"Human Discoveries" Episode 1.1: Paleolithic hunks invent underwear. With nude Zac Efron and Milo Ventimiglia

 

Human Discoveries (2019) is an animated series (available on Facebook) about a group of Paleolithic humans who discover things like fire, relationships, and underwear.  Zac Efron stars as Gary, a loveable nebbish looking for love, community, and a way to avoid getting his butt bitten. Adam Devine appears in Episode 1 as the leader of an elk community.  I reviewed the first episode, to check for gay characters or subtexts.

Scene 1:  Ugg (Paul Scheer), a bare-chested caveman, comes running out of some bushes. I'm a fan already. 

He and several other muscle guys run through the jungle, chased by a giant sabre-toothed tiger. They reach a cliff, and have to jungle-vine over it.  Bart, doesn't make it; the tiger starts eating him.  The guys make excuses to not save him.

Scene 2: Jane complains about the gender-inequality of their society: the women have to weave baskets and gather fruit, while the men get to fight the tiger that's been preying on them.

At a community meeting, Ugh admits that the tiger is still out there.  Jane raises her concerns about gender equality; Gary (Zac Efron) agrees -- why not have everyone do the job they're best at?  His  roommate Trog (Lamorne Morris, left) thinks that he just wants to impress Jane. 

Meanwhile, the elk are discussing their predicament as prey to the humans. Leader Elk (Adam Devine) complains: "Why are they cared of the tiger but not us? We weigh a thousand pounds, and have spears growing out of our heads."  

Scene 3: Night.  Gary and Jane flirt, and almost kiss, but they are interrupted by the camp guard being eaten ("Why is it starting with my feet?). 

Back in the cave, Gary disapproves of the skirts they wear while hunting -- too easy for his dick to be injured -- so he sews in some nuderwear (nice butt shot)  Trog disapproves: how can they poop with that thing on?

I know this isn't supposed to be historically accurate, but I can't help pointing out that no one in the Paleolithic Era actually lived in caves.  They lived in tents, and in some regions huts made of mammoth bones.  

Scene 4: The men go off to fight the tiger, and the women are assigned to weave baskets.  Jane starts a rebellion: they're going to fight, too. But who's going to weave the baskets?  Jane appoints an old guy who is a closet basket-weaver.  "No more hiding!" he exclaims, displaying the baskets he has hiding in "the closet."

In the wild, Gary brags about the comfort and support his new genital hammock offers.  Two of the hunters, Tristain and Bog (James Adomian, Sam Richardson) are a canonical couple: later, when the group discovers "relationships," they point out that they've been together for years. But here they just display some enthusiasm for each other's accomplishments.  

Scene 5:  The women dig holes and build scarecrows with spikes in the head, hoping that the tiger will attack and impale itself.  But when the tiger arrives, chasing the men, it is not impaled.  It approaches Gary -- who poops his pants, distracting the tiger long enough for Ugg-- to spear it.

Unfortunately, the women were so busy building the scarecrows and digging  holes that they forgot to gather any fruit to eat. So Ugg decrees that the gender-polarized work assignments will remain.

More after the break

"Warm Bodies": A zombified Nicholas Hoult meets a girl. With Rob Conddrey cock

 

I'm going to have to stop this "Give me four movies to select from" strategy for Movie Night.  Last night my choices were:

Stand by Me: Same-sex love among homophobic kids vanishes when they grow up and get married. Geez.

Bad Hair: A horror movie about hair care products?

All of Us Strangers: Bereaved gay gay falls in love with a ghost? F*k the Sadness.

Warm Bodies.  Nicholas Hoult, on the icon, was cute, and how could a movie about zombies go wrong?

A zombie (Nicholas) narrates. He can't remember his name, but later his human girlfriend names him R, as in Romeo or ARRR!  His limited cognitive ability means that he doesn't remember what happened, sparing us scenes about the origin of the zombie Apocalypse. 

Left: Nicholas butt.

ARRR spends most of his time plodding around the Montreal-Trudeau airport with the other zombies, hanging out with his friend MMM (Rob Conddry) -- all they do is grunt at each other, but isn't that what living guys do, har har -- and filling his airplane-lair with knicknacks that he scavenged.  

Next door, behind a wall much too high to be even slightly believable, the humans live in a refugee camp and scrounge for food. Except for the evil President, who lives in a palace.

Some of the town teenagers, including the President's daughter Julie -- Juliet, get it? --  and her boyfried Perry -- go beyond the wall to scrounge for medical supplies, and the zombies attack. ARRR sees Julie, and gets the most exaggeratedly corny "love at first sight" look that they ever taught you not to do in acting school.  He notices Perry, and gets rid of the competition by eating him.  

But in this world, when you eat someone, even a tiny piece, you absorb their memories.  ARRR absorbs Perry's memories, all of which involve Julie: falling in love when they are toddlers, their first kiss, their first sexual experience, their declaration of love, and so on ad infinitum. 

Through the entire movie, I thought Perry was being played by Zac Efron.  No, it's someone named Dave Franco, who could be Zac's identical twin.  Seriously, they look exactly alike. 

The other teens just hide until the zombies leave, but ARRR tricks Julie into thinking that he has to save her.  He takes her to his airplane, and they proceed to fall in love.

Eventually Julie wants to return to human society, mainly because there's almost nothing left to eat at the airport, so ARRR tries to sneak her out.  The other zombies want to attack,but he holds her hand and -- get this -- they instantly calm down. "Oh, you're in love.  Why didn't you say so?  Even brain-dead zombies understand that heterosexual romance is the most important thing in the universe.  Go on through."

More heterosexism after the break

Adam's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: Gold's Gym, grapes, ben wa balls, and 69

This is a collection of hot or humorous photos of Adam Devine.  I've already posted almost all of his dick and butt photos, but not to worry, there are dicks and butts of other guys.

1. Bro, you don't have to be actually made of gold to join Gold's Gym.

2. Steve Howey, one of the gay terrorists in Game Over, Man

3. You think every guy wants a hickey, dude.

4. "Quick, make a funny face!  Maybe they won't notice where my hand is!"

5. In Captain Fail, Adam plays an unqualified, inept spaceship captain.  Jason Ritter plays his arrogant rival.

6. Adam always treats his fans like buddies or boyfriends.

More Adam after the break.  Warning: Explicit

Zac Efron's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 2: Penis expert Adam Devine evaluates Zac Efron's. With some examples.

In Neighbors, 2014, Zac Efron plays a fraternity dude who butt heads with neighbor Seth Rogan. The Workaholics guys had a cameo as fratboys from an earlier generation, so Zac and Seth responded by applying for jobs on their show.

Zac wooes Adam by giving him a lap dance, and then whipping it out.  "Holy God, it's amazing!" Adam exclaims.  He's an expert on dicks, but he's never seen anything like it. "Did Leonardo da Vinci sculpt that? It's beautiful."

Of course, the guy with the biggest dick gets the job.

Adam didn't actually get to see Zac's dick that day, but he did in 2015, when they starred as hapless brothers in Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.

"It's a very handsome dick," he tells us, "It's just as veiny as his arms." 

Later -- yes, he's asked about it a lot -- he said "It's as thick as his arm, and veiny!"

The guys were in the midst of a hot-and-heavy bromance that lasted until 2021, when Adam married Chloe Bridges.  So doubtless he's seen it many times since.

But we haven't.

Zac has appeared semi-nude several times in movies and on tv.  We've seen his butt.  We see his physique from the waist up all the time.  But he keeps the beneath-the-belt stuff reserved for girlfriends and bromantic partners.

Penis after the break

Brad Pitt: Nice abs, but Adam Devine has a bigger dick

 

Brad Pitt has been part of our lives since his cowboy hitchhiker took off his shirt in Thelma and Louise (1991). A short list of his most beloved movies has to include Interview with the Vampire, Legends of the Fall, Fight Club, Ocean's Eleven, World War Z, and Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

Only one gay role -- The Normal Heart (2014) -- but lots of gay subtexts, from vampires to con artists to imagniary friends.

Brad is regularly listed as the hottest man alive or the sexist man alive, and he doesn't appear to age -- in 2023 he's still as buffed as he was is 1993.  And, fortunately for us, he's not shy about showing off his physique on camera.

The only nudity we've seen is his butt, while sexing a lady to detract from the hotness.

Cocks after the break

"You're the Worst" Episode 3.1: A homophobic rapper hooks up with a gay stereotype, plus Stephen Schneider and some butts

 

To see if Stephen Schneider (Stephen Downes of Season 3) has played any gay characters, I googled his name and "gay," and this clip came up on youtube.  He's not in it.

A blond guy and a woman are standing at an apartment door . He asks "He never gave you the key?"  She says no, so he bangs.  

A very muscular black guy in his underwear answers. Shocked, he says "Oh...shit.  Hey guys."

Blondie: "What the hell are you doing?"   

Muscle Guy: "Sorry.  We needed a place."

Woman: "For what?"

A swishy guy appears with a flourish, also in his underwear.  They stare in shock.  

Woman (Disgusted): "You're GAY????"

Muscle Guy (Upset): "No!!!!!  But this n-word's son sucks really good dick."  So the gay guy has a black parent?

The whole exchange -- the looks of shock and disgust, the need to defend yourself against the horrifying accusation, the gay guy's pronounced swishiness --- displays just the sort of jaw-dropping homophobia that I hate running into at 4:00 am.

The caption reads: You're the Worst - Brandon Mychal Smith.  So let's look it up. 

You're the Worst is a tv series that lasted for five years on FX (2014-2019), but was so under-exposed that I don't recall seeing a single commercial.  Most episodes drew between .2 and .5 million viewers.  It featured a romance between two horrible people, writer Jimmy (Chris Geere, the Blond Guy in the clip) and public relations person Gretchen.  

The homophobic scene is from Episode 1.3, "Keys Open Doors."  TO put it in context, I watched the whole episode. 

Scene 1: Morning.  After a night of carousing, Jimmy and Gretchen are lying naked, asleep, on the ground outside his house.

Cut to Jimmy pooping (butt shot) while Gretchen uses the hand nozzle of the shower to masturbate.  Jimmy notes that he uses it too, in his butt.

They've spent six or seven nights together, so Gretchen wants a key to his apartment.  He refuses, so she rushes out in passive-aggressive rage. 

Scene 2: Edgar (Desmin Borges, left and below), Jimmy's horrible roommate, cooks breakfast.  They discuss the key request as a symbol of banality and predictability, leading to "shopping for sconces at Williams-Sonoma."

Scene 3: At the coffee shop, Gretchen and her friend Lindsay discuss the key request,  Lindsay's husband cheating, and "snorting in her vag."  So she's bisexual?  

Her assistant rushes in with a crisis: Sam the Rapper gave an interview to a college newspaper, and used "gay" and "faggot" 37 times!   And the interviewer was the president of the gay student association!  So, if he said all that to a straight person, it would be fine?

More after the break

"Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates": bulges and biceps, but where's the plot?

 

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016) gets a 36% on Rotten Tomatoes. A reviewer says that "It's definitely a movie to watch when you don't want to think too much." 

 I always want to think while watching a movie; structural analysis is the fun part. But it stars Adam Devine, whose jaw-dropping gorgeosity makes almost anything watchable, and his bromantic partner Zac Efron, who is also sort of cute, so here goes.

Scene 1:  Mike (Adam) is trying to sell his brand of tequila to a bar owner, using Dave (Zac) as a plant.  Except the bartender knows him -- they hang out! And the guys try this every couple of weeks.  He buys the tequila anyway.  The guys hug.  Zac is established as heterosexual in Minute 1.

Scene 2: Montage of the guys frolicking at parties -- trampoline, fireworks, kissing girls.. Beefcake shots of both. . Cut to them returning to their apartment to find two heterosexual couples -- Mom and Dad!  I'm guessing Mom and Dad got divorced and married other people, so there are four parents. 

They complan that the guys keep going to parties stag, htting on girls, and ruining things.  Wait -- in the montage, everyone was having fun. Nothing was ruined.  And the "hitting on girls" was a mutual flirtation, not a sleazy come-on.  Mom and Dad are being unreasonable.

Uh-oh, the montage was an unreliable narrator.  A lot of those parties turned into disasters. So Mom and Dad lay down the law: at the upcoming wedding, they must each bring a date (they specify a girl).  How will that keep the fireworks from destroying a camper, or grandpa from being pushed into his birthday cake?

Oh, and it turns out that the second couple is their sister Jeannie and her fiance Erik (Sam Richardson)

Character development: Mike is aggressive, easily-angered, and a schemer, while Dave is quiet, stable, and has to be talked into the craziness.  Mike saved Dave from bullies when they were in school. Shouldn't Dave be saving Mike?  Zac Efron is about twice as muscular as Adam Devine, and has a bigger dick, and everybody knows that you need a big dick to fight bullies.

Scene 3:  Betty and Veronica (um...I mean Alice and Tatiana) working in a sleazy bar. Alice gets drunk and dances on a table, so the boss fires them both.  They go home and watch a video of Alice getting dumped at the altar (by Kyle Smigielski, left), and exclaim "Fuck him right in the dick!"  I'm not sure a dick can get fucked by anothe dick.  Sounded, maybe. They reminisce about vodka brownies and wet t-shirt contests.

Meanwhile, the guys wonder where they can find nice, respectable girls to take to the wedding: Match.com, Tinder, Grindr (really?), Craigslist? 

They post their ad - "two incredibly gorgeous guys offer a free weekend in Hawaii" -- and the number of responses breaks the internet. 

Bob (Bob Turton) sees the ad. His friends tell him it's just for girls; he replies "that's not a dealbreaker," and goes to the interview in drag. He explains that he's new to drag, but he just got out of a divorce, and wants to fuck. They refuse graciously. 

Two lesbians respond: "I'm not really looking for a heteronormative relationship."  That's not what heteronormative means, ladies. 

Other responses: druggies, sleazoids, prostitutes, a racist. Check, please!

Scene 4: The guys discussing their plight on the Wendy show. She wants to know how two incredibly gorgeous guys have trouble finding dates. "Well, we only want nice, respectable girls." That doesn't explain it, dude. Sleazoids Tatiana and Alice, getting high in their underwear, see the show and figure that they can play respectable.

Later, the guys are in a bar, bemoaning their plight: because of Dad's "old tomato" (ultimatum -- these boys are dumb with a capital q),  they won't be able to attend their sister's wedding.  Cue the girls in ridiculous pink skirts and 1960s hairdos. How did they find out where the guys are?   Tatiana stages a meeting by leaping onto the windshield of a taxi and pretending to be hurt, so Mike can give her inept mouth-to-mouth.

Scene 5: In a bar getting to know each other, the girls make up jobs (school teacher and hedge fund manager) and back stories ("My ex died of cancer...in a plane crash.").  Veronica (I mean Tatiana) makes risque double entendres at Mike and gets him eroused. Dave shows his girl, Betty (I mean Alice)  his drawings of  anthropomorphized booze, including a unicorn with an erect penis-horn.  Like penises, Dave?  Minimal plot dump: he wants to be an artist, but is being held back by his low self-esteem. And before you know it, they're off to Hawaii.

Left: random naked Hawaiian guy

More after the break

Zac Efron's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1: Nude Photos of Adam Devine's Bromantic Partner

Zac Efron is best known for High School Musical and his bromance with Adam Devine.  It's  platonic-ish, gay around the edges: Adam often discusses his erotic attraction to Zac, and brags about seeing his penis -- several times.  (Of course, almost everyone who sees Zac wants to sleep with him.) 

The bromance probably began, or at least became part of their public personas,  when the Workaholics guys did a cameo for Neighbors (2014), playing stoner frat guys from an earlier generation.  Zac and Seth Rogan, the stars of Neighbors, returned the favor: in a promo video for the Season 4 finale, they apply to become the guys' new cubicle mates. Zac gives Adam a lap dance and gets the job.

In Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016), Adam and Zac play gay-subtext brothers who for some reason can't get girlfriends. Can't two of the hottest men on the planet just walk up to anyone they like and ask?   They eventually find some girls who will accept their quirks, but still, their non-fraternal love for each other shines through.  And off camera, after two years of trying, Adam finally got a chance to see Zac's penis.

And the rest of him.

Adam always distracts us from his jaw-dropping gorgeousity by making funny faces.  All Zac has to do is keep his shirt on.

Easier said than done.

Nude photos of Zac after the break.