"The Resort": Skyler Gisondo disappears on Christmas Day at a creepy Mayan resort

The Resort, on Vudu, is a murder-mystery tv series set on the Mayan Riviera, where rich people go sunbathing and ignore the Mayan ruins. It features a gay couple, both named Ted, so I'm in.  I reviewed Episode 1, "The Disappointment of Time."

Scene 1: The airport shuttle stops at Akumal, a tropical resort. Wait -- did it knock over a vase?  Noah (William Jackson Harper) and his wife Emma exit.  Manager Luna gives them bracelets that will "get you everything you need "Even heroin?"  I didn't know that this was a comedy; the previews make it look like a murder mystery.

It's their tenth anniversary,  but they don't seem particularly lovey-dovey.  They don't even sit together in the golf cart.

Scene 2: In their room, they bump fists and then collapse onto separate beds.  No smooching?  Ok, one kiss, but Noah complains that Emma's breath stinks. 

Scene 3: Time for dinner, but Noah is asleep -- jet lag, he says, although it's only a three hour time difference.  Emma watches tv, then examines a mysterious scar on her belly (this will become important later) and hits the pool.  She checks an online quiz to see if she should dump Noah. He's not cheating, so no....

Scene 4: Emma snoozing and hungover on a tour bus while Noah talks to an older gay couple, Ted and Ted (Parvesh Chena, left, Michael Hitchcock). They are obviously hot for each other, although they've been together for decades.  

Their secret: every seven years they visit somewhere they've never been before (Laos, Memphis, and now Mexico) to see if they want to stay together.  Maybe they've changed.  Maybe they no longer make each other happy.  So far, so good, 21 years. 

They arrive, and ride go-karts through the jungle. Darn, I thought they were going to Chichen Itza.   Emma lags behind.  Whoops, she crashes and tumbles down into a ravine. While down there, she finds an antiquated cell phone.  She hides it before the others come to rescue her.

Scene 5:  That night, in a bar.  Emma the Alcoholic wants a drink, but Noah insists that she can't have any alcohol due to the pain meds from her injuries.   The Teds arrive and ask how she's feeling.  She excuses herself and goes out to the pool to check on the fossilized cell phone.  Why so mysterious?  I'd be showing it to the others right away.

Later, as Noah snores, she sneaks out to an all-night cell phone store and buys a phone like the fossilized one she found.  She transfers the SIM, charges, and voila, it works!  Pictures of Sam (Skyler Gisondo)  being licked by a dog, watching fireworks, meeting a girl in a UCLA sweater, drawing cartoons, and at the Oceana Vista Resort!

Messages from 12/26/07, the day after Christmas 15 years ago. "Call me," from Mom. "Where are you?" from Dad.  "I am so sorry," from Hanna.  

Scene 6: A cabbie takes her to the Oceana Vista Resort.  It's deserted, locked up, overrun with vegetation.  He could have just said that.   "People died in there," he explains. 

Scene 7: Back in the hotel room, Emma googles "Oceana Vista"  It was destroyed by a "rogue holiday hurricane" on December 27, 2007, the day after Sam went missing..  Actually, two tourists went missing, Sam and Violet.  They were apparently unacquainted.  "Nothing about what happened made any sense," the detective said, "But I suspect foul play."

Scene 8: Flashback to December 24, 2007.  On an airplane, Sam is working on a cartoon about women with large breasts and butts unloading stuff from the overhead bins.  He shows his UCLA-sweatshirt girlfriend. She wants to know what it means.  "Nothing.  Not everything has to have a deeper meaning."  Is that a challenge, Sam?  

She thinks it's a commentary on the American tourist industry exploiting local cultures. Maybe this couple will visit some Mayan ruins instead of playing on go-karts.

While they are discussing how much they love each other, the guy across the aisle, Carl (Dylan Baker),  asks his wife if Sam might be gay.  "He has a girlfriend!", she protests.  "A lot of my gay friends used to have girlfriends."  She doesn't believe that Carl has any gay friends.  He appears in four episodes, so he must be important.

Scene 9: They'll be in Cancun in two hours.  Uh-oh, girlfriend's phone is buzzing, and she's asleep!  Sam checks: A text from her professor, asking her to text him when she lands.  Hmm -- a little teacher-student nookie going on?  Then: "Had fun tonight!" A photo of some male-female legs intertwined. "Anal sex tonight?"  A dick pic!  Hanna says that she's falling in love with him on December 18th,  six days ago!  

Carl from across the aisle notices the dick pic, and cries out in horror.  Sam slams the phone shut.  

More butts after the break

Brock Yurich: Romcom hunks, hustlers, gay villains, nude modeling, and a big reveal

First Brock O'Hurn, and now Brock Yurich: I seem to be collecting Brocks.  After seeing Yurich as ChaseDream's Trainer in two episodes of The Other Two, I looked him up on the IMDB.  

Not much: Born May 1, 1989 in New Philadelphia, Ohio, about two hours west of Pittsburgh.  Nothing else until he moves into acting in 2011 with small roles like Fraternity Brother, Bar Patron, and Attractive Man, plus guest spots on The Two of Us, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, and Succession.

The IMDB says that he "known for" playing Winston in Rambler (2013), not to be confused with The Rambler (2013), starring Daniel Keith as a hit-man with a price on his head. I don't know who Winston is, but in the trailer there's close-up of a woman's foot followed by a guy, maybe Brock, dressed in a South-of-Market leather outfit offering drinks and screaming.  I'm guessing a standard gay/trans villain.

Brock is also "known for" two short films that he wrote, produced, and appeared in: T-Country (2016), about a down-on-his-luck prizefighter, and 49: A Tribute to the Pulse (2017) -- the gay Latinx nightclub that was the site of a mass shooting in 2016.   That one is gay-related.

Another possible gay role: in Law and Order: Special Victim's Unit Episode 17.18, 2016, the detectives uncover a "massive cover-up in the Catholic Church." Brock plays Lance Woodstone. I don't have a lot of details, but this photo suggests that he's a hustler who specializes in BDSM scenes for priests. I can't tell if it's a homophobic portrayal or not.

After that, we move on to purely heterosexist roles. The Hating Game (2021): A romcom about two business rivals (Lucy Hale, Austin Stowall) who fall in love.  It's a "boring trifle," "sweet and sugary," or "an abomination," depending on whose review you believe. Brock plays someone named Mack, far down the cast list -- not the gay best friend.

The Love Hunt (2023) is a romcom about an heiress who has to find some hidden treasure in order to inherit her dad's estate. Brock plays the small-town working-class bloke whom she chooses over her prissy button-down boyfriend.

The Boxer and the Butterfly (2023) is a romcom about an aspiring dancer who must teach a down-and-out boxer the moves.  Brock plays her love interest.  Ok, maybe the gay projects were just a fluke.

His instagram is not very exciting.  Sure, he flexes a lot, but 3,000 photos of a bodybuilder flexing at the gym or in a nondescript room?  There are no photos of travel, restaurants, or anything of non-hunk interest, no humor, not even a lot of interesting exterior shots. And he hugs a lot of women.  Definitely straight.

This is the only humorous post, Brock in a Mandalorian mask, with the Yoda baby.

Searching for "Brock Yurich" and "nude" revealed some shots from Tyler Perry's soap opera, The Haves and the Have-Nots (2018-21),  about the relations between the rich Harringtons and the poor Youngs -- basically the plot of every soap opera ever, except that most of the cast is black.   

In Seasons 5-8, Brock plays Madison, an "openly gay" nurse at the local hospital, who develops a relationship with Jeffery, the Harrington's closeted, then out-but-beleaguered son. Actually no nudity, but the guys hug.

Real nudity after the break. Caution: explicit

"Pitch Perfect": Nerd Ben Pratt, hunk Skylar Astin, and jerk Adam Devine. What could go wrong? With nude dudes

 Pitch Perfect (2012) is comedy about dueling a capella choirs.  I didn't even know that a capella groups were a thing, but wikipedia lists dozens of them, and Music Grotto ranks the best groups (#1 is Pentatonix).  Regardless, if it's about music, there's bound to be some gay characters.  

Scene 1: An all-male a capella choir, the Barden University Treblemakers led by Bumper (Adam Devine), performs "Don't Stop the Music" at Lincoln Center, to rousing applause!  

In the booth, the judges discuss how perfect they are for the International Championship of Collegiate A Capella Groups (I want this to spell something dirty, but it doesn't), and how all the ladies in the room are hot for them.  Ugh, heterosexism in the first second: the only reason a man does anything is to get ladies.  

They perform some cool moves. Bumper does a "sexy man-split", struts for the fangirls, and insults the next group: an all-female choir.  They're the first girl group to get this far in the competition because, according to the judges, girls just don't have the range.  I think we're supposed to condemn the judges for being sexist.

Dressed like 1960s stewardesses, the Bellas sing a snoozefest song. Then one throws up.  Projectile vomiting in the first five minutes!  Yuck! The judges actually like this: it add excitement to their act.

Scene 2:  This must be a flashback.  Beca takes a taxi to move-in day at the stately, ivy-halled university.  She meets her new roommate, who hates her from the start, even more when she brings out her DJ equipment.  

Her dad drops by: Dr. Mitchell, a Professor of Comparative Literature.  I majored in that in grad school, for about ten minutes. It was stiflingly elitist. He insists that she give college a chance; she can move to California and become a dj later.

Meanwhile, the hunky Jesse  (Skylar Astin, left) meets his new roommate, Benji (Ben Platt, below), a Star Wars nerd and amateur magician.  To his credit, Jesse doesn't insult him.  (Ben Platt is gay in real life, so maybe his character is gay).

Scene 3: The Activities Fair.  Hunky Jesse tells Magician Benji that the hottest club on campus is Bumper's A Capella Group. It's what being a man is all about.  He points to where Bumper is asking passing girls if they want him to whip it out. But they're sexist jerks!

Meanwhile the head Barden Bella rejects a girl because her boobs are inadequate.  More sexist jerks!  She only wants "super-hot girls with bikini bodies who can harmonize and have perfect pitch." Her assistant suggests maybe recruiting girls who can sing, like Fat Amy (Rebel Wilson).  Yes, she calls herself that.  

Scene 4: An incredible hunk in a swimsuit is passing out fliers, but Beca ignores him.  Maybe we're supposed to conclude that she's gay?   

She stops at a booth called the Barden DJs, since she wants to be a DJ, but it's actually a group for Deaf Jews, har har.

Head Barden Bella tries to recruit her for the Bellas, but she refuses: it sounds tremendously lame. 

Meanwhile, Nerd Benji is desperate to join the Treblemakers, but Bumper says no.  But Bumper's singing changed his life!  Maybe they could hang out sometime?  Nope: "The smell of your weird is affecting my vocal chords."  Dude, pick someone who doesn't sneer all the time.  Your new roommate seems nice.  

Scene 5:  Beca finds a campus radio station that plays funky alternative music. Wait, she has a job there.  On move-in day?  Turns out that Hunk Jesse works there too.    Time for a meet-cute?  Nope, she hates him. Station manager Luke (Freddie Stroma, left) tells them that, as freshmen, they can't go into the DJ booth; their job is to sort CDs.  Ugh!  

Scene 6: Dad wakes Beca up.  "You've been here a month, and still no friends?  Geez, I thought it was the next day.  "Get with the program."   "I work at the radio station?" "With those weirdos?"  He forces her to join a student club. 

She heads to the shower room (fortunately, we don't see anything.)  Surprise -- she's being stalked by the Bella Aubrey, who gets way too close as she importunes Beca to join.  Ok, ok, just get your hands off my junk!

Scene 6:  The auditions for all four a capella groups at once.  I guess you sing for all of them, and we can watch Bumper insulting more people. 

The host, Kolio (David Del Rio), specifies that this is not a high school club, where you "can sing and dance your way through any social issue or confused sexuality."  Ok, that's homophobic, claiming that gay people are "confused."   "This isn't high school, it's real life."  I get it: gay people do not exist in real life.  

The auditions are mostly awful.  I expected Beca to nail it, but she does a weird thing with clapping and a cup.  Everyone is shocked by how awful she is, but she's in anyway.  Almost everyone who auditioned gets in. 

More a capella after the break

"The People We Hate at Weddings": Two sisters and their mum find love, the gay guy doesn't and there's only one penis

  

The 2017 novel The People We Hate at the Wedding is about a wealthy British girl, Eloise, hoping to reconcile with her two American half-siblings, Alice and Paul, by inviting them to her lavish wedding.  Paul is gay, complete with longsuffering boyfriend. 

 Knowing how much Hollywood loves to straighten gay characters, I watched the 2022 movie version on Amazon Prime to make sure that Paul stays gay.

Scene 1: Various childhood antics of the half-siblings, including a disastrous Santa Claus-sitting with a very cute, harried harried Elf photographer (Brandon Johnston, left).

Scene 2: The young adult Alice, who works at a small desk in a big office, checks her mail: the invitation to her half-sister Eloise's wedding!   She calls her brother, Paul (Ben Platt), who works at some sort of counseling center, to see if he got one.  Yep.  "But We're not going.  We hate her!"  

Scene 3: The siblings' Mom tries on clothes and plot-dumps on the sales clerk: Her husband is dead, so her romantic life is over (she'll find love by Act 2). Also, her kids aren't going to Eloise's wedding because they hate her.

Scene 4: At work, Alice gets summoned by the Boss (Jorma Taccone), to screw in the supply closet, followed by lunch.  Jonathan wonders if she just likes him for his money.  "Of course not.  I like you for your dick."  

Scene 5: Paul is out with a straight guy(Randall Park) and three femme, double-entendre-spouting gay guys (Greg Barnett, Karan Soni, Pedro Minas), who brag about the new guy they've added to their threesome. Wait -- they are already a threesome, aren't they?

Three guys doing gay stuff together!  Paul is sick of gay hypersexuality and flamboyance, so he hangs back to talk to the straight guy. So this Paul is straight, too? 

 Then they all go to see King Lear.  At the line "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!," Mom texts Paul, asking him to please come to the wedding. 

Scene 6:  Alice drops Boss off at his house, pretending to be an Uber driver so his wife doesn't get suspicious.  He wants a permanent relationship, so he's going to ask for a separation -- sometime.  Wife comes out of the house carrying a baby, making Alice feel guilty.

Scene 7:  Paul in bed with his boyfriend, discussing their disapproval of the three-way relationship. Wait -- he was one of the flamboyant three-way guys.  I'm confused.   

All they do is hug and chat, but I guess that's enough to make Paul canonically gay at Minute 14.

Paul explains why he hates his Mom: after his dad died, she threw out all of his stuff, and never mentioned him again.  Boyfriend talks him into the wedding anyway, because it's in London.  Ugh!  London is my least favorite city in Europe. I've visited 5 or 6 times, and never had a positive experience. 

Scene 8:  Alice watches her boss/boyfriend living a public life without her and decides to go to the wedding after all.  Then she goes into his office and slips off her underwear -- just as the housekeeper shows up.  Hey, the housekeeper is D'Arcy Carden, who starred with Kristen Bell in The Good Place!  I wonder who else from that show will appear.  Maybe Ted Danson?

Scene 9:   Paul at work.  He mentioned that he doesn't like scones, so the Boyfriend sent him a scone basket to be mean. Mom calls; he hangs up on her.  

Next, the Counseling Center boss, Dr. Goulding (Tony Goldwyn), found security-cam footage of him hugging a patient after an emotional breakthrough. Inappropriate!  A month of unpaid leave!  Now Paul has no choice but to go to the wedding. 

I'm bored.  I'll fast-forward to the good parts.

On the plane to London, Alice has a meet-cute with Love Interest #1 (Dustin Milligan, left). 

There's an establishing shot that doesn't show the Tower Bridge or the Eye in the Sky!  

We see Rich Sister  Eloise is in bed with her fiancee, Ollie (John Macmillan).  Nice chest shot.

Alice decides to bring Love Interest  to the wedding as her plus-one.  They have sex on the floor of their palatial hotel room, next to the bed. Nice chest shot.

Later he dumps her: "You have everything that any sane man would want, but you don't want a sane man."  So gay men are insane?  Or did you forget that gay men exist?  

More Love Interests and at least one cock after the break

Gemstones Episode 3.4: Wieners, betrayals, a burning a-hole, and Kelvin at his jerkiest. With nude Steve Zahn bonus.

 

Previous: Episode 3.3 Continued: a fire dance, a limp wrist, a phallic sword, and Balkan sex gods 

Episode 3.3 ended on a positive note, with Kelvin/Keefe, and BJ/Judy reconciled and Jesse/Amber admitting the Montgomery Boys to the family.  In Episode 3.4, the midpoint of the season,  things fall apart, with betrayal after betrayal and two destroyed relationships.

Title: "I Am Come Not to Bring Peace But a Sword." A famous quote from Jesus in Matthew 10:34.  Things are going to get dark. 

Some premium fuck dolls:  Keefe and Taryn are leading a Teen and Parents Together "ice cream and wieners" party.  Keefe has apparently never done any ministry without Kelvin, so he is very nervous.  He is not wearing his "wedding ring," maybe worried that it would out him.

The background song is about your lover finding someone new, but:

I say it's misinterpretation, a case of your infatuation

I know it's me who's on your mind,  I know you're only killing time

You'll be back eventually, you'll be back permanently.  You're still in love with me.

Wait -- has Keefe broken up with Kelvin to date Taryn?  Or is this a precursor of another break-up, coming later?

The parents point out that they know very little about Keefe, even though he is a youth minister, in charge of nurturing their children.   Before Keefe has a chance to answer any questions, Biker Clarence, the owner of the store that he bought out, drops by to praise him for buying "every last butt buzzer I had in stock!"   He invites Keefe to check out the new merchandise coming in: "We got some premium fuck dolls!"  Inappropriate, dude! You're in an ice cream shop. Don't you notice the kids around? 

Top photo: Biker Clarence is played by George Paez, who doesn't have any nude photos online, so I substituted Steve Zahn in Saving Silverman

Taryn and Keefe assure the parents that "it's not what you think."  That is, Keefe isn't actually gay, he bought the toys for a project "we did with your kids."  Even worse!  But didn't the parents know about Smut Busters?  You have to get permission slips every time you take the kids off church property.

The boys at the Citadel: Next, Jesse and Amber complain to their teenage son Pontius that he has too many tattoos,  he shouldn't be having sex with his girlfriend, and he's been rejected by every college he applied to.Come on, he's a world-famous Gemstone.  Christian colleges will fight to get him in.  

Jesse wants to send him to the Citadel, the South Carolina military college: the boys there "would split your ass like a pair of damn Chinese chopsticks." He means that the boys would harass Pontius, but the threat of anal sex hangs in the air.

Sunday morning: after  "getting ready for church" scenes, the Gemstones and Montgomerys walk down a hallway the Salvation Center. The shots in the trailer caused considerable fan speculation: why do Kelvin and Keefe look so angry?  I still don't know.

Loud and Proud:  We see the beginning of the service, a Christian rock number, with May-May disapproving and Cousin Karl loving it.  Then it's time for the family dinner at Jason's Steakhouse, and a practically endless series of queer codes.  Interesting that the guys start being obviously a couple immediately after the Cousin's Night romantic interlude.

May-May disapproves of her sons' silk suits: too shiny, "like a lady's neglige.  A little loud and proud for me."  In other words, they make the boys look gay.  Jesse yells at her for "talking trash." Implying that someone is gay constitutes "talking trash"? That's homophobic, dude.

Judy defends the boys from the "accusation," saying that they are attractive to women. So you turn gay because you can't find a woman?  Laying on the homophobia, aren't we?

As he listens to his family's homophobic banter, Kelvin looks like he's about to cry.   And Keefe -- that's the look your boyfriend gets at Thanksgiving Dinner, when your parents told you to not "cause a scene" by coming out, and then Uncle Bob starts complaining about "fags taking over." Cavalero got it exactly right.

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Holding Hands under the Table:  Peter Montgomery -- Steve Zahn -- enters, announces that he has a new militia compound "on a farm," and invites his sons to join him.  They refuse, so he circles the table, threatening that retribution is coming.  

As he circles, Keefe moves his right hand under the table.  Then Kelvin moves his left hand under the table. These are not random acts:  Boyfriends who are scared (and closeted) would look for reassurance by holding hands.

Their hands stay under the table until Peter threatens Judy, and Eli steps in, telling him to leave or he'll be shot.  Everyone in the family except Gideon, Kelvin, and Keefe pulls out a gun.  A gun expert on the fan board pointed out that only Amber and BJ are holding them properly.  

Then Kelvin,  frightened (of his family's guns?), says something indecipherable to Keefe, who moves his hand back to the table top and makes a finger-gun.  Kelvin looks around for a weapon, and brandishes a fork.  His left hand is still under the table, and stays there, holding Keefe, until Peter circles the table again.  

Now the "wedding rings" are fully visible, matching men's silver wedding bands with black diamond inlay (the real thing sells for over $4000),  on the ring finger of Kelvin's left and Keefe's right hand.  

They will be emphasized several times during the season, especially when Kelvin is thinking about or talking about Keefe.  They are symbols of the relationship, which means that the guys exchanged them deliberately.  They have a permanent commitment.  Kelvin can't say that they are lovers, but he can show it.

For a little while, anyway.

Things get worse after the break.

Steve Zahn: From 1990s golden boy to 2020s depressed dad, with nudity all the way down.

 

Steve Zahn started his career in theater Biloxi Blues, Bye, Bye, Birdie, and the off-Broadway Sopistry: "a beloved philosophy professor is charged with sexually assaulting a male student. Gay themes are starting early.  

Both Steve and his costar Ethan Hawke were cast in Reality Bites (1994), about depressed Gen X-ers in Houston. Steve plays one of those endlessly depressed gay guys you see in movies of the era, who doesn't actually do anything gay except come out to his mother.

 More weird, experimental, and depressing bits followed, such as SubUrbia (1996): Steve plays Buff, one of a group of disillusioned teens in the bleak urban wastelands of the 1990s.  I didn't live in a bleak urban wasteland, and there were no gay characters, so I couldn't relate. 

In a 1995 episode of Friends, we learn that Phoebe married a gay Canadian ice hockey player (Steve), so he can get his green card.  Except he decides that he's not gay after all.  Seems like a pattern developing. 

Next came The Object of My Affection (1998), which I didn't see because it seemed homophobic: a gay guy turns straight because women are so hot, but then goes back to gay again.  Steve plays the gay-straight-gay guy's brother.

I avoided Saving Silverman (2001), thinking that it was about a lesbian who changes to straight. That appears to be another movie: this Silverman is a guy about to make a disastrous marriage, so his friends try to reunite him with the Girl of His Dreams.  One of the friends, J.D. (Jack Black), comes out and marries his high school Coach (R. Lee Ermy), but I think it's played for homophobic laughs.  Steve plays one of the friends, who here is trying to become flexible enough to perform oral sex on himself.  Just ask JD to do it for you.

In the thriller Joy Ride (2001),  Lewis (Paul Walker), traveling cross-country to pursue the Girl of His Dreams, of course, stops to pick up his estranged brother (Steve).  

They run afoul of a road-rage driven trucker, but meet a girl for Steve to fade-out with.  Plus they have to walk into a gas station nude.

More Steve after the break

"The Other Two," Episode 1.6: Cary goes shirtless, Chase twerks, and there's enough bulges and butts for everyone

The Other Two are the struggling, closeted actor Cary  (Drew Tarver, left) and his sister, failed dancer Brooke.  When their little brother Chase (Case Walker) suddenly becomes the pop sensation ChaseDreams, the Other Two are torn between jealousy, pride, and over-protectiveness: "You can't perform at the White House unless your math grades improve."

I prefer the first season, when the family dynamics take precedence, and we can see some genuine affection between the siblings and their teen idol brother.  In later seasons, delayed due to COVID, Chase is grown up and wacky, and eventually doesn't appear at all, as episodes concentrate on the stardom of the siblings and their Mom, Pat. 

I'm reviewing Episode 1.6, because of guest star Patrick Wilson, Prince Orm in the Aquaman series. There are two plotlines, featuring Cary/Mom and Brooke/Chase, so I'll review each separately.

Cary/Mom's Plot: Chase recently outed Cary with the music video "My Brother's Gay, and That's OK."  This led to an offer to play the Shirtless Bartender on the real-life talk show Watch What Happens Live, hosted by Andy Cohen (playing himself)  

He complains that he doesn't have any lines; they just hired him for his looks.  "Big deal, you'll be seen, and you can meet the guest stars."  Who are they, anyway?  He looks it up: Patrick Wilson...and Mom Pat!  She'll be talking about her children's book based on Chase's rise to fame.  Uh-oh, being shirtless in front of his Mom!  

Plus he was cast without anyone asking him to take his shirt off.  What if he doesn't have the pecs for the job? 

The only gay guy on Earth who never works out, Cary drops into a gym and asks to "get jacked fast" for his Shirtless Bartender gig.   Um..it's going to take at least a year, buddy.  Turns out that the Receptionist (David Arquilla) has been the Shirtless Bartender, too; he's not an actor, but he has pecs.  Uh-oh.

We cut to Cary using the equipment wrong and getting sneered at by muscle studs. The staff will be happy to demonstrate. He wants to give up after one minute, but he can't leave and have the Receptionist see him, so he hides out in the locker room and runs into Lance  (Josh Segarra), his sister's on-off boyfriend.

Lance encourages Cary to pose, and gives him a self-actualization talk: "You are a sexy and beautiful man, thin but tight." 

We cut to filming Watch What Happens. Andy Cohen introduces Patrick Wilson as the star of Candy Land, and Pat Dubek, as mother of ChaseDreams -- "I'm obsessed with your son," he admits.  In a non-erotic way: unlike most teen idols, Chase has fans in every age group.  Nearly everyone the siblings meet gushes over him.

Next Andy introduces Pat's other son, the Shirtless Bartender, and asks: "What do you have for us tonight?"

Uh-oh, Cary didn't know that he would have to perform.  He doesn't have anything ready except an angsty monologue from Rosencranz and Guildenstern are Dead: "We are born with an intuition of mortality..."  Ulp, Andy meant what cocktail is he preparing.

As the interviews continue, Cary knows that he's supposed to just look hot and laugh at the guests' jokes, but he can't help interrupting with bits of his own.  Patrick takes pity on him and asks if he has any projects he would like to promote -- but he doesn't.  

Later they bond while waiting for the elevator.  Well, Cary thinks that they bond; Patrick is just trying to get rid of him.

My grade: I didn't feel the stakes, and Patrick suddenly withdrawing support seemed a little forced, but I liked seeing Cary shirtless for the entire scene. B+

Brooke/Chase's Plot:  Preparing to film a new music video for his song "Stink," Chase is doing push-ups while his Trainer (Brock Yurich, left) encourages him: "Push it, baby!  You are a god!"  Spoiler alert: in the next episode, the Trainer and Brooke are dating, but he is just interested because she can get him close to Chase. In a non-erotic way.

They're ready on the set, so Brooke, working as Chase's assistant, comes to fetch him.  Nope, Sleazy Manager (Wanda Sykes) says that he needs to do more push-ups to "get his pecs to pop."

"Can a 13-year old's pecs pop?" Brooke wonders.

Sleazy Manager continues: "We already did gay, so now Chase has to be a fuckboy."

"Um...isn't he a little young to be a fuckboy?"

The fuckboy and some dicks and butts after the break

Agent Elvis: McConaughey as the King, Cavalero as a drug dealer with a bulge, and Gary Coleman as a dick with a dick

 Agent Elvis (2023) features Elvis Presley (Matthew McConaughey) interacting with some of the real people and events of the 1960s, like Timothy Leary, Howard Hughes, and the Rolling Stones concert at Altamont, but as a secret agent, working for the mysterious Commander (Don Cheadle).  Episode 1.3 has a Tony Cavalero sighting.

While filming A Change of Habit (1969), Elvis hears about the Moon Landing, and, upset that he's not going, decides to take out his frustration on some drug dealers.   His assistant Bobby Ray (Johnny Knoxville) tells him that Flyboy (Tony Cavalero), who hangs out in the studio parking lot, selling maps to movie stars' homes, actually sells cocaine.   His handler tells him that they still have scenes to shoot, but he rushes down to the parking lot.

Why is Flyboy dressed as a pimp to sell cocaine?  He explains that drug dealing and pimping have an intersecting clientele. 

Who is his cocaine supplier?  Flyboy doesn't want to say, because "snitches get stitches," so Elvis steals his clothes, ties him up in the back seat of his car, and sics his ape companion, Scatter, on him.  Faced with having his head bit off, Flyboy tells him.  

With Flyboy trapped in the trunk, Elvis enters a sleazy apartment building.  His handler appears again, ordering him to get back to the studio to film the remaining scenes. Besides, taking down drug dealers won't get him on the Moon Mission: "No matter what you do, it's not going to turn you into an astronaut." 

Elvis doesn't listen: he beats up the drug wholesaler and his henchmen, but Scatter kills them before they can tell him about the big cocaine shipment coming in.

More after the break

James and Kelton Dumont: Dad/son actors and their hunky costars and hung heartthrobs

Father and son James and Kelton Dumont star together on The Righteous Gemstones, as Jesse's buddy Chad and his son Pontius, respectively.  Plus they have both appeared nude on screen (not in the same scene), probably making them the only father and son in tv history to display their stuff in the same series.

I've already posted several photo collections of the guys, including nude and beefcake photos, so instead of looking for more, I'll be checking out the physiques and penises of their costars. 

James plays a sheriff in an episode of Black Bird, 2022, a crime drama based on the autobiography of James Killeen.  Joey Bicicchi, top photo and left, plays a lifer whom Jimmy meets in prison.

The First Lady, 2022, features fictionalized adventures of U.S. First Ladies Michelle Obama, Betty Ford, and Eleanor Roosevelt.  James plays the manager at Herpolsheimer's, the department store where the young Betty Bloomer, soon to be Betty Ford, gets a job.  Jake Picking is the young Gerald Ford.

I figured that City on the Hill, 2021, would be about Puritans, since John Winthrop, who led the first Puritan colonists to the New World, planned to build a "City on the Hill," a model of godliness.  No, it's about corruption in the criminal justice system in Boston in the 1990s. 

 James plays Randy Finch in two episodes, but we also see the legendary Kevin Bacon as focus character Jackie Rohr.

James plays Thomas Wallace on an episode of Blue Bloods, 2020, starringTom Selleck, the Castro Clone- stach and short-shorts wearing heartthrob of the 1980s, as the patriarch of a family of police officers. 

This sort of looks like Tom Selleck early in his career, but in those days every gay man -- um, I mean homophobe -- looked like that.

Kelton's costars next. Note: he did not appear in nude scenes with any of them.

The Santa Clarita Diet Episode 1.1: Witty dialogue, zombies, Skyler Gisondo, and bare butts

 Someone on a fan board said that Skyler Gisondo's character on The Santa Clarita Diet, Eric Bemis, is gay, but after a glance at the fan wiki, I can't see how.  He has a will-they-or-won't-they romance going on with Abby, the daughter of the zombified Sheila Hammond,  that lasts through three seasons before becoming canonical in the series finale; plus he has sex with other women and  female zombies.  But I'm game, so I'll review the first episode. 

Scene 1: Establishing shots of the stereotypic "idyllic" Santa Clarita. Heterosexual husband Joel awakens and sniffs Sheila, signaling how aroused he is, but she only likes to do it in a romantic setting -- no "humping."  

Anyway, time for breakfast: toast and a green liquid. They have two different conversations without interacting with each other. Teenage daughter Abby enters and demands a car, because they live in the middle of "freakin' nowhere."  I know the feeling.

Suddenly Sheila keels over with sharp pain in her stomach.  Abby wants to know if she's dying, but she insists that it's food poisoning. 

Scene 2: As everyone leaves for the day, they run into snoopy heterosexual neighbor Dan (Ricardo Chavira, left), and his wife.  They want to know why the light in the study was on all night; didn't Dan and Sheila have sex?  No, Sheila couldn't sleep, if it's any of his business. 

Dan points out that he's in the L.A. Sheriff's Department, far superior to the "dickless" cops, like Rick (Richard T. Jones, below), who happens to be walking by with his wife and baby.  Geez, they are establishing that everyone is heterosexual at first introduction.  What are they afraid of?  

Dan calls Rick "honeybunch," suggesting that he is a woman because he has such a feminine job.  Being a cop is feminine?  Then: "Suck me!", an insult, because of course gay sex would be terribly humiliating.

The men all leave, while Dan's kid Eric (Skyler Gisondo, top photo), in his Mom's car, gazes wistfully at Abby.  Mom tell her, "He worships you.  You're the queen of his spank bank."  So much for Eric being gay. Wait -- did his mom just tell his crush that he masturbates while thinking about her?  How would she know?  Why would she think this information was important to share?

She then invites Sheila for a girl's night out which may or may not involve "banging dudes."  Sheila refuses.

Are we done introducing the heterosexual characters yet?  I'm getting bored.

Scene 3: Whoops, more players.  They're really piling on the cast: A realtor, Sheila runs afoul of her mean-tempered, sexually-harassing boss and Gary West (Nathan Fillion, left), her new coworker. "Sell the Peterson house!  Do it today!" 

Scene 4: Sheila and Joel showing the house to a heterosexual couple. Disgust alert: suddenly she throws up green gunk. Joel pushes the couple into continuing the tour, and Sheila goes to the bathroom to vomit.  

When the couple finally manages to leave, Joel checks: Sheila is unconscious in a bathroom splattered with green gunk.  No pulse: dead.  Joel hugs her and says "no" while grinning enthusiastically.  Now he can call off the hit man? But she awakens and feels fine.

Scene 5: They've been waiting at the Emergency Room for three hours, due to being low priority ("Your wife threw up."),  Joel gives up and drives Sheila home. She sniffs him.  Weird -- a lot of sniffing in this show.

Gary, their new coworker, appears with get-well flowers.  He called a cleaning crew to take care of the mess in the house.  Sheila thanks him; Joel is jealous and possessive.

When she leaves, Gary reveals that the homeowners disliked their house being vomited on, and fired Sheila and Joel. They will be working with him now.  Listing poaching -- the biggest sin in realty.

More after the break

Ricardo Gomez: Three gay roles, a gay actor, and some dicks, but is there anything to watch?

While researching that other Brandon Johnson, I came across Ricardo Gómez kissing a guy. Plus he had a lot of nude photos online.  So I went through his work on the IMDB to find something available in the U.S., with gay content, and not awful.

His first work available in the U.S. is the tv series Unauthorized Living, Spanish Vivir sin permiso, 2018. A drug lord with a respectable businessman facade is diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, and has to decide which of his kids will take over the business before everything goes dark.  Nope.

Bringing Him Back, Spanish Mia & Moi, 2021.  The IMDB synopsis says that the siblings Moi and Mia move to the countryside after their mother dies, but the TLA synopsis says that Moi brings his boyfriend home to meet his sister.  Looks like somebody wanted the movie closeted. 

But "a deeply affecting film about love, loss, and human connection"?  Nope.  I don't care if we do see sister's boyfriend Joe Manjon's man-jon.

And his man-rear.  And Ricardo's bulge.

More the Merrier, Spanish Donde caben dos, 2021: "A diverse group of people share a night of sexual self-discovery." A comedy con final feliz -- a happy ending. 

The trailer shows a lot of people being shocked by two girls kissing and an old guy in his underwear. Also a man licks a shoe, a man puts his hand on his buddy's chest but is rebuffed, a guy puts his dong through a glory-hole but doesn't get any action, and there's a jockstrap band. 

More Ricardo after the break

Stephen Schneider: Heterosexual love interest, heterosexual bottom, hung sleazoid, diversity dad

 Stephen Schneider's profile on the IMDB tells us only that he was born in Sharon, Massachusetts and he's married with children.  Wikipedia adds that he's Jewish.

 

Here he and his Dad study for his Bar Mitzvah.

He graduated from Emory University in Atlanta, started a sketch comedy website, and wrote, produced, and starred in some short films, including "Not Gay," 2006.

Soon Stephen found his niche in comedy, playing quirky boyfriends.

Ray Stark, the Love Interest of one of the Best Friends Forever, 2012.

Ben in the relationship comedy, Things You Shouldn't Say Past Midnight, 2014.

You're the Worst, 2014-17, follows the romance of two horrible people, Jimmy and Gretchen.  Stephen plays Gretchen's ex, who is still in love with her.  They eventually hookup, of course.

Stephen is on the IMBD list of Hung Actors, along with Derek Yates,John Cena, and Ben Affleck -- #32, but I don't think it's organized by size.  He gets naked here, but no frontal.

Broad City, 2014-2017, follows two female best friends looking for love and sex in contemporary New York. Stephen plays Abbi's hunky next door neighbor, whom she is crushing on.  When they finally hook up, she discovers that he's a heterosexual anal bottom.  Not a problem, but then she tries to wash his favorite dildo in the dishwasher, ruining it, ending the relationship.

For someone who gets placed on the Hung List, Stephen is rather stingy about showing his dick.  In Broad City, all we get are underwear shots.

More Stephen after the break. Caution: arousal.