Sweethearts: Thanksgiving romcom proving that there's gay life and cocks in rural Ohio, so don't move to New York

 

Sweethearts, on MAX, is a rare Thanksgiving romcom about two best friends who are going to the same college but distance-dating their life partners: Ben is with Claire, still in high school.

Ben is played by Nico Hiraga, left, a former semi-pro skateboarder from San Francisco. He has appeared in Booksmart, Love in Taipei, Goodrich, and The Power.

His best friend Jamie, a girl (Kiernan Shipka), is with Simon (Charlie Hall, left), who is dumb as a fence post but got into Harvard on a football scholarship.  Say what? 

 The long distance relationships  aren't working out, so the two make a plan to break up with their partners when they all go home for Thanksgiving.  

Left: Simon butt

Obviously they're going to get together or it wouldn't be a romcom.  I'm fast forwarding through their scenes to get to Palmer (Caleb Hearon), the flamboyantly feminine "third friend" pictured in the animated opening. He's probably the standard romcom gay best friend who facilitates the romance, but maybe he'll get a boyfriend of his own.

Correction: I'm also interested in Ben's college roommate Tyler, played by Zach Zucker , a "Bad Bi Boy Clown" -- literally. He trained for two years at the Ecole Philippe Gaulier.  

On his Facebook page, Zach notes that "Bi Visibility Day is cool because it forces all of the people who have caused you pain by denying your existence to look at your butt and mask-covered dick pics."   Where's the mask covered dick pic, Zach?

His character is introduced smooching a girl in bed, but maybe he's bi:

He looks at Ben's fake id and comments: "I'll go out with you.  Just kidding."

Ben has his hands full, so he asks Tyler to take his cell phone from his pocket.  "Whoops, wrong phone.  Just kidding."  

He seems to be dancing with Ben in the closing party scene.

And that's just when  I paused the fast-forwarding.

Paris: "Third Friend" Parker is introduced at Minute 15, calling the duo, wearing a striped shirt and beret, sitting in front of an image of the Eiffel Tower.  He took a gap year after high school to move to Paris, and he is working at a fast-food place near Euro Disney.  Why would visitors to Euro Disney want to see fast-food workers in clichéd French costumes?  

He announces that he is no longer "vaguely pretending to be straight." Really?  Who would think you were straight after talking to you for 30 seconds? 

He'll be coming out to a select group of former classmates at a party at his house on the night before Thanksgiving.

More after the break, including a rural Ohio gay community and some dicks,  Caution: explicit.

"The Whale": Chub and fundy debate whether God hates gays. Plus chub and fundy dick

I accidentally clicked on The Whale on Netflix, forgetting that when you click, you don't get more information, it starts.  And I was eating a bagel, so I kept watching.

Scene 1: A bus drives through a wilderness of fields, with mountains in the background.  It stops to let someone out -- with no houses or buildings for miles around?

Cut to someone teaching "persuasive writing" in a Zoom room.  The students wonder why his camera isn't on.  No icon, either, just a black square that gets bigger and bigger.  Maybe he's a ghost.

Scene 2: The teacher, Charlie, at home.  He's a super-chub plus who needs a walker to get around, now masturbating to gay porn! Wheezing, clutching at his left arm, he begins grading a paper on Moby Dick. I thought he was having a heart attack.

A stranger played by Ty Simpkins, top photo, walks in, says "Oh my God," and asks if he need an ambulance.  No, still wheezing and clutching, he wants the stranger to read the Moby Dick essay to him.

Many people don't know that there is a gay couple in Moby Dick: Ishmael and Queequeg.  And a whale, ergo the title of the movie.

Reading it calms Charlie down.  He asks the stranger -- there to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ -- to retrieve his cell phone from beneath the couch.  Oh no, he's going to bash the guy to death.

Nope.  Just asks him to stick around while he calls his friend Liz, a nurse. 

Scene 3: Liz shows up, checks Charlie out, and complains that he should have gone to the hospital.  He has congestive heart failure. His blood pressure is 238/134.  Is that even possible?   

While he's in the bathroom, Liz talks to the God guy, Thomas.   He's from New Life; her father is on the church board.  She went when she was young, but she "fucking hated" the end-of-the-world bull*.  I get it; I grew up terrified that the Rapture would come at any moment, and I'd be left behind.  

By the way, Charlie hates New Life, too, because it killed his boyfriend -- her brother.  No doubt a suicide due to being indoctrinated into "God hates fags" ideology. So he doesn't need Thomas quoting the Book of Leviticus when he is about to die.  

They kick Thomas out.  Darn, I thought he would be a major character, and we'd get some people combating religious homophobia.  Maybe Charlie would help him come out. 

Scene 4: They argue about going to the hospital some more. Charlie still refuses.  They watch tv: The Idaho GOP presidential primary is tomorrow, with Ted Cruz leading, so this is March 7, 2016.

So, is there going to be any paranormal here at all?  Or at least a murder?  

I'm fast-forwarding.

Very limited setting -- everything takes place in Charlie's house, and there are only two more characters -- Charlie's estranged daughter, and the pizza delivery guy.  

Wait -- Thomas returns at minute 41.   Charlie is in the bathroom. The Estranged Daughter answers the door.

He says that Charlie wanted to hear about the New Life Church -- he kicked you out, dummy -- and brought some literature. 

"Oh, the end time cult thing.  All religion is bullshit. By the way, have some juice, and please come back again tomorrow."  Huh?  Does she like him?  Well, I guess he won't be coming out.

Daughter leaves, and Thomas starts badgering Charlie about the End Times.  Hey, maybe it will happen in the movie.  A Left Behind kind of thing.  

"There are a lot of clues in Scripture that suggest Christ is returning soon. I can't wait.  Everything bad in the world will be wiped clean." Like the gay people, right?

Then: "God brought me here for a reason. He wants me to save your soul." Being saved means not being gay anymore, of course.  

"There's something you can do for me," Charlie says.  Thomas thinks he means sex, and starts stuttering "I'm not...I mean..."  At least he doesn't start screaming. 

Charlie explains that he is not interested in that.  He likes big guys.

Liz comes in. "What the f*ck is he doing here?"  Getting a blow job, of course.

This is too problematic.  I'm getting triggered by evangelical homophobia.  I'll check wikipedia to see if Ty ends up coming out.

The answer, and Ty's dick, after the break. Caution: Explicit.

"Run the Burbs": A queer daughter, a gay jerk, and the guy from "Kim's Convenience" naked

If you like chubby guys -- and who doesn't?  -- the Canadian sitcom Run the Burbs  provides more in 20 minutes than most tv series give you in three seasons.  Andrew Phung, best known as the comic-relief Kimchi on Kim's Convenience, plays Andrew Pham, a stay-at-home Dad with a wife who longs to leave her soul-destroying corporate job; a teenage daughter who crushes on girls; and a preteen son who, going against sitcom protocol, doesn't crush on girls.  That's a lot of representation, but I'm holding out for a gay male character.  Bob, played by "openly gay" Gavin Crawford, becomes a regular in Season 2, so I'm reviewing Episode 2.1, "In Phocus" Each episode title in Season 2 has a ph-  replacing an f: "Phamily Ties," "Phresh Start," "Phlash Back."

Scene 1: At some kind of community festival, two women walk past holding hands. Then we see Andrew, wife Camille, and preteen son Leo face-timing their daughter, who is in Paris.  Maybe written out of the show?

When they stop for ice cream, Camille has trouble deciding, and the racist behind her in line sneers that there's no chicken-butter flavor, "so pick a normal flavor or go back to your country."  Dude, look around you.  Almost everybody in that park is Black, Middle Eastern, or Asian, including the ice cream vendor!  You think you're going to get any Rocky Road that way?   

Camille lays him out with unheard profanity that has everyone covering their ears, then applauding.  Andrew brags that she is the "sexiest woman in the world." Well, that was a superheroic response to a microaggression.

Scene 2: Andrew is getting dressed to apply for a job as Rockridge's new Community Development Coordinator.  Meanwhile, Camille is starting a focus group for her new business, Cam Pham Eats, and preteen son Leo hangs out in his sister's bedroom because she's in Paris and can't stop him.  He gets a face-time from his buddy, who invites him to a dead skunk viewing.  

Scene 3: At City Hall, Andrew is told to kiss up to Robin, since she'll be deciding who is going to replace Bob, the retiring Community Development Coordinator.  He'll have a say, too.  "Got it -- make Robin and Bob fall in love with me." Bisexual joke.

Into the interview, with Bad Cop Robin "I hate everything about you!" and Good Cop Bob "You're perfect!" He offers to take them on a walking tour of the improvements he's planning.  Robin: "Absolutely not!" Bob: "I'm in!"

Scene 4: First stop: those little libraries where people get rid of their books. The problem is, they're full of erotics, so Andrew proposes adding an adult section. Robin: "That's a stupid idea!" Bob: "What a wonderful idea!"

Meanwhile, at home, Camille and her assistant have invited her friend who runs the Bubble Bae hangout, her neighbor Hudson (Jonathan Langdon, left) , and her Dad Ramesh, to a tasting session for her new catering business. Shouldn't you have strangers in a focus group?  

They don't like the logo: "Campham," one word, looks like "Camp Ham," and Dad is a conservative Muslim!  But they love the food.

Camille invites her preteen son Leo to be in the focus group, but he's busy: "Going to poke the skunk."  "Um...I don't think you're ready for that." She thinks he means sex, har har

Scene 5: The interview over, Good Cop Bob invites Adam to his office. We see a closeup of a framed photograph: he explains that they are his husband and two kids -- Tina and Turner, har har. After assuring him that "Bad Cop Robin loved you!" and "I like you!", he drops a bombshell: "You're not getting the job."

Say what?  

"I was so inspired by all of your creative ideas that I want to stay on and do more for the community."  People often fail to get the job because they're too good -- "He's a superstar -- he'll make me look bad."

"But don't you want to spend more time with your family?"

"No, I hate them.  The twins are into crypto, and Vance forces me to watch RuPaul's Drag Race.  Aren't families the worst?"  Uh-oh, Family Man Andrew roils.

Scene 6:  Andrew complains to administrative assistant Barb. "Grr...he never planned to retire at all.  He's just working the system, like he always does to avoid doing any work. We can fix this." 

Meanwhile, the focus group is still criticizing Camille's logo: "It should be more regal.  Can we use comic sans?  Put in a pakura."  When they leave, she is demolished.  

Back to administrative assistant Barb dishing with Andrew. The City needs Bob to retire: he never does any work and doesn't care about the community. She suggests that, since Andrew inspired him, he could un-inspire him!  

Scene 7: As Bob adjusts his bonsai tree, Andrew bursts in to thank him for saving him from "This Azkaban place, sucking out everyone's soul."  But Bob sees through the un-inspiring attempt. "Why would I retire when I can sit here for the next ten years, getting paid for doing nothing?"  

Andrew pleads: he needs this job to support his family.  Not a good argument for the family-hating Bob, dude.

Scene 8: That night, Andrew, Camille, and the preteen son Leo are in bed together, discussing how their days sucked. The kid just hangs out in his parents' bed?  That's creepy!  Camille asks about the skunk-poking.  He couldn't go through with it.  Still thinking that he means sex, they say that he can talk to them about anything.

After Leo goes to his own room to masturbate, Andrew points out that Phams never give up.  Tomorrow the son will try to "poke the skunk" again, Camille will work on her logo, and Andrew will find a way to handle Bob.

Scene 9: Andrew visits Bob at home, while he is working on his plants and refusing to help his husband with the dishes.  "My plans will improve the community more in a year than you did in 15 years!" he announces.

"Don't care. Robin is clueless, Barb is a loser, and you are not worth my time." Uh-oh, Andrew is recording him!  Now he'll have to retire or be fired!  

Nope, Robin doesn't care: "What Bob calls me at home is none of my business." And Andrew has no experience, so he won't be getting the job regardless.  Aww.

Meanwhile, Camille's friend tells her that the problems with the logo aren't really what's bothering her.  It's everything about the new job, and the threat of having to return to corporate.  "If I hear 'synergy' one more time..."  As an academic, I can relate. Four or five committee meetings per week, with an hour spent on "What is the goal of this committee?"  But the focus group loved your food.  Isn't your business about the food, not the logo?"  Camille is newly inspired.

Scene 10:  In bed, the two discussing how wonderful Camille's new business will be. But they only have savings for six months, so she'd better get busy. Geez, start the business on the side while working corporate, and if it takes off, you can quit.

Scene 11: Leo announces that he managed to poke the skunk.  Andrew and Camille discover that it was a real skunk!  He reeks!  The end.

Beefcake: Andrew takes his shirt off.

Other Sights: Generic suburb

Canada:  Like most Canadian sitcoms, they carefully avoid naming their country.  No Canadian flag outside City Hall; no one mentions Toronto; no maple leaves anywhere.

Heterosexism: No kissing.  Andrew and Camille hide under the covers to have sex. But at least when they think their son is having sex, they don't automatically assume that it's with a girl.

Gay Character: Bob becomes Andrew's foil when he wants to get something done, like a speed bump installed. I like that he's elderly, not a Cute Young Thing, and a jerk amid gay characters who are either over-the-top villains or impossibly noble.  Bot only six episodes, and the husband is not mentioned again?

My Grade: B

Phung penis after the break. Warning: explicit

The Naked Thugs: Danny McBride thinks we "won't like these dicks." Is that even possible? With chubby guy bonus.

Commenting on the frequent male nudity in the first season of The Righteous Gemstones, Edie Patterson said "We're not gay baiting" (using the term wrong), and Danny McBride (Jesse) claimed that gay men "won't like these dicks." 

Nonsense.  All dicks are beautiful. Big, small, thick, thin, micro, they all draw us toward the power and promise of the male body.  

And the rest of these guys ain't bad, either.

They are a group of thugs hired in Episode 1.3 to take down Eli by destroying his satellite church.  He gets the upper hand and humiliates them by forcing them to run naked through the shopping mall.  

1. Casey Hendershott (top photo), who has played a variety of mobsters, bouncers, rednecks, serial killers, and miscellaneous miscreants.  He didn't show us his junk, but his physique more than makes up for it.

2. Zach Osterman, a Savannah, Georgia-based actor who appeared on Danny McBride's previous show Vice Principals. He's an avid cosplayer, gamer, comic book fan, ghost-tour guide, and pizza expert.  Some people with his physique get fat-shamed and size-shamed, so it took a very positive self image for him to agree to bare it all for Gemstones viewers.  

It was worth it.  He's easily the cutest of the trio.

3. Justin Matthew Smith, who has 29 acting credits on the IMDB, plus a special thanks for the short The Runner.  Nothing wrong with his dick.

The Running of the Butts.  The guys and some extras are forced to run through the mall nude, as the shoppers all laugh at them.

Why is male nudity assumed humorous for the viewer and humiliating for the subject?  If I saw one of these guys running through the mall, I would not be laughing.

 

Bonus chubby guys after the break

The Mick, Episode 1.12: Strong gay subtext and ample beefcake in this gloomfest. Dick and butt shots do not help.

 

The Mick (2017-2019) was a Fox sitcom (and you know what that means: raunch) starring Kaitlyn Olson of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (and you know what that means: raunch).A low-life grifter, she becomes the guardian of her upscale sister's kids after the parents flee the country to avoid a federal prosecution.  It doesn't sound like my cup of tea, but Episode 1.2, "The Wolf," features both Scotty McArthur and Andy Favreau, who are definitely my cup of tea, so let's review. 

Scene 1: Mick: "You've never sucked anything before."  Her boyfriend Jimmy (Scotty McArthur): "I'm sucking as hard as I can, ok?" Mick: "It's not coming!  Suck harder!" Actually, guys, a successful blow job is more about the lip and tongue act...psych!   He's not giving a blow job, he's sucking gas out of a car in a show room, so they can steal a different car.   Meanwhile, hetero-horny teen Chip (Thomas Babusca) impresses a lollipop-sucking girl by bragging about all the cool cars he'll drive when he gets his license.

Horny Teen brags to Mick and Jimmy about the girl he met on an online dating site; he's sending her money fo air fare so she can fly over from Russia for a visit.  Scam!  The grown-ups laugh at him.  "You know nothing about the real world."

Scene 2: Mick, her young adult niece Sabrina, and another lady  drinking beer in the kitchen. Niece tells them that her boyfriend Kai, introduced in an earlier episode, is back from studying furniture design in Scandinavia, and taking her out to dinner.  And here he comes, in a muscle shirt!  But he ordered Chinese delivery instead of going out, which makes Niece angry. And he didn't actually go to furniture school, because the application wasn't in English. "Loser!" Mick exclaims.

Mick's boyfriend Jimmy comes in and starts eating the kung pao chicken with his hands.  Mick notes that he used to be hot, but he let himself go, "grew breasts," and became into a slob.  And now Kai is on the same path.  Niece doesn't believe it.

Scene 3: Horny Teen at the luggage carousel at the airport, holding a bouquet of flowers, while Mick films him for humiliation.  There's only one bag left: a long-haired blond picks it up.  Horny Teen rushes to hug...a guy!  Gender misidentification joke, yuck. Mick is jubilant: "Watching you being destroyed was so good!"  Hey, you're the guardian.  How about comforting the kid?

She explains.  The world is full of wolves and sheep. Mick and the Russian girlfriend are wolves, taking advantage of people.  Horny Teen is a sheep, getting taken advantage of.  But he could change, learn to be a wolf. "Sure, what the hell."

Scene 4:  In a grocery story for the first lesson: a wolf takes what it needs.  Mick orders Horny Teen to steal a bag of chips.  He hides a bag under his shirt, and immediately is caught by the security guard.  

Out in the parking lot, Mick is eating the fried chicken that she stole.  She was using Horny Teen as a distraction!  Lesson 2: Never trust another wolf.

Scene 5: Kai and Jimmy bonding in a sauna.  Jimmy: "Turns out he was Mormon all along."  You discussing an old boyfriend, dude?  Niece enters and wonders what they are up to.  "We got a friendship cooking."  Tell me more....

She asks Kai about his goals for the future. "Nothing, just hanging out with Jimmy...and you, of course."  "Well, get some goals, or people will think you're a loser."

Scene 6: Off-track betting joint. Next lesson: how to spot a sheep.  Horny Teen suggests the guy waving money around like a jackass. The scam: you get mussed up, slip your wallet into the guy's pocket, and claim that he mugged you for your winning ticket.  The haul is $38 -- but they also ruined a $1,000 suit and sent a guy to jail!

Left: Andy's dick

Scene 7: Back home, Horny Teen is done -- this is totally immoral! Besides -- his online girlfriend is here!  She was detained by ICE, and she didn't have a cell phone to call on.  Horny Teen gives her some money for a cell phone and asks the maid to make up the guest room for her. Don't you, like, want to have sex with her?  Mick isn't buying it: she's a wolf.  The scam is continuing.

Scene 8: Kai in a towel, getting ready for a meeting.  "Oh boy," Niece thinks, "He's looking for a job!"  Nope, his meeting is with Jimmy -- also in a towel -- about their new business.  Women like hot guys, and they can't fix anything around the house, so Stud Nailers, shirtless household repair.  Hey, that's sexist and heteronormative!  Lots of ladies can fix things, and lots of guys like hot guys.  

They hug: "Having a business partner who's also a friend takes off a lot of the pressure." Aww, why don't you kiss him?  Oh, right, your girlfriend is there. "Now let's go hit that sauna."  Butt grab.  Gay subtext just turned into text.

Scene 9: Dinner: pizza. Jimmy and Kai found a van for the Stud Nailers business. Good idea.  Photos of shirtless guys with big..um...hammers.  The Horny Teen's Girlfriend suggests a web show.  Also a good idea: Actually, that show already exists: "Flip the Strip."  

Niece tries to discourage them.  What's her problem? Does she think that the guys are actually having sex?

Next: Mick asks the Girlfriend about her intentions.  What does a wolf like her want with a sheep like Horny Teen?  Reveal: She likes him because he is a sheep, kind and gentle.  "He will neve hurt me."Aww. She's had to do a lot of things to survive.  

Jimmy: "We've all had to do things to survive."  Tell us about your hustler days, dude. 

There are two more nude photos after the break.  Plus the most disgusting concluding scene in television history.

Tropic Thunder: Danny McBride, a gay rapper, Jack Black's bulge, and a lot of wartime buddy-bonding

 

In Tropic Thunder (2008), some actors, their director, and a member of the crew are filming a movie about the daring rescue of a captured American soldier during the Vietnam War. They accidentally move off-set and out of Vietnam, into Laos --the territory of a heroin-trafficking drug cartel.  Except they still think they are filming a movie!  

They are:

1. Tugg Speedman (Ben Spiller), an action-adventure star who tried to move into drama with Simple Jack, about a mentally-disabled farm boy. It bombed, but it happens to be the drug cartel's favorite movie.

2. Rick Peck (Matthew McConaughey, left), his agent and gay-subtext best friend.  When Tugg is captured by the drug cartel, he rushes to the rescue.

3. Jeff Portnoy (Jack Black), famous for a series of movies about a family who farts.  If you like chub, he's got an extended scene tied up in his underwear (which displays quite a bulge).

Left: Jack Black's but

4. Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr., left and below), an Austalian superstar who always stays in character, playing a black soldier.

More after the break