Adam Devine's divine dick

The Righteous Gemstones is known for its cock shots, but none come from the main cast, so all we have seen of Kelvin (Adam DeVine) to date is his physique, bulge, and butt.  

That's enough for some people, some hum-drum everyday people, but most of us want the Full Monty.

At this writing, Kelvin failed to show us his woodpecker in Seasons 1-3, but Season 4 is coming up, so there's still a chance.  Until then, we can see Devine dick in two movies:

Jexi (2019) features Adam as a life coach whose cell phone becomes sentient and tries to control his life, including sending dick pics to everyone he knows.

He confirmed that it is him, not a stunt cock.

In an interview, he stated that when fans say "I liked your movie," they are talking about his acting.  When they say "I really, really, really liked your movie," they are talking about his cock.

More after the break

Adam Devine's House Party Episode 1.3: A bisexual foam orgy is promised

 Adam Devine's House Party (2013-2016) appeared simultaneously with Workaholics -- apparently  Comedy Central though that their viewers would watch anything with Adam Devine.  And maybe they were right.

Adam plays "himself" (with his usual goofball persona) hosting a party in a gigantic mansion.  He strikes out with girls a lot. Some of the guests play themselves, and others play fictional characters.  Comedians drop by and riff.  There are scripted plots.  In the first season, it's about 70% comedy sets, 30% plot.   You'll be reminded of the sitcom-standup mesh of The Larry Sanders Show a little bit, but it's really for fans of Adam's unique brand of self-referential comedy.   

I reviewed Episode 1.3, "Foam Party," because Adam is trying to get a foam-based orgy started, and because one of the fictional characters, Steve, is played by Tony Cavalero.  As far as I can tell, this is the first time the two worked together, six years before Kelvin and Keefe. 

Scene 1: Adam charging admission.  His parties are usually free, but today he's got a foam machine, so there's going to be a redunk orgy, no one with crabs allowed. A guy in the back yells at him. So Adam is planning to have sex with girls and guys both?  He invites the ladies to take off their panties,  and dudes, if they're wearing panties. 

Scene 2: People drinking, getting high. Ron Funches brought a rhubarb pie, but it's frozen solid. 

Scene 3: Ron Funches riffs on moving to Oregon and trying new things, like iced coffee,  white women, and bad rap: "If you can rhyme titties with titties, I'm a buy your album."  Ok, it's heterosexist, I'm fast-forwarding.

Scene 4: Steve (Tony Cavalero) looks embarrassed that the girl he's with, Ariel,  is drunk. He wants to leave, and tries to pull her away, but Adam intercedes: "We don't treat women like that. You're out."

Steve says "F*k you."  Preparing to fight, Adam kisses his fists; "He's warm. He's ready." 

As Adam makes martial arts moves, Steve says "You're weird!" and leaves. His girl remains.  "I'm king of the party!" Adam exclaims.  "Let's get naked!"   We see his bare chest and pixilated bottom parts.  

Scene 5:  Before anyone else can get naked, the lights go off!  No problem: Adam gives everyone glow sticks.  But now the foam machine is not emitting enough for an orgy.  

He tells the PA Guy (Steven Bailey) to fix it, but not to check the fuse box (Adam doesn't believe that fuse boxes exist).  He has to go to the basement and crank a hand generator.

Steven Bailey starred with Adam in Pitch Perfect, and wrote or starred in many episodes of House Party and Workaholics

Scene 6: Drennan Davis performs a rap song. "So many girls/wanna take them back to my room/ we hit the sack/ but first we be drinking, yo."  Fast-forward.

Scene 7: As the PA Guy cranks, Adam flirts with Ariel, Steve's girl. "If you were a mermaid, I'd still want to have sex with you, even though you'd be half fish, and that's bestiality."  Good point.

Scene 8: Brent Morin (the one with the bulge) talks about unsuccessfully trying to be cool: "Like, I'll be at a party, I'll see a pretty  girl, and...(fast forward)..."I met Bradley Cooper once.  Super hot...why did I say hot?  Whatever, I'm not gay, I'm not gay."  Having to specify so people don't get the wrong idea and look down on you?  Not cool, dude. 

Scene 9: No foam, and no lights: everyone is leaving.  Brent and Drennan (two of the comedians) want their money back: they're going to a better foam party at Jeff Ross's house.  A running gag in Season 1 has the guests leaving Adam's party for Jeff Ross's.

Adam sits beside the pile of foam with Ariel.  Just as he is about to kiss her, the PA Guy gives up the hand crank and flips the fuse box.  The lights go on. 

Ariel's boyfriend Steve returns; she rushes into his arms.  "Thank God you're here.  I thought this guy was going to rape me." Fickle, isn't she?

"No, it was consensual.  If it was consensual, I'd be down."  He winks at Steve. So you'd be down to have sex with Steve?

Steve challenges him: "Come rape me!"

"Ok, I'll rape you -- with my fists!"  You know that fisting is a sexual act, right?  "And with my knees!"Then the foam machine comes on and knocks him to the floor.  Steve drags his girlfriend off.  Adam gets foam in his eyes.  The end.

Beefcake: Just Adam's chest shot.

Heterosexism: Two of the three comedians are stultifyingly heterosexist, and the third builds his set on anxiety on being mistaken for gay.

Gay Subtexts: Although he only mentions hooking up with hot girls, Adam appears to anticipate a bisexual foam orgy.  

Fighting as a substitute for sex is a common trope in literature and film (note how straight guys often punch each other to display affection).  Here it comes close to the surface, with Adam's "I'd be down" and wink, and Steve's facetious suggestion that Adam rape him instead of beat him up. 

My Grade: Adam is thoroughly unpleasant, belittling ,demanding, and imperious, as well as dumb as a fence post.  We see some glimmers of this aspect of his persona in his other characters -- Kelvin became a tyrant with the God Squad in Righteous Gemstones Season 2 -- but it is offset by some essential goodness, vulnerability, or at least politeness. Just having someone who loves him around gives viewers the impression that he can't be all jerk.  But here the jerk rules.  Nobody at the party seems to like him at all.  And the heterosexism is rampant.  D

See also: Adam Devine's House Party, Episode 3.1: Adam marries a dude. And it's not Tony Cavlero.

Sons of Anarchy Episode 5.5: Trans Walton Goggins, a motorcycle club, BDSM, and three nude men

I've been checking out tv series featuring Gemstone alums for homophobic bias, and Walton Goggins (Baby Billy) playing a trans prostitute got a scathing review: "an offensive stereotype"; "a grossly overblown caricature"; "a throwback to the blackmail him because he's gay and it's disgusting" storylines; "Throw us under the bus for cheap laughs."  Also, "Walter Groggin isn't even a good-looking man."  Well, that's a matter of opinion

So I fast forwarded through Episode 5.5, "Orca Shrugged," past innumerable bloody shootings, men having anal sex with naked ladies, and a single shirtless guy (I don't know who he is) to Venus Van Dam's first appearance.

The Premise: The Sons of Anarchy motorcycle club is involved in a number of illegal activities, but new boss Jax Teller (Charlie Hunnan), son of the original leaders, gets a new business scheme: blackmail.  One of his henchmen drugs the obese insurance guy Allen (Brad Grunberg) -- the Orca of the title.

 Scene 1: The guys have Allen unconscious, tied up, in a BDSM outfit.  Venus Van Dam arrives, hired to have sex with him, showing both her boobs and her cock, so they can film it and blackmail him later.  

She flirts with all of guys, but when Jax offers to help her put on her dominatrix costume, she refuses. 

 

Scene 2: We see girl boobs and butt while Venus is riding Allen.  

Suddenly Devin (Marshall Allman), his stepson, bursts in and wants to know what's happening.  "You guys drug him or something?"  He is delighted: "Wow -- you guys are totally blackmailing him!"  

He wants to take some photos to blackmail Allen himself, but the gang won't allow it.

Venus asks how old he is.  "21."  "I like them young and sweet," she says, going in for a flirtation. Devin catches on that she's trans immediately: "Dude, you're like,  a dude."  He seems more intrigued than disgusted. 

 "Didn't your Daddy tell you to not judge a book by its penis?" Venus asks. "Have you ever had your dick sucked by a Southern girl with a huge cock?" 

Grinning, Devin considers a hookup.  The other guys encourage him: "Doesn't mean you're gay. We;ve all been there."  So they've all purchased her services?

They go into the next room to do it.  Whoops, Venus puts a blindfold on him, and brings her camera.  They're going to blackmail the boy, too!  They must have thought of this scheme on the spot.

By the way, Marshall Allman is about the cutest guy to ever accept a blow job.  Want to see his butt?

How about a pixilated dick?

Scene 3: The guys are dressing Allen/Orca.  He won't remember anything when he awakens.  

Venus returns from giving Stepson Devin a blow job, and hands over the camera evidence for blackmail use.  

Devin comes out, grinning, and relates that it was "intense."  Jax tells him not to reveal their blackmail scheme, or pictures of the blow job will show up all over his social media.  "But I would never rat on you guys.  I think the motorcycle club is awesome. I'd like to hang out with you guys sometime."  Maybe next time the guys can do each other, while Venus watches.

They invite him to hang out at the club, and he leaves  (This is his only appearance on Sons of Anarchy, so the "hang" offer never materialized.) Jax thanks Venus for her help.  "Whenever you need a little Venus love, give me a call." She kisses Jax on the lips and leaves. 

Uh-oh, Allen/Orca wakes up and bites Tigs (Kim Coates) on the butt!  They subdue him.  "Why does this always happen to me?" Tigs groans.  Maybe you should ask if they're into rimming before putting your butt in their face. 

As long as we're showing butts, here's Kim Coates'.

And Charlie Hunnan's.

This is Allen's only appearance on Sons of Anarchy, so apparently his identity is unimportant.  He is simply illustrating Jax's new blackmailing business.

Analysis: The trans hooker is an old cliche, of course, and using Venus specifically for the blackmail suggests that Allen is transphobic.  But he has been characterized as a jerk, so it's understandable.  The Motorcycle Club members  themselves are not transphobic in the least. They have all either been with Venus, or are fine with other guys going with her.  There is no fear of deception or big reveal; everyone appears to know that she is trans right away.

What about her huge cock?  Many trans women do not get bottom surgery: they can't afford it, it's too invasive, or they don't see the need.  Beside, a lot of guys like that.

In later episodes, we learn about Venus's painful growing up in a transphobic household.  The motorcycle guys help rescue her son from his abusive mother, and she helps them find the wife and children of a slain motorcycle guy. She starts a romantic relationship with Tigs that lasts all through the end of the series, with neither of them dying. 

Of course, it would be preferable to have a trans actor play a trans character, but other than the casting issue, I don't see a problem.  

See also: Workaholics Episode 3.15, which uses the same gay sex (or sex with someone with a penis) humiliation routine.

Brock Cock Part 2: Brock O'Hurn plays Torsten, Zeus, Hulk Hogan, and Super Hot Warrior Man, with that famous frontal

Here are ten more hot/hung Brock Cock photos.

Remember that in Righteous Gemstones Season 2, Kelvin's God Squad had to work out with wooden weights, for some reason?  Brock says that the guys worked out with them for real, to get swole before a shoot.

"I've never had so much fun making art."  Did they give him a car?

A wardrobe and bulge test for his role as the young Hulk Hogan in Young Rock.  How did they get him to look so small?

Reading in the sauna. 

Zeus, king of the Gods

More Brock after the break

Joe Jonas: The World's Most Famous Christian, flirting with Keefe and showing a bulge

 

Joe Jonas, "the world's most famous Christian" (sorry, Pope Francis), was an ideal celebrity guest star on The Righteous Gemstones  In Episode 2.2, he appears at a party held by the Lissons, the Texas megachurch pastors who are trying to woo Jesse and Amber into investing in a new Christian-themed resort.  

He returns in Episode 2.9, a guest at the ground-breaking party.  He and Keefe have a "charged moment" when they both reach for the port-a-potty handle at the same time, and touch hands.

It is unintentional, of course -- Keefe's fault for watching the hot guy who just vacated the port-a-potty instead of paying attention.  But the guys do look and act as if they are shyly flirting as they wait outside for Tiffany to have her baby. Wouldn't they start getting desperate after awhile?  

They both have other partners, but who cares?  It's just an innocent flirtation.

This photo does not appear in the scene, but Cavalero is still in character.  

In my headcanon, the two become friends.  I have stories about Jonas fixing him Keefe with his publicist (when Kelvin and Keefe aren't official yet), and with Elmo the Muppet (during the breakup):

Keefe's date with Joe Jonas: A Kelvin/Keefe romance

Jonas, the son of an Assemblies of God minister, rose to fame as the lead singer of the Jonas Brothers band.  Their series of top charting albums in the 2000s led him to roles in several teencoms, like  Hannah Montana, Camp Rock, and Sonny with a Chance,  as well as many reality shows featuring his brothers.  In the 2020s, he continues to perform and release new albums, alone or with his brothers.