"The Naked Brothers Band," the most heterosexist teencom on Nickelodeon. Plus the grown-up brothers' cocks, butts, and gay-vague characters.

Around 2008, I researched queer codes on children's tv for what turned out to be three scholarly articles.  I gave high scores to Drake and Josh,  Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide,  The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, The Wizards of Waverly Place, and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.  Phil of the Future, Ed Edd and Eddy, and Zoey 101 got low scores, and the lowest: The Naked Brothers Band.

It was a mockumentary about the misadventures of a fictional band led by preteen brothers, Alex and Nat Wolff.  They never explained the embarrassingly salacious name, but I assume that it meant that you would be seeing their real life, uncurated and unmediated. 

Of course, it was curated and mediated.  Alex and Nat did have a band, and some of their real-life bandmates (like Dan Levi, left) were in the cast, but most of the characters and situations were purely fictional.  They were not at all famous.  Yet.   

In 2004, actress Polly Draper had the idea of making a mockumentary about her sons' band, sort a preteen Spinal Tap or A Hard Day's Night.  She got her wealthy (or wealthier) brother to finance The Naked Brothers Band, filmed it in mid-town Manhattan, and entered it the 2005 Hamptons International Film Festival.  Nickelodeon bought it, and suggested a teencom spin-off, competition to the upstart Myley Cyrus in Hannah Montana. 

 Nat Wolff was only twelve years old, and Alex was nine,  a little young to handle a teencom by themselves, so Polly added adults to the cast to pull some of the weight.  Mostly her relatives: husband Michael Wolff as the boys' widowed dad; niece Jesse as their babysitter; brother Tim as the school principal. Plus a steady stream of celebrity friends, including Ryan Seacrest, Tony Hawk, and Whoopi Goldberg, popped by to play themselves.

The result was three seasons of intense nepotism and aggressive "girls! girls! girls!' hetero-horniness (2007-09).

I only watched one episode for my research project (there were over 30 programs in my dataset), so to be fair, I just watched another:  "Three is Enough" (February 8, 2008)

In the teaser, Alex wants to practice putting his arm around his "true love" in the movies.  Nat is skeptical -- he has a new "true love" every week.  But he agrees to play the girl.  Then Alex plays the girl so Nat can practice.  The gender-play is a queer code, but it's drowned out by the endless discussion of how many girls they like.

Next: they have writen a new song, "Three is Enough."  Babysitter Jesse agrees: three is the perfect amount of everything, from donuts to boys. For instance, she can't choose between the three "adorable Timmerman Brothers" (played by Polly's excessively rich nephews).  She implies that she is dating all of them, and perhaps not one at a time. Maybe they are involved in a queer four-way romance.

Then the Handsome Foreigner next door (Michael W. Barry)  asks her to the big horror movie.  The Timmermans get jealous and decide to spy on them.

At the studio, famous cartoonist Jules Feiffer, playing himself, is drawing cartoons to project over the band's new song.  Alex asks to be portrayed as cooler and more teenager-ish, and for the girl he is in love with to look more like his real-life true love.  

The main plot: their manager, 12-year old Cooper (Cooper Pillot) accidentally asks a girl for a date.  The band suggests various ways to get out of it, but he doesn't want to get out of it. He just wants Nat to come along for moral support.  But Nat needs a date, and he can't ask his on-off girlfriend Rosalie while they're "on a break."  Can he?  This section can't be easily queered; it's boys and girls all the way down.

Verdict: A few gender-bending moments , but no gay subtexts.

I couldn't even find any gay actors in the cast, except for Andre Keenan-Bolger, who played the snippy director Christophe in four episodes.

After the break: Have the Naked Brothers continued their heteronormative erasure as adults?  Have they gotten naked?

Jordan Buhat: The Grown-ish hunk solves murders, is murdered, spends Christmas on Cherry Lane, shows his cock in a 30 minute j/o video

 

A celebrity named Jordan Buhat posts 30-minute long videos where he dances nude in front of the camera, teasing that he's goiing to show his cock minute after minute after minute.  Then at the very end, he finally gets around to about 30 seconds of j/o  (after the break).

Ok, it's impressive, but there are lots of guys out willing to go farther, and faster.  I don't have all day.

He shows his rather impressive butt also, so I'm going to conclude that he's gay and a bottom.  But why the endless teases that most guys are just going to just fast-foward through?

Jordan graduated from the University of Alberta in 2018.  He had taken a few small roles, on Letterkenny, Summer of 84, and Blurt, but planned on a career as a secondary school drama and gym teacher.  Then he was cast in Grown-ish, and "everything changed." 

 Grown-ish (2018-24), the sequel to Black-ish, sends Zoey Johnson, the teenage daughter of the family, to college.  Like A Different World, but with more angst. 

Bad news: Vivek (Jordan) and Doug (Diggy Simmons, right) are not a gay couple.  During the first three seasons, Vivek Shaw is an engineering major who deals drugs to finance his extravagant fashion tastes.  He pursues a lot of girls, but fails to seal the deal.  This leads his friends to conclude that he is gay, and deliberately trying to avoid bedroom activity.  So he tries a three-way with a dude.  Nope, he is only into girls. Eventually he gets two girlfriends.

According to the fan wiki, there are two bisexual girls, but no lesbians or gay men on campus.

Although Vivek is usually the "har har, he can't get laid" comic relief, he has some angst plotlines.  He is beat up when a drug deal goes wrong, and ends up in the hospital; he is kicked out of his residence hall, and has to couch-surf; he is arrested for drug possession, expelled from the college, and disowned by his father, who dies of  a heart attack before they can reconcile. 

Jordan has six other acting credits during or after Grown-ish:

Margaux (2022): Six college friends, three girls and three boys (Jordan, Jedidiah Goodacre, Lochlun Munro) rent a house for a weekend of partying, only to find that they are being stalked by a murderous AI.  Jordan is handcuffed to a bed during a bondage session with his girlfriend, when the AI makes the ceiling collapse, killling him.

The three most recent of twenty Aurora Teagarden Mysteries (2023 and 2024)  flashback to the small-town librarian/sleuth's grad student years.  She solves murders and falls in love with Chef Daniel (Jordan). 

Prom Dates (2024): Two girls have been planning the perfect prom since they were 13.  But just before the big night, Jess catches her boyfriend (Jordan) cheating, and dumps him, and Hannah decides that this would be the perfect time to come out as a lesbian, and dumps her boyfriend, too.  Now they have 24 hours to meet and win the Boy and Girl of Their Dreams.  But all of the good prospects are already taken...

More after the break

The ten best and ten worst Gemstones episodes, from the incredible "Wicked Lips" to the nonsensical, queerbaitiing "Burn For Burn, Stripe for Stripe"

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Beef, Season 2: Reggie Mantle and his lady fight Poe Dameron and his wife. With Reggie's dick, Poe's butt, and heteronormative erasure

 Beef Season 1 (2023), on Netflix, featured a road rage incident that spins out of control plus the cute Steven Yeun in a gay subtext romance with Young Manzino.  Hopefully  Season 2 (2026) has more beefcake and buddy-bonding, or maybe even a canonical gay guy. 

Scene 1: A Male Caterer hands a tray of drinks to a Female Caterer, and kisses her.  Ugh!  That's inappropriate in the workplace. Strike 1. 

She serves a bottle of beer to an older man, who hugs a woman and kisses the top of her head.  Strike 2. 

 They walk toward the outdoor gathering, where an Old Guy thanks his Beautiful, Talented Wife for organizing everything.  They smooch -- for a long, long, long time.  Everyone applauds.  Strike 3.

How annoyingly heteronormative!  I'm only going to continue because of the Male Caterer -- not litsed on the IMDB, but Wikipedia calls him Austin, played by Charles Melton, Reggie on Riverdale. (cock left, but I think it's a prosthetic). 

After the presentation, the Old Guy and his Beautiful, Talented Wife walk through the crowd, being congratulated by everyone.  

A guy in a limousine, who may be William Fitchner (butt left), invites Old Guy to Vegas with The Boys.  A boys only weekend? Tell me more.

Then the two get into their car,  growl at each other, and drive away. 

Beautiful, Talented Wife is upset because the Old Guy, Josh, accepted a date with Troy on her birthday.  He promises to cancel, but the forgetting is the main problem.  

Scene 2: The Male Caterer demonstrates his bicep to the Female Caterer before they're called away to clean up. The new owner of the country club is coming tomorrow, all the way from Korea, so everything has to be spotless. I think they're employes of the country club, but I'm still going to call them the Caterer and her Boyfriend.

They ignore their chores to sit in the tennis court and smooch for a long, long, long time.  Suddenly they're interrupted by yelling.  They look up to see Old Guy Josh and his Beautiful, Talented Wife, now at home, with some new topics of argument: why does he never install the herb garden she wants, and why isn't he as unhappy as she is?  Wait -- is Old Guy/Beautiful Wife's apartment directly above the tennis courts?  But they were driving away!  

In other news, Old Guy Josh promised to build them a bed-and-breakfast, but after six years it's only halfway done.  So he goes outside to scatter the mulch right now!  She follows to continue the argument.  He squandered her inheritance, she's a drunk, they haven't had sex in a year, and so on...

Scene 3: Discussing how much they love each other, the Caterer Couple drive to Old Guy/Beautiful Wife's house.  But if they live far away from the country club, how was the Caterer Couple interrupted by their argument? 

They almost run into an additional Old Guy as he pulls out of his driveway.  

Is there going to be a second road rage incident? 

Nope, it was just a tease.  The Caterer Couple arrive at the house, discuss how much they love each other again, kiss extensively (fast forward time...)

Inside, Old Guy Josh (Oscar Isaac, Poe on Star Wars) asks his Beautiful Wife if she would prefer him to go back to the way he was before they married. "Sexual deviant or celibate?  Not much of a choice." So, what was his deviance?  Was he gay?  They discuss how much they hate each other.

It seems that Caterer and Boyfriend have come to return Old Guy's wallet, which he lost on the tennis court.  How did a wallet interrupt them?

They hear screaming and approach the house, camera on.  Old Guy Josh and his Beautiful Wife are now throwing things  and wrecking each others' prized possessions.  He is about to attack her with a golf club, when they see the Caterer Couple watching -- and filming -- them.  Old Guy: "Sh*t!"

Scene 4: On the way home, the Caterer Couple discuss how much they love each other, and then what they should do about the domestic abuse incident. Caterer: " I love you so much...they come to the country club every day.! We shouldn't get involved."  

Boyfriend: "I love you so much...whatever you want is fine with me, as I have no agency of my own.   Want to kiss for five minutes at this stop sign?" 

At home, Old Guy Josh and Wife discuss what they should do about the situation.

Old Guy: "I hate you so much...We don't need to do anything. It was just an employee dropping off my lost wallet."

Wife: "I hate you so much.  I think you should threaten to fire them if they talk. Want to fight some more?  There's some stuff in the other room that we haven't thrown at each other yet."

Phone call!  It's the new owner of the country club, speaking through a translator, asking if everything is ready for her arival tomorrow.

More after the break

Leon Mallett:Checking the East Anglia Boy's impressive j/o photos first, researching his potential gayness and celebrity status later

 

I don't usually start researching based on some  adult videos, but this guy has it all: cute face, nice physique, huge cock, in a series of very clear photos posted on several nude celebrity sites.  I'm just worried that he's not an actor, so I won't be able to profile him.

So I'll check the IMDB last.  First up: his social media, to see if he's gay. 

Tagline: Singer/Songwriter.  He could be an actor, too.  I'm continuing the research.

An East Anglia boy, from Norwich, about 2 1/2 hours east of London.  

Lots of beefcake shots and guy-hugging photos, no girl-hugging -- a good sign.

Wait -- in one photo, he's grabbing the "big couple of palavas" on Katie Price.  An interest in palavas is generally a sign of  male heterosexual identity.

But Katie Price is an actress, model, and public figure who performs at a lot of Pride events, and came out as a lesbian in 2025.  Maybe he's just being playful.

But Leon's sweater says "Alright, my darlin'?"  That's something you would say to a girl.

Ok, I'm ready to check the shirt-lifter's IMDB profile.

Leon Mallett, aka Leon James, was born in 1995 in East Anglia.  In 2014, he auditioned for The X Factor, the British talent showcase, as a member of the boy band Fifth Street, but didn't make it.

He and his brother Alex auditioned as a duo in 2017.  Alex was cut during Boot Camp (the first challenge), but Leon made it through the Six Chair Challenge, Judges' Houses, Week 1, and Week 2, whereupon he was eliminated. 

He returned as a special guest on The X-Factor: Celebrity (2019).

And he appeared as himself in the documentary When Celebrity Goes Horribly Wrong 2 (2020), about celebrity fails: Calum Best accused of sexual assault; Nick Ferrari making racist comments; Chloe Goodman in  a feud with her sister.

No information on what Leon's scandal was. 

I'll get to the j/o photos in a moment.  Next, checking his songs for gay hints.

In "East Anglia Boy" (2014), Leon praises his home province: the sights, the food, the shopping.  He meets a girl who likes his accent, but not his clothes. Sounds heterosexist. But it's a  parody "American Boy" by Estelle, where she meets a boy, so he would have to meet a girl.

"One Girl in a Million" (2014) sounds extremely heterosexist, but it was actually written by Leon's father.  Leon found it in the attic after his death, and recorded it as a tribute.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.

Life is Still Unfair: "Malcolm in the Middle" returns, with a super-jerky Malcolm, a nude Hal, and a nonbinary sibling. Plus Francis and Alex dicks .

Malcolm in the Middle (2000-2006) starred Frankie Muniz as Malcolm, the genius son in a struggling, working-class family with four boys.  I watched mainly because it was inserted into the must-see Sunday night lineup on Fox: Futurama, King of the Hill, The Simpsons, Malcolm in the Middle, Family Guy, American Dad. 

 I don't remember many of Malcolm's plotlines, but I liked the delinquent older brother Francis (Christopher Masterson) in military school amid hunky gay-subtext dormmates, then moving to Alaska with his...um...best buddy.

Left: Christopher, artistic interpretation.

And middle brother Reese (Justin Berfield), who had so many queer codes that I expected a coming-out episode -- until the spineless writers lost their nerve and gave him a girlfriend. 

20 years have passed, and three of the four brothers (plus their parents, buddies, marital partners, and kids) are back in a four-part miniseries on Hulu.

Scene 1: Suited 40-year old Malcolm tells a reporter that his company does tech stuff to hook up grocery store chains with food banks, so their unsold merchandise goes to people who need it.  Then, addressing the audience, he brags that he is rich, successful, and infinitely happy. And he did it all by cutting off his family. 

I'm not happy about the "Looking at me, I'm so much better than you!"  And your family was not abusive. Cutting them off is cold.

Scene 2: At the house, Mom Lois is shaving Dad Hal's back hair, while he stands naked in front of a laptop, face timing with youngest son Dewey. We're supposed to find this disgusting, but Hal has a perfectly presentable physique for a 70 year old (butt after the break).

Dewey (now played by Caleb Ellsworth-Clark) is performing before King Carl Gustaf of Sweden.  And he brags about his numerous girlfriends. Was the original series this annoyingly heterosexist?

Did you remember that Hal and Lois had a fifth child in a late-series "Why not have a wacky birth?" plot arc?   I didn't, but, but here they are: the young adult Kelly (Vaughan Murrae), who is nonbinary.  

Hal makes a big show of not understanding their pronouns: "We're going shopping.  Does them want to come?"   But Kelly fights back: "Him can't come with we. Us have homework."

In other news, Lois and Hal's big anniversary party is coming up.

Scene 3: On the way home, Malcolm continues to brag about how cutting off his family changed his life: "I don't act like a sociopath.  I'm less angry, more mature. But whenever I'm around them, I revert."  Montage of Malcolm yelling at a family dinner, at a funeral, when his brother criticizes him for bragging about his car.  Now he lives far away, and avoids holiday visits, but a stream of phone calls and emails makes them think that he still cares.

Cut to Hal and Lois at a big box store, looking for a ruby garland.   Craig (David Anthony Higgins), who used to be Lois's boss with a crush on her, pops up to explain why he's no longer working at the drug store.

Suddenly Hal and his old musical group perform an a capella love song -- right in the aisle!    Well, not a love song, precisely: "Your sex takes me to paradise..."

 I remember that group vaguely -- he's the only white member, but he feels left out because the other guys are more successful.  Didn't they also prank Lois's racist mother?

Left: Musical group member Alex Morris, probably.

Lois is embarrassed by the "romantic gesture."  Could they do something likes, for a change?  

Scene 4:  Back to Malcolm.  He introduces his daughter Leah, "a trophy I won for attending my first kegger in college Her mother left three days after giving birth.  I'm a single father, but I'm good at it!"

Cut to Leah crying in her room.  She addresses the camera, explaining that she doesn't cry all the time. She usually does depressed apathy or rage.

Malcolm wants to know what's wrong: she's isolated at school, with no friends, and Mean Girls prank her. 

"Don't worry, it will get better once you go away to college and cut me off."

Mom Lois calls, insisting that they come to the anniversary party. This is her third text, so Malcolm has to strategize, explaining why he didn't answer the others in a way that makes it look like he cares.

More after the break

"Oz, the Great and Powerful": A walking penis (not in a good way) finds true love, two wicked witches, and a flying monkey

  

Last night for movie night, we saw Oz the Great and Powerful (2013), a Disney retread of the Oz mythos, with reflections of both the original books by L. Frank Baum and the 1939 movie.  It had some visual appeal, but the heteronormativity was so intense and unyielding that it burned.

In black-and-white 1905 Kansas, Oz (James Franco) is a circus sideshow magician who seduces every woman in sight -- three in the first five minutes.

Easter Egg: The circus is run by Mr. Baum.

He has an assistant (Zach Braff), whom he treats horribly, and an ex-girlfriend (Michelle Williams), who is in love with him but plans to marry John Gale instead because he doesn't want a "normal" life, the heterosexist trajectory of job, house, wife, and kids.  Not because he is gay, because he is irresponsible.

Easter egg: It's not mentioned, but the ex-girlfriend is going to become Dorothy's mother, then die, so Dorothy can go live with her Aunt Em and Uncle Henry, and get zapped to Oz in seven years. 

Oz's act comes to a halt when he admits that he can't cure a disabled girl in the audience.  

Then he has to flee when the circus strongman and clown  (Tim Holmes, Brian Searle) get angry over the seduction of their wives. Oz jumps into his balloon, and is zapped through a tornado into Oz.

I figured a guy playing a strongman would have some beefcake photos,but Tim Holmes doesn't.  Instead, we have him saying that he's visiting his kids "to see his grandchildren"..with his hand on one of their bellies.  No baby in there, buddy; those are your twin sons. 

Left: Eugen Sandow, the original strongman.

Back to Oz.  The wilderness is brightly-colored, with singing foliage out of Fantasia, and things that keep zapping you in the face (the film was originally 3-D).

Oz meets the Good Witch Theodora, who happens to be traipsing around the wilderness with no supplies.  Discovering that he is coincidentally named after her country, she concludes that he is the Wizard prophesied to free the kingdom from the evil Wicked Witch, so of course he seduces her.  Is this supposed to be an endearing trait? 

Next they go to the Emerald City, picking up a flying monkey in a bellman's outfit (Zach Branff) along the way.  Evanora, the Witch in power, will be happy to hand over the throne, as long as he saves them by breaking the wand of the Wicked Witch, which will kill her.  

More Oz after the break

Harrison Houde: It's Bowie! Plus gay-adjacent tv, synth-wave music, and a pink Ford. With Diego, Harrison butts, and Nemo d*ck

 School Spirits features a high school girl named Maddie Near, who becomes a "ghost" when her spirit is dislocated from her body.  In Episode 2.3 (2025), we meet Diego (Zack Calderon), the older brother of Maddie's friend, n the best possible way -- wearing just a towel. 

Well, maybe not the absolute best possible way...

And we learn that Maddie's body is now occupied by Janet,  the ghost of a high school girl who died in 1958. She goes on the run, bringing a satchel-full of stolen cash. When she stops for supplies, we met Carl (Harrison Houde), a clerk at the superstore.  He has long hair and femme multicolored bracelets, pinging my gaydar.  And he's 5'5".  

Which should I profile?

Sorry, Zack.

You may remember Harrison Houde from Some Assembly Required (2014-16), the Canadian teencom about a boy (Kolton Stewart) who sues his way into owning a toy company,   Harrison plays Bowie, his cute, quirky best bud, who is put in charge of the Jokes and Pranks Division.  (He's pictured with Dylan Playfair as the dimwitted hunk.)  

Although the gay-vague fashion plate of the series is Aster (Travis Turner), until he gets a queerbait girlfriend, Bowie only expresses heterosexual interest in one or two episodes. 

Harrison began his on-screen career as Darren Walsh, who becomes an outcast for touching cheese, in Diary of a Wimpy Kid (2010).  

Next came three episodes of Spooksville (2013-14), about teenage ghost-hunters.

42 episodes of the "how it works" series Finding Stuff Out (2012-14)

And the movie Pants on Fire (2014), with Bradley Steven Perry as a chronic liar who wins The Girl of His Dreams (not by lying).

More after the break.  Caution:Explicit.

Mason McNulty: Kayden's buddy plays a box of candy, a duplicated boy, and Billy the Kid, but is he really gay? With McNulty butts and dicks

 

During the last six months or so, Kayden Koshelev has stopped posting about Alkaio Thiele on his social media, and started chumming up with a guy named Mason McNulty.  A new boyfriend?

Time to do some research.

Mason was born in Southern California in 2005, and began his career at age three months, as a model for ad for the State of Utah.  His on-screen credits begin in 2011, when he voiced Toothbrush on an episode of South Park, and go on to Modern Family, Glee, Teen Wolf, Danger Force, and Pen15.

His "best known for" projects on the IMDB include:

Schooled (2018-20), a spin-off of The Goldbergs, set ten years later, when minor character Lainey Lewis returns to become a music teacher at the William Penn Academy.  The shy, sensitive, gay-coded Toby (Mason) goes out for football, although he isn't very good; the coach tries to steer him into playing Pokemon instead; he dresses as a box of candy in the Halloween parade; he sings in the school choir.  The fan wiki doesn't mention an interest in girls.

And Assimilate (2019).  A teenage girl, her boyfriend (Joel Courtney, left), and her little brother Joey (Mason) fight "doubles" that are replacing their family and friends. And everybody else in the world, leaving only a few scattered survivors left.  As far as I can tell, Joey doesn't express any heterosexual interest.

So far, so good.  But once Mason moves into teenage and adult roles, it's "girls! girls! girls!"    Connor on Love XO, Adrian in Class of 1970, Andreas in After Them. Sam in Deadly Fiance. 

Even in Gacy: Serial Killer Next Door (2024), in which a fictional next door neighbor suspects that Gacy is a serial killer, and is constantly dismissed by the adults.  Most of Gacy's victims are gay, but as far as I can tell, Bobby (Mason) is straight. 

Mason's most recent project is Billy the Kid: Blood and Legend (2026): Sheriff Pat Garrett (Costas Mandylor) hunts his former friend, the legendary outlaw Billy the Kid (Mason).  They "are locked in a deadly game where survival and justice are measured in bullets."  What the heck does that mean?  I'm not into Westerns, but you can tell by the poster that there's a Woman of His Dreams.

In addition to acting, Mason is a singer/songwriter.  I checked two of his music videos: 

"Dust" is about losing the Girl of Your Dreams.

"Lessons of Love" shows two girls rejecting him, explaining what he's doing wrong, and finally agreeing to dates.  The first involves dancing, and the second running hand in hand through grass. 

Dude is straight.

Not to worry, Kayden seems to have moved on to a new guy Elohim Nycalove, who looks like Janet Jackson (I checked: he/him pronouns).  Your parents knew that Elohim is a plural noun, right?

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit

The Top 14 Hunks of "The Bride", including Christian Bale, Peter Sarsgaard, a gay guy, and a lot of queerbaiting

This weekend we saw The Bride! (2026).  I assumed that it would be a sequel to Frankenstein (2025), but it is not.  The frenetic, lunatic ghost of Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, channeling Bellatrix LeStrange from Harry Potter, complains that she died before she had a chance to write anything meaningful (lady, you died at age 53, having published dozens of novels, short stories, essays, travel journals...)  So she possesses a 1930s floozy named Ida, who starts a lengthy diatribe and falls down a flight of stairs.  Frank the Monster (Christian Bale, left) convinces a mad scientist to revive her, and they go on a rampage, channeling the Joker and Harley Quinn, Bonnie and Clyde, and the Me, Too Movement.   

There are a few nods to 1930s gay culture: Ida kisses a lady in the first scene, and takes Frank to a nightclub frequented by a few same-sex couples.  But it is ruined by a monumental queerbaiting. 

 Detective Jake Willis (Peter Saarsgaard) and his partner Myrna, who has to pretend to be his secretary because female detectives aren't allowed, investigate the murder of a railroad cop in rural Indiana.  After Jake gets intel from the small-town sheriff, Partner Myrna points out that she does all the detective work; all he has to do is seduce small town sheriffs to get intel.  

In the 1930s, all sheriffs were male.  She very clearly and unambiguously states that he has sex with men. 

But at the end of the movie he admits that he keeps letting Ida get away because he is in love with her; they used to be romantic partners, before her accident.

WTF?  A real life person could be bisexual, of course, but in movies, a hetero-romance obliterates gay references.    Myrna's statement was an outright lie, a nasty joke played on the audience. 

This is not a review of the g*ddam monstrosity (it would get an F----).  I was so angry that I looked through the entire cast list, hoping to find a gay person to profile.  I finally found one, after researching a gaggle of straight hunks:

1. Christian Bale as Frank the Monster

2. Peter Sarsgaard as the queerbaiting Detective.

3. Jake Gyllenhaal as Ronnie Reed, a Fred Astaire-like dancer.  Frank idolizes him, so they travel to all of the sites where his movies were filmed.

4. Zlatko Buric, on Nysocboy's Beefcake and Bonding, as mob boss Lupino.  The Mafia is involved, too.

5. Will Dagger, left, as a guy at a movie theater who is trying to get with his girlfriend in spite of her protests.  Frank and Ida intervene.

6. Louis Cancelmi as Officer Goodman, one of the cops that the couple kills.

7. Neil Vincent Smith as a patron in a restaurant that the two disrupt.  Sorry, I couldn't find a photo where he isn't hugging a lady.

8. Antony Abbato, left, as another restaurant patron.

The gay guy after the break