Gemstones Episode 3.2: Kelvin's butt buddies, gay Percy, two toxic families, and some military dicks

Previous: Episode 3.1, Continued: Kelvin withholds sex, Judy cheats and Jesse fights, with some random butts

Episode 3.2 introduces Eli's estranged brother-in-law Peter Montgomery, his sons, and a disturbing super-macho mirror of Kelvin's God Squad.

Title: "But Esau Ran to Meet Him," from Genesis 33.4.  Jacob has tricked his father Isaac into giving him the inheritance.  Esau is furious and vows to kill him, so he flees.  When he returns after 20 years, Esau behaves as if he is happy to see him, but....

Stephen's abusive wife:  Stephen, who was fired as Judy's guitarist after her brothers discovered their affair, is trying to tell his wife Kristy that he was "laid off," not fired.  She doesn't buy it.  It's a highly abusive relationship: she calls him "an unemployed, cokehead piece of shit who sulks all day."  He screams "Fuck you!", and she hits him with a glass blender.  Shattered glass all over his face and head, in front of the kids!  Whoa, scary.  The Gemstones and their partners argue, but they never use abusive language or physical violence.  Except for the time that Amber shot Jesse in the butt. 

Later, Judy meets Stephen at Spanky's Cafe, a real restaurant in North Charleston, and offers him $10,000 to leave her alone: "I don't want to see you no' mo'."  But he still wants her.  Judy points out that he's married, but it doesn't matter: "I'd leave my family in a second if I could have you.  I'd murder them." Say what?  This guy is a psycho. Of course, he should leave his abusive wife, but murder her...and the kids?

Kelvin's Butt Buddies:  Jesse and Amber's adult son Gideon, who moved to California to become a stuntman, is back, lying on the veranda in a bathrobe, smoking a cigarette, holding a box of Lucky Charms cereal, and sulking.  The background song by Buddy Knox tells us: "I think I'm going to kill myself."  He injured his neck, and may never do stunt work, tumbling, or martial arts again.  At least he's displaying a nice chest.

Background alert: Skyler Gisondo injured his neck in real life in 2022, when his hair stylist gave him a "little neck massage."  They wrote his injury into the script.

In a much, much nicer parallel to the Stephen-Kristy confrontation, Gideon's parents order him to stop feeling sorry for himself, get off his butt, and go to work for the church.  But he doesn't want to preach.  Ok, so he can become Eli's driver. Remember that the long-term driver, Walker, was fired.

We cut to Gideon on his first assignment, driving Eli and the siblings to see if May-May's kids are ok.  They are living with her estranged husband, Peter Montgomery, and his militia, the Brotherhood of Tomorrow's Fires: they expect end of civilization, like Eli's Y2K scare back in 1999.   Eli calles them preppers: "They want to make sure they don't run out of toilet paper."

Usually Evangelicals believe in the Rapture, when Jesus zaps everyone who is saved to Heaven, leaving the unsaved to suffer through seven years of the dystopian Tribulation before being sent to hell.  To this day, I will not let anyone stamp my hand for re-entry into an event, because  the Mark of the Beast was drummed into my head.  But Eli and Peter apparently have a different belief system.

On the way to the compound, at the defunct Boy Scout Camp Wooden Feather, the siblings discuss their cousins, Karl and Chuck.  Kelvin says that he always found them "kind of dumb and strange."  But you haven't seen them since 2000, when you were ten or eleven.  How much do you remember?

Judy: "That's why I'm surprised you weren't butt buddies with them."  

He gets annoyed, not because she alludes to him being gay but because she implied that he's also "dumb and strange," and therefore perfect for the Montgomerys.

Not the God Squad:  Bizarre signs like "Now we will see" greet the family, along with multiple armed guards.  They pass Jacob (Stephen Louis Grush) cutting up a deer.  Kelvin smiles at him -- think he's hot, buddy?.  Then a military-style obstacle course;  guys practicing martial arts; a guy taking a shower outdoors (no beefcake); and finally the mess hall, where about thirty militia men are having lunch.

Wait -- no women and children?  The actual far-right militia movement has many female participants, but this is a male-only space, like Kelvin's God Squad in Season 2, but with scruffy guys in military fatigues instead of flexing musclemen.  It is dedicated to phileo instead of eros, buddy-bonding instead of homoerotic desire. An article on Doomsday Preppers notes that these male-only groups "cultivate a dangerous vision of apocalyptic manhood that consummates a fantasy of national virility in the demise of feminine society."  Women are weak and fragile, their civilization doomed. Only the "manly love of comrades" can survive the Apocalypse. 

May-May's son Chuck ushers Eli and the siblings in. They are greeted by Cousin Karl (Robert Oberst), who is delighted to see them; and Uncle Peter (Steve Zahn, below), who is not.  It's time for church, so get out!  No, the siblings offer to help lead the service: Jesse will preach, Judy will sing, and Kelvin will  perform some "feats of strength" for the kids -- the only time he references his muscles during the season.  No kids around, but maybe the militia guys would like to see some masculine beauty.   

Uncle Peter rejects the siblings' offer.  They are "phony fakers," entertainers, interested in making money rather than saving souls. 

More military guys after the break

Kelvin and Keefe, Matchmakers: A Cousin Karl Story

As Kelvin waited for Percy at one of the little blue tables outside the Lost Dog Cafe, he couldn't help flashing back to the first time they met, when Jesse hired him to design the church's executive board room.  Kelvin wasn't out to anyone yet, not even to himself, really, and seeing the flashy, unapologetic, loud-and-proud interior designer was a revelation. Percy became his best friend, and his go-to guy for anything about gay history and culture, from the Stonewall Riots to GLAAD Awards.  But today Kelvin had a different kind of request.  He wasn't sure that a guy who came out at age ten could understand.

They chatted about ordinary things, rated a few bulges, and then Kelvin got down to business. "Percy, I had an ulterior motive in inviting you to lunch today.  Remember my Cousin Karl?  You met him at the wedding reception."

"Big guy, black beard, baby face, smile that lights up the whole state?  Sure, he's hard to miss."

"He came out to Keefe and I last night."  

"Wait -- out as gay? Isn't he over 30?"

"36.  But don't look so surprised.  I was 34 when I figured it out, remember, and Karl has been even more sheltered than me.  He's known for a long time, but he thought it was just him.  He didn't know that 'gay' was a thing until he saw Keefe and I kissing one night."

"He's got a lot of catching up to do."

"Karl wants a boyfriend, but he's so soft and sweet, a little kid, really, that we don't trust him on Grindr, or Gay Christian Mingle .  And you're like the gay expert of South Carolina. You belong to every club, you know everybody, and so..."

"So you want me to play matchmaker?  Sure, glad to do it.  Off the top of my head, I can think of four or five candidates.  Let's start with Brett.  He goes to my gym -- built like a bodybuilder, chest for days! He'll be able to appreciate Karl's muscles."

First Date: The Bodybuilder

 Keefe and Kelvin were sitting on the couch in the parlor, kissing, when Percy and Karl’s date knocked on the door.  The Bodybuilder shook their hands (Kelvin forgot his name almost immediately), and Percy tried to hug them both while balancing a large white box.  "I brought tiramisu for dessert. I hope it fits with the menu.  What are we having?"

"We don't know.  Cousin Karl is cooking, and he won't let anyone in the kitchen."

"Tiramisu fits with anything, though," Keefe said.  "I'll bring it in to him." He took the box from Percy's hands and headed back into the house.

More after the break

A Perfect Southern Gentleman: A Cousin Karl and Percy Romance. Chapter 2: The KOKK House

 

This is the second chapter of  A Perfect Southern Gentleman: A Cousin Karl and Percy Romance

Karl and Percy sat on the love seat in the master bedroom, drinking sparkling grape juice from wine glasses and kissing. Karl was fully aroused, an enormous tent in his pants. Percy resisted the urge to get on his knees -- not yet. He wanted this night to last.

"Ready?" he asked.

"Yessir. I think I been ready since the first time I saw you."

They stood and faced each other. Karl started to undress. "No, let me do that," Percy whispered. He carefully unbuttoned his own shirt, revealing his slight but firm chest and belly, Then Karl's shirt. Massive pecs, enormous arms, a mountain-man's belly. 

More after the break

A Perfect Southern Gentleman: A Cousin Karl and Percy Romance. Chapter 1: Keefe's Secret

 

Percy really wasn't paying attention to the movie. Not only had he seen Victor/Victoria like six times, he was too conscious of Karl Montgomery sitting beside him, his massive arm pressed against him, his hand occasionally reaching across Percy's lap to grab some popcorn. It was incredibly exciting, but also comforting. It felt like home.

They only met three weeks ago, when his bff Kelvin Gemstone told him that Cousin Karl had just come out -- at age 43 -- and wanted Percy to play matchmaker. He found three "perfect" matches -- a bodybuilder to match Karl's Strong Man awards, a musician to match the Kentucky bluegrass that he played at the Pour House every Friday night, and a carpenter to match his job in landscaping, But Karl didn't want any of them -- he wanted Percy!

Kelvin sat on his other side, next to his partner Keefe. That was amazing, too -- back when they first met, when Percy was hired to design the new executive board room at the Gemstone Salvation Center,  the poor guy couldn't even acknowledge that he was gay. He pretended that his boyfriend was "just a good buddy"; God forbid that they ever appear together in public. Now, three years later, he was happy to be seen on a double date!

When the movie ended, they strolled through Charleston's French Quarter, past the Lowcountry Art Gallery, The Bakehouse, Sweetgrass Baskets, little gay-owned boutiques and quirky restaurants,  toward their cars in the Queen Street Lot. Heads turned to look at Kelvin, and one guy asked for a selfie-- he was famous, after all, one of the few out gay evangelical ministers in the country.  But maybe they were looking at Karl -- 6'7", 375 pounds, with a long black beard framing a baby face and a smile that could light up the whole state, a macho woodsman holding hands with a skinny, femme interior designer.

"Hey, y'all want to stop at Magnolia's for some pecan pie?" Percy called ahead.

Kelvin turned back. "There's dessert back at the house, if you're up for it. Our housekeeper Martiza made an Albanian walnut-honey cake. What did she call it, Keefe?"

"Shendetlie, I think."

"You know I have a sweet tooth," Percy said. "I'm up for it if Karl is."

"Sounds cool," Karl said. "But...um...Cousin Keefe, can I talk to you?" He rushed ahead and took Keefe's arm. Kelvin hung back.

"How are things going with Karl?" he asked. "What date is this? Your sixth or seventh?"

"If you count ice cream the first night, church twice, the bluegrass concert, game night at your place, and dinner with his Mama, seven.  But I also helped him with Fun Day at the Gemstone Amusement Park, and we've hung out at my apartment -- well, we've been together almost every day."

"But you haven't been intimate yet?"

"Does that surprise you, Kelvin?  Didn't you and Keefe wait like two years?"

"But I didn't even know that I was gay yet. You've been out since age 10."

Percy took Kelvin's arm. "That's part of his charm.  He's a perfect Southern gentleman.  He brings me flowers, and holds the door open for me, and treats me..."

"Like a lady?"

"Well, he doesn't have any role models for gay relationships, except for you guys, and that's exactly how you treat Keefe."

Kelvin laughed.  "Really?  I never noticed." 

"Don't get me wrong --  I would love to see Karl naked. But for some reason I'm not in a hurry. Just sitting on the couch with his arm around me -- I've never felt so warm and safe, and...well, loved."

"I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way about Keefe. The sex is great, but it's seeing him smile that makes my day." He paused. "I thought it would be weird for you and Karl. You're so different."

More after the break.

"Where you go, I will go": A Kelvin/Keefe romance

 

Kelvin stood in the South Corridor, facing Keefe, holding both his hands. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to," he said. "If it's too much, nobody will care. It can just be Judy and BJ."

"No, Brother," Keefe told him. "I want to." Still calling me Brother! Kelvin noted with a smile.

He heard Judy and BJ giggling on the other side of the hall. Everything was so easy for straight people! You go on a date, you kiss, you go upstairs and have sex. Easy.  You walk hand in hand without worrying about being attacked. You announce your engagement, and no one yells that you're destroying society. When you are gay, and Christian, and a Gemstone, everything is hard. It took a life-or-death crisis to say "I love you." The first time they held hands was an emotional triumph. And this might not necessarily be a joyous occasion. 

"I want to do this, too," Kelvin said, so loud that the security guard at the south entrance stared. "I don't think I've wanted anything more."

"Showtime!" Jesse exclaimed, pointing toward the sanctuary. One last kiss, and Kelvin took his place just behind Jesse, on his right side. Judy walked on his left side. The partners followed a few steps behind. Ushers would guide them to their marks, stage left and stage right.

They walked onto the main stage, smiling, waving, as if they were about to perform a song. The congregation rose and applauded. If they looked at their program, they would see "Commitment Ceremony," but nothing else. Would they think he was marrying his sister?

He looked around. Quadruple security. Photographers at the ready. Dang it, did Jesse call the press? No picketers in the back, no one snarling, ready to pull out a gun. He glanced at stage right, hoping to see Keefe, if only for an instant, but the lights were too bright.

Jesse raised his hands to quiet the audience, and Kelvin and Judy took their places at center left and right, facing away from him. "Partners, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives," he began.  "Spouses, soul mates, better halves.  Whatever you want to call them. They are the first person we see in the morning, the last person we see at night. They will be the last person we see before we go to meet Jesus."

Gulp! Hopefully he wouldn't be meeting Jesus today!

More after the jump break

Kelvin's Rebound Date with Percy

 

This story takes place shortly after Righteous Gemstones Episode 3.4, the Kelvin/Keefe breakup.

Kelvin sat in his bathrobe, with Jesse on one side and Judy on the other.  Usually his siblings insulted and criticized him, but not today.  At least, not very much.

"You can't sit here feeling sorry for yourself for the rest of your life," Jesse told him.  "You have obligations to the church.  We need you."

"I can't go back to leading the youth ministry," Kelvin said softly.  "It will remind me of Keefe."

"It isn't just being reminded, Dummy," Judy said.  "Once you get admitted to this family, you don't get un-admitted.  Keefe will still be around.  You'll see him at church, at Sunday dinner, everywhere, so get used to it."

Kelvin hadn't thought of that.  "How could I ever see him without crying?"  

 "Just man up and deal with it," Jesse told him.  "You're not the first guy to get dumped by his boyfriend."

"He wasn't my boyfriend,"  Kelvin protested.  "He was my...he was my life.  He was my world."  

Judy scoffed.  "Well, maybe what you need is a good old-fashioned boyfriend.  Not the beginnig and end of your world, just someone to go out and have fun with.  You know, dating.  If  it turns into true love, fine; if not, at least you got your dick sucked."

"Judy!"  

"I'm not an expert on what gay guys like," Jesse said, "But if you want an outside opinion, I think you've got it all.  You're handsome, you're muscular, you have a gay wardrobe, and  you're famous.  I'll bet half the gay boys in the country used to jerk off to your Kelvin's Chastity Club posters."

"I always wondered about that," Judy said.  "You and Zac Efron in swimsuits, holding hands.  How does that promote chastity?"

"There were no girls in the poster.  Just two guys having fun...um...together."  Kelvin caught himself. Were those posters homoerotic?  How would he know?  At age 15, he didn't even know what "gay" meant.  "Anyway, I didn't design it.  Blame the church's pr department."

"Send in $5, and get an autographed picture of Kelvin with a bulge in his jeans,"  Judy continued.  "$10 if you want him to whip it out."

"I did not have a bulge," Kelvin protested.  "Well, just my natural body contours. I can't help my size."  He found himself smiling for the first time in days.  It felt good to be the subject of his siblings' teasing.  Maybe his life wasn't over.  Maybe he had a future after all. 

Maybe he should go out on a date.

But who to ask?  He couldn't just walk into a gay bar -- the tabloids would love it!  Someone from the church?  Was there a dating app for gay Christians?  Wait -- Percy, the designer who worked on the executive board room.  He seemed nice, and he was kind of cute. Not obviously buffed, but he probably worked out -- all gay guys did.

He was soft-spoken, maybe a little femme, but was he actually gay?  The name Percy, an interior designer -- weren't those stereotypes?  Kelvin didn't remember seeing a wedding ring.  

One way to find out: he put on his most bulging, muscle-displaying outfit and drove out to the design studio in Charleston.  Percy was at his desk, talking to two clients.  Kelvin waved, and he waved back.

A good sign, right?

Kelvin sat on one of the design couches and played with his cell phone to calm his nerves. Gay dating apps -- what was Grindr about?

"Hey, Kelvin."  Percy sat down beside him, almost but not quite seeing his Gridr profile, and put a hand on his shoulder.  His hand on my shoulder, Kelvin thought.  That's a gay thing, right?   "How's your board room working out."

"Oh, it's great.  We love the frescos with Jesse as a Christian warrior and me holding a little child."  

"I was going for a Father, Son, and Holy Ghost motif."

Percy was looking directly into his eyes!  His heart was pounding.  "So..."

"So...." Percy repeated, an eyebrow raised.

"So I was wondering....um...if you are free Friday night, would you like to come over to the house for dinner?"

Percy looked surprised.  "You mean, with the family?" 

"No...um...just me.  Just me and you, I mean."

"Oh...oh.  Sure, I'd be happy to."  

"Great!"  

They stared at each other.  The little bell on the door rang: another client!  But Kelvin still couldn't speak.

Percy giggled and touched his hand. "Here's where you tell me what time to come, Kelvin."

"Oh...oh, right.  Come at 8:00."  8:00 seemed a little late for dinner, but when people went out on dates in movies, they always said "I'll pick you up at 8:00."

"Ok.  Gotta run.  Can't wait until Friday!"  He squeezed Kelvin's hand and rushed off to greet his clients.

Gulp.  Kelvin spend the next three days watching every romcom in BJ's collection, and taking notes. Darn, he and Percy never had a meet-cute.  But the first date was standardized.  It always involved three steps.

More after the break