Gemstones Episode 4.2, Continued: Pontius' private parts, Gideon's butt buddy, and JR's junk. Plus Karen from "Will and Grace" sings

 

Previous: Gemstones Episode 4.2: Baby Billy's dong, BJ's pole, Kelvin's pipe, and the Clobber Verses.

In Part 1, the conflicts of the seasons were introduced: Eli is looking for meaning, BJ for independence, and Keefe for a wedding ring. Next up: Jesse and his Cain-and-Abel sons, Pontius and Gideon.

Pontius' Private Parts: Jesse taping a commercial for his new line of Prayer Pods, like privacy pods except that inside you can pray, play Bible Bonkers, listen to a sermon, and so on.  He forces the entire family into one.  It's a tight fit: Pontius, sitting on his lap, deliberately farts in his face.

In the dressing room, we get some back story:  Pontius (top photo and left) got kicked out of the Citadel for low grades, and  because he was posting videos of his buddies sticking firecrackers up each other's butts.  

That sounds like slang for homoerotic activity, but apparently it's a real thing: people put fireworks in their friends' butts as a prank.  

I still think Ponty is hinting at homoerotic interests..

Amber notes that you can "hurt your privates doing things like that, but Pontius insists that his privates work fine, disgusting his parents.  Darn, now you have viewers checking out your bulge.

Gideon's Butt Buddy: Jesse can't communicate with his father Eli, but Gideon has no trouble: "I call Granddad, or he calls me."  

This enrages Jesse, who calls them "butt buddies."  Amber points out that the phrase actually refers to "sodomy," so he backs down: "I didn't mean it like that.  I'm not trying to say that he's trying to f*k Daddy in the ass."  Of course not, Gideon is a bottom.

This is a continuation of the Eli-Gideon relationship from Season 3, so it shouldn't come as a surprise.  I'm wondering, however, if Gideon is ever going to have a relationship with anyone outside the family.  His last friend or boyfriend was Scotty, who died at the end of Season 1.  Your Granddad has overcome his grief and moved on, Gide Baby; maybe you should, too.

Abraham's got nothing: Poor Gavin; his last plot arc was in Season 2, and it was about masturbation.  Looks like he's got nothing here, either; after the Prayer Pod commercial, he sits by himself and plays on his cell phone, just entering the conversation to laugh that his Dad is "butthurt" over Gideon's relationship with Eli.  

Amber criticizes that phrase as referencing "sodomy" also.  What you got against anal sex, girl?

Karen arrives:  The siblings are getting jetpack training from J.R. Rodriguez (good idea), when it's time for the friend or relative from Eli's past to arrive and shake things up: Baby Billy in Season 1; Junior in Season 2; May-May in Season 3; and now "Mama's bestie," Lori , played by Megan Mullaly, Karen on Will and Grace.   

Everyone rushes to hug her; Kelvin blurts out "I love you."  It sounds like he means it in a romantic way.  Is he going to dump Keefe for the old lady?  They discuss how much they miss Aimee-Leigh.

She explains that she hasn't visited for awhile because she's been doing dinner theater in Pigeon Forge -- the Smokey Mountains home of Dolly Parton's Dollywood and other countrified attractions.  An article in Focus, the Tennessee LGBTQ magazine, calls it a "Gay Mecca."

Maybe not a mecca; it's still overwhelmingly "family friendly" conservative fundamentalist Christian. They had a "Gay Day" at Dollywood in 2004, but horrified protests caused it to not be repeated.

More after the break. Caution: Explicit

Ryan Pinkston: Hottest of the Short Guy Brigade, martial artist, gigolo, gay cop. With some costar dicks

 

I've never been interested in tall guys; I like them short, the shorter the better, and in the 2000s, the 5'4" Ryan Pinkston was one of the hottest of the Short Guy Brigade

Born in Silver Spring, Maryland, a suburb of Washington DC, Ryan got his start in martial arts: he received his black belt in Wushu Kung Fu at age nine and went on to championships in karate, kung fu, and tae kwan do.

An interview on the Jenny Jones talk show landed him an agent, and within a month he had roles in Spy Kids: 3D (2003) and Bad Santa (2003), and he was helping Austin Kutcher play celebrity pranks on Punked.

But there was a problem.  Although handsome, muscular -- and short -- Ryan was typecast as an aggressive wise guy, basically a jerk. So that's the sort of role he received

In 2004, the 16-year old got his own tv series, Quintuplets, about teenage quintuplets with conflicting personalities.  His Patton was pushy and aggressive; brother Parker (Jake McDorman, left) was the athlete, and Pearce (Johnny K. Lewis, below) was the nerd, who actually danced with another boy in a "prom" episode.

Left: Johnny K. Lewis today

Next came the boorish Felch in Revenge of the Nerds (2006), chronic liar Sam Leonard in Full of It (2007), and Fletcher in the homophobic College (2008), which paradoxically offered an extensive homoerotic subtext.

Ryan's guest spots on the teencoms Out of Jimmy's Head and Hannah Montana were a little better, jerks with a soft, sensitive side.

But then he hit the bottom of the barrel: teen sex comedies. Foreign Exchange (2008), Extreme Movie (2008) with Frankie Muniz, Adventures in Online Dating (2009).

At least he had no problem with shirtless, shower, and swimsuit shots, though he drew the line at nudity.  And he was ok with rolling around with other guys naked.  Teens could sigh over the homoerotic subtexts even if they didn't like his characters.
 
But then, in 2010, something remarkable happened: a complete turnaround.  Ryan's characters changed from jerks to nice guys, and coincidentally some buddy-bonding was added to the girl-crazy schtick.

Boy Band (2010): in 1982, his Greg buddy-bonds with Brad (Michael Copon) to form the first boy band in history.

Tower Prep (2010), about a school for kids with paranormal powers: his Gabe has a crush on Ian Archer (Drew Van Acker).

Cougars, Inc. (2011): his Jimmy and best friend Sam (Kyle Gallner) can't afford college tuition, so start an escort service pairing older women with teenage boys.  Hey, is that legal? Of course, they get in on the action, too.  We get a nice shot of Ryan's butt as the camera lingers on his supine body, but this only nudity in any movie.

Frontal nudity after the break

Jason Marsden: Second hottest of the Short Guy Brigade, Steve Smith, Max Goof, and Robin. With Marsden dicks

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Kelvin/Keefe Memes: Cooking, testifying, honeymooning, sinking. With Jack from "Will and Grace" and some random nude dudes

I've had nothing but trouble with these memes -- jokes --  featuring Kelvin and Keefe of The Righteous Gemstones and friends.  First the G-rated version got slapped behind a "sensitive content" barrier, and then I accidentally saved the G-rated on the explicit site, and had to reconstruct everything. 

I hope these memes are worth it.

1. I like my coffee hot and black, like my...

Wait, everyone's heard that one. Go back in the bedroom; I'll think of a joke later.

2. BJ and Keefe go to church

BJ: Praise Jesus!  Testify!  I got the Spirit of God in me!

Keefe: When will this be over so Kelvin and I can go home and make out?

3. The Men's Room

Keefe: During my Satanist days, I spent a lot of time in the men's room of that truck stop off Highway17. Want to give it a try?

Kelvin: You always have the best ideas for Date Night.

4. The honeymoon

Kelvin: You want to go sightseeing?  But Keefe, this is only the fifth day of our honeymoon.  The Eiffel Tower can wait.

5. I got your Eiffel Tower right here.

More memes after the break

Mark Harelik: You've seen his physique a hundred times. Now's your chance to see his dick.

 

You might not know his name, but you've seen Mark Harelik's macho "former high school letterman" physique on tv a hundred times.

On Cheers as Reed Manchester, the gay guy who Diane pretends to be married to.

On Wings as Helen's boyfriend, who she didn't bother to break up with before marrying Joe.

On Seinfeld as Milos, who Jerry threatens to out as a terrible tennis player.  Milos offers to set him up with an attractive woman to buy his silence, but she turns out to be his wife.

As Jedidah Lawrence, on Boy Meets World, who lies to his daughter Topanga about the reason he left his wife.

As Jeff, Single Guy Jonathan Silverman's neighbor who takes him in while his apartment is being repaired.  He is in a relationship with Mike (Michael Winters)

As Tim, Jack's boss who keeps making passes at him, on Will and Grace. 

 

As Dr. Eric Gablehauser, the pop-star head of the physics department on The Big Bang Theory

As Joe, buddy of Grace and Frankie's Lily Tomlin and her gay ex-husband, Sam Waterston.

As God in The Preacher, which also starred Dominic Cooper.

Mark's dick after the break