Erik Hesse: Immensely hot Short Guy from Reading, PA, with bad fashion taste, a job hugging athletes, and an eight inch tripod

 The celebrity penis site posted a video, reputedly of ice hockey player Blake E. in the locker room, shoving his semi at his teammates.  Very impressive, and sort of homoerotic.  So I researched him.

No social media presence, just his stats: Born 1998 in Macomb, Michigan, 5'9", 181 lbs, a hockey player for the Royals in Reading, Pennsylvania (the one with the railroad in Monopoly).

The cocksman in the video looks nothing like the real Blake E.  I think he was identified as a prank.  

But who is the hunky short guy with the farmboy innocence and a 1950s haircut?  If Blake is 5'9", he must be 5'8".  Forget the five feet, let's talk about the eight inches.

He's journalist Erik J.  I don't like to give the last names of non-actors, but it's German, for an inhabitant of Jesburg, Hesse.  So I'll call him Erik Hesse. 

Erik grew up in Lansdale, Pennsylvania, a commuter town about 25 miles from Philadelphia. In high school, he played baseball until an injury forced him off the team.  He was also a sports reporter for the Knight-Crier. 

He attended Temple University in Philadelphia, graduating a year early, in 2023,  with a BA in Media Studies and Production.

Left: Temple University Campus Recreation.  Do you choose one, or take all four, or...

While at university, Erik worked as a server at the Texas Roadhouse and an anchor for OwlSports.

Left: I couldn't find any Temple students in my files, so here's one from Ursinus. 

More after the break

The shirtless parking valets: A shock of joy on "Suburgatory" on the night before Thanksgiving. With Mohr and Parker butts and a lot of bare chests

When I was growing up, you almost never saw a bare chest on tv.  On the rare occasions when it happened -- Denny Miller surfs to Gilligan's Island, Ponch and Jon hit the beach on CHIPS, Kevin poses for an art class on Mr. Belvedere -- you felt an intense, palpable joy.  Not desire so much as understanding.  This is it, what we were made for. Beauty.  Truth.  The Eternal Masculine. 

With the advent of cable and then streaming tv, nearly every actor took off his shirt frequently, and some even put their butts and cocks on display.  And of course we can go online and see 100 naked men before breakfast. When you see it all the time, that shock of joy vanishes.  

But it returned on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011, the night before Thanksgiving, when Suburgatory aired Episode 1.8, "Thanksgiving."

Suburgatory (2011-14) starred Jeremy Sisto (left, showing his sausage) as George Altman, an architect who moves his teenage daughter Tessa (Jane Levy) from Manhattan to Chatswin, Connecticut.  She is not pleased, but she tries to find some semblance of cool amid the Mean Girls, Dumb Jocks, and Ladies Who Lunch.

It was not our favorite show -- mostly women in the cast, a lot of heterosexism, and some low-key gay stereotyping -- but it aired between The Middle and Modern Family, so we had no choice.

Left: George's butt.

In Episode 1.8, it's Thanksgiving in Chatswin, and Tessa is upset because Dad George has rejected their traditional Manhattan activities for dinner with the ultra-rich Dallas Royce.  In the B Plot, Tessa's friend Lisa is upset because her middle-class Mom, Sheila Shay, insists that she wear a "Puritan dress" to their Thanksgiving Dinner.

 When Tessa and Dad George arrive at the Royce mansion, they see shirtless valets parking the guests' cars.  

Whoa, that shock of joy came rushing back!  

Maybe because it was so unexpected.  Who hires shirtless valets?  Especially at Thanksgiving, when it's in the 30s and 40s out?  And there are twelve people at that party. Why do they need four valets?  

Director Alex Hardcastle was not even trying to be realistic. He presented us with a vision of masculine beauty to counterbalance the feminine vibe of the rest of the episode (spoiler alert: Tessa's friend Lisa spends about ten minutes of air time naked, in protest of that Puritan dress). 

The first Indian Valet vanishes immediately, but when George's friend Noah hands his car keys to the second, we get a bare chest and shoulders close-up.  He looks like a college athlete.

He disappears, but as Noah walks toward the door, we see the two Pilgrim valets, one extremely muscular, the other a rather thin twink.  No closeups, but they are visible for several seconds, organizing the various parking slips.

Later we get quick glimpses of the two Indian Valets at the Royce table,  so they must be Royce relatives co-opted for the job.  The Pilgrim Valets are visible at the middle class Shay table, so presumably they were hired. 

But who are the actors?  In 2011 I let the scene slip into memory, but last night I saw it again during a rewatch. With15 years of experience on this website, Nysocboy's Beefcake and Bonding, and Tales of West Hollywood,  I was equipped to research their other acting roles,  look for nude photos, and check their social media to see if they are gay. 

More after the break.

"Slow Horses," Season 6: Gay Lenny Rush flirts with a hunky hacker and a slow horse spy. With Oldman and King Lear cock

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Alex Sampson: How does a 22-year old singer/bodybulder bring back West Hollywood memories?. With modern singer cocks

 

Someone named Alex Sampson appeared on the teen idol site with a dozen flexing muscle photos.

Whoa.

I need a hero -- I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be hung
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight

--"Holding Out for a Hero" (1984)

Sampson or Samson is a traditional name for a muscleman.

I'm living in the forest of my dream
I know the night is not the way it seems. I must believe in something, so I'll make myself believe that this night will never go

-- "Self Control" (1984)

So who is Alex Sampson?  His tattoo says "The True North, strong and free," so he's Canadian. 

There's nothin' left to talk about
Unless it's horizontally:

Let's get physical, physical

Let me hear your body talk.

-- "Physical" (1981)

And gay, or at least open to gay fans.  An Instagram follower says, "No shirtless gym pics!"  Alex responds, "There are people here, Dave."  

People, not women.  He's aware that gay men are looking at his muscles. 

They say they have to see his real personality
That's alright for them, but  it ain't enough for me
I need what the eyes can see: his anatomy.

I want muscles.

-- "Muscles" (1982)

We've established that you've got muscles, you're Canadian, you heart Korea, and you're gay or gay-positive.  Have you done anything else, like..acting?

Whoops, he's just a singer.  I don't usually profile singers, since I don't listen to music much -- it's too distracting for background noise while doing anything else, except maybe housework and the treadmill at the gym, and then I listen to the songs that were popular during my years in the gay mecca, West Hollywood.  

But how can profiling a guy born in 2004 bring back memories of the 1980s?

Alex was born on January 20th, 2004, in Atikokan, northwestern Ontario, the "canoe capital of Canada."  Very isolated, 2 1/2 hours from Thunder Bay. 

People always told me, 

Be careful what you do, 

Don't go around breakin' young men's hearts.
And Mama always told me,

Be careful who you love,

Be careful who you love...
-- "Billie Jean" (1983)

He knew that he wanted to become a singer from elementary school, when he sang "Gold" by Owl City at a talent show. 

Never heard of them, but the lead singer is Adam Young, left (if it's the right one).  

Maybe he sings off key, but that's alright with me.
'Cause what he does, he does so well,
Makes me wanna yell,
Let's hear it for the boy

-- "Let's Hear it for the Boy" (1984)

He began posting covers on TikTok, and released his first original song in 2019. Several others followed.  In 2023 he signed on with Warner Records, and released several singles.  He was named one of People Magazine's Emerging Artists of the year.

More after the break