It was Christmas Day in South Carolina, 85 degrees, so Kelvin and Keefe were sweating in their Santa hats and scarves as they knocked on the door of Daddy Eli's mansion. Kelvin was his youngest son, the youth director at his sprawling megachurch and worldwide television ministry. Keefe was Kelvin's best friend, an ex-Satanist whom he brought to God two years ago. And incredibly cute, Kelvin thought. He could hardly take his eyes off him. It's a wonder some girl hasn't snatched him away!
Jesse's wife Amber, answered the door. "My favorite brother-in law!" she exclaimed, hugging Kelvin. "And my other favorite brother in law," kissing...Keefe's cheek?
"Hey!" Judy's husband BJ yelled from the parlor.
Other favorite brother in law? "We're not...um...we're not..." Kelvin stammered, but Keefe and Amber were already heading toward the Christmas tree to deposit the presents.
He checked the seating arrangements: two places on one of the sofas, but they would have to sit very close together. Gulp! Maybe someone would get up to go to the bathroom, and he could take their place. He stopped at the pastry cart in the alcove. He usually didn't eat sugar, but this was an emergency!
"No time for feeding your face, Brother," Jesse called. "These presents won't unwrap themselves."
Keefe was already sitting on the white sofa, resting his arm across the back...across Kelvin's spot. There was no choice! He trudged across the room, slowly, like a condemned man on the way to the gallows, and squeezed in between Keefe and his nephew Gideon. He relaxed a bit, feeling the familiar hardness of Keefe's chest, his arm against his head, their legs pressed together -- no choice.
Then Keefe used the "yawn and stretch" maneuver that you saw in movies to wrap his arm around his shoulders. "He's just trying to get comfortable -- it's a tight squeeze," Kelvin thought. "Just bros being bros."
Time for presents. Abraham, Jesse and Amber's youngest, was in charge of passing out. He handed Kelvin a package marked "To Kelvin and Keefe, from Judy and BJ." Wait -- the rule was, one gift per couple, but he and Keefe weren't a couple. They should get separate gifts. Cheapskates!
It was a toaster! "Your husband can't make you breakfast in bed without a toaster," Judy said with a giggle.
Grr -- they had $26 million in trust, a monthy deposit of $20,000 into the joint checking account, three cars, and a house on the estate. They could afford their own toaster! Wait -- your husband? "We're not...um...", he stuttered, but Keefe said "Thank you, Judy and BJ," and they moved on.
More presents after the break
More presents "to both of you": matching Christmas sweaters, a framed photo of two 1950s bodybuilders (from Abraham: "he thought they looked like y'all," Amber explained).
Keefe didn't have any money of his own, so they had no choice but to give presents together. Did that give everyone the wrong idea?
It got even worse: his nephew Pontius gave them a Ken doll and a GI Joe on a little stand, shirtless, hugging, with their mouths pasted together so it looked like they were kissing. "I've never seen you do it, so I figured you didn't know how," he said.
"We don't....we're not,..." Kelvin stuttered, but Keefe said "Thank you, Pontius. It's beautiful. We'll put it on display in the bedroom." The bedroom? They had separate bedrooms; Keefe didn't sleep in the master bedroom more than once or twice a week. Ok, four or five times a week. Well, he slept in the guest suite that one time.
Now it was Daddy Eli's turn. He gave everyone trips: Hawaii for Jesse and Amber and their kids, Disney World for Judy and BJ, and for Kelvin and Keefe, a "romantic" week-long stay at a resort hotel in Myrtle Beach.
"You boys never had a honeymoon, and I hear it's the gay capital of the South."
More after the break
Keefe said "Thank you, Mr. Gemstone, sir," and they prepared to move on, but Kelvin couldn't take any more. "We're not married, we're not newlyweds, we're not going on any honeymoon to any gay capital!" he yelled. "We're best friends! That's it."
The family stared. Keefe stared. "Kelvin...." he began, After a long pause, Jesse spoke: "Sorry, Dude, but what were we to think? You haven't mentioned a girl since high school, and then Keefe moves in"
"He comes as your date to all of the dinners and dances," Amber continued. "He's right by your side at all of the family functions. You're always holding hands and hugging. You're wearing wedding rings."
"Friendship rings!" Kelvin said. "We're comfortable with our masculinity."
"We accepted Keefe into the family right away." Eli said. "A lot faster we accepted BJ, because we thought..." he added, glancing at his son-in-law, "Well, at first, we thought he was just a gold-digger. We could tell how much you and Keefe loved each other."
"We do love each other. We're like brothers!"
"Do bros sit like that?" Gideon wanted to know. Suddenly Kelvin realized that he had somehow shifted position, and was leaning against Keefe's chest, wrapped in his arms. Why hadn't he said anything during this whole interrogation? Why hadn't he confirmd that they were just bros?
"Of course! We're 21st century bros. We're not afraid of. hugging...."
"And lots more than that," Judy said. "That night at the safe house, I heard a lot of stuff coming from your room. 'Yes, yes, faster, faster!" she squealed, exaggerating sex talk.. "It's too big...I can't take it..." Eli cut her off wijth a stern stare.
"We were playing video games," Kelvin lied. It was a stressful evening -- with an assassination threat, and Daddy Eli in a coma -- so of course things happen. But that was the only time they were intimate. Except for that one time when they were getting dressed, and Keefe knelt in front of him. And that other time. And then...well, ok, they were intimate a lot. But some nights they were too tired, and just fell assleep in each other's arms.
"Could Judy and I get a copy of that game?" BJ asked. "It sounds...fun."
"Enough!" Daddy Eli yelled. He stood, leaning heavily on his cane as he crossed the room. "I don't give a rat's ass what you boys are doing or not doing behind closed doors, All I care about is family. And I see how Keefe takes care of you, how he puts your needs ahead of his own -- heck, how he looks at you. Nobody has looked at me like that since your mother died. You should be thanking God for him every day of your life. You can call him a best friend or a boyfriend or a butt buddy, anything you want, but I am proud to call him my son-in-law."
"Thank you, Mr. Gemstone, sir," Keefe said.
"It's Daddy Eli. Get on over here, both of y'all." Keefe stood to hug Eli, then returned to his place and put his arms around Kelvin again. Kelvin didn't move. He couldn't.
Eli returned to his chair. "Now we going to open some presents, or what? I still haven't seen hide nor hair of that Eerdman's Bible Commentary."
But Kelvin wasn't paying attention: Keefe was moving toward him, ready to... "No! Not in front of God and everybody!" he thought. "My Daddy! My little nephews! We're not gay, we're bros!" But he didn't move away as Keefe brought their faces together, and kissed him softly.
Then the tears started. He collapsed into Keefe's arms and sobbed, a lifetime of tears pouring out all at once. The pain had been part of him so long that he didn't even know it was there. Now it was fading away as Keefe hugged him tightly.
"Is one of their presents a box of Kleenix?" Jesse asked.
"Geez, what a crybaby!" Judy exclaimed. "Y'all are gay, not Yankees."
See also: My Boyfriend and My Satanist Ex-Boyfriend at Thanksgiving Dinner
Season 1 Memes: Kelvin bottoms, Gideon falls in love, and Keefe checks for semen loads
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