"Waterloo Road," Episode 10.1 or 14.1, "What I did last summer," with a new headmaster, a side piece, dark secrets, and dicks.

 Amazon Prime recommends its new teen soap, Waterloo Road, set in a private school in Manchester, England, but they are lying.  When I was looking for Adam Thomas, who plays a private school student in Episode 1.1, I found a  "where are they now" article and a nude photo (after the break) of someone in his thirties.

Turns out that it's not produced by Amazon, and it's not new.  It premiered on BBC 1 in 2006, and it is now in Season 14 according to the IMDB, and Season 10 according to Amazon.  That's not just a misdirection, it's two outright lies.  Would you like to read my new novel, "Wuthering Heights"?  I didn't write it, and it came out in 1847, but I just bought a copy, so it's new, and it's mine.

But with those two misunderstandings (lies!) cleared up, I could use some British blokes' bums, so let's go with Episode 10.1 (2024) according to Amazon, or 14.1 (2014) according to the IMDB.

Scene 1: In a kitchen full of boxes, Mr. Absurdly Horny,  who is about 90 years old, asks if his suit is ok.  His wife, also around 90,  calls him "sexy" and kisses him.  He's the new headmaster, and she's an art teacher.  She is concerned that the other teachers will think she got the job just because she having sex with him, but he insists that he hired her because she was the sexiest...um, best qualified...applicant.  They kiss another 15 times. Ok, they're heterosexual, I get it.  Can we move on?  I'm already running low on time due to watching the first 15 minutes of Episode 1.1 before figuring out the Amazon misdirections (lies!).

Fortunately, their teenage great-grandchildren come in.  Will they hose the hypersexual oldsters down?

No such luck.  "We're going out to dinner so go wait in the car while your great-grandmother and I grind our body parts together and try to swallow each other's faces."  And they do.

It's 10.1, 2014.  Leo Flanagan, who plays teenage great-grandson Floyd, is now a grown adult with a basket.

Scene 2:  They were lying about going to dinner (learning from Amazon?): all four of them arrive at Waterloo Road School.  Only twelve more goodbye kisses.

Mr. Absurdly Horny parks himself in front of the school and says "Hello" to everyone entering.  They stare like he's looney, and I have to admit, he is.  Go to your office!  Kevin, who uses arm braces, can't escape fast enough, so Absurdly Horny grabs him and congratulates him on being able to move around without an attendant. Exactly what a disabled person wants to hear.

Apparently it's a new disability: when Kevin enters, everyone applauds.  Absurdly Horny, or rather Absurdly Clueless, thinks that they are applauding him. 

Scene 3: A blond woman asks another teacher, George,  if he's heard from the insurance company yet about the cruise.  Apparently they spent three weeks living in a literal sewer pipe. He's tired of her asking about the money all the time, and wants to break up. 

Scene 4: A student walks past garbage bins in the poor part of town and enters a flat with terrible wallpaper.  A woman sneaks in, having been beat up by her boyfriend, and he asks why she keeps dating abusive men.  She gives him some money for dinner and that.   

Cut to the teacher's lounge, where Absurdly Clueless welcomes himself and announces that he will be coming 'round to every class today.  He asks everyone to reflect on why they chose to become a teacher (liberal arts major -- no other jobs available) and why they chose Waterloo Road (was offered a job).

Oh, not just reflect: they have to go around the room and tell everyone why they became a teacher, and chose this school!  I hate it when teachers go around the room and make us say things.

Left: Tommy Knight (Kevin) has apparently grown up.  Here he lies naked on the slab as a corpse in Glue.

Suddenly Absurdly Clueless's wife shows up at school -- not the side piece he was swallowing the tongue of earlier -- with his two sons.  One hugs him.  The other, named Justin, hugs the wife.  Who died?

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Gemstones Season 1 Finale: Judy and Kelvin begin to heal, Scotty joins the family, and we say goodbye with some random dicks

Previous: Episode 1.9, Continued: Kelvin goes dark, Keefe goes down, and Captain America saves the day
 

Showrunner Danny McBride has stated that he wants every season of his programs to tell a complete story: no callbacks to previous seasons, and no cliffhangers.  By the finale, every plotline has been resolved and every character development arc has been concluded.  He also hates downbeat endings, so the season finale tells us that "they lived happily ever after"  

The Season 1 primary plot featured Gideon betraying the family, first by blackmailing Jesse over the tape of his sex-and-drugs party, then by planning to steal the Easter offerings from the church. He also betrayed Scotty by failing to acknowledge their romantic bond.  Secondary plots involved Eli butting heads with Rev. Seasons over his church expansion, and Kelvin and Judy dealing with obstacles in their relationships.  The finale ties all of the plotlines into a single theme: forgiveness.

Back in Freeman's Gap :  Church. In his sermon, Eli describes his visit to Aimee-Leigh's childhood home, where he interacted with her spirit.  Cut to a flashback of the siblings collecting the money that Baby Billy and Tiffany stole from Scotty's van.

He continues: "We move through this world, crossing paths with friends, family...and I believe that the goal of all that colliding is to make us appreciate one another, to find empathy." Shots of Martin, Mandy (Chad's wife), and Chad, sitting far away from her. 

Rev. Seasons is redeemed: Cut to a flashback of Rev. Seasons  (Dermot Mulroney) working in a hardware store (Baptist churches are autonomous, so if one closes you don't automatically get placed elsewhere). Eli offers him a job as pastor of the satellite church that Baby Billy abandoned. Rev. Seasons was a secondary Big Bad, but Eli stole his flock, so we are not sure who needs forgiveness more.

"If you're not rooting for your enemy's salvation, you are not in line with what the Spirit wants."  Shots of Dot Nancy and her parents, BJ, Keefe (working security again), Martin's wife, a couple I don't recognize, and Jesse's crew (Matthew, Gregory, and Levi).  Notice that BJ and Keefe are linked, structurally presented as the partners of Judy and Kelvin.  They won't begin sitting together until Season 3. 

Scotty is redeemed: "Aimee-Leigh knew this. That's why she wanted to help, no matter what."  Shot of the spirit of Aimee-Leigh sitting in the congregation, glowing in ethereal light, with Scotty beside her. 

He looks more bemused than happy, surprised that he has been forgiven, wondering how he came to be sitting here, after all the pain he caused Gideon and the Gemstone family.  Remember that both BJ and Keefe had to suffer symbolic deaths before they could unite with their partners.  Did Scotty, in death, become Gideon's partner?  

Maybe, in spite of his machinations, posturing, criticism, and threats, in spite of the hints of abuse, this is what Scotty wanted all along.  After all, the goal of the two schemes was to draw Gideon away from his family so they could spend their lives together. Maybe he couldn't admit it to himself, so it came out in random bursts, like calling Gideon "cute," taking him out on dates, and finally admitting, just before his death, that "you broke my heart."  Aimee Leigh helped him understand what he needed, what he wanted, and she has made him a Gemstone.

Baby Billy grifts: "For when you forgive other people when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will forgive you."  Cut to Baby Billy and Tiffany selling their new gimmick, pictures of his trip to heaven. I guess they haven't been redeemed yet. 

Kelvin and Judy start to heal: "How we navigate this life,  and each other, is what defines us, and what leads us on the path to healing."  Cut to Judy and Kelvin in makeup, getting ready to perform, smiling. 

Before this season, the siblings spend their lives crippled by the traumas of their past. Unable to believe that they were worthy of being loved, they sabotaged every potential relationship, Judy by defining herself soley as a sexual being, and Kelvin by denying that he was a sexual being at all.  In this season they found partners who loved them in spite of their spitefulness, selfishness, and general craziness, in spite of Judy's obsession with the phallus and Kelvin's fear of it.  Forgiven, redeemed, they have started on the road to healing.   

The conclusion and cocks after the break

Victor Rivera: Summa cum laude theater arts grad, LARPer, D&D player, stunt cock. With bonus Jesse Eisenberg butt

 

Have you ever  you started off knowing nothing about a guy except what his penis looks like, and found out about the rest of him later?

Don't answer that.

In Righteous Gemstones Episodes 1.1 and 1.7, a video of Jesse's sex-and-drugs party shows a naked Chad (James Dumont), visible from the belly down, walking to the foreground.  Victor Rivera is James Dumont's cock double, actually playing the naked guy.

So who is Victor Rivera?  I expected a Charleston-area amateur with no acting or minimal acting experience, displaying his dick as a lark.

But Victor actually graduated from Appalachian State University in 2013, summa cum laude, with a 3.98 GPA, a major in theater and a minor in art.  

After performing in communitiy theater in North Carolina for two years, he moved to Atlanta in  2015  to start his career on screen.

The results: 

23 commercials

A lot of shorts: Safe Words (burglars get more than they bargained for),  Mob Rats (a Mafia informant), Acting Out (theater arts major meets the Girl of His Dreams).

 Guest spots on Swamp Murders, The Uncanny X-Men, Good Girls, and Creepshow

The Tomorrow's Monsters podcast

The tv series D&Me, featuring Victor playing Dungeons & Dragons by himself.

Ten movie roles. The most prominent is Civil War Bearded Guy in Zombieland Double Tap (2019), a sequel to the post-Apocalyptic Zombieland (2009), starring Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg (left), Luke Wilson, and Thomas Middleditch

. 

Here Victor notes that in one week he saw Zombieland: Double Tap by himself, twith a group of Atlanta friends, in North Carolina with his family, at the Zombieland Scare Zone at a haunted house in Orlando,  back to Atlanta to see it with Peter (a boyfriend?),  then to a Halloween party where he wore a Zombieland costume.

More after the break. Caution: explicit.

"Splitting Adam": Tony Cavalero helps Jace Norman win the Girl of His Dreams. With the stars All Grown Up.

 

While looking through Tony Cavalero's work on the IMDB, I noticed that he had a major role in Nickelodeon's Splitting Adam (2015) -- which make sense, as he was a Nickelodeon staple, starring as the zany music teacher Dewey in School of Rock.  The reviews say that Splitting Adam is awful. and it's not on any of my streaming services, so I'll have to pay for it.  But first the trailer, to check for heterosexism and gay subtexts.

Scene 1: Jace Norman of Henry Danger dances with a girl, wakes up, delivers newspapers,  gets yelled at by a gay-stereotype poof and his pocket dog, gets cheered on by a girl, and gets hit with a golf ball. The Narrator complains that he doesn't have enough time to do everything he needs to do. 

Scene 2: Crash and Splash Amusement Park.  A swimming pool Tootsie Roll, Jace getting yelled at by Jack Griffo and his girlfriend, Jace and his buddy Amar M. Wooten in a dunking booth.  We see that hoary old cliche of the Girl of His Dreams walking in slow motion, waving her hair. 

Top photo: the grown up Jack Griffo.

Scene 3: Amar advises Jace that he doesn't have enough prestige to impress The Girl.  Shot of him holding a yellow barrel over his crotch in the swimming pool. Griffo agrees: "You can barely keep your shorts on."  Is that a sexual double entendre?

Left: recent photo of the grown-up Amar.

Scene 4: Uncle Magic Mitch, a professional stage musician played by Tony Cavalero, arrives in his purple van and shows the guys his new -- tanning bed?  That night Jace sees it glowing, investigates, and accidentally falls in.  Zap! 

In the morning, there's a clone in the house, fully self-aware: "I'm here to help you."  He cooks breakfast. 

Scene 5: Magic Mitch, not to be confused with Magic Mike, is happy with the clone because he made chocolate chip pancakes.   Jace's two friends, Amar and Seth Isaac Johnson, hug each other in terror.  

Scene 6: In the tree house, Jace's friends, whose sole reason for existing is to facilitate getting him laid, devise a plot to use the clones.  They each have different personalities; the Girl is bound to like one of them. Zap! Zap!   

Scene 7: Shot of Jace and two clones, in disguise, entering the amusement park.  Magic Mitch performs. Jack Griffo snarls: "To get to her, you have to go through me!"  

Scene 8: Jace's clones are: the Sensitive One; The Party Boy; Mr. Responsible; Mr. Perfect; and goofball Winston.  Montage of several meeting or hanging out with The Girl,  She complains: "Every time I see you, you seem like a different person."

Scene 9: Of course she prefers the original.  Boy-girl hug. Uncle Magic Mitch tells him: "That's where the magic happens."

Moral: Be yourself.

Beefcake: These are all little kids, but there may be some hunkoids in the swimming pool scene. 

Heterosexism: Of course. The whole plot arc is about winning the Girl of Your Dreams.  We even get tips on how to do it.

Gay Stereotypes: The guy with the pocket dog. Sensitive Jace, although he's obviously heterosexual.

Magic Mitch Questions: Does he know that the tanning bed is a clone machine?  Why is he the sort-of responsible adult -- where are Jace's parents?  Does he get a girlfriend?  The movie probably clarifies things.

Will I Watch: Heck, no.

Grown-up Jace after the break

Willie Aames: Charles in Charge's Buddy goes to Paradise, shows his willie, becomes Bibleman and a platinum-selling writer

 

According to his IMBD biography, Willie Aaames is an award winning, Platinum-selling writer and producer/director and a 6-star cruise ship director. How does a book go platinum?

But he's best known for showing the world his dick.

He started appearing on screen at the age of 11, with guest spots in The Courtship of Eddie's Father, The Odd Couple, Adam's Rib, Adam-12, and The Waltons.

A starring role in Swiss Family Robinson (1975-76), which adds paranormal peril to the ill-fated island.

120 episodes of the sappy drama Eight is Enough (1977-81), as Tommy Bradford, the second-to-youngest son,  whose shtick was being hetero-horny, sneaking into the girls' locker room and so on, until he got his girlfriend pregnant and married her.

This led to the dreadful Zapped! (1982), with the nerd Barney (Scott Baio) getting telekinetic powers, and apparently using them to look up girls' skirts.  Willie played his horny best friend.

And Charles in Charge (1982-90), as Buddy, the bodybuilding best buddy of the college student turned male nanny.  His dialogue consisted of "Charles!  There's this party tonight, with GIRLS!!!  We can meet GIRLS!!!,", and Charles responding, "I can't go, I have to stay home and watch these two teenage girls, one of whom is my age, so why she needs a nanny is beyond me.  I think I'll just walk around in a towel."

The nudity came in Paradise (1982), a knockoff of Blue Lagoon, with none of the scintillating dialogue or intriguing plot (ok, I'm joking.  Blue Lagoon didn't have those things, either.)

But you did get to see Willie's willie.

I'm not usually into butts, but he has some nice pulchritude, and the penis isn't bad

More dick after the break.