"Eternally Yours": Heteronormative vampire family, with some gay actors, nude dudes, and a guy with heart-throb level gorgeousness

 


True Blood, on HBO (2008-14), had some gay vampires among the undead coming "out of the coffin. 

What We Do In the Shadows (2019-24), on "fearless" FX, featured a group of vampire housemates, most of them queer: "Some of my wives were men, and some were women." 

But Eternally Yours (2026), on CBS, the stodgy old people's network, is entirely heteronormative, featuring three male-female vampire couples:

 


 

Couple #1. Charles (Ed Weeks, left) and Liz have been a married middle-aged vampire couple for 500 years and dislike each other, but the Council of Elders forbids divorce.








Couple #2: Max (Jaren Lewiston) and Emma, Charles and Liz's daughter.  They turned her when she was child dying of diphteria 200 years ago. Now a young adult, she started dating Max (Jaren Lewiston).  When he came to meet the parents, he was accidently hit by a marble bust, so Dad turned him to prevent him from dying.  Not to worry, he enjoys learning about vampire culture and being part of the "coven." 

Jaren Lewison is a 5'7" Short Guy, and apparently gay in real life.



Left: Reputedly Jaren's junk.


Couple #3: Jesse (the eternally shirtless Parker Young) and his elderly human wife.  Jesse was turned 150 years ago.  In a big reveal, Liz admits that she wanted him for her first kill, but she didn't drain enough blood, so he turned instead of dying.  He got married to a human woman, but didn't turn her, so she is now elderly, and must never learn about the existence of vampires.  Doesn't she wonder why her husband is still young, and her sons still teenagers?  Or why they drink blood at every meal?














More after the break

Tyler Alvarez: Gay-subtext foster, vandal, blockbuster, and ghost, but is he gay in real life? With two Tyler and four other cocks, plus Gavin Munn

 


In Minimum Wage Episode 1.2 (2026), thirty Drama Club teens descend upon the pizza place, making impossible demands and being outrageously entitled.  Tyler (Tyler Alvarez), the most entitled of the lot, acts like a stereotypic gay drama club boy, hanging on his bestie, Teala (Teale Dunn).  But he is actually straight; they are dating.

They are reprising their characters from the teen romcom Crush (2022): High schooler Paige pursues her crush, a female track star, but ends up with her sister.  Amid all the lesbian representation, Paige's "gay" best friend (Tyler), is actually straight, with a girlfriend (Teala). 

I wanted to know if the cute (and short) Tyler Alvarez has played any other gay-coded straight guys, or even gay-coded gay guys.

Question 1: Any actual gay characters?

Tyler was born in 1997 to a Dominican-American father and a Puerto Rican mother.  He attended the LaGuardia High School for the Performing Arts, class of 2015.

While still in high school, he was cast as Diego in Every Witch Way (2014-15), featuring a girl at Hogwarts...um, I mean Iridium High...who discovers that she is the Chosen One.  Tyler plays Diego, a Churi Kanay (who can control the elements).  He's straight.


Next, High School Lover (2017): A 17-year old girl falls for the older Francois Arnaud, and her dad is upset.  Isn't it also a crime?  Tyler plays Larry, her best friend and comic relief.  I read a plot synopsis and an interview, but nobody mentions whether he is gay.  

And Declan on five episodes of The Fosters (2018), about a lesbian couple raising a crew of foster and adopted children.  Declan is a streamer with an implied crush on Jude (Hayden Byerly), who famously came out while in middle school.


American Vandal (2017-18), surprisingly, is not about the motorcycle gang, it's about actual vandalism at a high school: phallic images painted on 27 teachers' cars.  Tyler's Peter Maldonado and his friend Sam (Griffin Gluck) team up to find the culprit.  They don't express any heterosexual interest, and are often interpreted as a gay-subtext couple.

Tyler also played the violent, homophobic Benito on six episodes of Orange is the New Black (2015-19) and Malcolm, a girl's toxic, manipulative boyfriend, on five episodes of Never Have I Ever (2021).



He had a starring role in Blockbuster, which premiered on Netflix in November 2022 and was cancelled in December (but it's still there, in case you want to look it up). He plays Carlos, a "casually queer" video store employee who starts a "he's arrogant!" romance with Damon (Max Lloyd-Jones), culminating with a kiss.

On Ghosts (2023), Tyler plays Ralph, a "basement ghost" cholera victim who dates Stephanie, a victim of a 1980s psych-slasher.  After they hook up, he ascends to the afterlife.

Wait -- I thought this sounded familiar. Tyler Alvarez is a Short Guy, 5'6".  I posted a profile after I saw him on Ghosts, but deleted it due to low pageviews. 








Maybe a cock or two will push up the pageviews this time?  This one definitely looks like Tyler.












In Pools (2025): Kennedy goes pool-hopping with her friends, including bookworm Blake (Tyler) and hunky Reed (Mason Gooding, left), with whom she hooks up. No plot synopsis, so I don't know if Tyler's character is gay or not.










More after the break, including a lot more cocks and Gavin Munn.

Elliott Fullam: Gay superfan, horror movie scream queen, big dick. But is a big dick and nice abs enough? With Charlie's chest and Mason's butt

 


Having finished School Spirits' third season, we're running low on options for evening tv watching (my partner will only agree to watch the shows I review here if they get an A).  So we're rewatching The Other Two (2019-2023), about a boy (Case Walker, left) who achieves sudden fame as a pop singer named ChaseDreams, to the dismay of his older brother and sister, struggling actor Carey (Drew Tarver) and failed dancer Brooke.   














Left: Drew hooks up in the shower.

In Episode 1.10 (2019), ChaseDreams performs at MTV Video Music Awards.  Outside, girl fans scream from behind a barricade -- wait, there's one boy, holding up a poster from Chase's song "My Brother's Gay, and That's Ok."  He tries to get the attention of the gay brother, but Carey is  too upset over his own crisis to notice. 




A gay fan?  Tell me more.

The cast list identifies him as a Superfan, played by 14-year old Elliott Fullam. 

As of this writing, Elliott is 21.  Was this an unusual guest spot, or does he play a lot of gay characters?  

Time to do some research.




Elliott grew up in Budd Lake, New Jersey, a resort town about an hour's drive from Manhattan.  His father, Justin, is an artist and punk rocker who runs the Little Punk People podcast along with his wife Diane.   

Elliott began assisting at age nine, and soon was conducting interviews of his own, with punk celebrities Norman Reedus (The Walking Dead), Gaten Matarazzo (Stranger Things), Jay Mews (from Jay and Silent Bob), and Scott Ian of the band Anthrax.  He drew 300,000 subscribers to the website.


This led him to some commercials, and a role in Instinct (2018).  The title is a misdirection; it's about a crime novelist (Alan Cummings) who solves crimes.  Elliott played the young version.

In Terrifier 2 (2022): Art the Evil Clown, killed at the end of the original, is resurrected and invades a Halloween party, to slice up some teenagers.  Elliott plays the focus girl's little brother Jonathan, an Art the Clown superfan.  







Art is resurrected again in Terrifier 3 (2024), and sets about harassing Jonathan, now a college student (no girlfriend: he might be gay).  This time the hapless superfan is beheaded. Mason Mecartea (left), playing Jonathan's dorm mate, show his chest and butt while  being eviscerated with a chainsaw. 

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Life is Still Unfair: "Malcolm in the Middle" returns, with a super-jerky Malcolm, a nude Hal, and a nonbinary sibling. Plus Francis and Alex dicks .



Malcolm in the Middle
(2000-2006) starred Frankie Muniz as Malcolm, the genius son in a struggling, working-class family with four boys.  I watched mainly because it was inserted into the must-see Sunday night lineup on Fox: Futurama, King of the Hill, The Simpsons, Malcolm in the Middle, Family Guy, American Dad. 










 
I don't remember many of Malcolm's plotlines, but I liked the delinquent older brother Francis (Christopher Masterson) in military school amid hunky gay-subtext dormmates, then moving to Alaska with his...um...best buddy.

Left: Christopher, artistic interpretation.

And middle brother Reese (Justin Berfield), who had so many queer codes that I expected a coming-out episode -- until the spineless writers lost their nerve and gave him a girlfriend. 

20 years have passed, and three of the four brothers (plus their parents, buddies, marital partners, and kids) are back in a four-part miniseries on Hulu.








Scene 1
: Suited 40-year old Malcolm tells a reporter that his company does tech stuff to hook up grocery store chains with food banks, so their unsold merchandise goes to people who need it.  Then, addressing the audience, he brags that he is rich, successful, and infinitely happy. And he did it all by cutting off his family. 

I'm not happy about the "Looking at me, I'm so much better than you!"  And your family was not abusive. Cutting them off is cold.






Scene 2: At the house, Mom Lois is shaving Dad Hal's back hair, while he stands naked in front of a laptop, face timing with youngest son Dewey. We're supposed to find this disgusting, but Hal has a perfectly presentable physique for a 70 year old (butt after the break).

Dewey (now played by Caleb Ellsworth-Clark) is performing before King Carl Gustaf of Sweden.  And he brags about his numerous girlfriends. Was the original series this annoyingly heterosexist?

Did you remember that Hal and Lois had a fifth child in a late-series "Why not have a wacky birth?" plot arc?   I didn't, but, but here they are: the young adult Kelly (Vaughan Murrae), who is nonbinary.  

Hal makes a big show of not understanding their pronouns: "We're going shopping.  Does them want to come?"   But Kelly fights back: "Him can't come with we. Us have homework."

In other news, Lois and Hal's big anniversary party is coming up.

Scene 3: On the way home, Malcolm continues to brag about how cutting off his family changed his life: "I don't act like a sociopath.  I'm less angry, more mature. But whenever I'm around them, I revert."  Montage of Malcolm yelling at a family dinner, at a funeral, when his brother criticizes him for bragging about his car.  Now he lives far away, and avoids holiday visits, but a stream of phone calls and emails makes them think that he still cares.

Cut to Hal and Lois at a big box store, looking for a ruby garland.   Craig (David Anthony Higgins), who used to be Lois's boss with a crush on her, pops up to explain why he's no longer working at the drug store.


Suddenly Hal and his old musical group perform an a capella love song -- right in the aisle!    Well, not a love song, precisely: "Your sex takes me to paradise..."

 I remember that group vaguely -- he's the only white member, but he feels left out because the other guys are more successful.  Didn't they also prank Lois's racist mother?

Left: Musical group member Alex Morris, probably.

Lois is embarrassed by the "romantic gesture."  Could they do something likes, for a change?  

Scene 4:  Back to Malcolm.  He introduces his daughter Leah, "a trophy I won for attending my first kegger in college Her mother left three days after giving birth.  I'm a single father, but I'm good at it!"

Cut to Leah crying in her room.  She addresses the camera, explaining that she doesn't cry all the time. She usually does depressed apathy or rage.

Malcolm wants to know what's wrong: she's isolated at school, with no friends, and Mean Girls prank her. 

"Don't worry, it will get better once you go away to college and cut me off."

Mom Lois calls, insisting that they come to the anniversary party. This is her third text, so Malcolm has to strategize, explaining why he didn't answer the others in a way that makes it look like he cares.

More after the break