"What You Wish For": Nick Stahl plays a chef who discovers what's on the menu. With two n*de Ecuadorian dudes

  


What You Wish For (2023) just dropped on Hulu.  It stars Nick Stahl, who played a lot of conflicted queer teenagers back in the day, so I'm in.

Scene 1: A very craggy Nick Stahl arrives in an unspecified South American country (very near the equator, so maybe Ecuador).  He tries to get a cab, but he doesn't speak Spanish, and the taxi drivers don't speak English...then he sees that his host sent a driver!

Through the jungle to a beautiful ultra-modern house.  The host left a note: he won't be back until late, but make yourself at home.  So Nick cooks himself an omelette.

Uh-oh, a text from Rabbit: he wants the $50,000 right away.  Leaving the country won't help: "I'll track you down."  Gambling debts?




Scene 2
: Jack (Brian Groh) arrives.  Back story: they were roommates in culinary school 12 years ago, and haven't seen each other since. So, whose idea was this reunion?   Nick is a failure, reduced to cooking in a hotel kitchen ("a lot of roast chicken"), while Jack travels to exotic locations all over the world: he spends a week in the ritzy house, vetting ingredients, prepping, and cooking a meal for rich people.  He's paid extraordinarily well for this.  "But it's not as exciting as it sounds.  My bosses are assholes, and...well..."

Scene 3: They drive into town.  Jack complains about cooking for the super-rich among the most impoverished people you've ever met.  When they stop for lunch, Jack asks "So, do you have a wife or girlfriend back home?"  No.  You forgot to ask about a boyfriend or husband, buddy.

Not to worry, a tourist named Alice, having a "spontaneous adventure," joins them, and asks if they're together.  "No, we haven't seen each other in twelve years."  That doesn't tell her if you are gay.

They invite her back to the house to see which is the best chef (she prefers Nick's risotto).  Then they go swimming, and Alice and Jack head off to bed. Hetero identity established at Minute 15. Interesting that there's no question about who Alice will hook up with. Is Nick not into ladies?

Scene 4: In the morning, Jack drives Alice back to her hotel, and returns to hang out with Nick again.  

"Why do you need a whole week to source the ingredients for just one meal?"

"It's complicated.  My bosses are...well, people are just the worst, selfish a-holes.  And they're destroying the planet.  We'll all be dead in ten years, so what's the point."

Scene 5: The next morning, Nick wakes up to discover that Jack has hanged himself!  This came as a shock.

He doesn't grieve much, because he didn't really know the guy.  Suddenly Rabbit texts: "I need that $50,000 or your mum gets it!"  

Nick gets the bright idea of stealing Jack's identity, raiding his bank account to pay his gambling debts, and taking his place in the cushy chef job.  He talks his way into changing the password on Jack's bank account, then rushes out and buys a fake id.

Later that day, director Imogine and her assistant Maurice (Juan Carlos Messier) arrive, and are horrified that he's been there for a week,b ut hasn't vetted out the meat yet.  "No problem: it's just one meal.  I'll buy it tomorrow." 

"Buy it?  Are you daft?"  Uh-oh.

Director Imogene rushes him to a convenience store in town; maybe someone there is healthy.  Nope, they'll have to try again tomorrow.   Healthy?  Finally Nick realizes that he's supposed to cook people! 

Scene 6: Nick tries to leave during the night and change back to his Nick identity, but they are both up.  They sense that he's trying to leave, and explain: they serve 50 meals a year, but often choose two people, in case one is "rotten."  That's about 75 deaths per year, far fewer than workers in the oil industry, or cab drivers. Plus they channel 10% off their profits back into the community they harvest from, so it's a win-win.

But they're counting on Nick.  If he refuses to cook, or prepares a bad meal, he's dead.


Scene 7:
 In the morning, Maurice takes him into the village, where Sunday Mass is just letting out.  They set their sights on a teenage girl, but she's with an old lady, who would be no good.  An  auto mechanic named Jose (Felipe Solano) looks ok.  Maurice flirts with him, finds out about his interest in sports and healthy eating habits, and shoots him. 

Uh-oh, the two ladies have contacted the police, who interrogate Maurice.  He claims that they're scoping out sites for a possible hotel.  Nick is the architect.


Scene 8
: Back at the house, Nick has the job of prepping the body.

Left: Jose, N*de Dude #1










Want to see his frontside?

Afterwards Nick tries to run away again, but accidentally hits a member of the grounds crew (and crashes the car).  

Maurice tells him that only one chef has ever been allowed to quit: she cooked so well that the Agency was impressed, but instead of payment she asked to be released, and they agreed.  So maybe Nick could cook an exceptional meal, and get ou that way?

Scene 9: He announces four courses: Carpaccio with pozole soup; turnip spaghetti carbonara with sage beurre noisette; thigh Bourdelaise and beets;  and tongue sashimi for dessert (requested by one of the guests).  You don't generally think of beets and turnips as South American, but they grow specialized tropical varieties in Ecuador.


More after the break.  

The 18 best Gemstones stories: Kelvin with Percy, Cousin Karl with Vance and Percy, Keefe with Gideon, Pontius with Stacy. Plus Abraham comes out

 

I never wrote fan fiction before, but I got the urge frequently during the run of The Righteous Gemstones, to "fix" terrible plotlines, expand upon minor characters, and respond to the incessant "that doesn't make Kelvin gay" fan complaints.   There are 25 on Archive of Our Own, but I've only reposted 18 here:


Before Season 1

How do I Know If I'm G...:  Pontius pressures his older brother, 16-year old Gideon, into coming to his sleepover.  He invites the "juvenile delinquent" Manny, gets his first kiss, and wonders if he is g___.


During/After Season 1


My Boyfriend and my Satanist Ex-boyfriend at Thanksgiving Dinner.  Kelvin wants them to stay closeted at Thanksgiving Dinner with Keefe's family, but his ex-boyfriend, Daedalus, is coming, too, and wants to get back together.

Is there Sex After Death?  Scotty dies in Episode 1.8, but Grandma Aimee-Leigh guides him through all the moments of Gideon's life, so he can forgive him for all the moments lost to pettiness and fear.

Kelvin and Keefe under the Christmas tree.  After the events of Season 1, everyone thinks that Kelvin and Keefe are boyfriends -- except for Kelvin.


During/After Season 2

BJ's Angels.  I envision Gideon and two members of the God Squad getting jobs as detectives in a Charlie's Angels parody, with BJ as Charlie.




During/After Season 3

Bondage doesn't solve everythingThere were several hints in Episodes 1-2 that Kelvin and Keefe were into BDSM, so I wrote a story where they guys break up during a BDSM scene, then reconcile when Kelvin arranges for Keefe to get a job as manager of the Gemstone Health Club.

Kelvin's Rebound Date with Percy.  Percy appears in just one scene, as an interior designer working on the church board room.  In this story, Kelvin is distraught after the Episode 3.4 breakup, and his siblings suggest that he move on...with a date with Percy.


Gideon Moves out of the Friend Zone. After the Episode 3,4 breakup, Gideon gets the nerve to ask Keefe out.  They have a hookup, but is that enough to move out of the friend zone?

The Kiss Heard 'Round the World.  The day of the Episode 3.8 Kelvin/Keefe kiss, seen through the eyes of Amber, Gideon, Eli, Judy, Keefe, and Jesse.

More after the break

Brock Cock, Part 1: From the God Squad to the Immortal Kane, with bonus Daryl McCormack and James Duval


 
Everybody needs a little Brock O'Hurn now and then.  At least his 1.7 million instagram followers think so.  Brock has played any number of muscle-hunks, including Hulk Hogan, Thor, Tarzan, a "swole Mel Brooks," and guys named Horse and Ragnar Stormbringer.  






He may be most famous as  Torsten, the "gentle giant" of the God Squad, a homoerotic muscle commune, in Season 2 of The Righteous Gemstones.  Presumably Adam Devine isn't in character here, or he'd be much more interested in the muscles pressing against him.






Here Brock is a shirtless cowboy in the video Wild West Showdown.  








Brock is a co-creator and model for Kane Comic Universe about an immortal muscleman who travels through time, fighting demons, evil gods, madmen, and so on. Warning: Issue #2 features women's boobs rather than Brock pecs.






I promised Brock cock, but actually, he has only one nude scene on tv, in Euphoria, which I post in Brock Cock Part 2.   I just like saying "Brock cock."

But to fill my cock quota, here's Irish actor Daryl McCormack.











More Brock and cock after the break

"The Naked Brothers Band," the most heterosexist teencom on Nickelodeon. Plus the grown-up brothers' cocks, butts, and gay-vague characters.


Around 2008, I researched queer codes on children's tv for what turned out to be three scholarly articles.  I gave high scores to Drake and Josh,  Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide,  The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, The Wizards of Waverly Place, and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.  Phil of the Future, Ed Edd and Eddy, and Zoey 101 got low scores, and the lowest: The Naked Brothers Band.

It was a mockumentary about the misadventures of a fictional band led by preteen brothers, Alex and Nat Wolff.  They never explained the embarrassingly salacious name, but I assume that it meant that you would be seeing their real life, uncurated and unmediated. 

Of course, it was curated and mediated.  Alex and Nat did have a band, and some of their real-life bandmates (like Dan Levi, left) were in the cast, but most of the characters and situations were purely fictional.  They were not at all famous.  Yet.   

In 2004, actress Polly Draper had the idea of making a mockumentary about her sons' band, sort a preteen Spinal Tap or A Hard Day's Night.  She got her wealthy (or wealthier) brother to finance The Naked Brothers Band, filmed it in mid-town Manhattan, and entered it the 2005 Hamptons International Film Festival.  Nickelodeon bought it, and suggested a teencom spin-off, competition to the upstart Myley Cyrus in Hannah Montana. 


 Nat Wolff was only twelve years old, and Alex was nine,  a little young to handle a teencom by themselves, so Polly added adults to the cast to pull some of the weight.  Mostly her relatives: husband Michael Wolff as the boys' widowed dad; niece Jesse as their babysitter; brother Tim as the school principal. Plus a steady stream of celebrity friends, including Ryan Seacrest, Tony Hawk, and Whoopi Goldberg, popped by to play themselves.

The result was three seasons of intense nepotism and aggressive "girls! girls! girls!' hetero-horniness (2007-09).

I only watched one episode for my research project (there were over 30 programs in my dataset), so to be fair, I just watched another:  "Three is Enough" (February 8, 2008)

In the teaser, Alex wants to practice putting his arm around his "true love" in the movies.  Nat is skeptical -- he has a new "true love" every week.  But he agrees to play the girl.  Then Alex plays the girl so Nat can practice.  The gender-play is a queer code, but it's drowned out by the endless discussion of how many girls they like.


Next: they have writen a new song, "Three is Enough."  Babysitter Jesse agrees: three is the perfect amount of everything, from donuts to boys. For instance, she can't choose between the three "adorable Timmerman Brothers" (played by Polly's excessively rich nephews).  She implies that she is dating all of them, and perhaps not one at a time. Maybe they are involved in a queer four-way romance.




Then the Handsome Foreigner next door (Michael W. Barry)  asks her to the big horror movie.  The Timmermans get jealous and decide to spy on them.

At the studio, famous cartoonist Jules Feiffer, playing himself, is drawing cartoons to project over the band's new song.  Alex asks to be portrayed as cooler and more teenager-ish, and for the girl he is in love with to look more like his real-life true love.  

The main plot: their manager, 12-year old Cooper (Cooper Pillot) accidentally asks a girl for a date.  The band suggests various ways to get out of it, but he doesn't want to get out of it. He just wants Nat to come along for moral support.  But Nat needs a date, and he can't ask his on-off girlfriend Rosalie while they're "on a break."  Can he?  This section can't be easily queered; it's boys and girls all the way down.

Verdict: A few gender-bending moments , but no gay subtexts.

I couldn't even find any gay actors in the cast, except for Andre Keenan-Bolger, who played the snippy director Christophe in four episodes.

After the break: Have the Naked Brothers continued their heteronormative erasure as adults?  Have they gotten naked?

The ten best and ten worst Gemstones episodes, from the incredible "Wicked Lips" to the nonsensical, queerbaitiing "Burn For Burn, Stripe for Stripe"

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Jensen Gering: Fans say that he's gay, and played a gay singer on Nickelodeon. Are they right? With his brother, dad, Giovanni Ribisi, and Drake Bell

 


I found a file named "Jason Gehring" at the bottom of my "profiles to do."   There are several Jason Gehrings out there: a baker with a Grindr profile, a nurse from Milwaukee, an artist from Germany, and a history student from Syracuse, but none of them look like this.

Could it be "Jensen Gering" (no h), who has 70 pages of photos on the teen idol site?  A brief google reveals that Jensen is either gay in real life or played a gay character in a teencom called Erin and Aaron, or both, so let's try a profile.

Jensen's bio states that he is a singer, songwriter, guitarist, model (began at age one) and actor (began at age 13), and he's the son of the celebrities Galen Gering and Jenna Gering.

Great, two more people whom everyone in the world has heard of except me. 




Dad Galen Gerin
g (left) was born in Los Angeles in 1971, to incredibly famous parents whom I have never heard of.  

He is a model, filmmaker, and soap opera star, best known as Rafe Hernandez on Days of Our Lives: an FBI agent whose girlfriends are variously are kidnapped, trapped in abusive relationships, sociopaths, and dying of a brain tumor.  

He takes off his shirt a lot, a requisitie for soap studs.

Mom Jenna Gering  got her start as a model at age 14.  Then she studied theater and journalism at the University of Miami, and started her acting career in a 2000 episode of Baywatch.   She has 23 credits listed on the IMDB, including episodes of Two and a Half Men, The King of Queens, Castle, Miami Sands, and Bent (not the one about gay men in a Nazi concentration camp).


Brother Dillon (left) hasn't done any acting except for an uncredited hospital kid on his dad's soap, and the reality series Dirty Soap (2011), with the dirt on soap opera stars. Galen and Jenna's dirt: they eloped to Las Vegas instead of having a church wedding.  Quelle horreur!

Jensen grew in a theatrical environment, so he was naturally drawn to acting.  He has six credits, including:

The Confab (2019): Fading child stars Ryker Baloun  and Jensen compete for the last role they'll get before adolescence renders them unemployable.  Poor guy, already a has-been in his first real acting job.




Wickensburg 
(2022): "an extremely formulaic and predictable mess of a family adventure" about an extremely blond woman and her young son (Jensen) moving to a small town full of extremely silly paranormal secrets.With townsfolk named Willow Darkwood and Mr. Hexenmeister, what do you expect?  



Left: Mr. Wilson is played by Maurice Dean Wint, seen here in Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001): he has covered his crotch with Gummi Bears to shows the future Hedwig his erotic interests. 

Wickensburg got two sequels, a Return (2024) and an upcoming Secrets of.   No plot synopses online, but the trailer shows Jensen with The Girl of His Dreams. 

Sigh.  Let's check to see if Google is right about Jensen's Erin and Aaron character being gay.



It was a 2023 Nickelodeon teencom about two polar opposites, the sensitive, artistic Aaron (Jensen) and the wild, uninhibited Erin (Ava Ro), becoming stepsiblings when their parents marry (isn't that the premise of Drake and Josh?)  

Their disparate personalities cause friction, and their shared interest in music (piano and guitar, respectively) results in competition more often than not. For instance, Aaron can't buy a new piano because the music store owner hates Erin.

Annoying next door neighbor Hunter (Luca Diaz) stalks them both: he wants to be best friends with Aaron and date Erin.

Reviews were awful, and viewership was in 100,000 range (in contrast, Drake and Josh episodes averaged 3-5 million viewers).  13 episodes were filmed, but only 11 were aired.

More after the break.  Caution: Explicit.