I've been fooled by two tv series and a movie today.
Voice mails for Isabelle: A guy sits by Golden Gate Bridge, complaining to his dead sister he can't find his people in San Francisco. Where are all the drag queens. It took me 20 minutes to figure out that it's actually a girl, not a gay guy. She was wearing a hoodie and pants to trick you into watching.
Booth Bangla: A guy plans his sister's wedding. He doesn't express any heterosexual interest -- until halfway through the movie, when he meets the Girl of His Dreams.
Oasis: A family checks into an exclusive resort. Two boys immediately meet the Girls of Their Dreams, and an established couple smooch. I was holding out for the teenage daughter to be a lesbian because she keeps cruising girls. Nope, she meets the Boy of Her Dreams at Minute 12.
Heck with it. I'm watching The Season on Hulu, about "the glittering world of super-yachts, sun, and scandal" in Hong Kong. At least there will be some nice exterior shots.
Episode 1 Prologue. A woman tells us: "Hong Kong is a city of bloodlines. It will destroy you." An elegantly dressed middle-aged woman floats in the water outside a burning yacht. She sinks.
Scene 1: Six weeks earlier. A young woman jogs through Hong Kong. Nice exterior shots. Someone named Carrie calls, and tells her that her job today is impress the Hexts. Impress them, and you've got it made in Hong Kong.
A taxi takes her through the forest to her destination, a mansion or institution. Carrie ends her cardio work out to greet her. Back story: Her name is Cola (I love your parents' products, girl!), she has graduated with a degree in economics and maths, and her classmate Carrie, a wealth mover, has invited her to come out to Hong Kong as an intern. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get a full-time job offer," Cola says. Lie? Steal? Blow up yachts?
The summer is Boating Season, where Hong Kong A-Listers decide who they will admit to their social network. You have one chance to make a good impression; a single misstep, and you're out.
Scene 2: A lady, maybe Carrie, tells the staff that everything must be spotless, and asks Jon if he is ready for the maiden voyage. "Bring on the Bacchanalia," he says in a bored/aesthete tone. He'll be telling the guests to "Diversity at your own risk."
He must be gay.His teenage daughter sneers: "Great small talk, dad." Nope.
On the way upstairs to change, Jon asks a Male Staffer, "Is everything ready?" Maybe they are having an affair. Wife, now calling him Christopher, says "I really need this to work."
Why the changed name? It turns out that Bored Aesthete is Christopher (Toby Stephens, the Dad on Lost in Space). Jon (Lee-Jai Yoon, top photo) is the Male Staffer. Wife asked him a question while she was walking away from him, toward Christopher, who answered for him.
Scene 3: Cola and Carrie enter the yacht. They're joined by a guy named Andrew Fung (Chris Pang of
Crazy Rich Asians), who was in St. Tropez, but it's too hot in Europe. "Global warming is so inconvenient."
When Carrie introduces Cola, Andrew teases "A younger, hotter version of you?" Heterosexual identity established in his second sentence. His "lovely wife" Niki arrives and is introduced. Her family owns the Harbor Club, and are the bitter rivals of the Hexts, whom they are there to impress.
Next Jay and Sara Byford, from Melbourne, arrive and kiss up to Andrew and his Lovely Wife, but he doesn't like them.
He does like Hong Kong's most eligible bachelor, David Ho (Justin Chien, left). Maybe he's.....
Confused by the plethora of names? Don't worry; all you really need to know is that everyone is very rich, very bored, and heterosexual.
Back story: the family from Scene 2 are Christopher and Fiona Hext. This is their yacht. Wait -- everyone is here to impress them. Why are they concerned about the day going well? Spoiler alert: they're having financial problems.
Sceme 4: Cola is introduced to the Hext Family. "How nice to see some new faces!" Fiona Hext exclaims.
Cola is turned on by a semi-shirtlessC hunk with his lady, but Carrie warns her: "God, no, that's Matthias! Just a personal trainer, not rich. Ignore." Heterosexual identity established at Minute 11.
Left: Lincoln Younes plays Matthias the Personal Trainer, Gigolo, Drug Dealer, and Actor.
Dirt on the Hexts: "Christopher's family practically invented colonialism, and Fiona's Old Hong Kong money fueled it."
Scene 5: Eligible Bachelor is helping the Captain pilot the ship. Christopher Hext takes over and asks how things are going since the divorce. It must be rough. After all, he and Lian were together for 13 years. Don't get your hopes up -- Lian can be used for any gender, but 2/3rds of the time, it's a girl. And gay marriage is not permitted in Hong Kong, so he would have to establish residence somewhere else if Lian was a guy.
"You're right, I'm miserable. How are you doing?"
"Miserable, too."
More after the break
