Mason Cook: The "Speechless" star turns bohemian-hipster, and shows us his biceps and dick

 

You're probably most familiar with Mason Cook as Ray DiMeo, sarcastic younger brother of focus character JJ (Micah Fowler) on Speechless (2015-18).  JJ has cerebral palsy and is nonverbal, "speechless."

Ray gets a lot of gay subtext plotlines, at least in Season 1.  In Season 2, he becomes annoyingly hetero-horny, and eventually gets a serious girlfriend. 

Ray's sudden movement into hetero-horniness was disturbing not only because the gay teases were overturned, but because of the "discovering girls" rhetoric. Mason is over 18 at the time, but his character is 15.  When I was 15, all I ever heard was "You'll discover girls any moment now, and everything you love will become meaningless. You'll join clubs, take classes, choose your college solely in order to see or meet girls. Your buddies will become mere strategists, helping you find, impress, and win girls. You..."

Sorry for the rant, but I really felt betrayed by Ray DiMeo in the second season.  

So you may wonder why I'm posting a profile on Mason Cook

Not because of his gay or gay-subtext performances.

Born in 2000

Guest star in teencoms like Zeke and Luther

Son of the focus charater in the crime drama Legends

Classmate of the focus character on The Middle

 An "eccentric, devout Christian" who has sex with the focus girl, sending her rushing for a "morning after pill," in Plan B.  This was nominated for a GLAAD award because a major character is trans, but Mason is straight.

Not because of his physique.  

The few shirtless photos on Mason's social media suggest that he doesn't spend a lot of time at the gym.

Although he has developed some biceps recently.

Not because of his handsomeness.  

His clean-cut all-American look was sort of cute, but his recent greasy-hair hipster-bohemian look is off-putting

Not because he is gay in real life.

Mason appears to be more LGBTQ-friendly than his fershugenen Speeechless character. Here he invites his fans to "stand up against bullying in the LGBT community" on Spirit Day. 

But in his social media pages, he's hugging girls a lot, and proudly displaying their cleavage, as if to brag: "I get to touch those!"  He has been photographed on dates with several people identified as "girlfriends."  

So, not extraordinarly handsome or built, not a lot of gay or gay-subtext roles, straight in real life, and his Ray DiMeo was upsetting.  Why am I doing a profile of this guy?

Because I was left "speechless" upon discovering videos of Mason showing fans his "joie de vivre" 

More after the break. Caution: explicit.

"The Way Home": Witchcraft, demonic beings, and curses are promised, family drama is delivered. With Sharma's abs and MacPherson's penis.

 I love time travel stories, so I was drawn to The Way Home (2025-) on Netflix:  "three generations of women have a time travel adventure."  Besides, the cover icon depicted a cute guy who turned out to be Al Mukadam, Neel on Ghosts.  If he takes his shirt off, I'm in.

Scene 1: Port Haven, Nova Scotia, 1816. A woman runs through the woods at night, chased by villagers with torches yelling "Get the witch!"  There were no witchcraft trials in Canada.  She comes to the lake and jumps in.

Scene 2:  Minneapolis, present day.  At an assembly, a high school student is singing "Crazy," by Patsy Cline (1961).

I'm crazy for feeling so lonely
Crazy for feeling so blue

What high schooler has even heard of that song?  Why not something contemporary, unless it's relevant to the story?

Alice waits backstage, anxiously peering out at men in suits milling through the crowd.  No doubt government agents wanting to weaponize her witchcraft powers.

When it's her turn, she goes onto the stage, but sees the men in suits and runs away, pulling a fire alarm to throw them off the trail.

Scene 3: Mom arrives at the school.  Turns out that one of the suit guys is Alice's Dad (Al Mukadam).  The other was a random parent in the audience, put in as a misdirection.  So why was she so scared of her father that she ran away?  

Left: Eventually we'll meet Dad as a teenager, played by Siddharth Sharma.

More back story: the parents are divorced (no doubt so they can get back together). and Mom just lost her job as a reporter.

Dad offers to pay the fine for setting off the fire alarm, and make "another generous donation" to the school, but it's too late: Alice is constantly causing trouble, and this is the last straw.  She's expelled.  Get out. 

Scene 4: Mom and Dad call all of Alice's friends, but they don't know where she is.  She's been "running with a different crowd," no doubt a witchcraft coven.

Turns out that Alice is at home, having a pizza party with the perfectly respectful looking "different crowd."

Plot hole: She just ran out of the assembly ten minutes ago, in the middle of a school day.  How did she have time to invite a dozen people to a pizza party?  How could they make it?

Alice is hanging out with a hipster dude, whom Mom voices strong disapproval of.  He seems perfectly nice.  What's your problem?

Scene 5: Having cleared out the house, Dad returns to work, and Mom lays into Alice: "Why did you duck out on the talent show?  You are so talented!  You have such a gift!"  

She explains that she doesn't want to sing anymore, and "you're never there for me," yada yada yada.    When does the witchcraft show up?

Mom checks her mail: A letter from Del Landry in Port Haven, Nova Scotia (where the witchcraft chase in Scene 1).  No doubt something sinister, like "The Reckoning has begun!  Bring the Chosen One and three chickens for the sacrifice!"

Darn, it's just her mother, asking her to come for a visit.  Why am I writing a more interesting story in my head?

Scene 6:  Establishing shots of nowhere, Nova Scotia.  They're not just visiting, they're moving back home.  Back story: Mom lost her little brother, Jacob, at a young age. That's why she left.  I'll bet he was just sucked into a time vortex.

Left: I was right.  Young Jacob is played by Remy Smith, and Grown-up Jacob by Spencer Macpherson, who shows us his butt here and his dick after the break.

They arrive at the huge picket-fence farmhouse.  A very scary lady with a flat face and Medusa-hair meets them.  They don't hug, but she is impressed by Alice.  Inherited your witchcraft powers?

Scary Lady -- Grandma! -- is played by Andie MacDowell, best known for another time-slip movie, Groundhog Day (1993).  She's almost unrecognizable under the scary makeup.

Scene 7: While Grandma gives Alice a tour, Mom goes inside and hears her little brother laughing as his feet rush upstairs.  A ghost or just a memory? She also sees his toys and such.

Scene 8: As Alice leaves the house, she sees the gardeners working on a flower bed.  One of them (Kataem O'Connor) glares at her.  He is overwhelmed by hatred, either because he actually hates her, or because he realizes that they were meant to be together, and the relationship will be very difficult.  It's sometimes hard for actors to distinguish.

He says hello.  She flashes a look of utter disgust, and rushes back inside.  Why are you so disgusted by the thought of dating him, girl?  Because he's a mortal, and the other witches will disapprove?

Inside, Grandma is laughing.  "You did that on purpose!" Alice exclaims.  Did what, hired a cute guy?  I don't get why Alice is so upset.  

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

"Wonder Man": Not-quite-gay struggling actor, superhero, or both? Plus we see Yahya's dick, and there's a big shock: Ben Kingsley is straight

 

Wonder Man (2026) has two contradictory premise descriptions.  On Disney Plus, it's  about "two actors at opposite ends of their careers" (Yahya Abdul-Mateen, Ben Kingsley), so we're expecting a wry comedy-drama about show business, like Entourage.  

On the IMDB, it's about a guy who gets superpowers and "is thrust into the world of superheroes," so we're expecting aerial battles with costumed baddies, like The X-Men.

Different types of viewers will be interested in each.  It's cute the way the try to rope in each.  But won't it backfire when half of the audience realizes that it's been tricked?

Plus Ben is gay in real life, Yahya displayed his dick in Watchmen, and both have played gay characters, so there's bound to be some representation.  And maybe some cocks.

Episode 1, "Matinee."  

Scene 1: A low-budget 1960s style superhero movie, with the caped crusader Wonder Man (Dane Larson) having a poorly-choreographed fight with some evil aliens.  Pull back to reveal a bored dad and fascinated son, Young Simon (Kameron J. Meadows). 

Cut to the grown-up Simon (Yahya) marking up a script, then doing shuddering and squealing warm-ups.  The production assistant (Talha Ehtasham) fetches him, and they walk across the entire studio, in a call-back to those backstage movies of the Golden Age of Hollywood.  

They reach a  university classroom set on American Horror Story.  The director describes the scene: Classes are over, and Professor Harpin (Simon) is packing up his desk, when Laura enters.  They discuss the Aztec God of Death. Then Laura turns into a monster and bites his head off.

Simon offers more and more nitpicking suggestions: "If I'm jealous of Laura getting tenure, should I be friendly?  Shouldn't I be packing up a copy of  Aztec Thought and Culture instead of Aztec Civilization?"   He researched the Aztecs for one line in a cheesy tv show? The director and gaffer get more and more annoyed, and finally cut the character.  Your own fault, buddy.

Scene 2: Establishing shots of the Hollywood Sign, highway traffic jams (I remember those!) and people waiting in a long line to audition.   Simon returns to his apartment to find guys moving everything out.  His girlfriend is dumping him, and taking her stuff.  Heterosexual identity established at minute 9:40. She explains that he is emotionally distant.  

As she leaves, the building shakes.  Earthquake, or is Simon getting superpowers? 

Scene 3: Simon goes to see Midnight Cowboy (1969), with Jon Voight as a gay-ish hustler.  Getting some tips for your new career, buddy?   A creepy old guy (Ben Kingsley) is talking loudly on his phone. To "Sweetie," presumably his girlfriend.  Heterosexual identity established immediately.  

Simon tells him to shut up, but he thinks it's ok because it's just the movie trivia and commercials. 

Simon recognizes him as Trevor, who played The Mandarin ten years ago, and Edgar Allan Poe in the 1970s.

Scene 4: They watch the movie, and are impressed by the gay-subtext romance between Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman.  "Touching... moving...powerful."  Afterwards, Simon annoys Trevor with his nitpicking trivia about the film; he would rather talk about Schlesinger's production of Timon of Athens.

Trevor has to leave, as he is auditioning for Wonder Man.  Simon's favorite movie as a kid!   

More after the break

The Weird World of Gumball: Definitely weird, but is it adequately gay? With Jordan's junk, Kwesi's cock, and Alkaio Thiele

 

After identifying Alkaio Thiele of Wizards Beyond Waverly Place as probably gay due to his many male friends, his romance with Kayden Koshelev, and...well, just look at him, prancing with his mom (the butch one)... I've been going through his work, looking for gay subtexts. 

Left: I don't have any n*de photos of Alkaio, since he's under 18, but here's a random Greek guy.

 He is currently the star of The Wonderfully Weird World of Gumball (2025-), the latest in the franchise of animated series featuring a catlike being (Alkaio) and his adopted brother, the evolved goldfish Darwin (Hero Hunter).  They have ordinary middle school adventures in a world populated by an assortment of humanoids, animals, inanimate objects, gods, and spirits drawn in various conflicting styles.

Fans have been claiming that the new series is "super gay" and "insanely gay."  and pointing specifically to Episodes 1.13, "The Letter," and 2.8, "The Diary."  So let's take a look.

Episode 1.13, Scene 1: After school, Darwin is cheerful; Gumball is suspicious.  Finally he comes clean: He wrote his girlfriend Carrie (right) a love letter, and he's going to slip it in her locker.

"But Carrie is a cursed specter from the Underworld. She might not approve of love."

Then the ghost-being Carrie and her friend Penny, a glowing peanut, appear.  Gumball and Penny rub their faces over each other and smoochy-woochy. Two boy-girl romances.  It's not looking good for the "insanely gay" advocates.

Ghost-being Carrie icks.  She explains that she's dead inside, so she finds physical displays of affection "cringy and gross."  That's why she and Darwin get along so well -- he's not "a mewling puddle of mush."  

Uh-oh, she opens her locker, and her monster-knapsack absorbs Darwin's love letter!  

"But what if you get a cute 'I wuv you' letter?" Darwin asks, grasping at straws.

She possesses Gumball and makes him announce that the dead are deprived of love, so when a ghost hears "I love you," even when addressed to someone else, the hunger makes them lose control and devour your soul.  So is it that you don't like physical affection, or you don't like romantic love?  Make up your mind, lady.

Scene 2: At lunch, Ghost Carrie, Peanut Penny, and a cloud-being are discussing the circumstances under which a boy might say "I love you" and not get eaten. They specify a boy, assuming that all romances are boy-girl.  Things are not looking good.  

Gumball sneaks under the table, where the monster-knapsack eats him.  But it spits him out, and he brings the letter with him, along with Ghost Carrie's book of magic, which they can use to destroy it.

Scene 3: Gumball can't read the arcane language, so he tries conjuring at random.  First, a refrigerator.  Then a love spell. Gumball already loves Darwin, but "You really look like a snack right now." Ok, a reference to same-sex desire.

The dimwits finally realize that they could just throw the letter away, but as they toss, the giant ape Hector Jotunheim jumps in front of them, and it ends up in his backpack. Now he'll think that Darwin is in love with him!

Scene 4: Gumball suggests that "a sweet and chill partner" like the Giant Ape is a better match than an emo ghost, but Darwin insists that he loves only Ghost Carrie.  He doesn't assume that Darwin's romantic partners can only be girls. 

Whoops, the Giant Ape returns the letter -- during class --- and the teacher forces Darwin to read it aloud.  Now Carrie will know the truth! 

Wait, it's not his letter after all!  It's from the Giant Ape, explaining that he is not romantically interested: "I've tried dating people your size before, and I've been hurt."  Chances are they'll be hurt, too. Giant Apes have giant....you know.

Scene 5: Uh-oh, Carrie thinks that Darwin was trying to cheat on her with the Giant Ape and goes berserk, turning the hallways into a Lovecraftian hellzone, with eyes and tentacles everywhere.  Darwin tries to explain that the Giant Ape was responding to a letter to her, but instead of saying "I love you," he says "Eat my face."

Carrie rushes back into the school, possesses Gumball, and returns to kiss him.  "Thank you for understanding," Carrie/Gumball says.  They hug, and Carrie lets Gumball go.

Gumball is happy that he could help his friend, and imagines being there for him "all day, every day."  Well, maybe not all day, like on his wedding... he retches at the thought of watching Darwin's wedding night.  The end.

Gay Representation: Various allusions to people being pansexual, and no disgust over same-sex acts, but the main romance is between Darwin and Carrie. B+

Left: Another random Greek guy.

The diary and n*de black guys after the break

Merrick Hanna: The God of Heterosexual Desire has 345 billion social media followers. Do they like his dancing, his acting, or his d*ck?

 

I don't know who Merrick Hanna is, but he has 6,000 photos on the teen idol site, including some shirtless.  Obviously straight: 90% of the photos show him with a girl.  Usually he's just standing there, grinning with delight at being the object of worship, while the girl hugs, kisses, duck lips, licks, fondles, gropes, and gazes at him, or sticks her tongue out to demonstrate that she's much better than the rest of us poor mortals, the consort to a god.

But it's not just worship: the girl takes the initiative, forcing him to belly dance and bake a cake.  They appear together at formal events, spin for Christmas, eat hamburgers, fight monsters, claim to be serial killers, go on rides at Disneyland. 

I should have dropped him as a potential profile right away, but I was fascinated.  Usually there are only a few photos with the girlfriend, or at most half of the collection.  Here they go on and on and on.  Why go through the trouble of having someone take and post hundreds of photos of your girlfriend worshipping you?  

Here's one where he's alone.  She must be taking the photo.

If I go back about a year on his Instagram, I run into a period of photos of Merrick alone or with guys, but then it's back to being hugged, kissed, fondled, and licked by a previous girlfriend,  Or maybe the same one?

What is this guy famous for?  I mean, you can't just worship someone out of nowhere.  He's got to turn water into wine or feed 5,000 people, or at least be hung, right?

Google says that he's "a talented dancer known for his flo-bot style," which he showcased on TikTok beginning when he was 12 (so in 2017).   Currrently he has 32 million followers and 718 million TikTok likes, not to mention Facebook and Instagram.

According to the IMDB, he's competed on AGT, SYTYCD, Das Supertalent, and Lip Sync Battle Shorties.  I imagine that if I was in his main audience, I would know what those shows or competitions are.

He began acting in summer productions of Much Ado About Nothing and A Winter's Tale with the Intrepid Theatre Company in Victoria, British Columbia (2014, 2016), and moved on screen with music videos and short films in 2017.

Some teencoms followed, like Sydney to the Max and Team Kaylie.

More after the break

"Knight of the Seven Kingdoms": Some bare bums, some cocks, bondage, and queerbaiting in this magic-free prequel to "Game of Thrones"

 

I turned off Game of Thrones (2011-2019), a fantasy series on MAX, after the first five minutes.  First Peter Dinklage remains fully clothed as he has sex with a naked woman.  He chats with her over a closeup of her breasts before leading her to his bed, where three more naked women are waiting.

Then Emilia Clarke disrobes so her fully-clothed brother can feel her breasts in close-up twice.  When he leaves, her bottom fills the screen as she steps into the bathtub.

Ugh.  This was impossible!

But I heard that the prequel, The Knight of the Seven Kingdoms (2026), features a gay-subtext buddy bond between a Hedge Knight (Peter Claffey who played the straight guy in the gay-friendly Wrecked) and a character whose name I don't recall (the names all sound alike).  I'll give it a try, but the first bouncing breasts, and I'm outta here.

Episode 1, Scene 1:  A Hedge Knight (not attached to a prince) is digging a grave for his mentor, Ser Arlan of Pennytree (Danny Webb, left).  Isn't Pennytree one of those "everything for a dollar" stores?

It's raining, because even thousands of years ago in a galaxy far, far away, tired cliches rule: it always rains at funerals.  

Hedgie takes the guy's sword, because why bury it with him, and asks his horses what they should do now.  Maybe enter a tournament?  Why can't you keep on being a hedge knight?

He pauses to take off his clothes and poop.  Nice butt, but we actually see the poop coming out.  Gross!  

Scene 2: Hedgie approaches a inn, and orders a bald boy wearing a dress to take care of his horses.  The boy sneers and insults him.

Mr. Grant: "You got spunk.  I hate spunk!"  

The inn is empty except for a guy who is passed out drunk, because everyone is gone to the tournament at Ashford.

Uh-oh, the drunk guy comes to and says "Stay the f*ck away from me!", brandishing a knife.  Hedgie is shocked, but doesn't engage, and the guy stumbles up to his room.  I assumed that this was the gay-subtext boyfriend, but the guy doesn't appear again.  This scene was just padding. 

Scene 3: Hedgie catches the Bald Boy on his horse, playing at being a knight, and yells at him.  The Boy wants to come along as his squire; Hedgie refuses. 

"Please?  You're poor,  incompetent, and very stupid. You need a squire."

"Nope."

They will eventually get together.  But this isn't the boyfriend -- actor Dexter Soll Ansell is only eleven years old.  And not bald in real life (the character has shaved his head to avoid being identified as the Chosen One, I think.  His biography on wikipedia is endless and exceedingly complex.  

Scene 4: Off again.  Don't they have roads in this world?   Hedgie reaches the tournament, a lot of tents in the middle of nowhere, with people doing artisan-style work, like at a Renaissance faire.  He meets with the Master of the Tournament, who thinks he doesn't look like a knight. 

"I'm a knight,  Ser Dunk, knighted by Ser Arslan of Pennytree."  Ser Dunk, har har.  Better than Aslan.

"Never heard of him.  Are you sure you were knighted?"

"Um...um...sure...as he was dying, Ser Arslan performed the ritual."  We don't see it happening in a flashback.  I think Ser Hedgie is bluffing. 

Master notes that knighthood is sacred.  If you lie about your knighting, they hang you naked by your hands and feet and lower you onto a sharpened dildo.  Could we see that?

Then he laughs.  He was just kidding about the sharpened dildo, but you need someone to attest to your knight master.  Would anyone here know him?

"Sure, Ser Manfred of the House of Dodarrion."

"If he vouches for you,  I'll let you enter the tournament."

Scene 5: Outside Ser Manfred's tent: Two scantily clad pleasure ladies tell Hedgie that the Ser is napping.  They think he's come around because the Ser screwed his wife, and then mock him for being a hedge knight; "He's got to sleep in hedges because no Lord will have him."

This hurts Ser Hedgie's feelings.  "No need to say mean things!"  

"Toughen up!  The Ser will awaken by evenfall (dusk).  Come back then."

More after the break

"Breaking Fast": Gay Muslim gets dumped, finds a new boyfriend, shows his dick. But are any of the actors actually gay and Muslim?

 

In the short Breaking Fast (2015), it's Eid-al-Fitr, the last night of Ramadan, and Mo (Ryan Shrime) runs into Cal (probably gay bodybuilder Tom Berklund).  They discuss the suicide of Cal's boyfriend.  

That's all I can gather from Tom Berklund's demo reel: the movie is not available to stream, and the trailer is stuck behind paywalls and Trojan-infested websites.  But a review says that Mo is a gorgeous Superman-obsessed doctor dealing with tragedy (because all short films are about dealing with tragedy, right?), and the guys fall in love.

We don't have a lot of actors who are gay, out, and Muslim, so I thought I would check Ryan Shrime out.

Ryan's  Instagram starts off with three photo dumps of Christmas decorations. Dude is Christian

Then he visits Portugal and Israel with his travel buddy, a miniature Jesus.  Dude is Christian and wacko.

Next there are about 3,000 photos hugging and kissing ladies and playing with kids.  Dude is straight.

Why are you playing a gay Muslim, buddy?  Are you the only Arab-American actor willing to do it?  

Sigh.  Let's check for gay roles and nude photos anyway.  

Ryan got his degree from Harvard, then studied at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts.  

Theatrical credits: Macbeth, King Lear, Much Ado About Nothing, The Engine of Our Ruin, The Ants

Nothing overtly gay themed there.

He founded the Middle Eastern Comedy Festival and the New York Arab American Comedy Festival

61 acting credits on the IMDB: The Mindy Project, Sam & Kat, Revenge, Grey's Anatomy, Madame Secretary, On My Block, and a lot that I don't recognize.  He complains on Threads that casting agents constantly tell him, "You're so great! I'm just looking for the right role for you," only to offer yet another terrorist role.

He is known for playing:

Lance Chambers on a 2015 episode of Gray's Anatomy: Meredith returns to Seattle to announce Derek's death (Patrick Dempsey, left) and gives birth; Amelia deals with her grief; April decides to stay in a war-torn country, upsetting Jackson (Jesse Williams, below); Ben and Bailey argue over an end-of-life decision. Oh, and Richard proposes to Catherine.  Lance is not mentioned in the plot synopses.  Would there even be room for him?

Ramjin Azizi on a 2017 episode of Madame Secretary, starring Tea Leoni as the Secretary of State: Blake comes out as bisexual, Stevie (a boy) misses a meeting with the Harvard Dean of Admissions when Jason gets sick, and Henry goes to Israel to retrieve the bio weapon, but ISIS agents steal it. Ramjin isn't mentioned in any of the plot synopses, but I'm guessing that he's not a terrorist.

Ryan is also known as the producer of Woe (2020): A brother and sister stumble upon their father's secret after his death. A review says that it's impenetrably art-noveau.  Well, the guy graduated from Harvard.  What do you expect?

At least he shows his dick (top photo).  Or is that misleading, too?

More hopefully gay and Muslim actors after the break

Foundation: The top 12 hunks of the tv series based on Isaac Asimov's incredibly boring "classic" science fiction

Every three or four years since I was around 15, I've picked up Isaac Asimov's Foundation (1951), lured by assurances that it's a magnificent accomplishment, a classic, essential reading, the book that propelled science fiction from Buck Rogers-style space operas to college literature classrooms.

So I start.  And it's just so darn bo--rrrr--ing that I give up after 10 or 20 pages.  Asimov is obsessed with politics, economics, and business, three of the dullest topics imaginable.  And there are no descriptions of anything.  Ever.  

There's a Foundation tv series on Apple Plus, but from the description it seems to committing an even worse sin: rampant heteronormativity.  So I don't think I'll be watching.  Let's just look at the hunks instead.

We've seen the premise 100 times before, but I suppose that in 1951, it was brand new:  12,000 years after the beginning of the Galactic Empire, it is in decline.  Just like...um...er...the Roman Empire?   Asimov is not good at cultural changes, so people 20,000 or so years from now act exactly the way they did in 1951, smoking cigars, wearing neckties, and filling their offices with men only.  They don't even have automatic elevators.

There are five or six parts, each with different characters.  I've only read the first:  A  young man named Gael travels from the provinces to the galactic hub planet of Trantor.  En route, he explains in detail how the spaceship works, which seems ridiculous.  Do you usually spend your flight thinking about how airplanes work?

1. Alfred Enoch as Raych. There are no women in Foundation except for nondescript wives, so in the tv series Gael becomes a woman, to add gender diversity (and heterosexism).  She gets a boyfriend, Raych, her boss's son.

In the city, Gael befriends a man named Jalen or something (naturally -- there are only male characters).  I'm thinking  "Gay subtext!"  But Jalen turns out to be a spy of the Galactic Empire, trying to get the dirt on his new boss, Hari Seldom or something.

2. Jared Harris as Hari Seldon.

Hairy has invented the field of psychohistory, which can predict societal change.  Asimov obviously doesn't know anything about the social sciences -- societal change is a matter for sociology, not psychology.  He has determined that the Galactic Empire is falling apart, leading to 30,000 years of Dark Ages. 

3. Lee Pace as Brother Day, one of the three emperor clones.  I don't think he appears in the original novels.

Predicting the fall of the Empire doesn't sit well with the Galactic Bigwigs:  They think that Hogwarts is trying to bring about the downfall.  So after an inquisition and trial,  they exile Hungover, Gael, and their workers (plus wives and children) to the planet of Terminus, on the far edge of the galaxy (20,000 years, and they still revere Latin?).

4. Cassion Bilton as Brother Dawn, another of the Emperor Clones.  Don't get excited, he's with a girl.

But it turns out that Hinkley has been manipulating the Galactic Big Wigs behind the scenes.  He wanted to go to Terminus, but he didn't think that his workers would go unless they were forced.  He needs a safe space to work on the vast Encyclopedia Galactica, which will preserve human knowledge and reduce the Dark Ages from 30,000 years to 1,000 years.  

Except it's all a trick.  A distraction.  The narrative switches to many years later, and a man named Salvor Hardin, who I thought was Hari Seldom's great-great grandson, but turns out to be just someone with an equally forgettable four-syllable name.  He discovers that the real goal of the Encyclopedists to start a revolt against...well, I don't know who.  

5. Daniel MacPherson as Hugo Cranst.  In the tv series, Salvor Hardin has become a woman too, so she can fall in love with a Han Solo-type.

By this point, I'm thinking "Life is too short.  I could be reading The Hobbit."  And I understand that the tv series is nothing like the books, anyway.

6. Brandon B. Bell as Han Pritcher, who falls in love with Gael (after her first boyfriend disintegrates) and works for the Foundation, although his real allegiance is to the Second Foundation.  I don't know what that means, either.

More hunks after the break

Jack Barlow: "Real Housewives" teen, Mormon missionary, hair-care guru, gay tease. With nude and bondage photos

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