Movies

A

Accident Man, Hitman's Holiday: Hitman rides off into the sunset with a boy, not a girl!

Almost Love: Almost good gay comedy about rich people's hookup problems, plus Scott Evans nude.

American Gigolo, 1980 and 2022: Frontal nudity and homophobia, or underwear shots and gay erasure?

The American Society of Magical Negroes: gay free romance starring gay actors

Angels in America: Tearjerker about Mormon angels, AIDS, and some 1950s guy. With cocks and butts to keep your spirits up.

Arabian Nights: Pasolini tells the lesser-known tales, with penises and homophobia

Asteroid City: Bleak play within a play within a play, with one teensy gay kiss and Matt Dillon's dick

B

The Binge: Skyler Gisondo's chest, two queer codes, some random naked guys, and a lot of queerbaiting

Bullet Train: Eleven assassins, Brad Pitt, and queerbaiting on the train from Tokyo to Kyoto

C

Canterbury Tales: Pasolini includes more gay characters and cocks than Chaucer imagined

The Cat and the Moon: Skyler Gisondo  has a gay-subtext romance on the mean streets of New York

Christmas on the Square: Disaster starring Dolly Parton, Christine Baranski, Treat Williams, and Josh Serrano, with some naked guys to make up for having to read about it.

Cruising: Homophobic classic about sin, degradation, and dicks in a doomed gay world.

D

Dashing in December: Campy Christmas romcom with gay guys and a ranch that needs saving. Plus Neil Patrick Harris's butt.

The Dead Don't Die: By-the-numbers zombie apocalypse, with gay subtexts and Josh O'Connor's dick

The Dirt: Motley Crue biopic with Tony Cavalero as Ozzy Osbourne

Down Low: Netflix bait-and-switch movie that turns a hookup into something dark

E-F

The Eyes of Tammy Faye: A gay positive light in the homophobic 1980s.

The Feast of the Seven Fishes: Most of the Christmas tropes I hate, but I liked it anyway. With Skyler Gisondo

The Final Girls: Psycho-slasher parody with two queer characters and Adam  Devine's bulge.

Fire Island: Myles Clohessy takes off his clothes, erases LGBT people from a movie set in a gay resort

G

Game Over, Man: Five minutes of Adam's divine dick.  What's not to like?

H-I

The Holiday Exchange: Immensely wealthy A-gays look for love.  Watch it with your grandmother.

Isn't it Romantic?: Adam Devine and Liam Hemsworth as romcom hunks

J

Jexi: Dull romcom enlivened by Adam Devine's comedic timing and penis

Join Kelvin's God Squad: Homoerotic video starring Adam Devine, Tony Cavalero, and Brock O'Hurn

K-L

Killer Heat: Modern film noir set in Crete, with 1940s cliches and gay teases, but no Minoan ruins

Love Lies Bleeding: Lesbian noir in the New Mexico desert, with some musclemen and bodybuilders

M

Matisyahu on Ice: Tony and Matisyahu's Hanukkah Gift, with dicks.  What's Hanukkah without dreidels and dicks?

Midsommar: Murderous pagans, Christian dick, and three gay subtext couples

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates: Adam Devine and Zac Efron's beefcake and bulges, but where's the plot?

N-O

Obliterated: Do you want a review of "the worst movie of the year," or should I just skip to the dicks?

The Outlaws: Adam Devine has a crush on Pierce Brosnan.  Don't you?

P-Q

The Package: A movie about penises, with bonus penises, produced by Adam Devine What could go wrong?

Pain and Glory: An aging director recalls his first crush and first boyfriend, with nudity and nostalgia

The People We Hate at Weddings: Two sisters and their mum find love, the gay guy doesn't, and there's just one penis

Picco: A lot of nude guys amid the brutality of a German youth prison

Pitch Perfect: Nerd Ben Platt, hunk Skyler Astin, jerk Adam Devine, and some nude dudes

Players: Romcom about a sports writer who ends up with who you expect, plus a bi guy

Please Don't Destroy. The Treasure of Foggy Mountain: Enough queer codes and dick pics?  With a random Adam Devine butt

Poltergeist: The gay connecton, with gay actors, AIDS awareness, skeletons, some dicks, and "They're he-ee-ere."

Proper Gym Etiquette: Robert Oberst punishes those jerks you see at the gym.

R

Reefer Madness: Marijuana hysteria, demonic bulges, a dinner date with Satan, and Christian Campbell's cock

Richie Rich joins a gym. With bonus Rory and Kieran cocks, and Kelvin Gemstone comics.

The Ritual: Guys lost in a bleak, washed-out woods, with desperation hugs, human sacrifice, and dicks from another movie

S

The Seminarian: Gay evangelical with an enormous penis looks for love, annoys his friends and the viewers

A Simple Favor: Plot-twisty film noir with lesbians and a swishy queen

Spider-Man, the Dark Age: Fan-based Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man doesn't get a girl

Splitting Adam: Tony Cavalero helps Jace Norman win the Girl of His Dreams, with the stars all grown up

Stonewall: The riot that began the Gay Rights Movement, with nice cops, a white Saviour, and some dicks.

Sun in My Mouth: Depressed Russian twink rides the subway, goes to the beach, has explicit sex

T-V

This F*king Town: F*king gay-free Hollywood, with some celebs that I hooked up with...um, I mean met.

This is the End: Celebrities left behind face demons, cannibals, and Danny McBride

Time Freak: Skyler Gisondo and Asa Butterfield as boyfriends who get girlfriends

Tropic Thunder: Danny McBride, a gay rapper, Jack Black's bulge, and a lot of wartime buddy-bonding

Underground Railroad: A gay slave rides a real railroad through the surrealist South

Vacation: Skyler Gisondo as a victim in a cringy homophobic scene, with adult penises to make up for it.

W-Z

Warm Bodies: A zombified Nicholas Hoult meets the Girl of His Dreams. With Nick Conddrey nude

 When We First Met: Adam Devine time-travels and bulges to win The Girl

Why Him?: Adam Devine hooks up with Griffin Gluck over discussions of jizz