A flurry of fabulous Finns, with their fine frames, built backsides, and devastating dicks

Last year I was overloaded with Gavins.  It appears that this year I'm having a run on Finns: Finn Carr, Finn Burke, Finn Hudson (Cory Monteith) from Glee, Finn the Human (Jeremy Shada) from Adventure Time.  So I thought it would be fun to gather up the actors named Finn who have shown their stuff, on-screen or off.

 

1. Probably the most famous Finns of this generation is Finn Wolfhard, who played Mike Wheeler, central character in Stranger Things (2016-22).  The 1980s Indiana boy investigates his buddy's disapperance into a demon-haunted dimension and falls in love with an ESP girl.  Finn has also appeared in Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire, It, King of the Hill, and the new Paranorman.  

Straight and femme in real life, he has no dick pics, but here's his basket.  I'm not an expert, but is that lady's underwear?

2. Second most famous is probably Finn Witrock, who played many characters in different seasons of the anthology American Horror Story (2014-21), including serial killer Dandy, vampire's boy toy Tristan , feral child Jether, and vampire bait Harry.  Some of them were gay-vague or gay-for-pay, but Finn is straight in real life.

3. Brandon Finn grew up in Hawaii, and has appeared in several series set or filmed in his home state, including Magnum PI, Fantasy Island, and Chief of War (where he played the gay Prince Kūpule). I can't tell from his Instagram if he's gay in real life.

4. Nonbinary genderqueer Fin  Argus has played gay characters in Queer as Folk, The Other Two, and The Commute.  They have given us a  lot of butt pics but no frontal; maybe they want to keep what they have in front private.

5. British actor Finn Cole is known for Animal Planet, Peaky Blinders, and Slaughterhouse Rulez.  I can't tell if his partner here is male, female, or nonbinary, but in real life he likes girls.

The Finn phalluses come after the break. Caution: Most are aroused. 

"The Chair Company": A chair conspiracy, a queer kid, a ginger chub, weirdness for its own sake, and men in suits with d*cks

I am attracted to men in suits, but not at all to the corporate world, the heterosexist trajectory of job, house, wife, kids that was pushed endlessly through my childhood.  I want a world of art and beauty.  

So at first I wasn't interested in The Chair Company on HBO MAX, starring Tim Robinson as Ron Trosper, a "job, house, wife, and kids" guy whose chair collapses during a Very Important Presentation, leading to more mishaps that threaten to destroy his Very Important Career.   

Trying to track down the Chair Company responsible for the defective chair, he ends up at an empty warehouse.  Later a guy assaults him, telling him to "Forget about the chair company."

He doesn't.  He tracks down his assailant, Mike (Joseph Tudisco), a security guard at a local cafe.  But Mike says "I was hired by a guy I'd never met.  He didn't show his face." 

Maybe they could work together to find him?

Wait -- why is Mike so interested in helping? There must be some gay-subtext buddy-bonding going on.  I'm reviewing the next episode, 1.3: @BrownDerbyHistoricVids Little Bit of Hollywood? Okayyy.

Try putting that in the Works Cited section of your research paper.

Scene 1: Family Man Ron is at Game Night with his daughter, her fiancee, and her fiancee's parents.  Hey, Daughter is gay.  What a surprise -- I figured this show would be entirely heteronormative.  Ulp, he gets a text: "No way out!", with a photo of him taken at that moment from the hall closet.

He pulls open the closet door, and a little person pushes him aside and runs out.  Family Man Ron gives chase, but Partner Mike rushes up and explains "He's my guy, LT (Joe Apelian). I had him watching to make sure you weren't setting me up."  

LT meant that there was "no way out" of his hiding place.  He sent the text to the wrong guy.

Scene 2: The enraged Ron wants to end the partnership, but Mike has intel: he tracked down the guy who paid him to scare Ron, but that guy was hired by someone else, and paid $50,000 for the job.  That's quite a lot -- usually scares go for $400. 

LT interrupts, yelling that Partner Mike isn't his friend, he's no good.  He begins kicking boxes.

Left: None of the three have beefcake photos online, so I'm posting 1990s heartthrob Lou Diamond Phillips, who plays the CEO of Family Man Ron's company.

Scene 3: That night, while asleep, Ron keeps imagining LT staring at him.  He checks all the closets. 

In the morning, he asks his wife if they can install a security system today.  A reasonable plan, but he makes it sound crazy by imagining someone with a gun bursting in and forcing them to kill each other.  

Scene 4: At work, Ron is discussing something about square footage with a client (Mike Britt).  A literal bug crawls into Ron's phone.  Now we're getting surreal. 

When he has a spare moment, he tries to find out who owns the empty warehouse -- ulp, you have to make your request in person.  But before he can duck out, he is dragged into the atrium to watch his tv interview about a shopping mall the company is building: "The way you think about Canton, Ohio is about to change: you're about to step into a bit of Hollywood."  Thus the title.

 The whispering is about a Mistakes Party -- where you admit your mistakes-- that Ron isn't invited to, because he's the boss. 

The guy being whispered to is Cal, played by Joshua Pangborn, who starred in  Skeleton Crew (2015-22).  It sounds like a drama:  In every season, a bear couple and their straight friends host a Halloween party that goes terribly wrong.  They have to deal with the tragedy and figure out how to go on with their lives.  Every friggin' year?  I'd stop hosting those parties.  But there also seems to be ghosts, mad scientists, and time travel.

And frontal nudity.  After the break.  Caution: Explicit