Tommy Nelson: Boyfriends, bromantic partners, crushes, and cocks

In my earlier profile of Tommy Nelson, star of My Friend Dahmer and Cat and Mouse, guest on The Righteous Gemstones and Better Call Saul, I noted that he married a woman in 2023.  Thus obviously straight, right?

Wait -- there are lots of bi/pan people in the world.  A closer look at Tommy's posts on social media reveals a lot of pre-marriage boyfriends or bromantic partners including Alex Wolff and a non-actor named Ryan.  Plus implications of getting down to business, maybe as a joke, maybe not.

1. Watching tv with a buddy in Fairborn, Ohio, a suburb of Dayton.  I can't tell who belongs to which leg, but they are obviously being intimate. Tommy tells his followers to "laugh."

2. Beer bottle placed strategically over his crotch to emulate an erection.  We've all done that to attract gay men, who always look at other men face-crotch-face.

3. Tommy's main man Ryan.  He invites his fans to invent "ship" names. Rymmy and Tyan sound too weird.

4. A younger Ryan mowing the lawn.

More after the break.  Caution: explicit

"A Man in Full" or "The Fullness of Man" or "Filling a Man." Whatever, it has a wild penis scene

 

While I am scrolling through my new photo feed, I am shocked to find two that are extremely explicit (after the break).  In the first, an older man wearing a suit catches a young man having anal sex with his boyfriend.  So Dad didn't know that he was gay?  In the second, the young man confronts the older man -- while fully aroused, and huge!

The caption says Tom Pelphrey, whom I've never heard of, in the movie A Man in Full.  It must have a gay theme -- gay men being accused of being "not really men," and all that.

Tom Pelphrey has 10,000 photos on the internet, but he usually looks much older, so this must be a movie from early in his career.  Probably European -- what American movie would show full arousal?

More research reveals that he starred in Ozark, but I can't tell which character.  An article in People says Perry Abbott, but a Reddit feed says that he was AMAZING as Ben.  The Ozark wiki mentions Ben, "a major antagonist in the third season," but not Perry Abbott, so People must be wrong.

Here's a long shot of Ben's butt.

Next I try to look up A Man in Full, but it's such a nonsensical title that I keep searching on A Full Man and The Fullness of Men instead.   When I finally get the title right, it's not an artsy European movie from the early 2000s, it's a tv series that dropped on Netflix in 2024!  Atlanta real estate mogul Charlie Croker, played by famous actor Jeff Daniels, goes bankrupt, and has to defend his empire. Isn't that, like, "Succession"?  

Jeff Daniels is best known for the adulation of 1990s stupidity Dumb and Dumber. Here he shows a bulge in Something Wild (1986).

Tom Pelphrey plays "Raymond Peepgrass" Ridiculous name! This guy is a voyeur of lawns?

Wikipedia doesn't say who he is, so I'm assuming from the photo, the rich guy's lawyer?  Why would he care if his lawyer is gay?

Looking for a photo of Croker and Peepgrass -- Peepgrass? --  together, I get the name of the series wrong again!

Reviews mention "a wild scene" and "a shocking scene," but fail to say what episode, so I surmise the last, "Judgment Day."  I fast forward to the very last scene of the series.

A peep at Peepgrass after the break. Warning: Explicit.

Hacks: Disgraced comedian decides to turn lesbian, gay leather dude spirals, and there are some jokes. With bonus Devon Sawa

 

I've been avoiding the recommendation of Hacks, on MAX, because the icon shows two ladies in bikinis, and who wants to watch a tv show about computer hackers in bikinis?  But yesterday I casually looked through the episode list, and saw what looked like a black guy at a gay leather bar.  

Not many black guys into leather -- in years of going to the Faultline in West Hollywood, I only met one.  So maybe this show is worth checking out after all.

Turns out that the title is a misdirection. Hacks is an obsolete term for writers who churn out incompetent but popular trash,  In this case, the hack is Deb Vance (Jean Smart), a Vegas lounge lizard trying to revise her snarky 80s-style standup for a more sensitive generation.  Her head writer and confidant, Ava, had her own standup career cancelled after an insensitive tweet.  I'm reviewing the gay leather bar episode, 2.4, "The Captain's Wife."

Scene 1: At a dusty farm, Deb is filming an infomercial, selling strange-looking socks. Her bus driver, Weed, keeps turning on the air conditioning. Her photographer, Damien, notes that she forgot the American flag print. "Stupid f*king American flag."  Lots of presumably gay characters here: Weed is played by a very butch Laurie Mecalf, and Damien by Mark Indelicato.

Head writer Ava wants to stay behind during Deb's upcoming gig on a gay cruise, because she's afraid of water, and can't swim.   "You're going. Wear a life jacket."

And forget all the sensitive nonsense: Deb's going to do her old stuff, the classics.  "The gays get me." 

Scene 2: Swishy guys in a club bathroom gossipping and snorting cocaine. Marcus  (Carl Clemons-Hopkins, below) puts on a business suit: it's 7:00 am, and he has a breakfast meeting across town.  I remember staying at a sex club all night.  They put out a breakfast buffet at 6:00 am.  They ask him to stick around for his mental health.  He refuses, but he lets them score some of his addies (Adderall, a stimulant used to treat ADHD).

Scene 3: Boarding the cruise ship, Deb wonders why there are so many ladies in line. Famous comedian Margaret Cho, the last cruise's headliner, is just leaving. She tells Deb that the audience was mediocre, but the gay sex was great.

"Wait -- I thought this was a gay cruise."

"It is.  A lesbian cruise."

Uh-oh.  Gay men love Deb, but lesbians hate her.  She doesn't understand why. Ava suggests "the hundreds of thousands of jokes at their expense that you've told over the years."

Scene 4: At the cruise ship bar, Ava is approached by a grabby, hand-kissing, way over-eager lady horndog. She's not actually freaked out.  I wonder if she is a lesbian, too? Wikipedia lists a girlfriend and a boyfriend. 

Meanwhile, Deb calls her agent, Jimmy (Paul W. Downs), to complain about booking her on a lesbian cruise.   He's busy working on a residency -- a permanent casino gig.  "How about Terrible's Casino?"  "No way -- too far from the Strip."  

There actually was a Terrible's Casino, though I can't imagine why someone would choose that name.  It closed in 2020.

Next Deb chides Ava for having fun instead of writing some lesbian jokes.  "You speak lesbian, right?  Cause you're half?"  I don't know what that means. Maybe a lesbian mother and a straight father? 

Scene 5: Back in Vegas, Marcus, the gay leather bar guy, gets home to find two middle aged ladies on his couch. One is his mother.  "What are you doing here?" he asks angrily. "I told you I needed to get work done today." They came to pet his dog and upbraid him for spending all night at the club. He yells at them for trying to control his life.  

Scene 6: Ava is trying to dump someone's ashes into the ocean, when a lady approaches to flirt and ask her to the "She-ano Bar."   Cut to Ava getting ready, telling Deb about the Olympic athlete on board. Girlfriend going to get her some lady jocks.  She invites Deb to come along as her wing-person.  Nope, but Deb is willing to fix her outfit.

As they are bonding, Ava wants to know: with all her jokes about how terrible sex with men is, has Deb ever considered being with a woman?  "Nope.  I like men.  I wish I was gay, because it would be a hell of a lot easier."  Are you crazy, lady?  Let's start with your Sunday school teacher telling you that God hates you, and work our way forward.

Ava calls her out on her straight entitlement, and Deb agrees that it might not have been easier to like girls -- back when she was a kid in the 1960s. But she got a crush on John Lennon of The Beatles and never looked back.

"But why do you like men?"  I was asked that a lot, back when coming out meant a barrage of stupid questions. You like who you like, idjit. You don't have any control over it.

Ava concedes that "your sexuality is not a choice," but Deb still should try to figure out why she is straight.  "Maybe you aren't really attracted to men, you're attracted to their power." 

Scene 7: Convinced to try it out, Deb goes to the She-ano bar and cruises some lesbians.  The next morning, everyone at the breakfast buffet is friendly, and she has embraced lesbians as a potential audience: "They love women, and I'm a fabulous woman." 

Left: Former teen heartthrob Devon Sawa, whom Deb has sex with in another episode. 

Scene 8: Marcus at the club, dancing his butt off with his swishy friends He's dressed as a BDSM bottom, but it's not a leather bar, it's an old-style gay disco. 

He runs into Wilson -- according to wikipedia, his ex-boyfriend.  The breakup has resulted in his downward spiral.  He wanted to call and say "I love you," but he's blocked all of Wilson's social media profiles and deleted his number.  Wilson is concerned about his drug use, but doesn't want to get back together.

More Deb and a lot of Devon after the break

Ten nude dudes from rejected reviews, from Matt Bomer to Tom Goodman-Hill

I find potential movies and tv shows to review on my streaming service recommendations, the social media of actors I follow, and if I have just completed a profile of someone, like Cory Chapman or Michael Provost, their work on the IMDB.  If the premise is interesting, or there are two guys together on the icon, I might just click "play," but usually there's some research involved.

Do the episode synopses mention a same-sex friendship or rescue?  Is there minimal man-woman kissing in the trailer?  Are there any beefcake or nude photos of the male cast members?  

Sometimes I collect nude photos for illustrations, and then decide against the review after reading a plot synopsis or Rotten Tomatoes score, or after watching for a few minutes.  The result is a folder full of naked guys from rejected reviews.  I hate to delete them, so I'm posting them for their aesthetic value.

1. Adam Rayner in Tyrant: An American family drawn into the politics of a fictional Middle Eastern nation.  A gay guy eventually comes out and finds a boyfriend, who is killed,  I don't do the Bury Your Gays trope.  Next!

2. I was planning a review of "The Unicorn and the Wasp," a Doctor Who episode with gay characters, so I searched for "Christopher Tennant." 

"Christopher Benjamin" popped up,  nude on stage doing The Fairy Queen. But the full-sized photo was behind a pay wall, so I tried someone else in the cast, Robert Burt.

Except this isn't Robert Burt the stage actor. The link goes to a set of pictures illustrating the works of poet Robert Hamberger, models unknown. 

3. Turns out that the Doctor I was looking for was actually played by David Tennant.  A new search on "David Tennant" yielded Harry Lawtrey in Industry.

The British drama about job applicants in a finance firm had two gay characters, but the opening sequences were boring, so no review.  Next!

4. A reader recommended The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare for its buddy-bonding and beefcake.  As of this writing it's in theaters only, so I scanned its cast list and found Hero Fiennes Tiffin -- great name -- which led me to The Loneliest Boy in the World.  The boy appears to be falling in love with a boy zombie.   But it's not available on any of my streaming services. Next!

5. Depressing disease-of-the-week medical dramas are usually a resounding "No!", but The Good Doctor had a gay character played by Noah Galvin, so I researched him.  A former Hasidic Jew, conflicted, confused, self-doubting, guilt ridden, who finally gets a boyfriend -- only to have him killed on the day they become engaged.  

Before I noped out of there, I found some nude photos of Noah Galvin's real-life boyfriend, Ben Platt

More nude dudes after the break

Michael Provost: Perennial heterosexual boyfriend with some nude pics and maybe a coming out video

Now I'm collecting Michaels.  

Remember the butts identified as "Michael Provost" in the Gavin Munn photo collection?  I did some research, and discovered that he is an actor born in 1998, in Atlanta or Bridgeport, Connecticut, depending on who you believe, known for Insatiable, The Holdovers, Lucifer, and Fear Street.  

Also he's apparently gay.  TikTok has a number of videos dedicated to "Michael Provost" coming out.  So let's check for gay roles or subtexts.

The Case for Christ (2017). Probably not.

Lucifer Episode 4.8 (2019).  Reformed Big Bad Amenadiel(D.B. Woodside) mentors Michael's Nate Mifflin, whose parents are divorcing. Nope.

Insatiable (2018-19): a girl who is bullied for being fat becomes thin and sets out to get revenge and win a beauty pageant Bob Armstrong(Brett Rice), her beauty pageant mentor, has a long, slow, painful coming-out. and begins dating long-term antagonist Bob Barnard  (Christopher Gorham).  

Michael plays Brick Armstrong, Bob's son, who is heterosexual: he has an affair with an older woman before settling down with the formerly-fat girl.  He does get several semi-nude and rear nudity scenes.

Saving Zoe (2019).  A girl named Echo and her boyfriend, Michael, investigate the murder of her older sister.  Nope.

Most Guys are Losers (2020). College boy Michael seeks the approval of his girlfriend's dad, who wrote a book, Most Guys are Losers.  Nope.

Plan B: When a girl's crush, Michael, leaves a party with another girl, she gets even by having sex with a loser, and has to track down a Plan B, post-coitus contraceptive, before she gets pregnant. There's a lesbian character, but Michael is straight.

Fear Street:Two sisters at a summer camp in 1978.  One has sex with Michael.  

It's not looking good so far.  I'll just check one more.

The Holdovers (2023). "Holdovers" are people who have to stay at a fancy prep school during the 1970  Christmas holiday: A cranky Classics teacher, a grieving cook, and some students, including jock Jason (Michael).  Two youtube guys with the bizarre name "the gay homosexuals" promise spoilers, but the first 10 minutes of their 30-minute review didn't reveal any gay subtexts. But Jason gets a girlfriend, quite a feat in an all-boy school.

More Michael after the break.  Warning: Explicit

"The People We Hate at Weddings": Two sisters and their mum find love, the gay guy doesn't and there's only one penis

  

The 2017 novel The People We Hate at the Wedding is about a wealthy British girl, Eloise, hoping to reconcile with her two American half-siblings, Alice and Paul, by inviting them to her lavish wedding.  Paul is gay, complete with longsuffering boyfriend. 

 Knowing how much Hollywood loves to straighten gay characters, I watched the 2022 movie version on Amazon Prime to make sure that Paul stays gay.

Scene 1: Various childhood antics of the half-siblings, including a disastrous Santa Claus-sitting with a very cute, harried harried Elf photographer (Brandon Johnston, left).

Scene 2: The young adult Alice, who works at a small desk in a big office, checks her mail: the invitation to her half-sister Eloise's wedding!   She calls her brother, Paul (Ben Platt), who works at some sort of counseling center, to see if he got one.  Yep.  "But We're not going.  We hate her!"  

Scene 3: The siblings' Mom tries on clothes and plot-dumps on the sales clerk: Her husband is dead, so her romantic life is over (she'll find love by Act 2). Also, her kids aren't going to Eloise's wedding because they hate her.

Scene 4: At work, Alice gets summoned by the Boss (Jorma Taccone), to screw in the supply closet, followed by lunch.  Jonathan wonders if she just likes him for his money.  "Of course not.  I like you for your dick."  

Scene 5: Paul is out with a straight guy(Randall Park) and three femme, double-entendre-spouting gay guys (Greg Barnett, Karan Soni, Pedro Minas), who brag about the new guy they've added to their threesome. Wait -- they are already a threesome, aren't they?

Three guys doing gay stuff together!  Paul is sick of gay hypersexuality and flamboyance, so he hangs back to talk to the straight guy. So this Paul is straight, too? 

 Then they all go to see King Lear.  At the line "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!," Mom texts Paul, asking him to please come to the wedding. 

Scene 6:  Alice drops Boss off at his house, pretending to be an Uber driver so his wife doesn't get suspicious.  He wants a permanent relationship, so he's going to ask for a separation -- sometime.  Wife comes out of the house carrying a baby, making Alice feel guilty.

Scene 7:  Paul in bed with his boyfriend, discussing their disapproval of the three-way relationship. Wait -- he was one of the flamboyant three-way guys.  I'm confused.   

All they do is hug and chat, but I guess that's enough to make Paul canonically gay at Minute 14.

Paul explains why he hates his Mom: after his dad died, she threw out all of his stuff, and never mentioned him again.  Boyfriend talks him into the wedding anyway, because it's in London.  Ugh!  London is my least favorite city in Europe. I've visited 5 or 6 times, and never had a positive experience. 

Scene 8:  Alice watches her boss/boyfriend living a public life without her and decides to go to the wedding after all.  Then she goes into his office and slips off her underwear -- just as the housekeeper shows up.  Hey, the housekeeper is D'Arcy Carden, who starred with Kristen Bell in The Good Place!  I wonder who else from that show will appear.  Maybe Ted Danson?

Scene 9:   Paul at work.  He mentioned that he doesn't like scones, so the Boyfriend sent him a scone basket to be mean. Mom calls; he hangs up on her.  

Next, the Counseling Center boss, Dr. Goulding (Tony Goldwyn), found security-cam footage of him hugging a patient after an emotional breakthrough. Inappropriate!  A month of unpaid leave!  Now Paul has no choice but to go to the wedding. 

I'm bored.  I'll fast-forward to the good parts.

On the plane to London, Alice has a meet-cute with Love Interest #1 (Dustin Milligan, left). 

There's an establishing shot that doesn't show the Tower Bridge or the Eye in the Sky!  

We see Rich Sister  Eloise is in bed with her fiancee, Ollie (John Macmillan).  Nice chest shot.

Alice decides to bring Love Interest  to the wedding as her plus-one.  They have sex on the floor of their palatial hotel room, next to the bed. Nice chest shot.

Later he dumps her: "You have everything that any sane man would want, but you don't want a sane man."  So gay men are insane?  Or did you forget that gay men exist?  

More Love Interests and at least one cock after the break

The Santa Clarita Diet Episode 1.1: Witty dialogue, zombies, Skyler Gisondo, and bare butts

 Someone on a fan board said that Skyler Gisondo's character on The Santa Clarita Diet, Eric Bemis, is gay, but after a glance at the fan wiki, I can't see how.  He has a will-they-or-won't-they romance going on with Abby, the daughter of the zombified Sheila Hammond,  that lasts through three seasons before becoming canonical in the series finale; plus he has sex with other women and  female zombies.  But I'm game, so I'll review the first episode. 

Scene 1: Establishing shots of the stereotypic "idyllic" Santa Clarita. Heterosexual husband Joel awakens and sniffs Sheila, signaling how aroused he is, but she only likes to do it in a romantic setting -- no "humping."  

Anyway, time for breakfast: toast and a green liquid. They have two different conversations without interacting with each other. Teenage daughter Abby enters and demands a car, because they live in the middle of "freakin' nowhere."  I know the feeling.

Suddenly Sheila keels over with sharp pain in her stomach.  Abby wants to know if she's dying, but she insists that it's food poisoning. 

Scene 2: As everyone leaves for the day, they run into snoopy heterosexual neighbor Dan (Ricardo Chavira, left), and his wife.  They want to know why the light in the study was on all night; didn't Dan and Sheila have sex?  No, Sheila couldn't sleep, if it's any of his business. 

Dan points out that he's in the L.A. Sheriff's Department, far superior to the "dickless" cops, like Rick (Richard T. Jones, below), who happens to be walking by with his wife and baby.  Geez, they are establishing that everyone is heterosexual at first introduction.  What are they afraid of?  

Dan calls Rick "honeybunch," suggesting that he is a woman because he has such a feminine job.  Being a cop is feminine?  Then: "Suck me!", an insult, because of course gay sex would be terribly humiliating.

The men all leave, while Dan's kid Eric (Skyler Gisondo, top photo), in his Mom's car, gazes wistfully at Abby.  Mom tell her, "He worships you.  You're the queen of his spank bank."  So much for Eric being gay. Wait -- did his mom just tell his crush that he masturbates while thinking about her?  How would she know?  Why would she think this information was important to share?

She then invites Sheila for a girl's night out which may or may not involve "banging dudes."  Sheila refuses.

Are we done introducing the heterosexual characters yet?  I'm getting bored.

Scene 3: Whoops, more players.  They're really piling on the cast: A realtor, Sheila runs afoul of her mean-tempered, sexually-harassing boss and Gary West (Nathan Fillion, left), her new coworker. "Sell the Peterson house!  Do it today!" 

Scene 4: Sheila and Joel showing the house to a heterosexual couple. Disgust alert: suddenly she throws up green gunk. Joel pushes the couple into continuing the tour, and Sheila goes to the bathroom to vomit.  

When the couple finally manages to leave, Joel checks: Sheila is unconscious in a bathroom splattered with green gunk.  No pulse: dead.  Joel hugs her and says "no" while grinning enthusiastically.  Now he can call off the hit man? But she awakens and feels fine.

Scene 5: They've been waiting at the Emergency Room for three hours, due to being low priority ("Your wife threw up."),  Joel gives up and drives Sheila home. She sniffs him.  Weird -- a lot of sniffing in this show.

Gary, their new coworker, appears with get-well flowers.  He called a cleaning crew to take care of the mess in the house.  Sheila thanks him; Joel is jealous and possessive.

When she leaves, Gary reveals that the homeowners disliked their house being vomited on, and fired Sheila and Joel. They will be working with him now.  Listing poaching -- the biggest sin in realty.

More after the break

Two questions about Paul Mescal: Does he appear in anything good? And: it is ok to post cock pics?

 

Paul Mescal was born in Maynooth, Ireland, about 30 minutes west of Dublin.  He graduated from Trinity College in 2017, and went to work in the theater, getting roles in The Great Gatsby, The Plough and the Stars, A Midsummer Night's Dream, A Streetcar Named Desire and A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man. 

 In 2020 he broke into television with a starring role in Normal People, about two Trinity College undergrads in love.

Wait -- why are they "normal people"?  Do they have some marginalized trait, like being autistic? Reading the description, it doesn't sound like it. Marianne is rich and outspoken, Paul an A-list athlete. Sounds like "Love Story." The only conflict I can see is that they both have friends who would oppose the match, so they have to keep it a secret.  I guess "normal" just means being heterosexual, as opposed to gay.

Apparently the two have a lot of sex, with long scenes of them being languid in each other's arms afterwards, so if you can find some way to crop the girl out, you can get a lot of dick pics. 

But wait -- Buzzfeed News tells us that "Paul Mescal just called out a woman who made him "really angry" by telling him she'd seen him naked and saved a nude screenshot." 

The woman approached him in a bar and said: "I didn’t think the show was any good, but I saw your willy and I have a photo!”

His response: “Truly gross. What is a person supposed to reply to something like that?  That's fucking rude!"

I can understand his reaction: you haven't seen the actor naked, you've seen the character he is portraying.  Besides, even if you did see someone's dick without an invitation, like in the urinals or the locker room, why would you brag to them about it?  It would be like saying "I'm stalking you."

But he brings up a question: is seeing an actor's penis on screen substantially different from seeing his face, or his bare chest?  The aesthetic appeal of the actor's face and physique adds to our enjoyment of the movie, in some cases quite a lot.  But does the penis move the scene away from the aesthetic into the erotic?  And is that inappropriate?

I don't think so.  An actor's work can be enjoyed on many levels.  Faces and physiques can be quite erotic, and a penis has aesthetic appeal.  Viewers can enjoy an image in many ways, for what it reveals about the character, for its placement in the narrative, for its symbolic value, because it is beautiful, or because it is hot. Especially with the girl cropped out.

Next question: Does Paul star in anything good? That is, with gay characters, gay subtexts, or an intriguing premise, and minimal red flags like terminal illness.

Normal People is out.  I'm turned off by the implication that being heterosexual is "normal," so being gay is "abnormal."  Besides, it's just a collegiate romance.  We've seen hundreds of them.  

According to the IMDB, Paul next appeared in four episodes of The Deceived, 2020: A university student falls in love with her prof, who may have killed his wife.  Paul's character is in love with her. Looking for gay content, I found a reference to a subplot on a discussion board, but nothing about it appears in reviews. Nope.

The Lost Daughter, 2021: A university professor on holiday in Greece remembers being a "selfish and unnatural" mother who had an affair and abandoned her family.  Yuck.

God's Creatures, 2022. "In a windswept fishing village, a mother is torn between protecting her beloved son and her own sense of right and wrong"  I'm looking for something interesting, innit?

More Paul after the break

"The Ropes": An unreliable-narrator Rashomon about nightclub bouncers. Take careful notes. There are some dicks, too

 

I was looking for some tv shows starring Joel Rush, and found The Ropes, a quickly-canned tv series based on Vin Diesel's early job as a bouncer.  Well, maybe there would be some beefcake. 

Problems: It was impossible to research among 1,300 other series called The Ropes, On the Ropes, and Learn the Ropes.   

It was available on Amazon Prime, but not if you used the Prime Search window -- you had to go through Google.  Even after buying an episode.  

More problems: Nonlinear narration, with people describing an event that happened earlier, then seeing the event from different points of view, and seeing the consequences of the event, but in jumbled order. 

Some of the guys are black/speaking in a stereotyped jive accent, and some are white/speaking in a stereotyped Guido accent, but within those categories, they look, talk, and behave exactly alike. This makes it very difficult to figure out who belongs to what plotline.  But for the sake of a review I'll try to piece it together.

The illustrations are whatever beefcake or nude photos I could find of the actors, in no particular order: Gonzalo Menendez, F. Valentino Morales, Brian Ahern, Brian Hooks, Joel Rush, Danny Abeckaser, Shawn Woods, Robert Ervin, Ramses Jiminez.  Plus a couple of random photos of guys with big dicks.

Setting: A very sleazy nightclub in New York, where they have both ladies dancing on poles and illegal gambling.  A squad of seven or more bouncer/security guards, whom the Boss calls "ladies" although they're actually men, is on patrol every night.

 Big Vic's Story:  Big Vic, who has the biggest dick in New York City, is infinitely attractive to every woman in the world.  He asks the lady bartender to have sex with him; she agrees. On the same night, or on another night, he's working the door, and lets in a girl who claims to be a model, but rejects the guy she's with.  He asks if she wants to have sex; she does.

While he is having sex with one or the other the bathroom, someone knocks on the door, saying that he's needed at the bar.  He ignores them.

Later, or on a different night, he goes out into the alley, and sees a sleazoid trying to push an unwilling lady into a taxi.  He intervenes and sends the guy away. Then her friend arrive and accuses Big Vic of taking advantage of her!  They drive away.

Uh-oh, a whole gang of bad dudes rushes into the alley to try to kill him! He's got the biggest cock in New York, not the biggest muscles.  He tries to fight them off, but they prepare to beat him to death when...

A smaller guy wearing a suit rushes in and annihilates them!  Big Vic is not happy to get his life saved by a nerd -- it's a major blow to his masculinity.  Then the nerd asks "Are you Vic Pendejo?" Har-har, pendejo means "asshole" in Spanish!  Big Vic angrily orders him to leave.

Ralphie's Story: One night Ralphie is screwing a lady in the Trash Room (no beefcake, but we see her butt).  And she accidentally butt-phones her Man, so he and his homies show up to kill him.  Big Les, working the front door, pulverizes them, but now they want revenge on him!  They return the next night, mistake Big Vic for Big Les, and attack. I guess people in-universe have trouble distinguishing the guys, too.

Later, the Boss complains that Ralphie is too feminine, and takes him off bouncer duty.  

The Kid's Story:  One night a Kid shows up at the front door just as they open.  Big Les, who happens to be working, won't let him in: no action so early anyway.  "Come back in two hours."

Two hours later, the Kid is waiting in a line that goes around the block.  They've reached capacity, so no one else gets in that night.  

He doesn't want to get in, he just wants to apply for a job, so he cuts line and asks Big Lou what to do. Yes, this is a different character, actually named "White Lou."    Big Lou sends him to the back door, where Big Vic is working, and tells him to ask for "Vic Pendejo," knowing that he'll get annihilated.   Instead, he sees "Pendejo" in trouble, being beaten to death by some thugs, and intervenes. 

Big Vic is so impressed that he offers him a job as his "intern."  All of the side deals at the club -- the drugs, hookers, whatever -- will go through the Kid.  For a salary, he'll get some of the bribes and "some ass."  Presumably girls, or is Big Vic offering his own?  

Rashomon after the break

"Bumper in Berlin" Episode 1.3: Bumper saves the day by doing everything wrong. With bonus Til Schweiger nudity.

I don't usually review two episodes of the same series, but I'm trying to figure something out. Bumper in Berlin has no gay male characters, limited beefcake, and frequent discussions of the hotness of ladies.  Those should be red flags.  So why is this series my favorite Adam Devine vehicle (including that darn Gemstone thing)?   This is a review of Episode 1.3,  "Verschlimmbessern": to make things worse while trying to make them better.

Scene 1: An ornate concert hall.  Bumper (Adam Devine), the American a capella singer who has come to Germany to become a star, and Heidi, his Love Interest, begin singing the Shaggy song "It Wasn't Me,"  Suddenly the stage goes dark; Heidi collapses, stabbed in the back  She's dying. Bumper has betrayed her by claiming that the song she wrote was his, and thus stealing her future.  And his hands are feet?  He awakens -- just a nightmare!

Scene 2: Bumper meets Heidi at the coffee cart and tries to make it up to her by -- buying her coffee?  He explains that he needed an impressive song to be selected to perform at Unity Day and become a star. Heidi isn't angry, just very disappointed.

Manager Pieter (Flula Borg) has bad news: his ex-girlfriend Gisela, who is competing with Bumper for the Unity Day spot, is doing a big show in Friederickstadt.  In order to stay competitive, he got Bumper a gig performing "his" song on Sour Pickles: a talk show where the guests eat sour pickles.

Bumper tries to make things right with Heidi by refusing to sing the song: it "sucks."  Wait -- Heidi wrote it.  She glares at him.  "Oh, the song is great, but it sucks."  Digging yourself deeper, Buddy.  You got some Verschlimmbessern going on.

Scene 3: On the way to the Sour Pickles studio -- the sign is in English -- Bumper complains to his ally, DJ Das Boot: "I did a bad thing, but I apologized. Why is Heidi still mad? It's not fair."  And by the way "Boot" means  "boat" in German, not the English "boot." 

DJ Das Boot: "You're only interested in making yourself feel better.  Try thinking of someone else's feelings." 

Scene 4:  Bumper and DJ Das Boot perform the song, while Heidi looks on forlornly.  The hosts, played by famous German actors Til Schweiger and Moritz Bleibtrue, cheer.  

Next, it's time to eat increasingly sour pickles while answering questions.  Uh-oh, the hosts twist his words around while he's distracted by the pickles.  First: Bumper admits that he didn't write the song, Heidi did.  Then, that his manager Pieter lied to get him to come to Germany.  Back story: Pieter used a sound machine during an a capella performance, destroying his career and branding him the second-greatest shame in German history. 

Bumper changes the subject to how much he likes Germany, especially the hottie Angela Merkle, whom he would love to twerk-le.  The hosts pretend to be scandalized at the disrespect to the former Chancellor, but actually they love seeing their guests get "into a pickle."  

Scene 5: Back at the office, everyone discusses what a mess Bumper made of his interview.  Shouldn't they have known that the show was about getting people to say the wrong thing?  Pieter's scandal will be revived, DJ Das Boot will be the laughing stock of the DJ community, and Heidi will never be able to sell a song again: "I'm going to have to go on German unemployment.  How am I supposed to survive on just 90,000 euros a year?"

Scene 6: A "scary adult preschool" abandoned factory-art gallery.  Heidi arrives for a date with DJ Das Boot, who criticizes her obsession with planning out every detail in her life: "I don't even know how I'm going to end this sentence."

To cure Heidi of her fear of the unexpected, DJ Das Boot says "Give me a tattoo.  Anything you want."  Heidi protests that she doesn't know how, but who cares?  This is really wacky date.  You ladies ever hear of dinner and a movie? 

She draws a smiley face on DJ Das Boot's shoulder.  "See -- you weren't prepared. You can't fix it.  But you survived!"

Scene 7: Bumper and Manager Pieter want to talk the Sour Pickle hosts into not airing the episode, but the security guard won't let them in.  So Heidi and DJ Das Boot try: the security guard lets them in with no challenge. 

Meanwhile, the guys sit in a bar, being gloomy.  Pieter asks Bumper to save himself,  pretend that lying was all Pieter's idea, but Bumper won't betray his friend.  Awww.... 

The girls arrive: yep, the Sout Pickle guys agreed to pull the episode.  All Pieter has to do is give an interview about his ex-girlfriend Gisela's involvement in his a capella scandal.  Pieter admits that, in fact, it was Gisela's idea, but they were dating, so he took the fall.  She dumped him soon afterwards.

So -- tell the truth, repair your reputation, get over your ex, and damage the career of their main competitor for the Unity Day gig. Plus she deserves it -- she's evil. Sounds great!  Problem: Pieter still loves her, and doesn't like the idea of hurting her.

More Bumper and a lot of Til Schweiger after the break

Michael Yerger: Bragging incessantly about being heterosexual while doing gay porn.

While looking for beefcake photos of Joel Rush, I stumbled upon lookalike Michael Yerger, center:born in 1998 in Knoxville, appeared on the reality shows Survivor and Survivor: Ghost Island  in 2018, now a real estate broker and model,  represented by DT Model Management.  

He's bulked up a bit since 2018.

The first photos I saw of him were nudes, for gay sites like MMScene and Instinct. 

 First a rather tame semi-dick shot.

And a side-view, covering his cock.

More after the break

"Splitting Adam": Tony Cavalero helps Jace Norman win the Girl of His Dreams. With the stars All Grown Up.

 

While looking through Tony Cavalero's work on the IMDB, I noticed that he had a major role in Nickelodeon's Splitting Adam (2015) -- which make sense, as he was a Nickelodeon staple, starring as the zany music teacher Dewey in School of Rock.  The reviews say that Splitting Adam is awful. and it's not on any of my streaming services, so I'll have to pay for it.  But first the trailer, to check for heterosexism and gay subtexts.

Scene 1: Jace Norman of Henry Danger dances with a girl, wakes up, delivers newspapers,  gets yelled at by a gay-stereotype poof and his pocket dog, gets cheered on by a girl, and gets hit with a golf ball. The Narrator complains that he doesn't have enough time to do everything he needs to do. 

Scene 2: Crash and Splash Amusement Park.  A swimming pool Tootsie Roll, Jace getting yelled at by Jack Griffo and his girlfriend, Jace and his buddy Amar M. Wooten in a dunking booth.  We see that hoary old cliche of the Girl of His Dreams walking in slow motion, waving her hair. 

Top photo: the grown up Jack Griffo.

Scene 3: Amar advises Jace that he doesn't have enough prestige to impress The Girl.  Shot of him holding a yellow barrel over his crotch in the swimming pool. Griffo agrees: "You can barely keep your shorts on."  Is that a sexual double entendre?

Left: recent photo of the grown-up Amar.

Scene 4: Uncle Magic Mitch, a professional stage musician played by Tony Cavalero, arrives in his purple van and shows the guys his new -- tanning bed?  That night Jace sees it glowing, investigates, and accidentally falls in.  Zap! 

In the morning, there's a clone in the house, fully self-aware: "I'm here to help you."  He cooks breakfast. 

Scene 5: Magic Mitch, not to be confused with Magic Mike, is happy with the clone because he made chocolate chip pancakes.   Jace's two friends, Amar and Seth Isaac Johnson, hug each other in terror.  

Scene 6: In the tree house, Jace's friends, whose sole reason for existing is to facilitate getting him laid, devise a plot to use the clones.  They each have different personalities; the Girl is bound to like one of them. Zap! Zap!   

Scene 7: Shot of Jace and two clones, in disguise, entering the amusement park.  Magic Mitch performs. Jack Griffo snarls: "To get to her, you have to go through me!"  

Scene 8: Jace's clones are: the Sensitive One; The Party Boy; Mr. Responsible; Mr. Perfect; and goofball Winston.  Montage of several meeting or hanging out with The Girl,  She complains: "Every time I see you, you seem like a different person."

Scene 9: Of course she prefers the original.  Boy-girl hug. Uncle Magic Mitch tells him: "That's where the magic happens."

Moral: Be yourself.

Beefcake: These are all little kids, but there may be some hunkoids in the swimming pool scene. 

Heterosexism: Of course. The whole plot arc is about winning the Girl of Your Dreams.  We even get tips on how to do it.

Gay Stereotypes: The guy with the pocket dog. Sensitive Jace, although he's obviously heterosexual.

Magic Mitch Questions: Does he know that the tanning bed is a clone machine?  Why is he the sort-of responsible adult -- where are Jace's parents?  Does he get a girlfriend?  The movie probably clarifies things.

Will I Watch: Heck, no.

Grown-up Jace after the break