"The Whale": Chub and fundy debate whether God hates gays. Plus chub and fundy dick

I accidentally clicked on The Whale on Netflix, forgetting that when you click, you don't get more information, it starts.  And I was eating a bagel, so I kept watching.

Scene 1: A bus drives through a wilderness of fields, with mountains in the background.  It stops to let someone out -- with no houses or buildings for miles around?

Cut to someone teaching "persuasive writing" in a Zoom room.  The students wonder why his camera isn't on.  No icon, either, just a black square that gets bigger and bigger.  Maybe he's a ghost.

Scene 2: The teacher, Charlie, at home.  He's a super-chub plus who needs a walker to get around, now masturbating to gay porn! Wheezing, clutching at his left arm, he begins grading a paper on Moby Dick. I thought he was having a heart attack.

A stranger played by Ty Simpkins, top photo, walks in, says "Oh my God," and asks if he need an ambulance.  No, still wheezing and clutching, he wants the stranger to read the Moby Dick essay to him.

Many people don't know that there is a gay couple in Moby Dick: Ishmael and Queequeg.  And a whale, ergo the title of the movie.

Reading it calms Charlie down.  He asks the stranger -- there to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ -- to retrieve his cell phone from beneath the couch.  Oh no, he's going to bash the guy to death.

Nope.  Just asks him to stick around while he calls his friend Liz, a nurse. 

Scene 3: Liz shows up, checks Charlie out, and complains that he should have gone to the hospital.  He has congestive heart failure. His blood pressure is 238/134.  Is that even possible?   

While he's in the bathroom, Liz talks to the God guy, Thomas.   He's from New Life; her father is on the church board.  She went when she was young, but she "fucking hated" the end-of-the-world bull*.  I get it; I grew up terrified that the Rapture would come at any moment, and I'd be left behind.  

By the way, Charlie hates New Life, too, because it killed his boyfriend -- her brother.  No doubt a suicide due to being indoctrinated into "God hates fags" ideology. So he doesn't need Thomas quoting the Book of Leviticus when he is about to die.  

They kick Thomas out.  Darn, I thought he would be a major character, and we'd get some people combating religious homophobia.  Maybe Charlie would help him come out. 

Scene 4: They argue about going to the hospital some more. Charlie still refuses.  They watch tv: The Idaho GOP presidential primary is tomorrow, with Ted Cruz leading, so this is March 7, 2016.

So, is there going to be any paranormal here at all?  Or at least a murder?  

I'm fast-forwarding.

Very limited setting -- everything takes place in Charlie's house, and there are only two more characters -- Charlie's estranged daughter, and the pizza delivery guy.  

Wait -- Thomas returns at minute 41.   Charlie is in the bathroom. The Estranged Daughter answers the door.

He says that Charlie wanted to hear about the New Life Church -- he kicked you out, dummy -- and brought some literature. 

"Oh, the end time cult thing.  All religion is bullshit. By the way, have some juice, and please come back again tomorrow."  Huh?  Does she like him?  Well, I guess he won't be coming out.

Daughter leaves, and Thomas starts badgering Charlie about the End Times.  Hey, maybe it will happen in the movie.  A Left Behind kind of thing.  

"There are a lot of clues in Scripture that suggest Christ is returning soon. I can't wait.  Everything bad in the world will be wiped clean." Like the gay people, right?

Then: "God brought me here for a reason. He wants me to save your soul." Being saved means not being gay anymore, of course.  

"There's something you can do for me," Charlie says.  Thomas thinks he means sex, and starts stuttering "I'm not...I mean..."  At least he doesn't start screaming. 

Charlie explains that he is not interested in that.  He likes big guys.

Liz comes in. "What the f*ck is he doing here?"  Getting a blow job, of course.

This is too problematic.  I'm getting triggered by evangelical homophobia.  I'll check wikipedia to see if Ty ends up coming out.

The answer, and Ty's dick, after the break. Caution: Explicit.

Bobby Hogan: From homophobic college to parody Spiderman, with some significant dicks in between

 

"The Lake," from Season 2 of  American Horror Stories, follows the recent American Horror Story pattern of minimizing or eliminating LGBT representation.  In the first scene, three hot guys and three bikini-clad girls are on a boat, discussing how heterosexual they are.  

Jake (Bobby Hogan) has a map of the village that was flooded to create their lake, so he and his sister dive down and look for souvenirs.  Suddenly a green tendril grabs him and pulls him into the muck.  He doesn't appear again, except as a corpse.  In fact, none of the cute guys appear again.  The story is all about sister Finn and her mother discovering the evil secret of the lake.

Heteronormativity or no, I wanted more than just one scene worth of Bobby Hogan's chest and abs, so I researched him on IMDB and his instagram, looking for beefcake and evidence that he is gay.

Not much biographical information.  On his Facebook, he says that he is from St. Louis and Chaminade College Preparatory School and Belmont University in Nashville.  Chaminade is Catholic, and Belmont is "Christ-centered," affiliated with the Southern Baptist Church until it broke away in 2007, and intensely homophobic. 

Bobby starred in Escape to Margaritaville, Footloose, and Johnny and the Devil's Box, and graduated with a BFA in Musical Theater in 2019.  

Wait -- 90% of musical theater guys are gay.  How does Belmont even allow a musical theater degree program?  Bobby must be gay or gay-friendly, but then why would he choose a homophobic college and listen to rants about how evil he or his fellow drama majors are?  I'm confused.

On WeAudition, advertising a service helping you run lines, develop a character, and so on, Bobby states that he moved to Los Angeles in the fall of 2020 to begin his film/tv career.  Unfortunately, it was the start of the COVID pandemic, so roles were scarce.  He has 10 listins on the IMDB, beginning in 2021 with The Superhero Diaries  

He plays a Parody Spiderman in 7 episodess.  I watched some clips on Youtube: a date with Harley Quinn, and serenading Wonder Woman.  Depressingly heteronormative, but he displays a nice physique and bulge.

After that, a lot of guest gigs:

Duncan in the 9-1-1 Lone Star episode "Red vs. Blue."  It's actually about a cops-firefighter baseball game, not red states vs. blue states.

 Marine Recruit #6 in the movie Manifest Evil. The trailer shows a man interacting with two women, yawn.

The American Horror Stories gig.

Trevor Logan on The FBI episode "Fortunate Son." A teen shows up at headquarters with a bag of fentanyl, and wants the gang to find out who killed his father.  To meet my n*de dude quota, the RG Beefcake and Boyfriends site has a frontal photo of John Boyd, who plays one of the agents, after the break

A soldier on the NCIS episode "Survival of the Fittest."  He is attacked by a genetic weapon.

Cole on SWAT

Joshua in Remy & Arletta, a Christian movie about two girls who are friends (not girlfriends).  A Christian movie?   Figures.

Two episodes on Chicago PD as Noah Gorman, a teenager who leaves home after his homophobic parents denounce him for being gay. He is kidnapped, but mom and dad don't care, it's what he deserves for turning evil.  He is found, badly beaten and traumatized, but won't say who the kidnapper was.  

Hank Voight, Jason Beghe, takes him in, since he has nowhere else to go.  In the next episode, he is kidnapped again and killed -- not in a hate crime, just a regular serial killer, but still an awful "bury your gays" moment.  If you are gay, you must die.

But at least Bobby had no problem with playing a gay character. 

I'm posting a shot of Jason Beghe's backside, and some potential Bobby dicks after the break.

Bug Hall: A lot of movies no one has seen, some homophobic rants, and an enormous penis

 I'm always conflicted about posting nude pictures of homophobic actors. There's a little frisson of guilt that comes from looking at the penis of someone who hates you, as if you are somehow encouraging him. On the other hand, imagine how upset he would be to find himself the object of homoerotic desire.

And, to be fair, it is huge.

In this case, I'm talking about Bug Hall, who hit the big screen in 1994. at the age of eight.  He played Alfalfa in The Little Rascals, a modernized version of the Our Gang comedy shorts of the 1930s.  Having already seen some of the shorts -- no, not in the 1930s -- I didn't watch, but I heard that Alfalfa falls in love with a girl.  At age eight.

The original Alfalfa, Carl Switzer, had a hard life after Our Gang, and was killed in a bar fight in 1959, at age 31. 

Bug Hall had a hard life after The Little Rascals, too. Far less successful kid movies followed: The Big Green, The Stupids, and The Munsters' Scary Little Christmas. I don't think anybody saw them.

He sprang into a heteronormative adolescence with Skipped Parts, 2000, about having sex with a girl.  I didn't see it, but there's a clip floating around the internet where the 14-year old is getting undressed in preparation for the sex, and becomes aroused.  I can't tell if it was scripted, or an accident.  Either way, you don't want to see it. 

More heteronormativity with Get a Clue, 2002, about two high school journalists who solve a mystery and fall in love.  I didn't see it, but I like the theme song, "Get a Clue," performed by Simon and Milo, an animated gay-subtext couple.

Get a clue, there's nothing you can't do.

Nothing's ever quite what it seems

Just look a little closer at me

Wake up, who knew, it's me, it's you, get a clue.

More sex in Footsteps and Arizona Summer, which I didn't see, and then a fizzing out into guest spots on tv dramas: Strong Medicine, Charmed, Cold Case, The O.C.

Bug runs away naked in The Day the Earth Stopped, 2008: "Hundreds of massive intergalactic robots appear in all of the world's major capitals with an ultimatum: Prove the value of human civilization or be destroyed."  Holy cow, that sounds awful.

It features a man and a woman falling in love -- heterosexual romance is the value of human civilization, get it? 

At this point, you're probably wondering if I've actually seen Bug Hall in anything. I'm wondering about that, too. 

American Pie Presents the Book of Love. No.

Camoflauge: "A troubled teen-aged boy is sent to a boot camp in a secluded forest where he must survive the horrifying disciplinary tactics of a demented camp counselor."  No, and the blurb writer forgot the first rule of writing: minimal use of stupid, superfluous adjectives.

More Bug after the break

Nathan Kress, Freddie from ICarly, grown up. Is he still homophobic? Is he still shy about showing his dick?

Many Nickelodeon shows of the 2000s had strong homophobic subtexts, and  ICarly (2007-2012) was one of the worst.  Miranda Cosgrove starred as Carly, who hosts an internet comedy show with her butch-but-straight buddy Sam (a girl) and nerd-next-door-with-a- stereotyped crush on her, Freddie (Nathan Kress).  

They are supervised by her wacky bi-subtext older brother, Spencer. 

 On the way, the contempt for gay men, or as Sam calls them, prancies, oozes out in joke after joke.  The most egregious is Spencer being chased down and arrested for appearing in public in a dress; cross-dressing has not been a crime in any American city since the 1970s.

I especially disliked Nathan Kress, amd not only for the horribly cliched "unrequited crush" plotlines.  As he bulked up, he steadfastly refused to permit beefcake photos.  To an extent, that's his choice: his body, his rules.  But when you choose a career that depends on displaying that body, and further set yourself up as a teen idol, you have a sort of obligation to your fans.

More annoying was his reason for failing to post beefcake: he was a way, way conservative fundamentalist of the "hating ten gays before breakfast" variety, and he didn't want girls and prancies getting ideas.

Today Nathan's instagram is full of wife-and-children pictures. 

Still hardly any beefcake, unless incorporated into the wife-and-kid pictures.

And he's still ultra-fundamentalist.

I wouldn't find this mug so annoying if I didn't know that Nathan's God is good only to heterosexuals.  

I don't know who the crazy looking friend is.

More Nathan after the break

David Boreanaz and Friends: A tortured vampire, a fundamentalist FBI agent, a homophobic ghost, and a porn video

 Born in Buffalo in May 1969, David Boreanaz graduated from Ithaca College with a degree in cinema in 1991 and moved to L.A. to start his film career. Instead, he found his way onto Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997-99).

Buffy Summers is The Slayer, the "one girl in all the world" with the power to kill the vampires, demons, and other evils who keep escaping from the hellmouth located in suburban Sunnydale, California, while trying to negotiate high school. 

Her scoobies include science nerd Xander (Nicholas Brendan, left); his girlfriend, a 1000-year old vengeance demon;  witch-in-training and eventual lesbian Willow; and  Willow's doomed, bury-your-gays girlfriend.

Not a lot of beefcake in the bunch, but the writers took care of that by giving Buffy lots of boyfriends, including two feuding vampires, the conflicted, tortured Angel (David Boreanaz, top photo), and the sassy punk rocker Spike (James Marsters).  

Literally tortured.  The writers kept trying to out-do themselves in thinking of creative ways to torture Angel.

I liked some of the adventures, such as when everyone in town had to sing instead of speak, or when grinning men who fed on fear started floating around.  And Buffy gave us two indispensable terms for analyzing tv shows, scoobies and Big Bad.  

The attitude toward LGBT people was a bit old fashioned.  Xander, upset because a lady demon rejected him, announces that he's going to go gay. Willow explicitly states that she was straight, but changed to gay.  Their handler shuts them all down, proclaiming that there's no time to worry about "orientations" when they're facing the most severe crisis of all time (every season).

In 1999  Angel left Sunnyvale, except for a few guest appearances, to start his own paranormal detective agency, in Angel (1999-2004).  His scoobies included Cordelia, a reformed high school Mean Girl; the half-demon Doyle (Glen Quinn),  and Wesley (Alexis Denisof, left), a "rogue demon hunter" -- at least in the first season.  Glen Quinn died, and there were many defections and replacements, doubtless because this was not a fun, tongue-in-cheek paranormal adventure.  

I had to keep watching due to a partner who was a big fan, but it got very, very dark.  Sure, Cordelia used to be a Mean Girl, but did that justify putting her through excruciating physical pain in every episode?  I insisted that he fast-forward past  the scene where Wesley's girlfriend spends five minutes dying, in the awareness that she has no soul, so she's headed for extinction. This is supposed to be entertainment?  F*k the Sadness. 

After Angel, David finally managed to break into movies.  I didn't see any of them, and probably won't.  These Girls (2005): high school girls blackmail a "slightly older hunk," who happens to be married, into having sex with them?  In 2005, David was 36.  But at least he gives us frontal and rear nudity.

Explicit David dick after the break

Under the Banner of Heaven: Murder and crisis of faith in a fundamentalist Mormon familiy with five brothers (and five dicks)

 Under the Banner of Heaven, a Hulu series about corruption in the LDS Church, was written and produced by Dustin Lance Black, who is gay, so there's bound to be some gay characters or subtexts.  Besides, who isn't interested in cute Mormon missionaries?  

Scene 1: Establishing shot of Salt Lake City.  Jeb (Andrew Garfield), a super clean-cut nuclear family Dad, is listening to "Let's Hear it for the Boy."  A gay anthem!  So the protagonist is gay?   His preteen daughters, who wear long pioneer dresses, ask him to do loving-father activities, like lasso them.  Wife, who wears a modern t-shirt and cut-off jeans, calls him to the phone.  He has to go to work, so everyone has to do the evening prayers early.

We hear all the prayers: for the Mormon missionaries (how about a visual?), for Church President Kimball, for Grandpa in heaven, and for an Easy-Bake Oven.  "Let's Hear it for the Boy" came out in 1982, and Spencer Kimball died in 1985, 

Scene 2: Continuing to pray, Jeb the Cop puts the siren on his car and heads to a house surrounded by yellow tape and police cars.  Inside: the tv on, bloody footprints, scattered toys, a dead lady, and something in a basinet that makes him say "Evil."  The dead lady's murder was not evil?    He goes out to the yard and arrests the bloody young man who happens to be walking around.

Scene 3:  At the police station, Jeb the Cop and his Gentile (Non-Mormon) Partner do the good cop-bad cop routine on the blood-splattered suspect, Allen Lafferty (Billy Howle), who happens to belong to one of the most important familiies of the Church.  He claims that for the last year, "peculiar men" dressed like Mormon prophets have been stalking his family, so no doubt they did it.  They are probably after his brothers and their wives and kids, too.

Left: Billie Howle, Dick #1

Scene 4: While they book and strip Allen, Jeb watches, flashing back to someone he saw at church (was this a flash of same-sex attraction?).  They send a squad car out to check on the only brother whose address Allen knows: the others all moved to hide from the humiliation of having a brother who left the Church.

Scene 5: Jeb is too disgusted to continue the interrogation, so his Gentile Partner continues alone.  Stunt casting: he's played by Gil Birmingham, a bodybuilder who appeared in Diana Ross's music video "Muscles" in 1982.

Allen: if you want to know who did, check out the Mormon saints.  

Flashback to his future wife Brenda winning runner-up in the Miss Twin Falls, Idaho contest in 1980, then going to Brigham Young University, to stay away from the "Democrats and crazies," and studying broadcast journalism.  She meets Allen at church.  

Back at the interrogation, Allen blames the Church on his wife's death: "My only regret is that I didn't drive her out of Zion (Salt Lake City) to protect her from our people."  

Scene 6:  Jeb the Cop continues to ruminate about how evil Allen is, to do that to a baby (and an adult?).  They're still having trouble tracking down the addresses of his brothers and their wives/kids, so Jeb calls his wife -- they went to church with the Lafferty family, so maybe she has some of the brothers' addresses.  

He returns to the interrogation: Jeb: "So, you despicable monster, was there anyone besides you who hated Brenda enough to do it?"  Allen:  Everyone hated her because she was so perfect."  Yeah, I heard that a lot in high school.

Scene 7: Flashback to Allen introducing Brenda to the family at a picnic. "Just don't say much," he warns. Patriarch Ammon (Christopher Heyerdahl, Dick #2) wants to know why she abandoned Twin Falls, Idaho for the evil Big City (Provo, Utah?).  There are an endless number of boisterous brothers, Stepford wives, and staring kids to meet. 

More Lafferty boys after the break