Edward Padilla: "Suburgatory" short guy hangs out with Brad Pitt and Mel Gibson, plays priests and Chicano Divas, has a husband and a d*ck

We're rewatching Suburgatory (2011-2014), about a high school girl transplanted from cool Manhattan to the ritzy suburban town of Chatswin, Connecticut. I have yet to understand the opening lyrics: "Last night I had a dah dah dah dah," which the subtitles translate as "perfect nightmare."  I don't like the low-key homophobia, with several "everybody thinks he's gay, har har" plotlines.  But it's a nostalgic pleasure remembering that era -- just 15 years ago -- when everything was bright and fresh and hopeful.  Plus there are lots of cute guys.  

Today I'm researching Edward Padilla, who plays country club lackey Jauvier.  He's not as swoonworthy as Joe Mande on Modern Family, but he's cute, and 5'6".  Short is short. 

Eddie was born in 1972, and grew up in San Diego,  He received a B.A. in Theater from the University of Southern California, plus a Master of Public Health from the Keck School of Medicine.  I couldn't find any photos from the 1990s except this one, which may be of another "Eddie Padilla."

His on-camera work begins with Mr. Jones (1993): Richard Gere, years after his iconic nude scene in American Gigolo, plays a mentally ill guy who starts a romance with his therapist.  Eddie plays a bellboy. 

His television work begins in Mexico with Tales from Beyond (2003) the Spanish version of the paranormal investigation show;  Te amaré en silencio (2003-04), a telenovela about a deaf girl; and the pilot Mi Vida Lorca (2004), which has nothing to do with the gay poet Federico Garcia Lorca.

Next he played a delivery driver on The King of Queens, a baby on The Drew Carey Show,a priest on Bones , a priest on Dirt, and a judge on Southland.while pursuing a career in public health.

Eddie's IMDB page says that he's best known for Man On Fire (2004), with Denzel Washington as a CIA agent who vows revenge on those who committed "unspeakable acts."   But he only worked as "Additional Crew."  Maybe it's memorable because of Denzel.

That explains the other movies on the "best known for" list: Colombian Military Officer in Mr and Mrs Smith (2005), with Brad Pitt; Test Site Technician in Spider-Man 3 (2007), with Tobey Maguire; and Addiitonal Crew on Get the Gringo (2012), with Mel Gibson.  

The gay ally Brad Pit, the heterosexist Tobey Maguire, and the frothing homophobe Mel Gibson.  You're all over the map, dude.

I'd rather remember him for roles that actually involved acting: Jauvier in Suburgatory (2011-2014), a priest on Jane the Virgin (2015), a priest on Will and Grace (2017), a preacher on I'm Dying Up Here (2018), a priest in Pecados Ajenos (2021)...

Getting typecast, buddy?

The only queer content I can see is in Big Tony's Ballet (2020): In the 1950s, mobster Big Tony must deal with his 7-year old son's interest in ballet.  God and God's Husband appear 

And Quinceañera (2024): At the party celebrating her 15th birthday, a girl "confronts her feelings for a shy girl she met at dance practice."  Edward plays a priest, of course.

More after the break

Matt Crabtree: Shy, quiet, stuttering Southern boy grows up to "Modern Family," "Will and Grace," one-man shows, and dicks

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Jason Marsden: Second hottest of the Short Guy Brigade, Steve Smith, Max Goof, and Robin. With Marsden dicks

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Ryan Pinkston: Hottest of the Short Guy Brigade, martial artist, gigolo, gay cop. With some costar dicks

 

I've never been interested in tall guys; I like them short, the shorter the better, and in the 2000s, the 5'4" Ryan Pinkston was one of the hottest of the Short Guy Brigade

Born in Silver Spring, Maryland, a suburb of Washington DC, Ryan got his start in martial arts: he received his black belt in Wushu Kung Fu at age nine and went on to championships in karate, kung fu, and tae kwan do.

An interview on the Jenny Jones talk show landed him an agent, and within a month he had roles in Spy Kids: 3D (2003) and Bad Santa (2003), and he was helping Austin Kutcher play celebrity pranks on Punked.

But there was a problem.  Although handsome, muscular -- and short -- Ryan was typecast as an aggressive wise guy, basically a jerk. So that's the sort of role he received

In 2004, the 16-year old got his own tv series, Quintuplets, about teenage quintuplets with conflicting personalities.  His Patton was pushy and aggressive; brother Parker (Jake McDorman, left) was the athlete, and Pearce (Johnny K. Lewis, below) was the nerd, who actually danced with another boy in a "prom" episode.

Left: Johnny K. Lewis today

Next came the boorish Felch in Revenge of the Nerds (2006), chronic liar Sam Leonard in Full of It (2007), and Fletcher in the homophobic College (2008), which paradoxically offered an extensive homoerotic subtext.

Ryan's guest spots on the teencoms Out of Jimmy's Head and Hannah Montana were a little better, jerks with a soft, sensitive side.

But then he hit the bottom of the barrel: teen sex comedies. Foreign Exchange (2008), Extreme Movie (2008) with Frankie Muniz, Adventures in Online Dating (2009).

At least he had no problem with shirtless, shower, and swimsuit shots, though he drew the line at nudity.  And he was ok with rolling around with other guys naked.  Teens could sigh over the homoerotic subtexts even if they didn't like his characters.
 
But then, in 2010, something remarkable happened: a complete turnaround.  Ryan's characters changed from jerks to nice guys, and coincidentally some buddy-bonding was added to the girl-crazy schtick.

Boy Band (2010): in 1982, his Greg buddy-bonds with Brad (Michael Copon) to form the first boy band in history.

Tower Prep (2010), about a school for kids with paranormal powers: his Gabe has a crush on Ian Archer (Drew Van Acker).

Cougars, Inc. (2011): his Jimmy and best friend Sam (Kyle Gallner) can't afford college tuition, so start an escort service pairing older women with teenage boys.  Hey, is that legal? Of course, they get in on the action, too.  We get a nice shot of Ryan's butt as the camera lingers on his supine body, but this only nudity in any movie.

Frontal nudity after the break

Kelvin/Keefe Memes: Cooking, testifying, honeymooning, sinking. With Jack from "Will and Grace" and some random nude dudes

I've had nothing but trouble with these memes -- jokes --  featuring Kelvin and Keefe of The Righteous Gemstones and friends.  First the G-rated version got slapped behind a "sensitive content" barrier, and then I accidentally saved the G-rated on the explicit site, and had to reconstruct everything. 

I hope these memes are worth it.

1. I like my coffee hot and black, like my...

Wait, everyone's heard that one. Go back in the bedroom; I'll think of a joke later.

2. BJ and Keefe go to church

BJ: Praise Jesus!  Testify!  I got the Spirit of God in me!

Keefe: When will this be over so Kelvin and I can go home and make out?

3. The Men's Room

Keefe: During my Satanist days, I spent a lot of time in the men's room of that truck stop off Highway17. Want to give it a try?

Kelvin: You always have the best ideas for Date Night.

4. The honeymoon

Kelvin: You want to go sightseeing?  But Keefe, this is only the fifth day of our honeymoon.  The Eiffel Tower can wait.

5. I got your Eiffel Tower right here.

More memes after the break

Mark Harelik: You've seen his physique a hundred times. Now's your chance to see his dick.

 

You might not know his name, but you've seen Mark Harelik's macho "former high school letterman" physique on tv a hundred times.

On Cheers as Reed Manchester, the gay guy who Diane pretends to be married to.

On Wings as Helen's boyfriend, who she didn't bother to break up with before marrying Joe.

On Seinfeld as Milos, who Jerry threatens to out as a terrible tennis player.  Milos offers to set him up with an attractive woman to buy his silence, but she turns out to be his wife.

As Jedidah Lawrence, on Boy Meets World, who lies to his daughter Topanga about the reason he left his wife.

As Jeff, Single Guy Jonathan Silverman's neighbor who takes him in while his apartment is being repaired.  He is in a relationship with Mike (Michael Winters)

As Tim, Jack's boss who keeps making passes at him, on Will and Grace. 

 

As Dr. Eric Gablehauser, the pop-star head of the physics department on The Big Bang Theory

As Joe, buddy of Grace and Frankie's Lily Tomlin and her gay ex-husband, Sam Waterston.

As God in The Preacher, which also starred Dominic Cooper.

Mark's dick after the break