18 "Righteous Gemstones" fan stories: Kelvin with Percy, Cousin Karl with Vance, Keefe with Gideon. Plus Abraham, Pontius, and Jimmy Olson.

 

I never wrote fan fiction before, but I got the urge frequently during the run of The Righteous Gemstones, to "fix" terrible plotlines, expand upon minor characters, and respond to the incessant "that doesn't make Kelvin gay" fan complaints.   There are 25 on Archive of Our Own, but I've only reposted 18 here:

Before Season 1

How do I Know If I'm G...:  Pontius pressures his older brother, 16-year old Gideon, into coming to his sleepover.  He invites the "juvenile delinquent" Manny, gets his first kiss, and wonders if he is g___.

During/After Season 1

My Boyfriend and my Satanist Ex-boyfriend at Thanksgiving Dinner.  Kelvin wants them to stay closeted at Thanksgiving Dinner with Keefe's family, but his ex-boyfriend, Daedalus, is coming, too, and wants to get back together.

Is there Sex After Death?  Scotty dies in Episode 1.8, but Grandma Aimee-Leigh guides him through all the moments of Gideon's life, so he can forgive him for all the moments lost to pettiness and fear.

Kelvin and Keefe under the Christmas tree.  After the events of Season 1, everyone thinks that Kelvin and Keefe are boyfriends -- except for Kelvin.

During/After Season 2

BJ's Angels.  I envision Gideon and two members of the God Squad getting jobs as detectives in a Charlie's Angels parody, with BJ as Charlie.

During/After Season 3

Bondage doesn't solve everything.  There were several hints in Episodes 1-2 that Kelvin and Keefe were into BDSM, so I wrote a story where they guys break up during a BDSM scene, then reconcile when Kelvin arranges for Keefe to get a job as manager of the Gemstone Health Club.

Kelvin's Rebound Date with Percy.  Percy appears in just one scene, as an interior designer working on the church board room.  In this story, Kelvin is distraught after the Episode 3.4 breakup, and his siblings suggest that he move on...with a date with Percy.

Gideon Moves out of the Friend Zone. After the Episode 3,4 breakup, Gideon gets the nerve to ask Keefe out.  They have a hookup, but is that enough to move out of the friend zone?

The Kiss Heard 'Round the World.  The day of the Episode 3.8 Kelvin/Keefe kiss, seen through the eyes of Amber, Gideon, Eli, Judy, Keefe, and Jesse.

More after the break

The ten best "Righteous Gemstone" episodes, from "Wicked Lips" to the Season 4 Interlude. Plus the ten worst "WTF?" episodes.

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Pontius Gemstone, the Boy Named Stacy, and the Erotic Alphabet. With a special appearance by Gideon Gemstone.

Previous: "My Three Gay Sons and...ugh...Vance Simkins": A Jesse Gemstone Adventure, with Guest Star Karl Montgomery

A: Anal

B: Bondage

C: Cock sucking

D: Docking

E: Edging

F: Feet

G: Golden showers

Stacy awoke with Pontius' arms wrapped around him, his head on Pontius' chest, and his hand cupping his butt cheek.  Pontius was aroused, rock hard, his gorgeous cock rising into the air like a flagpole!  Stacy couldn't help reaching down to stroke it.  

"Mmm...keep doing that."  His eyes still closed, Pontius took Stacy's hand and helped him squeeze harder.  

"Sorry, I didn't know you were awake."

"I try not to sleep when you're lying in my arms.  I don't want to miss any of it."  He leaned up, and they kissed, both of them hard and pressing together.

"Good morning."  Pontius' gaze was intense, yet warm, comforting, loving.  

"I love you," Stacy said.

Instead of saying "I love you" back, Pontius moved down and started sucking his cock!  "Well, this says love, doesn't it?," he thought as Pontius' tongue darted around the head, and his lips moved up and down the shaft.  Or maybe it doesn't.  It says that he likes cocks.

Suddenly Pontius leapt out of bed.  "Be right back -- gotta pee."  He bounced to the bathroom, his cock still sticking out in front of him.

 While listening to the pee-sounds  -- why was that erotic?  -- Stacy looked around the room: New dresser, desk cluttered with books and headphones, a map of the world taped to the wall, drawings of car designs, a bookcase with mostly Matchbox car models, three dusty guitars that no one had ever used, a glowing neon P.  

Pontius had replaced a poster of a bikini babe with a muscleman because Stacy asked him to, and cleared a drawer for some shirts, socks, and underwear, but it was still his room, Pontius with capital P, in the house he shared with his brother. 

They met last July, when Stacy was shot in the Gator Farm Massacre, and Pontius visited him at the hospital.  Since they, they had hung out almost every day.  

There were movies, concerts, plays, Queer Youth Game Nights. dinner at Jason's Steakhouse after church, volunteer work, a Halloween Party, Thanksgiving with Stacy's family, Christmas with the Gemstones, New Year's Eve in Myrtle Beach -- yet whenever Stacy hinted at moving in together, or getting their own place, Pontius deflected, changed the subject, or bounced out of the room, and God forbid he say "I love you."  Did he think of Stacy as a boyfriend or a buddy? 

Sound of the water running, a towel being yanked, and then Pontius rushed out of the bathroom.  How was he still aroused?  

"So, what were we talking about?"

"Me on my stomach, I think," Stacy said.

"No, on your back. I want to look at you."

More after the break

Pontius Gemstone and the Boy Named Stacy: What happened after the Gator Farm Massacre?

 

Note: This story takes place about a week after the Gator Farm Massacre in Righteous Gemstones Episode 4.8.

July 7, 2025: Stacy woke slowly, his eyes gradually adjusting to the hospital room. The monitors on his left side, the nightstand with cards and books on the right.  The window that looked out onto the parking lot, with maybe a little green beyond.  A countertop loaded down with "Get Well" balloons.  Two chairs -- wait, there was a figure sitting in one.  His eyes weren't focused yet -- who was it, his brother?

"You're not here to tell me how lucky I am, are you?  Another inch, and the bullet would have hit my aorta, and I would have bled out before the paramedics arrived? God was watching over me, but not the 17 men that Cobb killed?"

"Hell, no."  Stacy recognized the voice...but...the guy slid his chair over to the bed with a loud screech.  His friend Pontius!  Well, not really a friend -- Stacy had seen him on tv and at the Salvation Center, of course, but they didn't really meet until he started going to the skate park last month, and they had only spoken a few times. "I'm here to tell you to get well, so I can get back to watching you wipe out your ass on the tail slides."

"Har-har, big joke.  Dude, you know you're a wannabe mobber.  Just wait til I get back to that skatepark."  He hadn't realized how much he missed skating, and jamming about skating.

Pontius grabbed Stacy's free hand and pressed it against his own.  "I brought you some chocolate Turtles, 'cause you know, you're into lizards, but they accidentally got eaten in the car on the way over."

"Jackass!" 

He laughed.  Stacy felt surprisingly happy to see him. His brash, no-nonsense attitude was the perfect remedy to a week of "God had his hand on you!"

"I wanna know what it was like to work for Jeffrey Dahmer.  Did Cobb like, give you body parts to feed to the gators?"

"It was weird.  I liked working at the Gator Farm. Cobb was so nice to me, always asking about my classes and the Salvation Center, and all the time he was killing people, and he kept that guy Big Dick as a sex slave, like five feet from where I was mopping the floor."

"Yeah, dude, if you knew, you could have splattered the mother-f*cker!"  

"Hey, do you think he was asking so many questions because he was keeping tabs on your Grandad?"  

"Probably.  Seems like every year, some guy pops up with a grudge against my Grandad, the World Famous Eli Gemstone or whatever."  He reached up and squeezed Stacy's left shoulder.  "Does this hurt?'

"No.  I was shot in my right..."

"How about this?"  He moved his hand down to Stacy's crotch and squeezed.

"Hey, knock it off!"

"Just checking to see if your junk still works. Scoot over."  Pontius slid onto the bed next to him, so their thighs and legs were touching, and grabbed the tv remote.  "You get any porn on this thing?" 

"I don't think you're supposed to do that." 

"So call a nurse and complain."  

Stacy had never sat pressed against someone before, except maybe his brother when they were little.  He dated a couple of girls, back before he figured out that he was gay, but they never did any hugging, just handshakes and goodnight pecks.  He had been with two guys, but they were just hookups, unzip, suck, and don't say hello in the hallway the next day.  Was this what having a boyfriend felt like? Were they cuddling?  

Wait -- wasn't Pontius straight?

Pontius was casually clicking on the remote as if the closeness didn't bother him at all. Flustered, Stacy tried to think of something simple to talk about. "Did you know that your Grandad visits me every day?  Your brother Gideon has been by, and Kelvin..."

Uh-oh, Pontius took that as an accusation.  "I would have come before, but I've been busy.  Gideon is starting a new Christian-themed skatepark.  I'm going to be the manager."  He stopped on Spongebob Squarepants, then put down the remote and took Stacy's hand.  Their fingers interlocked.

They watched in silence for a few minutes. 

"This is nice," Stacy said.

Pontius started to blush, a reddening in his neck and face.  "Yeah, well, touching a dude is good for healing." 

He had a thin, tight frame, small hard biceps, some cool tattoos, and the most beautiful hands.  Why had Stacy never thought of asking him out?  

Reason #1: Stacy was a straight-A student at the College of Charleston, a biology major, planning to become a herpetologist.  And Pontius was kind of a screw-up.  Fun to hang out with, but no goals, no future.  Wait -- managing a Christian-themed skate park?  

Reason #2: Wasn't he straight?

"I've seen this episode," Pontius complained.  Let's find some chicks, or some dicks."  He clicked until he found a soap opera with a shirtless hunk sitting on a couch. "Awright! Check out those pecs! Man, I'd love to be working on those."

"I thought you were...you know...you like girls."

Pontius laughed, then lay his head on Stacy's shoulder.  "Dude, you are adorable.  I like pussy, but who's gonna say no to a cock?  I went down on half the cadets at the Citadel, and the other half went down on me.  Sometimes they wanted me to screw them while they screwed their girls, or the other way around."

Casually outing himself as bi?  No long, angst-ridden conversation?  Stacy was astonished, but strangely, not at ease.   Reason #3: Pontius was a player.  Whatever was going on here, it wasn't real.

"I'm gay...."

"Well, duh.  That's obvious, Stace.  Everybody knows.  My grandmother knows, and she's not even alive."

"So...if you knew, and you like guys, why haven't you ever asked me out?"

He looked away.  "So you're like a super-genius, you have the coolest job in the world, and look at you, with your dick-sucking lips and little pinprick tits and butt that goes on for days.  You're like Mr. Perfection,way out of my league." 

"Sure, but you're rich, so..."

Pontius laughed.  "Asshole!  C'mon, let's make out."  Without waiting for his response, he draped his arm around Stacy's shoulder and leaned in, and they were kissing.  Stacy had only kissed girls before, and only brief good-night pecks. Pontius was forceful and demanding, taking control, pushing, prodding, exploring. 

Stacy slid down so Pontius could lie on top, so he could feel his body, cling to him, his cock prodding against the fabric of his hospital gown.  It wasn't real, Pontius was just playing him, but...OMG, he was hot.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit

Gemstones Season 4 Finale: Saying goodbye to the Gemstones. With eight gay/bi characters, countless cocks, and a friggin' glory hole.

 

In March 2023, my partner and I subscribed to the streaming service HBO/MAX to watch science fiction programs like The Last of Us and Doctor Who.  He  also wanted to watch The Righteous Gemstones, a comedy/drama about "a famous and dysfunctional family of televangelists," but "No, thanks." After a childhood of preachers screaming "God hates you!" every Wednesday night and twice on Sunday, I thought that even a critique of evangelical homophobia would be too traumatic.

Then one day I was walking through the living room on the way to a snack, and I saw the Gemstones walking in slow motion toward Jason's Steakhouse: A nuclear family husband, wife, and kids; another male-female couple and their pregnant daughter; and, taking up the rear, a gay couple!  They were holding hands!  They joined the others at the dinner table with no recriminations, no stupid questions about "which of you is the man?", no yelling about the Book of Leviticus.  I was astonished.

Watching from the beginning, I found a show that was crass, vulgar, and often grotesque, with annoying plot holes and a complete disregard for internal consistency.  Plus it took forever for the showrunners to admit that Kelvin and Keefe were canon, resulting in endless annoying "they're really straight buddies" arguments. But once they were acknowledged, Season 4 became a masterpiece of gay inclusion, with their wedding the pivotal moment of the entire series.  

A gay wedding was the pivotal moment in a series about Evangelicals!

Plus: A more obvious, and highly erotic, romance between Gideon and Scotty.

Both Eli and Baby Billy have gay relationships in their past.

Queer coded characters everywhere.  Just when you think there couldn't be any more, they start dropping hints about Pontius. 

Two homoerotic bands of brothers taken directly from Tom of Finland prints.

A near total absence of heterosexual activity, and almost no lady parts.

Nonstop beefcake.

Penises in nearly every episode.  

 A friggin' glory hole!

Gay men were not only welcome at the table, the table was designed for them.  In the midst of some profound theological questions about faith and forgiveness.

There has never been anything on tv like it.

Two years have passed, with two conference presentations, a scholarly book, two blogs with over 500 reviews and profiles each, over 20 fan stories, and endless fan discussions. And now it's time to say goodbye (sort of).

Fortunately, the Series Finale features a special goodbye message for those viewers who found the show, and the characters, especially meaningful:

Saying Goodbye is Never Easy: During the Kelvin-Keefe wedding reception, while Eli watches everyone dancing, we hear the letter that  his deceased wife Aimee-Leigh wrote to her best friend Lori  years ago:

Saying goodbye is never easy -- it's not something I've ever been good at.  Sometimes it's easier to never say goodbye and just leave things where they lay.  Don't wrap it up all nice and neat.  

Hear that, fans?  We're not going to tie up every loose end.

The Grave:  Eli hugging Lori as she cries at Corey's grave.   

Takeaways: 

1. Corey was born in 1976, so he's six years older than Jesse, making it unusual for them to be friends.  Imagine a 10 year old and a 16 year old hanging out.

2. Season 4 begins in September 2024.  Corey dies in July 2025.  The wedding takes place several months later, I estimate in October.

3. Continuity error: the Gator Farm Massacre occurred in late June or early July 2025.  Earlier we read that Big Dick Mitch went missing in March 2024.  No way he was a prisoner for over a year.  

Don't look for closure in a goodbye.  We rarely get the closure we want. Most times we don't even get the closure we need.  Sometimes things happen and the life we knew is taken from us, just like that. It can happen fast.

I'll need a minute.

Hugging: Back at the reception. Eli grins at the people dancing and hugging.  Jesse and Amber hug.  Kelvin dances with Aunt Tiffany and his sister Judy. Keefe hugs Uncle Baby Billy.  

Cut to Baby Billy, Tiffany, and their Nanny having a picnic. 

It's in those times you realize how precious friends are, family.  

The Gold Bible: The Siblings install the Gold Bible, the Maguffin of the season, on a pedestal at the Salvation Center, in front of a video presentation about Aimee-Leigh and Eli's ministry.

How important it is to let Jesus' love find you through them so we can lift each other up. 

Gideon Finds His Place: Performing at the opening of the new Gemstone Christian Skatepark, Gideon is able to combine his interest in stuntwork and the ministry. Banners say: Christian Skate Summit.

A shot of Jesse talking to his arch-nemesis Vance Simkins was cut. Apparently they're on friendly terms.

Jesse's kids, Pontius and Abraham, with Ash on one side and Edge on the other, gawk at the stunts.  Now there are girl skaters; previously Pontius' group has been entirely male.  I'm calling it: he's bi. 

And Abraham's pink shirt?  Plus check out his room in Episod 1.1: pictures of Holly Hobby dolls and a ballerina nightlight.  He's gay. Prove me wrong.

Aimee-Leigh continues: So we can fly even higher.   

Shot of Gideon flying high.

More after the break

My 16 favorite Gemstone cocks, displayed on the show and off, from Zack's mini to Brock's tree trunk

The Righteous Gemstones was unique in its enthusiastic portrayal of penises in nearly every episode. lus a number of the actors who didn't get a chance to show their stuff on the show have obligingly posted pictures of their inches on the internet.  Here are my favorites, some huge, some not, but all a pleasure to watch.

1. Stephen Schneider (left) as Stephen had an affair with Judy Gemstone in Season 3.  Her husband BJ burst into his house during a j/o session, and fought him to reclaim his manhood. The actor was offered a prosthetic, but he wanted to perform with his real cock on display.  I can see why.

2. Blair Jackson played the boyfriend of Dot Nancy, whom Kelvin Gemstone is trying to draw away from Satan, in Season 1.  Off-camera, he has shown us his stuff.

3. Walton Goggins.  In our first view of the elderly grifter Baby Billy, he stands up in his bathtub to reveal a cock of superhuman proportions (they actually useed a stand in).  It re-appeared so often in Season 4 that even gay male viewers got tired of it.

4. Stephen Dorf,  who played the nasty, homophobic, and probably gay megachurch pastor Vance Simkins, goes full frontal in a movie from 2005.. 

5. Jak Kriskowski appeared in a scene where Pontius enrolls in military school.  His scene was cut, but Jak joined the army in real life, and has given us a cute peeking-out-of-his-pants shot.

6, Kelton Dumont, as wild child Pontius Gemstone, was caught schtupping his girlfriend and jumped up and tried to hide it. After a lot of photo manipulation, about all you can see is a bit of the shaft.  But I found a few other possibilities.

7. Adam Devine: To our disappointment, Kelvin Gemstone showed his backside quite often, but never his front. Probably to emphasize that he is a bottom, and self-conscious about his small size.  In real life, Adam is hung. We've seen it several times in his movies.

8. Cullen Moss as the security guard hot for Gideon's boyfriend Scotty.  He goes full frontal in a 2021 movie.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Tristan Borders pushed up the queer codes as Young Kelvin Gemstone, but what about his other roles? With twink butt and Cleveland cock

  

For a long time, I've been wanting to do a profile of Tristan Borders, who played the young Kelvin in the flashback episodes of The Righteous Gemstones, and gave us so many intentional and unintentional clues to Kelvin's sexual identity -- more than Adam Devine himself, back when most fans were still yelling "He's not gay, just sensitive!"  

In the Season 2 flashback to 1993, four year old Kelvin has two dolls in his bedroom and a Muscle and Fitness cover taped to his wall (not this photo).

In the Season 3 Interlude, a flashback to the summer of 2000, eleven-year old Kelvin complains that his sister forces him to come to the mall with her, to act as a distraction while she shoplifts.  She also criticizes him for having "a tiny little doll pecker," starting an obsession with his size that will bedevil Kelvin through his life and, in 2023, make him reluctant to begin bedroom activities with his boyfriend Keefe.

Young Kelvin also wears a t-shirt with hibiscus flowers in the colors of the Pride Flag.

In the Season 4 Interlude, set in the summer of 2003, Young Kelvin is obviously gay, with a number of feminine mannerisms and an interest in teen idols.  He is a snob and a jerk, constantly denigrating his siblings and their friend Corey.  In a pivotal scene, he is alone in the house when Cobb breaks in to destroy things and steal the family heirloom Gold Bible.

Tristan doesn't have a social media presence, and there's no biographical information online, so all I can use for a profile are his other roles on the iMDB.

His career begins with two episodes of American Rust (2021), with a rust-belt police chief investigating the murder of flawed, troubled cop Pete Novick (Jim Frost, butt left).  Tristan plays Pete's son.

Then two episodes of The First Lady (2022), about three first ladies: Eleanor Roosevelt, Betty Ford, and Michelle Obama. Tristan plays John Roosevelt (1916-91), young son of Franklin (queer actor Charlie Plummer) and Eleanor (gay in real life).

More after the break

16 hot/hung Gemstone guest stars, from Semen Load Blair to Purple Dildo Nick

Since we're winding down the recaps of The Righteous Gemstones, I thought I'd post a list of my favorite Gemstone extras and guest stars, guys who appeared in only one or two scenes, but still made a big impression.  

And a bigger impression when I checked on their other roles and physique photos.

1.  Blair Jackson, the Semen Load Thug.  The boyfriend of Dot Nancy, who Kelvin and Keefe are trying to draw away from Satan.  Keefe finds a used condom, and when Blair approaches, says "I bet that was his semen load."  Modeling and nude photos.

2. Dakare Chatman. A member of Kelvin's youth group, and later the guy who buys Junior's illegal gambling operation.  The actor is gay.

3. Jak Kristowski (left). Appears with Pontius when he is sent to the Citadel, a military college in Charleston.  Then his scene was cut, but he still showed us his stuff.

3. Braxton Alexander (left).  A boy who rejects the teenage Judy.  To get even, teenage Jesse pulls down his pants, revealing his butt and cock to the school.  And this is a humiliation because....

5. Ian Winningkoff.  The teenage Cousin Chuck Montgomery appears in two scenes.  I don't remember if he has any lines.  Cute but straight.

6. Cullen Moss (left).  The security guard who flirts with Scotty, and later is shown reading a muscle magazine.  Nude photos from another tv series or movie.

7. Gogo Lomo-David.  The probably-gay brother of homophobic rival megachurch pastor Vance Simkins. Gay in real life.

8. The Naked Thugs.  Three guys hired by the evil Rev. Seasons to destroy Eli's satellite church.  Eli captures them and forces them to run naked through the mall.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

You are invited to Kelvin and Keefe's wedding, with 10 new scenes and exclusive photos from the honeymoon

 

Here are some additional scenes from the event of the year, wedding of Kelvin Gemstone (Adam Devine) and Keefe Chambers (Tony Cavalero), on The Righteous Gemstones Episode 4.9

1. The cover of the wedding program.

2. Martin, the church accountant: "Once upon a time, there were two  princes who fell in love."  The family applauds.

3. Sola, the nanny for Baby Billy and Tiffany's children: "Alles gutes zum Hochzeitstag." (Happy Wedding Day).

4. Nephew Pontius: "Hey, Uncle Kelvin and Uncle Keefe. I hope you guys have a great marriage. Don't f*k too hard, ok?"

5. Nephew Gideon: "What Pontius is trying to say is, let your love... may your love be a blessing."  Looks like he is vaping.

Pontius clarifies:  "Let your love be deep and hard...deep and hard.  Best wishes, guys."

6. Kelvin and Keefe dance. Keefe does The Worm.  He lifts Kelvin in his arms.

7. The nephews spin around and blow bubbles. 

8. We see other family members: BJ, Judy, and Amber.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Gemstones Episode 4.9: Do Gideon and Pontius reconcile? Do the siblings die? Does Corey moonwalk? With some cocks to get you through it

Title: "That the Man of God May Be Complete." 

1 Timothy 3:17, ESV: All Scripture is inspired by God, so "that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work."   Sounds like the Golden Bible will play a role.

Left: Pontius spends nearly the entire episode hugging Gideon.  It looks like Abraham squeezed between them.  I can't tell which leg belongs to who.

The Duel:  The Cape and Pistol Society.  Vance Simkins bursts in, drinking, and everyone laughs at him.  He points out that Kelvin has defeated him, but not Jesse, and throws down the yellow handkerchief, challenging him to a duel.  Vance will have Pastor Brad as his second, and Jesse will get Eli.

They immediately adjourn to the front lawn.  Jesse is nervous, since he's a terrible shot. Eli suggests that he back out, but nope: "He insulted Kelvin and built mini-malls in our territory."  You know, duelling and challenging someone to a duel has been illegal in South Carolina since 1880.

Vance's shot goes way over the trees.  Jesse aims at him, but he runs zigzag, and then he stops and begs for his life.  Now Jesse deliberately aims away from him, but accidentally hits someone else.

He tells the group: "You don't need a secret society to be an impressive man.  It's what you do that makes you impressive.  So I quit."  Thus ends Jesse's plot arc: he's going to stop being jealous of others' success.

The Proposal: Kelvin examines the newly-completed treehouse.  "Great job, Keefey."  You've never once called him that, Bro. 

Keefe points out that a storm is brewing, and "the devil's piss causes you terror."  Nope, not anymore.  In fact, a lot of things don't scare him anymore: spiders in toilets, the old lady puppet from Mr. Rogers (well, she was scary).... and marriage. 

Remember, in Episode 4.2, Keefe suggests getting married, and Kelvin completely tears down the idea. Now he proposes: "Keefe Chambers, will you marry me?", with a box with an engagement ring.  They hug and kiss.  

This is the end of Kelvin's plot arc: he is no longer paralyzed by fear.  We still need a wedding -- hopefully.

BJ Greases His Pole: BJ is unscrewing his pole: "I thought  I needed this to prove how manly I was, riding this long, sleek pole up, only to drop down, my thighs squeezing it."  Um...BJ, it's getting hot in here.  

He tells Judy, "It's about to pop off.  Put your hands in position, right at the base...squeeze it tight...we're going to jerk it off."  Dude, I might join you.

Now that the pole has come,,off, they discuss the Monkey.  BJ misses him, and wants him back.

Cut to Judy taking him to visit the Monkey.  They end up reconciling.  I fast forwarded past that part: boy-and-dog, or in this case boy-and-monkey stories make me uncomfortable.  Presumably this is the end of Judy's plot arc, but I'm not sure what it was.

Lori and Eli: Visiting Eli, Lori notes that the kids like her again, now that they aren't dating.  In other news, Corey is taking the crisis "real rough."  He hardly leaves the house, and his wife Jana has moved in with her sister. Well, he killed Cobb to save Eli and Baby Billy.  You might expect some trauma.

Lori found some mementos that Eli might enjoy: A flier from one of her shows, a letter that Aimee-Leigh wrote her soon after the divorce. Hey, the Gold Bible isn't there.  They say goodbye and hug.  Doesn't she live nearby?  Can't they continue to be friends?

Later, Eli retrieves the letter from the box, but can't bring himself to open it.

Hunkoids on Crosses: Baby Billy goes back to work after his ordeal at the Gator Park Massacre. Everyone applauds.  He notes that he is happy to be alive, and God gave him the physical prowess of a teen boy to help vanquish Cobb.

"Ok, back to work. Work, work, work."  He doesn't seem happy as they set up the crucifixion scene.  He recalls his argument with Tiffany: "Is that all that matters to you?", and flashes back to spending  time with his family. 

Left: Another hunkoid, maybe Edge (Alex Matoussian, c*ock after the break).

Baby Billy stops the filming and announces "I quit.  Even though it may cost my nephews and niece millions of dollars.  Shows over.  Fuck tv."

This ends Baby Billy's plot arc: he has chosen family over fame.  

Alex's dick.

Gideon: Look at that cock!  Incredible!

Pontius: I've seen bigger

Eli's Dick Still Works: Eli is on the darkened stage where Lori sang at the telethon. He bows to an imaginary audience, sits morosely at the piano, and starts to play. 

Suddenly the siblings appear for a heart-to-heart: They're impressed that he can still "do cums," so they're fine with him using his dick, with Miss Lori or whoever.  They all hug.

When this scene appeared in the trailers, fans speculated that Eli was mourning the death of Baby Billy or Lori, or that he himself and all of the siblings were dead.

"By the way, has anyone heard from Corey?"

No, he doesn't answer their calls and texts.  They decide to invite him up to the Lake House.

Pontius Pats: At Galilee Gulch, Corey stares morosely out into the lake, then goes inside, where the talent show is going on:

Lori and Judy sing "Little Angel, Big Heart," which she mentioned writing with Aimee-Leigh.  

In the audience, Keefe is feeding Kelvin Hershey's Kisses. This will become important later.

Pontius has his arm around Gideon -- and leaves it there -- and keeps hugging and patting his shoulder.   This is a parallel to the Kelvin-Keefe displays of affection. After Season 1 dropped strong hints that Gideon was gay, he never expressed an interest in men or women after.  Pontius had a girlfriend in Season 3, but this season he is shown only with men, and the t-shirt he wears has only cocks on it.

They are in a masculine embrace, only the fact that they are brothers pushing away from identifying them as gay -- and only just barely.   

It's Corey's turn to perform.  He comes down in his Michael Jackson outfit -- the one Eli paid $22,000 for.  He moonwalks, grabs his crotch, but doesn't sing a Michael Jackson song.  Maybe they couldn't get the rights.

Uh-oh, Corey has a problem: the bank is going to foreclose on the Gator Farm, and he needs $7 million to buy it back.   They're all shocked -- you don't just ask for money, you approach with a business plan and a powerpoint presentation -- but Corey says "I killed my Daddy to save Dr. Gemstone.  He has millions of dollars, but he can't help me?" 

Jana tries to spin it as a loan, not a handout.  Corey tells her to shut up, and she finally grows a pair: "I'm tired of you talking to me like that!" 

"Then get the fuck out!" Corey yells.

Jana wants a divorce. "This is over!" 

The siblings push Corey into playing cornhole to calm him down.  Eli pushes everyone else onto the boat. 

More after the break