Johnny Karn: Lost virginity, pretentious straightness, psycho-slashers, and the most incredible penis you've ever seen

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Bryce Gheisar: "Wonder" bully, Nickelodeon astronaut, cursed boy's boyfriend, gay Iranian-American Baha'i bodybuilder

Discouraged over the low pageview count of my profile of Nolan Gould -- it was friggin' Nolan Gould!  With a friggin' hard-on!  -- I wanted a sure-fire thousand-page view draw.  Former teen stars always draw the most interest, so I checked on the teen idol site, and found Bryce Gheisar, with over 1,000 photos! 

No idea who he is.  From the name and general appearance, I'm guessing Turkish.  Probably a singer, since singers tend to draw more fan attention than actors.

I usually profile only actors, but he's got a cute face, a very muscular physique....

And he is obviously gay, with lots of photos of hugging, cuddling, and sleeping with guys.

A basic internet search reveals that Bryce was born in 2004 in Plano, Texas (a suburb of Dallas), not Turkey.  His father owned a fitness gym and is now a realtor, his mother runs a chimpanzee refuge, and his older brother is a gymnast.  

They are Iranian-American, and adherents of Bah'ai, a religion founded in Iran in 1844 by the Prophet Bahá’u’lláh.  It teaches the essential unity of all religions and all people. 

Bryce is an actor, best known as Ethan in A Dog's Purpose and Julian in Wonder.

And I haven't even checked the IMDB or his social media yet. Dude is famous.

He bursts onto the screen in 2017, singing the theme song to the new Duck Tales and starring in three movies.

In A Dog's Purpose (2017), a dog is reincarnated several times over five decades, always ending up with Ethan (Bryce as a kid, KJ Apa as a teen, Dennis Quaid as an adult).

Left: Former Archie Andrews KJ Apa in the shower.

In Wonder (2017),  Auggie (Jacob Tremblay), who has a facial anomaly, attends public school, gets a gay-subtext boyfriend  (Noah Jupe), and draws the wrath of bully Julian (Bryce), who eventually has a change of heart and apologizes.  Owen Wilson (left) plays Auggie's Dad.

Bryce reprised the role of Julian in White Bird: A Wonder Story (2024): his grandmother tells him a story about hiding from the Nazis during World War II, and falling in love (with a boy, of course), thus convincing him to try to be a better person. "Heterosexual romance exists, so stop your bullying!"  Auggie does not appear.

Later Bryce starred in The Astronauts, on Nickleodeon (2021-22): Five kids sneak into a spaceship, and it blasts off!  Grround Control can communicate with them, but otherwise they are on their own, with an AI that can't be trusted. Athletic Elliot (Bryce, right) and science nerd Will (Ben Daon, center) compete to become group leader.  No heterosexual romances are mentioned in the episode synopses, so there are probably some gay subtexts.

In Season 2 of the new Are You Afraid of the Dark (2022), Bryce plays Luke McCoy, a high school wrestler and skateboarder.  His best friend Connor (Parker Queenan) is captured by the Shadowman, and Luke enlists the Midnight Society to help rescue him. According to the fan wiki, "it is heavily implied" that the two have romantic feelings for each other.  Don't beat around the bush: they're canon.

More after the break

"English Teacher": Gay teacher, his ex-boyfriend, and his homophobic buddy face woke culture and get naked

I spent the worst year of my life teaching English at Homophobe State University in Hell, aka a far northern suburb of Houston, Texas. The minute I submitted the last of the final grades, I got in my car and drove nonstop until that blessed "You are now leaving Hell" sign was receding into the distance.

So the new Hulu series, English Teacher, about an English teacher in small town Hell...I mean Texas...piqued my interest.  I could relive how hideously horrible it was, from the safe distance of my living room a thousand miles away.

Score -- none of the promotional materials let on, but this English teacher, Evan, played by Brian Jordan Alvarez,  is gay.  Let the rampant homophobia begin.

Left: the worst place in the world

And Brian Jordan Alvarez's cock, to take your mind off the horror.

Wait -- in English Teacher, everyone knows that Evan is gay.  Not a problem.  The problem is, he's kind of a jerk.

The much more woke students want to cancel him, for instance, because he said that he couldn't understand why lesbians aren't attracted to men.  Lots of people aren't attracted to men, idjit!

In the first episode, a parent wants him fired, claiming that he turned her kid gay by kissing his then-boyfriend and current hookup, played by Jordan Firstman, in front of the class. 

Left: Jordan's dick.

More after the break

Hell-fer-Sartain: After a horrible year teaching at Homophobia U., I escape to Anywhere That's Not Texas

 

After getting my M.A. from  Indiana University, I spent a year (actually 210 dreadful days) in Hell-fer-Sartain, Texas, about 15 miles north of Houston -- which meant an hour's drive on thoses parking lots they called freeways -- teaching English at Homophobia State University.  Nine months of frustration, anger, embarrassment, loneliness, anger, frustration, and frustration. 

1. The entire population of the U.S. moved to Houston that summer, so no one knew how to do anything.  The bank gave me checks for one account and put my money in another.  I used to walk down the street and pick up my mail from all of the houses where the postman dumped it.

2. And the most minor task, even going out to eat, meant a 30-minute drive in bumper-to-bumper traffic, past a construction site (so flat tires were a constant hassle), and waiting in an endless line.

3. I lived in a two-room apartment with no heat ("this is the South -- we don't need heat") in the coldest winter Houston had seen since 1891, with a heavy-metal enthusiast in the apartment next door and Larry the Cable Guy downstairs.

4. The students in English Composition were beyond illiterate; in Survey of American Literature, they complained to the department chair when I assigned poems by Emily Dickinson and Langston Hughes (only white men counted as canon); and in my side job teaching report writing at Houston Police Academy, they passed out a map of the neighborhoods where "homosexuals and other deviants" congregated.  

5. God forbid I come out to anyone, so I was beset upon by male colleagues asking me to rate the attractiveness of female movie stars, and female colleagues trying to fix me up with their unmarried sisters and nieces.

Left: University of Houston Chapel.  Ask the Hunky Jesus for deliverance.

6. The Montrose neighborhood had clandestine gay bars and the Wilde and Stein Bookstore, but it was too frustrating to get to, with hour-long traffic jams and constant flat tires, so I depended on a personal ad in The Montrose Voice.  First I was looking for dates, but soon I settled for a hookup.  Even then, it was a mess: 

"Why do you want to know my name? Are you a cop?"

"There was a car in the driveway of a house three doors down, so I got scared and bailed."

"Meet me at the public restroom somewhere far away, and we'll do it there."

The nickname comes from South from Hell-fer-Sartan, a collection of Kentucky folk tales.

I applied for jobs and graduate programs furiously, and finally made it into USC!  I'd be moving to West Hollywood!  But first I had to go home to Rock Island for the summer.

I purposely didn't assign any final papers or final exams, so classes ended on Thursday, and I was ready to go on Friday.  I walked my final grades to the horrible dean's office, turned in my office key, walked through the sweltering Sahara of a parking lot, and started driving.

The quickest way to get back to Rock Island was to head north, but that would mean five more hours in Texas, so instead I drove south on the I-45 toward Houston for twelve miles.

Fortunately I turned onto the I-610 before it became a parking lot.

Ten more miles around the eastern edge of Houston in traffic that was just horrible, not a parking lot.  Mostly I was surrounded by roaring trucks and nondescript Brutoian warehouses

Then the I-10 east in more horrible traffic through horrible Houston suburbs: Jacinto City, Cloverleaf, Channel View. Greens Bayou, Marwood.

Left: Jacinto City wrestlers.

I hooked up  with a guy in Jacinto City once.  I felt like the town's first  mayor, a guy named Inch Handler.

The suburbs went on endlessly. Nothing to see but billboards, car dealerships, warehouses, and the occasional streetful of fast-food joints.

Past Burnett Bay, the traffic thinned out,  and the highway narrowed.  I was out of Houston's clutches, but still in Texas, driving through a swampy no man's land,without even a billboard.

Or a rest stop.  I didn't care. I wasn't stopping until Texas was a distant memory.

At the small redneck town of Winnie, home of the Texas Rice Festival, the I-10 veered northeast.

More after the break

Jackson Kelly: A killer doll, a killer pumpkin, a paranormal trap, nude Hicks, and a year of dicks

I was interested in profiling Jackson Kelly, who played one of the dying Civil War soldiers in Righteous Gemstones Season 4.  He was somewhat difficult to research, since there are a lot of Jackson Kellys out there, including a female adult video actor, but I finally I found some newspaper articles and podcasts from our Jackson's home town. 

Jackson grew up in Waco, Texas, the heart of the homophobic Bible Belt, and had trouble pursuing his dream: the nearest acting class was two hours away, and for auditions, his parents had to drive him six hours to Austin.  There are three theaters in Waco.

In April 2020, COVID hit, and the Vanguard College Preparatory School went online. They have a Latin Club, but no GSA, and no mention of LGBT non-discrimination.    So he packed his stuff and moved to L.A., with the full support of his parents.  If I liked to wear evening gowns, I'd be getting the heck out of Waco regardless. 

Jackson's first industry job was a production assistant for a company making commercials -- a lot of manual labor, moving stuff from here to there.  Then he began appearing in commercials and "zero-budget" independent films:

My Year of Dicks, 2022: he has one of the dicks that the girl tries to get.

Splinters, 2022: after the death of his father....f*k the Sadness

Witch Mountain, 2022: Two teens, male and female, develop psychic powers.  You see where this is heading.

Portrait of a Young Man, 2022: Jackson, the Young Man, is struggling with "his identity."  Sounds like a coming out story, but in the trailer he kisses a girl.

Hard Miles, 2023: Matthew Modine plays a social worker who organizes a 1,000 mile bicycle trip to the Grand Canyon for a group of teen convicts, including Smink, played by Jackson.

Left: Matthew Modine's butt.

The Western The Warrant: Breaker's Law, 2023, with Dermot Mulroney as the villain. Jackson plays someone named Brig Farkus.  At least he has some interesting character names.

Five episodes of Lucky Hank, 2023, a quickly-cancelled series about college English/creative writing professor Bob Odenkirk having a midlife crisis/meltdown. 

Jackson plays an aspiring novelist named Barstow Williams-Stevens. In the trailer, he throws shade at the prof during class: "You haven't said anything for an hour and a half. Would you please say something?  Your only novel isn't even available in your own campus bookstore."  The prof responds in kind, and gets in big trouble.

More after the break

Gemstones Episode 2.2 Kelvin clenches, Keefe dances, and everybody flirts with Eli. With proof that everything is bigger in Texas.

Previous:  Episode 2.1, Continued: Keefe's kiss, Kelvin's boner, and a thug with broken thumbs. With Jonah Hauer-King and a proper erection bonus

In Episode 2.1, while we establish the Kelvin/Keefe, Judy/BJ, and Jesse/Amber conflicts of the season, Eli's old friend Junior stops by, and acts very much like an ex-lover.  They go out to dinner and beat up a tough.  Now we see the aftermath.

Title: "After I Leave, Savage Wolves will Come."  In Acts 20.29. Paul tells the Ephesians that after he leaves, savage wolves or false teachers will tear the flock apart. So, who is the wolf invading the Gemstones' lives?

Eli Gemstone indicted! Thaniel Block sits on the porch of his rental house in the South Carolina woods, reading some news stories from 1993: Gemstone Family Studios to close due to "a financial and rumors of  sexual scandals," with $4 million missing.  Another article: "Eli Gemstone indicted on charges of fraud and conspiracy." But Episode 2.5 takes place at Christmas 1993.  When did all this happen? Geezer Tim drops by to criticize him for living in New York and having a "nasty attitude." 

A Hot Piece of Tail: Judy and BJ visit Eli to ask him to officiate in BJ's baptism.  They find him asleep on the couch in the parlor. Junior enters and asks "Who's this hot piece of tail?"  He's actually looking at BJ, but Eli assumes that he means Judy and says that she is his daughter.  He apologizes and asks if BJ is her lesbian partner. BJ starts to answer, but Judy cuts him off: "He's big-dicking you."

There are several takeaways here.  First, Eli and Junior did not sleep together; Eli fell asleep on the couch. Weren't there any guest rooms in his mansion? 

Second, check out Junior's magenta bathrobe, jaunty hand on him, and pinky ring: he is deliberately presenting as queer.   

Third, Eli may have mentioned that one of his children is gay, and Junior forgot which.

Execretions and Hep C Loads:  After Junior heads to the kitchen to make coffee, Judy wants to know what's going on.  Eli tells her that "things got a little carried away last night," which she interprets to mean that they are having rough sex.  He grimaces in disgust, but plays along to mess with her.  

Her main criticism is that Junior is unattractive: "I always hoped that if you were gonna yank a pole, it would be someone hot."  So Judy has considered the possibility that Eli is bisexual for a long time. 

She states that the "hookup" signifies that Eli doesn't care about his family.  Remember that Jesse likewise complains that Kelvin "popping boners" with the muscle men is "selfish, not helping the family."  But it's not just gay sex; on this show, having a partner of any sort is framed as a betrayal.  The family is aghast when Judy wants to move off the Compound with BJ; Baby Billy is still hurt over his sister Aimee-Leigh "leaving him" to marry Eli.  

As they storm out, Judy cautions BJ to not touch anything, as there are probably execretions and Hep C loads everywhere.  This is a call back to Abraham leaving his semen everywhere in Jesse's house, plus an awareness that Hepatitus C can easily spread through anal sex, so it is particularly common in gay communities.

Good Sniffer Seats: After they leave, Eli joins Junior on the back patio, overlooking the reflecting pool that leads to Aimee-Leigh's shrine.  Eli invites him to church, but he worries about the cost.  Junior avers that he's been to enough strip joints to know that you have to pay for the "good sniffer seats."  I can't find the term "sniffer seat" defined anywhere, but I guess that it's a seat close enough to the stage to smell the performers.  There are male strip clubs, but he's probably referencing a lady's club, being a hetero horn dog, backing off from the implication of same-sex activity. 

But not entirely: Eli offers to reserve a good seat for him, and the guys hold hands!

On closer examination, it turns out to be a man and a woman holding hands. We have cut to a scene involving Jesse and Amber's marital advice group. But it is so abrupt that the misdirection must be intentional.  The man is even wearing a shirt the same color as Junior's robe.

After the group meeting, Matthew and Chad ask why Jesse's old crew isn't hanging out together anymore.  This is all marital stuff, heterosexual nuclear family stuff; what happened to the band of brothers, savage and free?  Gregory explains; "I love you guys, but happy wife, happy life." You must abandon same-sex loves for heterosexual destiny.

You Got a Hound Dog Here: Cut to Thaniel visiting the Salvation Center, where he admits that he has sexual-scandal dirt on Aimee-Leigh, gathered from household staff.  Well, at least Kelvin is off the hook.

The World's Most Famous Christian: Next, Jesse and Amber visit the Lissons in Texas for a party to celebrate the proposed Zion's Landing resort. Joe Jonas, the World's Most Famous Christian, leads everyone in a line dance.  He proclaims his heterosexuality, singing about the "beautiful girls" he's been with while wearing a formless leopard robe and pink bandana, the antithesis of Kelvin's tiger jacket and porn-star-bulging jeans. Desire for women un-mans a man, renderng him soft and sickly; only in the manly love of comrads can a man be strong and free.

Keefe dances: At church, they welcome those who have found God in the past month, including BJ. He has always been a non-believer before; it is unclear whether he has actually had a "born again" experience, or is just pretending to be accepted by the family.  

The welcome is framed as a heterosexual union, with Judy hugging BJ and Kelvin grudgingly hugging a female convert. He's disgusted by touching "females," even as part of his job.  Meanwhile, on a balcony far removed from the stage, Keefe leads the God Squad in a dance, invisible, ignored, forever cut off from heterosexual practice, forever cut off from the family.  

Nude Texas dudes after the break

"English Teacher" Episode 1.8: Birthday party at a leather daddy bar, with Evan's work friends getting cruised or fitting in

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