Gemstones Season 4 Finale: Saying goodbye to the Gemstones. With eight gay/bi characters, countless cocks, and a friggin' glory hole.

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.9, Continued: Do the siblings really die? Do Kelvin and Keefe really get married? Plus some random c*ocks to get you through it.

In March 2023, my partner and I subscribed to the streaming service HBO/MAX to watch science fiction programs like The Last of Us and Doctor Who.  He  also wanted to watch The Righteous Gemstones, a comedy/drama about "a famous and dysfunctional family of televangelists," but "No, thanks." After a childhood of preachers screaming "God hates you!" every Wednesday night and twice on Sunday, I thought that even a critique of evangelical homophobia would be too traumatic.

Then one day I was walking through the living room on the way to a snack, and I saw the Gemstones walking in slow motion toward Jason's Steakhouse: A nuclear family husband, wife, and kids; another male-female couple and their pregnant daughter; and, taking up the rear, a gay couple!  They were holding hands!  They joined the others at the dinner table with no recriminations, no stupid questions about "which of you is the man?", no yelling about the Book of Leviticus.  I was astonished.

Watching from the beginning, I found a show that was crass, vulgar, and often grotesque, with annoying plot holes and a complete disregard for internal consistency.  Plus it took forever for the showrunners to admit that Kelvin and Keefe were canon, resulting in endless annoying "they're really straight buddies" arguments. But once they were acknowledged, Season 4 became a masterpiece of gay inclusion, with their wedding the pivotal moment of the entire series.  

A gay wedding was the pivotal moment in a series about Evangelicals!

Plus: A more obvious, and highly erotic, romance between Gideon and Scotty.

Both Eli and Baby Billy have gay relationships in their past.

Queer coded characters everywhere.  Just when you think there couldn't be any more, they start dropping hints about Pontius. 

Two homoerotic bands of brothers taken directly from Tom of Finland prints.

A near total absence of heterosexual activity, and almost no lady parts.

Nonstop beefcake.

Penises in nearly every episode.  

 A friggin' glory hole!

Gay men were not only welcome at the table, the table was designed for them.  In the midst of some profound theological questions about faith and forgiveness.

There has never been anything on tv like it.

Two years have passed, with two conference presentations, a scholarly book, two blogs with over 500 posts, over 20 fan stories, and endless fan discussions. And now it's time to say goodbye.  

Fortunately, the Series Finale features a special goodbye message for those viewers who found the show, and the characters, especially meaningful:

Saying Goodbye is Never Easy: During the Kelvin-Keefe wedding reception, while Eli watches everyone dancing, we hear the letter that Aimee-Leigh wrote to Lori years ago:

Saying goodbye is never easy -- it's not something I've ever been good at.  Sometimes it's easier to never say goodbye and just leave things where they lay.  Don't wrap it up all nice and neat.  

Hear that, fans?  We're not going to tie up every loose end.

The Grave:  Eli hugging Lori as she cries at Corey's grave.   

Takeaways: 

1. Corey was born in 1976, so he's six years older than Jesse, making it unusual for them to be friends.  Imagine a 10 year old and a 16 year old hanging out.

2. Season 4 begins in September 2024.  Corey dies in July 2025.  The wedding takes place several months later, I estimate in October.

Don't look for closure in a goodbye.  We rarely get the closure we want. Most times we don't even get the closure we need.  Sometimes things happen and the life we knew is taken from us, just like that. It can happen fast.

I'll need a minute.

Hugging: Back at the reception. Eli grins at the people dancing and hugging.  Jesse and Amber hug.  Kelvin dances with Tiffany and Judy. Keefe hugs Baby Billy.  

Cut to Baby Billy, Tiffany, and the Nanny having a picnic. 

It's in those times you realize how precious friends are, family.  

The Gold Bible: The Siblings install the Gold Bible on a pedestal at the Salvation Center, in front of a video presentation about Aimee-Leigh and Eli's ministry.

How important it is to let Jesus' love find you through them so we can lift each other up. 

Gideon Finds His Place: Performing at the opening of the new Gemstone Christian Skatepark, Gideon is able to combine his interest in stuntwork and the ministry. Banners say: Christian Skate Summit.

A shot of Jesse talking to Vance was cut. Apparently they're on friendly terms.

Pontius and Abraham, with Ash on one side and Edge on the other, gawk at the stunts.  Now there are girl skaters; previously Pontius' group has been entirely male.  I'm calling it: he's bi. 

And Abraham's pink shirt?  Plus check out his room: pictures of Holly Hobby dolls and a ballerina nightlight.  He's gay. Prove me wrong.

Aimee-Leigh continues: So we can fly even higher.   

Shot of Gideon flying high.

More after the break

"My Three Gay Sons and...ugh...Vance Simkins": A Jesse Gemstone Adventure, with Guest Star Karl Montgomery

October 18, 2025:

When Jesse walked into the media room, he saw Priscilla, Queen of the Desert on the big tv -- drag queens in the Australian outback -- and Pontius with his arms wrapped around someone.  They were kissing.

For a moment he thought it was a girl, proving that this "bi" stuff was just a phase.  But no, it was Stacy, the long-haired femme kid who was shot and almost killed at the Gator Farm Massacre.  How did he and Pontius manage to find each other?   

Sure, Stacy was a nice boy -- maybe too nice for his asshole son.  But after Kelvin coming out, then Cousin Karl, then his friend Levi, plus both Daddy and Uncle Baby Billy mentioning gay romances in their past, and now Pontius. Who was next,  BJ?  Aunt May-May?  Jesse was getting a little tired of being an ally.

“Hey, cool off," he called down.  "Give your tongues a rest.  Is that all you ever do?”

Pontius raised his head.  “Of course not," he said with an evil grin.  "We do a lot of stuff. Wanna watch?”

Jesse had already caught Pontius going down on Stacy -- in the hospital, of all places!  He didn't need a repeat. "Don't be a smartass.  You gonna go to the Queer Youth Game Night at Kelvin's house, or you gonna stay here and make out?"

"Stay here and make out?" Pontius asked, looking expectantly at Stacy.

"No, we're going. It's important for us to socialize with other queer youth."  He stood, took Pontius' hand, and pulled him to his feet.

"You're always going to get you rway" Pontius said, smiling.  "If only you weren't so gosh-darned cute."

Gosh-darned?  Jesse thought.  Maybe Stacy is a good influence on him.  

"One more for the road," Stacy said, "And then we'd better get to that party."  He leaned up and kissed Pontius.

"Disgusting display!" 

It was Vance Simkins, the megachurch pastor whose homophobic rants almost pushed Kelvin back into the closet, before he rallied, came out on national television, and won the Top Christ Following Man of the Year Award.  

 “Who let you in?” Jesse asked, frowning.  "I defeated you in that duel, remember?  So stay on your own side of the state."

“The security station was letting everybody through, if they said they were coming for the party.  What party?"

“Kelvin and Keefe's Game Night," Jesse said, omitting the "queer."

But Vance caught on anyhow.  "Good thing I dropped by.  Is this one of them decadent parties with little holes in the wall, so you can stick your dick through and anybody who wants can suck it?  And guys hanging in leather stirrups, so anybody who wants can screw them?”

“It’s just board games,” Stacy said.

"But the party you're planning sounds fun, too," Pontius added.  "Can Stace and I get an invitation?"

Vance grinned.  "Well, if it’s perfectly innocent, you won’t mind if I come along.”

“It’s for queer youth and their allies under age 25," Jesse said.  "Now, you’re obviously queer, but you haven't been 25 since...The Battle of Fort Sumter?”

"Besides," Stacy added, "A lot of the kids are traumatized by growing up in homophobic churches.  Some are closeted, worried that their parents will reject them, even kick them out of the house.  It's supposed to a safe space -- no  homophobes allowed."

“I am not a homophobe, young lady, or fella, or whatever you think you are.  I just want to see the kinds of games homo...um, queer youth play.  Or should I call the police and tell them about the underaged homosexual sodomy going on in Kelvin's little den of iniquity?"

Jesse sighed.  He was probably bluffing, but... "Ok, Vance, you talked me into it.  We'll go over and check it out. Boys, you go on ahead.  We'll be there in a bit."

There were only two ways to get into the party: they had to either turn 21 again, or bring food.  Jesse dragged Vance to the kitchen, and they loaded up the two trays of lemon bars that Amber was planning to bring to the Marital Problem Group tomorrow -- he would drop by the all-night bakery and replace them later.  

They had to park on the lawn at Kelvin's house.  There were about a dozen cars parked outside, plus two church vans.  Assuming that they carpooled, Jesse estimated that there were about fifty teenagers and young adults at the party.  Hopefully none of them were kissing!

Kelvin's boyfriend Keefe answered the door with his fists raised.  "Pontius and Stacy told us you would be trying to get in.  But we don't allow homophobes."

"Down, boy!" Vance said with a laugh. "I promise to be on my best behavior."

"We're just dropping off some snacks for the group.  Two dozen lemon bars -- Amber and our housekeeper Tanya made them."

Keefe looked suspicious, but he dropped his fists.  "Well, I do love a good lemon bar. Come on in."

They carried the trays from the foyer into the formal parlor, where about twenty people were sitting in small groups.  Kelvin, leading what sounded like a Gay Trivia game, nodded at them.

"Hey, Buddy," Vance said, "Isn't that your son Geraldine?  The one who wants to be a preacher?"

It was definitely Gideon and his friend Clay, the Classics major -- really, who majored in Latin? -- sitting with their backs to them, playing a "How well do you know your partner" game with two girls, one with pink hair. 

"They must be here as allies.  See, they're with their girlfriends."  Why hadn't Gideon mentioned having a girlfriend?

More after the break. Caution: Explicit

Gideon Gemstone and the Return of Scotty Steele. With A Special Appearance by Clay Chang

May 7th, 2025: Gideon's Prayer Time

Gideon's Prayer Time is at 11:00 am Wednesday!  Who's free at that hour except nursing-home oldsters?  And College of Charleston students, I guess.  Watching Gideon Gemstone reading off notecards the same words he has written on a powerpoint slide.  

It's stupid of me, but when I saw him at the Prism party yesterday, smiling, unconcerned about the many LGBTQ people around him, I figured he must be gay.  And beautiful, with a round face, light blue eyes, a slim, tight physique obvious even under his uncomfortable-looking Sunday suit. 

I feel like a total language geek, but I'm a Classics major, taking a seminar in Catullus, so can I help it if he popped into my head:

Equal to Jove that youth may be

Greater than Jove he seems to me

At the sight, my senses fly.

I needs must gaze, and gazing, die

Yesterday Ricky pulled my jaw off the floor and told me that he was Gideon Genstone, Kelvin's nephew.  And he was standing right next to his grandfather.  I'm not going to approach a guy standing next to world-famous evangelist Eli Gemstone! 

Who am I kidding?  I would be too shy anyway.

Prayer Time has certainly proven that Gideon is no Jove.  The existence of God, his omnipresence, the expiatory sacrifice of Jesus Christ, all in 45 minutes of stumbling theological jargon, with the conclusion: "love one another"!  

I'm having second thoughts about my gaydar.  Gay guys never become ministers - with Kelvin an obvious exception.  Gideon never comes to Prism, even as a guest speaker.  I've never even seen him with Kelvin and Keefe.  Surely if their nephew was gay, they would hang out.

He's looking at me!  He made direct eye contact!  Of course, I'm probably noticeable, the only Asian and only person under 90 in the audience.  Still, doesn't that mean something? 

"You can stay or you can go, but it's over."  Weird way to end a service -- not even a closing prayer. I stand behind the oldsters so I'll be the last one out, and I can start a conversation.

He's smiling -- a good sign.  I shake his hand -- warm, firm, sexy?  "Hi, I'm Clay Chang."

 "Gideon Gemstone.  It's good to see a young face at Prayer Time."

"It was an interesting presentation.  A lot of complex theology."

"Yeah...um...you don't have to be nice on my account.  I knew I screwed up."

Confiding in me?  Must be because we're the same age?  "No, it was fine.  You just need some instruction on homilectics."  I refrain from telling him that "homilectics" means "preaching."  "I took a class my sophomore year at Charleston Southern -- thought I was going to be a preacher."  I hesitate. He looks at me quizzically.  Do I dare put my hand on his shoulder?  "I have my old class notes back in my apartment -- I can bring them by the church later, or if you want to have lunch..."  

"Sure, lunch sounds great," he says with a smile.  

Suddenly I'm feeling hot.  My heart is racing.  "Ok...um, so meet me in an hour.  Do you want to go to Dudley's?  They're serving lunch now."

He frowns.  Because he doesn't know that Dudley's is a gay bar, or because he knows, and isn't gay?

Think of an alternative, fast!  "Or...um..the Brown Dog Deli, on Calhoun?"  

"Ok, Brown Dog Deli in an hour."  We face each other.  I can't stop grinning.  What do I do now?  Hug him?  Kiss him?  He seems to be having the same dilemma.  Suddenly we both laugh, and he reaches out for another handshake.  

"Bye."

Kelvin

Driving to my apartment, digging out my notes, doing 100 push-ups so I'll have a chest, showering, deciding on a hot but not slutty outfit, driving to the Brown Dog...that leaves six minutes to rush down Kelvin's office next to the Prism Prayer Room.  

No books except for several copies of the Bible; no desk, just a serpentine-slide thing that looks like a throne; and a lot of exercise machines: our guy likes to work out during his office hours.  Right now he's doing bicep curls -- huge biceps!  I see them three times a week, but I still can't take my eyes off them.  Except to look at the enormous club-bulge in his gym shorts.  Is that real or augmented by a balled-up sock?   

"Clay, My Man!" he exclaims.  "Sit down!  How's that paper on Catullus coming?"  How does he remember all the details of everyone who goes to Prism?

"Fine, I guess. Still stuck in the introduction.  Actually,  I stopped by because I need your advice."

'That's what I'm here for, Boyo. What's on your heart?"

"Um...the thing is, I'm having lunch with Gideon in 53 minutes."

"Who...Gideon Gemstone?  My nephew Gideon?"  He looks surprised.  Too surprised.  "In the market for a new spiritual leader?"

I smile.  Kelvin is jealous!  "No, actually...um...I'm not sure whether it's a friend hang or a date.  I don't even know if Gideon is gay."  

This is the part where Kelvin tells me "Of course he's gay."  He would know, right?

But Kelvin frowns.  "I'm afraid I can't help you there.  I have no idea about Gideon.  He mostly keeps to himself -- we've never had a heart-to-heart talk.  I've maybe said ten words to him in the last year, and four of those words were 'Happy Birthday!' and 'Merry Christmas'"

My heart sinks.  Why would Gideon be gay and not confide in his uncle?  

"Does he ever bring a friend to the family dinner?"

"Not that I can remember. Wait -- there was a guy named Scotty, a couple of years ago, came out from California to visit Gideon, and stayed for two or three weeks.  They were, like, together every moment."

"A boyfriend?"  

"I don't know, but he turned out to be a crook.  He robbed the church's Easter offering and left Gideon and his Dad tied up in the vault."  He pauses.  "Come to think of it, that's the last person outside the family that I've seen Gideon with."

My six minutes are over.  I thank Kelvin, steal anouther peek at his biceps, and rush out.

The Brown Dog

Gideon orders the Susan Hayward Salmon Salad.  I always get a Coney Island Chili-Cheese Dog with fries -- it's the Brown Dog Deli, right?  But I don't want to stain my shirt, or get onion on my breath on the off chance that there will be kissing later -- so I order the Soup of the Day.  

He reads aloud the list of required textbooks from my homilectics class: "Contemporary Preaching, Comedy Preaching, Preaching to People with Disabilities, Homilectics from an Asian-American Perspective..." Ulp, he skips over A Queer Homilectic.  "I like the Week 1 Lecture: 'Skip the slides, or at least use them well.'"

"Yeah, the idea is that preaching is different from lecturing to a classroom.  You're trying to reach people's hearts, not their heads."

"Sounds like you were very good at it."

"I just got a B+.  In my family, anything under an A++ is considered a failure."

"Is that why you tranferred to the College of Charleston and became a Classics major?"

"No, I just fell in love with Latin.  Ovid. Apuleius.  Virgil's Eclogues.  Formosum pastor Corydon ardebat Alexin." Oh no, it's about a guy named Alexis in love with the beautiful shepherd Corydon.  Why did I quote that?  What if he asks for a translation?

Saved by the bell: our food arrives, giving me a chance to change the subject.  "My parents wanted me to major in business and like sit in an office all day, talking about stocks or something.  They really didn't like my decision to major in classics -- dead languages, and not even Asian!  They had this image in their head of me with a wife and kids, a house in the suburbs, mowing the lawn, barbecuing, fixing the rain gutters.

"I had the same problem.  My parents wouldn't let me be me.  They had this image of me as a perfect little church boy.  When I was 16, I ran way to California, and didn't talk to my dad for a year."

A moment of connection!  I reach out and cup my hand over Gideon's.  He draws away. Because he's not gay, because he's not into me, or because he needs his hand to hold his fork?

I pretend not to notice.  "What brought you back to South Carolina?"

"I've been going back and forth.  A few months in L.A., then a few months at home.  I'm not sure where I belong.  Maybe I don't belong anywhere."

Gideon is lost, and lonely.  Gay or not, maybe he just needs a friend.

We eat in silence for a few minutes.  Then: "Are you busy tomorrow?"

Tomorrow night?  Like a real date?  Maybe he just needs a boyfriend!  "I have a seminar in Apuleus at 10:00, but I'm free after that."

"My Uncle Baby Billy is filming at tv show about Jesus as a teenager.  They're doing it campy, like a modern day high school."

I know -- I've dated the guy who plays Teenjus.  But I tell Gideon.  "That sounds interesting."

"Want to drop by and watch a rehearsal tomorrow? We could get dinner later."

He is definitely describing a date!

I spend the rest of the day vaguely listening to professors lecture and my roommate drone on about some video game, while thinking about Gideon.  Hopefully he's a bottom -- he's so soft and slim, sort of femme, he's got to be a bottom.  Not that I would mind going downtown....

More after the break

The "Righteous Gemstones" Season 4 Timeline, with the Gemstone Brothers Stories and Clay, Ash, and Cousin Karl's cock

I'm not quite finished with The Righteous Gemstones yet.  This is a timeline, mostly head canon (that is, my invention) of the events of Episodes 4.7-4.9, the summer and fall of 2025, incorporating the Gemstone Brothers stories. 

May 7: “The Return of Scotty Steele”: 21-year old Clay Chang meets 23-year old Gideon at Gideon’s Prayer Time, hears his terribly inept sermon (Episode 4.7), and invites him out to lunch.

  

May 8: They go to a Teenjus filming, where Gideon runs into Scotty Steele, his boyfriend/partner in crime from Season 1.  Turns out that Scotty didn't die in that car crash.  He recovered and went to work for Baby Billy.  

After the emotional turmoil of seeing Scotty again, Gideon doesn't think he's ready for a new boyfriend, but he changes his mind later.

May 14: Gideon demonstrates his skateboarding skill and reconciles with his brother Pontius.

May 21: The Top Christ Following Man of the Year contest.  Kelvin wins.  Vance Simkins has a breakdown.

June 12: Lori and Eli break up.

July 1: Corey's birthday party.  The Gator Park Massacre (Episode 4.8) Cobb is killed. 18-year old Stacy, a recent high school graduate working at the Gator Park for the summer, is shot. Canonical: around July 4th.

July 7: “Pontius Gemstone and the Boy Named Stacy”: 20-year old Pontius visits Stacy in the hospital. They act on their attraction, but Stacy isn’t sure if it’s “real.”  Then Pontius introduces him to his father as "my boyfriend."

Left: Stacy's butt

July 10: Baby Billy cancels the Teenjus filming.

July 19: The Lake House.  Corey attacks and shoots the siblings.  Jesse shoots and kills hm.   Canonical: Sometime in July.

More after the break

Solar Opposites Episode 4.9: Skyler Gisondo plays a muscular bat-alien with a human boyfriend, plus Thomas Middleditch penis

 

Solar Opposites is an animated sitcom about a family of sentient slugs that crash-landed on Earth and must look for a way home while adapting to bizarre human customs like gender polarization:  Korvo (Justin Roilland/Dan Stevens), the "man of the house," resistant to assimilation; Terry (Thomas Middleditch), the childcare expert, who eagerly adopts human culture;  Yumyulak (Sean Giambone), the teenage boy, a rebel who hates humans; and a teenage girl and pupa (infant).  

But this is a review of an episode where no one in the family appears except in flashbacks.  I'm including a beefcake photo of Sean Giambone (left) and frontals of Thomas Middleditch (below) anyway. 

Episode 4.9, "Down and Out on Planet X-Non," stars Glenn (Kieran Culkin), the family's snoopy neighbor, who got blasted into space.  He joined the SilverCops Space Force, but they framed him for murder.  He had to flee into the wilderness of an alien planet, fighting monsters and nearly dying many times.  And now his story continues in what seems to be the pilot for a spin-off.

Scene 1: After having an "expositional dream," Glenn awakens in a run-down office, naked.  Zy (Skyler Gisondo, top photo), a muscular being with a bat-head, found him in the wilderness, half-dead.  "What were you doing all alone in the woods?"

"I go there to jerk off," Glenn jokes.  "I got a thing for trees.  Why am I naked?"

"Your clothes were soaked with piss and shit." 

Zy infers that he has a "secred, fucked-up past," so he'll be perfect for their group of multi-species thieves and con-men.  

Glen tries to leave, but outside the door, beings are robbing and killing each other, so he decides to stay.  First queer code; Zy puts his hand on Glenn's shoulder and leaves it there.

Scene 2: The tour.  Most of the group has holograms on their chest, which means "they need extra help." 

"But I don't have a hologram on my chest," Glenn complains.

"I'm sure you have a hologram in your heart."  Awww..getting a little crush on this human, Zy?

Second queer code: Hand on shoulder again.  Third queer code: Again.  Gee, Zy can't keep his hands off Glenn.

Scene 3:  Interview with the group leader, Skeletom, a hippie dude with a glowing green skeleton.  He explains: "This place is for people who don't fit in."  Island of Misfit Toys, huh?  Queer code #3.  "No one else has our backs, so we have to be family to each other."

Scene 4: Glenn, Zy, a cat-being, and a Cthulhu-being on a scam run. Zy explains that the 'Raffs (sentient giraffes) took over and pushed the indigenous population into slums, using SilverCops to break heads:  "They claim they're keeping the peace, but they're racist as hell, and they play the natives against each other."  Cthulhu Lives Matter.  

Uh-oh, their last victim called the SilverCops.  Run!  Hiding in an alley, they discuss how much they hate the Sils.  And Glenn is one!  If they find out, he'll lose their friendship -- or worse.

More after the break

Gemstones Season 4 Memes: Kelvin is kissing, Jesse is packing, and Pontius is coming out. With random n*de dudes and the Wicked Witch of the West

  

This is a series of memes -- jokes -- from The Righteous Gemstones Season 4.  Most don't don't require you to have any background knowledge of the show.  There are also a few random n*de dudes.

1. Random n*de dude

2. Isn't the wiener-licking monster implied?

Keefe" I don't have time for the Kissy Monster right now."

Kelvin: "How about the Wiener-Licking Monster"?

3. Listing the heterosexuals would be faster

Vance: "How many homosexuals in your family?"

Jesse: "If you mean gay men, just two.  If you mean bi/pan guys, there's Daddy, Uncle Baby Billy, Keefe, Pontius, and...why are you in that position?"

4. Don't forget jumping out of buildings.

My name is Gideon Gemstone.

My first boyfriend was the Devil.

I took out the Cycle Ninjas.

I smashed the Brotherhood of Tomorrow's Fires.

I'm a skateboard phenom.

But the greatest challenge I'll ever face is preaching the Sunday sermon.

5. Jesse knows what he likes.

Corey: "Are you as turned on as I am?"

Don't worry, Gaven Wilde, Sean Ryan Fox, and their characters are all over 18

6. Corey cock.  

More memes after the break

Skyler's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 5: Bathtub pic, glory hole pic, hanging with Scotty pic. With Corenswet and Hoult backsides

 

This is a collection of cute/cool or hot/humorous photos of  Skyler Gisondo, star of The Santa Clarita Diet and The Righteous Gemstones, and Jimmy Olson in the upcoming Superman: Legacy.  

1. "Another photo collection?  Haven't you seen enough of me?"

I can't help it, buddy.  You keep posting homoerotic pics.

2. And now that you're starring in Superman, we have David Corenswet to worry about, too.

3. And Nicholas Hoult/Lex Luther

4. "Hey, I thought this was a photo collection about me."

Sorry.  How about a long-hair bathtub pic?

5. "Have you met my girlfriend?"

Odd time to introduce her.

6. I don't care what you do in private, but let's get back to the homoeroticism.  Tell me about your relationship with Scott McArthur when you were filming "Righteous Gemstones" Season 1.

"We really carped the diem… from frisbee golf courses to to swamp tours to bondage... I mean bluegrass concerts to cock...I mean chasing down the best fried chicken sandwich in Charleston."

More after the break.  Caution: explicit

The Binge: Skyler Gisondo's chest, two queer codes, some random naked guys, and a lot of queerbaiting

A review of The Binge (2020) praised the "strong friendship" between the central pair. Strong friendship means gay subtext, right?

So I sat through 20 minutes of a bad 1980s teen nerd comedy until the heteronormativity became overwhelming, then fast-forwarded to places where guys interacted without half-naked girls around.  Strong friendship means gay subtext, right? 

Not so much. Two queer codes, two queerbait characters, and 3,041 exclamations of "girls are the meaning of life!"

The premise: a new Prohibition.  All alcohol and narcotics are banned in the U.S., except one day a year you can have all you want.  This is ridiculous: The logistics of producing and distributing all of that booze would be a nightmare, and narcotics -- usually understood as opiates and opioids -- are very dangerous.  Combine them with booze, and you will die.  And what about the use of opioids as painkillers?  Anyhow, most abused drugs are stimulants like cocaine or hallucinogens like Ecstasy, and have little addiction potential.

The guys: Griffin (Skyler Gisondo. top photo) and Hags (Dexter Darden, right. not what it looks like),  high school seniors, are eligible for their first Binge.  They want to go to a big binge party, because the Girls of Their Dreams will be there, and they can ask them to the prom and then to get married. (To stir things up, Griffin's girl happens to be the daughter of the over-protective Evil Principal).

Most of the movie involves their misadventures in attempting to get there.  Griffin gets his eyebrow shaved off.  They try to resurrect an injured cow, and get squirted with milk (presented as disgusting, although you pour it on your cereal every morning).  There's a ludicrously stupid song-and-dance number that goes on forever and ever.  

The queer codes: The Evil Principal (Vince Vaughn, left), explaining the horrible things that happen to teens who binge, discusses a girl who "found herself on a private plane with twelve Saudi princes, never to be seen again."  Griffin asks Hags if he wants to end up that way: "On a private plane?  Absolutely!", implying that he wouldn't mind being the sex companion for a group of Saudi princes.  But then they begin discussing the Girls of their Dreams.

Near the end of the movie, the guys have broken up.  In a climactic scene, they cross a crowded dance floor to embrace.  That's an "affirming our love" moment.  But then they ask their girls to the prom.

Queerbait #1: They catch a ride with Pompano Mike (Tony Cavalero), who is driving a busload of half-naked girls to the party, but doesn't express any heterosexual desire of his own.

Queerbait #2: Andrew (Eduardo Franco), who acts like a stoner even in the absence of marijuana, doesn't express any heterosexual interest; he tags along on the guys' quest just because he is an outcast at the high school, and wants friends.  Besides, another of Eduardo Franco's characters, Argyle, had a gay-subtext romance with Will Byers in Stranger Things

In a climactic scene, Andrew is arm wrestling with, I think Seb (Esteban Benito).  I was fast forwarding, so I don't know the back story.  He says "I love you!," and Seb responds "I love you. too."  Andrew is elated: "I've been waiting all my life for..."  Psych!  Seb was just trying to distract Andrew so he could win!  That sounds like a gay exchange.

Disillusionment and dicks after the break. Caution: arousal.

Gemstones Episode 4.4: Gideon is gay, Jesse jealous, and Kelvin scared. Plus a Big Dick and a play within a play

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.3, Continued: Vance is homophobic, Jesse is sad, and Kelvin is doomed.  With Ryan, Vance, and Hamlet d*cks

Title: "He Goeth Before You Into Galilee."  Matthew 28.7 Mary Magdalene and the other Mary see that the tomb of Jesus is empty.  An angel tells them to tell the disciples that he has risen from the dead, and "he goeth before you ointo Galilee."  

Welcome to Galilee Gulch.  Baby Billy water-skiing naked, nice shots of his dong and butt.  That's two Baby Billy dongs in four episodes.

Then the Gemstones and Milsaps arrive at Galilee Gulch, a huge "lake house" on Lake Marion, about an hour north of Charleston.  Coincidentally, the house where they filmed is owned by a gay couple.

Pontius complains; Jesse makes him carry in some bags.  

Some cute attendants, who aren't in the cast list, take care of the wheelchair-using BJ, who complains that the whole place is inaccessible.  He'll be constantly complaining about everything through the episode.

Keefe wants to go waterskiing naked, like Uncle Baby Billy, but Kelvin doesn't want to hang dong with his uncle.  Then he forces Keefe to carry the gigantic trunk full of shoes into the house.  That's no way to treat your partner, buddy.  At least he calls Keefe "Sweetheart."

The Breakup Plan: Uncle Baby Billy disapproves of the Eli-Lori relationship -- we aren't told why, but maybe he knows something from Lori's past -- and pushes the siblings into a plan to break them up. The siblings point out that they arranged this weekend retreat because the lake house is full of Aimee-Leigh's things, and will certainly cause Eli to feel guilty about "abandoning Mama." 

For instance, Eli and Lori's bedroom still has Aimee-Leigh's clothes in the closet,  He orders the eavesdropping siblings to call "the help" and have them moved out.  

Kelvin is pretending to read the complete works of William Shakespeare.  Another clue that we're in the middle of Hamlet.

To refresh your memory: Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, suspects that his mother and uncle, Gertrude and Claudius, conspired to murder his father and take the throne.  He kills his trusted advisor; his girlfriend commits suicide; Gertrude is poisoned; he kills Claudius, then dies himself.  "The rest is silence."  Well, there's no one left alive.

The New Nanny: Baby Billy is being nasty to his wife and children ("Get them out of here!"), and expresses his hatred for the butch Germanic nanny, Sola (Kirsten Schultze).  So why not fire her?

Gideon is Gay:  Friday dinner. Kelvin, Keefe, Abraham, and BJ are playing blackjack, the others sitting around a kitchen island.  Jesse gets jealous because Gideon is sitting next to Eli, and they shared a joke. 

 Jesse is treating Gideon as a romantic partner who is cheating on him with Eli.  That is not really happening, of course, but it is heavily implied that Gideon is gay, for the first time since Season 1 -- back then he got more queer codes than Kelvin.  I guess they can't drop hints about Kelvin and Keefe anymore, so they have to do Gideon.

Corey apologizes for his reaction to Eli/Lori, and brings in 100 pounds of barbecued pork. 

More after the break, including a big dick

Gemstones Episode 4.3, Continued: Vance is homophobic, Jesse is sad, and Kelvin is doomed. With Ryan, Vance, and Hamlet dicks

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.3: Keefe has sex with the Devil.  So does Eli.  With a pole dancer's dick and the Groundskeeper's butt

In the first part of Episode 4.3, Kelvin has night terrors and a feeling of impending doom as his last safe place is destroyed, the siblings worry that Eli is schtupping Aimee-Leigh's best friend, and BJ (Tim Baltz) falls on his head during a pole dancing contest

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Tim Baltz with stunt double Ryan Moody

BJ is....: The family gathers at the hospital.  Everyone wonders why Eli and Lori arrived at the same time, suspecting that the two are having s*x.  Maybe focus on the crisis?

A doctor appears and tells Judy "I'm very sorry."  Ulp.

No, BJ isn't dead, but he's paralyzed, and will have to use a wheelchair.  Judy cries.  "What are we going to do?"

Left: Maybe Ryan's little friend will cheer you up.

The Quail Hunt: Eli, Jesse, and some members of the Cape and Pistol Society in ridiculous floppy-hat uniforms shooting quail, I think.  I don't see the significance of this scene, except to contrast with the Civil War scenes in the trailer.  

How Many Gay Gemstones? Cut to the Cape and Pistol headquarters, where a minister congratulates Jesse on his brother being nominated for Top Christ Following Man of the Year.   Rival megachurch pastor Vance Simkins (Stephen Dorff, top photo), one of the Season 3 antagonists, has also been nominated, and complains: "I guess your homosexual brother is the one with the juice nowadays." 

This doesn't upset Jesse, so Vance tries again.  "I heard your brother-in-law fell out of the sky...Word on the street is that he was stripping..how many homosexuals does that make in your family now?"

"Two," Jesse answers.  "The same number of dead parents in your family."

Wait -- he can't be agreeing that BJ is gay, so who is the second "homosexual"?  Keefe?  But he and Kelvin aren't married.  

Gideon?  Remember, Aimee-Leigh admitted Scotty to the family after his death, and Gideon hasn't expressed any interest in anyone since.  Maybe he's still in mourning.

Vance tries again: "You're losing in our rivalry due to your poor character."  You're not exactly a saint yourself, Vance Baby.   His churches have turned into bathrooms, "with that filth your brother's been preaching. It's what your church is becoming known for.  Does that bother you?"

Of course Kelvin's success bothers Jesse, but not for that reason, so he counters that he is succesful too.  And the ministers start to circle.

More after the break