We've been watching the 1990s cult classic
Twin Peaks, about paranormal, cryptic, and just weird events befalling FBI agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLaughlan) as he investigates the murder of high schooler Laura Palmer, who had "lots of secrets." And now we're on
Twin Peaks: The Return (2017-18), a continuation of the original story.
Some problems:
1. People stare for lengthy periods before speaking, and then speak slo-www-ly. If conversations occurred at a normal pace, each episode would be ten minutes long.
2. About half of every episode consists of a naked woman talking to a fully-clothed man. Granted, some of the men are attractive, but there's no way to look at them without seeing a lot of lady parts.
3. The story makes no friggin* sense.
See if you can figure out what's going in the first 2 episodes, plus a scene.
Red Room: The original series ended with many unresolved plotlines, notably Agent Cooper (left) losing his (second) True Love and being possessed by the malevolent spirit Bob.
In 2016, we discover that Agent Cooper was split into three parts. The Doppleganger, controlled by the evil Bob, was loosed upon the world. His body, now named Dougie, moved to Las Vegas, got a job in insurance, had a wife and a kid, and now consorts with naked prostitutes who stare at him for a lo...ong time. Agent Cooper's spirit was trapped in the Red Room, where the other spirits make cryptic remarks, talk backwards, and stare at him for a lo...ong time.
Still trapped, Agent Cooper's spirit is talking to the Giant Alien, who told him that "the owls are not what they seem," one of the big unresolved mysteries of the original. Now Giant Alien tells him to listen to the sounds on an old Victrola.
Twin Peaks: The psychiatrist who counseled and had sex with Laura Palmer, now batshit crazy, is in his survivalist cabin, waiting for delivery of a bunch of shovels.
New York: A young man (James Croak) has a job sitting in an empty room, staring at a large round window, to see if anything happens. A girl from the coffee shop drops by, hoping to have sex with him, but he can't because the security guard is watching, and he's not allowed visitors. No one should know what's going on.
Doing a good job!Twin Peaks: Benjamin Horne (Richard Beymer of West Side Story, top photo), owner of the Great Northern Hotel and the One Eyed Jacks casino and brothel, who had sex with Laura Palmer before she died, was last seen going batshit crazy and thinking that he was a Civil War General. In 2016, he is telling a newly hired lady about the hotel rules. His younger brother comes in, lambasts him for hiring someone else to have sex with, and talks about his new business, marijuana.
Meanwhile, at the sheriff's office, Lucy the Receptionist turns away a salesman who wants to see "the sheriff," because he doesn't know which he wants: there are three of them, two named Truman, and one is sick. The other is Robert Forster (left), the brother of the Sheriff Harry Truman who buddy-bonded with Agent Cooper 25 years ago.
Unknown Location: The Agent Cooper Doppelganger gets out of his car and bangs on the door of an isolated house. After disabling the guard, he goes inside and stares for a lo...ong time at several people who will never appear again. He criticizes one for having inadequate guards, but she explains that "it's a world of truck drivers."
She fetches a man (George Griffith) and a woman, and they hug everyone else in the house -- I forget how many people -- and leave with the Doppelganger.
New York: The coffee shop girl visits the young man who has a job staring at a window, with more coffee. This time the security guard is out, so he invites her in. They begin sex: she is naked, her backside bouncing, her breasts heaving, while we get a glimpse of his chest. Pay careful attention, as that's the only beefcake you'll be seeing amid the endless heaving breasts. Then a wraith comes through the window and slashes them to death.
Buckhorn, South Dakota. An apartment has a weird smell coming out of it, so a resident calls the police. There's a long, involved bit about who is in charge and who has the key, with a lot of characters who never appear again, until the lady realize that she has the key. Oy vey. Inside the apartment is the school librarian's head on the decapitated body of an older, chubby man. We never find out who he is, or why the killer arranged them like that.
Twin Peaks: Sheriff Hawk receives a phone call from the batshit-crazy Log Lady, whose pet log has psychic powers. It has a cryptic message explaining that the disappearance of Agent Cooper 25 years ago was related to Sheriff Hawk's Native American heritage and "something missing."
Buckhorn, South Dakota: The Forensics Lab has a match on the fingerprints in the decapitated librarian's apartment: they belong to the high school principal. (Matthew Lillard). So two agents and two cops, including the principal's best friend George, arrest him. "It's all a mistake," he yells.
Twin Peaks: To discover "what's missing," Sheriff Hawk pulls all of the files on Agent Cooper, and he and Receptionist Lucy go through them. She ate a chocolate rabbit from some Easter evidence, but that's not it: his heritage has nothing to do with Easter bunnies.
Buckhorn, South Dakota: The Principal is interrogated about the decapitated people. He was not having an affair with the librarian, and he was never in her apartment. He can account for all of his activities on Thursday, except for about 15 minutes. They lock him up, then get a warrant to go search his car. There's either a human tongue or a piece of fish in the trunk.
The wife visits the Principal in prison to tell him that she framed him so she can pursue a romance with his best friend, George (Neil Dickson). As she leaves, we see another cell occupied by a guy in an old-fashioned Davy Crocket outfit, covered with soot. He vanishes.
At home, the Doppelganger tells the wife that she did a good job pretending to be a human being, and shoots her.
More non sequiters after the break
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