"What You Wish For": Nick Stahl plays a chef who discovers what's on the menu. With two n*de Ecuadorian dudes

  


What You Wish For (2023) just dropped on Hulu.  It stars Nick Stahl, who played a lot of conflicted queer teenagers back in the day, so I'm in.

Scene 1: A very craggy Nick Stahl arrives in an unspecified South American country (very near the equator, so maybe Ecuador).  He tries to get a cab, but he doesn't speak Spanish, and the taxi drivers don't speak English...then he sees that his host sent a driver!

Through the jungle to a beautiful ultra-modern house.  The host left a note: he won't be back until late, but make yourself at home.  So Nick cooks himself an omelette.

Uh-oh, a text from Rabbit: he wants the $50,000 right away.  Leaving the country won't help: "I'll track you down."  Gambling debts?




Scene 2
: Jack (Brian Groh) arrives.  Back story: they were roommates in culinary school 12 years ago, and haven't seen each other since. So, whose idea was this reunion?   Nick is a failure, reduced to cooking in a hotel kitchen ("a lot of roast chicken"), while Jack travels to exotic locations all over the world: he spends a week in the ritzy house, vetting ingredients, prepping, and cooking a meal for rich people.  He's paid extraordinarily well for this.  "But it's not as exciting as it sounds.  My bosses are assholes, and...well..."

Scene 3: They drive into town.  Jack complains about cooking for the super-rich among the most impoverished people you've ever met.  When they stop for lunch, Jack asks "So, do you have a wife or girlfriend back home?"  No.  You forgot to ask about a boyfriend or husband, buddy.

Not to worry, a tourist named Alice, having a "spontaneous adventure," joins them, and asks if they're together.  "No, we haven't seen each other in twelve years."  That doesn't tell her if you are gay.

They invite her back to the house to see which is the best chef (she prefers Nick's risotto).  Then they go swimming, and Alice and Jack head off to bed. Hetero identity established at Minute 15. Interesting that there's no question about who Alice will hook up with. Is Nick not into ladies?

Scene 4: In the morning, Jack drives Alice back to her hotel, and returns to hang out with Nick again.  

"Why do you need a whole week to source the ingredients for just one meal?"

"It's complicated.  My bosses are...well, people are just the worst, selfish a-holes.  And they're destroying the planet.  We'll all be dead in ten years, so what's the point."

Scene 5: The next morning, Nick wakes up to discover that Jack has hanged himself!  This came as a shock.

He doesn't grieve much, because he didn't really know the guy.  Suddenly Rabbit texts: "I need that $50,000 or your mum gets it!"  

Nick gets the bright idea of stealing Jack's identity, raiding his bank account to pay his gambling debts, and taking his place in the cushy chef job.  He talks his way into changing the password on Jack's bank account, then rushes out and buys a fake id.

Later that day, director Imogine and her assistant Maurice (Juan Carlos Messier) arrive, and are horrified that he's been there for a week,b ut hasn't vetted out the meat yet.  "No problem: it's just one meal.  I'll buy it tomorrow." 

"Buy it?  Are you daft?"  Uh-oh.

Director Imogene rushes him to a convenience store in town; maybe someone there is healthy.  Nope, they'll have to try again tomorrow.   Healthy?  Finally Nick realizes that he's supposed to cook people! 

Scene 6: Nick tries to leave during the night and change back to his Nick identity, but they are both up.  They sense that he's trying to leave, and explain: they serve 50 meals a year, but often choose two people, in case one is "rotten."  That's about 75 deaths per year, far fewer than workers in the oil industry, or cab drivers. Plus they channel 10% off their profits back into the community they harvest from, so it's a win-win.

But they're counting on Nick.  If he refuses to cook, or prepares a bad meal, he's dead.


Scene 7:
 In the morning, Maurice takes him into the village, where Sunday Mass is just letting out.  They set their sights on a teenage girl, but she's with an old lady, who would be no good.  An  auto mechanic named Jose (Felipe Solano) looks ok.  Maurice flirts with him, finds out about his interest in sports and healthy eating habits, and shoots him. 

Uh-oh, the two ladies have contacted the police, who interrogate Maurice.  He claims that they're scoping out sites for a possible hotel.  Nick is the architect.


Scene 8
: Back at the house, Nick has the job of prepping the body.

Left: Jose, N*de Dude #1










Want to see his frontside?

Afterwards Nick tries to run away again, but accidentally hits a member of the grounds crew (and crashes the car).  

Maurice tells him that only one chef has ever been allowed to quit: she cooked so well that the Agency was impressed, but instead of payment she asked to be released, and they agreed.  So maybe Nick could cook an exceptional meal, and get ou that way?

Scene 9: He announces four courses: Carpaccio with pozole soup; turnip spaghetti carbonara with sage beurre noisette; thigh Bourdelaise and beets;  and tongue sashimi for dessert (requested by one of the guests).  You don't generally think of beets and turnips as South American, but they grow specialized tropical varieties in Ecuador.


More after the break.  

"The Naked Brothers Band," the most heterosexist teencom on Nickelodeon. Plus the grown-up brothers' cocks, butts, and gay-vague characters.


Around 2008, I researched queer codes on children's tv for what turned out to be three scholarly articles.  I gave high scores to Drake and Josh,  Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide,  The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, The Wizards of Waverly Place, and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.  Phil of the Future, Ed Edd and Eddy, and Zoey 101 got low scores, and the lowest: The Naked Brothers Band.

It was a mockumentary about the misadventures of a fictional band led by preteen brothers, Alex and Nat Wolff.  They never explained the embarrassingly salacious name, but I assume that it meant that you would be seeing their real life, uncurated and unmediated. 

Of course, it was curated and mediated.  Alex and Nat did have a band, and some of their real-life bandmates (like Dan Levi, left) were in the cast, but most of the characters and situations were purely fictional.  They were not at all famous.  Yet.   

In 2004, actress Polly Draper had the idea of making a mockumentary about her sons' band, sort a preteen Spinal Tap or A Hard Day's Night.  She got her wealthy (or wealthier) brother to finance The Naked Brothers Band, filmed it in mid-town Manhattan, and entered it the 2005 Hamptons International Film Festival.  Nickelodeon bought it, and suggested a teencom spin-off, competition to the upstart Myley Cyrus in Hannah Montana. 


 Nat Wolff was only twelve years old, and Alex was nine,  a little young to handle a teencom by themselves, so Polly added adults to the cast to pull some of the weight.  Mostly her relatives: husband Michael Wolff as the boys' widowed dad; niece Jesse as their babysitter; brother Tim as the school principal. Plus a steady stream of celebrity friends, including Ryan Seacrest, Tony Hawk, and Whoopi Goldberg, popped by to play themselves.

The result was three seasons of intense nepotism and aggressive "girls! girls! girls!' hetero-horniness (2007-09).

I only watched one episode for my research project (there were over 30 programs in my dataset), so to be fair, I just watched another:  "Three is Enough" (February 8, 2008)

In the teaser, Alex wants to practice putting his arm around his "true love" in the movies.  Nat is skeptical -- he has a new "true love" every week.  But he agrees to play the girl.  Then Alex plays the girl so Nat can practice.  The gender-play is a queer code, but it's drowned out by the endless discussion of how many girls they like.


Next: they have writen a new song, "Three is Enough."  Babysitter Jesse agrees: three is the perfect amount of everything, from donuts to boys. For instance, she can't choose between the three "adorable Timmerman Brothers" (played by Polly's excessively rich nephews).  She implies that she is dating all of them, and perhaps not one at a time. Maybe they are involved in a queer four-way romance.




Then the Handsome Foreigner next door (Michael W. Barry)  asks her to the big horror movie.  The Timmermans get jealous and decide to spy on them.

At the studio, famous cartoonist Jules Feiffer, playing himself, is drawing cartoons to project over the band's new song.  Alex asks to be portrayed as cooler and more teenager-ish, and for the girl he is in love with to look more like his real-life true love.  

The main plot: their manager, 12-year old Cooper (Cooper Pillot) accidentally asks a girl for a date.  The band suggests various ways to get out of it, but he doesn't want to get out of it. He just wants Nat to come along for moral support.  But Nat needs a date, and he can't ask his on-off girlfriend Rosalie while they're "on a break."  Can he?  This section can't be easily queered; it's boys and girls all the way down.

Verdict: A few gender-bending moments , but no gay subtexts.

I couldn't even find any gay actors in the cast, except for Andre Keenan-Bolger, who played the snippy director Christophe in four episodes.

After the break: Have the Naked Brothers continued their heteronormative erasure as adults?  Have they gotten naked?

Austin Lindsay: The casually naked roommate on "Overcompensating" has a BFA and a lot of depressing shorts. With bonus nude fratboys

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Jordan Buhat: The Grown-ish hunk solves murders, is murdered, spends Christmas on Cherry Lane, shows his cock in a 30 minute j/o video

 


A celebrity named Jordan Buhat posts 30-minute long videos where he dances nude in front of the camera, teasing that he's goiing to show his cock minute after minute after minute.  Then at the very end, he finally gets around to about 30 seconds of j/o  (after the break).

Ok, it's impressive, but there are lots of guys out willing to go farther, and faster.  I don't have all day.








He shows his rather impressive butt also, so I'm going to conclude that he's gay and a bottom.  But why the endless teases that most guys are just going to just fast-foward through?

Jordan graduated from the University of Alberta in 2018.  He had taken a few small roles, on Letterkenny, Summer of 84, and Blurt, but planned on a career as a secondary school drama and gym teacher.  Then he was cast in Grown-ish, and "everything changed." 

 Grown-ish (2018-24), the sequel to Black-ish, sends Zoey Johnson, the teenage daughter of the family, to college.  Like A Different World, but with more angst. 







Bad news: Vivek (Jordan) and Doug (Diggy Simmons, right) are not a gay couple.  During the first three seasons, Vivek Shaw is an engineering major who deals drugs to finance his extravagant fashion tastes.  He pursues a lot of girls, but fails to seal the deal.  This leads his friends to conclude that he is gay, and deliberately trying to avoid bedroom activity.  So he tries a three-way with a dude.  Nope, he is only into girls. Eventually he gets two girlfriends.

According to the fan wiki, there are two bisexual girls, but no lesbians or gay men on campus.




Although Vivek is usually the "har har, he can't get laid" comic relief, he has some angst plotlines.  He is beat up when a drug deal goes wrong, and ends up in the hospital; he is kicked out of his residence hall, and has to couch-surf; he is arrested for drug possession, expelled from the college, and disowned by his father, who dies of  a heart attack before they can reconcile. 

Jordan has six other acting credits during or after Grown-ish:





Margaux (2022): Six college friends, three girls and three boys (Jordan, Jedidiah Goodacre, Lochlun Munro) rent a house for a weekend of partying, only to find that they are being stalked by a murderous AI.  Jordan is handcuffed to a bed during a bondage session with his girlfriend, when the AI makes the ceiling collapse, killling him.

The three most recent of twenty Aurora Teagarden Mysteries (2023 and 2024)  flashback to the small-town librarian/sleuth's grad student years.  She solves murders and falls in love with Chef Daniel (Jordan). 



Prom Dates
(2024): Two girls have been planning the perfect prom since they were 13.  But just before the big night, Jess catches her boyfriend (Jordan) cheating, and dumps him, and Hannah decides that this would be the perfect time to come out as a lesbian, and dumps her boyfriend, too.  Now they have 24 hours to meet and win the Boy and Girl of Their Dreams.  But all of the good prospects are already taken...

More after the break

The ten best "Righteous Gemstone" episodes, from "Wicked Lips" to the Season 4 Interlude. Plus the ten worst "WTF?" episodes.

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Jensen Gering: Fans say that he's gay, and played a gay singer on Nickelodeon. Are they right? With his brother, dad, Giovanni Ribisi, and Drake Bell

 


I found a file named "Jason Gehring" at the bottom of my "profiles to do."   There are several Jason Gehrings out there: a baker with a Grindr profile, a nurse from Milwaukee, an artist from Germany, and a history student from Syracuse, but none of them look like this.

Could it be "Jensen Gering" (no h), who has 70 pages of photos on the teen idol site?  A brief google reveals that Jensen is either gay in real life or played a gay character in a teencom called Erin and Aaron, or both, so let's try a profile.

Jensen's bio states that he is a singer, songwriter, guitarist, model (began at age one) and actor (began at age 13), and he's the son of the celebrities Galen Gering and Jenna Gering.

Great, two more people whom everyone in the world has heard of except me. 




Dad Galen Gerin
g (left) was born in Los Angeles in 1971, to incredibly famous parents whom I have never heard of.  

He is a model, filmmaker, and soap opera star, best known as Rafe Hernandez on Days of Our Lives: an FBI agent whose girlfriends are variously are kidnapped, trapped in abusive relationships, sociopaths, and dying of a brain tumor.  

He takes off his shirt a lot, a requisitie for soap studs.

Mom Jenna Gering  got her start as a model at age 14.  Then she studied theater and journalism at the University of Miami, and started her acting career in a 2000 episode of Baywatch.   She has 23 credits listed on the IMDB, including episodes of Two and a Half Men, The King of Queens, Castle, Miami Sands, and Bent (not the one about gay men in a Nazi concentration camp).


Brother Dillon (left) hasn't done any acting except for an uncredited hospital kid on his dad's soap, and the reality series Dirty Soap (2011), with the dirt on soap opera stars. Galen and Jenna's dirt: they eloped to Las Vegas instead of having a church wedding.  Quelle horreur!

Jensen grew in a theatrical environment, so he was naturally drawn to acting.  He has six credits, including:

The Confab (2019): Fading child stars Ryker Baloun  and Jensen compete for the last role they'll get before adolescence renders them unemployable.  Poor guy, already a has-been in his first real acting job.




Wickensburg 
(2022): "an extremely formulaic and predictable mess of a family adventure" about an extremely blond woman and her young son (Jensen) moving to a small town full of extremely silly paranormal secrets.With townsfolk named Willow Darkwood and Mr. Hexenmeister, what do you expect?  



Left: Mr. Wilson is played by Maurice Dean Wint, seen here in Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001): he has covered his crotch with Gummi Bears to shows the future Hedwig his erotic interests. 

Wickensburg got two sequels, a Return (2024) and an upcoming Secrets of.   No plot synopses online, but the trailer shows Jensen with The Girl of His Dreams. 

Sigh.  Let's check to see if Google is right about Jensen's Erin and Aaron character being gay.



It was a 2023 Nickelodeon teencom about two polar opposites, the sensitive, artistic Aaron (Jensen) and the wild, uninhibited Erin (Ava Ro), becoming stepsiblings when their parents marry (isn't that the premise of Drake and Josh?)  

Their disparate personalities cause friction, and their shared interest in music (piano and guitar, respectively) results in competition more often than not. For instance, Aaron can't buy a new piano because the music store owner hates Erin.

Annoying next door neighbor Hunter (Luca Diaz) stalks them both: he wants to be best friends with Aaron and date Erin.

Reviews were awful, and viewership was in 100,000 range (in contrast, Drake and Josh episodes averaged 3-5 million viewers).  13 episodes were filmed, but only 11 were aired.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

"Big Mistakes": Dan Levy as a gay Christian pastor with a secret boyfriend and a crazy sister. With Patrick and Pacheco nude.

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20 musclemen who guided me through the Age of Innocence, from Bomba the Jungle Boy to the American Psycho

 This is a nostalgic journey through the musclemen who gave me my first hints that same-sex desire existed, and guided me from junior high through college and to West Hollywood. They provided a joy that transcended aesthetic pleasure, telling gay kids that we belonged.  We were welcome. 

Everyman, I will go with thee and be thy guide.
In your most need I'll be by your side.

1. Johnny Sheffield played Bomba the Jungle Boy on Tarzan Theater every Saturday afternoon when there wasn't a game.  I never actually made it through a whole movie -- they were dreadfully heterosexist.  But there was always time for those gleaming black-and-white muscles, especially when he was tied up.






2. Bruce Lee. 
He died in 1973, but his movies were playing constantly on Kung Fu Theater, and everybody's older brother had his beefcake poster on his bedroom wall.



3. Michael Forest played a god of masculine beauty (literally the God Apollo) on an episode of Star Trek which I saw sometime in the 1970s.

4. Denny Miller. Moments of gay promise as a surfer and a jungle man on Gilligan's Island.










5, David Naughton.
  The cutest guy of the Disco Era showed us his dick and butt in in American Werewolf in London (1981).  Plus he also gave us a strong gay subtext in spite of the 1980s homophobia.

6. Yukio Mishima.  It wasn't hard to find gay-themed books in the early 1980s.  Just look for "evil" or "hidden" in the title.  So I found Confessions of a Mask, with Japanese novelist Yukio Mishima's obsession with male muscles, sex, and death.  


7. Arnold Schwarzenegger.  The 1980s start and end with Arnold, who single-handedly brought bodybuilding into the mainstream and made it respectable.

8.  Sylvester Stallone gave him a little help with his grunting, sweat-soaked Rambo and Rocky.  We saw his dick in The Italian Stallion, a recast of his early porn movie.  









9. John Amos
.  Gordy the Weatherman on Mary Tyler Moore, a warrior in a Conan rip-off that we all saw, and my gym buddy.

10. Lou Ferrigno, who played a muscular green Hulk against Bill Bixby's David Banner, dropped by often when I was working at Muscle & Fitness.  Did I mention our hookup?


More after the break

Pontius Gemstone, the Boy Named Stacy, and the Erotic Alphabet. With a special appearance by Gideon Gemstone.





A: Anal
B: Bondage
C: Cock sucking
D: Docking
E: Edging
F: Feet
G: Golden showers

Stacy awoke with Pontius' arms wrapped around him, his head on Pontius' chest, and his hand cupping his butt cheek.  Pontius was aroused, rock hard, his gorgeous cock rising into the air like a flagpole!  Stacy couldn't help reaching down to stroke it.  

"Mmm...keep doing that."  His eyes still closed, Pontius took Stacy's hand and helped him squeeze harder.  

"Sorry, I didn't know you were awake."


"I try not to sleep when you're lying in my arms.  I don't want to miss any of it."  He leaned up, and they kissed, both of them hard and pressing together.

"Good morning."  Pontius' gaze was intense, yet warm, comforting, loving.  

"I love you," Stacy said.





Instead of saying "I love you" back, Pontius moved down and started sucking his cock!  "Well, this says love, doesn't it?," he thought as Pontius' tongue darted around the head, and his lips moved up and down the shaft.  Or maybe it doesn't.  It says that he likes cocks.

Suddenly Pontius leapt out of bed.  "Be right back -- gotta pee."  He bounced to the bathroom, his cock still sticking out in front of him.

 While listening to the pee-sounds  -- why was that erotic?  -- Stacy looked around the room: New dresser, desk cluttered with books and headphones, a map of the world taped to the wall, drawings of car designs, a bookcase with mostly Matchbox car models, three dusty guitars that no one had ever used, a glowing neon P.  


Pontius had replaced a poster of a bikini babe with a muscleman because Stacy asked him to, and cleared a drawer for some shirts, socks, and underwear, but it was still his room, Pontius with capital P, in the house he shared with his brother. 

They met last July, when Stacy was shot in the Gator Farm Massacre, and Pontius visited him at the hospital.  Since they, they had hung out almost every day.  

There were movies, concerts, plays, Queer Youth Game Nights. dinner at Jason's Steakhouse after church, volunteer work, a Halloween Party, Thanksgiving with Stacy's family, Christmas with the Gemstones, New Year's Eve in Myrtle Beach -- yet whenever Stacy hinted at moving in together, or getting their own place, Pontius deflected, changed the subject, or bounced out of the room, and God forbid he say "I love you."  Did he think of Stacy as a boyfriend or a buddy? 

Sound of the water running, a towel being yanked, and then Pontius rushed out of the bathroom.  How was he still aroused?  


"So, what were we talking about?"

"Me on my stomach, I think," Stacy said.

"No, on your back. I want to look at you."

More after the break