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Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.7, Continued: Teenjus meets the Devil. So does Kelvin. With a gay Christian, Jordanian junk, and Dustin's d*ck
Title: "On Your Belly You Shall Go." Genesis 3.14, KJV: The Serpent tempted Adam and Eve to eat the forbidden fruit, leading to their knowledge of good and evil, so God curses it: "On your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life." I imagine that we'll just see someone getting eaten by a snake. Or a gator.
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A Homosexual in Our Midst: Fox News broadcasts "Vance Simkins Loses Control at Award Ceremony." He yells "They let a homosexual in our midst!" and starts punching and hitting people before being dragged off stage.
Jesse, watching, tells Amber "I fucking love this." Amber agrees: "He is a very negative man." They argue about what role Jesse had in Kelvin's victory, but end up agreeing that he was important "behind the scenes."
BJ's Hookups: Judy wheeling BJ and the Monkey through the park, complaining that they used to do picnics and hookups. Now they can't do that. So BJ and Judy used to go on Grindr and invite guys over? Tell me more.
BJ wants to show her something: He can get out of the wheelchair and walk a few steps before falling. Then a few more steps. "I am healed!" he yells. The Monkey is not happy.
Cut to Eli is sitting in the dark, looking at photos of him with Lori. He decides to cut his hair. Thank God -- he looked horrible that way.
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The Monkey Smokes: Family dinner at Jason's, around a round table, with the newly cleaned-up Eli, and the Monkey bringing dinner rolls to BJ. Everyone praises Eli for cutting his hair; Jesse quips that he looked like "one of those Shakespearean witches." So we've moved from Hamlet to Macbeth.
They wonder why BJ hasn't returned the Monkey, since he's cured. He wants to keep it.
Pontius and Gideon, now friends, want to see the Monkey smoke, so Baby Billy pulls out a cigarette. Like Kelvin, Gideon has decided to be "true to himself" and not be straitjacketed by societal expectations about Christian youth.
The Monkey smokes! Kelvin and Keefe want to get one: it would be a great addition to Game Night. So they have a Game Night? Who do they invite, gay couples?
Uh-oh, the Monkey starts to masturbate.
The Monkey Turns Murderous: Judy is taking a bath when the Monkey comes in and grabs a plugged-in hair drier. Hey, that will electrocute her! He comes closer and closer, while Judy pleads: "Please don't murder me." BJ rings the bell, and he rushes out.
She goes downstairs, where BJ is reading a romance novel, Sunkissed and Sentimental (not real) , and watching Chowder (2007-2010), a cartoon about an apprentice chef in a world where everyone is named after food (Kimchi, Mung Daal, Truffles, Gazpacho). I'm not sure about the significance.
BJ refuses to believe that the Monkey is murderous, so she spins it, saying that he should be with someone who needs his help.
Losing a Pet: Happy Helping Hands arrives, with Amber and Brody to take the Monkey away. Crying, BJ notes that the Monkey has attachment issues ever since he lost his mother at a young age. "He was beautiful, and he believed in me." For anyone who has had to give up a pet, this is heartbreaking.
Left: Brody is played by Chris Rubiez. a "dad/husband" from Roanoke, Virginia, "half Lebanese and half country boy." No beefcake photos online, not even at the gym, so I'll F*k the Sadness with a random bear with a similar face and physique.
Ok, we've had the Sad Scene. Now let's try for some Comedy.
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Turn My Water into Wine: The Nanny grills a giant sausage at the beach while Tiffany and her kids sit at a picnic table. Baby Billy was supposed to be here an hour ago!
Cut to Baby Billy snorting cocaine, and then playing Teenjus, who has just turned water into wine. Johnny B (Pilot Bunch) proclaims that this will make him the hit of the village party, and he won't be bullied for having a virgin mother.
Cut! No Virgin Mom in the script! No ad-libbing. "Say exactly what I f*king wrote!" I wouldn't be surprised if Johnny B walks.
Baby Billy stomps back to the Director's Tent to snort some more cocaine.
More after the break. Caution: Explicit.
Cobb's Invitation: Lori is sitting outside her house, being depressed. Corey suggests that she call Eli, but she refuses; "And why do you care who I date?" Because due to the breakup, he can't invite his oldest friends, Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin, to his upcoming birthday party.
Lori: "Invite whoever you want. I promise to be on my best behavior."
Cory: "Great, I'm inviting Daddy." Uh-oh.
Cut to Corey's party. He's disappointed that the Gemstones didn't show up. His wife sent an evite, so they had to have seen it.
The Rambo Blade: Daddy Cobb, appears while Corey is barbecuing. His gift: a Gil Hibben original knife. According to his website, Gil Hibben began designing knives in 1957. He pioneered the use of 440c as blade steel and was the first to successfully develop a mirror finish on blades.
If you're not a bladesmith, these details might not be of substantial interest, but what about this: Gil designed the knives used in the Rambo movies and The Expendables, and is the Official Armourer of the Klingon Empire for the Star Trek franchise. He is assisted by his sons, Wesley (left) and Derek.
Left: I doubt that Wesley is actually posing for gay Silver Fox websites, but you never know.
Corey doesn't seem to like the gift; he smiles weakly, thanks his dad, and puts it back in the scabbard.
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Next, Cobb wants to know if Eli and Lori have broken up yet. Corey doesn't want to talk about it; obsessing over Eli is unhealthy. Cobb calls him a "little bitch" and slaps him.
"You think you can still do that?" Corey asks. Abuse in his past.
"I just did."
Lori is in the kitchen washing dishes and saying goodbye to the departing guests, when Cobb appears to hassle her. It would be a shame if anything were to happen to Eli, like it happened to Big Dick Mitch. Several of Lori's boyfriends have disappeared or died. Have you been killing all of them, for the last twenty years?
After Cobb proclaims that no "real man" will ever love her the way he does, Lori orders him out.
Later, while Corey is repairing the window that the brick shattered (wasn't that like a month ago?), Lori complains that Eli is not responding to her calls and texts. "Do you think Cobb would ever try to hurt Eli/"
Cory responds "No," but he looks worried.
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No Hobbits Here: Late at night, Tiffany is asleep on the couch. The Nanny lights a meerschaum pipe. When Baby Billy finally comes in, explaining that he was delayed due to filming, the Nanny criticizes him for neglecting his family. He insists: "I'm doing it for them." He tells her to go up to bed, and stop smoking: "Quit smoking that pipe in here like you Bilbo Baggins. This ain't no hobbit house." The first reference to J.R.R. Tolkien in the series.
Dance Battle: On the set, Teenjus and his buds face off against the rival dance team. The leader insults Teenjus and proclaims "You ain't got what it takes...we got this dance contest in the bag."
All Shook Up: I think the Rival Leader is played by Tyler Goodhall, top photo and potential tree trunk left. Righteous Gemstones is his only on-screen credit, but he has been involved in community and high school theater, starring in Grease, Into the Woods, and All Shook Up.
In response to the challenge, Teenjus begins a rap:
When we hit the floor, we;re turning hard*core
Gonna settle every score, gonna win this holy war.
To a groove that's so divine, turning water into wine
And when you lose your mind, we gon' turn the other cheek.
God then gives him the power to heal "a cripple," a sort of parallel to BJ regaining his mobility earlier.
It is actually a disappointing performance, cheesy, with no beefcake but a trio of female singer and a scantily-clad belly dancer.
Baby Billy stops the filming and criticizes Eli, playing a priest, for not being gleeful enough.
Cut to Eli and Baby Billy at lunch. Lori calls; Baby Billy advises not answering. Find somebody else, a "big girl." She's trying to warn you about Cobb's threat, jackass.
See also: Skyler's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 5. Because there's no bad time for looking at Skyler's junk
Hung Hungarian Hunks: With some tree-trunks
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