Gemstones Episode 3.7: The handsome man, queerbaiting, misdirection, and me yelling "What the f*k!" a lot

Previous: Episode 3.6 Continued: Kelvin and Keefe fight, BJ and Stephen fight, and nobody likes hologram Aimee-Leigh

In Episode 3.6, we saw the aftermath of the Judy/BJ and Kelvin/Keefe breakups, with failed reconciliation attempts, a fist fight, and both Kelvin and Judy quitting their jobs at the church.  In this episode, things get even worse.

When I watched the first time, I kept yelling "What the f*k!", being annoyed and then outraged by the constant misdirections, chronological flubs, and queerbaiting. It looked very much like Danny McBride was telling us: "Kelvin and Keefe are straight buddies.  Fooled you!"

But that's impossible.  There were not only 200-plus queer codes, Season 1 and 2 both ended with affirmations of their love.  McBride didn't know if the series would be renewed, so each season finale might be the last we see of the characters.  And what we see is "They are in love," not "Keefe, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend."

Knowing what comes after,  I am going to re-watch this episode, looking for any evidence that suggests that saying "Kelvin and Keefe are just friends" does not mean that "Kelvin and Keefe are just friends."

Title: "Burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe."  Exodus 21:25. Fans argued like mad about trying to connect the burn/wound/stripe to the personalities or kidnapping strategies of the Gemstone siblings, but it's a misdirection. The previous verse has the more familiar "eye for eye, tooth for tooth." It just means that the punishment should fit the crime.

Burn for burn and all that:  During the evening of the day of the Aimee-Leigh Hologram debacle, the BJ-Stephen penis fight, and probably the Kelvin-Keefe rocking chair fight, Judy goes to a drug store to buy pain medication for BJ.  On her way home, goons from Peter's militia crunch her car with the Redeemer and grab her. 

Misdirection alert: the trailer makes it look like she is the one crunching. 

Chuck Montgomery tries to trick Jesse, and when that doesn't work, the goons shoot him with a tranquilizer dart.  

Kelvin bangs on the door at Woodpecker's Carpentry, yelling: "Are there any woodworkers in there? I'm looking for Keefe Chambers!"  Now that he's no longer worried about his job at the church, he's free to reconcile with Keefe.    But it's long after hours; the building is dark and deserted. Why would anyone be inside?  Besides, Keefe told Kelvin where he was working; wouldn't he give him his new address and phone number, too?

Imagine if someone were inside: "See, my ex-boyfriend and I had this big fight, and he doesn't want me to have his new number, and I don't know where he's staying...I need to see him...no, I am not a stalker!"

Six militia men wearing scary masks surround Kelvin.  The trailer makes him look paralyzed with fear, but actually he is quite brave, trying to intimidate them and then defend himself.  They punch and hit him, and squirt a toxic liquid into his eyes -- which stings but has no long term effects.  Why does Kelvin need six guys to take him down?  Why does he get a more brutal kidnapping?  I don't know.

Screaming like a woman:  The three siblings are put in what everyone calls a chicken silo, although chickens are housed in coops.  They are tied to chairs, with pillowcases over their heads.  What for?  You don't need to be imprisoned and tied up both.

Fans uncomfortable with the idea of gay relationships noticed that Kelvin's pillowcase resembles the trans pride flag, thereby signaling that he is actually a transgender woman.  Doubtful: Jesse's depicts the cartoon character Maisie Mouse. 

Kelvin yells for help. Uncle Peter enters and asks if he is "screaming like a woman," maybe a dig at his gayness, but more likely because he considers any emotion "like a woman."   He explains that the militia is holding them for ransom.

The handsome man: When Keefe arrives for work the next morning, he sees Kelvin's car with the doors still open, checks the ground for signs of a struggle, and asks his coworkers, "Have you seen The Handsome Man?"  This makes no sense, as Kelvin only visited once, for a few minutes, and most of the carpenters weren't paying attention.

Cut to Amber and BJ noticing that their partners didn't come home last night. Next, Eli, at the office even though he's retired and should be fishing, receives a scary video of Kelvin crying and Judy and Jesse screaming in rage.  The gay one has a "sensitive" reaction. Peter gives the ransom demand.  

Eli goes home and confronts May-May: "Your sons have fucked me over."  She denies that she has anything to do with the kidnapping.

Back at the chicken silo, the siblings complain about the heat and the food, and bicker.  Shouldn't they be praying?  They're religious, right?

Cut to BJ, Amber, Gideon, and Eli discussing the kidnapping with Sheriff Brenda. They were kidnapped in town, so it should be the Rogers Police. Notice that Keefe is not there.  Why didn't Eli call him?  Because his number has changed, because they have broken up, or because he is just a friend, not a partner?

The Freemans arrive.  Tiffany has made dolls of the siblings --very quickly -- "for you to hug and kiss until they come home safe."  She gives the Kelvin doll to Eli.  Same question: Why doesn't she save it for Keefe? Because  they have broken up, or because they were never partners to begin with?

Geography problem: How did they get to Eli's house so fast?  Don't they live in Florida?  

The trailer made it seem like the militia sent the dolls, adding a hint of the paranormal that turned out to be a misdirection.  Still, they look like Gullah Island voodoo dolls: "You can hug and kiss them until your loved ones come home safe.  And if they ever stray, you can make their privates fall off." 

More queerbaiting after the break

Theo James: Why is he naked all the time, and has he done anything gay-positive?

 

In White Lotus Season 2, Cameron and Ethan (Theo James, Will Sharpe) and their wives visit the Italian resort, and start flirting with every woman in sight, plus each other. In Episode 4, Cameron even says "I want to be inside you.  I want to do stuff to you."  But it is just queerbaiting; the two never lock lips.  In fact, they hate each other.

You could probably figure that White Lotus, well known for its shocking homophobia, would never portray an actual gay romance.  After all, it was created and written by Mike White, aka The Devil. 

But Theo James is not personally homophobic; he has been interviewed an a dozen gay magazines, he wants to play a gay action-adventure hero, and he was in the running to play gay pop star George Michael.  Let's check his previous work for gay roles.

The Time Traveler's Wife (2022) features (straight) lovers stymied by the guy's frequent involuntary time slips.  Heterosexuals all the way down, although it does give us some nice rear and frontal nudity.

Sanditon (2019-22) is an adaption of a novel that Jane Austen left unfinished at her death in 1817. There is actually a gay character, outed in the second season. Theo plays Sidney Parker, whom focus character Charlotte love/hates with the "He's arrogant!" trope.  

In the animated Castlevania (2018-21), Theo plays Hector, whose plot is propelled by that horribly cliched Dead Wife Trope.  

Archive (2020)?  Another guy with a Dead Wife, who he tries to recreate with an android.  Yawn.  I'm beginning to think that it will be tired cliches as well as heterosexuals  all the way down.  Are the butts and dicks worth the trouble?

Lying and Stealing (2019)? Caper romance between two thieves.

How it Ends (2018)?  "In the midst of an Apocalypse, a man struggles to reach his pregnant fiance, who is a thousand miles away." That's actually the motive behind about half of the characters on The Walking Dead: "I'm looking for my wife!"

Before The White Lotus, Theo was most famous for the Divergent series, four movies set in a teen dystopia where people are classified according to their primary virtue: Candor, Dauntless, Erudite, Abnegation, and Amity.  He plays Four, a Dauntless instructor who romances focus character Beatrice. 

Ok, let's try Theo's future projects.  In the upcoming The Gentleman (2024), he plays Eddie Halsted, who inherits his father's estate without realizing that it is the front for a drug empire.  And he...falls in love...with...

I give up.

Bonus: Theo dick after the break

Vice Principals Episode 1.8: Danny McBride and Walton Goggins have dreams of glory

 Fans suggest that I try Vice Principals (2016-2018), Danny McBride's earlier series about two high school vice principals scheming to take down their principal so they can take her job and enjoy all that fame, power, and wealth. Really?  "Best show on television!" "Hilarious!" "McBride is a comedic genius!"

Other fans caution that it's homophobic, racist, and loaded-down with queerbaiting.  Before the kiss canonized Kelvin and Keefe in the penultimate episode of Season 3, the "they can't be gay!" crowd often used this in their arguments: "McBride queerbaited before, so that's what he's doing now." '

Uh-oh.  I'll watch an episode, just to track the queerbaiting.

One of my favorite aspects of Gemstones is the intricate plotting.  You have to pay attention to every detail, re-watch, do screen captures.   What book is Eli reading?  Does that rattlesnake sound signify that the character is secretly evil?  Hey, the BJ and Judy break-up is a precise parallel to the Kelvin-Keefe break-up.  That line in Episode 4 is repeated in Episode 6, but has a different structural significance.  I'm also interested in seeing if Vice Principals is similarly complex.

Anoother of my favorite aspects is its happy endings: every season finale wraps up all the plot threads (no cliffhangers).  Every relationship has reconciled, every broken heart has been mended, and the ghost of the kids' mother Aimee-Leigh looks down approvingly.  I wanted to see if Vice Principals has similar happy endings, so I watched the Season 1 finale.

Scene 1: Ganby (Danny McBride) and Lee (Walton Goggins) have lured Principal Brown into a night of drunken debauchery to discredit her.  They leave her passed out in the bathtub of a sleazy hotel, then gather all the incriminating evidence and burn it, marveling at how beautiful it is.

Scene 2: Ganby is giving his daughter a horse named Charlemagne to make up for the loss of her motorcycle, named Shadowfax. She is angry, and ignores him. 

Later he asks how she likes the horse.  She still prefers the motorcycle.  Besides, aren't horses expensive to keep up?  Ganby tells her that he'll be principal soon, so money is irrelevant.  Are principals really rich?  

Scene 3: In the school cafeteria, the guys criticize Principal Brown for eating too much. They have a highlight reel of the footage they shot, which will destroy her forever, but Ganby isn't excited: he can't even remember his line, "End of the line, Slut!"  He gazes at Amanda, the lady he was having an affair with, who is now ghosting him.

Scene 4: The guys lure Principal Brown in the woods by claiming that kids are sneaking out there to smoke marijuana.  She tries to explain her "gin-soaked evening," but it's all a  blur.  "I'm glad you were there to help me," she continues.  "I really appreciate it."  Uh-oh, they're having second thoughts. 

Ganby tries to say "End of the line, Slut," but can't.  Lee steps in: "We have this here video of you acting all crazy."  Not having sex with randos?  "Your career is over!  We won, bitch!"  

He brags about some of the other things they did to her, like burn down her house, causing her to attack, punching and kicking them.  If you've been waiting your whole life to see a middle-aged black lady and white man in a fist fight, your prayers have been answered.  I find it a bit uncomfortable due to the overlay of institutional racism and patriarchy.  She is a far superior fighter, if that helps.

Finally Lee blackmails her: step down as principal, or the video goes viral. Hey, isn't that a plot arc of the first season of Righteous Gemstones: give us a million dollars, or we'll post this video of your sex-and-drugs party?

Scene 5:  As a final act, Lee threw Principal Brown's shoe away, so she has to walk down the rocky trail half-barefoot.  She walks to her car in slow motion, gazes longingly at the school, and drives off. 

Cut to Ganby watching his daughter ride her horse.  Ray (Shea Whigham) drops by.  Wikipedia says that he is the husband of Ganby's ex, whom Ganby hates even though he is a nice guy.  So the daughter's stepfather? 

They are happy that the daughter is "doing what she loves again," "out of death's way."  Call back to an earlier crisis?  Ray complains that, as stepfather, he'll always be second in the daughter's heart. (Ok, ok, I looked up her name: Janelle.)  "I'm jealous.  Whatever I do, she'll always love you more."  They bond.

Scene 6: Ganby drives to the school, and sees that Principal Brown's car is not there.  He asks around: no one has seen her since yesterday.  Also, the Superintendent wants to set up a meeting with you.

Cut to the guys telling the faculty about her resignation: "We have no idea why.  The woman had many dark secrets.  It was probably substance abuse."  They keep stacking it up, don't they?

Edie Patterson (Judy on The Righteous Gemstones) makes a ruckus, yelling at Amanda, woman who ghosted Ganby, for talking. She plays a Spanish teacher with a crush on him, so that makes sense.  Ganby yells at her, too.

Scene 7:  Out in the hallway, Amanda wants to know why Ganby singled her out, when everyone was talking.  Because he hates you?  She explains that she was turned off by how he handled Bill Haydn, and he counters that they aren't meant to be together anyway, because he's moving up in the ranks, and she's stuck as a lowly English teacher.

Scene 8: Ganby and Lee outside the South Carolina Public Schools building, congratulating each other for fulfilling their dream of principal superstardom. They assure each other that, whoever is selected, they will still be buds. They shake hands.  No gay subtext here. but no queerbaiting, either.

Scene 9: The Superintendent wants to know how it is possible for two principals to leave in the same year.  Plus the missing textbooks.  So he wants them to serve as co-principals. 

Wait -- I thought Principal Brown was going to be there, getting an evil vengeance.  Or the Superintendent would blame the guys for everything that happened, and fire them.  They get what they want?  But they are awful people!

They leave in slow motion, hollering and hugging and kicking the air.  Still no gay subtext.

Scene 10: Ganby goes home to a surprise party thrown by the ex-wife, daughter, and Ray, who made him a hunting knife in the shop.  Chekhov's gun: somebody better use that knife in the next 10 minutes.

And, by the way, Ganby bought his daughter Janelle a new motorcycle.

Scene 11: Lee is home with his wife, waiting for the school website to be updated.  There it is, the co-principals!  He complains about the picture they used, but his wife tells him to "Be happy."  Still waiting for some comeuppance, McBride. But then again, on RG, Peter kidnaps Jesse, Judy, and Kelvin, plans to kill them, and then plans to blow up the church, and he gets forgiven and reconciled just because he sacrificed himself to save the family.

Lee wants to know where his mother-in-law is, so he can rub her face in his victory.  But she already knows: she went into her room to pout.

Scene 12: The co-principals raise the flag on their first day. Lee congratulates Ganby on being evil enough to get the job done, but Ganby counters that they both did evil shit.  But they don't have a change of heart: they walk in slow motion through the school, enjoying the adulation.  Did Lee just slap that boy on the butt?

In the cafeteria, the chef has prepared special pancakes for them. 

Ganby gets the courage to talk to the ghost girl Amanda. He apologizes for treating her like shit and spreading rumors. They reconcile and kiss.  Interesting: they discuss their relationship in work terms. Kelvin and Keefe do that all the time.

Emergency!  Ganby is called to the parking lot: both their cars are on fire!  Then they explode! Former Principal Brown walks up in a scary mask and shoots him twice.  He lies on the pavement, dying.  The end.

Beefcake: None.  Not even on the internet.  I had to dig to find Shea Whigham and Ryan Boz (who appears in only two episodes).

Homophobia/Queerbaiting:  I didn't see any.  No gay subtexts at all.

Intricate plotting: Not at all. Very straightforward. Set-ups that go nowhere. The lost shoe should have played a role in the resolution. That knife should have been used to stab Ganby.

All plot threads resolved: no, cliffhanger.

Happy ending:  Two reconciliations, I think, but definitely not a happy ending, with the main character dying. 

My Grade: I don't know what those fans were talking about.  No homophobia, no queerbaiting, but no genius, either.  A sophomore effort at best. C+