Michael O'Hearn: barbarian, superhero, nude model, backside annihilator.

Michael O'Hearn (no connection to Brock O'Hurn) played the bodybuilder who harassed Adam on Workaholics, and for some reason didn't get cast as a member of Kelvin's God Squad.  Recently he had a gym date with Tony Cavalero: "After an intense couple of weeks of flirting online, we went at it at the gym like true barbarians."  

He specifies: "Tony brings the business in the front and the party in the back, and I don't just mean the hair."  Funny, I always thought Tony was more into oral. But when you have Michael O'Hearn behind you, who's going to say no?

Tony returns the compliment: "Honored to have you annihilate my back!  Such a blast bustin' some smut with you."  How many ways can you make a gym workout sound like sex?

You might not  want to see Mike's first star vehicle, Barbarian (2003): "An ancient land suffocates in the shadow of evil. A dark lord rules unopposed. One warrior will become legend. He is the Barbarian... the last great warrior king."  Did anyone actually write a script, or did they watch a 1980s sword-and-sorcery movie and say "Here -- act this out."

The Keeper of Time (2004) is more of the same, with characters named Bullrock, Anu, Udo...and Daniel? 

Then Mike moved into comedy, with roles on Workaholics, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Lab Rats, Mighty Meds, and Epic Rap Battles of History.  Plus he performed on two seasons of American Gladiators, the beefcake game show, as Thor and Titan.

But his main career is in bodybuilding and modeling. 4 time Mr. Universe, 7 time Fitness Nake Model of the Year, 470 magazine covers.  Plus the cover model for Topaz romance novels.

And a lot of humorous instagram posts.

I do the same thing.  Leg day?  What's leg day?

Super bulge from when Mike played a Superman parody.

Hulked out for American Gladiators.  

Mike's size after the break

"Run the Burbs": A queer daughter, a gay jerk, and the guy from "Kim's Convenience" naked

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Adam Devine's House Party, Episode 1.1: Adam shows his tree-trunk, eats fro-yo, and flirts with Andrew Santino

In 2013-2014,  while Adam Devine was starring in Workaholics and Modern Family and guesting on  Community, Arrested Development, Sanjay and Craig, and American Dad, he somehow managed to find the time for Adam Devine's House Party.  He plays an insecure, jerky, penis-obsessed version of himself, hosting a huge party in a mansion.  Each episode has a brief plot framing the sets of three up-and-coming comedians. I'm reviewing Episode 1.1, "Ex Girlfriend."

Scene 1:  Adam checks the food, booze, and comedians.  Whoops, there's some poop on the floor.  He covers it with a dollar bill. Gross! Everything is ready!  A hundred people burst in.  

Scene 2: To demonstrate how wild he is, Adam smashes a beer bottle on his head.  Uh-oh, too far.  We cut to him with his head bandaged, blood sopping down. Can they keep filming?  Director Kyle says it's fine.

Adam introduces the concept: "Comedy Central gave me a bunch of money to throw an awesome comedy show, and I blew it all on this house party."

Nope, that doesn't work.  Let's try repeating the opening amid gyrating butts --- a boy and a girl.  The boy's is obscured by the title, but that's the one he gawks at. Adam likes boy butts, and he cannot lie.

Scene 3: Andrew Santino invited Adam's ex-girlfriend to the party!  Adam gets all jealous and threatens to not let him perform. Santino claims that he didn't know, and the girl says that they just went out on one date, so who cares?  He counters: "We should have grown old and died together, but someone thought that someone was strange."

Scene 4: The first comic "won't stab you in the back by f*king your ex girlfriend: Ahmed Bharoocha. 

"Gay marriage is still illegal.  Can we get a boo for that?  Aha!  If you booed, you're gay!"  Wait -- anyone who supports gay marriage is gay, and that's a bad thing?   

He continues that it's crazy that gay marriage is still illegal. How can they allow someone who doesn't know any gay people to "vote on their happiness."  It's like going to a restaurant and ordering cake, but the guy at the next table cancels your order: "I don't like cake, so no one gets cake."

More riffs on a teenage God having kids too early, and baby crows.

Scene 5: Montage of a guy drinking, a guy kissing a girl, and so on. Ahmed and Adam discuss his head injury and the likelihood that Santino "won't get out of here alive."  

Scene 6: Adam introduces Andrew Santino, "a shit dog of a human being, but he's super funny."  

He riffs on his father's objections to him moving to California, with all the gay slurs: "you gonna roller blade and give blow jobs for cash."  "That's ridiculous.  Not everybody in California is gay."  

Then his friend asked him to go sky-diving.  The first time, you go tandem, which means that another adult male is strapped against you, his genitals against your butt.What if the parachute fails, and they both die, and his Dad comes to identify the body: a guy's dick in his ass!  He turned gay after all!

Santino lives in West Hollywood, the "gayest place in the world."  His apartment is at the intersection of Rainbow Avenue and Butthole Road.  You know, not all gay men are into anal sex.  His neighbor is a bear, but he eats penis instead of pic-a-nick baskets.  

If Santino was gay, he'd be a power bottom.  He demonstrates how he would clench to guide the action.  That's not what a power bottom is, but I'm surprised that Santino knows about the clenching. 

Scene 7: Adam asks the ex-girlfriend why she prefers Santino.  "Is his dick bigger than mine?" She doesn't know, having never seen Adam's dick.  Don't you go to movies?  Everyone's seen it.    

"Adam, you just took me out for fro-yo, and didn't pay for it.  You don't love me...you just get obsessed, and can't think of anything else."

"I do not get obsessed...wait, fro-yo?  I forgot about that."  He calls a fro-yo - frozen yogurt -- shop and orders enough for everyone.

Scene 8:  Next comedian: Barry Rothbart (top photo.  At least, he claims that's him).  He riffs on why he's so good at sex; ordering in a restaurant using hand signals: and dolphin sex.

Penises after the break. Caution: arousal.

Andrew Matarazzo: Gay icon, geographer, werewolf hunter, wacky model. Even his butt pics are a little wacky.

 

I've had some beefcake and nude photos of Andrew Matarazzo in my files for a long time, without knowing who he is or what he's been in.  

When you're hung, what's the difference?

Finally I got around to checking him out on the IMDB: 27 acting credits, including the gay themed Geography Club and West Hollywood Motel, plus guest spots on Girls, Royal Pains, Speechless, Jane the Virgin, and Solar Opposites. 

 He had a seven episode story arc on Teen Wolf as Gabe, a student at Beacon Hills who plays on the lacrosse team and turns out to be a Hunter. His character didn't have much time for relationships, but he did have a gay-subtext buddy bond with Nolan, played by Froy Guttierez.

Andrew appears to be gay in real life, although there weren't any shot of boyfriends on his social media.

Just some nudes and fashion modeling.

More nudes and fashions after the break

Workaholics, Episode 6.1: Blake is gay in this one, but don't worry, Adam still likes dicks. With bonus Dane cock...I mean Cook

Workaholics, with Adam Devine, Blake Anderson, and Anders Holm as a trio of loveable goofballs, rarely disappoints.  Adam takes his shirt off more often than not, and usually expresses an interest in men, or at least penises.   But not always, and there are a lot of "let's look at naked ladies!" plotlines -- this was on Comedy Central, after all -- so going in cold, reviewing an episode without watching it first, is risky. 

But I'm feeling adventurous, so let's go.   Episode 6.1, "The Wolves of Rancho," a parody of The Wolves of Wall Street -- the guys work as telemarketers in Rancho Cucamonga.

Scene 1: At the office, instead of working, Blake and Ders are having  a beatbox battle, while Adam moderates. 

Scene 2: The guys continue to avoid work, hiding behind the office to eat noodles.  Suddenly Cushing (Liam Hemsworth), who used to work there, drives up in his Porsche.   They're amazed: "You've changed -- you used to look horrible, but now you're hot."  

And how can a telemarker afford a Porsche?  It's because he transfered to the Van Nuys office, where his boss, JP (Dane Cook, below), is an inspiration.  

Scene 3: They yell at their own boss, Alice.  Why do they spend all day doing beat-box contests and taking naps?  Why aren't they making the big commissions? Because she's a lousy leader.  They insist that she transfer them to the Van Nuys branch, where they can be inspired by a real leader, and become great men and "playboy pimps."  She agrees.

Scene 4: Their new office, all dark and deserted.  A guy on the telephone tells them to "sell me on each other."  Blake: "He could sell sand to Sandra Bullock."  Adam: "He's like a hammerhead shark of telemarketing."  That's enough: The lights go on, and everyone pops out like at a surprise party.  They have a week to prove that they belong at the money-making machine.

Cushing give them the tour -- they each get their own office, decorated however they want, and there are new suits and hair gel products for them.  Hey, Cushing just  "goosed" a passing guy.  That's sexual harassment, buddy, but at least it demonstrates that you are attracted to men.

Scene 5: JP's inspirational speech: "We're gonna take this week, and butt-f*k it until it dumps Monday."  I don't know what that means, except for the butt-f*king part.  The employees are all dudes, except for two women standing in the background.  Looks like some gender discrimination going on, and quite a lot of dudebro homoeroticism.

JP explains his shark sales strategy: If an old guy says no because he spent all his money on his heart medication, what do you do?  Tell him to buy, and skip the medication!  No means yes!  Adam is horrified, but goes along with it.

Scene 6: End of day: "You crushed it!  200 sales!"  Presumably that means the whole office, not just the guys.  "Now you get to work late and make 200 more!" The guys are exhausted, but it's stay late or get fired. So, do they get time and a half?

To motivate them during their overtime, the big-dicked John Jordan will be coming around with botox injections, and there are sushi strippers: you pick sushi off their naked bodies, presumably trying to reveal the good parts.  Plus Pauly Shore, known for playing annoying characters, in a cage. "If you meet your quota, you can "wease the juice" with him."  I don't know what that means, but it sounds dirty.

Cut to the guys in their offices, doing hard-sells: "Do you care about the happiness of your children?"  Ders is juggling, Adam working out; and Blake doing martial arts. I know this is a "grass is always greener" workplace episode, but isn't Adam contractually obligated to take off his shirt at least once? 

He takes it off after the break

Julian Lerner: Six-pack abs, some costars' bulges and dicks, and a lot of premiere parties for movies he wasn't in.

I stumbled upon Julian Lerner while researching someone else.  I don't know who he is, but anyone with abs like that deserves a profile. 

But I don't profile singers.  Let's see some acting roles.

He's in Disney's Descendants: Rise of the Red,  a 2024 movie in which Red, the teenage daughter of the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland, and Chloe,the  teenage daughter of her bitter enemy Cinderella, go back in time to meet their mothers as teenagers, to forestall their life-long feud. 

It also stars:

1. Joshua Colley., left, as Captain Hook's son.  I thought Captain Hook was gay. Ki must be adopted.

2. Peder Lindell as Morgana Le Fay's son.

3. Paolo Montalban, bulging left, as King Charming -- Prince Charming after he inherited the throne, get it?  I always thought that was a description, not his actual name.

4. Levin Valyali as the middle-aged Aladdin.

5. Kabir Bery as the teen Aladdin

6. Leonardo Nam as the Mad Hatter's son.  Come on, that guy was too looney to establish a permanent romantic relationship.

7. Anthony Pyatt as the teenage Hades.  

Wait, Julian Lerner isn't in this.  Why is he getting photographed on the red carpet?

He wasn't in in Percy Jackson and Olympians, either, regardless of what Getty Images says.

More after the break

The Quarry: Skyler Gisondo and some gay/bi hunks fight werewolves at a summer camp

 

Someone on Reddit said that Skyler Gisondo was starring in a movie called The Quarry, so I looked it up on Hulu.  No Skyler Gisondo.  Turns out that he is the star of a video game called The Quarry.

I haven't actually played a video game since Super Mario Brothers sometime in the 1990s, so I didn't realize how lifelike the characters are now, practically identical to the actors hired to voice them.  

The premise: after the summer camp of Hackett's Quarry ends, so there are no kids around, the remaining teenage counselors are attacked by werewolves and crazy redneck locals.  They have to survive the night, find out who is sending the werewolves, and develop romances.  You can play any of 18 teen and adult characters, including:

1. Max (Skyler Gisondo, top photo), who is at the camp with his girlfriend, a future veterinarian (useful for treating wounded werewolves).

2. Ryan (Justice Smith), a quiet, reclusive, artistic type who can be played as gay or straight. Yes, that's his dick.

3. Jacob (Zack Tinker), the dudebro who signed on as a counselor in order to get drunk and have sex with babes.

More after the break

Pasolini's "Arabian Nights": The less well-known tales told with penises and homophobia

Between 1971 and 1974, Italian filmmaker Piers Paolo Pasolini produced and directed three adaptions of famous Medieval stories.  The Arabian Nights (Il fiore delle Mille et una Notte) was the last, and the most ambitious, with filming locations in Yemen, Iran, and Nepal.  

If you've seen the other two (The Decameron and The Canterbury Tales), this one will be familiar; most of the same actors, especially Pasolini's lover Ninetto Davoli (left) and his protege Franco Merli, below, whom he discovered working at a gas station in Sicily.

Don't worry, he's 21 in this scene.

Some of the same annoying bits as in the previous movies: dozens of people sitting around singing for no reason; lengthy closeups of random people with bad teeth grinning idiotically at the camera; stories that merge into other stories, so you're never sure what you're watching.

Pasolini eschews the more familiar stories, like Aladdin and Ali Baba, to concentrate on Nur Ed Din (Franco Merli) who loses his favorite slave girl, and wanders around, crying and having erotic adventures while searching for her.

Inside that story is another, about Aziz (Ninetto Davoli), who depends on his girlfriend for advice on how to win The Girl of His Dreams.  It ends badly.

And a few others.  Prince Tagi (Francesco Paolo Governale) falls in love with a girl through hearing a story about her, but she doesn't like men. 

More after the break

Jeremy Renner: A gay serial killer, some gay subtext roles, some homophobia, and a j/o video

 

I wanted to do a profile of Jeremy Renner, the one-time roommate of Kristoffer Winter, who may or may not have dated my friend Infinite Chazz in West Hollywood.  But there are problems: few nude photos, not much beefcake, and he's extremely homophobic. 

Addressing the rumors that he's bisexual because he was living with a man and a woman, he cursed "they're not f*** true!"  Same thing when he dumped both to move in with Kristoffer Winters, who may or may not have dated my friend Infinite Chazz in West Hollywood: "Believe whatever you f*king want!"

By the way, his favorite movie is the deeply homophobic Braveheart, which he's seen 35 times.  

Jeremy will not be playing a gay character anytime soon -- God help the agent who suggests it! -- but oddly, there are obviously unintentional gay subtexts in some of his movies, beginning with the first, National Lampoon's Senior Trip, 1995: stoner Dags has a buddy.

And A Friend's Betrayal, 1996. He's not the one doing the betraying, but he does have a buddy, Brian Austin Green.

How about a fey vampire who preys on teenage boys in a 2000 episode of Angel?

Or a 2002 biopic of Jeffrey Dahmer, the serial killer who preyed on teenage boys?  Why would the homophobic Jeremy accept such a role?

Jeremy gives us some rear nudity in Twelve and Holding, 2005:  "A 12-year old boy and his friends face the harsh realities of death, teenage hormones, and family dysfunction." 100 to 1 the "hormones" mean the 12-year old gets down with a girl.

More nude Jeremy after the break

Six degrees of Kevin's Bacon's penis. With Billy Crudup, Mickey Rourke, and others

I was trying to combine the "six degrees of Kevin Bacon" game, where any actor in any random movie is six movies or less away from Kevin, plus a double-entendre on "bacon" meaning "penis."  

It didn't work, so I'll just post six penises, some of Kevin Bacon, some of his costars.

Born in 1958, Kevin graduated from high school at age 15, attended Bucknell University, and hit the New York theater scene in 1975.  He was in some plays and some New York-based soap operas, and he played one of the fratboy pledges in Animal House, 1978.  You know you saw it, and didn't notice anything problematic.  It was the 70s.

He bulged in the teen slasher Friday the 13th, 1980, but I just saw it recently, and didn't notice.  A few more plays, including Forty Deuce, which won him an Obie, and he was ready for fame in the angst vehicle Diner, 1982, with Steve Guttenberg, Mickey Roarke, and Daniel Stern.

Penis #1: Actually Mickey Rourke's.

Footloose, 1984, is an icon of the 1980s generation, where televangelists like Jerry Falwell were calling down God's wrath on America for such sins as teen pregnancy, the Equal Rights Amendment, and homa-sekshuls: a conservative preacher has banned dancing in his small town, I didn't see it, but there's a buddy-bonding gay subtext between Ren and Willard (Kevin, Chris Penn) in the play.

White Water Summer, 1987: Kevin plays a sadistic wilderness guide who almost sends Sean Astin to his death.  But there aren't any girls in it, at least.

Kevin shows his butt in He Said, She Said, 1991, a romance with the gimmick of showing every scene twice, from his and her point of view.

Another butt in Pyrates, 1991, which is not about pirates.  The hetero couple starts fire when they have sex.  

That reminds me of an old joke, either from Talulah Bankhead or Elvira, Mistress of the Dark: 

Guy: "Do you smoke after sex?"

Talulah/Elvira: "Darling, I don't know.  I never looked."

A Few Good Men, 1992, sounds like it is about soldiers fighting and dying, but actually it's a courtroom drama, with Tom Cruise defending two soldiers accused of murder. Kevin stars as the Captain.

Penis #2: James Marshall, playing one of the accused soldiers.

More after the break.  I swear, we'll see Kevin's bacon

Workaholics Episode 4.13: "Do you think the guys having sex upstairs might be gay?" With bonus bear cocks

Workaholics Episode 4.13, "Friendship Anniversary," is an excellent illustration of heteronormativity, the assertion that heterosexual desire, behavior, and identity are universal human experience, and LGBT people do not exist, or at least there are none here.   

You ask a new male acquaintance if he has a girlfriend, forgetting that he could be gay or bi.

The teacher tells the class, "If you boys got your minds off girls, you'd get better grades," forgetting that some of them might have their mind on boys.

TV viewers insist that a same-sex pair cannot be gay unless they actually say so on screen.  Otherwise everything they say and do is what heterosexuals say and do. "So they hold hands. Can't a straight guy hold his buddy's hand?"

On to the show. 

The Dude Husbands: After a scene where the guys, Anders, Blake, and Adam, play American Gladiator,  they discover that they have been living together for seven years, so they are "common law husbands."  To celebrate their anniversary, Blake gives them homemade gifts: seashells on Ders' headphones and macaroni on Adam's weight belt, ruining them!  Ders serves horrible Norwegian food hidden in a bait-and-switch KFC box.  They argue, have a food fight, destroy each other's stuff, and criticize Adam's weight: "You're a chubby bitch, as fat as John Candy and not half as cool."  Finally they break up. Everyone leaves the house.

Blake's Night:  Crashing with his work friend, Jillian, Blake has a fun evening planned: beer, listening to the Yin Yang Twins (a rap duo), and "artsin' and craftin'"  But she's engrossed in a dog show on tv (that she is betting a lot of money on).  He makes her a "thanks for letting me stay here" gift, arts-and-crafting her favorite dress, ruining it. Plus he makes fajitas with sour cream, enraging her (that's a little harsh, girl). 

Jillian puts him to bed in the bathtub, and when he casually mentions that she is acting crazy, goes ballistic: "We leave the shower on and the lights off."  

Ders' Night: Apparently he has no credit cards to get a hotel room, and no friends, so Ders tries to sleep in the back seat of his car.  He hears some teens drinking beer at the play station in the park -- after hours!  He tells them to scram, but they just make fun of him, so he gives them an ultimatum: they have to be gone by the time he finishes taking a dump, or he's calling the cops. 

Once he gets into the porta-a-potty, the teenagers knock it over, dousing him with a flood of blue toilet water

Adam's Night: He goes to a bar to drink and look for friends who won't reject him for being overweight.  It turns out to be a gay bear bar (no one says so, but watch your heteronormativity; how do you know it's not?). He comes on too loud and too strong for the first guys he approaches: "50 beers for my new friends, who I love now!"  When Trevor (Stephen Kramer Glickman) calls him a "rowdy little bear cub," he insists on a full-body bear hug, and accepts an invitation home. Heteronormativity: Adam has no idea that these guys are gay, or that he has agreed to a hook-up.

At home, they go right to bed.  When Trevor presses his hard cock against him, Adam thinks that it's just morning wood, and congratulates the guy for being so virile.  Trevor is about to go downtown, when Adam reveals that he just broke up with a partner of seven years, like a few hours ago.  A rebound hookup would be a bad idea; Trevor announces that he's going to masturbate in the bathroom instead. Heteronormativity again: a guy climbs in bed with you naked and presses his hard cock against you, but same-sex desire does not exist, so you must find a heterosexual explanation.

The guys start texting but change their minds, look for texts from their partners, and are miserable. 

The Rat Catchers: The next day, they have cordoned off their cubicle, and aren't speaking to each other, except to brag about how great their nights alone were and criticize their performance as husbands.  They decide to go back to the house, split up the security deposit, and part forever.

Except the house is overrrun with rats.  They have to get rid of them, or they won't get the security deposit back.  They try various gross and unhygeniec strategies which allow each to use his skills: Anders' organizational ability, Blake's arts-and-crafting, and Adam's muscles.  Afterwards, although they are splattered with rat blood and will probably die of rabies, they realize that they enjoyed the adventure, and decide to stay dude husbands. 

More after the break