"F*cking Adelaide": Queer musician Brendan Maclean returns to his awful home town, shows his backside and a rando's d*ck

 


F*king Adelaide  (2017), now streaming on Amazon Prime, is a comedy-drama about a family drawn back to Adelaide when Mom makes an Earth-shattering announcement.  There are six 15-minute long episodes.  I watched the first, about Eli.

Scene 1: Adelaide, 1999.  A boy in drag is singing to his two sisters as they hide in a sheet-draped-over-chairs tent from their yelling, smashing-things parents.  He stumbles, but his older sister tells him to just keep singing: "One day you'll get out of here, and you'll be a massive star. I know it."






Scene 2
: Sydney now.  The adult Eli (Brendan Maclean), wearing a weird headdress, is trying to perform on a broken keyboard.  Cut to him kissing his girlfriend in their apartment.  He's straight?  WTF?

It was a misdirection -- Eli is still trying to perform in a coffee house that looks like an apartment.  He is angry because the couple is kissing instead of paying attention. 







It probably wasn't a misdirection for Australians.  Brendan Maclean is a well-known queer musician, with six EPS, two albums, and a number of songs for tv episodes.    

He became infamous in 2017 with the music video for his song "House of Air," which pretends to be a training video on "homosexual encounters" around 1980.  Strangely, the performers actually engage in the more unusual acts, which may be gross to some viewers, but just simulate the everyday acts.




Brendan was interviewed in Issue 2 of You Otter Know, a queer zine produced by Harry Clayton-Wright during the COVID lockdown in 2020-21. He discusses "lip synching in a jock, hands tied to an over-hanging bar as I'm whipped by a gimp."










He has 14 acting credits listed on the IMDB, including Klipspringer in The Great Gatsby (2013) and How to Make Gravy (2024), "an adaption of Australian music legend Paul Kelly's classic song."

The song is a monologue: a man calls his friend from prison, saying he won't be home to make the gravy for Christmas dinner, so he's giving him the recipe.  








After a look at Brendan's butt, we can return to the episode.  

As Eli continues trying to perform in the apartment-shaped coffee house, Mom calls: she bought him a ticket home.

"Nope, I'm busy.  I've got gigs and a boyfriend and a life. I can't just go running off to Adelaide." 1350 km, a two-three day drive.

The woman in the snogging couple says she used to know a guy from Adelaide.  Maybe you know him?  That happens when I say I'm from Illinois.  

Scene 3: Eli heads to the pub and asks bartender Nathan (Drew Proffitt) to let him perform.  "Nope, I pay you to tend bar." 

"Ok, then, where are my wages?"

"Oh, I gave them to your boyfriend Peter."

They get into a fight over whether Eli can drink free, and bartender Nathan fires him.

More after the break

Kurt Ostlund: Disney Channel's Slab, comic book fan, bank robber, gay best friend, n*de bodybuilder


Mr. Young
(2011-13), on Disney XD, featured Brendan Meyer as a genius who graduates from college at age 15 and, instead of taking a professorship at MIT and working on the string theory of the universe, becomes a high school science teacher.  In standard teencom style, he has a best friend, a crush, and a bully -- all students at the school -- and hilarity ensues.  And a lot of tongue-lolling, jaw-dropping "Girl of My Dreams" heteronormative ideology





But it wasn't totally execrable. There was a gay-subtext bromance between the buddies, and the bully Slab (Kurt Ostlund) only expressed heterosexual interest once.  Plus he had some gender-atypical traits that key in to gay stereotypes.

I've checked the adult careers of the three main male actors, and it looks like Slab is the only one with gay potential.  So let's take a look:





Not him, a Playgirl model from 1991 and current disc golf champion.  The name is close, though.













Our guy went on to play more slabs in heteronormative projects:

Hothead in Mark & Russell's Wild Ride (2015): two high schoolers try to win the Girl of Their Dreams or something.

Oggy in Unseen (2016): A family man who's invisible searches for his missing daughter.  It's not a comedy.










But then he went full-on bear to play gay-vague or "no expression of heterosexual interest" characters, such as a comic book fan who is targeted by a ghost for stealing important issues in an episode of Supernatural (2018).

Soldiers in Project Blue Book (2019) and The Terror (2019).










Strong Boy in 15 episodes of Snowpiercer (2020-2022), about a train that carries the last survivors of humanity after the world becomes a frozen wasteland.  He is brain-addled from his trauma, but eventually recovers, joins the resistance (there's always a resistance), and sacrifices himself to save his friends.


More after the break

Jake Short: Disney's ANT Farm genius plays a lot of girl-crazy teenagers, but his recent social media posts reveal...


Jake Short was born in 1997 in Indianapolis.  After some early roles, he became teencom-famous in ANT Farm (2011-14), a Disney Channel sitcom about a middle school for gifted students (ANT stands for Advanced Natural Talents).  His Fletcher Quinby is an artistic genius, and of course heterosexual, with two girlfriends before the series ends.






This led directly to Mighty Meds (2013-15) with comic book fanboys Oliver and Kaz (Jake, Bradley Steven Perry) discovering a hospital for superheroes, and eventually acquiring superpowers of their own. They have a gay-subtext romance, although each dates girls.








Jeffrey James Lippold, left, played The Crusher in 15 episodes.

In the spin-off Lab Rats: Elite Force (2016-17), they team up with superheroes Bree and Chase.

We can say that the adult Jake appeared in All Night (2018), a tv series about high schoolers locked in the school overnight for a bacchanal involving s*x and other illicit activity.


And Man of the House (2018), about two divorced sisters who move in together, and their son has to learn "what manhood means when he's entirely surrounded by females."  Just grow a pair and make them a lesbian couple.

The First Team (2020), only lasted for six episode, but it's from the BBC, so that may not indicate a failure.  It follows three players in a British Premiere League Football Team (the most prestigious).


In Supercool (2021), Neil (Jake) wishes to be cool enough to talk to the Girl of His Dreams, and the wish comes true, straining the relationship with his bff (Miles G; Harvey).

There's nothing s*xual going on in this scene.







S*x Appeal
(2022) is about a girl who wants to do it a lot of times, so she'll be ready for her long-distance boyfriend, played by Jake.

And that's about it. Not much since 2022.  Jake has been playing golf, running a podcast....

More after the break

Gemstones Season 1 Memes: Kelvin bottoms, Gideon falls in love, and Keefe checks for semen loads

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Tyler Hynes: Atreyu and the "Amazon" teen graduates to Christmas romcoms with gay characters. Plus Andrew Lincoln's dick


Tyler Hynes (the one with the red hat) starred in six romcoms in 2024.  That's got to be a record.

Shifting Gears. Tyler and a female mechanic are competing in the big car restoration show.  Guess what happens.

Holiday Touchdown: A woman tries to win the Kansas City Chiefs' Fan of the Year contest, while falling in love with Tyler,.  At Christmas.






The Groomsmen: First Look
.  "Groomsmen" are the attendants of the groom who stand with him at the wedding.  Here they are Tyler Hynes, Jonathan Bennett, and BJ Britt.  

At the wedding, BJ Bulge...I mean Britt...meets the Woman of His Dreams, but they are separated for reasons.









The Groomsmen: Second Chances
.  This time the second groomsman, Jonathan Bennett, is in love with Alexander Lincoln (left), and proposes at another wedding.  

Yep, a gay couple.

I originally called his dick a Lincoln log, but no one understood the joke.

The Groomsmen: Last Dance.  The third groomsman, Tyler, falls in love with a struggling cafe owner, a woman this time, in Italy.  I assume there's a wedding.








Three Wiser Men and a B*y.
   It looks like Tyler, with the moustache, and Paul Campbell, the one with the limp wrist cuddling with him, are a gay couple, but they're all brothers.

I don't know if Paul Campbell's character is gay or not.  Maybe the limp wrist is just a misdirection.



It's a sequel to Three Wise Men and a Baby (2022), with TYler and Paul helping Andrew Walker (left), when he finds a baby on his doorstep.  Now his adopted son is in kindergarten, and they have to help him with the big Christmas pageant.  At age 5?.

As far as I can tell, none of them fall in love, but their mother does.

Wait -- who am I profiling, again?

Oh, right -- Tyler Hynes. 

Born in 1986, the Canadian actor began performing on stage in A Christmas Carol at age 8 and Tommy at age 10, before hitting the teencom circuit with roles in The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo, Are You Afraid of the Dark, and Lassie.



It's impossible to research a book entitled Amazon nowadays, for obvious reasons, but I think the 1999-2000 tv series was based on a novel.  An airplane crashes in the Amazonian jungle with a soap opera-load of survivors, who are taken in by a Lost Tribe of good, kind, benevolent white people and run afoul of a load of violent, demonic, cannibalistic Native Americans (but their leader is white). Tyler plays a survivor who goes native. 

Yes, I watched.  It was awful, but I'm a sucker for lost civilization stories.

More after the break

"The Stranger": The one with a Kai Alexander butt, an alpaca-biter, Eddy from "Absolutely Fabulous," and two heterosexual horndogs

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Gemstones Episode 2.2 Kelvin clenches, Keefe dances, and everybody flirts with Eli. With proof that everything is bigger in Texas.


Previous:  Episode 2.1, Continued: Keefe's kiss, Kelvin's boner, and a thug with broken thumbs. With Jonah Hauer-King and a proper erection bonus

In Episode 2.1, while we establish the Kelvin/Keefe, Judy/BJ, and Jesse/Amber conflicts of the season, Eli's old friend Junior stops by, and acts very much like an ex-lover.  They go out to dinner and beat up a tough.  Now we see the aftermath.

Title: "After I Leave, Savage Wolves will Come."  In Acts 20.29. Paul tells the Ephesians that after he leaves, savage wolves or false teachers will tear the flock apart. So, who is the wolf invading the Gemstones' lives?

Eli Gemstone indicted! Thaniel Block sits on the porch of his rental house in the South Carolina woods, reading some news stories from 1993: Gemstone Family Studios to close due to "a financial and rumors of  sexual scandals," with $4 million missing.  Another article: "Eli Gemstone indicted on charges of fraud and conspiracy." But Episode 2.5 takes place at Christmas 1993.  When did all this happen? Geezer Tim drops by to criticize him for living in New York and having a "nasty attitude." 

A Hot Piece of Tail: Judy and BJ visit Eli to ask him to officiate in BJ's baptism.  They find him asleep on the couch in the parlor. Junior enters and asks "Who's this hot piece of tail?"  He's actually looking at BJ, but Eli assumes that he means Judy and says that she is his daughter.  He apologizes and asks if BJ is her lesbian partner. BJ starts to answer, but Judy cuts him off: "He's big-dicking you."


There are several takeaways here.  First, Eli and Junior did not sleep together; Eli fell asleep on the couch. Weren't there any guest rooms in his mansion? 

Second, check out Junior's magenta bathrobe, jaunty hand on him, and pinky ring: he is deliberately presenting as queer.   

Third, Eli may have mentioned that one of his children is gay, and Junior forgot which.

Execretions and Hep C Loads:  After Junior heads to the kitchen to make coffee, Judy wants to know what's going on.  Eli tells her that "things got a little carried away last night," which she interprets to mean that they are having rough sex.  He grimaces in disgust, but plays along to mess with her.  

Her main criticism is that Junior is unattractive: "I always hoped that if you were gonna yank a pole, it would be someone hot."  So Judy has considered the possibility that Eli is bisexual for a long time. 

She states that the "hookup" signifies that Eli doesn't care about his family.  Remember that Jesse likewise complains that Kelvin "popping boners" with the muscle men is "selfish, not helping the family."  But it's not just gay sex; on this show, having a partner of any sort is framed as a betrayal.  The family is aghast when Judy wants to move off the Compound with BJ; Baby Billy is still hurt over his sister Aimee-Leigh "leaving him" to marry Eli.  

As they storm out, Judy cautions BJ to not touch anything, as there are probably execretions and Hep C loads everywhere.  This is a call back to Abraham leaving his semen everywhere in Jesse's house, plus an awareness that Hepatitus C can easily spread through anal sex, so it is particularly common in gay communities.

Good Sniffer Seats: After they leave, Eli joins Junior on the back patio, overlooking the reflecting pool that leads to Aimee-Leigh's shrine.  Eli invites him to church, but he worries about the cost.  Junior avers that he's been to enough strip joints to know that you have to pay for the "good sniffer seats."  I can't find the term "sniffer seat" defined anywhere, but I guess that it's a seat close enough to the stage to smell the performers.  There are male strip clubs, but he's probably referencing a lady's club, being a hetero horn dog, backing off from the implication of same-sex activity. 


But not entirely: Eli offers to reserve a good seat for him, and the guys hold hands!

On closer examination, it turns out to be a man and a woman holding hands. We have cut to a scene involving Jesse and Amber's marital advice group. But it is so abrupt that the misdirection must be intentional.  The man is even wearing a shirt the same color as Junior's robe.

After the group meeting, Matthew and Chad ask why Jesse's old crew isn't hanging out together anymore.  This is all marital stuff, heterosexual nuclear family stuff; what happened to the band of brothers, savage and free?  Gregory explains; "I love you guys, but happy wife, happy life." You must abandon same-sex loves for heterosexual destiny.

You Got a Hound Dog Here: Cut to Thaniel visiting the Salvation Center, where he admits that he has sexual-scandal dirt on Aimee-Leigh, gathered from household staff.  Well, at least Kelvin is off the hook.



The World's Most Famous Christian
: Next, Jesse and Amber visit the Lissons in Texas for a party to celebrate the proposed Zion's Landing resort. Joe Jonas, the World's Most Famous Christian, leads everyone in a line dance.  He proclaims his heterosexuality, singing about the "beautiful girls" he's been with while wearing a formless leopard robe and pink bandana, the antithesis of Kelvin's tiger jacket and porn-star-bulging jeans. Desire for women un-mans a man, renderng him soft and sickly; only in the manly love of comrads can a man be strong and free.


Keefe dances
: At church, they welcome those who have found God in the past month, including BJ. He has always been a non-believer before; it is unclear whether he has actually had a "born again" experience, or is just pretending to be accepted by the family.  

The welcome is framed as a heterosexual union, with Judy hugging BJ and Kelvin grudgingly hugging a female convert. He's disgusted by touching "females," even as part of his job.  Meanwhile, on a balcony far removed from the stage, Keefe leads the God Squad in a dance, invisible, ignored, forever cut off from heterosexual practice, forever cut off from the family.  

Nude Texas dudes after the break

Everybody Loves Greg: Vincent Martella grows up, plays Phineas, dates some guys. With some d*cks and Skyler Gisondo


 We've been watching Everybody Hates Chris (2005-2009) on Hulu: a nostalgia sitcom featuring the  childhood adventures of comedian Chris Rock, who provided the commentary.  In the 1980s, young Chris (Tyler James Williams) attended an all-white middle school, where everyone hated him, except his teacher, who pitied him for..stereotype of the week.  

He had a bully with an endless supply of racist terms (Travis Flory), a white best friend (Vincent Martella), and at home, Dad with about 35 jobs (Terry Crews), way overbearing Mom (Tichina Arnold), bratty little sister (Imani Hakim), and a little brother (Tequan Richmond), who was bigger, and far more attractive: everybody was in love with him, which was usually fine,but a problem around Valentine's Day, when the truckloads of cards, candy, and wedding proposals arrived. 

It was quite homophobic, even for the 2000s.  Chris Rock's commentary displayed revulsion and disgust whenever he could: "Hey, this ain't Brokeback!"  One episode featured Chris befriending a gay student, but they called him "androgynous."


Nearly 20 years later, the cast varies on their level of homophobia, from Terry Crewes and Tyler James Williams (ugh!).






To Tequan Richmond and Imani Hakim (allies)














 To Vincent Martella, seen here at a Clippers game with  Mikey Reid.

After Chris, he became the voice of Phineas in the animated Phineas and Ferb, which is endless: 140 episodes from 2007-2025, plus thousands of movies: Christmas Vacation, Across the Second Dimension, Mission Marvel....

Vincent has done some other animation work, like the video game Final Fantasy XIII, Batman: Death in the Family, and Disney Infinity





Left: Vincent and Mikey have fun during the COVID quarantine.

Vincent's live-action work includes Patrick in three episodes of The Walking Dead: he is a member of a zombie holocaust survivor community in an abandoned prison. Then he get sick, dies, zombifies, and creates a new zombie infestation.




I have a question about this Cupid costume.  

More after the break. Caution: Explicit

Frederick Koehler: Chip from "Kate and Ally" grows up, shows his d*ck, plays some psychos, and vanishes. With bonus Beau Mirchoff dick




Viewers who saw this in a 2004 episode of the prison drama Oz were shocked.  Not by the nudity -- there were lots of nude guys.













Not because he was Andrew Schillinger, 20-year old son of the white supremacist prisoner Vern Schillinger.





















 Not even because he was a heroin addict who would be given a batch by an unscrupulous guard and die of an overdose.













Because we were looking at the dick and butt of a grown-up Chip.



















Although he had appeared in Judging Amy, Ally McBeal, Profiler, Gideon's Crossing, Charmed, and A Kiss Before Dying,  Fred Koehler was famous for Kate and Allie (1984-89), a sitcom starring two recognizable 1970s tv stars, Jane Curtin and Susan Saint James, a free spirit-stick in the mud couple living together. Fred Koehler played their 10-15 year old son, Chip

No, they weren't lesbians, although they pretended to be in an early example of a "let's pretend to be gay to get some of their incredible privileges" episode. 


After Kate and Ally -- I have to keep checking, but I'm pretty sure it's "ally," not "allie" -- Fred attended Carnegie-Mellon University, got a degree in theater, changed his stage name to Frederick, and returned to Hollywood.

To quote Sally in Peanuts, isn't the grown-up Frederick "the cutest thing"?   Short, rather husky, with a round, handsome face and a befuddled expression that makes him perfect for roles as oddball outsiders with no heterosexual interests.  Instead, they are gay-vague, yearning for love, acceptance, and family.

Like Ben Sharpless, teenage son of the obsessive sheriff Nolan in Birdseye (2002).

Or the mentally handicapped Pemon in Little Chenier (2006).

More after the break