, he's not shy about showing off his physique on camera.

The only nudity we've seen is his butt, while sexing a lady to detract from the hotness.

Cocks after the break