Saturday, June 22, 2024

Jonathan Chase and Skyler Gisondo: What's the gay connection?


I wanted to know if Skyler Gisondo was a gay ally or, growing up in Conservative Judaism, not so much, so I googled "Skyler Gisondo" and "nude."  Ok,  I do that every day.

Then "Skyler Gisondo" and "gay," and this search screen popped up:

Someone named Jonathan Chase about to kiss a guy, who doesn't look anything like Skyler Gisondo.

It's supposed to be on  his X, but I can't find it there. 

Skyler fills his social media with pictures of his male friends, but Jonathan Chase is not among them.  So what's their gay connection? 

According to the IMDB, Jonathan Chase grew up in Plantation, Florida, a suburb of Fort Lauderdale.  He has 64 acting credits, including Another Gay Movie, 2006, which explains the numerous nude photos.  It features four gay friends who are trying to "lose their virginity," that is, have anal sex.  Here Jonathan's character, Jarod, is losing his.

The surprised guy bursting in on them is Griff, played by Mitch Morris, who is also the one about to  be kissed in the "gay Skyler Gisondo" photo.

Here Jarod is topping him after they realize that they've been in love the whole time.  I cropped out the faces because Griff has his finger in his mouth, which I find disgusting.

More Jonathan and Skyler after the break

"The Out-Laws": Adam Devine has a crush on Pierce Brosnan. Don't you?

The Out-Laws has an embarrassing low Rotten Tomatoes score, but it stars Adam Devine, plus Reyn Doi, who played a gay kid on That 90's Show, as a “weird and interesting looking boy famous for ribbon dancing to weird music.” Maybe he'll be gay in this movie, too.

Scene 1: This is amazing: a diorama of a wedding reception featuring miniatures of every cartoon and sci-fi character you have ever heard of: Beavis and Butt-head, E.T.,  The Human Fly, Ren and Stimpy, Gumby, a Teletubby.  Owen (Adam Devine) explains to his fiancee Parker (a girl) that each character matches a real guest's personality.  His horrible parents are Skeletor and Medusa.  

She wants to know which figure he is.  "He-Man, of course."  To demonstrate the resemblance, he shakes his butt and frontside (no underwear for our boy!).

"This is the man I'm going to marry," she says with a resigned sigh.  I take that you didn't choose Owen for his goofball personality, girl?  It must have been the cock and balls bouncing around. 

"By the way, let's start the plot moving: my parents can come to the wedding after all."  He gets all excited; they smooch. It's a heterosexual rom-com.  Get used to it.

Scene 2: 
 Owen 's parents, Skeletor and Medusa, criticize his fiancee ("She is not a stripper!  She owns a very successful yoga studio!"), his choice of wedding venue, and finally him ("You're becoming weird, Owen!).

Cut to work. He is the youngest manager in the history of Sunshine Bank!   After polishing his photo and booping its nose, he faces his work buds.  They complain that he never dated anyone before, and now suddenly he's engaged.  What's wrong with her?  Why does one of the most handsome men on Earth play so many guys who can't get laid?  You can only stretch willing suspension of disbelief so far.

First crisis: Gary has locked himself in the vault again, even though there's an emergency exit lever right there. 

Security guard buddy Tyree (Lil Rel Howery) tells  Owen that the manager of the competing bank called him a "dickless troll" "I tried not to laugh, but it was fucking hysterical, imagining you without a dick."  Now try imagining him with a dick.

Scene 3:  Dinner at a hibachi restaurant with Owen, his parents, his cousin, his grandmother, a teenage girl, and a little boy.  They grill Fiancee Parker on being a stripper.  "I'm a yoga instructor!" she protests.  Cousin RJ (Blake Anderson from Workaholics) has become an EMT; he wants to give Owen a ride in his ambulance and flatline him so he can visit their grandpa, who died of...well, figure it out for yourself.  It's dirty.

Owen needs some pictures of Parker's parents for his next creative project, but she doesn't have any, so he calls the owner of their storage facility to ask to be admitted to the McDermott locker.  There are two pictures of shirtless guys on the bulletin board behind him.  The storage guy is gay!  

The storage guy calls a Scary Rich Lady to notify her that someone asked about the locker.   She takes Owen's name, then deals with the issue of a guy selling her fake diamonds -- by shooting him! Uh-oh, Owen is in over his head. 

Later, while getting ready for bed (no beefcake), Owen and Fiancee Parker discuss the logistics of her parents' visit: they'll arrive the night before the wedding, and so on. Owen puts in his retainer, but then realizes that his girl wants to smooch and spits it out.  She definitely was attracted by his genitals, not by his goofiness.  Their foreplay consist of her fondling his earlobes or something.

Scene 4:  Owen comes into the house with groceries, talking to Parker on his phone: "I got that tofu you like." "Yeah, I like my tofu like I like my men: real hard."  Me too, girl.   She continues that "Tonight I'm going to twist you up like one of those Go-Gurts and slurp you dry."  Ok, I like to imagine Adam getting oral sex as much as the next guy, but that sounds painful.  

He begins singing about how tonight they're finally going to bone.  Wait -- they sleep in the same bed. Why wouldn't they have....? 

 Her parents are in the house, watching!  Surprise -- they're 1980s mega-stars Pierce Brosnan (Billy) and Ellen Barkin (Lily).  Who didn't have a crush on Brosnan's lovable rogue on Remington Steele?

After decking him in self-defense and informing him that they aren't burglars, Mom Lily wants a hug, and Dad Billy kisses him - right on the mouth!  "You kiss just like Parker!"  Owen exclaims, not entirely displeasd.

Parker comes in.  The parents act batshit crazy, threatening Owen and then backing off with "I'm joking." Wait -- is Parker doing a long con, pretending to be in love with Owen so her confederates can rob his bank?

Scene 5:  Wine, weird art-project presents, and their meet-cute story: Owen enrolled in Parker's yoga class, and passed out in the child-position, butt in the air.  She thought he was dead. "So you asked her out?"  "No, I stayed in the class for a year and a half, then she asked me out."  That's a very long con.  Parker must be unaware of her parents' career path.

Cut to Owen making breakfast the next morning.  Parker can't get anyone to cover her class, so  Owen has to entertain her parents.  

They discover that Owen doesn't like his butt grabbed: "It scares me."  So of course they all have to do it.  This will become important later.

Scene 6: Owen has some fun activities planned: a South American pottery exhibit, followed by the Holocaust Museum (it has a great food court). But they're up for skydiving, with Owen attached to Dad Billy's body: "I'm not going to pull the cord until you convince me that I should let you marry my daughter."  I'd be calling that wedding off the minute we hit the ground.  

Owen: "I love her!  I dog sit!  I tip 20%!  I'll never have sex with her! Pull the cord!" Billy: "That's my cock, you idiot!"  Geez, Owen, at least wait until you land.

Next up: a tattoo parlor, but Owen is too sensitive for more than one prick.

Next: a bar.  Owen gushes about how cool Dad Billy is.  Even his smell!  "You're so lucky you get to have sex with him," he tells Lily.  Maybe if you ask him nicely, he'll invite you to join in. 

Billy runs into the Scary Rich Lady, and assures her that Owen is an idiot.  He has no idea what's going on.  

Scene 7:  Next day?  Owen at work, praising Billy to high heaven. Just ask him out, Dude.  You won't be the first guy to dump a girl for her Dad.

Suddenly two robbers burst in, their faces covered, their voices disguised.  They force Owen to the bank vault.  Somehow they know about his vocal security bypass (he has to sing "She left me roses by the stairs.")  

Owen recognizes Billy's distinctive scent!  The robbers are his in-laws!  On the way out, they call Owen by name and toss him the ink-packet, blasting him with pink dye.  

Scene 8: While the police take statements, Owen remembers that he was bragging about being bank manager yesterday, and he told Lily the code!  Uh-oh, they will think he's in on the robbery.  Then Parker arrives -- with her parents.  

They tag along while Owen is interviewed by an FBI Agent.  Of course, he can't say anything with the two bank robbers right there. The Agent ask how they knew the access code.  Owen starts crying. 

Scene 9: On the way home, the Parent/Outlaws force Owen to sit between them.  He is terrified.  

At home, he showers, then calls his security guard bud Tyree for advice: "Don't do anything.  First, they'll kill you.  Second, you gave them the codes; you're the mastermind!"

Left: Pierce Brosnan's butt.

Next, he tries to tell his own parents, but they're clueless.  He suggests they do their speciality of asking highly invasive personal questions when they all have lunch. 

I'm out of room, so I'll stop there.

Beefcake: None.  But Owen talks about his penis a lot.  In case you haven't seen it lately, here's a close up.

Heterosexism: Owen and Parker smooch 30,000 times.  What do you expect in a rom-com caper?

Gay Characters: Maybe the Storage Guy.

 Reyn Doi appears in one scene, as the entertainment at the Scary Rich Lady's house.  Scary Lady explains that he is "like the Kanye of the former Soviet Bloc."  Not enough screen time to determine if the character is gay. 

Gay Subtext:   Big time, although the scene in the top photo is from another movie. Owen has quite a crush on Billy, even kissing him.  Billy backs away in surprise, and Owen explains: "Well, you kissed me when we first met," "Yes, but I didn't use tongue."  I wouldn't be surprised if Adam was actually playing Owen as bi.

My Grade: Simplistic plot, but the one-liners and physical comedy made the movie much funnier than I expected from the reviews. Adam Devine appears to be made of rubber, and he will do anything for a laugh.  It's like watching an old-time silent movie comedian like Buster Keaton. The gay subtext was a plus, but points off for the lack of overt LGBTQ representation.  B+.

See also: Bumper in Berlin

Why Him?: Adam Devine hooks up with Griffin Gluck over discussions of jizz

Workaholics Episode 5.5: Penis jokes and buddy bonding at a gay pride party

Friday, June 21, 2024

"The Boys": The top 12 guys with penises in the Amazon Prime superhero spoof, with some butts thrown in


I really don't want to review an episode of The Boys.  First, I heard it was homophobic, with a swishy gay villain, two bisexuals turned straight, "bury your gays" violence, and gay sex portrayed not only as disgusting and vile, but downright dangerous.

Second, Amazon keeps pushing it as the most amazing, remarkable, incredible tv series of all time, or rather the greatest artistic achievement of all time.  Forget Shakespeare and the Sistine Chapel -- future generations will fill libraries with analyses of why The Boys is so wonderful.  I hate that absurdly over-zealous hyperbole.

But viewers on Reddit are expressing horror, disgust, and dismay over the rampant male nudity.  Which I can understand -- if you're aiming your program at an audience of homophobic men, you shouldn't be surprised if they don't like to look at penises. 

But I like to look at penises, so do you mind if I post 12 of them instead of summarizing an episode?

1. The Boys features a team of corrupt vigilante superheroes led by Billy Butcher, played by Karl Urban, top photo.  He blames Homelander, #3 below, for the death of his wife.  Hey, the guy was in Bent.  Isn't that about gay men sent to concentration camps during the Holocaust?  Weird project for someone who's homophobic.

2.  Hughie, played by Jack Quaid, here covers his penis in a room full of lady BDSM tops. He has a dead girlfriend, so their cliche motives are equal.

3.Antony Starr as Homelander, the leader of the Seven, an even more corrupt superhero group.  He's one of the two guys who got straightwashed for tv.

4. Jesse Usher as A-Train, a member of the Seven, shows his underwear bulge.  Hey, I was promised a plethora of penises.  Could the homophobes mean just a bulge?

5. Chace Crawford as the Deep, another member of the Seven, shows his butt with his octopus-sex partner coiled around him.

6. The next seven people in the cast list are women, and the eighth is a young boy. It takes a lot of scrolling down to get to Matthew Edison, who appears as mortal journalist Cameron Coleman for ten episodes in Season 3.  Here he is tied up naked, with his butt sort of visible.

Maybe it's the one-shot swishy villains and bury-your-gays expendables that show their dicks.  I'll check them after the break.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Nude photos of Trench, Mr. Freeze, the Terminator, Conan the Barbarian, and an Austrian fitness model

Arnold needs no last name.  He almost single-handedly took bodybuilding out the realm of  Muscle Beach physical culturists and Italian sword-and-sandal movies and created the genre of Man-Mountains. His superlative physique and distinctive Austrian growl have been parodied innumerable times, on Saturday Night Live, on Seinfeld, on Tiny Toon Adventures).    It's hard to leave a room temporarily without being tempted to use his signature line from The Terminator, "I'll be back," or Terminator 2, "Come with me if you want to live."

Already a Mr. Universe and nearly a Mr. Olympia, the 21 year old Mr. Schwarzenegger moved to the United States in 1968 with his best friend Franco Columbu, to become an actor.  He posed for a lot of fitness magazines, including the gay-coded Tomorrow's Man.  In the 1970s he was the subject of more conventional semi-nude paintings by Jamie Wyeth.  

In the 1980s, photographs by Robert Mapplethorpe.

I had a friend in the 1980s whose bathroom featured what looked very much like a nude photo of Arnold, clipped from a fitness magazine.  It's not the black and white beach photo above, or the flexing photo that's available everywhere; this one was in color, and showed Arnold standing on a hillside.

Arnold's first starring role was in Hercules in New York (1969), which nobody saw.  His accent was so bad that his lines were dubbed.

He starred in Stay Hungry (1976), about a young man, drawn into the world of bodybuilding, and in The Jayne Mansfield Story (1980), asMansfield's muscular husband, Mickey Hargitay.

More Arnold after the break

Thursday, June 20, 2024

Adam's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 4: A sex party, a phallic symbol doobie, two birthdays, and a tight butthole


This is a collection of hot or humorous photos of Adam Devine.  I've already posted almost all of his dick and butt shots available, but not to worry, there are some dicks and butts of other guys. 

1. "Oh no, the wind blew over the sign.  Now how will guys know where the Blow Buddies party is?"

2. "Sorry to crop you out of the photo, Chloe, but it's the only way I can get profile views on Grindr."

3. "My friends try to kill me on my birthday."

4. Well, let them go down on you once in a while.

5. "No, this is not a phallic symbol.  Sometimes a doobie is just a doobie."

6. Although sometimes doobies can lead to phalluses.

More Adam after the break

Gemstones Episode 1.5: Baby Billy and Eli compete for Aimee-Leigh. Plus water sports and donkey dicks

Just moving this review into its proper sequence.

Previous: Episode 1.4, Continued: Dot drives Kelvin crazy, Keefe refuses a bj, and Gideon and Scotty date.  With a Daedalus dick bonus

Title: "Interlude."  The interludes, set halfway through each season, are designed to clarify the conflicts and back stories, and to keep you in suspense after a major crisis. Here we flash back to 1989. when Eli and Aimee-Leigh were rich but not mega-rich, Baby Billy was hoping for a come-back after his child-star career, and young Jesse was jealous of his soon-to-be-born brother Kelvin. 

A Hot Piece of Tail: 
 This is the golden age of televangelism, with Pat Robertson, Jimmy Swaggart, Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, and Jerry Falwell eating up the airwaves -- and blaming homa-sekshuls for everything from teen pregnancy to hurricanes/  They were especially eager to proclaim that homa-sekshuls were trying to destroy society by infecting straight people with AIDS.  In 1989, the number of new cases peaked at 80,000. 

Before the broadcast,  Aimee-Leigh walks around, being friendly to the crew.  Very diverse crew: -- old and young, black and white, women in jobs traditionally held by men, probably gay people.  She compliments Eli as "a hot piece of tail," and he agrees: "I'm sizzling hot."This seems a little gender-transgressive.  Men aren't typically referred to in this way.  Just before the curtain rises, Aimee-Leigh tells Eli, "I'm pregnant."  How playful, and borderline mean!

Family Dinner:  
Lots of gross closeups of 1980s food.  When Aimee-Leigh says that she has news to share, Jesse guesses that Judy has been put up for adoption, and she guesses that he has AIDS. In 1989 evangelicals -- and most of the general public -- thought that only gay men contracted AIDS, so she is "accusing" him of being gay. 

No, Aimee-Leigh says without disciplining them, she is actually having a baby. Jesse wishes that she has a miscarriage, again without discipline, then backtracks: : "I will never like them.  They will never be my friend."  This is a call-back to the Episode 1.1 scene where Jesse is upset with Kelvin because "we used to be friends."  

Judy hopes that it's a boy, so she can teach him how to pee standing up.  Is she accusing Jesse of being a woman?

The Misbehavin' Tour:
At the office, Baby Billy tells the Gemstones about his idea for a Misbehavin' Comeback Tour this spring.  But she can't do it: she is pregnant, due in July (in Season 2, Kelvin says that his birthday is near Christmas, but never mind).

Baby Billy insists that they go on the tour anyway, but she insists that she can't.  How about waiting until after the birth?  Nope.

Billy blames Eli for ruining his come-back: "You're the one who splashed all that sperm all over her."  This is a very odd way of describing heterosexual intercourse, more accurate for guys beat ing off.  Billy seems very jealous; does he wish that Eli had splashed sperm all over him?

The screenshot shows Baby Billy in pain, behind window slats that look like bars. He is trapped, unable to move beyond his child-star days, blaming Eli for ruining his life. In Season 3, Eli's other brother-in-law will blame him too, with more violent results.  

The Birthday Party: 
After scenes where Jesse is caught arranging little-kid fights and complains that his parents are never around, a we cut to Judy's birthday party.  Kids eating food in disgusting ways (a regular trope in this episode); riding a slip-and-slide; riding ponies.  

What Jesse is looking at after the break. Warning: Explicit.

Wednesday, June 19, 2024

My Fake Boyfriend: Entitled gay guy in a gay mecca can't find a boyfriend in spite of his huge cock


My Fake Boyfriend, on Amazon Prime: After Andrew is dumped, he concocts a plan to get even.  The "my" in the title suggests that Andrew has been dumped by a boyfriend, but you never know: I've been fooled before.  The icon shows a man, two women, and a male-male duo, so no help.  I'll have to watch to find out.

Opening credits: While a guy raps about how many women he has sex with, videos, pictures, and cartoon-character versions of the cast slide in and out of the screen at breakneck speed, from all directions, sometimes colliding with each other, along with multiple emojis and social media comments.  None stick around long enough to see clearly, but I think I can make out laughing, dancing, and hugging, men with women, men with men, trios, groups. 

Scene 1
: Two shirtless guys, black and white, both muscular but quite ugly, trying to dance in front of a tropical backdrop.  Ugly #1 berates Ugly #2 for his poor choreography, but Ugly #2 insists that it will be fine: a few mistakes make you seem real and get you more "likes" on your social media page.  

He then fills in his name: Andrew, played by Kenan Lonsdale.  It's actually spelled another way, but the i and y ar in such unexpected places that it's impossible to get right. Keiyinan?  Keyinan?  Keiyyinan?

Anyhow, here's a nude photo, according to ShyGuy22 -- Live Journal. It looks totally fake.  LeakedMeat also offers an "exclusive jerk-off video."  Photo after the break.

More about Ugly #2: He's a Stuntman working on the soap opera  Hampton Bay, the soap starring Ugly #1 (Nico, played by Marcus Rosner, left).

They have been hooking up on the down low, but now The Star wants to be monogamous and announce their love to the world.

Whoops, Stuntman sees The Star's phone.  Another guy is texting him!   "Dessert at my place? Eggplant emoji." Cheating already!  No, the Star claims that it's just a random fan having a fantasy.

Scene 2: At a fancy-healthy eatery, Stuntman complains to his buddy Jake.

Jake is played by Dylan Sprouse of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, not the twin who posted dick pics online.  It's impossible to find any shirtless pics of this guy except for "before and after" illustrations in articles that gush "look, Dylan was a pile of disgusting flab, and now he's the hottest stud in the universe!"  Actually, I can't tell the difference.  Which is supposed to be "before"?

Back to the movie: the close friends who have known each other for years decide that this is a good time to answer the question "what do you do?"  We already know about the Stuntman .   Buddy Jake is an award-winning graphic designer relegated to grunt work.  

Buddy Jake has been watching the show, and reveals a "tell" so the Stuntman will know when the Star is lying.  We see it during a montage: "I didn't send anyone a dick pic";   "Got to go meet my personal trainer at 2:00 am."  "I didn't fart."

Just as the guys' quinoa-arugula wraps arrive, their third friend (Sarah Hyland of Modern Family) bursts in and kisses Buddy Jake.  So Andrew has only straight friends? So much for gay community.

The straight couple lays down the law:   "Nico keeps cheating, and you keep going back to him.  Dump him, or we'll unleash the nuclear option.  No more Nico!"

Scene 3: As days pass, Stuntman continually recites "No more Nico!" at the gym, on the set, while painting his apartment.  But when the Star invites him over for a hookup, he accepts.

Buddy Jake imprisons him in his apartment to keep him from backsliding, but the Stuntman tricks him into playing chess with an inscrutable Asian stereotype.  While they are playing, he rushes over for the hookup and rushes back. 

Scene 4:  On the set, choreographing a fight, Stuntman tells his opponent that the Star has changed.  She doesn't buy it: he's "hot garbage."  

The director interrupts them: it's time to shoot the scene.  This time Stuntman is kicked through a window -- to a room where the Star and Troy, the guy he is stunting for, are kissing!  

Angry, Stuntman tracks down Buddy Jake and his girlfriend or wife, who has not yet been named (IMDB calls her Kelly).   Buddy Jake suggests "Let's go suck some dicks."  So Jake is bi, and the girlfriend/wife doesn't expect monogamy.  Why should Stuntman?

They head to a gay bar in the Village.  Buddy Jake points out the bears, twinks, daddies, and otters.  A very inclusive establishment!  Stuntman doesn't like it. Next up: a leather disco. Stuntman doesn't like this one, either.  Then a cowboy bar on Christopher Street with no dancing. Wait -- this is a 30-year old gay guy who grew up in New York, and he has never been to a gay bar?  

"It's hard to find a boyfriend in New York," he moans.  Are you kidding?  Try some gay political, social, or religious groups.  Join the Gay Man's Chorus.  Join the Gay Gardening Club.  Or is this the standard movie gay community, where only gay bars exist?      

Scene 5:   Buddy Jake announces a new plan: he signs them onto a dating app as a couple looking for a third.  Then, when they meet the guy, they can "break up," leaving him for Andrew. 

They immediately get a "ping" from Leo, who's only 20 feet away, so they chat for a moment, and then Buddy Jake pretends to break up with Stuntman.  I wouldn't be into a hookup with someone who just got dumped.

Leo to be a fruity sort who orders a vieux carrĂ© in a cowboy bar.  He also criticizes bi guys, Stuntman's profile pic, and his t-shirt ("Unicorns are fake.  God is real.")   Then he accuses Stuntman of using a date rape drug, and starts screaming.  Apparently this is a common act; the bartender (Matt Willis) kicks him out, then starts flirting with Stuntman.  He's not too bright, but he has a physique, so they decide to hook up.  He can just leave his job anytime he wants? 

Scene 6:
 But when the get back to the apartment, Stuntman freaks out and hides in the bathroom.  There's a muscular guy with a gigantic bulge waiting for you to go down on him. What is the problem?  Do you have residual guilt from growing up in a fundamentalist church?

Buddy Jake, who has him under surveillance, calls, annoyed: "Just get in there and beat it off." "Why would I beat him up?"  Bartender overhears and thinks that Stuntman likes fetish-wrestling, and won't listen when he says no.  Stuntman is forced to defend himself.  

More after the break, including Entitled Guy's dick