I've been fooled by two tv series and a movie today.
Voice mails for Isabelle: A guy sits by Golden Gate Bridge, complaining to his dead sister he can't find his people in San Francisco. Where are all the drag queens. It took me 20 minutes to figure out that it's actually a girl, not a gay guy. She was wearing a hoodie and pants to trick you into watching.
Booth Bangla: A guy plans his sister's wedding. He doesn't express any heterosexual interest -- until halfway through the movie, when he meets the Girl of His Dreams.
Oasis: A family checks into an exclusive resort. Two boys immediately meet the Girls of Their Dreams, and an established couple smooch. I was holding out for the teenage daughter to be a lesbian because she keeps cruising girls. Nope, she meets the Boy of Her Dreams at Minute 12.
Heck with it. I'm watching The Season on Hulu, about "the glittering world of super-yachts, sun, and scandal" in Hong Kong. At least there will be some nice exterior shots.
Episode 1 Prologue. A woman tells us: "Hong Kong is a city of bloodlines. It will destroy you." An elegantly dressed middle-aged woman floats in the water outside a burning yacht. She sinks.
Scene 1: Six weeks earlier. A young woman jogs through Hong Kong. Nice exterior shots. Someone named Carrie calls, and tells her that her job today is impress the Hexts. Impress them, and you've got it made in Hong Kong.
A taxi takes her through the forest to her destination, a mansion or institution. Carrie ends her cardio work out to greet her. Back story: Her name is Cola (I love your parents' products, girl!), she has graduated with a degree in economics and maths, and her classmate Carrie, a wealth mover, has invited her to come out to Hong Kong as an intern. "I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get a full-time job offer," Cola says. Lie? Steal? Blow up yachts?
The summer is Boating Season, where Hong Kong A-Listers decide who they will admit to their social network. You have one chance to make a good impression; a single misstep, and you're out.
Scene 2: A lady, maybe Carrie, tells the staff that everything must be spotless, and asks Jon if he is ready for the maiden voyage. "Bring on the Bacchanalia," he says in a bored/aesthete tone. He'll be telling the guests to "Diversity at your own risk." He must be gay.
His teenage daughter sneers: "Great small talk, dad." Nope.
On the way upstairs to change, Jon asks a Male Staffer, "Is everything ready?" Maybe they are having an affair. Wife, now calling him Christopher, says "I really need this to work."
Why the changed name? It turns out that Bored Aesthete is Christopher (Toby Stephens, the Dad on Lost in Space). Jon (Lee-Jai Yoon, top photo) is the Male Staffer. Wife asked him a question while she was walking away from him, toward Christopher, who answered for him.
Scene 3: Cola and Carrie enter the yacht. They're joined by a guy named Andrew Fung (Chris Pang of Crazy Rich Asians), who was in St. Tropez, but it's too hot in Europe. "Global warming is so inconvenient."
When Carrie introduces Cola, Andrew teases "A younger, hotter version of you?" Heterosexual identity established in his second sentence. His "lovely wife" Niki arrives and is introduced. Her family owns the Harbor Club, and are the bitter rivals of the Hexts, whom they are there to impress.
Next Jay and Sara Byford, from Melbourne, arrive and kiss up to Andrew and his Lovely Wife, but he doesn't like them.
He does like Hong Kong's most eligible bachelor, David Ho (Justin Chien, left). Maybe he's.....
Confused by the plethora of names? Don't worry; all you really need to know is that everyone is very rich, very bored, and heterosexual.
Back story: the family from Scene 2 are Christopher and Fiona Hext. This is their yacht. Wait -- everyone is here to impress them. Why are they concerned about the day going well? Spoiler alert: they're having financial problems.
Sceme 4: Cola is introduced to the Hext Family. "How nice to see some new faces!" Fiona Hext exclaims.
Cola is turned on by a semi-shirtlessC hunk with his lady, but Carrie warns her: "God, no, that's Matthias! Just a personal trainer, not rich. Ignore." Heterosexual identity established at Minute 11.
Left: Lincoln Younes plays Matthias the Personal Trainer, Gigolo, Drug Dealer, and Actor.
Dirt on the Hexts: "Christopher's family practically invented colonialism, and Fiona's Old Hong Kong money fueled it."
Scene 5: Eligible Bachelor is helping the Captain pilot the ship. Christopher Hext takes over and asks how things are going since the divorce. It must be rough. After all, he and Lian were together for 13 years. Don't get your hopes up -- Lian can be used for any gender, but 2/3rds of the time, it's a girl. And gay marriage is not permitted in Hong Kong, so he would have to establish residence somewhere else if Lian was a guy.
"You're right, I'm miserable. How are you doing?"
"Miserable, too."
More after the break
Scene 6: Montage of people drinking, laughing, and flirting, while the staff scurries about. So they drive the boat to the middle of the harbor and park it? Why not just stay on land?
Left: Wilson Cheung, who plays a rich dude in four episodes.
Uh-oh, a motorboat approaching. Madeline, the grieving widow. "She's supposed to be in Bali," Fiona Hext growls. "Why on Earth would she be coming here?" She glares for awhile, grimaces, downs some booze, and puts on a smile to announce "A surprise! My niece is arriving!"
Cut to Fiona Hext yelling at her husband Christopher for inviting that...person. The Teenage Daughter, I think, is eavesdropping, until Male Staffer Jon interrupts her, and she storms off.
She goes up onto the deck, where everyone is grim and glaring. Cola asks what's going on. "People here live in a bubble where everything is shining, even though they're dying inside." .
"Sounds good to me," Cola tells her. "Better than being stuck in a 9-5 job in a small town in Michigan, projecting your every disappointment onto your daughter." You want to get rich because your mom was abusive?
Scene 7: The Eligible Bachelor gets a text from the ex-wife about their son's stuffed tiger. He is joined by someone I don't recognize. Maybe he's a gay friend.
Nope, "Which of these beautiful women are you going to f*ck? "
"None. I keep hoping that the ex-wife will take me back."
"Come on, you have to!" Straight Friend insists. "I have a wife and kids, so I can't do anything. I want to live vicariously through you. How about Cola? Dumb name, great body."
"I guess, if I have to, she'll be ok."
Cut to Cola snooping in the master suite. She finds a group photo that disturbs her, and steals it. A close up of earrings in Fiona Hext's jewelry tray.
Cut to the Grieving Widow upset in the kitchen. The Straight Friend grabs her from behind; they try to eat each other's faces. I think they're aliens who have never kissed anyone before, and don't quite know how to do it. She starts going downtown, but he's too nervous.
Scene 8: Lunch at Lamma, a real restaurant in Hong Kong. Lots of close-ups of the live seafood. Cola tries to sit next to Christopher Hext, which annoys his Teenage Daughter: "Making a play? You want something, don't you?"
Carrie sits next to Eligible Bachelor. She explains that they have worked for the Hexts before -- "a lot of late nights. We struck up quite a friendship..."
Someone brought wine. Christopher Hext criticizes it as "mundane."
Cut to the Male Staffer and another staffer checking the portfolios of the guests. "Anybody we should worry about?"
"Yeah, Cola. She's up to something."
Scene 9: Pan through dozens of shacks on square pontoons. I don't know what they are.
On the way out, Fiona Hecht yells at her for ignoring rules of etiquette. This is supposed to demonstrate how horrible they are, but I can see Fiona's point. At lunch with strangers, you have to keep things light.
Cut to Cola realizing that she screwed up, and will not be invited back.
Scene 10: Time for a special surprise: A performance by the Hong Kong superstars Anson Lo (left) and Mauf Yau, playing themselves!
Cola's earrings are missing. She asks a staff member, but Fiona Hext overhears and announces a prize for whoever finds them -- tickets to Mauf Yau's next concert.
Montage of everyone searching the public areas of the ship and the staff quarters. Male Staffer reports to Fiona Hext that they can't find the earrings. Shall they start searching the guest rooms?
"No, check the staff again."
Scene 11: Eligible Bachelor approaches Cola. She suggests that, since he and Carrie used to be "friends," he go to her favorite hangout, the Artifact, tonight. He's trying to get with you, lady. Maybe you're gay after all, and Carrie misunderstood earlier.
Fiona announces that they haven't found the earrings yet. Cola apologizes for causing such a fuss, and tells them that this is now her worst travel story. This seems to appease Fiona, who invites her to the races next week.
Scene 12: Night. Cola stares glumly at the photo she stole. She finds her missing earrings. Wait -- they're identical to the ones in Fiona's jewelry tray. Did she steal them? Or does this signify that she is related to the family somehow?
Cut to a montage of the guests dealing with their demons: an affair; paying for a gigolo; child custody; inheritance problems; cancer. Christopher Hext asks Male Staffer Jon to find out who's been snooping into his past. Cola heads to the Aberdeen Prison, where apparently you can visit in the middle of the night, and tells an elderly inmate "Hi Dad, I'm home." In Cantonese. She's from Hong Kong!
Beefcake: Some shirtless shots.
Other Sights: Lots of Hong Kong exteriors.
Heterosexism: Everybody is hooking up. Two tongue-swallowing scenes.
Gay Characters:Anson Lo is gay in real life, but here he sings with a bikini-clad lady, then invites Fiona Hext to dance.
Left: This review was a little cock-light, so here's Hong Kong boy Thomas Powell making out with his boyfriend underwater in Amphetamine (2010).
My Grade: Seeing Hong Kong was fun, but a threat to a rich person's dynasty just isn't very interesting. Especially with no gay characters. C.
See also: The 10 Crazy Ripped Hunks of "Crazy Rich Asians"
John Karlen: Vampire's boyfriend, lesbian subtext husband, bi guy shows his stuff. Mentions Hong Kong.
Maxwell Jenkins: The "Lost in Space" guy all grown up, hanging with Kevin Bacon, doing acrobatics, and showing his abs. With Toby Stephens' butt.
Gemstones Episode 3.4: Wieners, betrayals, a burning a-hole, and Kelvin at his jerkiest. With nude Steve Zahn bonus. Keefe speaks Cantonese.
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