Top 16 Gemstone Guest Stars and Background Players

Since we're winding down the recaps of The Righteous Gemstones, I thought I'd post a list of my favorite Gemstone extras and guest stars, guys who appeared in only one or two scenes, but still made a big impression.  

And a bigger impression when I checked on their other roles and physique photos.

1. Dakare Chatman. A member of Kelvin's youth group, and later the guy who buys Junior's illegal gambling operation.  The actor is gay.

2.  Blair Jackson.  The boyfriend of Dot Nancy, who Kelvin and Keefe are trying to draw away from Satan.  Keefe finds a used condom, and when Blair approaches, says "I bet that was his semen load."  Modeling and nude photos.

3. Jak Kristowski (left). Appears with Pontius when he is sent to the Citadel, a military college in Charleston.  Then his scene was cut, but he still showed us his stuff.

3. Braxton Alexander (left).  A boy who rejects the teenage Judy.  To get even, teenage Jesse pulls down his pants, revealing his butt and cock to the school.  And this is a humiliation because....

5. Ian Winningkoff.  The teenage Cousin Chuck Montgomery appears in two scenes.  I don't remember if he has any lines.  Cute but straight.

6. Cullen Moss (left).  The security guard who flirts with Scotty, and later is shown reading a muscle magazine.  Nude photos from another tv series or movie.

7. Gogo Lomo-David.  The probably-gay brother of homophobic rival megachurch pastor Vance Simkins. Gay in real life.

8. The Naked Thugs.  Three guys hired by the evil Rev. Seasons to destroy Eli's satellite church.  Eli captures them and forces them to run naked through the mall.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

You are invited to Kelvin and Keefe's wedding, with 10 new scenes and exclusive photos from the honeymoon

 

Here are some additional scenes from the event of the year, wedding of Kelvin Gemstone (Adam Devine) and Keefe Chambers (Tony Cavalero), on The Righteous Gemstones Episode 4.9

1. The cover of the wedding program.

2. Martin, the church accountant: "Once upon a time, there were two  princes who fell in love."  The family applauds.

3. Sola, the nanny for Baby Billy and Tiffany's children: "Alles gutes zum Hochzeitstag." (Happy Wedding Day).

4. Nephew Pontius: "Hey, Uncle Kelvin and Uncle Keefe. I hope you guys have a great marriage. Don't f*k too hard, ok?"

5. Nephew Gideon: "What Pontius is trying to say is, let your love... may your love be a blessing."  Looks like he is vaping.

Pontius clarifies:  "Let your love be deep and hard...deep and hard.  Best wishes, guys."

6. Kelvin and Keefe dance. Keefe does The Worm.  He lifts Kelvin in his arms.

7. The nephews spin around and blow bubbles. 

8. We see other family members: BJ, Judy, and Amber.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Gemstones Episode 4.9: Do Gideon and Pontius reconcile? Do the siblings die? Does Corey moonwalk? With some cocks to get you through it

Title: "That the Man of God May Be Complete." 

1 Timothy 3:17, ESV: All Scripture is inspired by God, so "that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work."   Sounds like the Golden Bible will play a role.

Left: Pontius spends nearly the entire episode hugging Gideon.  It looks like Abraham squeezed between them.  I can't tell which leg belongs to who.

The Duel:  The Cape and Pistol Society.  Vance Simkins bursts in, drinking, and everyone laughs at him.  He points out that Kelvin has defeated him, but not Jesse, and throws down the yellow handkerchief, challenging him to a duel.  Vance will have Pastor Brad as his second, and Jesse will get Eli.

They immediately adjourn to the front lawn.  Jesse is nervous, since he's a terrible shot. Eli suggests that he back out, but nope: "He insulted Kelvin and built mini-malls in our territory."  You know, duelling and challenging someone to a duel has been illegal in South Carolina since 1880.

Vance's shot goes way over the trees.  Jesse aims at him, but he runs zigzag, and then he stops and begs for his life.  Now Jesse deliberately aims away from him, but accidentally hits someone else.

He tells the group: "You don't need a secret society to be an impressive man.  It's what you do that makes you impressive.  So I quit."  Thus ends Jesse's plot arc: he's going to stop being jealous of others' success.

The Proposal: Kelvin examines the newly-completed treehouse.  "Great job, Keefey."  You've never once called him that, Bro. 

Keefe points out that a storm is brewing, and "the devil's piss causes you terror."  Nope, not anymore.  In fact, a lot of things don't scare him anymore: spiders in toilets, the old lady puppet from Mr. Rogers (well, she was scary).... and marriage. 

Remember, in Episode 4.2, Keefe suggests getting married, and Kelvin completely tears down the idea. Now he proposes: "Keefe Chambers, will you marry me?", with a box with an engagement ring.  They hug and kiss.  

This is the end of Kelvin's plot arc: he is no longer paralyzed by fear.  We still need a wedding -- hopefully.

BJ Greases His Pole: BJ is unscrewing his pole: "I thought  I needed this to prove how manly I was, riding this long, sleek pole up, only to drop down, my thighs squeezing it."  Um...BJ, it's getting hot in here.  

He tells Judy, "It's about to pop off.  Put your hands in position, right at the base...squeeze it tight...we're going to jerk it off."  Dude, I might join you.

Now that the pole has come,,off, they discuss the Monkey.  BJ misses him, and wants him back.

Cut to Judy taking him to visit the Monkey.  They end up reconciling.  I fast forwarded past that part: boy-and-dog, or in this case boy-and-monkey stories make me uncomfortable.  Presumably this is the end of Judy's plot arc, but I'm not sure what it was.

Lori and Eli: Visiting Eli, Lori notes that the kids like her again, now that they aren't dating.  In other news, Corey is taking the crisis "real rough."  He hardly leaves the house, and his wife Jana has moved in with her sister. Well, he killed Cobb to save Eli and Baby Billy.  You might expect some trauma.

Lori found some mementos that Eli might enjoy: A flier from one of her shows, a letter that Aimee-Leigh wrote her soon after the divorce. Hey, the Gold Bible isn't there.  They say goodbye and hug.  Doesn't she live nearby?  Can't they continue to be friends?

Later, Eli retrieves the letter from the box, but can't bring himself to open it.

Hunkoids on Crosses: Baby Billy goes back to work after his ordeal at the Gator Park Massacre. Everyone applauds.  He notes that he is happy to be alive, and God gave him the physical prowess of a teen boy to help vanquish Cobb.

"Ok, back to work. Work, work, work."  He doesn't seem happy as they set up the crucifixion scene.  He recalls his argument with Tiffany: "Is that all that matters to you?", and flashes back to spending  time with his family. 

Left: Another hunkoid, maybe Edge (Alex Matoussian, c*ock after the break).

Baby Billy stops the filming and announces "I quit.  Even though it may cost my nephews and niece millions of dollars.  Shows over.  Fuck tv."

This ends Baby Billy's plot arc: he has chosen family over fame.  

Alex's dick.

Gideon: Look at that cock!  Incredible!

Pontius: I've seen bigger

Eli's Dick Still Works: Eli is on the darkened stage where Lori sang at the telethon. He bows to an imaginary audience, sits morosely at the piano, and starts to play. 

Suddenly the siblings appear for a heart-to-heart: They're impressed that he can still "do cums," so they're fine with him using his dick, with Miss Lori or whoever.  They all hug.

When this scene appeared in the trailers, fans speculated that Eli was mourning the death of Baby Billy or Lori, or that he himself and all of the siblings were dead.

"By the way, has anyone heard from Corey?"

No, he doesn't answer their calls and texts.  They decide to invite him up to the Lake House.

Pontius Pats: At Galilee Gulch, Corey stares morosely out into the lake, then goes inside, where the talent show is going on:

Lori and Judy sing "Little Angel, Big Heart," which she mentioned writing with Aimee-Leigh.  

In the audience, Keefe is feeding Kelvin Hershey's Kisses. This will become important later.

Pontius has his arm around Gideon -- and leaves it there -- and keeps hugging and patting his shoulder.   This is a parallel to the Kelvin-Keefe displays of affection. After Season 1 dropped strong hints that Gideon was gay, he never expressed an interest in men or women after.  Pontius had a girlfriend in Season 3, but this season he is shown only with men, and the t-shirt he wears has only cocks on it.

They are in a masculine embrace, only the fact that they are brothers pushing away from identifying them as gay -- and only just barely.   

It's Corey's turn to perform.  He comes down in his Michael Jackson outfit -- the one Eli paid $22,000 for.  He moonwalks, grabs his crotch, but doesn't sing a Michael Jackson song.  Maybe they couldn't get the rights.

Uh-oh, Corey has a problem: the bank is going to foreclose on the Gator Farm, and he needs $7 million to buy it back.   They're all shocked -- you don't just ask for money, you approach with a business plan and a powerpoint presentation -- but Corey says "I killed my Daddy to save Dr. Gemstone.  He has millions of dollars, but he can't help me?" 

Jana tries to spin it as a loan, not a handout.  Corey tells her to shut up, and she finally grows a pair: "I'm tired of you talking to me like that!" 

"Then get the fuck out!" Corey yells.

Jana wants a divorce. "This is over!" 

The siblings push Corey into playing cornhole to calm him down.  Eli pushes everyone else onto the boat. 

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.8: We finally see Big Dick Mitch. Plus a serial killer, Pontius' boyfriend, Tyler's tree trunk, and tied-up guys

 

 Title: "On Your Belly You Shall Go." Genesis 3.14, KJV: The Serpent tempted Adam and Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, leading to their knowledge of good and evil, so God curses it: "On your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life."  I imagine that we'll just see someone getting eaten by a snake.  Or a gator.

A Homosexual in Our Midst: Fox News broadcasts "Vance Simkins Loses Control at Award Ceremony."  He yells "They let a homosexual in our midst!" and starts punching and hitting people before being dragged off stage. 

Jesse, watching on tv, tells Amber "I fucking love this."  Amber agrees: "He is a very negative man."   They argue about what role Jesse had in Kelvin's victory, but end up agreeing that he was important "behind the scenes."

BJ's Hookups:  Judy wheeling BJ and the Monkey through the park, complaining that they used to do picnics and hookups.  Now they can't do that.  So BJ and Judy used to go on Grindr and invite guys over?  Tell me more.

BJ wants to show her something: He can get out of the wheelchair and walk a few steps before falling.  Then a few more steps.  "I am healed!" he yells.  The Monkey is not happy.

Cut to Eli is sitting in the dark, looking at photos of him with Lori.  He decides to cut his hair.  Thank God -- he looked horrible with that long, stringy do.

The Monkey Smokes: Family dinner at Jason's, around a round table, with the newly cleaned-up Eli, and the Monkey bringing dinner rolls to BJ.   Everyone praises Eli for cutting his hair; Jesse quips that he looked like "one of those Shakespearean witches."  So we've moved from Hamlet to Macbeth.

They wonder why BJ hasn't returned the Monkey, since he's cured.  He wants to keep it.

Pontius and Gideon, now friends, want to see the Monkey smoke, so Baby Billy pulls out a cigarette.  Like Kelvin, Gideon has decided to be "true to himself" and not be straitjacketed by societal expectations about Christian youth.  

The Monkey smokes!  Kelvin and Keefe want to get one: it would be a great addition to Game Night.  So they have a Game Night?  Who do they invite, gay couples?

Uh-oh, the Monkey starts to masturbate.  

The Monkey Turns Murderous: Judy is taking a bath when the Monkey comes in and grabs a plugged-in hair drier.  Hey, that will electrocute her!    He comes closer and closer, while Judy pleads: "Please don't murder me."  BJ rings the bell, and he rushes out.

She goes downstairs, where BJ is reading a romance novel, Sunkissed and Sentimental (not real) , and watching Chowder (2007-2010), a cartoon about an apprentice chef in a world where everyone is named after food (Kimchi, Mung Daal, Truffles, Gazpacho).  I'm not sure about the significance.

BJ refuses to believe that the Monkey is murderous, so she spins it, saying that they should give him to someone who needs his help.

Losing a Pet: Happy Helping Hands arrives, with Amber and Brody, to take the Monkey away. Crying, BJ notes that the Monkey has attachment issues ever since he lost his mother at a young age.   "He was beautiful, and he believed in me."  I fast forwarded through the scene. F*k the Sadness.

Left: Brody is played by Chris Rubiez. a "dad/husband" from Roanoke, Virginia, "half Lebanese and half country boy." No beefcake photos online, so I'll f*k the Sadness with a bear with a similar face and physique.

Ok, we've had the Sad Scene.  Now let's try for some Comedy.

Turn My Water into Wine: The Nanny grills a giant sausage at the beach while Tiffany and her kids sit at a picnic table. Baby Billy was supposed to be here an hour ago!  

Cut to Baby Billy snorting cocaine, and then playing Teenjus, who has just turned water into wine.  Johnny B (Pilot Bunch) proclaims that this will make him the hit of the village party, and he won't be bullied for having a virgin mother. 

Cut!  No Virgin Mom in the script!  No ad-libbing.  "Say exactly what I f*king wrote!"  I wouldn't be surprised if Johnny B walks.

Baby Billy stomps back to the Director's Tent to snort some more cocaine.

Cobb's Invitation:  Lori is sitting outside her house, being depressed.  Corey suggests that she call Eli, but she refuses; "And why do you care who I date?"  Because due to the breakup, he can't invite his oldest friends,  Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin, to his upcoming birthday party.

Lori: "Invite whoever you want.  I promise to be on my best behavior."

Cory: "Great, I'm inviting Daddy."  Uh-oh.

Cut to Corey's party.  He's disappointed that the Gemstones didn't show up.  His wife sent an evite, so they had to have seen it.

The Rambo Blade:  Daddy Cobb, appears while Corey is barbecuing.  His gift: a Gil Hibben original knife.  According to his website, Gil Hibben began designing knives in 1957.  He pioneered the use of 440c as blade steel and was the first to successfully develop a mirror finish on blades.

If you're not a bladesmith, these details might not be of substantial interest, but what about this: Gil designed the knives used in the Rambo movies and The Expendables, and is the Official Armourer of the Klingon Empire for the Star Trek franchise.  He is assisted by his sons, Wesley  and Derek.

Left: I doubt that Wesley is actually posing for gay Silver Fox websites, but you never know.

Corey doesn't seem to like the gift; he smiles weakly, thanks his dad, and puts it back in the scabbard.

Next, Cobb wants to know if Eli and Lori have broken up yet.  Corey doesn't want to talk about it; obsessing over Eli is unhealthy.  Cobb calls him a "little bitch" and slaps him.  

"You think you can still do that?" Corey asks. Abuse in his past.  

"I just did."  

Lori is in the kitchen washing dishes and saying goodbye to the departing guests, when Cobb appears to hassle her.  It would be a shame if anything were to happen to Eli, like it happened to Big Dick Mitch. Several of Lori's boyfriends have disappeared or died.  Have you been killing all of them, for the last twenty years?

After Cobb proclaims that no "real man" will ever love her the way he does, Lori orders him out.

Later, while Corey is repairing the window that the brick shattered (wasn't that like a month ago?), Lori complains that Eli is not responding to her calls and texts.  "Do you think Cobb would ever try to hurt him?"

Cory responds "No," but he looks worried. Why would he want to hurt Eli after they have broken up.

Dance Battle: On the set, Teenjus and his buds face off against the rival dance  team.  The leader proclaims: "You ain't got what it takes...we got this dance contest in the bag." 

All Shook Up: I think the Rival Leader is played by Tyler Goodhall, top photo and potential tree trunk left.  Righteous Gemstones is his only on-screen credit, but he has been involved in community and high school theater, starring in Grease, Into the Woods, and All Shook Up.

In response to the challenge, Teenjus begins a rap:

God then gives him the power to heal "a cripple," a sort of parallel to BJ regaining his mobility earlier.

It is actually a disappointing performance, cheesy, with no beefcake but a trio of female singer and a scantily-clad belly dancer.

Baby Billy stops the filming and criticizes Eli, playing a priest, for not being gleeful enough.

Cut to Eli and Baby Billy at lunch. Lori calls; Baby Billy advises not answering.  Find somebody else, a "big girl." She's trying to warn you about Cobb's threat, jackass. 

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.7: Pontius and Kelvin have their nards threatened, Teenjus meets the Devil, and Jordanians show their junk

 

Title: "For jealousy is the rage of a man," Proverbs 6:34, KJV.  

The full verse, NIV: "For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy when he takes revenge."  Husband? I think we're going for Cobb as the Big Bad.

Left and below: Michael Sayfou, who plays Ash, Pontius' friend (and Abraham's boyfriend in my fan fiction)

The plotlines in this episode are not thematically linked, so I'll separate them by character.

Cobb's Story:  

We open with the gaping mouth of an alligator!  Various hooks, tools, skins, and Lori's ex-husband Cobb practicing boxing on a mannequin labeled "Feel the Pain."  

Lori drives up and yells "Nope!  We're not doing this again!"  She yells at him for trying to scare off every man she gets involved with.  She's probably referring to the brick through the her window and the car set on fire, but you never know.

He tries flirting with her - "You can't stay away.  Must be my animal magnetism."  But she says next time she's calling the cops. Next time?  I'd be calling the moment it happened.

Later, Cobb puts on a show at the Gator Farm. He rings a bell to signal "dinner time" to his favorite gator, the huge, ornery Big Gus.  "Gators are territorial.  Invade their territory, they'll bite you."  Uh-oh, Eli is in the audience!  The connection to Eli and Lori is too easy.  It must be a misdirection.

Cut to Cobb bagging up a toy alligator in the gift shop.  Shouldn't he have someone working during the show?   Eli approaches and explains that Lori is with him now, so "no more trouble." 

Cobb lays into him, noting that Lori has been with a lot of men since the divorce, and she was doing "sick, nasty stuff" up in Pigeon Forge.  He hands Eli a newspaper ad for her escort service: "Adult companionship -- wealthy men.  Call, click, connect.  First half hour free."

Ok, this has to be fake.  Prostitution is illegal in the U.S., so she couldn't advertise openly.  Escorts usually work from a standard client list.  You would neveer specify "wealthy men."  And what does "first half hour free" mean?  You charge by the act, not by the hour.

Cut to lunch. Eli asks Lori about the escort business ad. She claims that it's fake: "Cobb made up those ads to try to smear me."  There's not much call for 65-year old hookers in Pigeon Forge.

Eli also ran a credit check.  "You're broke.  You declared bankruptcy last year."

This makes Lori angry.  Accusing her of being a "whore," and then of being a gold-digger!  "Aimee-Leigh used to tell me how much you care about money.  I thought she was exaggerating."  She throws some money on the table to pay for her lunch and walks out. 

Kelvin's Story

Keefe arrives at Kelvin's treehouse, but the rope ladders and platforms have been pulled up, so he can't get in. 

Kelvin: "This is what cowards do.  They hide in their forts."  In what way was the round table debacle cowardice?  

Keefe points out that everyone at Prism is worried about him, but Kelvin doesn't believe it: "They're not concerned.  They just realized that I am a failure."

Tonight is the final event in the Top Christ Following Man promotion: the Night of Testimonies. "Nope, not going.  Now go away."

Cut to Keefe morosely turning off the lights at the Prism Prayer Room and puting a sign up: "No Prism today.  Maybe tomorrow or maybe another day or something."

The Monkey's Story

In the kitchen, the Monkey feeds BJ pretzels, gets him some water, and kisses him on the lips -- five or six times, yuck! -- while Judy fumes.   

Later, she is in her bathroom, primping in front of the mirror, when the Monkey starts flinging its treats at her.  Then it jumps onto her vanity and throws her makeup onto the floor.  She rushes out into the dining room to tell BJ what's happening -- he's cleaning the Monkey's butt.  Gross!  

BJ says that it's not a competition.  He loves both Judy and the Monkey.

Then he brings up Kelvin's round-table debacle: "Poor guy.  Vance Simkins is a self-righteous bigot and a homophobe."  Judy is angry with Kelvin due to his insults earlier, so she refuses the Monkey's suggestion that she visit and talk to him.

Vance's Story 

At the Cape and Pistol Society, Vance gloats: "Getting rid of Kelvin gives me a clear path to victory (in the Top Christian Man Contest).  He was the only real competition."  Plus, he enjoys hurting Kelvin, because it hurts Jesse. 

But Jesse counters that he hates Kelvin due to his insults from earlier, so "it doesn't hurt me at all.  It strengthens me."

Vance continues, evoking the Night of Testimonies: "I'm going to ruthlessly dismantle Kelvin -- if he has the nards to show."   He takes a meatball from Jesse's plate and, pretending that it is a testicle, eats it.  "Tasty."

Left: Kelvin's nards.

Gideon's Story: 

At the back entrance to the Salvation Center, Pontius and his friends, including Ash (Michael Sayfou) and Edge (Alexander Matoussian), are skateboarding and getting high on air duster spray. 

 

Jesse, Amber, and the kids arrive.  Jesse yells at him for disrespecting a sacred place, and Gideon agrees.  

Pontius: "What happened to you, man?  You used to be cool.  Now you're just like them -- a sellout.  Look how they cut your balls off."  

Jesse threatens to cut off Pontius' balls and shove them in his friends' mouths.  I'm sure they have been in his friends' mouths already.

He and his friends walk away jeering.  Jesse: "I hate Pontius so much!"

Cut to another of Gideon's inept Prayer Time Powerpoint presentations to an audience of a few oldsters. The powerpoint is on "The Lord's Divine Power."   It looks like he proved that God exists and is eternal, and that Jesus made an expiatory sacrifice -- all in 40 minutes?  And the takeaway from all that complicated theology: "Love one another." 

He concludes: "You can stay or you can go, but it's over."  Agreed.

Afterwards Amber praises the clarity of his speaking voice, but Jesse found the sermon boring.  Too much crammed in.  Make it simple.

Next Amber asks about his feud with Pontius.  "I don't know.  I tried being nice to him for a long time, but now I sort of keep my distance."  Try "love one another"?

"You need to work it out."

'But he says the most awful things to me."

"That's the problem with siblings,"  Jesse says.  "They know your weaknesses, and can fuck you right in the asshole with them."  It wouldn't be the first thing that's been in Gideon's asshole.  Seriously, why has this guy never expressed any interest in men or women since Season 1?  

Amber suggests that Jesse reconcile with his brother Kelvin, to be a role model for Gideon and Pontius. 

Cut to the freeway underpass where Pontius and his friends are skating to the song "Suck  my dick.  Suck my motherf*king dick."  Sure, no problem.  Who wants to go first?

Gideon appears in a suit and asks them to church.  But you lead Prayer time, not the church service.

 "Go back to Sunday school and start sucking Daddy's dick some more."  Sure, no problem.  Tell Jesse I'm free around 10:00.

But he takes a skateboard, steals a dude's sunglasses, and does some harsh shredding, proving himself an badass.  Pontius and the guys are shocked, and hug him.  Dudes, don't you remember the blackmail schme with Scotty?  The Cycle Ninjas?  Smashing the militia compound?  Gideon has always been a badass.

This is why Gideon was terrible at preaching: he was trying to be a "good Christian boy."  In every season, he is torn between Charleston and California, the life his family wants for him and the life he wants for himself.  I can relate, having grown up with a constant litany of "job, house, wife, kids."   Like Kelvin, he has now found a way to meet family expectations while being true to himself.

Jordanian dicks after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.6: Kelvin screams, Corey lies, and Cobb get his cobb bit off. With Jace Norman and nude Mongolian dudes

 

Title: "Interlude IV."  The Interlude is usually Episode 5, but this season started with a stand-alone, so it's Episode 6.  We're halfway through the action in the present day, with Kelvin's meltdown, Judy's jealousy over the monkey, and Eli and Lori dealing with violence.

The New Parking Lot: 2002.  Eli is standing before the County Zoning Board, discussing his plan to build a 10-acre parking lot at the Salvation Center, which would involve buying and demolishing neighboring houses.   He claims that it will  bring thousands of people to town, who will spend money, so it's a "win-win" situation.  Aimee-Leigh points out that they're also bringing in jobs.  The townsfolk growl and complain.  So am I.  Zoning restrictions?  How boring can you get? 

 The council president yells: "You may be able to buy out desperate people, Dr. Gemstone, but that doesn't make it right!"   She notes that the county board usually rubber-stamps their crazy plans, but not this time: "The crowd of people behind you is voiceless, and someone has to be their voice!"  

The plan is rejected, and the couple leaves in defeat. Aimee-Leigh wonders why they're even doing this ministry stuff.

Eli: "For the lake house."  That is, for the money. Um...serving God?  Spreading the Gospel? Helping people?

They walk out into a huge demonstration.  Someone shoves pies in their faces.

Writers: This sequence has no connection to the plot.  In Season 3, the Y2K scandal caused Peter's meltdown and enmity toward the Gemstones, but Cobb's enmity has nothing to do with the new parking lot.

Corey Defends Daddy: At the lake house, Lori's husband Cobb (Michael Rooker) is trying to water-ski, but Eli drives too fast, and he capsizes. His manhood challenged, he splutters and swears. 

Meanwhile, on a raft-slide, Young Judy and Jesse laugh at Cobb, which upsets his son, Young Corey.

Young Kelvin defends him, pointing out that at least Cobb is trying, whereas Jesse spends all his time "being bad, having sex."  This has resulted in Amber getting pregnant.  The enraged Jesse tries to attack, but Corey stops him.

A New Album: While Lori and Aimee-Leigh watch their husband in the water, posturing to see who will become the Silverback, they advise the very pregnant Amber that she should go inside and take a nap.  She refuses, so they discuss how much they dislike their kids until Amber gets tired of it and leaves.

Then they discuss recording a new album; they haven't recorded together in years, so it will be nostalgic.

Cut to the studio, where they are making up song lyrics while Judy listens.  Kelvin eavesdrops from outside the door.  Notice that his t-shirt says The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius,  reflecting his belief that he is a "boy genius."  The tv show premiered on July 20, 2002, so this must be a few months later, maybe in September 2002.

Kelvin Sneaks Teen Idols:  Seeing that Judy is occupied, Kelvin sneaks into her room, says "Hello" to a photo of Hayden Christiansen (Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones, which premiered in May 2002),, and retrieves a box from under the bed.  He draws out a Tiger Beat magazine with Ricky Martin (below) on the cover. "Wow!" Kelvin is afraid to let anyone know about his interest in teen idols, although he had no problem with a muscle magazine cover taped to his bedroom wall in 1993. 

He exclaims "Oh, my God!" at photos of Ryan Gosling, Brendan Fraser, Hayden Christiansen, and Josh Hartnet, and then stops at the Gossip Page.  This is important, as an interest in gossip makes Kelvin a real-life jerk.

Next  he finds Judy's diary, with an entry on a crush on her economics professor, Dr. Carmichael (in Season 1, she admits to sexually assaulting him, then kidnapping his son).

Suddenly Judy is in the room!  She chases Kelvin out of the house and to his treehouse (much closer than it was in an earlier episode).  He pulls up the ladder -- safe! -- gives her the finger as she storms off, frustrated. You're in the wrong, Kelv Baby -- that's your sister's property.

Recording:  Aimee-Leigh and Lori recording the song that Lori will sing at the telethon in 2024:

I feel so lonely, all on my own/ Running from the darkness, since you've been gone.

They take a break, and Lori reveals that things with her husband Cobb are bad.  The marriage is over.  

Cobb's Pecker:  At dinner, Corey is telling about the time a gator took a piece of his Dad's pecker off, and all he said was "Boy, go get me a napkin."  Lori claims that it was an improvement, because it doesn't work anymore.  In earlier seasons, there were frequent symbolic castrations.  This is the first for Season 4.

Husband Cobb arrives, drunk, and orders Lori to come home.  She points out that she's busy working on an album, but he doesn't care.  He tries to pull her into the truck, but Eli intervenes and punches him. 

"Ok, then, don't come home ever!"

Corey says he's going to drive his dad home, but he'll right back.  Wait -- if the Milsaps live close by, why haven't they been visiting all along?

That night, Jesse, Amber, and Judy overhear their parents discussing what they are going to do about Lori and Cobb. Jesse (J. Gaven Wilde) in his underwear displays an impressive dong. 

A day or two later, Eli arrives at the Milsap Gator Farm to ask how he can help.  Cobb: "Your wife is making it easy for her to act like me and her's life together don't even exist."  He notes that he's rich, but not into fancy things, and Lori likes fancy.

"Would you like to pray?"  

"No, I'd rather jump into the water with them gators. I don't ever want to see your face again."

Another song: Lori and Aimee-Leigh recording: 

I was lost in a dream, floating away.
 I'm lucky to sing with you.  
When we're older, I guess, we'll say
These were the best of times in our lives. 

The best times of my life were in West Hollywood:  Saturday night Mama's Family, Golden Girls, cruising at Mugi, then, if I didn't meet anyone, stopping at the all night comic book store; the gym that was half gay men, half B-list celebrities; Sunday service at the Metropolitan Community Church on Fairfax; the beer bust at the Fault Line, then tangerine chicken; buying every new gay book that came out at the Different Light; Hamburger Habit, the Greenery, Mickey's, the Unicorn....

Isn't that what The Righteous Gemstones is about?  How our lives today are affected by the memories of the past?

Cobb's Gator Farm: Close-up of alligaators and scary snakes, then the gift shop (Cobb sells "Gemstone necklaces," har har).  

Corey (Sean Ryan Fox, in bed with his Henry Danger co-star Jace Norman) is helping close up for the evening.  Daddy Cobb asks if he wants to stay for dinner -- he could cook some hot dogs --  but Corey has to go to the mansion and hang out with the Gemstone kids while the parents are out.

Mansion or hot dogs?  Gee, what a difficult decision.

"That rich bitch Aimee-Leigh done poisoned your mama's brain!" Cobb sneers.

"It's ok -- I won't even be with her, just with the kids."  He begs his Sad Dad to not force him to choose between his parents.

Cut to the Eli, Aimee-Leigh, and Lori getting ready to go out for the evening, while the kids are playing Monopoly. Presumably they've already had dinner.  Jesse is in charge.  "Just promise that you won't burn the house down."

Wait -- Corey is 26 or 27 years old, well into adulthood.  Shouldn't he be in charge?

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Gemstones Episode 4.5: The dirt on Vance, Big Dick Mitch, and Lori, with a nude Teenjus and Joey Stefano

 

Title: "You Shall Remember," from Deuteronomy 8.18: "You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you the power to get wealth."  The Gemstones have forgotten that God made them rich so they can help people.  Tonight they'll get their comeuppance.  

The Dirt on Vance: Vance Simkins (Stephen Dorff) examines his burnt-out church and glares at the Gemstone satellite church across the street.  Cut to a Simpkins Commercial with him and his siblings, Craig and Shay, saying: "Grace.. .Praise... Rejoice..Salvation."

Vance calls his siblings to his office, but Shay won't come ("she wants nothing to do with you") and Craig (Gogo Lomo David) is just there for his money: their parents' estate put Vance in charge, so he has to depend on hand-outs.  Vance gives him $10,000, and tells him to make it last.

Craig criticizes Vance for running the church into the ground, destroying their parents' legacy.  He keeps trying to open new churches when they're broke, just to compete with the Gemstones: "You can't admit you're beat, can you?"  

Vance protests that he's going to win the Top Christ Following Man Award. 

"You're a straight white man," Craig digs. "Your kind don't get awards anymore. Wait -- are you straight?  Never had a girlfriend, sweetie-pie."  Enraged by the implication, Vance slaps Craig and throws him onto the desk.

Uh-oh, a church deacon saw the attack.  Vance is violent, like Uncle Peter in Season 3 and Lyle Lissons in Season 2....he's the Big Bad of the season!

Vance had some queer codes back in Season 3, when he swished around with that tiny dog.  It would make sense for him to be gay and closeted.

Gogo Lomo-David is gay in real life, but there's no evidence that his character is gay.

Baby Billy and Kelvin in Decline:  Baby Billy finishes his screenplay about a teenage Jesus and his friends, changes the title from "Teen Jesus" to "Teenjus," and snorts some cocaine.  That's the Belly of the Beast in the Gemstone universe, buddy.

Cut to Kelvin and Keefe rushing through the crowd of queer well-wishers to a party to celebrate his Top Christ Following Man nomination.  Jesse, Amber, and Judy look angry; Eli, Lori, and Gideon look happy.  Abraham looks intrigued; Pontius sneers.  Abraham is the last of Jesse's kids to get a queer code.  I wrote a fan story where he comes out.

They begin partying.  Kelvin joins his siblings to gloat at the big turnout.  Judy sneers: "You're their little gay avatar."  Jesse: "You need to stop smelling your farts."  Translation: He's getting way too conceited about this award thing.

Lori drops by.  They criticize her for having sex with their father.  She promises to lock the door next time, and asks if they can start over and be friends again.  After all, she's known them all their lives.  Nope, "We reject this union."  

Lori: "All y'all little cocksuckers better put on your big boy pants and get the fuck over it."  Hey, that's homophobic, and at a LGBTQ event!  My estimation of Lori dropped 20 points. 

She continues: "I wanted to be y'all's friend, but if you want a wicked stepmother, I can do that, too."  

The siblings interpret "stepmother" to mean that Lori and Eli got married.  They are disgusted. 

BJ's Injury. BJ tries to make it from the toilet to his wheelchair, but fails and falls into the bathtub. Judy rushes in to help.  He complains that he can't even pee on his own. "I'm broken. I'm half a man."

Judy points out that the doctors say he will have a full recovery, but he refuses believe it. When she tries to help him out of the bathtub, he angrily yells at her to go.  

Amber arrives to see how they are doing -- they're both miserable -- and to give Judy a service monkey named Dr. Watson.  She works with a charity that trains service monkeys for disabled veterans (first I'm hearing of it)

Rebuilding the Tree House: Cut to Keefe using his carpentry skill to rebuild the tree house that got destroyed in the storm (he actually has a crew, visible in the background).  He swings like Tarzan from one building to another.  Easter Egg: The blueprints are dated 4/24/24. 

Kelvin exclaims that "it's all coming together.  A project like this tree house is exactly what I needed."

Next up in the Top Christ Following Man of the Year contest is a tv roundtable discussion: "A great chance to drop some dank soundbits and establish myself as a clear fave."

The Yellow Kerchief: Jesse at the Cape & Pistol headquarters, drinking and glaring at Eli as he talks to his friends. Vance stops by to heckle him for Eli dating Lori, and to blame him for bombing the Simkins church.  He threatens to "drop a yellow kerchief," challenging Jesse to a duel.  Jesse smirks and pretends not to know who Vance is, angering him even more. 

BJ and Watson:  Judy introduces BJ to his new service monkey.  She demonstrates, asking him to bring a Black Cherry White Claw (a hard seltzer beverage) -- and he does!  Actually, it's Citrus Yuzu Smash, another flavor of White Claw.  Close enough.  Capuchin monkeys can learn up to 200 words and understand complex sentences. 

The Dirt on Big Dick: The Gemstone Leadership Team, aka Jesse's Goon Squad, has been researching Miss Lori's socials, and found lots of photos of her with different men, especially Big Dick Mick, her ex boyfriend (although Matthew doesn't think it's very big -- you can't see the outline through his pants.  This will become important later).  

A newspaper article reveals that Big Dick Mick went missing on May 11, 2024.  Plus several of Lori's other boyfriends have gone missing, and some are just dead: drowning, car accident, suicide.  Uh-oh, she's a "Black Widow."  

Wait -- Lori started dating Eli last September, during the Aimee-Leight telethon.  These guys are dying eight months or more after she ended the relationship.  Why would she kill them?  Corey must be the culprit.

The siblings need more information.  Time to ask someone who knows Miss Lori well.

Teenjus Again: Baby Billy pitches his television show, Teenjus, to the siblings.  They don't like the name.  He promises to give them some dirt on Miss Lori, if they greenlight the project, so they agree.

The dirt: Miss Lori begged him to let her sing at the telethon, saying that she was broke and needed the gig.  Don't performers volunteer their time at those things?  And she immediately starts dating Eli.  Suspicious?  That's it?  I expected something juicier.

The Dirt on Miss Lori:  The siblings wait for Eli, discussing who gets to "crush him" first with their revelation. 

When he arrives -- wearing a ridiculous outfit --  they reveal that many of Lori's ex-boyfriends have ended up missing or dead.  Also "she's in debt up to her eyeballs."  Eli thinks they're just making stuff up, and yells at them that "Mama ain't coming back!"

"Us or her?" the siblings demand.  "Pick a side."

He picks the one that lets him have s*x, of course.  

Later, as they fume, Kelvin struts his stuff, bragging about his achievements.  Jesse thinks that his nomination for Top Christ Following is a sham, just tokenism.  Got to nominate the gay guy to prove that we're into diversity, but no way will he win. I remember when I was applying for jobs, I would often get interviews as a diversity token.  

Kelvin counters that Jesse is a loser.  Even his kids don't respect him.  And Judy, married to "a pole-dancing cripple."  Dang, Kelvin, you're a super jerk today.   They both get hurt feelings from these savage jabs.  "I hope you feel good about yourself," Jesse says. 

Kelvin turns his back -- no, he doesn't feel good about himself at all.  

Filming Teenjus: Teenage Jesus (Matthew Garbacz) complains to his sidekick Johnny B, aka John the Baptist (Pilot Bunch) that the kids in the village will never give him a shot.  Maybe if he wins the big dance contest, they'll believe that he's the Chosen One.  A centurion (Dan Auerbach of the band Black Keys) criticizes him for being a trouble-maker: "You're late to class."

Baby Billy cuts the action and asks Jesus for more "smolder."  

Matthew Garbacz began his career at age eight.  At age 16 he began touring as John Deacon in a Kings of Queen tribute band.  He has performed in Oliver!, Gypsy, Billy Elliot, and Les Miserables.

I assume that he is gay because appeared in Trust in Love (2024), about a record producer who comes out to his wife and son

And because of the way he celebrates Valentine's Day: "Tag the one you love."

And because he played a Queen.  Not the gay one, but still....

And because of his....

.  

Lori's Edibles: Lori and Eli want to give the siblings "some space," so they move to her house. Wait -- I thought she was living in Pigeon Forge.  If she's been living in Charleston the whole time, why hasn't she visited the Gemstones for years?

Corey meets them at the door: he dropped by to bring dinner, "Kung Pao Dynasty." Also, he left her edibles by the microwave.   Eli doesn't know what edibles are, so Miss Lori explains. Apparently he's ok with drug use now; he wasn't in earlier seasons.

Corey shakes Eli's hand and says "Have fun, you two," but as he walks away, he grimaces.  He's been killing the ex-boyfriends.

Meanwhile, Kelvin in a flamboyant costume is being photographed with the conservatively-dressed nominees for Top Christian Man. And it's time for the Live TV Roundtable.  

The full cast list is not in the episode credits or the IMDB, but I think the conservative minister being hugged by Kelvin is Chad Darnell, who is gay in real life.  He works primarily in casting, but he has 21 screen credits, and a lot of theater work, including the gay-themed Love! Valour! Compassion!, Forced, and Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

Plus some gay-themed screenplays and two novels.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Pontius has four dicks, and Kelvin is scared. With Hamlet, some German guys, and Casper the Friendly Ghost

 

Title: "He Goeth Before You Into Galilee."  Matthew 28.7 Mary Magdalene and the other Mary see that the tomb of Jesus is empty.  An angel tells them to tell the disciples that he has risen from the dead, and "he goeth before you ointo Galilee."  

Left: Since the Nanny is German, I'm including a few German guys, this one from Ingolstadt.

Welcome to Galilee Gulch.  Baby Billy water-skiing naked, extensive shots of his dong and butt that made some viewers mad.  "Why we got to see that?  Why can't we see Amber's stuff? Every man on Earth, without exception, loves looking at breasts!"  Um...you've heard about gay men, right?  

Then the Gemstones and Milsaps arrive at Galilee Gulch, a huge "lake house" on Lake Marion, about an hour north of Charleston.  Coincidentally, the house where they filmed is owned by a gay couple. 

Pontius complains;  Gideon tells him to not disrespect the lake house, and makes him carry a bag.  He says "Get a life, you dork!"  Abraham agrees: "Such a little ass-kiss."  Abraham has only two lines this season, both about butts.  Got something on your mind, Buddy?

Some cute attendants, who aren't in the cast list, take care of the wheelchair-using BJ, who complains that the whole place is inaccessible.  He'll be constantly complaining about everything through the episode.

Keefe wants to go waterskiing naked, like Uncle Baby Billy, but Kelvin doesn't want to hang dong with his uncle.  Then he forces Keefe to carry the gigantic trunk full of shoes into the house.  That's no way to treat your partner, buddy.  At least he calls Keefe "Sweetheart."

Baby Billy's Breakup Plan: Uncle Baby Billy disapproves of the Eli-Lori relationship -- we aren't told why, but maybe he knows something from Lori's past -- and pushes the siblings into a plan to break them up. The siblings point out that they arranged this weekend retreat because the lake house is full of Aimee-Leigh's things, and will certainly cause Eli to feel guilty about "abandoning Mama."   Maybe they can push things along.

They tell the staff to leave Aimee-Leigh's clothes in Eli's bedroom.  Angry, he calls "the help" and has them all moved into Kelvin and Keefe's room.  

Kelvin is pretending to read the complete works of William Shakespeare.  Another clue that we're in the middle of Hamlet.

The New Nanny: Baby Billy is being nasty to his wife and children ("Get them out of here!"), and expresses his hatred for the butch Germanic nanny, Sola (Kirsten Schultze).  So why not fire her?

Gideon is Gay:  Friday dinner. Kelvin, Keefe, Abraham, and BJ are playing blackjack, the others sitting around a kitchen island.  Jesse gets jealous because Gideon is sitting next to Eli, and they shared a joke. 

 Jesse is treating Gideon as a romantic partner who is cheating on him.  That is not really happening, of course, but it is heavily implied that Gideon is gay, for the first time since Season 1.  There are queer codes about Pontius and Abraham, too.  It's starting to look like Jesse has three gay sons.

Corey apologizes for his reaction to Eli/Lori, and brings in 100 pounds of barbecued pork. 

Jesse's Breakup Plan: After dinner, Keefe goes swimming (distant beefcake shot), and the others hang out or play cornhole.  Corey thinks that Eli is good for his Mama, better than Big Dick Mitch at the Benz dealership, who she used to date, or is still dating -- he's not sure.  

Left: Muscle guy from Munich.

Jesse can use this!  He rushes over to Eli and Lori and brings up Big Dick Mitch in "casual conversation."  Eli gets upset and storms away.

Later, in the bedroom, Lori claims that she doesn't know where Jesse got that idea.  She only dated Mitch twice; they had no chemistry.  Then how does Corey know about the size of his dick?  They discuss whether to keep it casual, allow dating other people, or "go steady."  Go steady it is. 

Dress-Me-Ups: The staff has moved Aimee-Leigh's clothes into Kelvin and Keefe's bedroom!  Kelvin shoves them into a closet, and then joins Keefe to cuddle on the bed.  

Dig the matching pajamas, except Kelvin's have legs, and Keefe's end above the knee, so you can get to his crotch more easily.

Keefe is reading an obscure comic book called The Zero Patrol, from 1984. Only two issues were published.  The hero is telling someone named Dedalus that "The Princess is still mine."  Daedalus was Keefe's Satanist friend in Season 1; maybe we're looking at Keefe's attempt to protect Kelvin from the Darkness.  Or maybe the prop master just grabbed something that had a muscleman on the cover and wasn't Marvel or DC.

He sets the comic aside so they can watch Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), the scene where psycho-killer Jason is shown worshipping the mummified head of his dead mother.  A parallel to the siblings' worship of Aimee-Leigh.  Kelvin gets scared and buries his head into Keefe's crotch (dude, are you scared or horny?), but Keefe assures him that "she's just doing dress-me-ups." .

Like a Hallmark Movie:  Saturday morning.  The Nanny practices her kung-fu. Baby Billy berates her again.

Cut to a montage of everyone water-skiing, while BJ looks on, angry.

Later, the siblings discuss Lori and Eli again.  Amber thinks it's like a Hallmark movie: two old friends fall in love.  Jesse berates her and insults her knowledge of movies.  

So far Jesse, Judy, Baby Billy, and Corey have berated and yelled at their partners.  These relationships are doomed.

Kelvin's Breakup Plan:  The family gathers for a performance.  Keefe is waving at the stage with a toy dinosaur, a shot which appeared in the trailer, making fans think that he and Kelvin had kids.  No, he's waving at Kelvin.  Why is a 40-year old man holding a toy dinosaur?

In a parallel to the play "wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king" in Hamlet, the siblings sing -- badly --about how Mama is in the house, judging everyone, disapproving of the "betrayal." Eli storms off. Feeling guilty, Claudius?

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 4.3: Keefe does stuff with the Devil, Vance is homophobic, and Kelvin is doomed. With a stunt cock and a nude Hamlet

 

Title: "To Grieve Like the Rest of Men Who Have No Hope," 1 Thessalonians 4.13.  Paul is telling his followers not to grieve "like men who have no hope," since they will see their loved ones again in heaven.

Kelvin Screams: 2002.  During a thunderstorm, an intruder breaks into the house, smashes a photo of Eli and Aimee-Leigh and some other memorabilia, and takes the gold-plated Bible from the Civil War.  Close up of a destroyed framed magazine cover promising "Hot Gossip" and featuring Brendan Fraser.

The intruder continues into the playroom and smashes a photo of the siblings and Kelvin's army men.  There's a muscle man in skimpy underwear, denoting that Kelvin is gay.

He lifts up the bed to find a hiding 12-year old Kelvin, who screams.  Notice the enclosed space. They will appear often in the episode, giving the viewer a sense of disquiet. The family is trapped.

Night Sweats: Kelvin awakens screaming from a nightmare.   Keefe notes that his nocturnal terrors and night sweats are getting worse, and uses a towel to daub him, but Kelvin insists that it was just a nightmare, and goes back to sleep. I'm worried about the night sweats -- when I was living in West Hollywood, it was the first sign that you were HIV positive -- but surely they don't mean that Kelvin is sick.  

Doing Stuff with the Devil, Part 1: Kelvin hates storms; it's like the Devil is peeing on you.  Keefe agrees, with a amazing monologue about the Devil pouring down his piss on people, who think it's a wine cooler or kombucha, and drink it.  He looks out into the storm and says "Your hot sorcery piss can't hurt us in here. Begone, Devil"  but the Dark Lord is already inside: Keefe has a no-hands orgasm.  

Doing Stuff with the Devil, Part 2:  Looks like that devil is Lori.  She finishes having sex with Eli in the bathroom -- another enclosed space -- and tells him "You're so bad!"  She is tempting him to evil, like the serpent in the Garden of Eden.

Then they go out to a family picnic.  We meet Lori's son Corey (Seann William Scott, top photo), who used to spend time with the siblings and thinks that their squabbling is hilarious, and his ditzy wife Jana (Arden Myrin).  

Left: a parody Sean Playdude cover.

The scene seems to be mostly ad-libbed cinéma vérité, allowing us to see the Gemstones in a moments of joy before things go very wrong.  Some takeaways:

1. No airport or shopping mall wanted to buy the Prayer Pods, so Jesse is humiliated. 

2. Keefe says that on Gay Reddit, they're called "squirt yurts."  This is the first time he has said "gay."

3. They make fun of Eli for being too old and uncool to attract women, but Lori defends him: "Looks pretty cool to me."  

Later, the siblings and Corey see Eli and Lori together, and laugh at the idea that they could be involved.

The Last Safe Space: On the way home, Keefe imagines Kelvin winning the Top Christian Man award by default, with all of the other nominees dead, weird.

They see that Kelvin's childhood treehouse is being demolished.  The Groundskeeper (Brian Sides) says that it was damaged heavily in the storm, and it's unstable, but Kelvin insists that they don't touch it. Another safe space gone.  

Left: Michael Rooker, who appears in the cast list of the episode.  We don't know who he is playing. Yet. 

Left: the Groundskeeper's butt.  Or at least the butt you get when you search for "Brian Sides" and "nude."

Burning Down the House:  In the board room, Jesse is mentoring Gideon by demonstrating church management.  His Leadership Team enters: the usual crew (Gregory, Levi, Chad, Matthew), plus Martin.  

Bad news: Vance Simkins, one of the antagonists from Season 3, is back, opening a  new church in a mini-mall right next to a Gemstone satellite church.  

Chad suggests burning Vance's church down, but Jesse is trying to be a role model for Gideon, so he takes Martin's suggestion: the siblings could perform at the satellite church, to ensure that members don't defect. 

BJ Falls from the Sky: The male pole-dancing competitition.  Nice bulge on the first performer.

In the locker room, Judy gives BJ a pep talk: "Eye of a tiger, dick of a horse."  A guy with a horse dick walks by (below).

BJ begins his routine, but then falls on his head.  Judy screams for an ambulance.  This happened much too fast.  We needed a number of scenes of BJ preparing and competing.

Is BJ Dead?: The family gathers at the hospital.  Everyone wonders why Eli and Lori arrived at the same time, suspecting that the two are having s*x.  Maybe focus on the crisis?

A doctor appears and tells Judy "I'm very sorry."  Ulp.

No, BJ isn't dead, but he's paralyzed, and will have to use a wheelchair.  Judy cries.  "What are we going to do?"

Tim Baltz's stunt double Ryan Mooney and his little friend.

More after the break