"This is the End": Celebrities are Left Behind, face cannibals, demons, gay sex, and Danny McBride

 I saw This is the End (2013) when it first appeared, and didn't really like it because (spoiler alert) it's about the Rapture.  When I was a kid, I was terrified of the Evangelical end-of-the-world event (not actually mentioned in the Bible) when everyone who is saved gets zapped up to heaven, and the unsaved are stuck on Earth. The preacher told horrifying stories of unsaved men waking up in the middle of the night to find their family gone, and gradually realizing that they are lost -- their sins can no longer be forgiven, so no matter how much they beg and cry, it's the Lake of Fire for all eternity.

But it stars some of my favorite actors, including two that I have a crush on, David Krumholtz (left) and Jay Baruchel (below), so I'll give it another shot.

Scene 1: LAX.  Seth Rogan picks up his buddy Jay Baruchel (bare butt, below), for the "best weekend ever" at his place, with his favorite things: Starburst, marijuana, and airheads. "I know you don't like LA, so I thought I'd lube it up a bit to ease the transition." "Much needed foreplay."  Discussing non-sexual things in sexual terms, har har.  Then: "I'm a well-known homosexual advocate."  I don't know what he means.  

Seth wants to go to James Franco's housewarming party, but Jay wants it to be just the two of them all weekend.  Awww... But they go.

Scene 2: At the house, Seth points out that Channing Tatum  lives nearby: "This is the sexiest street in America."  Jay chastises him for talking about Channing Tatum too much, but he counters: "I think he's attractive."  Ok, these guys are pretend-gay.

Franco: "This house is like a piece of me. You two stepped inside me." Seth: "You let us come inside you."  I'd better stop writing down all the gay-sex jokes, or I'll run out of space by Scene 3.

We meet various celebrities from the same general crew, having boring conversations. Jonah Hill appears to have an unrequited crush on Jay. Michael Cera (left) tries to kiss a guy. Later, Jay stumbles on him in the bathroom, getting blown and rimmed at the same time (by ladies). Craig sings for "all the ladies" to "take your panties off." 

Scene 3: Jay and Seth head to a convenience store for cigarettes.  Seth: "Is Michael Cera's butthole as cute as I pictured it?"  He's into guys' butts, har har.  Suddenly there's an explosion, and some of the customers rise through the ceiling in shafts of blue light!  

Outside, people are rising in shafts of blue light everywhere, driver-less cars are crashing, power lines are down...and back at Franco's house, everything is normal (only the good people went to heaven, so no celebrities, of course).  No one believes them.

Jonah says that Jay is "a sweetheart," implying that he's attracted to him, and everyone looks at him in disgust.  Wait -- you were all expressing homoerotic interest just a few seconds ago.

Scene 4: There's an earthquake, so everyone rushes outside -- and the whole city is in flames!   Then a giant sinkhole open, and almost everyone falls in.  Only Jay and Craig try to save their friends.  They survive, along with Franco, Jonah, and Seth. Before the tv dies, they get a few news reports -- martial law declared, Air Force One is down (The preacher told us that there had to be an unsaved pilot on every flight, in case of Rapture).

They start boarding up the house, inventorying supplies, and ineptly repairing the damage. Gay joke: Craig tries to move a giant ceramic dick: "That dick's coming now.  I got that big dick."

More after the break

Andrew Rannells and Adam Devine bromance? With bonus bulge, butt, and dick pics.

 

Looking for Adam Devine content, I came across a Reddit post stating that he and Andrew Rannells were bromantic partners.  Plus a 2015 interview in PopSuger proclaiming that they are "Your New Favorite Comedy Duo," 

First question: wasn't Adam already involved with Zac Efron?  How many men can a straight guy be in love with, and still identify as straight?

Second question: Andrew is gay, and has a boyfriend.  Can a straight guy and a gay guy have a bromance?  Regular platonic friendship, sure, but wouldn't an intense, passionate, physical relationship get weird?  Surely the "we might be having gay sex, har har" jokes would be ruined if one of the guys was really having gay sex. 

Third question: In what way were they a comedy duo?  The PopSugar interview was about them starring together in The Intern (2015), featuring Robert DeNiro as an oldster who becomes a "senior intern" at an online women's clothing company.  Andrew plays Cameron, the Vice President, who pitches the senior intern idea, and Adam plays Josh, an employee whom DeNiro helps with his (heterosexual) love life.  They don't interact.

They also appeared together in Why Him (2015), known as The Boyfriend in French.  Andrew plays Blaine Pederman, owner of an online greeting company (like greeting cards without the stamps), one of the guys hanging out with app billionaire and gay sex aficionado Tyson Modell (Adam); but they barely interact.  Tyson spends more time befriending Scotty Fleming, son of the focus character.

Extensive research has yielded no evidence that Adam and Andrew had an off-screen friendship.  I think it was just an advertising stunt that some Reddit-ers took seriously.

Oh, well, at least it gives me an excuse to post some nude pics of the guys. Adam first.  His penis is well-known.

And his butt.

Andrew after the break

I learn about gay sex in the church parking lot

 

When I was a kid, our Nazarene church had only one preacher, whose main job was screaming and banging the pulpit for an hour three times a week (researching and writing sermons is more time-consuming than you may think).  

But when I was in ninth grade, we got a Youth Minister, in charge of kid and teen activities like Junior Joys, Nazarene Young People's Society, the Afterglow (a party after the Sunday evening service), and Canvassing (going door to door to witness).

The Preacher might be elderly, but the Youth Minister had to be young, cool, and attractive enough to keep kids interested.  Ours was Brother Bob, fresh out of Olivet, in his early 20s, tall, with enormously broad shoulders, a barrel chest, and gigantic hands.

Unfortunately, I never saw him shirtless -- he always wore a suit and tie, the Nazarene equivalent of a clerical collar.  But when I went down to the altar to get saved or sanctified, he came down and wrapped his huge hard arm around me, and I could feel his hard barrel chest against my back.

You could hardly miss the gigantic Mortadella+ swinging around in his pants every time he moved. Particularly in NYPS, when we were kneeling to pray, and he walked from person to person to see if we needed help: his crotch was exactly at eye level.  And at least once, when he hugged me after altar call, I felt it press against me like a salami stuffed in his pants.

One Sunday night at the beginning of tenth grade, I walked out into the parking lot during altar call to escape from the frenetic shouting, and saw Terry and Dave, twelfth grade best buddies, talking in the shadowy area by the church bus.

Dave was a member of church royalty, with perfectly cut black hair, perfect teeth, and an athletic physique.  
Terry was slim, with dirty-blond hair almost too shaggy to meet Nazarene standards, an aspiring Gospel singer from an unsaved family.  He backslid every few weeks and had to go down to the altar again.

I didn't usually associate with twelfth graders -- the three year age gap seemed unbreachable.  But I had to say "hello," or they might think I was spying on them.

"Ten inches, easy!" Dave was saying.  "Brother Bob's is bigger than Brother Dino's by a long shot.  No way it's happening!"

"I'm telling you, she's got nothing to worry about," Terry countered.

They were discussing a man's dick!  "Have you guys really seen Brother Bob down there?" I asked.

"I have!" Dave said. "Just before NYPS tonight -- he was at the urinal next to me in the bathroom. Man, that guy's a giant!  Bigger than Brother Dino!  Sister Cindy could never take all that -- it would break her in half."

Like all preachers, Brother Bob was married -- to Sister Cindy, very short, slim,  petite. His hand could almost fit around her waist.  They were like Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

"Oh, and you think going down on it will work better?" Terry asked.  "The mouth is smaller than the [vagina], wise guy!"

Go down on it? 

"I'm hung like a horse," Dave said. "Girls are always saying 'oh, it's too big, it hurts'!  But they go down on it with no problem at all."

"Let's let the kid decide."  Terry turned to me and put his hand on my shoulder.  "Say you were a lady, and your guy had extra-extra-extra large equipment."

I imagined Brother Bob, naked, his muscles damp with sweat, his enormous uncut Mortadella aroused and waiting.

More after the break

Modern Family Episode 5.17: Gay stereotyping, traditional gender roles, Adam Devine, and a nude Dylan bonus

 

I watched the first five seasons of Modern Family (2009-2014), but stopped when we moved to streaming services.  Back then, I posted about rampant gay stereotyping and explicit homophobia, especially with Adam Devine (Andy the Nanny). I don't remember why, so to check, I reviewed Episode 5.17 (2014), the last before the two-part season finale.

Note: There are 12 members of the Modern Family, so pairs and trios split up for separate plots.  Although they are scattered through the episodes, I will cover them separately.

Set-Up: Family dinner at Patriarch Jay's house.  He suggests watching basketball next, adding with a sneer that his adult son Mitchell wouldn't be interested because he is gay.  Mitchell counters: "Unlike you, I don't need a reason to watch men in shorts."  The possibility that men might find basketball players attractive ruins the game for Jay.  Forget Andy -- Jay is the homophobic one!  

The A Plot: Mitchel and Cam, the gay couple, and teenagers Manny and Alex (a girl).   They are all going to an art museum to see a Kandinsky Exhibit.  Jay finds it inconceivable that a straight boy would be interested in art.

On the way, they criticize the rest of the family's lack of refinement.  Jay buys his books at the grocery store!  The best way to get Claire to fall asleep is to show her a movie with subtitles!  

Then they discover that the Kandinsky exhibit is closed!  Problem: Cameron doesn't know anything about art, so he read up on Kandinsky so he wouldn't be embarrassed.  But now they're discussing Matisse, and he 's lost.  After making a fool of himself, he goes to wait in the car.  Dude, art is for everybody. They have self-guided tours and texts to help you understand everything.

 Next Mitchell reveals that he doesn't know anything about art either.  He leaves in embarrassment. Two remain.  But Manny doesn't know anything about art, either!  Why did they want to go?

 The B Plot: Claire, Gloria, and Lily.  Cam and Mitchell explain that they're out buying a flower-girl dress for their  daughter to wear at their wedding.  Why both of them?  So the dress isn't too mundane (Claire) or "cucaracha" (Gloria).  I remember cringing at the constant stereotyping. Gloria is from Colombia, depicted as a horrible country where everyone lives in absurd poverty and gets shot all the time. 

Gloria insists that Lily keep trying on dresses, because she only has sons and never gets to go dress shopping.  Claire doesn't even like dresses; she didn't wear one at her own wedding.  Gloria is shocked.  "You must try one on! Then you can go back to your boy clothes."  So Claire tries on some wedding dresses, and is transfixed by the wonderfulness of gender-normative behavior.

The C Plot: Jay, his teenage grandson Luke (left, recent photo).   The boy mentions that he's planning to buy a pottery wheel for his ceramics class. Jay is upset, assuming that Luke is gay, but he explains that he is taking art to meet girls. Jay points out a problem with this plan: the girls in the class will think you're gay, and not want to have sex with you. He suggests learning woodworking instead.  Wood shop was a required class for boys in my junior high.  I mostly tried to avoid being noticed, and got a D-.

In the woodshop, apprised that a tool is a table vise, Luke begins singing "Edelweiss," and Jay lays down the law: "I've already been through this with Mitchell.  This is what we're trying to prevent."  Woodworking won't keep your grandson from being gay, Dude. But he already said that he likes girls.

Jay says that he wants to teach Luke all the things he need to know to be a man, because his son Mitchell and Gloria's son Manny were both fruity, and not interested.  He demonstrates his machismo by benching 205 pounds! (wow, I can only do 180).  Impressed, Luke says: "Tell me everything you know about women."  This is super-problematic.

The D Plot: Claire's husband Phil, her daughter Haley, the nanny Andy.  He is trying to think of a romantic anniversary gift for his girlfriend, who is deployed out in the Coast Guard. Maybe banana bread?  Phil suggests making her a video instead, depicting all of the things he's willing to do for her.

First up:  pretending to be swimming underwater with sharks (no beefcake).  Whoops, Haley walks into the frame, ruining it!   She suggests a visit instead, but the girlfriend is doesn't get shore leave very often. 

Andy's face is shining, so Phil goes off to fetch some makeup.  He is careful to specify that it's his WIFE's makeup, so Andy won't think that he's gay.  What's with the homophobia? 

Haley's date is late.  Andy gets all conciliatory: "that's rude.  A real man would be more considerate of the most incredibly beautiful, wonderful woman on the face of the Earth."  You have a girlfriend, remember?

More after the break

When We First Met: Adam time-travels and bulges to win the Girl. Plus a Kelvin/Keefe moment.

 

I've reviewed a lot of Adam Devine's work, looking for gay subtexts, and he does not disappoint: nearly every movie is loaded with homoerotic interest.  Even romcoms where he wins The Girl of His Dreams.

So I'm anxious to review When We First Met (2018).   Check out the poster (below): it looks like Adam is trying to keep the Girl and his rival from kissing, but you can also read it as Adam trying to decide between his rival and the Girl.

Scene 1: November 1, 2017. Beautiful establishing shots of New Orleans (except no French Quarter).  A fancy party.  Noah (Adam Devine) is gazing at Avery (a woman), who is gushing over the fact three years ago today, she met "someone special."  Aww, are they engaged? 

Flashback to October 31, 2014. Wait, she said exactly three years ago.  This is three years and a day. A Halloween party.  Amid all the guests in sexy costumes, we see Noah dressed as super-nerd Garth from Wayne's World.  That's no way to pick up chicks.

Whoa, when he walks past Tony Cavalero  (Keefe), dressed as Angus Young of AC/DC, he stops to grin.  Precognition much?   You'll be falling in love with him next year. He then has a spilled-drink meet-cute with Avery, and guesses that she is dressed as Tom Hanks.  Even I know that's a bad move, and I haven't tried to pick up a girl since...well, ever.

She guesses that Noah is her lesbian cousin, then changes to Garth.  Yep: "The key to doing a good Garth impression is to make your  mouth into a tiny butthole." Dude, watching you flub like this is almost painful.  At least he takes the Garth-wig and glasses off so she can see his intense gorgeousness.  Maybe that will counteract his faux-pas.

Scene 2: Yep: as they watch the male-female couples making out, she asks "Do you want to get out of here?"  Translation: "You're a goofball, but incredibly hot. Let's have sex."  But first  he takes her to the jazz club where he works.  He plays the piano, makes funny faces and sings "You Make Me Wanna Shout."   Not going to get you laid, Dude.  Then get their picture taken in a mysterious photo booth. 

Back to her place, but instead of getting sexy, Noah wants to play foosball and eat Cookie Crisp cereal.  Dude, why do you keep stalling? This is the way gay guys act with their female friends.  Eventually he moves in for a kiss.

Back to 2017: Avery tells the crowd, "And that's when I realized that I was in love."  Wait -- she's engaged to Ethan (Robbie Amell).  She must have met him on November 1st, the morning after her hookup with Noah (who is smiling to put a brave front on his broken heart).  So he's been in the friend zone for three years, while Avery was with another guy?  Shouldn't he have given up and moved on long ago? 

Noah drinks a lot and throws up.  Avery and Ethan go into the bathroom to see what's wrong.  He claims food poisoning, while looking at Avery with a lovelorn expression that anyone would notice instantly.  Ethan gives him some crackers and mineral water -- he really cares about the guy -- then kisses Avery, which makes Noah even sicker.  She asks her plain-jane roommate to give him a ride home.

Scene 3: Instead of home, Noah asks the plain-jane roommate to take him to his jazz-club workplace, where we meet his Best Bud (King Bach) (identified as absurdly hetero-horny from his first line). 

He explains what happened back on October 31st, 2014: he moved in for a kiss, but Avery gave him a hug instead, saying how nice it was to have a guy friend: "I left never knowing where I went wrong."  Got an hour or so?  I have a list.

 He figured he'd get a second chance, but the very next day, "fate kicked me in the ball sack." Avery was shopping for Cookie Crisp cereal, when Ethan appeared in her aisle, a shirtless winged centaur!  Whoa -- if for some reason they didn't want to share and I had to pick one,   it's be Robbie.  Sure, Adam is one of the most handsome men on the planet, and he has a spectacular cock, but in between, Robbie Amell's got the goods.    

Darn, I was so busy commenting on the first two scenes that I'm out of space, and we haven't even gotten to the time-travel plot.  Noah returns to the photo booth and keeps getting zapped back to Halloween 2014 for a day. He goes to the party (interacting with Cavalero's Angus Young every time), and tries different strategies: knowing everything about Avery; being nice; being a jerk; being career-driven.  Either things go terribly wrong, or else he gets Avery and everyone is miserable when he returns to 2017.  Guess who he ends up with, Avery, Ethan, the plain-jane roommate, or the best bud?

Beefcake:  All three of the male stars shirtless, plus Adam's bulge when he's wearing leather pants.

Gay Characters: None, not even in crowd scenes.  Two references: Avery mentions her lesbian cousin, and Noah asks if she is at the Halloween party as a "tranny" (when he's being a jerk).

Gay Subtext:  Occasionally guys will be told "get a room!" when they look too chummy.

When the Best Bud is showing Noah how to look sexy, Cavalero gives him a double-take.  A blink-and-you-miss-it moment, and very, very subtle, but as gay as it gets. 

My Grade: Ordinarily I would mark points off for the lack of LGBT representation or subtexts, but Adam is just too much fun to watch.  Not only because of his hotness -- he carries every scene, and he's friggin' hilarious.  I can't recall when I've laughed so much in a hetero romcom. B+

Bonus: Robbie Amell bulge.

Another bulge.  He has not yet shown us his penis, but you can get a good idea

And his butt

Eight Penises and Packages of South Carolina

 The Righteous Gemstones is set in Rogers, South Carolina, either a stand-in for Charleston or a suburb.  I've visited Charleston, Walterboro (about an hour west) and other cities several times, most recently in October 2022  (no Gemstones sites -- I was not yet aware that the show existed).  Here are some photos of South Carolina penises and packages that I may or may not have seen in real life

The nude photos are all from public websites or posted with permission of the subject.

1.Walterboro nude

2. Spiderman, ready for trick-or-treating in Charleston's French Quarter

3. At home, Charleston

Old City Market, Charleston

4.Halloween Parade

5. Gullah Island

More after the break