"Meet Me in St. Louis": the movie that spawned the "Have Yourself" monstrosity. With A LOT of cocks to get you through it, plus Adam Devine and Will Robinson

 

December is the cruelest month, overwhelming the senses with bright lights and crowds, asserting that if you don't feel ecstatic every second of every day, there is something wrong with you, while pushing melancholy nostalgia and horribly depressing songs.  And the most depressing of all is the "Have yourself" monstrosity.  One line is guaranteed to push my general Christmas depression into dark despair. Fortunately, singers extend every syllable indefinitely, so I'm usually able to run out of the store or shut off the tv during "Haaaaaaaaaaaaave youuuuuuuurself..."

I thought that I could expiate the demonic power of the monstrosity by researching where it began, with a viewing of Meet Me in St. Louis (1944) when I was nine or ten years old (in the 1970s!).

Opening: It's the summer of 1903, which many adults in the 1940s recalled through the nostalgic haze of childhood.  

It is the era of empires: after the Spanish American War, the U.S. occupied the Philippines, Guam, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico, a colonial empire rivaling those of Britain and France.  

It is the era of the robber barons like Rockefeller and Vanderbilt, who amassed huge fortunes and transported Italian villas brick-by-brick to the new world. 

The Wizard of Oz, Peter Pan, The Bobbsey Twins, Kim, and The Call of the Wild are on every kid's bookshelf.

Everyone in St. Louis, the 4th largest city in the U.S., is all agog over the upcoming World's Fair, also known as the Louisiana Purchase Exposition.  Although a paeon to American Exceptionalism, it will have exhibits from 65 countries. They'll be able to see X-ray machines and wireless telephones, gawk at "primitive tribes," and eat hot dogs, hamburgers, and cotton candy for the first time. time. And hear the song "Meet Me in St. Louis," about a man whose wife leaves him to go to the fair.

Trigger #1: Nazarenes were taught that fairs were Satanic, so this represented evil.  Also, I recalled a song about a boy who is coming home late from the fair, no doubt the victim of foul play:

Oh, dear, what could the matter be -- Johnny's too late from the fair.

At 5135 Kensington Avenue, a trolley-ride away from downtown, fancy businessman Alonzo Smith (Leon Ames) and his family are eagerly anticipating the fair, and watching as the daughters fall in love. 

Esther (Judy Garland) is in love with the Boy Next Door, John Truitt (Tom Drake), who isn't interested.  She sings:

How can I ignore the boy next door?

I love him more than I can say

Doesn't try to please me, doesn't even tease me

And he never sees me glance his way

You forgot the last line: "Maybe he's gay."

 Trigger #2: I hated Judy Garland after seeing her in the horrifying Wizard of Oz (the Witch counts down the minutes to her death!).  Later, I heard that to ever listen to Judy Garland songs meant that you were gay, which was horrifying (I was extremely homophobic during my closeted high school years).

Tom Drake (top photo and right) was "a deeply closeted gay guy, given to despair." terrified that someone would find out.

 Rose (Lucille Bremmer) is in love with Warren Sheffield (Robert Sully), but he's dating another girl (June Lockhart, who would become the Mom on Lost in Space).  

Left: Presumably this is a different Robert Sully.  I posted Billy Mummy as Will Robinson on Nysocboy's Beefcake and Bonding.

Little Sister Tootie (Margaret O'Brien) is apparently in love with the Ice Man, with whom she discusses whether St. Louis is the greatest city in the world.  But there's really no discussion; of course it is. And they didn't even have that Arch yet.

Left: Random guy with cock.

Margaret O'Brien,  only 8 years old when she was roped into Meet Me, had a career that lasted through the 2000s.  Her last movie role to date is in This is Our Christmas (2018), where a family tries to save their beloved bakery from an evil developer (Margaret) and her son (Vincent de Paul).

There's also another daughter, a son, Lon Junior (Henry H. Daniels, Jr.), a grandpa, and a sarcastic maid (lesbian actress Marjorie Mains)

The Farewell Party: Lon Jr. is leaving for Princeton, so they throw him a party.  The Boy Next Door is invited!   Esther asks him out, but she waits for him at the trolley all afternoon, and he doesn't show up.  

Hoping to find a new beau, she sings "The Trolley Song":

I went to lose a jolly hour on the trolley

And lost my heart instead

With his light brown derby and his bright green tie

He was quite the handsomest of men

I started to yen so I counted to ten

Then I counted to ten again

Halloween: At a bonfire, Tootie claims that The Boy Next Door hit her, so Esther goes to his house and punches and bites him..  Actually, he was trying to protect her from the police. Esther apologizes, and they kiss and start dating. 

Brace yourself: depressing lyrics after the break.  And a lot more cocks.

"It's Florida, Man," Episode 2.2: Guy gets high, gets naked, trashes a pizza place. With Adam Devine, pizza guy cock, and Swardon butt

 

Since Righteous Gemstones ended in May 2025, we've seen Tony Cavalero in two tv shows, a series of commercials, and his daily Instagram posts.  Adam Devine, not so much.  He played a dog who doesn't want to get snipped, did some commercials for water, and his Instagram is mostly theoretical.  So of course I jumped at the opportunity to see him in Episode 2.2 of It's Florida, Man, a reality tv show on MAX about people doing really stupid things because "it's Florida."  While they tell their stories, comedians act them out (like Drunken History)

Preview:  Pensacola, Florida: on the panhandle, more Deep South than Miami Beach.  A trashed Little Caesar's Pizza.  Chad Corn tells us that he was so high, he didn't know what had happened: he just woke up naked, with the alarm blaring.   

Scene 1: Chad works as an appliance technician. He began drinking and using drugs to help overcome his Tourette's Syndrome (involuntary tics), but he didn't like the version of himself while high, which he called Bad Chad: a belligerent partyboy.

One day he is at work, scrolling through the profiles on...um...Facebook (you mean Grindr, buddy?), and he sees that his friend Jimmy has a show coming up (drag or music?).

Jimmy is an "artist, singer, concrete finisher, starseed, generational curse breaker," and Jimmy V on stage. 

I wanted to see if the musician is bisexual, based on the "woman or man" lyric, but Google searches are overwhelmed by other famous Jimmy Vs: one worked on the Conan O'Brien show, and the other is a music producer in London.  

Scene 2: Chad goes to the Jimmy V show, tries unsuccessfully to pick up a girl, and then calls his drug dealer.  Bad Chad emerges, and they do more drugs and get "wired to the max."  The bartender cuts them off. 

He gets paranoid, thinks the cops are at the club.  Should he flush his remaining drug supply down the toilet?  Bad Chad points out that the drugs can be traced through the pipes. Better eat the rest!

Chad is played by Adam Devine, and Bad Chad by Nick Swardon (butt left)

Scene 3: Chad leaves the bar, still thinking that he is being chased by the cops, so he goes through the swamp to throw them off his trail.   He loses one shoe in the mud, so of course he has to throw away the other. 

More after the break

Hector Garcia: The um...androgynous kid from "Everybody Hates Chris" has a husband...I mean good buddy....and a cock

 

Everybody Hates Chris (2005-09), with comedian Chris Rock narrating his childhood experiences in the 1980s:  sure, it had a lot of beefcake, with Dad Terry Crews and brother Tequan Richmond (left).  At least in the first two seasons, there was a strong gay-subtext romance between Young Chris (Tyler James Williams, who as an adult strongly defends himself against gay "accusations") and Greg (Vincent Martella, who is gay but was not out at the time).    But there were frequent homophobic digs, for no apparent reason than to invite the audience to share the grown-up Chris's homophobia.

At a party, a boy is kissing a long-haired person wearing pants, and the grown-up Chris exclaims "I sure hope that's a girl!"  It's your show.  Why not just tell the director to make sure everyone is obviously heterosexual in the scene?  

When the grown-up Chris thinks that Young Chris and Greg are getting too close, he exclaims "Hey, this ain't Brokeback!"  So you're expressing homophobia at yourself as a boy? You got issues, dude.

No gay people appear or are mentioned; the closest they dared come was Angel (Hector A. Garcia).

In Episode 4.2, "Everybody Hates Cake," Chris signs up for a home economics class as a way to get close to the Girl of His Dreams Remember, heteronormativity dictates that the teenage boy has only one motive for every action: to get girls.  He is partnered with femme boy Angel, who is besties with the Girl but can't cook.  That's why you take the class, nimrod.  Maybe they could help each other, an introduction in exchange for cooking lessons?   

The femme mannerisms make Chris extremely uncomfortable, but --winning the Girl!  Dad advises him that some men are...um...er...androgynous.  But they can't help it.  You shouldn't shun someone for something that's not their fault.  So Chris agrees to the trade, but when he starts to like Angel and asks to hang out, the snobbish (grown-up Chris: racist) jerk rejects him.  

I wanted to know about the actor playing the um...er...androgynous Angel,  Hector A. Garcia.  Is he...um...er... androgynous in real life?

First, any...um...er...androgynous roles?

Hector grew up in Pacoima, California, just north of Burbank.  He is a "Proud Valley Boy" and "professional couch potato."  His acting career begins in 2003 with the shorts Carter's Wish (everybody's wishes start coming true, literally) and La Cerca (the 17-year old Niño discovers "a world beyond the barbed-wire fence" of his grandfather's ranch).

Next came some guest spots on tv series -- In Justice, The Cleaner, The Shield, NCIS -- where he apparently played Hispanic teens in graffiti-strewn neighborhoods.

After Chris, Hector starred in five episodes of Brothers (2009) -- not to be confused with the psychological thriller Brothers (2009), or Brothers and Sisters (2006-2011), which has a gay sibling.  This one had Michael Strahan and Daryl Mitchell as estranged brothers running a restaurant.  Hector plays a cook. 

Coincidentally, Tichina Arnold, the Mom on Everybody Hates Chris, plays Cynthia.  

Then came some guest spots on Till Death, Bad Therapy, Booze Lightyear, and Good Samaritans.  

And The Undershepherd (2012): Two best friend ministers rise in the ranks of the Baptist Church, but one is being led by God, and the other by Satan.  

Hector plays TD, presumably a church member.  The Baptist Church doesn't look kindly on um...er...androgynous men, so appearing in this movie suggests that our boy is straight.

In 2016, Hector became the producer/ writer/ star of The Office Chronicles, a short about "true feelings revealed" at the office: Jerry (Hector) is in love with Becky, but she's in love with Sean (Marlon Begue), who absolutely cannot act, and admits an infidelity, whereupon she dumps him.  Sounds heteronormative. Dude is definitely a straight Baptist.

.

Wait -- in 2021, Hector starred in the podcast No Such Thing, not to be confused with the supernatural thriller No Such Thing (2021).  Hector plays Jesus, a gay guy who is working in a bookstore and dating Don (Jimmy Clabots, butt left).  He comes out to Mom and Dad in the last episode.

I'm confused.  Are you um...er...androgynous or not, buddy boy?

More after the break

Vincent Webb: Mexican model/actor hugs, dates, and sticks out his tongue at guys, so he's gay, right? With bonus n*de Hispanic dudes

 

18-year old Vincent Webb appeared on the teen idol website with 5,169 photos. He must be super-famous for acting, singing, or...I hope not social influencing. 

Usually I check the guy's movie and tv roles to see if he's played any gay characters, and then his Instagram to see if he's gay in real life.  But this time I'm going to save time by going to go through the pages on the teen idol site to see if he's gay first.  No point in continuing if he's straight. 

There are 173 pages, each with 30 photos. I'll just check the first 10-15.

Page 1: Just shirtless and modeling photo.  .

Page 2: Ulp, he's hugging a girl.  But there's just one girl-hugging photo on the page, and neither is sticking their tongue out.

Page 3: Two guy-hugging and three girl-hugging photos.  

And many more shirtless modeling photos.

Page 4: A guy-hugging photo with his tongue out, usually a bragging gesture ("I'm so much better than you because I get to have sex with this hunk, and you don't).

Left: Vincent only just turned 18, so I'm not going to look for nude photos.

Page 5: More shirtless shots, plus gazing at a guy.

Page 6: Obvious dates with a guy to a ball game, to the beach, and out to dinner, plus two where the tongues come out to brag about each other's hotness. I've about decided that Vincent is gay.

Wait -- Page 9: More girl-hugging photos. 

I'm stumped.

Maybe the IMDB offers some clues:

After the break

Wake Up Dead Man: Daniel Craig's gay detective solves a locked-room murder, with a hot priest, some MAGA suspects, and a lot of Catholic cocks

 

For movie night this week, we saw Wake Up Dead Man (2025), the third of the Knives Out mysteries starring Benoit Blanc (Daniel Craig, left), a posh Southern-accented detective who draws inspiration from classic murder writers like Agatha Christie, Dorothy Sayers, and Ngaio Marsh.  

This one involves Father Jed (Josh O'Connor), a boxer who accidentally killed his opponent in the ring, and became a priest to expiate his guilt.  When he loses control and punches an a*hole deacon, he is assigned to a struggling parish in upstate New York. 

Left: Exteriors were filmed at the Anglican Church of the Holy Innocents, in Epping Forest, near London, built in 1873, praised as a masterpiece of Gothic Revival architecture.

It is struggling because of Monseigneur Wicks (Josh Brolin).  Monseigneur is an honorary title bestowed by the Pope, but this Monseigneur has bestowed it upon himself.  He has turned the congregation into an evangelical cult, preaching about the End Times and the War against Christianity, promising eternal damnation to anyone who challenges his authority, and screaming at visitors who he thinks are disobeying God's law: first a single mother, and then a gay couple.

The gay couple is played by HIV activist Hugh Wyld and Matthew Jacobs-Morgan, who runs Coven, a queer bar and art venue in Hackney.  

Father Jed thinks that the Church should be about love and forgiveness, a place where "everyone is welcome," but the Monseigneur sneers that he is ridiculously naive: why would you open the Church to the enemies of God? This is War!

In fact, the Monseigneur has only seven True Believers left:

1. Lee Ross (gay actor Andrew Scott), a formerly best-selling author who has retreated into conspiracy theories, and is currently writing a 6,000 page biography of Monseigneur Wick.

2. Vera Draven, a lawyer who was suddenly told "you're going to raise this boy," with no further explanation. 

3. The boy, now grown up, Cy Draven (Daryl McCormack).  He tried to jump start a career in politics by blogging against everything the Orange Goblin hates from trans people to Portland, but he couldn't get any doors open.  Being black won't help you win over MAGA, buddy.

4. Simone Vivane, a concert cellist who had to give up music due to chronic pain, and is handing over thousands of dollars in the hope that Wick will cure her. Faith healing is evangelical thing, not really Catholic.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Daryl Sabara: Juni grows up, fights cannibals, bikers, and Satanists, and shows his dick, but I'm still depressed

Spy K*ds (2001) stars gay actor Antonio Banderas (left) and Carla Gugino as a husband and wife spy team.  Well, actually, their son and daughter, Juni and Carmen (Daryl Sabara, Alexa Vega), who get swept up in an age-appropriate diabolical plot involving tv host Fegan Floop (Alan Cummings, who is bisexual in real life).   

Although everyone is ostensibly heterosexual, some reviews call the film a queer classic due to the extremely hot Dad -- and Mom, apparently, which led to the "queer awakening" of an entire generation of lesbians; the shy, bullied, gay-coded Juni; the kick-ass Carmen; and the gay-coded villain who turns out to be not all that villainous.

The Banderas dick is just to draw your attention.  This profile features the shy, bullied, gay-coded Daryl Sabara.

There were 3 sequels:

The Island of Lost Dreams (2002) strands Juni and Carmen on a Jules Verne/Dr. Moreau "mysterious island," where they run afoul of a mad scientist creating animal hybrids.  Carmen gets a boyfriend, but Juni remains gay-coded.

I didn't see Game Over (2003) where Juni must venture into a video game to save his sister, but the queer coding ends with him meeting The Girl.  He also meets two guys, video game teammates Ryan Pinkston and Bobby Edner.

Well, it was nice while it lasted.

The 2011 All the Time in the World minimized Juni and Carmen in favor of a new sibling team.  The brother is played by Mason Cook, who would go on to Speechless.

During the Spy franchise, Daryl Sabara appeared in the usual one-shot tv spots: Will and Grace, Fatherhood, House, American Dragon: Jake Long, and so on.

He has a starring role in the animated lion-drama Father of the Pride (2004-05) as Hunter, a shy, anxiety-ridden Lord of the Rings nerd. That is, basically Juni as a lion.  In one episode, his grandfather Sarmoti thinks that he is gay, or as the fan wiki says, "homosexual; but this is absolutely not true."  Rather homophobic, aren't you, fan wiki?

Then things start to go downhill.  In a 2006 episode of Criminal Minds,  Daryl plays a teenager who charges men to watch him do bondage videos.  So he has an OnlyFans site?  The agents convince him that what he is doing constitutes prostitution, and will put him in danger from internet predators.  It is all presented as extremely sleazy, and one can't help but conclude that being gay is always seedy and sordid.  

Normal Adolescent Behavior (2007) is an anti-hookup cautionary tale,with no gay content: three girls and three guys in a friendship group pair off randomly.  Daryl appears as Nathan, who crushes on the mother of one of the girls. Ugh.

Raviv Ullman, formerly Phil of the Future, plays one of the guys in the friendship group.

Next Daryl played Tim Scottson in 7 episodes of Weeds (2005-12), about suburban marijuana growers. He shot his stepmother Nancy Botwin because he assumed that she was responsible for his father's death, but she recovered and hired him as her assistant.

Worst. Prom. Ever. (2011) has Daryl planning the perfect prom for his girlfriend, but when her two friends tag along, things go crazy, with a car crash, armed thugs, Satanists, and an amorous lady biker.

In The Green Inferno (2013), some student activists go to the Peruvian jungle for ecological stuff, and are captured by a cannibal tribe.  

A cannibal tribe?  I thought the "spear-throwing savages" trope went out with Johnny Quest. But at least the guy dragging Daryl toward the cooking pot has nice abs and a basket.

Daryl gets a girlfriend and displays his dick before being eaten.

More Daryl dick after the break

Rating Adam Devine's butt, with DJ Nick's and five others for comparison

Previous: Adam's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 4: A sex party, a doobie phallic symbol, two birthdays, and a tight butthole

In August 2019, Adam Devine, star of Workaholics and soon-to-be star of The Righteous Gemstones, visited the Tap and Grill Lakeside Brew Haus in Gravois Mills, Missouri, in the Lake of the Ozarks, about two hours from Kansas City. 

DJ Nick (I won't use his real last name) got a photo with him, which he posted on Facebook. Fortunately for fanboys, it's on the lakefront so shirts are optional. 

So far, so hot.  But look at the Facebook comments:

"Very tight butthole, my friend."

"That is so tight butthole!"

"Tight butthole!"

Question: whose butthole are they talking about, Adam's or Nick's?  Let's find out.

We've seen Adam's butt many times, but what about Nick's?

He's a professional DJ working out of Kansas City, and the Lake of the Ozarks during the summer.  Here he plays Captain America in an American flag jockstrap.  Nice bulge, dude, but what about your butt?

My usual hookup sites didn't yield a lot of potential nude photos, but this one might match his general physique. 

And a potential front, actually Tyler Labine.

Nick with his brother Todd.  Maybe we could get a photo of Todd's butthole?

More after the break

Caution: explicit

Meet Me Next Christmas: A drag show, a queer cousin, Pentatonix, and a dancer's dick

  

I fast-forwarded through the first 20 of the Christmas movies streaming on Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Hulu, and found only one with probable gay characters: Meet Me Next Christmas.  Plus there are two hot guys on the icon, so there's bound to be some beefcake.  

Scene 1: It's snowing in a Chicago with no recognizable landmarks.  Pentatonix is singing on holograms and store cams everywhere: "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."  The Girl, Layla, is in the airport with her luggage on Christmas Eve.  Who flies on Christmas Eve?  You won't get there in time for anything.  But all flights out are cancelled.  She is shocked; who knew that flights are cancelled in snow?  

While she is waiting in the VIP lounge, James (Kofi Siriboe, top photo), a hot guy with a cancelled flight, sits next to her.  Her flirting bio: she runs a charity that gives scholarships to deserving youth to attend Historically Black Colleges and Universities.  She shows him a photo of Derek, who graduated from Langston College in Oklahoma last year. 

Named after Langston Hughes, the Westernmost HBCU is advertised as an "excellent value," with a lot of white students on its website. and no mention of LGBT people.

"Right now Tanner and I would be going to the Pentatonix Christmas Eve Show."  You're flying on the same day as the show?  Idjit!

James doesn't know what Pentatonix is, even though they've been singing all through the airport, so Layla tells him. 

They decide that, if they're both single next year, they'll meet at next year's big Pentatonix Christmas Eve concert. 

Scene 2: The next year, three days before Christmas, Layla is at work, busily placing students at HBCUs, when her bff calls -- not a gay guy, darn it, but she talks like a drag queen.  Layla is going to pick up boyfriend Tanner's favorite dinner -- takeout Italian with a Christmas twist.

She arrives at her stunning Victorian -- in Poughkeepsie?  Why not near a HBCU college? -- screams -- and a half-naked lady runs out, followed by a shirtless Tanner (Brendan Morgan, left).  What idjit has a hookup when he knows his girlfriend will be home any minute?

Layla wants to know that too.  He explains that this is the day the maid comes, so he couldn't hook up at his place. So she dumps the Italian food on his bare chest,  slams the door, and looks out the window, miserable. 

Scene 3: In New York, staying with her bff, Layla drinks wine and stares out onto the city.  Girlfriend says that she always picks the wrong guys -- successful, muscular, well-hung -- but forgets to find out if he's into her.  "Is he your ride or die?"  

"Hey, maybe I can fall in love with my airport hookup from last year, James." They said they would meet at the big Pentatonix concert, but Tanner the idjit ordered Macklemore tickets this year! 

No problem; they'll just go to the Rockefeller Center website and buy a ticket for Pentatonix. Sold out!  "But you can go through a concierge service to get them." I thought a concierge worked in a hotel, but it's a general service that rich people use for help of all sorts, like getting sold-out tickets.

Scene 4: In New York,  two days before Christmas, concierge Teddy (Devale Ellis) passes out Christmas fudge to his coworkers, and cioppino to the boss lady.  I'll bet that Layla gets with him instead of James. 

Layla has hired him, after sending a lot of emails and showing up at the office. His job is to get her Petatonix tickets by tomorrow night.  "Your client reviews suck," Boss lady snarls,"So get this one done or you're fired."

In Teddy's office, Layla explains that she's freaking out because she's tried everything to get that ticket: Ticketmaster, Tickpick, Stubhub...none available.  Girl, just text the guy and offer to meet him somewhere else. 

Nothing in the company databases, but Teddy knows a guy who might have one. "He has a kiosk.  I'll go get it.  No, Layla wants to go with him, to make sure there are no screw-ups. And fall in love, of course.

Scene 5: Out onto the streets of Toronto masquerading as New York.  The kiosk is closed, but Layla found a guy on Dave's Tickets who has a couple, and wants to meet in the Village.  Tony resists -- he's the professional with the contacts, so this guy must be a scam -- but she drags him on.  Squabbling- they'll be smooching in the last scene, 100 to 1

Gay characters after ther break

Gemstones Episode 2.8: Baby Billy sees a ghost, Judy becomes a mom, and Kelvin gets ***.up. Plus nude short guys

Title:  "The Prayer of a Righteous Man."  James 5:16: "The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." Whose fervent prayer is going to avail some miracles?

This ain't the 1970s: In 1993 Memphis, Junior and his dad Glendon are watching midget wrestling featuring "heel" Chris Blanton, aka "Little Fabio"

Glendon thinks that it's the wave of the future, but Junior complains that it's old-fashioned.  He wants to liquidate their gambling operation to raise money for some big wrestling promotions:"This ain't the 1970s.  Wrestling has changed. You need big money to go after big talent." Glendon nixes the idea.

Next complaint: Glendon was going to leave Junior the business when he retired, but he never retires:  "Look at me, Daddy: I'm going gray with my dick in my hand."   Look at him, with his jaunty hand on hip, similar to after spending the night with Eli earlier this season.  He's got some femme mannerisms going on  I'm looking at a middle-aged gay man.

Glendon wants to know how he can retire when his idiot son has terrible ideas and does everything wrong?  "You hurt my feelings," Junior exclaims, starting to cry.  The boy gets hurt feelings a lot, doesn't he?   Glendon mocks him.  But he agrees that he's been holding on too long: let's liquidate the gambling operation.

We cut to Glendon being upset while Junior loads the slot machines into a truck for Mr. Dukare (played by Dakare Chatman, who was playing a teenager in Season 1.) 

Later, Junior counts the money, annoucing that they will triple it with their new wrestling promotions.  

But Glendon has other ideas. Brandishing a gun, he orders: "Handcuff yourself to that inversion table and shut the fuck up."  He then moons Junior and leaves: "You ain't never going to see ths old ass again."  

Junior screams and cries. Glendon goes off to visit Eli and get murdered on Christmas Day, 1993. 

In the present, Martin visits the captured Cycle Ninjas in jail: a group of scruffy teenagers.  Sheriff Brenda tells him that they have fake ids, no fingerprints in the system, and they aren't talking.  Martin tries to use psychology: "We know who sent you. Now you tell us."  But it doesn't work; they just fart at him.

Cut to Baby Billy selling his health elixer in a nursing home. Afterwards the spirit of his sister Aimee-Leigh appears, and encourages him to visit his son Harmon, whom he abandoned in a shopping mall in 1993. "It's time," she tells him, and "You know I'm right."  He tells her to get lost.  Aimee-Leigh appears in the Seasons 1 and 3 finales, but doesn't interact with anyone.  I wonder if she is a hallucination here.

Eli's physical therapy:  Eli gathers the siblings, their partners, and Gideon to thank them for their role in his recovery.  Keefe is not present, but Eli tells Kelvin: "You and Queef have been such a help. I keep saying 'Go back to your house,' but you wouldn't hear it. You've stayed on, helping me get on my feet with physical therapy."  He gets Keefe's name wrong, but at least he acknowledges that Kelvin has a partner.  

Wait -- how could Kelvin administer physical therapy with his hand injury? I'm getting an image of Keefe being run ragged from caring for two invalids.  Surely there were nurses around, too. 

Of course, they had an ulterior motive for not going home: the God Squad has taken over their house.

Cut to BJ and Judy putting the very pregnant Tiffany on the bus for the 15 hour trip to her mama's house in West Virginia, where she can raise her son with no money.  At the last moment. Judy asks her to stay: she's family.

Cleansing the Temple: Later that day, Kelvin and Keefe spy on the God Squad as they dance, fight with sticks, run wild on a golf cart, and..um... masturbate into a watering can?   "It's time to cleanse the temple!" Kelvin exclaims.  How could the God Squad control the house for several weeks with no one noticing? There's a housekeeping crew and regular security patrols.  This must be another chronological mishap.

The guys burst into the gym, knocking over things.  "This was a house of prayer, but ye made it a den of thieves!" Kelvin exclaims. Torsten orders the men to put Keefe back in the tiger cage, but Keefe tries to fight back, Kelvin yells "No one re-cages Keefe," and they relent. 

Next he reminds them of all the good he's done. Before joining the God Squad, Torsten was "a little doughboy" who still lived with his parents. "I chiseled you into the sculpture you are today." 

When Cody had cramps, Kelvin "crawled into his yurt and massaged him until sunrise."  A sexual reference, of course.  The guys stare at Cody, who shakes his head -- that didn't happen.  In a cult based on homoerotic desire, why would anyone disapprove of Cody and Kelvin getting busy?  There appears to be a major misunderstanding here. Many of the God Squad musclemen are straight alphas, in it for the muscles, just tolerating the homoerotic activity of Kelvin, his boyfriend, and the guys he invites to the steam showers.

Torsten challenges "the Messiah of the Muscle Men" to another cross raising to determine leadership.

Whoa, there used to be twelve musclemen -- now there are 23.  The cross used to be about ten feet high.  Now it's over thirty!

As Kelvin grabs the crossbars, the casts on his hands fly off -- a miracle!  Although he is much smaller than the musclemen, he is able to "get it up" -- another miracle!  Keefe drops to his knees, apparently in worship.  He needs to decide whether he wants a boyfriend or a Savior.

When he has achieved leadership with "a proper erection," Kelvin orders the God Squad to get out of his house, then pulls Keefe to his feet.  They hug and do their weird forehead press thing, but don't kiss.  I guess it's been decided for him: Kelvin is the strongest, but not the Messiah, and Keefe is an equal partner, not his disciple. 

Torsten: "It's your house, Bro.  You didn't need to get weird about it."  But of course Kelvin had to prove that he was strong, sexually potent -- a man.

No lions, no tigers, no bears: We cut to Eli and his children rehearsing for his welcome-back service. Notice that Kelvin's shirt and jacket display no roaring animals, and his pants display no club-bulge. His obsession with demonstrating his potency is over. 

Later, Eli tells Jesse that he's grown, healed his family, demonstrated his leadership ability, so he'll give him the money to invest in the Zion's Landing Resort after all.  

But what about Junior -- won't he keep on trying to kill them?  "I think it's time you know the truth," Eli says.

He brings his children to the amusement park, and tells them about Christmas 1993. about Glendon Marsh holding him at gunpoint and Daddy Roy coming to the rescue, or maybe just shooting.  Afterwards, Eli wanted to protect his family, and worried that the scandal of having a murdering Dad would destroy his empire, so he and Martin buried the body under the roller coaster. 

Eli determines that the only way to protect his family from Junior is to come clean, tell him everything. Gulp -- he's already trying to kill you because you rejected his friendship.  What will happen when you tell him about his daddy being murdered?   

Before we continue, a bonus for aficionados of short guys: A dwarf swimming champ from Helsinki.  

More after the break

Lucas Brazzini, the obviously gay teen angst star from Brazil. How is he similar to Asher Angel? With a lot of teen angst d*cks

 

I was thinking of doing a profile of Asher Angel, whose Jonah  became the first canonical gay character on the Disney Channel in 2019, when he and his gay-subtext buddy Cyrus hold hands in the series finale of Andi Mack (2019).  Later he came out as bi.

Just holding hands?  Kelvin and Keefe did that in "Righteous Gemstones" Season 2, right after the sex scene, and fans continued to argue that they were straight buddies. 

But it turns out that I already reviewed Andi Mack.  How about Brazilian actor Lucas Burgatti, who the teen idol website names as "similar" to Asher Angel?  Presumably he played a gay character or is gay in real life. 

Plus he has an impossibly buffed physique, and his Instagram photos are all about men.

Lots of men.

Hugging and kissing men.

And doing that weird duck-face thing where you suck in your cheeks and push out your lips as far as possible to look like duck beaks. My research indicates that the duck-face has a long history -- primates do it -- but most recently it is being used to imitate female social media influencers, who were trying to demonstrate how the lipstick they were promoting looked.  So when men do it, it's a femme/gay thing?

What about Lucas' very, very heavily publicized relationship with Sophia Valverde in 2019, when they were both starring in the teen soap As Aventuras de Poliana?  It was mostly illustrated with photos of the two hugging while doing the duck-face, or Lucas kissing Sophia's cheek or the side of her head -- anywhere but her mouth.  I get it, buddy --  I was roped into a lot of dates with girls back in high school, and I always tried to avoid that gross kiss on the mouth.   

So obviously gay in real life.  Next, "Has he played any gay characters?"

Lucas is best known for hundreds of episodes of As Aventuras de Poliana (2018-2020) and its sequel, Poliana Moça (2020-22), "Poliana the Girl,"  with Sophia Valverde as the hapless orphan making friends and getting crushes on boys.  She has to choose between bad boy Eric  (Lucas) and poor-but-honest Joao (Igor Jansen).  

No gay characters.  Fans suggest a romance with Bento (Davi Campolongo), a "cultured, intelligent" boy who uses crutches and hides his piano-playing talent "out of shame."   But it would be purely subtextual.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit.