Tom Cruise: From "Risky Business" to "The Mummy," with nudity and homophobia

As early as Risky Business (1983), we see Tom Cruise dancing in his underwear and masturbating under the covers.

What you are seeing is Tom's body, arms, and the front of his penis, in All the Right Moves.

Top Gun  gave us Tom's buns in very tight underwear.

Magnolia gave us an underwear bulge

And Jerry Maguire his butt

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.3: Kelvin topples, Keefe cuddles, and Titus is caged. With bonus semen loads

Previous: Episode 2.2: Kelvin clenches,Keefe dances, and everybody flirts with Eli. 

Episode 2.3 explores the darkness at the heart of Eli and Kelvin's empires.  

Title: "For He is a Liar and the Father of Lies." In John 8:44, Jesus complains that the Pharisees are children of the Devil, "for he is a liar and the father of lies."  I wonder who the liar is here.

Four guys in the steam showers:  A montage of the God Squad in their compound outside Kelvin's house, working out with wooden equipment, shaving with an axe, growing crops.  Performers that Kelvin hired would have apartments in town and ordinary social lives, with friends and families.  This is a whole society, a homoerotic alternative to the mundane world of men constrained by wives and children, imprisoned in small square houses "made of ticky tacky."  

In literature and film, the adventure ends with marriage.  The hero is domesticated, exchanging his battles and intrigues for a mortgage and a briefcase, his band of brothers for the Eternal Feminine.  The God Squad offers an escape: "no women allowed," either in the Squad or hanging about outside, hoping to "civilize them."

Kelvin congratulates Keefe on his leadership, then says  "I'll meet you in the steam showers, but bring Titus and Odd Chris.  I could smell them during worship."  Every guy working in the hot sun all day will be pungent; in-universe, he is obviously inviting the other men so he and Keefe can each have a sex partner.  The leaders of many messianic cults require sex with random members.  

No one named Odd Chris appears in the cast list, but Titus will be the first God Squad member to rebel. Interestingly, in the Bible the Apostle Paul set Titus to Corinth to deal with a challenge to his authority.

After Keefe leaves to prepare the orgy, Jesse drops by to reveal his theory that Eli murdered Thaniel Block and the other men.  Kelvin refuses to hear it, and wants to defend Eli's honor.  "You ain't as tough as you think, boy!" Jesse exclaims, putting up his fists.  Then he sees the God Squad preparing to defend Kelvin, and backs off.  Messiah Kelvin has some loyal followers!

Junior Threatens Brock:  We cut to Eli at home, putting his bloody pants from last night into the hamper and watching a news report about the murders. Security guard Brock calls to tell him that Junior wants in.  "Tell him I'm not here." Was Junior his partner in the murders, or did he do the job on his own?

Junior blusters and threatens him, but finally he drives away. You may recall that in Season 1, Scotty flirted with Brock to gain access to the Gemstone compound.  But Junior has moved away from his gay-subtext flirting; he is pure threat. 

The Human Pyramid:  We see the God Squad perform before an audience of teens.  Kelvin introduces the strongest member, Torsten, who dated a "female" in high school before she tried to seduce him, and he had to decide on "his celibacy or his soul."  It is clear that by "celibacy," Kelvin means much more than avoiding sex with women.  You must reject the entire heterosexist trajectory of job, house, wife, and kids, the nuclear family myth, the domestication and civilization threatened by the "female."  The way to salvation lies in the beauty of male bodies, in homoerotic desire unhindered by emotional connection. 

But when they move on to a human pyramid, with Kelvin on top, it topples.  The House of Cards collapses.  Maybe it can't be all about the penis after all.  Keefe behaves like a concerned boyfriend, rushing onto the stage and embracing Kelvin -- to protect him from plummeting musclemen?

Kelvin Wants to Spoon: What follows is very difficult to read. Fans are likely to shake their heads and say WTF?  during their first, second, and third viewing. The showrunners want us to be unsure whether the guys are actually gay, of course, but that's been obvious since Episode 1 to anyone with a basic knowledge of queer codes.  The real question: is Keefe Kelvin's assistant and acolyte, or his romantic partner?  Are they friends with benefits, or are they in love?    

On the surface, it seems easy enough.  Kelvin, in underwear, is looking out the window at the God Squad below. Keefe enters, having drawn him a bath, and tells him that both Liam and Titus were injured in the human pyramid debacle.  Kelvin thinks that it's their own fault for being soft on the fundamentals and skipping leg day.  "Something might have to be done about Titus," he says menacingly, an action-adventure movie villain.  

Keefe: "I completely agree."  Note that he is not an assistant, or his opinion would be irrelevant.  They are equal partners in the God Squad Cult.  "But some of the others have been questioning their place here as well. That's the downside of assembling an entire group of alpha males.  As they grow stronger, they grow more defiant."  The men are not content with being mere objects of desire; they want autonomy and control. 

Kelvin slips off his underwear and hands them to Keefe, who helps him put on his bathrobe -- from behind.   He has to press his body against Kelvin, crotch to butt.  Then he caresses Kelvin's thighs instead of breaking away. It would be much easier from the front.  Why does he go in from the rear?  

When he is finished, Keefe walks over to the mirror, but Kelvin isn't having it, and moves in front of him to get into the butt-to-crotch position again. 

Their gestures and positions are blatantly erotic.  Kelvin is in physical and emotional distress, and wants to be comforted.  In a society where romance is forbidden, this is how lovers cuddle.

"Brother, what's troubling you? " Keefe asks. "Your mind seems dark and black."  It's a secret.  Keefe promises not to tell anyone.

Kelvin turns around to reveal that his Daddy may be a murderer.  Their faces are only a few inches apart, far too close even for lovers, unless they're about to kiss.  One of them must back up to a comfortable conversational distance.  Kelvin is right against the mirror, so it's up to Keefe to back up.  Why doesn't he back up?. 

We see here Keefe struggling with his desire to move the relationship from "erotic partners" to "boyfriends," struggling with his urge to kiss Kelvin. Notice that he says "Are we in trouble?", not "Are you in trouble."  He is not an employee, who could just find another job if the church went down.  They are romantic partners; they are in this together.

Eli lays down the law: In the next scene, Eli notes that Liam (Peter Kaasa), who was injured during the human pyramid stunt, is suing the Gemstones. They don't need another scandal right now. 

He tells Kelvin to "stop acting like a child" and "grow up."  It's time to "put on your big boy pants, and stop playing with your muscular boys."  Kelvin yells "They're muscle men, Daddy," but he has missed the point.

 Eli thinks that Kelvin's erotic play is immature and childish.  Adults can't be all about desire, about doing things behind closed doors; they need connection to the greater society.  His talk omits the usual "find a girl, get married, and have kids" part of the heteronormative litany, since he knows that Kelvin will never relate to a woman in that way.  But he still needs relationships based on love as well as desire.  He needs to be part of a family.  

Sorry, I ran out of space, so Titus will be caged and do the coming in the next section.  But I included a few photos of guys depositing semen loads to put you in the mood. 

Bonus semen loads after the break.  Warning: explicit.

Portugal: Braga beefcake, Porto penises, a gay couple, and a duke

 

When I visited Switzerland for the Nazarene World Youth Conference in high school, I met two guys from Portugal.  We didn't stay in contact, but I've visited Portugal three times since, and met (or seen) more hot/hung Portuguese guys.

An actor in Porto

Selfie

Arab guy from Porto

Closeup

Braga castle

Hot workman with wheelbarrow outside the art museum.

More hunks after the break

Obliterated: Do you want a review of "the worst movie of the year," or should I skip directly to the penises?

Netflix has been pushing Obliterated as must-watch tv.  The premise: an elite team of CIA operatives, spies, and ladies in bikinis, must deactivate a nuclear bomb set to destroy Las Vegas.  When they succeed, they have a wild party with naked girls, blow jobs, and drugs (but no one bothered to research the effects of various drugs, so ketamine and Ecstasy are hallucinogens).  Then they discover that it was a fake bomb; the real one is set to go off in a few hours, so they have to find and deactivate it while hallucinating and naked (well, the ladies, anyway).

 I have rarely seen such split reviews:

"A triumphant blend of exhilerating action, sharp writing, and humor"

"The worst movie of the year"

"A nearly unwatchable hodgepodge of nonsense littered with penises and explosives."  Well, the penises sound ok

"A lot of fun to watch.  The girls are gorgeous."  So maybe it's only fun to watch if you're a horny hetero guy?

"Female characters are leered at in incongruous shower scenes; they undertake missions in string bikinis."  Double yuck.

There are two gay characters: Marine Sniper Angela Gomez is a butch lesbian stereotype; and Trunk, a "big black guy" stereotype who beats people up with lines like "Smell my dick, motherfucker!"  Apparently he is outed in one scene, as a joke: "The big black guy is a pansy, har har." 

I know you don't want me to do a scene by scene review.  Let's just skip to the penises.

1. Army explosives technician Haggerty, played by C. Thomas Howell, looks like a sleazy, effete gay stereotype, but he's actually straight.

2. Jeremy, played by Johann Fitch,   His job is not specified.  

More dicks after the break

"Country Comfort" Episode 1.1: Is seeing Ricardo Hurtado, Eddie Cibrian, and Eric Balfour nude worth the pain?

  

Ricardo Hurtado, best known for starring in Nickelodeon's School of Rock with Tony Cavalero, has a perfect combination of face and physique.  I would definitely be asking him out -- if we were both single and he didn't include Bible verses on his Instagram.  Quoting the Bible doesn't necessarily mean that he hates gay people, but I'm not risking it.    

He hasn't had many tv or movie roles recently, so if I want to see him perform as an adult, it will have to be GlichTechs, Malibu Rescue: The Next Wave, or Country Comfort.

We'll start off with Country Comfort, which must mean something like "cold comfort." (something that is supposed to encourage you, but actually makes you feel worse).

Scene 1:  A rainy night in a small town.  We pan past a church (see, we're religious) to a middle class house.  

There's a knock on the door.  Tuck (Ricardo!) answers: it's Bailey (Katherine McPhee), a young woman with black hair wearing a black cowboy hat.  He gawks at her gorgeousness and says "Looks like they sent the right woman to do the job."  Did he call for a prostitute?

Bailey thinks she has been mistaken for a prostitute, and starts to bolt, but Tuck explains that he thought she was from the nanny agency. (He makes gross sexual come-ons to all of his nannies?  And why does he need a nanny at age 21?)

No, she's not a nanny.  Her truck broke down, her phone died, and she wants to use theirs.  But Tuck is so horny for her that he trots out his siblings for introductions: two little girls, 12-year old Dylan, and Brody (Jamie Martin Mann, left).  Wait -- he's 17 (20 now), and way too old for a nanny.  

While all three of the boys gaze at Bailey with unbrindled lust, Tuck explain that their mom died two years ago, and they've gone through 10 nannies since (do  they get tired of the sleazy come-ons and quit?)   

But Baily likes their sleazy come-ons: "You think I'm hot?  You have no idea how much that means to me!"  Two of those boys are jail bait, lady. 

Finally Dad, a middle-aged cowboy, arrives, accompanied by his blond bimbette child-hating girlfriend Summer.   (wait -- if they didn't need a babysitter while Dad was out, why do they need a nanny?  To, like, restore their joie de vivre, like Fran Fine and Charles in Charge?).  He's Beau (Eddie Cibrian, who played lots of lifeguards and teen hunks back in the day).

Beau asks: "Why are you so early for your nanny interview?" (Wait -- he's just getting back from a date, so it must be after 10 pm.  Why did they schedule an interview in the middle of the night?  Oh, right, the sex...)

Then: "If you're not the new nanny, what are you doing here?" Baily explains:

Scene 2:  Flashback to earlier that evening.  Bailey and her boyfriend Boone (Eric Balfour) are singing at a honky tonk, with a record producer listening.  We hear her entire song: "Dream baby got me dreaming sweet dreams the whole day long."  Ugh!  That's terrible!. And are they supposed to stare at each other instead of the audience through the whole song?

The record producer hates it, naturally. So Boone replaces Bailey with a boobalicious bimbette (yeah, that will fix those atrocious lyrics), and Bailey angrily breaks up with him.  Since they live together, she has no place to stay (um...a friend's house?  A hotel?  Let her stay there until she finds a place?).  She starts driving aimlessly.  Then her truck conks out right outside the home of a family that needs a nanny.  Well, it worked for Fran Fine.

Boone is played by Eric Balfour (below), who played many hunkoids back in the day.

Scene 3: Dad offers to call Bailey an Uber (to take her where?  She's driving aimlessly, remember?).  At that moment there's a tornado alarm, so everyone rushes to the basement.   Beau jokes about the last nine nannies being buried there (whoa, creepy! If I was Baily, I'd take my chances with the tornado.)  But Bailey is too overwhelmed by the love and togetherness of this family to be scared.  

Hey, there are musical instruments in the basement.  Could the family be...coincidence of coincidence -- country-western singers?   

Yep -- they join her for an impromptu song: "When Will I Be Loved."  The kids know all the words to a song that last charted in 1975?

One of the girls -- Cassidy -- gets upset because her mom was a singer, and this is bringing up old memories.  Beau tells her to get over herself.  Great parenting, Beau -- why not let the girl be sad?

Now Tuck is upset -- since their Mom died they haven't been allowed to touch their instruments.  Why not?  This family gets more and more screwed up.  Fortunately, Bailey has come to the rescue. 

Scene 4: Cassidy runs out into the storm.  Bailey follows her into the barn and apologizes for the "singin'" (of course it's singin', not singing).  I fast-forward through their heart-to heart, which no doubt solves the psychological trauma that no therapist has been able to handle.  And no doubt Mom will never be mentioned again.

Scene 5: Morning.  I fast-forward through this scene, too.  Obviously Bailey will agree to become the nanny, get the Partridge Family band back together, and start dating Beau.  And the ex-boyfriend will be around in some capacity.

Beefcake: Probably.

Gay Characters: Are you kidding?

Teens Out of a 1980s Sex Comedy: 2

Creepy Lines: 7

Absurd Coincidences: Too many to count.

Bible Verse Ricardo Quotes; Hebrews 11:12: "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."  This is like the motto in Kelvin's gym: "Harder, faster, stronger: saved!"  

Is seeing Ricardo Hurtado worth the pain of Country Comfort?: Heck, no. But maybe Eric Balfour is.  

Nude photos of Eric after the break.

Showering with Portuguese boys at a church conference in Switzerland

 

When I was sixteen years old, I was selected to join 500 Nazarene teenagers from around the world in Fiesch, Switzerland for our World Youth Conference

It was like Nazarene summer camp, with daily sermons, Bible studies, jump quizzes, and seminars on soul-winning, except we had afternoons and one full day off for field trips and sightseeing  We could go out on our own, but:
1. Don't talk to the locals.
2. Don't set foot in any Catholic church.
3. Be back by 7:00.

But every good Nazarene knows how to bend the rules.

"I'm sure the rules don't apply if we're going to save souls," my friend Annette, a delegate from Idaho, exclaimed.  "We're in a country full of Catholic and Reformed Church sinners.  Wouldn't it be great if we could plant the seeds of a mighty revival and win Switzerland for the Lord?"

Overbrimming with the "Faith in God can move a mighty mountain" and "If you ask anything in My Name, that will I do" mantras,  we decided to go soulwinning in the Belly of the Beast, the most evil, depraved site imaginable, a Catholic church!

But not in Fiesch -- we figured that would be well-traveled territory.  On our free day, we packed several copies of the Gute Nachricht Bibel, a English-German phrase book, some snacks, and a change of clothes, and took the train 2 hours south to Zermatt a famous tourist town at the base of the Matterhorn. Our guidebook led us to the St. Mauritius Church, which dates from 1285.  We marched inside to bring the Gospel to the idolators.

It was a Thursday morning at 10:00 am.  It was empty.

Disappointed, we stood around outside, waiting for a Catholic to come by so we could start a soul-winning conversation.

Soon two cute black-haired teenagers came by, wearing backpacks.  One was tall and slim, the other more compact and muscular, but they looked so alike that they must have been brothers.

Well, cute boys are as good as Catholics.  Annette, who had taken first year German, started the ball rolling: "Entschuldigen, aber sie hören,die gut Nachricht dein Jesus Christ?"  (A bad attempt to say "Have you heard the Good News of Jesus Christ?".)

They stopped, grinning, and consulted in a language I didn't understand.  "Keine Deutsch," the taller one said.

"English?" I asked.  "Francais?"

"Oh, Americanos!" the short, compact one exclaimed.  "Michael Jackson. Beat it...beat it...beat it..."  He gyrated his hips

They were 17-year old Joao (the tall one) and 15-year old Lucio (the compact, muscular one).  But we didn't get much more from their effusive conversation in their unknown language. Later I discovered that it was Portuguese -- I was taking advanced Spanish, but I didn't understand more than a word here and there.

We ended up strolling down Schluhmattstrasse with them, Annette and Joao in the front, me and a grinning Lucio  in the rear.

Lucio kept grinning at me and talking nonstop in incomprehensible Portuguese, interspliced with fragmentary English: ("You Chicago?  Al Capone big gun, yes?").

It was great fun getting so much attention from a cute guy with a compact, muscular frame.  I wouldn't figure "it" out for another year, but still, I kept wondering what he looked like naked.  Was he cut or uncut?  Was he hung?

Somehow we ended up waiting 20 minutes to get on a gondola weaving its way up the mountainside.

A gondola is a small car suspended by a cable as it sways 1000 feet above the ground.

I was terrified!  I clung to Lucio, who wrapped a muscular arm around me and grinned.  I felt his hard chest beneath my hand, smelled his cologne, and couldn't help fondling a bit.  He hugged me tighter.  "No afraid, yes?  I....I...uh...save."

But we had only reached Furi, the first cable car station.  There were three more to reach the top!  No way!  Instead we stopped at a restaurant for fried eggs, sausage, a kind of hard cheese, and hot chocolate, and conversation about "Rambo!  He very muscle, yes?  You like?"

Annette tried to explain that as Christians, we didn't go to movies, but they didn't understand.

Then there was nothing to do but ski down, walk down, or take the gondola.  In the flat Midwest, we don't learn to ski, and there was no way I was getting on that gondola again!

More Nazarene Youth Conference after the break

Christian Boeving: Fitness expert turned porn star turned movie monster. With a newly added butt shot

 

With a name like Christian Boeving, you expect someone from Belgium or the Netherlands, but in fact the bodybuilder was born in Dallas, Texas, and grew up in Missouri.  He began posing for muscle and fitness magazines at the age of 18, and is one of the most photographed people in the world, appearing on over 400 covers to date.

He's also a fitness writer, consultant, and spokesperson for bodybuilding supplements, though he has lost status in the industry after admitting that he had been using steroids since age 16.

He broke into show biz with a gay porn video, Posing Strap (1994) and a tv pilot, the aptly named Muscle (1995).  

Guest roles in a number of tv series and movies followed, usually roles requiring musclemen: Prey, Nash Bridges, Malcolm in the Middle, and Sheena.

He also continued his porn career in the gay Coverboys (1996) and the softcore straight Andromina: The Pleasure Planet (1999).  

Although Christian starred in a man-mountain "let's rescue someone in Southeast Asia" movie, When Eagles Strike (2003), his most important roles have been in sci fi and fantasy:  The monster Grendel in Beowulf: Prince of the Geats (2007);  Jack Stone in Apocalypze Z, aka Zombie Disaster (2013); Andre in Legend of the Red Reaper (2013).

More recently he has appeared in Bane: The Series, which seems to be about a DC Comics character, and Knight's End, which stars Kevin Sorbo. 'Nuff said.

I don't care for his social media sites.  Too many photos of Christian with half-naked women, too many dirty jokes, and some of...this stuff.  A guy holding a giant American flag doesn't necessarily eat at Chick Fil-A and watch Fox and Friends, but....

Very explicit photos after the break

Accident Man: Hitman's Holiday: The hitman gets a boyfriend, not a girlfriend! With two dick pics but no kiss

 

Almost all movies in general, and 100% of action-adventure movies with male leads, feature a heterosexual romance.  It's as if the car chases and ninja fights are just there to distract the teenage boys in the audience while they are being brainwashed with "girls are the meaning of life!"  So when the trailer of Accident Man: Hitman's Holiday showed not a single boy-girl kiss, I knew I had to investigate.

Scene 1: After what happened in London, hitman Mike needs a place to cool off, so he settles in Malta: "the sun always shines, the beer flows freely, and the Middle East, Europe, and North Africa are just a puddle-jump away."  He didn't mention girls!  He didn't mention girls! In 100% of these movies, they tell us that the third thing is "hot girls," but he didn't!   

Scene 2: He returns to his palatial apartment, grabs a beer, and is attacked by a ninja lady.  They fight for quite a long time, destroying his stuff.  Finally he calls a time-out: "You're paid to smash me up, not the apartment."  "Well, say the safe word sooner." If she is his girlfriend, I'm leaving.  Sometimes they trick you by leaving the kisses out of the trailer, but sneaking in a hetero-romance anyway.  

Mike explains: she's the best martial artist in the world.  He saw her working as a waitress ia dive bar., beating up rowdy types, and offered her a job breaking in at random times to beat him up.  No sex scene! 

Scene 3:  Mike muses that he deserves a beating after he what he did to his mates back in England. He deserves to be alone: "no one to let me down or get in my way."

That night, he runs into his friend Fred, who specializes in retrofitting household objects to kill, setting some toughs on fire.  See, he's in love with a girl he met online.  After he sent her 50 grand, she vanished.  But one of his associates spotted her at a bar in Malta, so here he is.

Scene 4: Mike invites Fred back to his place to hide from the cops.  He tries to explain about internet scams.

Scene 5: Mike goes to work on his next job: an old guy who never leaves his apartment.  But he does go out onto his balcony to water his flowers, so.... a bouncing head, and Mike inviting Fred to stay on as his assistant: "there are a lot of people who need killing in this corner of the world."

Montage of the guys playing pool, sleeping in separate rooms, working on a job, and laughing, with the background song telling us: "It's a romance, it's a fine bromance/ It's a beautiful thing, it's a real cool thing/ Buddies won't let you down."

Mike: "For the first time in a long time, if you saw my face, you might actually think I was happy."

Scene 6: The next job involves Fred pretending to be a woman and offering the target a blow job, so he can get into position for the hit.  Wait -- Mike kills him before Fred even gets his cock out of his pants!  "Dang it, Mike, you cut up on a bit of fun!!  He was a good kisser, though."  Maybe Mike will let you suck him, to make up for it.

Scene 7: The guys move into a new headquarters, with space to experiment with new killing techniques. 

Cut to Ninja Lady attacking.  Fred complains that they would get more work done if Mike didn't have to get beat up after every job.  "Couldn't you just crank one out?" Nope, masturbation doesn't alleviate the guilt.  If killing people makes you feel guilty, maybe you chose the wrong carer path. 

Ninja Lady offers to help Fred look for his missing girlfriend, and Mike gets all jealous. "It's a scam, I'm telling you.  Forget about her."

Scene 8: Next job: Fred calls the target on the telephone, so he'll be in the right position for the ceiling to collapse, and the bath tub from the apartment above him to crush him.  His m.o. is making the hits look like accidents!

Scene 9: Uh-oh, the guys are kidnapped by Armando.  Mike insults him, and gets beat up.  Armando: "We made you and your knickyknacky (boyfriend) very wealthy! Show some respect!" Then the big boss, Mrs. Zuuzer, The Wrath of Hades, introduces them to her son Dante:  He was educated in the best schools, but he still turned into a "pathetic drug addled delinquent mess."  

Last week someone tried to kill him, using Mike's m.o. of colorful, weird "accidents."  The guys have an alibi: they were out celebrating Mike's birthday.

Ok, so she wants to Mike find whoever put the contract out, and kill them.  Mike offers to take the job for three times the usual rate, but she has a better idea: if you fail, we'll kill your boyfriend. Saving a boyfriend, not a girlfriend?  I'm in.

More gay subtexts after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.2 Kelvin clenches, Keefe dances, and everybody flirts with Eli. With proof that everything is bigger in Texas.

Previous:  Episode 2.1, Continued: Keefe's kiss, Kelvin's boner, and a thug with broken thumbs. With Jonah Hauer-King and a proper erection bonus

In Episode 2.1, while we establish the Kelvin/Keefe, Judy/BJ, and Jesse/Amber conflicts of the season, Eli's old friend Junior stops by, and acts very much like an ex-lover.  They go out to dinner and beat up a tough.  Now we see the aftermath.

Title: "After I Leave, Savage Wolves will Come."  In Acts 20.29. Paul tells the Ephesians that after he leaves, savage wolves or false teachers will tear the flock apart. So, who is the wolf invading the Gemstones' lives?

Eli Gemstone indicted! Thaniel Block sits on the porch of his rental house in the South Carolina woods, reading some news stories from 1993: Gemstone Family Studios to close due to "a financial and rumors of  sexual scandals," with $4 million missing.  Another article: "Eli Gemstone indicted on charges of fraud and conspiracy." But Episode 2.5 takes place at Christmas 1993.  When did all this happen? Geezer Tim drops by to criticize him for living in New York and having a "nasty attitude." 

A Hot Piece of Tail: Judy and BJ visit Eli to ask him to officiate in BJ's baptism.  They find him asleep on the couch in the parlor. Junior enters and asks "Who's this hot piece of tail?"  He's actually looking at BJ, but Eli assumes that he means Judy and says that she is his daughter.  He apologizes and asks if BJ is her lesbian partner. BJ starts to answer, but Judy cuts him off: "He's big-dicking you."

There are several takeaways here.  First, Eli and Junior did not sleep together; Eli fell asleep on the couch. Weren't there any guest rooms in his mansion? 

Second, check out Junior's magenta bathrobe, jaunty hand on him, and pinky ring: he is deliberately presenting as queer.   

Third, Eli may have mentioned that one of his children is gay, and Junior forgot which.

Execretions and Hep C Loads:  After Junior heads to the kitchen to make coffee, Judy wants to know what's going on.  Eli tells her that "things got a little carried away last night," which she interprets to mean that they are having rough sex.  He grimaces in disgust, but plays along to mess with her.  

Her main criticism is that Junior is unattractive: "I always hoped that if you were gonna yank a pole, it would be someone hot."  So Judy has considered the possibility that Eli is bisexual for a long time. 

She states that the "hookup" signifies that Eli doesn't care about his family.  Remember that Jesse likewise complains that Kelvin "popping boners" with the muscle men is "selfish, not helping the family."  But it's not just gay sex; on this show, having a partner of any sort is framed as a betrayal.  The family is aghast when Judy wants to move off the Compound with BJ; Baby Billy is still hurt over his sister Aimee-Leigh "leaving him" to marry Eli.  

As they storm out, Judy cautions BJ to not touch anything, as there are probably execretions and Hep C loads everywhere.  This is a call back to Abraham leaving his semen everywhere in Jesse's house, plus an awareness that Hepatitus C can easily spread through anal sex, so it is particularly common in gay communities.

Good Sniffer Seats: After they leave, Eli joins Junior on the back patio, overlooking the reflecting pool that leads to Aimee-Leigh's shrine.  Eli invites him to church, but he worries about the cost.  Junior avers that he's been to enough strip joints to know that you have to pay for the "good sniffer seats."  I can't find the term "sniffer seat" defined anywhere, but I guess that it's a seat close enough to the stage to smell the performers.  There are male strip clubs, but he's probably referencing a lady's club, being a hetero horn dog, backing off from the implication of same-sex activity. 

But not entirely: Eli offers to reserve a good seat for him, and the guys hold hands!

On closer examination, it turns out to be a man and a woman holding hands. We have cut to a scene involving Jesse and Amber's marital advice group. But it is so abrupt that the misdirection must be intentional.  The man is even wearing a shirt the same color as Junior's robe.

After the group meeting, Matthew and Chad ask why Jesse's old crew isn't hanging out together anymore.  This is all marital stuff, heterosexual nuclear family stuff; what happened to the band of brothers, savage and free?  Gregory explains; "I love you guys, but happy wife, happy life." You must abandon same-sex loves for heterosexual destiny.

You Got a Hound Dog Here: Cut to Thaniel visiting the Salvation Center, where he admits that he has sexual-scandal dirt on Aimee-Leigh, gathered from household staff.  Well, at least Kelvin is off the hook.

The World's Most Famous Christian: Next, Jesse and Amber visit the Lissons in Texas for a party to celebrate the proposed Zion's Landing resort. Joe Jonas, the World's Most Famous Christian, leads everyone in a line dance.  He proclaims his heterosexuality, singing about the "beautiful girls" he's been with while wearing a formless leopard robe and pink bandana, the antithesis of Kelvin's tiger jacket and porn-star-bulging jeans. Desire for women un-mans a man, renderng him soft and sickly; only in the manly love of comrads can a man be strong and free.

Keefe dances: At church, they welcome those who have found God in the past month, including BJ. He has always been a non-believer before; it is unclear whether he has actually had a "born again" experience, or is just pretending to be accepted by the family.  

The welcome is framed as a heterosexual union, with Judy hugging BJ and Kelvin grudgingly hugging a female convert. He's disgusted by touching "females," even as part of his job.  Meanwhile, on a balcony far removed from the stage, Keefe leads the God Squad in a dance, invisible, ignored, forever cut off from heterosexual practice, forever cut off from the family.  

Nude Texas dudes after the break

The Naked Thugs: Danny McBride thinks we "won't like these dicks." Is that even possible? With chubby guy bonus.

Commenting on the frequent male nudity in the first season of The Righteous Gemstones, Edie Patterson said "We're not gay baiting" (using the term wrong), and Danny McBride (Jesse) claimed that gay men "won't like these dicks." 

Nonsense.  All dicks are beautiful. Big, small, thick, thin, micro, they all draw us toward the power and promise of the male body.  

And the rest of these guys ain't bad, either.

They are a group of thugs hired in Episode 1.3 to take down Eli by destroying his satellite church.  He gets the upper hand and humiliates them by forcing them to run naked through the shopping mall.  

1. Casey Hendershott (top photo), who has played a variety of mobsters, bouncers, rednecks, serial killers, and miscellaneous miscreants.  He didn't show us his junk, but his physique more than makes up for it.

2. Zach Osterman, a Savannah, Georgia-based actor who appeared on Danny McBride's previous show Vice Principals. He's an avid cosplayer, gamer, comic book fan, ghost-tour guide, and pizza expert.  Some people with his physique get fat-shamed and size-shamed, so it took a very positive self image for him to agree to bare it all for Gemstones viewers.  

It was worth it.  He's easily the cutest of the trio.

3. Justin Matthew Smith, who has 29 acting credits on the IMDB, plus a special thanks for the short The Runner.  Nothing wrong with his dick.

The Running of the Butts.  The guys and some extras are forced to run through the mall nude, as the shoppers all laugh at them.

Why is male nudity assumed humorous for the viewer and humiliating for the subject?  If I saw one of these guys running through the mall, I would not be laughing.

 

Bonus chubby guys after the break

The Mick, Episode 1.12: Strong gay subtext and ample beefcake in this gloomfest. Dick and butt shots do not help.

 

The Mick (2017-2019) was a Fox sitcom (and you know what that means: raunch) starring Kaitlyn Olson of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (and you know what that means: raunch).A low-life grifter, she becomes the guardian of her upscale sister's kids after the parents flee the country to avoid a federal prosecution.  It doesn't sound like my cup of tea, but Episode 1.2, "The Wolf," features both Scotty McArthur and Andy Favreau, who are definitely my cup of tea, so let's review. 

Scene 1: Mick: "You've never sucked anything before."  Her boyfriend Jimmy (Scotty McArthur): "I'm sucking as hard as I can, ok?" Mick: "It's not coming!  Suck harder!" Actually, guys, a successful blow job is more about the lip and tongue act...psych!   He's not giving a blow job, he's sucking gas out of a car in a show room, so they can steal a different car.   Meanwhile, hetero-horny teen Chip (Thomas Babusca) impresses a lollipop-sucking girl by bragging about all the cool cars he'll drive when he gets his license.

Horny Teen brags to Mick and Jimmy about the girl he met on an online dating site; he's sending her money fo air fare so she can fly over from Russia for a visit.  Scam!  The grown-ups laugh at him.  "You know nothing about the real world."

Scene 2: Mick, her young adult niece Sabrina, and another lady  drinking beer in the kitchen. Niece tells them that her boyfriend Kai, introduced in an earlier episode, is back from studying furniture design in Scandinavia, and taking her out to dinner.  And here he comes, in a muscle shirt!  But he ordered Chinese delivery instead of going out, which makes Niece angry. And he didn't actually go to furniture school, because the application wasn't in English. "Loser!" Mick exclaims.

Mick's boyfriend Jimmy comes in and starts eating the kung pao chicken with his hands.  Mick notes that he used to be hot, but he let himself go, "grew breasts," and became into a slob.  And now Kai is on the same path.  Niece doesn't believe it.

Scene 3: Horny Teen at the luggage carousel at the airport, holding a bouquet of flowers, while Mick films him for humiliation.  There's only one bag left: a long-haired blond picks it up.  Horny Teen rushes to hug...a guy!  Gender misidentification joke, yuck. Mick is jubilant: "Watching you being destroyed was so good!"  Hey, you're the guardian.  How about comforting the kid?

She explains.  The world is full of wolves and sheep. Mick and the Russian girlfriend are wolves, taking advantage of people.  Horny Teen is a sheep, getting taken advantage of.  But he could change, learn to be a wolf. "Sure, what the hell."

Scene 4:  In a grocery story for the first lesson: a wolf takes what it needs.  Mick orders Horny Teen to steal a bag of chips.  He hides a bag under his shirt, and immediately is caught by the security guard.  

Out in the parking lot, Mick is eating the fried chicken that she stole.  She was using Horny Teen as a distraction!  Lesson 2: Never trust another wolf.

Scene 5: Kai and Jimmy bonding in a sauna.  Jimmy: "Turns out he was Mormon all along."  You discussing an old boyfriend, dude?  Niece enters and wonders what they are up to.  "We got a friendship cooking."  Tell me more....

She asks Kai about his goals for the future. "Nothing, just hanging out with Jimmy...and you, of course."  "Well, get some goals, or people will think you're a loser."

Scene 6: Off-track betting joint. Next lesson: how to spot a sheep.  Horny Teen suggests the guy waving money around like a jackass. The scam: you get mussed up, slip your wallet into the guy's pocket, and claim that he mugged you for your winning ticket.  The haul is $38 -- but they also ruined a $1,000 suit and sent a guy to jail!

Left: Andy's dick

Scene 7: Back home, Horny Teen is done -- this is totally immoral! Besides -- his online girlfriend is here!  She was detained by ICE, and she didn't have a cell phone to call on.  Horny Teen gives her some money for a cell phone and asks the maid to make up the guest room for her. Don't you, like, want to have sex with her?  Mick isn't buying it: she's a wolf.  The scam is continuing.

Scene 8: Kai in a towel, getting ready for a meeting.  "Oh boy," Niece thinks, "He's looking for a job!"  Nope, his meeting is with Jimmy -- also in a towel -- about their new business.  Women like hot guys, and they can't fix anything around the house, so Stud Nailers, shirtless household repair.  Hey, that's sexist and heteronormative!  Lots of ladies can fix things, and lots of guys like hot guys.  

They hug: "Having a business partner who's also a friend takes off a lot of the pressure." Aww, why don't you kiss him?  Oh, right, your girlfriend is there. "Now let's go hit that sauna."  Butt grab.  Gay subtext just turned into text.

Scene 9: Dinner: pizza. Jimmy and Kai found a van for the Stud Nailers business. Good idea.  Photos of shirtless guys with big..um...hammers.  The Horny Teen's Girlfriend suggests a web show.  Also a good idea: Actually, that show already exists: "Flip the Strip."  

Niece tries to discourage them.  What's her problem? Does she think that the guys are actually having sex?

Next: Mick asks the Girlfriend about her intentions.  What does a wolf like her want with a sheep like Horny Teen?  Reveal: She likes him because he is a sheep, kind and gentle.  "He will neve hurt me."Aww. She's had to do a lot of things to survive.  

Jimmy: "We've all had to do things to survive."  Tell us about your hustler days, dude. 

There are two more nude photos after the break.  Plus the most disgusting concluding scene in television history.