Wes Stern (sigh): Was the cutest teen idol of the 1970s gay, or just pretending? With bonus n*de Sal Mineo and Dustin Hoffman

 

Sigh.  Isn't this most groovy, ginchy, dreamy, outta sight dude to ever have his name written amid little hearts in a chemistry notebook?

Er...I mean he's a hot snack.

Wait -- not Bobby Sherman.  I meant his boyfriend, Wes Stern (sigh).

In the spring of 1971, 27-year old Bobby Sherman was probably the #1 teen idol in the country,or maybe #2 to David Cassidy of The Partridge Family.  He had released 10 albums and 23 singles, includiing hits "Easy Come Easy Go" and "Julie Do Ya Love Me."  His shirtless photos were plastered all over the teen magazines, actually more often than David Cassidy's.  And he had displayed acting talent as the "allergic to girls" beach movie star Frankie Catalina on an episode of The Monkees, plus two seasons as Troy Bolt on Here Come the Brides (1968-70).

The minds of ABC executives started churning.  Why not give him his own tv series?  He could play "himself," and sing a different number every week.  Surefire hit, right?

They based the premise on the singer/songwriter team Boyce and Hart.  Bobby would play Bobby Conway, a struggling singer. They just needed an awkward, "girl-shy" dude to provide the comic relief and tight jeans as his nerdish lyricist Lionel Poindexter.

Thousands of groovy dudes showed up for open auditions, but Bobby really, really liked 23-year old Wes Stern (sigh).  

Soon they were seen together at Hollywood hot spots, preparing for the deep, deep, deep romance (um...friendship) that would characterize their series.  

Everybody idolized Bobby Sherman at the time, but Wes (sigh) really pushed  up the lovelorn gaze.  He was definitely up for some snogging, and I'm sure that the nearly-openly bisexual Bobby Sherman obliged. 

Interestingly, Bobby married Pat Carnel that summer, and published an introduction to Wes (sigh) claiming that he "loves girls."  Protesting too much, buddy?

Left: Bobby hasn't revealed much about his male loves, but we almost know he dated almost-out actor Sal Mineo.

And Wes (sigh)

Tie-in novels and comic books were ordered, gushing teen magazine articles were written -- Wes (sigh) lives in a "bachelor apartment in West Hollywood.".  Then, after a "meet cute" episode of The Partridge Family, Getting Together premiered in October 1971. 

We must have watched -- the alternative was All in the Family, which Mom and Dad didn't allow because of the atheists.  But I don't recall anything except Bobby and Wes (sigh) smiling at each other.  My description comes from nostalgia articles:

In the first episode, Bobby becomes the guardian of his orphaned younger sister, but she runs away when she thinks her presence is interfering with their romance...um, I mean friendship. Don't they have their own room?  

Most episodes involved their parenting problems rather than the singing-song writing stuff - dig, a teenage girl in 1971 likes The Lawrence Welk Show!

Co-parents in an alternative family, plus the guys lived in an antique shop. They couldn't be more gay-coded if they plastered their bedroom with pictures of Steve Reeves.  

Except Getting Together didn't air on  ABC's Friday night block of kid-friendly programs.  It aired on Saturday night, where it failed to make a dent in the juggernaut of Archie, Edith, and the Meathead.  14 episodes appeared through January 1972, and then the duo disbanded.  But the memory of a gay romance has lingered.

Was Wes (sigh) gay in real life, did he and Bobby have a platonic-pal bromance, or was their relationship purely manufactured? I knew almost nothing about him then, and I still don't.  He is almost absent from the internet.  All I have is a few details about the show and 13 acting roles listed on the IMDB. 

He was born in New York City on July 25th, 1947.  "Stern" means "star" in German and Yiddish, so I'm assuming Jewish, although "Wesley" is a Methodist name.  No info on his education.  In 1969 he hit Hollywood and joined the Groundlings comedy troupe.

He turned down the role of Benjamin Braddock in The Graduate (1969) to star in The First Time (1969): Three teenage boys on vacation in Niagara Falls mistake Jacqueline Bisset for a hooker and set out to lose their virginity.  Wes (sigh) is into it, but his gay-coded friend is not.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.2 Kelvin clenches, Keefe dances, and everybody flirts with Eli. With proof that everything is bigger in Texas.

Previous:  Episode 2.1, Continued: Keefe's kiss, Kelvin's boner, and a thug with broken thumbs. With Jonah Hauer-King and a proper erection bonus

In Episode 2.1, while we establish the Kelvin/Keefe, Judy/BJ, and Jesse/Amber conflicts of the season, Eli's old friend Junior stops by, and acts very much like an ex-lover.  They go out to dinner and beat up a tough.  Now we see the aftermath.

Title: "After I Leave, Savage Wolves will Come."  In Acts 20.29. Paul tells the Ephesians that after he leaves, savage wolves or false teachers will tear the flock apart. So, who is the wolf invading the Gemstones' lives?

Eli Gemstone indicted! Thaniel Block sits on the porch of his rental house in the South Carolina woods, reading some news stories from 1993: Gemstone Family Studios to close due to "a financial and rumors of  sexual scandals," with $4 million missing.  Another article: "Eli Gemstone indicted on charges of fraud and conspiracy." But Episode 2.5 takes place at Christmas 1993.  When did all this happen? Geezer Tim drops by to criticize him for living in New York and having a "nasty attitude." 

A Hot Piece of Tail: Judy and BJ visit Eli to ask him to officiate in BJ's baptism.  They find him asleep on the couch in the parlor. Junior enters and asks "Who's this hot piece of tail?"  He's actually looking at BJ, but Eli assumes that he means Judy and says that she is his daughter.  He apologizes and asks if BJ is her lesbian partner. BJ starts to answer, but Judy cuts him off: "He's big-dicking you."

There are several takeaways here.  First, Eli and Junior did not sleep together; Eli fell asleep on the couch. Weren't there any guest rooms in his mansion? 

Second, check out Junior's magenta bathrobe, jaunty hand on him, and pinky ring: he is deliberately presenting as queer.   

Third, Eli may have mentioned that one of his children is gay, and Junior forgot which.

Execretions and Hep C Loads:  After Junior heads to the kitchen to make coffee, Judy wants to know what's going on.  Eli tells her that "things got a little carried away last night," which she interprets to mean that they are having rough sex.  He grimaces in disgust, but plays along to mess with her.  

Her main criticism is that Junior is unattractive: "I always hoped that if you were gonna yank a pole, it would be someone hot."  So Judy has considered the possibility that Eli is bisexual for a long time. 

She states that the "hookup" signifies that Eli doesn't care about his family.  Remember that Jesse likewise complains that Kelvin "popping boners" with the muscle men is "selfish, not helping the family."  But it's not just gay sex; on this show, having a partner of any sort is framed as a betrayal.  The family is aghast when Judy wants to move off the Compound with BJ; Baby Billy is still hurt over his sister Aimee-Leigh "leaving him" to marry Eli.  

As they storm out, Judy cautions BJ to not touch anything, as there are probably execretions and Hep C loads everywhere.  This is a call back to Abraham leaving his semen everywhere in Jesse's house, plus an awareness that Hepatitus C can easily spread through anal sex, so it is particularly common in gay communities.

Good Sniffer Seats: After they leave, Eli joins Junior on the back patio, overlooking the reflecting pool that leads to Aimee-Leigh's shrine.  Eli invites him to church, but he worries about the cost.  Junior avers that he's been to enough strip joints to know that you have to pay for the "good sniffer seats."  I can't find the term "sniffer seat" defined anywhere, but I guess that it's a seat close enough to the stage to smell the performers.  There are male strip clubs, but he's probably referencing a lady's club, being a hetero horn dog, backing off from the implication of same-sex activity. 

But not entirely: Eli offers to reserve a good seat for him, and the guys hold hands!

On closer examination, it turns out to be a man and a woman holding hands. We have cut to a scene involving Jesse and Amber's marital advice group. But it is so abrupt that the misdirection must be intentional.  The man is even wearing a shirt the same color as Junior's robe.

After the group meeting, Matthew and Chad ask why Jesse's old crew isn't hanging out together anymore.  This is all marital stuff, heterosexual nuclear family stuff; what happened to the band of brothers, savage and free?  Gregory explains; "I love you guys, but happy wife, happy life." You must abandon same-sex loves for heterosexual destiny.

You Got a Hound Dog Here: Cut to Thaniel visiting the Salvation Center, where he admits that he has sexual-scandal dirt on Aimee-Leigh, gathered from household staff.  Well, at least Kelvin is off the hook.

The World's Most Famous Christian: Next, Jesse and Amber visit the Lissons in Texas for a party to celebrate the proposed Zion's Landing resort. Joe Jonas, the World's Most Famous Christian, leads everyone in a line dance.  He proclaims his heterosexuality, singing about the "beautiful girls" he's been with while wearing a formless leopard robe and pink bandana, the antithesis of Kelvin's tiger jacket and porn-star-bulging jeans. Desire for women un-mans a man, renderng him soft and sickly; only in the manly love of comrads can a man be strong and free.

Keefe dances: At church, they welcome those who have found God in the past month, including BJ. He has always been a non-believer before; it is unclear whether he has actually had a "born again" experience, or is just pretending to be accepted by the family.  

The welcome is framed as a heterosexual union, with Judy hugging BJ and Kelvin grudgingly hugging a female convert. He's disgusted by touching "females," even as part of his job.  Meanwhile, on a balcony far removed from the stage, Keefe leads the God Squad in a dance, invisible, ignored, forever cut off from heterosexual practice, forever cut off from the family.  

Nude Texas dudes after the break

Frederick Koehler: Chip from "Kate and Ally" grows up, shows his d*ck, plays some psychos, and vanishes. With bonus Beau Mirchoff dick

Viewers who saw this in a 2004 episode of the prison drama Oz were shocked.  Not by the nudity -- there were lots of nude guys.

Not because he was Andrew Schillinger, 20-year old son of the white supremacist prisoner Vern Schillinger.

 Not even because he was a heroin addict who would be given a batch by an unscrupulous guard and die of an overdose.

Because we were looking at the dick and butt of a grown-up Chip.

Although he had appeared in Judging Amy, Ally McBeal, Profiler, Gideon's Crossing, Charmed, and A Kiss Before Dying,  Fred Koehler was famous for Kate and Allie (1984-89), a sitcom starring two recognizable 1970s tv stars, Jane Curtin and Susan Saint James, a free spirit-stick in the mud couple living together. Fred Koehler played their 10-15 year old son, Chip

No, they weren't lesbians, although they pretended to be in an early example of a "let's pretend to be gay to get some of their incredible privileges" episode. 

After Kate and Ally -- I have to keep checking, but I'm pretty sure it's "ally," not "allie" -- Fred attended Carnegie-Mellon University, got a degree in theater, changed his stage name to Frederick, and returned to Hollywood.

To quote Sally in Peanuts, isn't the grown-up Frederick "the cutest thing"?   Short, rather husky, with a round, handsome face and a befuddled expression that makes him perfect for roles as oddball outsiders with no heterosexual interests.  Instead, they are gay-vague, yearning for love, acceptance, and family.

Like Ben Sharpless, teenage son of the obsessive sheriff Nolan in Birdseye (2002).

Or the mentally handicapped Pemon in Little Chenier (2006).

More after the break

Adam's Hot/Hung Photos, Part 1: Forehead presses, anal poopers, divine dicks, an Oz salute, and Kermit the Frog

This is a collection of hot or humorous photos of Adam Devine.  I've already posted almost all of his dick and butt shots available, but not to worry, there are some dicks and butts of other guys. 

1. The "I lost my swimsuit in the ocean" excuse is getting old, buddy.

2. Adam's physique has been compared to Schwarzenegger's.  Not favorably, just compared.

3.  "I know he's not much to look at, but he makes me laugh." Girl, you’re looking in the wrong place .

.

4. Oh, for...three years of Kelvin/Keefe forehead presses, and now this!  Just kiss him, and save us all a lot of aggravation!

5. In The Out-Laws, Adam plays a hapless bank manager who butts heads with rival manager Dean Winters, here giving an Oz nude salute.

6. Adam's new commode, for turning bathroom time into fun time. It looks nice and all, but how do you poop?

More Adam after the break

Jeff East: Tom Sawyer's boyfriend, Disney teen, young Superman, naked fratboy, Pumpkinhead prey.

If you were young in the 1970s, Sunday night meant either church or The Wonderful World of Disney, countless movies set in the wilderness chopped up into 40-minute segments.  It was dreadful, but at least you got to see a cadre of teenagers personally selected by Walt or Roy Disney to represent "youthful masculinity":  Tommy Kirk, Kurt Russell, Tim Considine, James MacArthur.  

And if you could tell your fundamentalist, "movies are sinful" parents that you were going to the library downtown and sneak into a matinee, you could see Jeff East and Johnny Whitaker playng boyfriends.

Born in 1957 in Kansas City, Jeff had virtually no acting experience when he was chosen from among 1,000 hopefuls in open auditions to play Huckleberry Finn in Tom Sawyer (1973), with Johnny Whitaker as Tom.

They appeared together again in Huckleberry Finn (1974), with a romance that would be impossibly overt today.

Plus they both showed bare chests and bare butts, which would never be permitted today.  

Jeff went on three Wonderful World of Disney movies about big animals.  Disney loved animal stars.

Return of the Big Cat (1974): he has to save his sister from a cougar.

The Flight of the Grey Wolf (1975): he tries to re-introduce a wolf into the wild.  Nobody flies.

The Ghost of Cypress Swamp (1977): he has to save his dog from a panther, and runs afoul of a crazy guy.

This was the era of the big name teen idols like Shawn Cassidy, and a guy who fought panthers couldn't compete.  Jeff got very little attention in the teen magazines.

Jeff moved on to his first "adult" role as a college student who participates in a deadly hazing in The Hazing (1977),  also released as The Case of the Campus Corpse to make it seem like a comedy.  

Again he takes everything off -- he spends about half the movie in nothing but a revealing jockstrap.

Displaying his butt again.

And he has a painfully intense, gay-subtext romance with his costar, fellow college student Charles Martin Smith.

 

Charles Martin Smith's butt in Never Cry Wolf (1983), about a government researcher living with wolves.  

What's with these guys and their wildlife?

More butts after the break

Workaholics Episode 1.9: Adam kisses a cougar, gets frisky with Ders, and raps as a bodybuilding fairy wizard. With a Michael O'Hearn frontal

After the gloomfest of The Mick, I needed something a little more upbeat. So Workaholics Episode 1.9, which was heavily criticized on the Gender/Sex/Media blog as homophobic: the guys think of "homosexuality" as weird and wrong  -- and something you can catch.  Plus Adam uses a homophobic slur!  We'll see. 

Scene 1: The guys dressed as wizards in long beards and conical caps, rehearsing a rap number for the Renaissance Faire. Ders asks why Adam has ripped his shirt off: "We're trying to get people excited, right?  The world needs to see the madness that is my upper torso."  Can't disagree with that.  

Next Ders objects to "whoring out" the art of rap, but the guys remind him that ladies with big boobs will be watching their performance, so ok.

Scene 2: At work, the guys are watching through the window as Adam lifts weights on the patio. Geez, don't you gawk at his bod enough at home?  Sorry, of course there's no such thing as "enough."  

Suddenly a middle-aged lady comes onto the patio to smoke: Sharon, the owner of the whole building!  The guys, watching, don't understand..  "Why is that lady talking to Adam? Wait -- why are they kissing?"  Well, Billy, some boys like to kiss boys, and some like to kiss girls.  

Scene 3: Blake wonders where Adam has been for three days; he's missing the Wizard Rap rehearsals. He comes in to announce that he's moving in with Sharon!  They're in love, they're having sex, and besides, she's helping him with his bodybuilding career.  She got him a gig at the Tri-County Amateur Bodybuilding Competition.  Um..buddy, anyone can sign up for those things.  Blake and Ders disapprove: she's a cougar (middle aged lady who's into young guys.)  Nonsense, she's the same age as Adam's mom, who has sex a lot.  

He zooms away on the back of Sharon's motorcycle.  The guys feel betrayed, and decide that they will break up the lovebirds. Their plan: Ders will seduce her. Won't work -- I'm sure Sharon is fine with three-ways.

Scene 4: The guys arrive at Sharon's mansion. While Adam shows Blake around, Ders asks to check out the pool (we've already established that he's a former swimming champ).

The grand tour, consisting of the various places where Adam has made "the magic happen": their bedroom, the staircase, her son's bedroom, the kitchen. Have they ever actually had sex?  I think a big reveal is coming. 

Meanwhile Ders goes out to the pool in a very tight Speedo and flirts with Sharon.  She can't swim, so he offers to teach her.  

Scene 5:  Adam shows Blake the gym, where he's preparing for the bodybuilding competition.  Blake wants to stall him, to give Ders enough time to complete the seduction, so he asks for a demonstration of the bicep curl.  Adam likes to keep the window open during his workouts, so when he screams, people outside think he's having sex.  But aren't you having sex a lot anyway?  

Meanwhile, in the pool, Sharon asks Ders "Are you trying to seduce me?"   She is totally open to the idea.

Scene 6: Adam looks out the window, sees Sharon and Ders flirting, and runs down in a jealous snit. "We're going to fight!"  

Upset at being interrupted in the midst of a seduction, Ders cries "You are frickin' dead, boy!" But when he climbs out of the pool, he is aroused!  

They can't fight that way, so he has to lie down until he gets soft.  But the minute the two start grabbing at each other, they both get aroused! "Your boner is contagious!" Adam exclaims.  He orders Ders to put on a shirt to hide his hunkiness.  What about you, Mr. Sexiest Man on the Planet?  It can't be a fair fight with your gorgeousness  distracting your opponent.  "Wait, am I supposed to hit you or kiss you? I'll compromise with a blow job."  

Ders agrees -- they're too attracted to each other for a physical fight.  Maybe if they just hurl insults?  Nope -- it turns into an "are you as turned on as I am?" tirade that stops just short of the kiss.  And they're aroused again! 

More arousal after the break

Young Rock Episode 2.12: Dwayne calls out a bully, works on his bluster, and offends his boyfr...I mean buddy. With bonus Crane cock

 Young Rock (2021-23), about the early years of "The Rock," Dwayne Johnson,is one of my favorite comedies: an insider view of the 1990s pro wrestling subculture, a deliberate gay subtext between the modern-day Rock and his boyfr...best friend Randall Park, a near-absence of heterosexual romance, and endless vistas of locker room beefcake.  I reviewed "You Gotta Get Down to Get Up," Episode 2.12 of Young Rock, because it stars two of my favorite actors from the old days, Sean Astin and Ryan Pinkston.

Scene 1: Randall is upset because Dwayne didn't invite him to lunch with his best friend Forest Whitaker. They're boyfr....buddies.  Shouldn't he be invited by default?  Besides, it's only 24 hours until the presidential election; shouldn't Dwayne be out there, campaigning in battleground states?  

No, Dwayne says, he always goes his own way.  A story to illustrate:

Scene 2: In 1996, Dwayne is getting some wrestling experience in Memphis, living with his buddy Downtown Bruno, Ryan Pinkston, in a decrepit trailer with no ceiling.

Bruno is down on his luck.  He moved from playing a heel, Dr. Harvey Winkelman, to managing heels, but now he is just a referee for Jerry "The King" Lawler, Michael Strassner.

They discuss Dwayne's ring name.  Since his dad was Rocky, maybe Rocky Junior?  His family suggests Little Chief, his friends the Wild Half-Samoan.

Scene 3: In the locker room, Dwayne has been booked on a tag team, but they still need his name. He says "Flex Kavana."  

Back in 2034, Randall is surprised that it wasn't the Rock right away. No, Flex, because he's muscular, and Kavana, because it sounds Polynesian.

His tag team partner, Brian Lawler, played by Marcus Molyneaux, approaches. They knew each other as kids: Brian used to set up rings for Dwayne's Dad.  He's hot now,  so his ring name is Too Sexy Brian.    

They film one of those bragging promos, but Dwayne flubs it by saying "We're naughty by nature but violent by decision."

More after the break. Caution: explicit

Raising Dion Episode 2.2: Gay kid with superpowers and his scoobies fight monsters, deal with a helicopter Mom

There are lots of movie and tv shows about teenagers discovering that they have superpowers, but not many about eigh-year olds. In Raising Dion, single mom Nicole must deal with her own problems and her son's superpowers, which draw the attention of the usual medical specialists, dark-government agencies, and monstrous supervillains.  Gavin Munn plays Dion's best bud.  To see if they have a gay-subtext relationship,  I reviewed Episode 2.2, about a new boy in school, figuring that this was the episode where Gavin first appears.

Prelude: Mom and Dion off a giant smokey monster in naked human form.  So far, so good.  The monster leaves, and a guy named Pat (Jason Ritter, left) is left (fully clothed).  He explains: "It took a whole day for my body to completely reform, and another to walk to the nearest town, where I decided to start a new life."

Scene 1: Zoom out: he's being interrogated, claiming that he did unspeakable things because the Crooked Man was controlling him.  And now it is controlling someone else!  Big Boss Suzanne doesn't believe him.

Scene 2: Guys in Hazmat suits investigating a giant crater.  There are footprints down there -- maybe the security guard. They call him to check, but he's at home with a disgusting pustulating growth on his neck.  They block off the crater so no school kids fall in.

At that moment, Mom and Dion (Ja'siah Young) drive past. Dion, now ten years old, is troubled, but Mom tells him that there is nothing to worry about.  He praises his superpower trainer, Tevin (Rome Flynn, top photo). Mom says "I'm glad you like him."  Next subject of conversation: the upcoming musical, which Esperanza is counting on him for.  Does Dion have a girlfriend?  TV writers are hesitant about portraying gay pre-teens or even teenagers, but they'll happily have toddlers expressing heterosexual desire.

Scene 3: At school, Dion is drawing in the abs on a muscular superhero.  Questioned by his friend Jonathan (Gavin Munn, already a regular), he claims that they are power stabilizers to help him go faster.  "Um...ok," Gavin says, rather obviously pretending not to know that Dion is gay.  I'd better take another peek at Dion's interest in his superpower trianer.

Their third friend Esperanza (Sammi Haney), who has a unique body type and uses a wheelchair, wants to know when they're going to investigate the mysterious crater. How about today after school?  Next, she has picked out the songs they're going to use for their auditions for the school musical.  BFF Jonathan says there's no need: he has his song picked out, and it's going to be awesome!

During class, the new kid Brayden (Griffin Robert Faulkner) keeps glaring at Dion. 

Scene 4: B Plot with Mom and her sister Kat discussing where their lives went wrong. 

Cut to school: after class, New Kid Brayden reads the minds of the kids around him, mostly criticizing him for being strange.  Dion and his buds friend-up to him: "I know how hard it is being the new kid."  They ask him to audition for the school musical.

Scene 5: Out in the hall, Crooked Man tells Brayden to "get him alone!", so he asks Dion for a tour of the school. BFF Jonathan wants to come, too, but Brayden mind controls him into agreeing that it should just be the two of them. 

They walk down a deserted hallway.  Dion asks Brayden why he moved to Atlanta.  "To find you."  I don't think he means "we were meant to be together."  

Crooked Man smokes out of Brayden and tries to grab Dion, but fails.

Scene 6:  After school.  Mom arrives to pick up Dion, but Esperanza stalls her, and at the crater, BFF Jonathan stalls the hazmat guy, so Dion can zap down and investigate. It's got glowing purple flowers with undulating stamens that reach out for him -- ulp, time to zap away! 

Scene 7:  At the Bio Institute, while Dion is changing into his superhero-workout clothes, his trainer Tevin asks Mom out.  I'll skip the Mom and Patrick plots.  Actually, they take a while.  I guess child stars can't work a lot of hours.

Scene 8: Brayden at home -- he lives by himself -- eating pizza.  He criticizes the Crooked Man smoke-monster for trying to attack Dion, when he wasn't strong enough.  "Well, he was just so close, and I couldn't help it."   Crooked Man is not quite as scary when he whines to a little kid.  

Next criticism: "Why are you using the weird flowers to build an army? Why can't you kill Dion all by  yourself, you wimp?"  Crooked Man doesn't answer; he just complements Brayden: "You're making me stronger.  Soon I will be ready." 

Next: when the job is done, will Crooked Man abandon Brayden?  "No, I'll keep you with me."  Ten to one he's lying.

Scene 8:  Dion in his room, reading comic books.  Why is there a map of Scandinavia on his wall?   Suddenly Brayden appears!  He explains: "I'm not actually in your room, I'm in your head.  I have powers, too."  While Dion stares, he says "I think we're going to be best friends."  Uh-oh, that sounds sinister.  The end.

The Dion plot is a little thin, so lI'll add a scene from the next episode:

The Musical Auditions:   Dion's main friends and Brayden compete for Dion's attention.  Brayden uses his superpowers to zap the two of them into a field (a boring field?  How about Disney World?). But Dion still chooses his main friends.  Brayden roils with jealousy.

The femme diector, Mr. Kwame (J. Harrison Ghee, who won a Tony for his role in Some Like It Hot ), uses the opening of Fame: "you got big dreams?  You want fame?  Well, fame costs, and here's where you start paying -- in sweat!" This is a fourth grade musical review, not Broadway!  

Ulp, all of the kids sing "Oh, Susannah!"  Badly!  "Fosse, forgive me!" Mr. Kwame cries. Then Esperanza does a mesmerizing performance of  "Beautiful Dreamer." 

Jonathan doesn't audition; he uses pyrotechnics and confetti cannons to push for the job of stage manager.  The end.

Beefcake: None, but I included the butts of Jason Ritter and Rome Flynn after the break.

Heterosexism: Just among the adults.  I researched the series, and none of the kids is involved in a heterosexual romance.

Gay Characters: One scene implying that Dion is gay.  There are probably hints in other episodes, too, but I doubt they go beyond.  

According to AfterEllen, Mom's sister Kat gets a "surprise! she's a lesbian" moment that is never referenced again.  There are rainbow posters around the school, but I can't read what they say.

Gay Subtext: Dion and Brayden have a kid version of a toxic romantic relationship, complete with gaslight, blaming, and abuse.  Nothing with Dion and Jonathan in this episode. 

My Grade:  Esperanza steals every scene, and Jonathan is amazing as a pre-teen operator.  Dion is the morose, troubled Peter Parker type.  Mom is definitely over protective.  Kid plotline: A-.

Overall, this seems to be Mom's story, about the problems of raising a "special needs" kid and dealing with the season's Big Bad.  Grown-up plotline: C+.

Butts after the break.  Guess which belongs to whom:

Jeremy Renner: A gay serial killer, some gay subtext roles, some homophobia, and a j/o video

 

I wanted to do a profile of Jeremy Renner, the one-time roommate of Kristoffer Winter, who may or may not have dated my friend Infinite Chazz in West Hollywood.  But there are problems: few nude photos, not much beefcake, and he's extremely homophobic. 

Addressing the rumors that he's bisexual because he was living with a man and a woman, he cursed "they're not f*** true!"  Same thing when he dumped both to move in with Kristoffer Winters, who may or may not have dated my friend Infinite Chazz in West Hollywood: "Believe whatever you f*king want!"

By the way, his favorite movie is the deeply homophobic Braveheart, which he's seen 35 times.  

Jeremy will not be playing a gay character anytime soon -- God help the agent who suggests it! -- but oddly, there are obviously unintentional gay subtexts in some of his movies, beginning with the first, National Lampoon's Senior Trip, 1995: stoner Dags has a buddy.

And A Friend's Betrayal, 1996. He's not the one doing the betraying, but he does have a buddy, Brian Austin Green.

How about a fey vampire who preys on teenage boys in a 2000 episode of Angel?

Or a 2002 biopic of Jeffrey Dahmer, the serial killer who preyed on teenage boys?  Why would the homophobic Jeremy accept such a role?

Jeremy gives us some rear nudity in Twelve and Holding, 2005:  "A 12-year old boy and his friends face the harsh realities of death, teenage hormones, and family dysfunction." 100 to 1 the "hormones" mean the 12-year old gets down with a girl.

More nude Jeremy after the break

"The Out-Laws": Adam Devine has a crush on Pierce Brosnan. Don't you?

The Out-Laws has an embarrassing low Rotten Tomatoes score, but it stars Adam Devine, plus Reyn Doi, who played a gay kid on That 90's Show, as a “weird and interesting looking boy famous for ribbon dancing to weird music.” Maybe he'll be gay in this movie, too.

Scene 1: This is amazing: a diorama of a wedding reception featuring miniatures of every cartoon and sci-fi character you have ever heard of: Beavis and Butt-head, E.T.,  The Human Fly, Ren and Stimpy, Gumby, a Teletubby.  Owen (Adam Devine) explains to his fiancee Parker (a girl) that each character matches a real guest's personality.  His horrible parents are Skeletor and Medusa.  

She wants to know which figure he is.  "He-Man, of course."  To demonstrate the resemblance, he shakes his butt and frontside (no underwear for our boy!).

"This is the man I'm going to marry," she says with a resigned sigh.  I take that you didn't choose Owen for his goofball personality, girl?  It must have been the cock and balls bouncing around. 

"By the way, let's start the plot moving: my parents can come to the wedding after all."  He gets all excited; they smooch. It's a heterosexual rom-com.  Get used to it.

Scene 2:  Owen 's parents, Skeletor and Medusa, criticize his fiancee ("She is not a stripper!  She owns a very successful yoga studio!"), his choice of wedding venue, and finally him ("You're becoming weird, Owen!).

Cut to work. He is the youngest manager in the history of Sunshine Bank!   After polishing his photo and booping its nose, he faces his work buds.  They complain that he never dated anyone before, and now suddenly he's engaged.  What's wrong with her?  Why does one of the most handsome men on Earth play so many guys who can't get laid?  You can only stretch willing suspension of disbelief so far.

First crisis: Gary has locked himself in the vault again, even though there's an emergency exit lever right there. 

Security guard buddy Tyree (Lil Rel Howery) tells  Owen that the manager of the competing bank called him a "dickless troll" "I tried not to laugh, but it was fucking hysterical, imagining you without a dick."  Now try imagining him with a dick.

Scene 3:  Dinner at a hibachi restaurant with Owen, his parents, his cousin, his grandmother, a teenage girl, and a little boy.  They grill Fiancee Parker on being a stripper.  "I'm a yoga instructor!" she protests.  Cousin RJ (Blake Anderson from Workaholics) has become an EMT; he wants to give Owen a ride in his ambulance and flatline him so he can visit their grandpa, who died of...well, figure it out for yourself.  It's dirty.

Owen needs some pictures of Parker's parents for his next creative project, but she doesn't have any, so he calls the owner of their storage facility to ask to be admitted to the McDermott locker.  There are two pictures of shirtless guys on the bulletin board behind him.  The storage guy is gay!  

The storage guy calls a Scary Rich Lady to notify her that someone asked about the locker.   She takes Owen's name, then deals with the issue of a guy selling her fake diamonds -- by shooting him! Uh-oh, Owen is in over his head. 

Later, while getting ready for bed (no beefcake), Owen and Fiancee Parker discuss the logistics of her parents' visit: they'll arrive the night before the wedding, and so on. Owen puts in his retainer, but then realizes that his girl wants to smooch and spits it out.  She definitely was attracted by his genitals, not by his goofiness.  Their foreplay consist of her fondling his earlobes or something.

Scene 4:  Owen comes into the house with groceries, talking to Parker on his phone: "I got that tofu you like." "Yeah, I like my tofu like I like my men: real hard."  Me too, girl.   She continues that "Tonight I'm going to twist you up like one of those Go-Gurts and slurp you dry."  Ok, I like to imagine Adam getting oral sex as much as the next guy, but that sounds painful.  

He begins singing about how tonight they're finally going to bone.  Wait -- they sleep in the same bed. Why wouldn't they have....? 

 Her parents are in the house, watching!  Surprise -- they're 1980s mega-stars Pierce Brosnan (Billy) and Ellen Barkin (Lily).  Who didn't have a crush on Brosnan's lovable rogue on Remington Steele?

After decking him in self-defense and informing him that they aren't burglars, Mom Lily wants a hug, and Dad Billy kisses him - right on the mouth!  "You kiss just like Parker!"  Owen exclaims, not entirely displeasd.

Parker comes in.  The parents act batshit crazy, threatening Owen and then backing off with "I'm joking." Wait -- is Parker doing a long con, pretending to be in love with Owen so her confederates can rob his bank?

Scene 5:  Wine, weird art-project presents, and their meet-cute story: Owen enrolled in Parker's yoga class, and passed out in the child-position, butt in the air.  She thought he was dead. "So you asked her out?"  "No, I stayed in the class for a year and a half, then she asked me out."  That's a very long con.  Parker must be unaware of her parents' career path.

Cut to Owen making breakfast the next morning.  Parker can't get anyone to cover her class, so  Owen has to entertain her parents.  

They discover that Owen doesn't like his butt grabbed: "It scares me."  So of course they all have to do it.  This will become important later.

Scene 6: Owen has some fun activities planned: a South American pottery exhibit, followed by the Holocaust Museum (it has a great food court). But they're up for skydiving, with Owen attached to Dad Billy's body: "I'm not going to pull the cord until you convince me that I should let you marry my daughter."  I'd be calling that wedding off the minute we hit the ground.  

Owen: "I love her!  I dog sit!  I tip 20%!  I'll never have sex with her! Pull the cord!" Billy: "That's my cock, you idiot!"  Geez, Owen, at least wait until you land.

Next up: a tattoo parlor, but Owen is too sensitive for more than one prick.

Next: a bar.  Owen gushes about how cool Dad Billy is.  Even his smell!  "You're so lucky you get to have sex with him," he tells Lily.  Maybe if you ask him nicely, he'll invite you to join in. 

Billy runs into the Scary Rich Lady, and assures her that Owen is an idiot.  He has no idea what's going on.  

Scene 7:  Next day?  Owen at work, praising Billy to high heaven. Just ask him out, Dude.  You won't be the first guy to dump a girl for her Dad.

Suddenly two robbers burst in, their faces covered, their voices disguised.  They force Owen to the bank vault.  Somehow they know about his vocal security bypass (he has to sing "She left me roses by the stairs.")  

Owen recognizes Billy's distinctive scent!  The robbers are his in-laws!  On the way out, they call Owen by name and toss him the ink-packet, blasting him with pink dye.  

Scene 8: While the police take statements, Owen remembers that he was bragging about being bank manager yesterday, and he told Lily the code!  Uh-oh, they will think he's in on the robbery.  Then Parker arrives -- with her parents.  

They tag along while Owen is interviewed by an FBI Agent.  Of course, he can't say anything with the two bank robbers right there. The Agent ask how they knew the access code.  Owen starts crying. 

Scene 9: On the way home, the Parent/Outlaws force Owen to sit between them.  He is terrified.  

At home, he showers, then calls his security guard bud Tyree for advice: "Don't do anything.  First, they'll kill you.  Second, you gave them the codes; you're the mastermind!"

Left: Pierce Brosnan's butt.

Next, he tries to tell his own parents, but they're clueless.  He suggests they do their speciality of asking highly invasive personal questions when they all have lunch. 

I'm out of room, so I'll stop there.

Beefcake: None.  But Owen talks about his penis a lot.  In case you haven't seen it lately, here's a close up.

Heterosexism: Owen and Parker smooch 30,000 times.  What do you expect in a rom-com caper?

Gay Characters: Maybe the Storage Guy.

 Reyn Doi appears in one scene, as the entertainment at the Scary Rich Lady's house.  Scary Lady explains that he is "like the Kanye of the former Soviet Bloc."  Not enough screen time to determine if the character is gay. 

Gay Subtext:   Big time, although the scene in the top photo is from another movie. Owen has quite a crush on Billy, even kissing him.  Billy backs away in surprise, and Owen explains: "Well, you kissed me when we first met," "Yes, but I didn't use tongue."  I wouldn't be surprised if Adam was actually playing Owen as bi.

My Grade: Simplistic plot, but the one-liners and physical comedy made the movie much funnier than I expected from the reviews. Adam Devine appears to be made of rubber, and he will do anything for a laugh.  It's like watching an old-time silent movie comedian like Buster Keaton. The gay subtext was a plus, but points off for the lack of overt LGBTQ representation.  B+.

See also: Bumper in Berlin

Why Him?: Adam Devine hooks up with Griffin Gluck over discussions of jizz

Workaholics Episode 5.5: Penis jokes and buddy bonding at a gay pride party