“Now this piece is called a rook, or castle if you want. It can move horizontally or vertically across the board, but it can’t go around other pieces.”
Cousin Karl nodded.
Vance paused to wonder again what the heck was happening. What was he -- the former head of a megachurch empire based on "old fashioned Christian morality" -- doing at a Queer Youth Game Night?
With his arch-nemesis Jesse...ugh...Gemstone?
Teaching his Cousin Karl to play chess while gazing at his massive biceps and wondering if he was big everywhere?
“This piece is called a bishop," he continued, trying to stop imagining Cousin Karl's dick.
“Looks like a cartoon character,” Karl said with a grin. “See his nose and mouth?
“Well, I’ll be…now that you mentioned it, I can’t see it any other way! But it’s supposed to be bishop’s hat, like Catholic bishops, right? He moves diagonally.”
“So the Catholic guy can’t be straight? He must be gay.”
Vance laughed.
March 10, 2025: The Round-Table Discussion of Candidates for the Top Christ Following Man
The question is "Should public schools teach a class in world religions?," but Kelvin interrupts to brag about his Prism ministry. Vance seizes the opportunity to complain about a "homosexual" being nominated: "God's Word is clear on this issue."
Kelvin gets all flustered and starts blustering about the Levitical Code.
Vance isn't stupid. He knows that it's not fair to latch onto one verse from the Code and ignore the others -- and that one verse wasn't even about modern homosexuals -- gays -- it was about temple prostitution. He knows that only a few Evangelicals think that God hates gays. None of the preachers in the Cape and Pistol Society think so. But he continues to dig at Kelvin, and when the boy wins the Top Christ Following Man award anyway, he screams about "homosexuals in our midst" on national tv.
"The Queen and King can move in any direction," Vance continued, "But the Queen can go as far as she wants, and the King can only move one space."
"I get it," Karl said, grinning. "Queens are the biggest and baddest of the pieces. I guess that makes me a Queen."
Vance. laughed. "You're bigger than anybody I've ever seen. But not bad. I think you're really nice."
Karl looked down at his hands. "Thank-ee."
November 3, 2024. The Cape and Pistol SocietyAs usual, Vance is trying to dig at Jesse Gemstone. The infuriating braggart thinks he's a much better preacher, but actually he's more successful because he comes from the Baptist tradition, and Vance is Wesleyan -- God requires perfection, no sins in thought, word, or deed. No alcohol, no movies, no dances, no eating out on the Sabbath, no rock music, no secular literature, just the Word of God. No wonder Jesse's laissez-faire "God loves you no matter what" fills the pews at the Salvation Center, and draws millions of views on their streaming service.
Jesse's brother-in-law BJ was injured while pole-dancing -- disgusting! -- so Vance implies that he is gay, and asks "How many homosexuals in your family?" "Two," Jesse answers.
Vance wondered who Jesse meant: his brother Kelvin and...Cousin Karl? No, he probably meant his son Pontius. Tonight Vance dropped by Jesse's house to taunt him a bit, and heard that Pontius and his boyfriend Stacy (yes, a boyfriend) were going to Queer Youth Game Night at Kelvin's house. They assured him that it was just board games, but he imagined cocks pushing through glory holes and guys in slings being gang-banged, so Jesse offered to bring him over to observe.
It was just board games:
Sorry, Clue, Uno, Apples and Apples. With Kelvin leading a gay trivia game in the parlor, a chaperone monitoring video games in the Game Room -- and in the kitchen, a massive man-mountain -- 6'7" (as Mae West used to say, "Forget the six foot; tell me about the seven inches"), bench press record 585 pounds, Top Strongman of the South three years running. With a smile that lit up the room.
Vance was only trying to be friendly when saw an unoccupied chess set and offered to teach Cousin Karl to play. And when he rubbed his leg against Cousin Karl's under the table.
"Ok, now the Knight, this horse-shaped piece, moves two squares vertical or horizontal, then one square perpendicular. Let me show you." He moved his Queen's Knight to C5. "It can also jump over other pieces, like that pawn, for instance."
"Sounds complicated."
"Well, anytime you do something that people aren't expecting, they're going to be confused. They may even get angry. But that's the place where you can be an individual, show them who you really are." He reached over and squeezed Karl's hand.
Suddenly Abraham, Jesse's youngest son -- short, slim, high school age -- rushed up to them. Vance quickly moved his hand away.
"I came out!" he exclaimed. "To my Dad. I mean, my Dad found out."
Karl turned to face him -- he was taller than Abraham, even sitting down! "How did it go?"
Left: Cousin Karl and Abraham from a few years ago.
"Like nothing. Like it was not a big deal at all." He fell against Karl's chest and hugged him.
"Your Daddy loves you," Karl said. "He doesn't care who you go out with."
"After what happened with Pontius, I was really worried. Hey, I gotta go tell Pontius and Stacy! See ya!" He rushed off.
"That boy is lucky!" Vance exclaimed. "You don't see many parents who are so accepting, especially when they have two gay kids."
"Three. I think Gideon is gay, too. He never says anything, but I never said anything to my Mama and Daddy, either. They just kind of figured it out when I started bringing boys around." He paused. "What about your folks, Rev. Simkins...I mean, Vance?"
The boy thought he was gay! Vance started to say "I'm just an ally," but then he figured that coming out as straight would decrease his likelihood of getting Karl's cock down his throat later. "I never really said anything to my parents, either."
More after the break
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